Chapter 1: The Beautiful Landscaping Stone From Outer Space
Chapter 2: The Slight Spread of a Small Growth
Chapter 3: The Miracle We All Feared
Chapter 4: Extraordinary Benefits vs. The Carpet
Chapter 5: The Age of Miracles
Chapter 6: 25 Song Music Montage: The Spread Continues
Chapter 7: The Shingles Clean-up Committee
Chapter 8: FS=N
Chapter I: The Beautiful Landscaping Stone From Outer Space
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
"Hello? Is This Thing On?" 7:34
Louden Up Now
New York, NY
It was a routine drive home from work; same shit as every other ride home from work. The passenger was talking some bullshit, and both the driver and passenger were just happy to be off work. At the stop sign, same stop sign they stop at every single day, a gigantic rock mysteriously crashed down on the hood of the car. They assumed some mother fuckers had thrown a rock at the car, some God damn kids. Both people got out of the car, examined the gigantic rock, and looked around for the assailants who had committed this awful crime. There was nobody around, except for two older men sitting on a porch drinking a beer. It surely wasn’t them; they did not fit the profile of some mother fuckers who would launch a rock of this magnitude at a passing vehicle.
199. Kings of Convenience
Riot on an Empty Street
Fortunately, and somewhat miraculously, the vehicle was not horribly damage, just a slight dent. However, this rock that landed on the hood was humungous. It was extremely heavy too, and the two men together had difficulties moving it. One thing they both admitted, even though they were frustrated and startled, this was indeed a beautiful looking rock. There were clusters of sparkling crystals glistening throughout its smooth glossy black shiny surface. At the very least, it would make a wonderful landscaping decoration.
Summer in Abaddon
San Diego, CA
“Look at this thing;” the passenger said to the driver, “it’s huge. Look around, there is nobody in sight. As heavy as this thing is, there is no way somebody threw this thing from a far distance.” He was right, and that induced an eerie bewilderment. Upon ruling out the fact that this mysterious rock was not hurled from a distance by some kids in the neighborhood, it only raised questions as to where it actually did emanate. The bizarre situation caught the attention from the two guys seated on the porch as they coalesced to investigate the matter.
197. Drive-By Truckers
The Dirty South
The car was not damaged, and that ruled out a list of possibilities. No person present had ever seen a stone that resembled this thing now on the hood of a running vehicle in the middle of a city street. There was the possibility that it just dropped from the sky…maybe it came from outer space. The only evidence they had to dismiss that notion was the fact that is just sounded crazy. Finally, they decided to abstract the rock from the hood of the car and into the backseat; all four men assisted with this task. There was a landscaping shop not far out of the way, and they figured they could stop by there and inquire about the normality of this mystical beautiful black stone. The main intention, however, was to relinquish any apprehension that this stone had dropped from outer space; as crazy as that notion sounded, at this point it was the only reasonable explanation.
The Pretty Toney Album
Staten Island, NY
No person present wished to contact the police. There was no certainty that an actual crime had occurred, and it’s not as if the police would actually do anything anyway. If anything, they would merely confiscate the rock, which perhaps could be valuable, and possibly harass the driver by writing him a citation for some fabricated violation in order to achieve his quota. It was declared the driver was now the rightful owner of the rock, but he agreed that if it had any significant monetary value, he would buy everybody drinks.
"Public Pervert" 4:42
New York, NY
None of the employees at the landscaping store could identify the rock. One of the associates claimed to be an expert in this field, had been buying and selling landscaping stones for decades, and he had never discerned any rock that resembled this mysterious looking one that fell from the sky. He was perturbed that somebody would dissipate such a beautiful decorative rock by simply hurling it at another person’s vehicle. It would take a real degenerative piece of shit to steal this rock out of somebody’s garden, carry it all the way to the corner (unnoticed), and heave it at a passing car.
194. The Magnetic Fields
"I Looked All Over Town" 2:41
Boston, MA/New York, NY
The rock was too heavy to facilely carry a prolonged distance. If some buffoons had thrown it at the vehicle, they would have to have done so in close proximity because it could not be thrown a far distance. One possible explanation would be that if it was a mischievous crime of vandalism, than the assailant was somebody like Superman, and the world was in serious jeopardy of facing a super villain that could potentially ruin the world…The Unheralded Stone Thrower in a black cape. That theory was laughed off; the theory it dropped from outer space was chuckled over, but contemplated.
Los Angeles, CA
The self-proclaimed expert offered to buy it, and they negotiated a price. Even if this rock did not come from outer space, and was merely a conglomeration of marble and crystal, which was unheard of but there might be something in the classification manual, it would retail for roughly $500. However, there was potential that it could be an ultra-rare species that could potentially be priceless. All parties were honest with one another, and the landscaping business was but a small retail shop that did not carry enormous amounts of money in the safe.
