2012/01/18

The Top 75 Traxxx of 1997

The Top 100 Songs of 1997 + The Extreme Midget Wrestler
Chapter 1: Born a Midget... And Proud of It
Chapter 2: Veronica
Chapter 3: The Battle Royale
Chapter 4: The Main Event

Chapter II: Veronica


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.






NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX is being edited, revised, and published. The literature content is gradually being removed for publication or  being transferred to the upcoming site: MHQ HEADQUARTERS. The music countdowns, however, shall remain here.

In the meantime... our first actual book publication, a dystopian epic: The Mansion 


According to the plant and animal life on Earth, which eventually unfriends the human race amidst bold accusations coming from an oddly-shaped row of trees: the concepts of government, religion, and economics were fabricated by the same sources that devised such absurdity as Black Friday sales, fashionable bowling attire, expiration dates for vaginal lube, and marketing strategies to entice specifically targeted mayonnaise consumers … and these sources obviously did not originate on the Planet Earth. From Prohibition to the dystopian future plagued with revolution, animosity towards society, and farming hippos with growth hormones, characters such as Squirrel Abraham and Jimmers Waffles (raccoon) not only challenge the status quo, but also question the entire history that created it.

Compiling 30 Sections and 68 different themes and storylines, which explore topics ranging from concepts of customer service to victimless crimes to a town in West Virginia that repeatedly becomes a ghost town; and featuring guest appearances from the likes of seahorses, dragonflies, praying mantis, chickens, and raccoon, The Mansion chronicles the plight of the human race, where Primitive Man evolved into the species known as Homo Bowler, and set out to destroy the world in a quest for decorative plates, generic shoes, and non-dairy powdered creamer.







75. Гражданская Оборона
"Солнцеворот"  3:59
Солнцеворот
Omsk, Russia

Flyin’ Brian Valentine and Alex were walking down the street en route to the corner store. They walked relatively fast paced while minding their own business and ignoring everybody else. Alex was seeking advice from Brian about how he should approach some girl that he claimed to be his soul mate (his 14th this month.) This assumption was made based on a fluctuation of her voice in the way that she threatened to drag Alex outside and beat him to death.

Alex insinuated that the girl did not truly wish to beat him to death. What she meant was (according to Alex): She wanted to drag him outside so the two of them could make out in the dumpster. As they were walking, the expression on Brian’s became more puzzled. The notion that any girl would want to make out with Alex was perplexing enough. When he added the notion of inside, of all places, a dumpster (simply up against the wall would have been peculiar enough), finally forced him to interject. “Dude!” was all he could say to his best friend, attempting to sound stern, but also trying to keep from laughing at him. Unfortunately, a few other outsiders, ordinary people, felt they needed to intervene as well, with totally rude and irrelevant comments. For no reason at all, there had to be confrontation.

74. U.S. Maple
"Coming Back to Damnit"  3:16
Sang Phat Editor
Chicago, IL

“And look at you,” Brian said to the assailants with a pleasant smile, “wow, you turned out so… so… so ordinary. That’s great. Nice! It must be a truly marvelous feeling knowing that you are an exact replica of 5 million other people. How great it must be to an imitation tabloid celebrity fixation—our world must seem so alien to you.” Among the worst realizations a person could ever be forced to come to grips with is being perceived as dull and ordinary coupled with the accusation of not getting out much. Brian was well aware of his height when he woke up that morning, these douches assumed they were eccentric, totally original, and brought serious shock value into society. Much to their dismay, they realized they weren’t as shocking as they once thought.

73. Storm and Stress
"Dance 'til Record Skips Like Passengers Shift On Take Off"  9:24
Storm & Stress
Chicago, IL

Welcome to Milwaukee, WI. Roughly 15% of this city is actually fairly cool (Bayview & Riverwest). There’s about another 15% that is moderate, both tolerable and annoying. Outside of that, Milwaukee is the Douche Capitol of America where brainless imbeciles shamelessly participate in every cliché known to mankind… such as groups of ordinaries dressing in matching green shirts and participating in a Pub Crawl for St. Patrick’s Day. While it may sound fun in some regards, the sight of a large group of people in matching shirts becomes sickening…especially when their primary topic of conversation is, painstakingly, season 2 of Jersey Shore—ouch! Milwaukee does brew Pabst beer, which has become the official beer of the underground punk concert, but, unfortunately, that’s the only thing punk about Milwaukee.

