Part 1 A Very Strange Visitor
Part 2 Ladies & Gentlemen... The Poodle
Part 3 Sofa Kingdom
Part 4 The Plan
Part 5 The Decoy Project I
Part 6 The Trial
Part 7 Prison
Part 8 The Decoy Project II
Part VII: Prison
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
"Hey Salty" 4:53
The Summer of the Shark
Chapel Hill, NC
The first person he had ever assassinated was in broad daylight at a department store. It was some fat piece of shit named Beverly. She was so fucking annoying, just being in her presence made your stomach cringe. He was walking around the store with his girlfriend and could hear her hideous laugh from the other side of the store. The moment he saw Beverly, he knew this bitch needed taken out.
49. Belle and Sebastian
"I'm A Cuckoo" 5:26
Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Hearing her voice gradually drove him crazy. She was standing around with a group of suburbanites who all insisted some little brat could dance as if he were on Soul Train. “I swear to you Beverly, this little shithead can dance like he’s on Soul Train,” he told her. In order to make this little prick dance, Beverly sang a song for him, and sang so loud the entire store could hear her. “Can you dance?” she yelled out with her annoying high pitch, and then sang… “Hot potatuh! Hot potatuh!”
48. The Sea And Cake
"Mr. F" 4:20
At first, he attempted to simply joke about it. He would crack jokes about her to his girlfriend, or sometimes picture her in some exotic lingerie just for irony purposes. But, the shrill of her voice and that wretched singing gradually took its toll. Just hearing her, he began to suffer attacks of anxiety coupled with distorted images that clouded his ability to function. His vision blurred and all other objects in the store were completely drowned out except for her loud, annoying, high pitched voice singing some “hot potato” melody. The bitch couldn’t even properly pronounce potato.
47. The Rapture
New York, NY
Finally, he could no longer stand the sound of her voice. He walked over to the clothing section and snatched a ski mask off the shelf, and then put on a pair of work gloves that were in a sale bin. Carefully prowling around the aisles, he snuck over to kitchen wares and grabbed a long sharp knife out from the featured knife rack. Beverly had strayed from her group and was over in plus sizes looking at some blouses that were even more grotesque than her hideous singing. He snuck up behind her, buried the knife into her chest, and disposed of her in the clothing rack…along with the ski mask and gloves.
46. The New Pornographers
"The Laws Have Changed" 3:27
Vancouver, BC, Canada
Monica strutted into her cell. Whereas most people enter prison full of despair and grief, Monica experienced no such thing. The hallway of her block was painted bright orange, her concrete walls were bright purple, and a sketch drawing of a smiling Chinese Man climbing up a pole hung from the wall. Upon arrival, Monica’s cellmate, Gina, asked Monica what she did in order to be put in prison. Monica kindly answered, “shut the fuck you stupid bitch, I haven’t even been in here two minutes and you’re already asking me a bunch of stupid questions. Fucking white girl. Can I request a different cellmate?”
45. Josh Rouse
Spartacus was a welcome addition in his prison. Immediately upon arrival, all of the other prisoners seemed to be in competition to win the love of Spartacus. Once Spartacus was placed in population, all of the other prisoners rushed to their cells, straightened up their prison attire, put on their best cologne, and attempted to have flowers and chocolates delivered to the prison. They lined up along the cafeteria walls, arguing and threatening each other, as to who shall be granted to have the love of Spartacus. They attempted to shower him with gifts such as cigarettes, bags of chips, and cans of the fanciest deodorant the prison had to offer. They also attempted to shower him…in the shower that is.
44. Ex Models
"Pink Noise" 2:06
New York, NY
Life inside the animal shelter is rough and survival is difficult. The Poodle was placed in a pen with a pack of boxer’s, a pit bull, a Doberman, and some random mutt with a case of mange. The group of dogs immediately cornered The Poodle and stared him down. Several of them took turns sniffing his ass, and growled whenever he tried to flee.