192. Sondre Lerche
"Wet Ground" 3:14
Two Way Monologue
It was considered too risky to pay massive amounts of cash for a decorative stone that could potentially be worth no more than the retail price of a nice decoration. However, it was even more of a risk to let something this rare simply walk out the door. In good faith, the business manager gave the driver a check for $500, not bad earnings for merely stopping at the same stop sign they routinely stop at every day anyway. But, the manager agreed with a handshake that if this rock happened to be a priceless artifact, they would split the money. It was a fair proposition, the rock did belong to the driver, but he had no clue what to do with it.
191. Ricky Fanté
"Are You Lonely Too" 4:05
The driver of the car was single and did not have children. He lived alone, and did not have as active of a social life as many other people. In the past three years, only person has ever sat in that backseat, and that was some person he did not hardly even know. Once he returned home, by himself, he cleaned all of the debris particles out of the backseat, and then went inside as he normally does. It would be nice if that stone ended up being worth a lot of money, that would resolve a number of issues. He did extensive college student-like research on the stone—attempting to locate its classification on the internet by merely conducting a search on Google and Wikipedia.
190. Lali Puna
"Left Handed" 3:44
Faking the Books
In a more advanced setting, the manager of the landscaping business performed an actual thorough investigation. He examined the rock with a magnifying glass, seeking out blemishes, and analyzing all of the details that may fortify any determination. There seemed to be no flaws whatsoever. The manager had a collection of books and spent the entire evening looking at various pictures in the books and on the internet. No conclusion was made; there were a few similarities, but no exact match in any of the classification digests.
189. Peter Fenton
"The Song People" 4:14
In The Lovers Arms
There accompanies an uneasy feeling when an alien presence from outer space is a guest inside the once comforts of the home. The landscaping manager remained unsettled in bed attempting to discredit that ridiculous notion, but could not. “Man,” he said out loud to his wife, “that thing came from outer space.” She rolled over and looked at him for she had been awake too, and now was equally pissed off that her own husband just called her “man”. That’s a scary thought: having something in the house besides a drunken slut with no clue where it commenced. Gazing at the stars, the possibilities were endless as to where this rock originated and the other purposes it may be capable.
188. Andy Bey
"Speak Low" 7:26
He could not refrain from getting out of bed to re-examine it. The first thing he wanted to confirm was that it was not a transportation device; that it could not be opened and some creature living inside of it would transpire. There had been neither reports of a meteor shower, nor anything along the lines of the The Great Daylight 1972 Fireball. Furthermore, it was suspicious how if this genuinely extra terrestrial thing landed from outer space, that significant damage did not occur to the vehicle. Some meteoroids are known to create sonic booms, magnificent displays of lights, and caused harmful effects such as craters, nuclear devastation, and severe skin rashes, particularly in mobile home parks. Several of these meteors have even ended the world.
"Mixed Cavalry" 3:35
Throw Down the Reins
Vancouver, BC Canada
If there was one, this validated the possibility that there could be more. Perhaps more of these things had landed elsewhere; or there were intentions that more of them would be arriving momentarily. It would be a rare enigma for there to be only one of these things in the entire universe. However, where exactly it came from remained a mystery.
"To All of You" 4:09
Since We Last Spoke
Due to the fact that the substance of the material was virtually unknown, it would be advised to take necessary precautions when handling the rock. They had been reminded of the movie Creepshow in which one of the characters was soon covered with moss from mishandling a meteor that had fallen near a lake. Touching any foreign substance presents the risk of a harmful reaction. However, they had already handled the rock with bare hands, and nobody involved was suffering any sort of calamity.
185. Clann Zú
"From an Unholy Height" 6:14
Black Coats and Bandages
The landscaping manager adorned a pair of rubber gloves, and carefully moved the rock outside to the backyard. More research needed to be conducted on this matter before it could be viewable to the public. He even summoned advocacy from other experts in the field; invited them over for further observation. An ordained geologist flew in from Boulder to assist in the matter—fucker wasn’t doing shit else anyway. None of them were able to devise any conclusive evidence as to its exact specification.
184. Future Pilot AKA
"If You're Ready (Come Go With Me)" 3:26
Salute Your Soul
Several days passed and none of the people involved experienced any sort harmful side effects from handling the mysterious rock. As it appeared, everything was completely normal and the rock was deemed harmless. It did become somewhat of a tourist attraction as a few close friends paid a visit to view the glossy stone from outer space. If anything, it was considered a luxury of significant elegance. And, people who claim gardening to be their most essential hobby developed a fond interest in the stone. Finally, in a grand display that only proved just how much money white people are willing to waste on this sort of shit; the stone was purchased from the landscaping shop for $12,000.
183. Ben Kweller
"I Need You To Know" 2:37
On My Way
San Francisco, CA/New York, NY
The landscaping manager consulted with the driver of the vehicle prior to making the sale, and both agreed that considering the status of each, the price was absolutely remarkable. It would have been nice to sell it to a museum for a trillion dollars, but at the same time, it could have been confiscated by authorities. Without having done too much labor in the ordeal, the landscaping manager and the driver of the vehicle received $6000 apiece. That was basically free money, and was put to good use by both parties.
