Chapter 1: Born a Midget... And Proud
Chapter 2: Veronica
Chapter 3: The Battle Royale
Chapter 4: The Main Event
Chapter III: The Battle Royale
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
50. Half Man Half Biscuit
"A Shropshire Lad" 2:16
Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road
Entering the ring for the very first time ever is quite an invigorating experience. From the phone call, the schedule, and then the actual booking of that first event is an intense process. Faced with the uncertainty as to whether or not the product will actually sell, entering the venue, observing the crowd, and once you hear the cheers, that’s how you know it’s for real. The opening adrenaline is euphoric, and the nervousness doesn’t subside until you receive that first blow. Due to the danger involved with the stunts, there is little time to focus on nervousness and anxiety. A great way to relieve stress anxiety is getting bounced back and forth across the ring off the ropes; the flying elbow across the chin usually abruptly terminates any stage fright.
49. Guitar Wolf
"Planet Of The Wolves" 2:34
Planet Of The Wolves
Nagasaki, Japan/Tokyo, Japan
Brian’s very first performance was accidentally a major success. He was slated to lose in one of the opening matches of the evening, but upon entering the ring, completely forgot what he was supposed to be doing. None of the moves went as rehearsed, and finally his opponent picked him up and body slammed him. After receiving the deadly body slam, Brian could not stop laughing, and mind you his laugh is contagious. His opponent tried every means necessary to abruptly end the bout, but the laughing Brian would not go down easily—even though he was not even fighting back. He was thrown off the ropes, out of the ring, beat excessively with a garbage can lid, drop kicked, and even endured a flying elbow drop to the throat.
48. Marilyn Manson
"Apple of Sodom" 4:27
Lost Highway Soundtrack
Fort Lauderdale, FL
No matter what ploys were utilized, the harsher they were, the harder it made Brian laugh. Because of the sound of his laugh, his opponent was soon laughing, as was the referee, and the entire audience was cheering for him. Finally, all of the other wrestlers entered into the ring to throw him as far out of the ring as possible and the referee quickly counted him out so he would just lose already. It was such a crowd pleaser that they changed the battle royale for the finale and allowed him to win by the champion simply giving up trying to knock him out…they received a standing ovation. The next morning, however, Brian was feeling the pain, overcame stage abstraction, and the rest of the events flowed according to script.
47. Lake Of Dracula
"The Servo-Motor" 3:01
Lake Of Dracula
That one performance became a major influence to Small Paul, who later adopted grueling methods to endure even more brutal punishment than Brian. Paul and Brian collaborated with his sister to transform Small Paul into a diabolically sinister character. They devised numerous schemes, plots, and storylines to portray Paul as the most genuine malefactor imaginable. Once the finale had been set, and the crowd’s antipathy of Paul’s characters heightened (they still loved Paul and he is considered one of the most popular favorites), Brian and Paul unfurled a vast array of tremendous knockout blows in which appeared as dazzling as it did brutal. This was executed precisely because Paul prided himself on his ability withstand punishment and make these moves look both realistic and painful.
46. T-Model Ford
"T-Model Theme Song" 5:00
Pee-Wee Get My Gun
These techniques need constant rehearsal, and sometimes practice occurs where it is forbidden…such as Lamar’s house. Paul and Brian were rolling around in Lamar’s living room and accidentally knocked over a beer…not much spilled though. Lamar came storming into the living, yelling, “Hey! I told you mother fuckers not to be doing that shit in here!” Unfortunately, Lamar had a tendency to be even crazier than the rest of them, and because they were all such good friends, Lamar was often ignored, ridiculed, and soon the 320 pound black man was involved in the wrestling mayhem wherever it should break loose.
45. Blonde Redhead
Fake Can Be Just As Good
New York, NY
Lamar entered with a towel and wiped up the minute amount of beer that spilled. “Mother fucker,” said Paul to Lamar as he was cleaning up the so-called mess, “hardly any of that spilled. There was only like three drops left in that mother fucker.” Brian at least made some attempt to pick up the bottle that was knocked over, but the two of them were standing around Lamar, just watching him clean up the mess they had made in his house.