72. Harvey Danger
"Flagpole Sitta"  3:38
Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone?
Seattle, WA

Brian, Alex, Lamar, and their whole group dwell in the first 15% that is actually pretty cool. None of them even own a TV, and they stay as far away from the stupid people (referred to as “turdfest”) as possible. Excursions to areas of town such as Water Street, downtown, or Brady Street result in anxiety headaches from excessive mainstream douche exposure. Countdown of the worst aspects when forced to visit areas such as North Avenue or Old World 3rd Street: #3- The groups of ordinary mainstreamers struggle to handle their alcohol consumption and order waters with their beer; #2- Suffering through large group sing-alongs to Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing; #1- The fact that because they are entirely different than the ordinary tabloid imitations, the conditioned replica imbeciles feel the need deliver a foolish commentary on the issue. Supererogatory criticism of a harmless person’s differences is basically a confession that states: “I’m ordinary. I do not have the capability to ever accomplish anything original!”

71. Rammstein
"Du Hast"  3:56
Sehnsucht
Schwerin, Germany

Alex came to the defense of his best friend, and inquired cheerfully with a pleasant voice: “So, guys, what’s your favorite season of Jersey Shore?” The realization was difficult to swallow, the truth hurts. The first guy that actually started this altercation in the first place shoved Alex, “fuck you.” His facial expression altered from a douchy smile to a failed attempt to look like a badass. However, these days, Brain does not push, nor “push” back; he views these techniques as devices employed by pussies who are unwilling to do anything else. Furthermore, Brian is not ordinary, enjoys the entertainment aspect, and the fight is to prove intelligence over strength. Knowing it would do nothing but enrage the provocateur, Brian whimsically kicked him in the shin…as if that were the only thing he were capable of doing. As usual, the provocateur scooped up Brian, and threw him across the sidewalk; he diverted his attention back to Alex, “You gonna do anything?” Alex simply responded with a shrug and a smile, “no, Brian can whip both of you mother fuckers.”

70. Oxbow
"The Last Good Time"  4:47
Serenade In Red
San Francisco, CA

They looked in the direction in which they had thrown Brian; he was standing, brushing himself off, and laughing at them. “Why do you stupid mother fuckers always insist on throwing me? (Laughs) That is such a cliché! Alex here even throws me. Watch this shit.”

Alex picked up Brian and threw him directly at the two assailants. With one swift move while still in the air, he drop kicked one of them in the face and knocked him backwards; and with his hands, he grabbed hold of the provocateur, held on to the back of his shoulders and beat him rapidly, forcefully with direct hits in the face, and knocked him to the ground. People have claimed that getting punched by Brian is akin to getting beamed in the face with a 95 mph fastball. The provocateur attempted to knock Brian off of him by flailing his arms wildly at Brian, but Brian was pulling him to the ground. Unfortunately, the bigger guy is not as skilled in falling as Brian the professional wrestler; on the way down, his head crashed into the edge of a concrete windowsill, and he lay on the sidewalk with blood exuding from his head. After Brian stomped on the wound several more times, it was obvious this was going to require stitches. The other person attempted to re-engage, but Brian upper-cutted him and knocked him out with one punch. The two would eventually recuperate, but they learned the hard way: being ordinary is nothing to brag about.

69. Songs: Ohia
"Crab Orchard"  3:19
Songs: Ohia
Lorain, OH

The most distressing issue surrounding this matter was the fact that the two assailants were so enamored with mainstream society and the hit TV show Jersey Shore that they were willing to commit assault in order to enforce the unsought protocols governing the masses without delegated authority; just like the country in which they reside. Or, if they were that offended in knowing their interests are constituted as sheer stupidity, then one would assume they would pursue different interests. Then comes to play the aspect that people should be able to choose their own likes and dislikes, even if that means Jersey Shore. And that is correct; but, Brian and Alex did not incite the altercation by making snide comments towards the assailants for being obvious fans of Jersey Shore—it was the other way around…the Jersey Shore fans assumed they had the right to dictate happiness. Brian and Alex would not have even noticed them had they not attempted to humiliate Brian because of this size.