"Centuries Of Sin" 4:09
US (Dave Grohl: Warren, OH/Encino, CA)
The flight of any object from outer space to reach the surface of the Earth is beyond both imagination and reasonable explanation. No matter where it originated, somewhere in its existence, the final destination had been compelled to an area where it was never expected to arrive. Its’ history can never be fully revealed, and we have no clue as to what its’ purpose might have once been. We can only assume these matters and develop theories that may or may not be factual. Regardless, the decent from the heavens happened at rapid pace, a possible explosion, and mass destruction had to have occurred somewhere in order for it to have strayed into the hood of an automobile stopped at a sign.
181. The Beta Band
"Pure For" 3:53
Heroes to Zeros
All of the neighbors in the white community were thrilled to see the wonderful new purchase the Henderson’s had made for their garden. The entire neighborhood had paid a visit to see this exciting polished stone from outer space. They took pictures of each other sitting on it, and this was the happiest they had seen Mrs. Henderson since the day her package from the Adam & Eve catalogue arrived in the mail. Many of the neighbors were envious, and vowed they were going to purchase one the moment more of them became available.
180. The Dresden Dolls
"Missed Me" 4:53
The Dresden Dolls
A laptop computer carries an average price of $700 and nobody would dare leave one out on the porch for the fact that it may get stolen. When Mrs. Henderson went out to her garden and realized that the $12,000 stone from outer space had been stolen, she nearly had an anxiety attack. In a fit of rage, she stormed the entire community in search of her prized possession. She walked the streets as a crazed lunatic, throwing fits of rage, wrongful accusations, and violent outbursts to innocent pedestrians as she declared she was going to find the menace who stole her $12,000 decorative rock and bash his or her face in with it.
La Maison de Mon Reve
Paris, France/New York, NY
In the office of the landscaping manager, a small pile of debris had formed on the carpet where the stone once sat. The manager thought nothing of it, assumed it was a spot he had missed, and merely swept it into the garbage. However, this particular debris did not disperse from the carpet without difficulty, and sometimes not at all—you know how when you smash a cockroach into the carpet at your house, and it dries and sticks to rug like superglue—about like that. These things embedded in the carpet had numerous similarities to the scales of a typical pinecone. After cleaning the mess, the manager assumed they must have come from a pinecone; at a landscaping nursery, these things are common.
178. Joel Frahm With Brad Mehldau
"Mother Nature's Son" 5:43
New York, NY(JF: Racine, WI; BM:Jacksonville, FL)
The next day, the pinecone looking debris returned in the exact same spot. Once again, the manager had to industriously sweep them all up in a dustpan. He vacuumed, applied some carpet cleaner, and took several steps necessary to prevent this growth from re-occurring which included a step-by-step procedure concocted with sheer brilliance by the astounding genius Mrs. Martha Stewart herself. However, it did happen again, in the exact same spot. After a morning long tirade that concluded how it was obvious why “that stupid fucking whore went to slammer” and how K-Mart went out of business, he finally pulled off one of the scales and examined it to see what exactly it was. It looked and felt no different than the scales of a pinecone. For whatever reason though, it seemed to grow in this exact same spot every day. And, everyday he swept them all up and disposed of them in the garbage.
177. Badly Drawn Boy
One Plus One Is One
When he awoke the next morning, the portion of the carpet was once again covered with pinecone scales. This time, however, they had started to grow on the wall beside the carpet. He decided enough was enough on this, assumed the carpet had been infested with mildew, and tore the entire carpet out of the floor and burned it. A portion of the $6000 he earned from selling the stone from outer space paid for new carpet in the business office. The new carpet looked nice too—it was a dark brick red and gave the room a more tranquil feel than that crappy brown carpet that had been in there for over a decade.
"When the Moon Was Blue" 6:42
High Water Mark
New York, NY
Being totally satisfied with the purchase of his new carpet, the landscaping manager shook his head in disgust the next morning. The wall must have been infested with mildew as well. There weren’t any pinecone looking substances growing on the carpet any longer, but they were again growing on the small patch of the wall. Based on the assessment of the landscaping manager, one could assume that the backseat of the driver’s car had become mildew-y as well, because there was a large growth of these pinecone-like scales covering his backseat. Since nobody ever rode in this backseat, they went undetected for longer than usual, and the center of the backseat was nearly covered.
After he vacuumed all of these things at the car wash, and returned to normal, it would appear that the hood of his car had become infested with mildew also. It did not take him long to determine that the growth of shingles on both his hood and the backseat could only have come from the stone from outer space. However, they were not growing on his hands, so he did not become too concerned.
The landscaping manager finally made this same assessment when he noticed a small patch of shingles growing outside in the garden where he had kept the stone prior to selling it. They were fine outside; at least it wasn’t growing on the walls inside his home. Furthermore, his hands were fine as well. As long as they weren’t growing on him, he did not care; although he did see his physician to make sure all was fine…and everything was perfectly intact. There was a small patch of shingles in Mrs. Henderson’s garden as well. However, the stone had disappeared, and nobody knew where it was.
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