"Let's Pretend" 3:22
Lamar glanced up and saw Paul and Brian just standing around watching him clean. “You know what ya ‘all mother fuckers is gonna be getting’ called now? Little Niggers. That’s your new name. Ain’t no mother fuckin’ midgets, ain’t no mother fuckin’ dwarves, none of that shit. Height disadvantage. Hell nah! Fuck all that. You mother fuckers are getting’ called little mother fuckin’ niggers from here on out. Ain’t no mother fuckin’ Midget Wrestling no more. The new name is the Little Nigger Wrestling Federation.” Paul waved his hand in front of his throat for Lamar to stop his comments and murmured “shhh,” as he tilted his head over to where Veronica was sitting… as if it wasn’t cool to speak this way in front of Veronica (but Paul and Brian were perfectly fine with Lamar directing the racial slurs towards them). “Oh,” Lamar did grow quiet and looked over at Veronica, “sorry, me and these cats just be joking around like this all the time. You know, we’re friends, I don’t really mean that shit.”
"Everything I Do" 4:32
Veronica looked at Lamar and attempted to sound serious, “so what does make you then? A big nigger?”
The statement was so shocking coming from this new dwarf girl in the group that they all drew a loss for words. However, Lamar laughed first, and laughed the hardest. “Dude, I like your girlfriend already. She’s gonna fit right in with us.” That was the general consensus, they all approved of Veronica. “Now if you’re going to be making statements like that,” Lamar concluded, “you know that means that you are now open to hear us foul mouthed politically incorrect mother fuckers say whatever the hell we please.”
Veronica simply responded, “I’ll give you $50 if you can shock or offend me.”
It grew dead quiet, as if everybody was trying to think of the most repulsive thing they could conjure up, but wasn’t sure if they had just met their match. “She wants to do stand-up comedy,” Brian informed them.
Lamar and Paul were immediately even more pleased with her. “Oh,” Lamar suggested, “no fucking shit. Maybe we can book you gigs performing with these guys.” All agreed that would be a great idea.
42. Les Savy Fav
Providence, RI/New York, NY
Paul being the bad guy perpetrator that he is, insinuated that maybe she could be a stripper as well in-between the matches. And of course, this led to more wrestling between Paul & Brian; and this time, the lamp was knocked over.
(PAUSE THE SCENE) Still image: Brian had Paul pinned down in a chokehold, Lamar was standing attempting to break them up, the lamp had just crashed into pieces on the floor, Alex was sitting in the chair laughing at this charade, and Veronica was standing in front of the chair contemplating something. For the most part, these men are fearless. However, they each share one major fear, and she just walked into the door. Introducing…Lamar’s wife, Jolinda.
(UNPAUSE THE SCENE) Paul and Brian immediately leaped to their feet and attempted to stand in front of the broken lamp, Lamar knew better and simply looked guilty, Alex immediately arose from his seat and dipped out the backdoor; Veronica and Jolinda are yet to meet.
41. Guided by Voices
"Bulldog Skin" 3:00
Jolinda eyed Alex dashing out the back door and then calmly exited back out the front door without saying a word. Paul, Brian, and Lamar attempted to hide the broken lamp in horrible places…finally settling with behind the curtain. She wasn’t even gone 15 seconds, before she returned clutching Alex by the back of the collar.
Alex appeared petrified as she pushed Alex back inside and shoved him down into the chair, “Guess which one of us ran track in college and guess which one was probably a fuckin’ cheerleader!” The other guys knew not to laugh in these situations, but picturing Alex as a cheerleader was quite comical. “You two mother fuckers (pointing at Paul and Brian) clean the fucking lamp up off the floor and then get your asses down to the store a buy me a new one.”
Paul had the nerve to ask, “What lamp?” Seeing the look on Jolinda’s face, he already knew he said the wrong thing and attempted to run from her. She grabbed him by the arm, yanked over to the curtain, drew the curtain back, and shouted, “that fucking lamp—nigger!”
40. The Apples in Stereo
"The Silvery Light of a Dream (part II)" 3:10
Tone Soul Evolution
Jolinda finally turned around and spotted Veronica—“who the fuck is this?”
Veronica extended her hand, “hello, I am Veronica.”