68. The Mountain Goats
"Ontario"  2:31
Full Force Galesburg
Claremont, CA

Brian and Alex were able to walk three more blocks before being faced with another altercation; this time with the police. This was Alex’s problem in society, and now was pulled over for walking. The police completely ignored Brian, and interrogated Alex about a burglary in which he was mysteriously a prime suspect. Alex is prone to get beat up by girls and has never been considered to have a threatening demeanor. However, the police harassed him as if he were a criminal anyway. Despite the fact that most people argue he is way too skinny and has no sign of any gut whatsoever, they ordered him to lift up his shirt. In turn, Alex lost his composure. “Fine, is this what you fucking want?” He was in the process of stripping completely before Brian finally stopped him. Fortunately, Brian was able to speak rationally with the police, and after a series of attempts to justify their actions, the police released them.

67. Of Montreal
"Everything Disappears When You Come Around"  2:34
Cherry Peel
Athens, GA

Once upon a time, Brian needed Alex more than Alex needed him. Nowadays, it has become the opposite. However, their friendship is so compatible, so unconditional, that the theory of who needs who never applies. Growing up, Alex endured relentless aggression from innumerable ruffians defending Brian. These days, Brian can fight his own battles; Alex, on the other hand, remains a bit too eccentric. The two friends have had numerous mishaps and adventures, both have made equally bad decisions on drunken escapades, and have been through predicaments that most people would remember for life. Due to how they are commonly perceived in public, their daily routine is wildly unpredictable.

66. Sleater-Kinney
"One More Hour"  3:20
Dig Me Out
Olympia, WA

After the brawl in the streets, followed by a confrontation with police, Brian was still filled with adrenaline. He stopped in the middle of the street and launched a tirade at Alex: “Let me tell your ass something. In the entire history of when a woman says this she really means this, at no time, ever, does a woman say something that actually means that she wants to make out with your ass in a mother fucking dumpster! Ain’t no way in hell no woman is ever going to make out inside no mother fucking dumpster! Making out with you would be bad enough, but IN the mother fucking dumpster? The fucking dumpster? Did you really just say that?” Alex is notorious for implying outrageous statements that will entrench him deeper into a mess, coupled with peculiar observations that actually have some validity. “Dude, I know lots of chicks that go dumpster diving. Plus, there was a fairly nice piece of furniture in there that someone had thrown away. She probably wanted both me and that end table. She figured she could accomplish them both at the same time.” Brian owns the most contagious laugh known to the world, and was unleashed once again as the two continued to the corner store.

65. Deströyer 666
"Satan's Hammer"  4:14
Unchain The Wolves
Melbourne, Australia

Flyin’ Brian Valentine is a certified master of the wrestling stunts that occur outside the ring; either by means of being launched out by an opponent, or the extracurricular activities that happen immediately before or after a match. This is another aspect of midget wrestling that betters regular sized wrestling. To begin, the spectators in the crowd find this more entertaining because the action is directly in front of them. Secondly, it adds another element because the action is taking place in a non-designated area which would be forbidden in legitimate sports such as boxing (professional wrestling is the only sport in which this extreme violation of conduct does not constitute harsh penalties or disqualification (imagine if the NFL did away with penalties for late hits out of bounds)). Finally, it is more dangerous and requires more skill to perform these stunts because the floor is solid concrete and the barricades are steel. Being thrown out of a ring, from the top rope, landing on a hard concrete floor, crashing into a steel barricade, and then having a chair bashed over your head requires a great deal of skill and immunity to various pains…especially if the one who receives this assault is slated to actually come back and win the fight with a series of high flying acrobatics. The average person would resign and probably be taken to the hospital in tears after being thrown from the ring once…and this doesn’t even include the chair bashing.

64. Mood
"Peddlers of Doom"  5:00
Doom
Cincinnati, OH

Brian’s most frequent opponent is his good friend Small Paul; Paul named himself and has a series of phrases he shouts to the crowd that also rhyme with Small Paul. Paul often plays the bad guy and is extremely good at it. His sister is regular sized and a talented make-up designer; she occasionally paints his face to look like skulls or other terrifying images. The most essential elements a bad guy wrestler must possess are the ability to appear menacing, rile the audience to root for his/her opponent, and be able to endure the final devastating blow for the match’s climax. In order to achieve this, Paul received professional training, and, as part of his job, practiced doing crazy shit like smashing into brick walls, being thrown from the coffee table at home, and diving down stairs. Although the excessive training did land him a position as a professional entertainer, he’s had numerous broken bones and other related injuries. And since his sister was often required to assist with his practice (like siblings do), she occasionally slaps him around to keep him in line or whenever he attempts a stunt too outlandish.