43. The Natural History
"Dance Steps" 3:41
Beat Beat Heartbeat
New York, NY
Jake was placed in a cell with an old black man named Wilbur. He had committed a crime a very long time ago and was sentenced to serve 13 consecutive life sentences. From the looks of him, one might guess that he had already served 11 of these sentences; the judge who initially sentenced him died of old age in 1966. When Jake entered the cell, he was merely sitting on his bed wearing a wife beater and had plates with portions of uneaten mashed potatoes scattered all across the cell. Wilbur said something to Jake, but Jake did not understand a word he said.
42. Sorry About Dresden
"Sick and Sore" 4:41
Let It Rest
Chapel Hill, NC
When Jake perched himself on the top bunk, Wilbur stood and talked to him. He talked for several minutes and Jake did not understand one single sentence. After Wilbur talked non-stop about something, nobody knows what, he laughed so hard and then could not stop. Jake had no idea what was so funny. After laughing for several minutes straight, Wilbur went into a coughing spell, and coughed for several nights straight. While Jake was lying awake at night because he could not sleep in the cell due to Wilbur’s chronic cough or periodic loud snoring, he would stare at the photograph painted on the ceiling: somebody had sketched a drawing of a smiling Chinese Man disco dancing.
41. Ed Harcourt
From Every Sphere
Outside of the cell, Jake did not fit in very well with the rest of the inmates either. They would all relate their stories about how they were detained and the crimes they committed, but seemed uninterested in Jake’s. He was even beat down in the courtyard because he did not resemble a staunch enough Iron Maiden fan. Many of the people he encountered had committed multiple murders; one had hi-jacked a busload of nuns and forced them to pose for pornographic pictures… he showed Jake some of the photos.
40. Baxter Dury
"Auntie Jane" 4:38
Len Parrots's Memorial Lift
Most people are not the same after serving time in prison. The rest of the group worried about the four friends who had been imprisoned and worked diligently on ploys to get them out. They would visit as often as they could, sometimes every day. Fortunately, they had enough cash at their disposal, and a new place of residence in another country had already been arranged.
39. Stella One Eleven
"Beautiful Boys" 4:13
Stella One Eleven
Despite the fact that Monica did not wish to hear any of her bullshit, Gina informed her of the crimes she committed anyway. She was the drive-thru teller at a local fast-food restaurant. Outside in the parking lot, there was a carload of people attempting to place their order at the drive-thru and off in the distance, a person dressed as a Moose mascot was trying to unlock his car door by sticking a coat hanger into the window. The people ordering their food were annoying, kept asking questions, and seemed to genuinely struggle with a relatively common decision. A line of people had formed behind them, and they still had not placed their order. Finally, Gina lost her patience with these people; burst open the back door, drew an assault rifle, and opened fire on the car struggling with their order. Also, she picked off the guy dressed as a moose trying to break into his car for good measure.
38. The Not
"One More Beer" 3:12
Within seconds of this story being finished, Monica apologized to her for being rude at first, and the two instantly became best friends. Like all best girlfriends do, they had pillow fights in the cell, painted each other’s toenails, played cards together, terrorized the guards, bullied the other prisoners, and gang-raped other women in the courtyard. By the end of the week, Monica and Gina were the rulers of the whole prison, and most inmates were afraid of them. They even slept together in the same bed, and nobody dared say anything about it.
37. Frog Eyes
"Miasma Gardens" 4:27
The Golden River
Victoria, BC, Canada
Phillip Buford had committed a murder because he was in love with a woman. He met some woman who worked as a nurse in a retirement home and they went on a couple dates. On their second date, she elaborated how much she despised old people and had threatened to throw one of the old men with Alzheimer’s disease down in the cellar. After hearing this, Phillip went on a spree gathering old people from off the streets, bringing them to his house, and them plunging them down the steps into his basement. The fall would cause many of them to break their hips, and he simply left them down there without any treatment or medication whatsoever.