Jolinda smiled, “girl!” and suddenly her voice altered from extreme ass kicker to the sweetest most pleasant tone you could imagine as she shook Veronica’s hand, “it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Please, have a seat.” She noticed Alex was sitting in the chair (it was a result of her throwing him into this seat) and her voice temporarily switched back into ass kicker mode as she jerked Alex up out of the seat, “Get your ass up nigger! Go over there and help them other mother fuckers clean up that mess you made. (Shoves Alex over to where the mess is)(Back to pleasant voice) Hey Brian, won’t you come have a seat here with your girlfriend. Can I get you guys some coffee or anything?”
Handsome Western States
San Francisco, CA
“I didn’t make this mess,” Brian pleaded.
“Yea,” Jolinda was back in ass kicker mode, “well you’re gonna clean it up anyway or else I’m going to drag you outside and beat the fucking shit out of you.”
“You probably shouldn’t say that to him,” Veronica insisted kindly.
“Oh,” trying to fluctuate in-between bad ass mode back to friendly mode to let Veronica know she isn’t that serious, “fuck him. That’s just Alex.”
“No,” Veronica still remained calm, “Alex thinks that when a woman states that she wants to drag him outside and beat the shit out of him, what she really means is that she wants to have sex with him inside of a dumpster.”
Alex immediately gave Veronica a stern look, “shhh!” as if he did not wish Jolinda to hear that.
“Inside the dumpster? Did I fucking just hear that right? Alex? Inside the dumpster? With you, and the garbage both? I don’t know which one would be worse.”
38. Congo Norvell
Los Angeles, CA/New York, NY
Alex knew he was in deep shit now and Veronica was obviously taking Jolinda’s side on this matter, and probably all other issues from here on out. However, as previously stated, Alex is prone to dig himself in deeper. “Yea,” he stated as if it were obvious and these two women were stupid, “inside the dumpster. There was a nice end table in there that somebody had thrown away.”
Jolinda looked at him baffled for a moment. “Alex honey, I think in your case, when a woman says she wants to drag you outside and beat the shit out of you; what she really means is that she wants to kill your monkey ass and throw you in the mother fucking dumpster alongside that rickety old ass end table that you claim is so fucking nice.”
His own friends even laughed at him, and Alex soon realized he was being ganged up on again. “I don’t have to take this fucking shit,” he said as he dropped down to floor to assist Paul and Lamar with picking up pieces of broken glass off the carpet. “Hope you mother fuckers know, I have a girlfriend… so I don’t even care about that bitch or her damn end table.”
37. Bob Dylan
"Standing In The Doorway" 7:43
Time Out Of Mind
Duluth, MN/New York, NY
“You have a girlfriend?” Lamar stopped and looked at him sternly, “yea, who is it then?”
“Her name’s Sara Jaymes?”
Brian already knew this story and immediately started laughing. The rest of the group looked at him as if he were stupid because they all hang out so frequently and have never seen this person. Paul inquired, “Who the fuck’s Sara Jaymes?”
“She’s my fucking girlfriend. Actually, she’s my fiancée, we’re getting married soon. She’s in California right now though.”
Everybody else looked around at each giving the “what the fuck” look, except Brian who was laughing the whole time. Small Paul wasn’t letting him off without interrogation, “What the fuck’s she doing in California?”
“OK, where did you meet?”
“No I’m not.”
“Then how old is she?”
“Fuck if I know.”
“You’re getting married then, to some chick and you don’t even know how old she is?”
“One site claims her birthday is April, 18th 1989 and another claims her birthday is September, 18th, 1991. But, I’m going with the 1989 one…makes her more my age and I think I’m more compatible with Aries’ anyway.”
“Did you ask her what her birthday is?”
“No. I’ve never talked to her.”
Brian was laughing the hardest now, and Veronica was now laughing too. Everybody seemed to suspect something was going on until Brian finally resolved the whole ordeal. “She’s a fucking porn star on the internet, and dip shit here fucking jerks it to her every night.”
“Porn!” Jolinda exclaimed, “That’s what you’ve reduced yourself too? Stalking porn stars on the internet?”
“It beats having sex in a dumpster on top of a rickety ass old end table doesn’t it?”