63. Korai Öröm
"Part 3"  9:45
Korai Öröm 1997
Budapest, Hungary

No matter how mean or abusive she is towards him, Small Paul would never hit his sister. However, he did perform a free demonstration of his acquired skills with her abusive ex-boyfriend. This person, sadly, did not receive similar training and appeared to be a slow learner. Unlike his Midget Wrestling partners, and even after Small Paul gave him specific instructions on measure to ensure personal safety, the abusive ex-boyfriend did not exactly leap back to his feet after being thrown from the balcony out onto the sidewalk. Paul also demonstrated, repeatedly, how the bashing the chair over the head stunt works, and the blood pouring from the abusive ex-boyfriend’s head was not a result of him cutting it himself. His sister was no longer abused, the ex-boyfriend suddenly never came around anymore, and witnesses claim that Small Paul was even more of a badass than James Caan in The Godfather.

62. Мумий Тролль
"Время тепла"  3:11
Морская
Vladivostok, Russia

Small Paul, the 300+ pound Lamar, Brian, and Alex all entered a bar to sit around, enjoy a few beers, and talk about the kind shit guys like to discuss. As they walked up to the bar, Paul was retrieving his money insisting he was buying the first round, asking his friends what they wanted…they all drank Pabst or Schlitz. The guy seated at the bar stared persistently at Paul and his friends; soon they had caught the attention of the other people seated with this guy. Finally, Paul said something to him, “you know, if you’re going to stare at us all anyway, how about we give you a reason to stare.” The guy quickly turned away, and then Paul flicked him across the leg to get his attention. “No, it’s cool. How about if we give you a good reason to stare, you buy us all a round? And mind you we all drink the cheap shit.” The guy didn’t want any trouble and agreed to just to ease whatever tension may have been mounting.

61. Smart Went Crazy
"Bullfighter"  3:17
Con Art
Washington, D.C.

“Dig this shit,” Paul said as he lay down on his back on the floor next to where the group was seated. By this time a crowd of spectators had gathered around and kept glancing to see what was actually going to happen. The bartender just smiled, he was friends with all of them. Paul tugged on the guy seated at the bar’s pant leg, “(pointing at Lamar) you think you can lift this big 300 pound mother fucker up off the ground?” The guy smiled, said "probably not" and all the spectators all were smiling now too. “Well, if you’re going to stare at us, then allow us to show off for you then, fuck it free beer right? So, you can’t lift this mother fucker at your (makes the quote symbol while lying down) “big person” size, it’d be a fucking miracle if I could right? I’m just a little person…a fucking midget right? That’s worth four beers.” The guy seated at the bar smiled, and agreed. Lamar straddled over the top of Paul and laid down directly on top of him, completely engulfed him, smothering him, and no person present could not even see Paul. Suddenly, from the lying down position, Paul bench pressed the 300+ Lamar and held him in the air as Lamar maintained the balance and beauty of the display by keeping his arms outstretched. Everybody in the bar clapped and cheered.

60. Happy Family
"The Great Man"  3:02
Toscco
Tokyo, Japan

Freddy and Jamie was the gay couple seated at the bar. They had received a few glances but nothing too abusive. What the patrons did not know was that they too were good friends with the group. Jamie slapped Brian across the head, “what you got little fucker, do know any tricks? How about some shots to go with those beers?” Brian simply laughed his contagious laugh, looked at the bartender for approval, and then he too took the lying position on the floor. Alex took off his shoes and climbed onto the top of the bar. “I hope all you mother fuckers realize that this is more dangerous for me than my friend Brian lying on the ground here.” Brian simply laughed and cracked, “shut the fuck up you faggot and just do it.” Jamie yelled out “hey!” in disapproval and kicked Brian in the shin while he was lying down; in which Brian just laughed and told him to fuck off too. Because Jamie remained smiling, everybody else did too.