36. The Wrens
"Thirteen Grand" 4:09
Shortly afterwards, Phillip invited the love of his life over to his home. They were sitting in the kitchen, which was decorated with smiley-face apples, had a child’s blue swimming pool in the middle of the floor, and a sketch drawing of a smiling Chinese Man playing a flute with a snake arising from a basket to his side hanging from the wall. As they were eating dinner, there were noises from the basement, and Phillip simply opened the door and yelled, “shut the fuck up!” down the steps. His date inquired what was going on, and Phillip informed her that he had a basement full of miserable fucking old people that had pissed him off severely. He took his date down to the cellar to show her the collection and she immediately fell in love with him. They were having lustful passionate sex to the tune of elderly people groaning in agony when the police arrived and arrested the both of them.
35. Grand Mal
"Black Aura" 3:58
New York, NY
Kyle and Walter visited Jake. They told him that everything had been arranged once he got out. However, getting out was a problem. The two of them would non-stop share back and forth means in which he should try to escape…some of them absolutely horrendous ideas. “What you should do,” Walter had to share the recent idea he plotted, “is flush yourself down the toilet. I’ve always wanted to do that. Then, we just have to get you out of the sewer.”
34. The Dears
"Expect the Worst/'Cos She's A Tourist" 7:54
No Cities Left
Montréal, QC, Canada
If it weren’t for her new love affair with her cellmate Gina, the rest of the lives of the people in the group would be at serious risk. It had been nearly a month since being put in prison and Monica was already fuming pissed that the others haven’t busted her out yet. At first, she was understanding and moderately patient with them. This time, Kyle, Walter, and Satchmo came to visit and she threatened each of them declaring they had one week or else she was busting herself out and “you three little pricks will be face down in a New Zealand swamp wishing it was you they had put in prison and not me.” All three of these men were scared shitless of Monica and tried to reason with her, pleading for a solution. Monica simply ordered, “It’s not that fucking difficult!” She also claimed they were busting Gina out too. “You stupid mother fuckers just have to know who you’re dealing with here. Fucking prison guards and pigs, not rocket scientists!”
33. Okkervil River
"For the Enemy" 6:10
Down the River of Golden Dreams
Just look at this shithole. This is a women’s prison with a male warden that employs stupid ass white men for their guards. Then, look at the history of how men have repeatedly treated women. Think about their role in society. If it’s not the abuse, which trust me, I don’t have to worry about, its sexual desire and this instilled characteristic that men have to protect women. Some of these miserable pricks actually feel as if we need them for protection against simple nature…they offer to carry trays, give us jackets in the rain, or walk us to our cells if its dark. Then, some of these stupid assholes actually wear cologne to work… to a fucking prison, and try to hit on the inmates… like this is a fucking porno or something.
32. Clann Zú
"Lights Below" 6:12
The men’s prison is the exact opposite. You have to be one miserable piece of shit to even apply for a job at a men’s prison. There isn’t any houses close-by, so people obviously don’t take that crappy position because it is convenient. No. They drive all that way to work, which is far as fuck, because they are belligerent pieces of shit who enjoy nothing more than to order people around and beat the shit out of people. (Monica shook her head in mid-sentence) You know what, just fucking shoot them. Shoot all of them. They’re not even real people, they’re filthy cockroaches. Just go in there with guns, and kill everybody inside. Kill all the prisoners too for all I give a shit. And you know what, shoot that fucking cock sucker Spartacus too, massacre the whole prison. If I hear that anybody is still alive at that prison, I’m shooting all three of you. In fact, I’m shooting Rovanious and Clovis Hines too just on sheer principle.