“No,” Jolinda was now the chief interrogator. “That’s fine if you wanna jerk your chain or whatever looking at girls on the internet, that’s fine I guess, you guys do what you do. Don’t you find it the least bit creepy that you know where she lives and even her birthday?”
“Not at all. We are in love. I can tell by the way she looks at me through the computer screen that she is my perfect woman, my soul mate, who I’ve been waiting for my whole life. And, she doesn’t have a boyfriend either.”
“How do you know she doesn’t have a boyfriend?”
“Because she doesn’t have any scenes with her and other guys, only other girls.”
“Then she’s probably a lesbian.”
“Well, then I guess I will just have to get a sex change to be with her.”
“Ok,” Veronica said laughing, “Alex might be exempt from the $50 shock value rule.”
35. Built to Spill
"Out of Site" 5:36
Perfect From Now On
“Let me get this straight,” Jolinda was staring down at him sternly, and Alex was now the only one removing glass particles from the carpet, “you’re willing to go out and get a sex change operation now, to be with a lesbian porn star you jerk it to on the internet just based on pictures you’ve seen of her?”
“Yea,” it was an obvious answer, “well, that and that she is potentially an Aries.”
“You’ve lost your fucking mind.”
“No I haven’t. Plus, I think I’d make a fucking hot ass woman.”
It got quiet as they all looked at his scrawny figure. Veronica finally yelled at him, “You ain’t got no tits you fucking dipshit!”
Paul had temporarily returned to cleaning but looked Alex right in the eye, “yea, you fucking dipshit! You ain’t got no fucking tits!”
“You don’t know that.”
Lamar leaned over and squeezed his chest, “nope, he ain’t got no tits.”
“How the fuck you gonna be a hot ass woman and not have any tits whatsoever?” Paul took over interrogation duties. “Your chest is flat as a mother fucker. You’re the most flat chested person I’ve ever met.”
“So,” Alex stated as if this should not be a concern, “just think of all the money I could raise for breast cancer awareness month.”
Small Paul head butted him and dropped him to the ground. “Ok,” Veronica stated laughing along with Brian, “that one might be worth a free beer. Shall we?”
Brighten the Corners
The new lamp would have to temporarily be put on hold. It was a nice evening and a good night to go out and have a couple with friends. Their favorite spot was hopping, as they were all joined with a few other friends…the aforementioned Freddie and Jamie, along with two more midget wrestlers Chandler Killbody and Luther N. Cox. They had all been enjoying themselves merrily at the bar for a couple hours now, and all had been perfectly fine… they had even made some new friends as everybody at this place seemed pretty cool.
"Paranoid Android" 6:24
Veronica had become a spectacle here. No, not due to the fact she had dwarfism; a few other people here had the same characteristics. She and Alex had engaged in a music trivia battle, and she was actually winning…this would be Alex’s first defeat in this particular contest. Also, the other wrestlers had not met her acquaintance yet, although they had heard about her, and was in the initiation process…which Veronica the soon-to-be stand-up comic featured in the matches was readily prepared.
“Yo,” Luther N. Cox approached her, “what the fuck you looking at?” Midgets can joke like this with one another because they all commonly loathe the notion of being a tourist attraction in common areas. “Oh, I get it; you didn’t know there was any such thing as a black midget did you? You thought the only people that was allowed to be gifted as our kind so gratefully is blessed, is white bitches…like you.”
Veronica let out a sigh and that beautiful smile she posses, “nope, that’s not it. See, I had heard that (stresses majorly) you people were supposedly gifted in other departments. But, Brian said he saw you in the shower and that laid that notion to rest. (She sighed and shook her again) And we had so much hope…you were the chosen one that was supposed to represent us…but, (gestures with her finger approximating one inch) you came up a little bit short.”
"A.M. 180" 3:21
Under the Western Freeway
Luther laughed and hopped up on the bar stool next to where she and Jolinda were seated. “She’s good, I heard about that! (Laughs) All right, you got me on that one.” Luther extended his hand to Veronica, “I’m Luther. Luther N. Cox.”
Veronica laughed,”that’s a good one.”
“You know what my real name is?”
“For real, Luther N. Cox.”
“He’s right,” Jolinda confirmed.
