Chapter 1: The Beautiful Landscaping Stone From Outer Space
Chapter 2: The Slight Spread of a Small Growth
Chapter 3: The Miracle We All Feared
Chapter 4: Extraordinary Benefits vs. The Carpet
Chapter 5: The Age of Miracles
Chapter 6: 25 Song Music Montage: The Spread Continues
Chapter 7: The Shingles Clean-up Committee
Chapter 8: FS=N
Chapter III: The Miracle We All Feared
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
150. Nic Armstrong
"I Can't Stand It" 2:30
The Greatest White Liar
Newcastle upon Tyne, England
Once it became determined that the growth patches of shingles were possibly spawned from a gorgeous stone that hailed from outer space, people gradually devoted more attention to them. However, the sightings of them were still rare. Whenever people spotted them outside, they were enamored and would often take photographs of them. Some people would pluck them from the ground and take them home as souvenirs. One person even endowed a handful to his girlfriend to show how much he really loved her.
149. The Bees
"No Atmosphere" 3:49
Free The Bees
Ventnor, Isle of Wight, United Kingdom
Pretty much all shingles were the exact same size. Even though they would multiply and spread, they would not grow any larger than the size they were when they initially appeared. They were barely one inch tall, immobile, and due to the size, not considered a threat. However, there seemed to be no requirements in order from them survive—they did not require any nutrients, sunlight, water, or atmosphere. Shingles possessed the ability to thrive anywhere.
148. The Detroit Cobras
"Mean Man" 2:38
As determined by the geniuses who comprise the human race, once a shingle was plucked from the space it originally sprouted, it was considered dead the moment it was detached. There seemed to be no evidence that once a shingle was removed that it would re-attach itself to another surface. On the other hand, it did not disintegrate nor disappear neither. A dead shingle looked exactly like a living shingle and would not decompose. Although a shingle would never re-attach itself, an entirely new shingle would reproduce exactly where it had been extracted. Some men would purposely stomp on an entire patch of them and attempt to smear them into the ground with their foot assuming they were “killing” them.
147. The Cowslingers
"I Got Time" 3:18
Even after the media conveyed a brief report on shingles, life was completely unaltered. The day after the report, 90% of the world’s population had still never even caught a small glimpse of a shingle, and the vast majority still never even heard of them; it was not major news. Two friends who had been involved in a bank robbery were travelling around the world simply enjoying life and living exactly as they pleased since achieving sovereignty. The shingles did not deter them from anything, and the entire week they travelled across Europe, they never even encountered a single one of them…and still had not even heard of them.
146. The Futureheads
It had been advised, but only briefly, to handle the shingles with caution. They were, in fact, an alien substance in which no person on Earth fully understood. Even though they were deemed completely harmless, and no person who had ever physically touched them experienced any sort of reaction whatsoever, they were still a new development and the maturity was unknown. And the fact that they were spreading and any means to prevent unwanted growth had been ineffective, precautionary measures were being encouraged.
145. The Hives
"Dead Quote Olympics" 1:59
A significant portion of the population ignored all warnings and continued to potentially mishandle the shingles. One degenerate cock sucker walked around gathering them as if this were his new hobby. Whenever this fat blubbering piece of shit would spot a patch of shingles, he would pluck all of them, place them in his pocket, and then deposit them in his dresser along with his socks, underwear, and the rest of the collection of shingles. Also, he was the very first person to ever attempt to eat one of them. They are, unfortunately, fatally poisonous. But, because he consumed the substance in privacy, his cause of death was unknown.
144. Rogue Wave
"Sewn Up" 3:10
Out of the Shadow
While he was alive, the fat blubbering piece of shit was considered bothersome, irritating, annoying, he fucking stunk like shit, he was boring, and spending periods of more than five minutes with this sorry ass fucking loser was torture. He was unmarried, did not have any friends, not wealthy, and his death did not make headline news. Furthermore, nobody rushed to his home to gather his belongings—mainly because nobody wanted any his garbage. For the most part, there was nothing in his home of any significant value, and some of the items were merely glanced at while the house was put up for sale. Several weeks passed before anybody ever went in there, and it’s not as if his collection of shingles was a hot collector’s item.