59. Supergrass
"Tonight"  3:10
In It For the Money
Oxford, England

Alex took a graceful pose on top of the bar, held his arms up, and then jumped off the bar. As he descended from the top of the bar, he remained perfectly straight vertically with his arms gracefully outstretched. Brian caught him by his feet and proceeded to hold him upright, in a completely standing upright position, while Alex smiled and gracefully maintained his balance. The crowd was once again enchanted, as they smiled, cheered, and took pictures on their phones. As Alex was holding his arms outstretched, his shirt was slightly raised, and Jamie arose and tickled him where his belly was exposed, causing him to fall off Brian’s grasp; both he and Brian had to keep from tumbling into a table. Shots were ordered, beers were drunk, and within moments, everybody at the bar was friends with each other. They all had a great time and the bartender earned massive tips.

58. Karate
"Wake Up, Decide"  3:05
In Place of Real Insight
Boston, MA

Two random people sitting at the bar later decided that they could accomplish the exact same stunt that Alex and Brian had performed. Even though Paul insisted that they should not try it, they were determined to do it anyway. The skinnier one did not look nearly as graceful as Alex, and he ended with landing on the guy’s chest and falling across the bar. Luckily, Lamar and Brian remained close by and caught him. Paul, meanwhile, fell on the floor laughing, helped the guy off the ground as he was clutching his ribs in obvious pain, and encouraged him, “don’t worry, the pain goes away after about an hour or two.” He then complained that Paul making him laugh made the pain hurt even worse. They fucked the whole stunt up miserably, but were awarded free shots anyway. It was all in good fun.

57. R.L. Burnside
"Over the Hill"  4:21
Mr. Wizard
Harmontown, MS (1926)-Memphis, TN (2005)

“I’m just not attracted to you people,” Brian confessed to Alex while they were walking home.

Alex gave him a dirty look, “what the fuck’s that supposed to mean? That you don’t want to fuck me in the dumpster?”

Brian laughed, “No. I’m not prejudice or anything, it’s just some people tend to be attracted to others with their own similarities. Like, look at Freddie and Jamie, those two mother fuckers could almost pass for brothers.”

A look of both disgust and bewilderment crossed the face of Alex, “Ew! That’s kind of creepy now that you mention it.”

“No,” declared Brian, “it’s just the way it is. None of us are racists are anything. Lamar doesn’t like white bitches, you’re not attracted to black chicks, and me, I’m just not attracted to regular sized women. The proportion is way off, it’s awkward.”

“What? You’re nuts.”

“Let me ask you this then, would you fuck a midget?”

Alex glanced down at him and gave him yet another puzzled look. “Besides you?” Brian had to laugh once again at that remark. “I don’t know, I’m probably the wrong person to ask here, because I’d pretty much fuck anybody. I have a reputation to live up to you know, the easiest piece in Milwaukee. Hell yea I’d fuck a midget! Now I kinda want to.”

“Consistently? Would you fuck one consistently on a regular basis? No. You wouldn’t because it would get old, it’d be a pain in the ass, and you would eventually want somebody your own size.”

“Yea, you’re probably right.”

“And no,” Brian declared adamantly, “you’re not going to fuck a midget chick because there aren’t any. At least not around here.”

“When you jack off, do you think about midgets or Sara Jaymes?”

“Who the fuck is Sara Jaymes?”

“Oh, that’s the chick I jack off to all the time.”

“No. Honestly, I think about meeting an attractive, intelligent woman my own size. It’s not even about sex or, as you put it so blatantly, jacking off all the time. I’m a one woman type of guy.”

“Me too,” Alex interrupted, “and since no real women like me at all, my one woman is Sara Jaymes!”

“Seriously, for real, my #1 fantasy is meeting a woman my own height, and getting involved in a nice romantic relationship and maybe even get married. Yea, that’s what I really want.”

“Ok then,” Alex concluded, “I am going to find you a woman. That’s my goal. I am going to find you the hottest, smartest, most rad, super cool woman on the face of this Earth that also has dwarfism.”

“It’s midgetism you fuckhead.”

“Well that’s fuckhead-ism to you then.”