“Technically it’s Luther Nelson Cox, but I like to go by Luther N. Cox, you know, the old pun for Lutheran Cocks. So, guess what my stage name is?”
“Big black Luther N. Cox!”
Veronica laughed, “I love it.”
The merriment lasted. Jolinda went to the bathroom. Brian, Small Paul, Alex, and Lamar were off hanging out with Freddie and Jamie somewhere. Chandler Killbody was in the back playing chess with this cat named Malcolm…and this chess match had been going on for days. Luther N. Cox and Veronica were left alone at the bar. It should also be known that Luther is but an adequate wrestler, but has an entertaining personality and mainly provides comedic stunts during performances. He’s not quite the badass as the rest of the group.
31. Sigur Rós
"Syndir Guðs (Opinberun Frelsarans)" 7:46
A group of douchy ordinaries entered the bar and immediately did not belong. There were five people in this group; they were obnoxious and acted as if they had never been out in public before. Aside from yelling cheesy clichés to one another (then laughing at their own jokes out loud) and assuming other people had any interest in them whatsoever, they approached the bar and immediately started asking stupid questions, requested the channel be changed, and asked if they had karaoke. No, none of that…not here. Their mere presence alone created tension in what had been a chill atmosphere.
If they were truly interested in watching a game of minimal interest and karaoke Journey songs, then why not go to a place that actually does these things…and Milwaukee is littered with them. Why invade one of the few places where people go to avoid these types of charades.
“I’ll have a Bud Light,” the one finally ordered after asking about the décor of the table…as if this were relevant to anything.
“We don’t carry Bud Light.”
“What? How can you not have Bud Light? You gotta have Bud Light. Every place has Bud Light.”
“It’s just not popular here.”
“Well, can you get any in? Could you order some? I mean, we’ll pay you for it, leave a tip maybe?”
These people were asking these annoying questions while standing next to the seat that had been occupied by Jolinda who had just returned from the bathroom. “I can’t believe this place doesn’t have Bud Light. What kind of a place is this?”
“Oh my God,” exclaimed one of the members in his group pointing at Veronica and Luther, “look Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.” The other people in this group found this joke funny. Jolinda did not.
30. Laddio Bolocko
"The Man Who Never Was" 4:21
Strange Warmings Of Laddio Bolocko
New York, NY
“Oh,” said the guy attempting to order Bud Light, “well that answers that. This must be a midget bar then? Hey, little fella, how come you people don’t like Bud Light.”
“Uhhh,” Veronica was preparing her smart aleck response, “because Bud Light is the official beer of the American douchebag?”
“Oh my God, she just called you douche.”
“Did you just call me a douche?”
“I did just call you a douche,” Veronica was prepared to match wits with these obvious idiots.
Luther was not. “Yea, and I just called you a douche too… now get the fuck out of here.”
“Listen to these people. Calling (stressing) us douches?”
“Because you are a douche,” Luther was growing irate, “now go!”
“Are you kicking us out of here? It’s a free country, we can do whatever we want.”
One of the guys in the back thought he was clever, all the way from behind his friends, “you go…go back to Munchkinland you damn Oompa Loompa.”
Veronica leaned over to look at the one who made that comment, “Both Willie Wonka and The Wizard of Oz has held up way better over time than Jersey Shore ever will.”
“Come on guys,” Luther was growing more uncomfortable in their presence, “just go. Leave us alone. Jesus.”
“Fuck you, you and your bitch here.” The instigator unexpectedly lifted the back of Luther’s chair, causing him to slide out of it and crashing into Veronica. Shit changes when there is a woman present.
The instigator was actually attempting to take a seat in the chair that had been occupied by Luther, adding, “These fucking little people are being dicks.”
29. Space Needle
"Hyapatia Lee" 5:00
The Moray Eels Eat the Space Needle
Just as he was about to take a seat in the chair, Jolinda burst through the crowd that had gathered, forcefully put her arm against the back of the chair, blocking him from sitting in it. “Mother fuckers,” Jolinda was immediately back in ass kicker mode, “go! Move away from here right now.” There was a tense stare down for a moment when the guy who made the Oompa Loompa comment murmured a little too loudly to his friends, “typical nigger. You get into an argument with one, and then you have to deal with all of them.”