143. Joan of Arc
"80's Dance Parties Most of All" 1:49
Joan of Arc, Dick Cheney, Mark Twain
For all anybody knew, shingles were cocoons that were going to evolve into destructive space creatures at any time. Those who knew of shingles developed all sorts of bizarre conspiracies as to what they actually were. Some people believed they were placed by the government as a means to watch each person’s every move. Others perpetrated that they were explosive and were on the verge of detonating the Earth.
San Francisco, CA
Two friends competed in a friendly game of tennis in which one person would serve and the other would either swing and miss or knock the ball over the fence. After the game, the two companions sat outside the fence conversing over a bottle of water. After a nice discussion about the wonderful features each person had on their phones, they bid farewell to the tennis court and headed to their cars. One of the guys had a few shingles attached to his socks; it bore much resemblance to walking through a patch of sticker bushes and having those little sticker things stuck to the shoe laces (survey indicates less than 2% of the world’s population know the actual name; 82% believe “those little sticker things” is the actual scientific name for them). The person who had the shingles on his socks smiled, “look at that—shingles,” and simply brushed them off and onto the ground. His friend seemed a little more unsettled, “scientists are concerned about those things; they don’t know what they might do.”
141. John Legend
"Stay With You" 3:49
It had not even been a month since the stone fell atop the driver’s car. There were only a handful of incidents in which people had reported shingles invading the interior of their homes. However, you know how like when you catch herpes and they don’t ever go away, shingles were like that. Once they were affixed anywhere in the home (for that matter, any place else) they were going to stay there seemingly forever. Nothing had been formulated to eliminate them or prevent them from returning. When a person spotted a small patch of shingles on his/her wall, they were unfortunately stuck with them forever (just like the herpes you contracted the other night); unless they wanted to dislodge the section of the home that had been contaminated and replace it entirely… that procedure could be even more expensive than how like when you got a sex change operation to get rid of your herpes.
140. The Zutons
"Zuton Fever" 3:09
Who Killed... The Zutons
Due to the fact that nobody went inside his home after the fat blubbering piece of shit croaked, his entire bedroom floor became almost completely covered in shingles. The one drawer in which he kept his collection was thoroughly covered. All sides of the one drawer were completely covered, as were all of the items inside of it. When his Aunt Theresa opened the drawer and saw nothing but shingles, she froze in terror, screamed, and slammed the drawer shut. It was an appalling sight; she was so terrified that she raced out of the house with disconcerting fear. This was not the first time neighbors had witnessed a woman exiting the fat blubbering piece of shit’s house in this fashion, however.
139. Digger & The Pussycats
"I Went Out Looking" 3:13
Young, Tight and Alright
Another large patch existed out in the middle of a desolate forest. It was the location in which Wes had committed suicide. After he shot himself, the patch of shingles gradually expanded towards him until that first one sprouted on his finger. When he was found by authorities, he was completely submerged in shingles while lying dead on the ground. However, the tree adjacent to his corpse was not. He was discovered when a group of hikers noticed the blood splattered on the tree.
138. The Mendoza Line
"Fellow Travelers" 3:31
A group of scientists were summoned to conduct extensive research on this species. As they studied the species under microscopes attempting to decipher its classification measures, they struggled with breaking one open in order to study its internal structure. Although slightly flimsy, they would not break in half by merely bending them; including the ones that had been ruled dead. Stomping into them could not break them apart, nor could striking them with blunt objects such as a hammer. They seemed somewhat indestructible, until they discovered they could at least be dissected with scissors or sharp cutting objects.
137. Citizen Cope
"D'Artagnan's Theme" 5:13
The Clarence Greenwood Recordings
Memphis, TN/Washington, D.C.