31. King Geedorah
Take Me To Your Leader
“And if you stupid assholes still haven’t plotted a way to bust The Poodle out of the animal shelter yet, then I’m beating the shit out of all three of you right now. Have you figured something out?” Walter, Kyle, and Satchmo looked around at each other, they were scared. Kyle told her yes, they had figured something out. “Then what is it then? What’s your fucking plan? Let’s hear it.” All three of them stuttered and stumbled over their words and failed to put together a cohesive sentence. “OK,” she interrupted, “fuck it, you three are completely useless. From here on out, you do what I say…and that extends beyond when we get out of here too.
30. Paul Westerberg
"Knockin' Em Back" 4:00
Come Feel Me Tremble
Think. There doesn’t even have to be anything spectacular. Half of these guards are fucking alcoholics, worthless assholes, and only took this job because they couldn’t find any real work. In actuality, most of them probably don’t even give a flying fuck if we break out or not. Hell, for a right payoff, they would just let the bad guys out. It’s not their fucking passion, their pride, fuck that, they only do this shit for the money. I bet not one of you ever heard another guy in kindergarten say that he wanted to be a prison guard when he grows up… and you three are losers. And if you three never heard anybody saying this, that means these guards are even bigger losers than the three of you.
"Look Out for Traffic" 3:25
Babies Are For Petting
San Francisco, CA
All you have to do is create a means for them to feel important at their jobs, and then we don’t even have to worry about anything. It’s just like our job in the first place, a distraction, The Decoy Project. If it wasn’t for Spartacus pulling the trigger, we wouldn’t even be in this mess. Now, if you can come up with a scheme that clever, and I’ll at least give you that—that was a pretty good little plot there, then you can devise something to get us out of here, with ease, using the exact same strategy you employed for the bank robbery.
28. The Long Winters
"Prom Night At Hater High" 4:06
When I Pretend To Fall
For Gina and I, create a disaster. The guards will feel they need to protect us, because we’re nothing but stupid girls. For Jake and Spartacus, distract the guards by giving them a reason to beat somebody. Cause an uproar. Distract them. It shouldn’t be that hard, their fucking imbeciles…all of them. Fuck it, make them feel special. Once I’m out, I’ll get the God damn poodle out by myself. Shit, that’s asking too much obviously… the fucking poodle should have already been out! All of us should already be. Now listen you little fuckheads, one week from today. I’m done playing games with you. Now get to work!
"Horoscopic Amputation Honey" 7:15
Walter, Kyle, and Satchmo left the women’s prison in fear. In fact, the guards even allowed Monica and Gina to greet them at the exit. The two women were standing there smoking cigarettes when they walked by, and they chased after them. Being as Kyle was the one white guy of the three, he happened to be the one get caught. Gina put him in the full-nelson and Monica punched him in the stomach. After Kyle dropped to the ground, they looked over at the other two… “One week from today!” As they were walking to the car, Kyle scolded Walter and Satchmo for not helping while he was ganged up on. “Fuck that,” declared Walter, “I ain’t getting my ass kicked by that crazy ass bitch. She fucking broke two of Jake’s ribs once just because he said he didn’t like coleslaw.”
26. Party Of One
"Fine Line Between Us" 7:32
Caught The Blast
New York, NY
A meeting was held in the basement with the whole group sitting around a round table smoking cigarettes and listening to music. Kyle informed the group, “Monica said it all has to go down one week from today or else she is going to kill all of us.” The whole group grew silent.
“A week doesn’t give us much time,” Ruth insisted.
“You go tell her that,” Walter told Ruth.
“Sheeit,” said Clovis Hines with a laugh, “you’d get fucked up even if she just heard from somebody else that you just said that.”
“What are we going to do then?”
“Well, she did bring up a valid point. We are not dealing with the most brilliant minds in the world when it comes to prison guards. We effectively scored 34 million dollars with the art of distraction and clever strategy; we should be able to do the same with this plan. And, this should be easier because we can comfortably spend five million dollars on this…that should buy us enough tools, gadgets, and other recruits to get this mission done.”
“I don’t even think we’ll need that,” said Rovanious.