56. Super Furry Animals
"Mountain People"  6:15
Radiator
Caerdydd, Wales

The very next day, Alex did not even bother looking for a girlfriend for Brian as he claimed. In fact, he even forgot about it. However, while walking past a bus stop, he spotted her. There she was, Veronica, a 4’1” beauty queen waiting for the bus. Alex froze and stared at her, and kept staring without turning away, as she stared back. Finally, he exclaimed in disbelief, “no fucking shit!” and took off running.

55. Daft Punk
"Fresh"  4:04
Homework
Paris, France

Some say it is extremely important to make an awful first impression that away there will be plenty of room for improvement. Veronica’s first impression of Alex was a poor as possible. She thought that he was staring at her simply because she had dwarfism, and was totally shocked that he had seen a dwarf for the first time in his life. Also, she assumed he was running to fetch some of friends so they could come by and look at the freak. She remained calm though, sat by the bus stop, and retrieved her pepper spray from her purse awaiting Alex to return.

54. Helium
"The Revolution of Hearts Parts I & II"  8:01
The Magic City
Boston, MA

Alex ran and found Brian, out of breath, “come on, we have to hurry.” He yanked Brian by the arm and pulled him, “come on! Hurry!” Brian had no clue what was going on and was reluctant to simply run without knowing what was happening. “I don’t have time to explain this shit, now come on.”

Alex was attempting to run, and Brian was halfway jogging and halfway attempting to restrain Alex. Finally, Alex picked Brian up by the waist and tried to run while carrying him.

Brian wriggled his way out of Alex’s grasp, punched him in the face and threw him to the ground. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Alex jumped back up, grabbed Brian’s arm again, and urged him, “Come on God damn it! We ain’t got time for this bullshit.”

It was two blocks to the bus stop, and the two best friends fought and argued the entire way. By the time they reached the bus stop, Alex had a black eye, a bloody nose, and a swollen cheek as he was dragging Brian by the ankle across the concrete who kicking him while shouting outrageous obscenities at him. Once they reached the bus stop, Alex finally let him go, and without paying attention to anybody, Brian jumped up ready to punch Alex again. However, Alex rolled his eyes in the direction of Veronica, encouraging Brian to look over that way.

He finally did, and all was suddenly realized. Veronica had been standing there the entire time watching the two friends scuffle, bicker, and call each other the most ridiculous names imaginable. Love at first sight doesn't always occur in the most ideal of conditions.

53. Smog
"Ex Con"  3:36
Red Apple Falls
Austin, TX

Brian can fire up an audience on a regular basis, and has the ability to entertain large crowds and make them cheer for him. When faced with the 4’1” Veronica, the naturally gifted entertainer was suddenly at a loss for words. “Oh,” was all he could awkwardly say to her, “that’s my best friend.”

“I can see that.”

“Um, I’m uh, Brian. Brian Valentine.”

“Hi, I’m Veronica.”

At that moment, the bus arrived. “Are you getting on this bus?”

“No,” said Veronica attempting to sound sincere, “I was just standing here this whole time just take some photographs of it once it came. The bus is beautiful to me; I have a whole collage of pictures of the bus hanging on my wall.”

“Seriously?”

Veronica made her way to the bus and gave Brian a look inviting him to get on the bus with her. Brian then gave Alex a look ordering him to get on the bus with them.

52. Lowercase
"Slighty Dazed"  7:57
Kill the Lights
Palm Desert, CA

They made their way onto the bus. Brian & Veronica sat next to each other in the front most seat, and Alex took the seat behind them. The first minute was totally quiet until Veronica broke the ice by speaking to Alex. “So, who blacked your eye?”

“Brian.”

She looked over at Brian, “and this is your best friend?”

Brian smiled, “well…”

Alex interrupted, “it’s not the first time I’ve had a black eye from him either.”

Brian laughed again, “We’re in the entertainment industry. We train for this kind of stuff.”

They conversed for a few moments that concluded with Brian is super cool, Alex is the abused stooge, and no party is easily offended.

Veronica asked seriously but with a slight smile, “do you think he hits you for being a cock blocker?”

Both Alex and Brian were stunned by the remark, and unsure what to say.

“Fine,” Alex said, “I can take a hint. OK, then, let me ask you one question first to settle a debate. Would you ever make out with somebody inside a dumpster?”