“What did you say?”
The guy was standing behind his friends and had 3 other people as a barricade for him. “You know, I just said…”
Jolinda did not allow him to finish his retort. She reared back her fist, swung through the barricade of friends, and the punch landed squarely on this person’s nose.
(PAUSE THE SCREEN RIGHT AT THE MOMENT JOLINDA’S FIST MAKES CONTACT WITH THE FACE) Still Image: His expression is that of somebody who had just been punched in the nose.
(Narrative voiceover depicting where exactly the named persons are in the bar at this very moment) Flyin’ Brian Valentine, Small Paul, and Lamar are extreme badasses. (Quick flashback to the still image of the lamp crashing on the floor) You may recall, they had only one fear. (The look on Jolinda’s face as she is punching this person is fierce) Should they ever decide that is was indeed appropriate to hit a girl, and actually fight Jolinda back with their fullest strength, they might get lucky and force a draw.
"Trans/Resistr Now" 4:40
The Fist and the Laurels
New York, NY
(RESUME ACTION) After the one punch, the douche’s nose was instantly broken, blood spewing from his nostrils all down his shirt, and his lip was busted too. The guy ordering the Bud Light decided it would be a good idea to kick Veronica out of the way in order to shove Jolinda.
(PAUSE THE SCREEN (For this scene in the actual movie, the music temporarily returns to the previous Space Needle song while the screen is paused.)) Still Image: This picture shows the Bud Light ordering douche forcefully shoving Jolinda in the shoulder. Lamar is en route to getting involved in the scene and is looking directly at the fracas. When we look to see what his eyes are fixed upon, a pen circles the douche’s hand that is pushing Jolinda on the shoulder. Shit changes rapidly when spouses are involved.
(RESUME (and resume the Speedking song for the action sequences.)) Lamar grabbed the Bud Light ordering douche and drilled him with his massive fist square in the side of the face. While holding him up by his shirt collar, he continued to pound him in the side of the side of the face, which is already swollen, broken jaw and cheekbone, and more blood poured from the eye, which looked dazed and desolate, with each punch... the guy had a dead stare and did not even defend himself.
The person who attempted to steal Luther’s chair made the wonderful decision to get involved as well; as if he had the ability to do anything against Lamar anyway. But, this bro thought he was something special…did not realize that he was ordinary. He pushed the chair out of the way and attempted to deploy Lamar.
"Like Herod" 11:40
(PAUSE THE SCREEN) Still Image: In the immediate area surrounding this person’s face, all looks ordinary…even this person’s douchy face. However, once we scroll down, we see Veronica falling down and this person carelessly pushing a chair into her, forcing the fall. When we scroll back up, up past the original still shot, and then move the arrows to the right, we see Flyin’ Brian Valentine in midair soaring towards this particular douche.
(RESUME (6:22 mark of the song)) This guy didn’t even see Brian coming. Brian landed a two-fisted “Polish Hammer” directly across his face, and countered with a swift amazingly fast series of combination punches that all landed directly in his face. When Brian initially landed, he was standing on top of a bar stool beating this guy in the face. After just a few seconds, the guy dropped to the ground, and Brian jumped off the bar stool and rode him down beating him even worse the entire way. Once all the way to the ground, Brian continued punching him in the head, kicking him, stomping on his face.
26. Bardo Pond
Luther N. Cox helped Veronica up and moved her to a booth. With the same type of personality switch that Jolinda was so good at, Luther calmly told her “wait right here.” After ensuring she was uninjured, Luther returned to ass kicker mode and rejoined the fight. The person whom casualty #1 had made the Oompa Loompa joke to violently beat down by Jolinda…this was victim #2 for her.
The person who actually made the joke had his hair in the grasp of Luther N. Cox, who was smashing his head into the metal foot prop at the bottom of the bar. Small Paul and Chandler Killbody were taking care of the 5th person in this group; he was lying on the ground and Small Paul and Chandler were stomping his face into the floor.
It’s a simple case that proves how it is. The one who starts the fight, one way or another, eventually, loses the fight. However, the victorious ones, well, they are the ones who get arrested. And Veronica, she had to be the one to bail them all out while each of them hoped the charges would soon be dismissed.