Surprisingly, the look on Brian’s face was even more flabbergasted than Veronica’s who was also baffled that such a question just arose, but remained calm and pleasant (Brain looked like he was ready to kill Alex). “Inside? As in actually inside the dumpster?”

“Yea,” Alex attempted to make this whole thing seem rational, “and say there’s a really nice end table in there too that somebody had recently thrown away…and I mean a nice end table.”

Veronica glanced over at Brian, then smiled and stated calmly, “ok, you need to go sit in the back of the bus now with the rest of your people.” Brian attempted to hold back his laughter as it came out muffled.

“Fine.” Alex stood up, “what the fuck did I even get on this damn bus for anyway? I have no idea where the fuck we’re even going.”

51. Acid Mothers Temple & The Melting Paraiso U.F.O.
"Speed Guru"  18:09
Acid Mothers Temple & the Melting Paraiso U.F.O.
Nagoya, Japan

Brian and Veronica were playing Uno at her place later in the evening. It had been a good evening, and now Brian was surprised that she had such punk/obscure taste in music.

There was a red 7 in the discard pile, and Brian placed a blue 7 on top of it. Veronica attempted to sound both cute and stern at the same time imitating the elderly woman on the bus from the movie Midnight Cowboy, “I want it red.” After she tossed a red 7, Brian was forced to draw an entire handful of cards until he finally drew another red card. Veronica tossed down another red card on top of his. Brian flipped through all of his cards again, and he a handful.

“Fuck,” still nothing and he had to draw a whole bunch more cards. It would appear that he had nearly half the deck as he kept drawing cards and Veronica was smiling the whole time. “There,” he finally drew a red 9.

“I like green,” Veronica stated again with her stern voice as she pulled a green 9 on top of the red one. She had two cards left and Brian held about 50.

“Ok then,” Brian said with confidence, “then you can draw two, draw two more, draw two again, skip you, reverse back to me, draw two more, skip you, and reverse back to me again. Yellow. Take that!”

Despite having to draw 8 cards, Veronica remained calm and glanced Brian the greatest poker face imaginable. She sternly slammed a yellow six on the discard pile. Brian placed a yellow 7, and without hesitation, Veronica threw down a draw four. “Draw four.” After Brian drew his four cards, Veronica declared, “I want it red,” and slammed down a red 5.

“Shit.” Once again, Brian was drawing cards. He did draw a red reverse, “reverse back to me,” but he had to keep picking. After a few more cards, he threw down a red 6.

“I like green,” she said again, as she tossed a green 6 in the pile.

Brian at least had a green card this time and played it. They went back and forth a few turns until it came back to Veronica.

For Veronica’s turn, “skip you, draw two (Brian drew two is dismay) and now draw four. I want it red.” She played a red 6.

Imitating Veronica, “I want it red. What the hell is up with that?”

“It’s from Midnight Cowboy. Haven’t you ever seen it? Jon Voight turns out the light on the bus and this old lady declares, ‘I want it on.’

“I’ve never seen it.”

“We’ll have to change that, won’t we?”

This whole time Brian had been picking and finally drew his arch nemesis red card.

“Draw four,” Veronica was ruthless in her attack. After Brian picked four more cards, she threw down a wild card, “Uno! I want it red.”

“Damn!” Brian drew the rest of the deck and had to shuffle the discard pile and replace it before finally drawing a red 2.

Veronica played her final card, “draw four more.”

“Jesus!” Brian slammed down all of his cards, “I just got my ass kicked.”

“You have to count all those cards in your hand. You owe me a dollar for every point that you have in your hand.”

“Hell no.”

Brian attempted to hide some of the Uno cards and Veronica pried them from his hands. She flipped through all of them, “looks like you owe me about ten thousand dollars.”

Brian sat there staring at her dumbfounded. “Well, that’s too bad, I’m not paying you.”

Veronica tossed the cards up into the air and into Brian’s face. As he held up his hands in defense from the cards, Veronica tackled him and pinned him to the floor. “You know,” she said while she was lying on top of him, “for a professional wrestler, you’re kind of a pussy.”

That remark made Brian laugh, and the expression on her face and the tone of her voice almost prevented him from stopping laughing to enjoy their first kiss.




NC-17 Sountraxxx Best Songs of 1997: 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1


1 comment:

  1. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete

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