Once a shingle was cut open with the usage of scissors, the otherwise inanimate object would twitch…as if it were feeling pain. Inside the shingle was nothing but a purple liquid-y substance that oozed out once cut open. The amount of liquid inside the shingle was minute—a small fraction of a teaspoon. However, the purple liquid caused an allergic reaction to the skin, consisting of severe burning, numbness, and pain…followed by a small growth of shingles exactly where the liquid adhered to the skin. To make matters more complicated, the moment the new shingles formed, the intense pain of the allergic reaction would cease immediately.
136. Iron & Wine
"Sunset Soon Forgotten" 3:22
Our Endless Numbered Days
Columbia, SC/Dripping Springs, TX
After the pain stopped, and the shingles were removed, the sharp pain would return immediately. But, just like the patches in people’s homes, the shingles also soon returned. And when the shingles returned, the pain once again stopped. The person who had been burned by the purple liquid simply left the shingles on his finger; they were ugly, but it was a cure for the pain. He kept the shingles attached to his finger until the pain was gone completely…two days. There were no scars or blemishes on this finger, which healed perfectly fine and functional, but the shingles sprouted back every so often just like they do on the landscaping office wall.
135. Ben Harper & The Blind Boys of Alabama
"There Will Be a Light" 3:22
There Will Be a Light
BH: Pomona, CA/BBOA: Talladega, AL
At the very least, these mysterious shingles perhaps had some useful medicinal purposes. It was possible that these things could relieve all sorts of pain, and maybe even cure several otherwise incurable ailments. The condition of the scientist’s finger was in even better shape than before it happened, and he also reported that while the shingles had engulfed his skin, it was a soothing effect. After removing the shingles, which could be done with ease, his finger actually felt cleaner and healthier than the rest of his body. There was potential that these shingles were quite possibly a miracle.
134. Part Chimp
An autopsy was conducted on the fat blubbering piece of shit. When they cut him open, very little blood protruded. His entire body was filled with shingles and all of his internal organs were completely covered. No cause of death could be determined because all of his organs were perfectly intact once the shingles had been removed; the scalpel very easily could have been the cause of death. Although the sight of a human body being filled completely with shingles was frightening to say the least, all of his perfectly healthy organs were donated to other patients.
133. Trans Am
"Uninvited Guest" 2:10
The United States Armed Forces was among the first groups to conduct the most extensive studies on shingles, as well as the beneficiaries for the most funding. While doctors and scientists were seeking ways to control the spread of shingles in order for them to be used as medicine, the government was seeking ways to increase expansion so that the mysterious particles from outer space could be implemented to build weapons that could destroy hospitals and schools. They had been effective in the past by infecting entire Native American villages with polio so all the children could die slowly; they figured there must be a way to incorporate shingles for similar uses.
"The Man With 100 Cells" 3:47
London, England/Bordeaux, France
Contracting shingles was equivalent to receiving mind blowing oral sex from an ugly person with an obnoxious personality. The shingles did provide an effective relief that was satisfying and pleasurable. However, they were not appealing to the eyes and looked horrendous attached to the skin even though they were providing a nice sensation. Furthermore, once a person had them, there was no getting rid of them… people can at least call the police and issue a restraining order on the clingy obnoxious person after the oral sex is finished.
131. Art of Fighting
"Break For Me" 5:26
People could touch shingles and even hold unattached ones in their bare hands without having to worry about them becoming a daily issue. As it stood in the first month, only a few people had ever experienced attachment to the skin and diagnosed with a recurring condition. But, because they provided positive effects rather than harmful impairment, this was not considered an epidemic. Furthermore, people assumed that it would be just a matter of time before a remedy was manufactured to avoid intermittence. Even though they could easily be brushed off, spotting a person at the store with a patch of shingles on the body was disturbing—akin to having brunch with a person who bares a horrendous skin defect with hair growing out of it.
130. Thievery Corporation
"My French Brother" 3:52
The Outernational Sound
The biggest risk that people feared was contracting shingles in the home. There had been several reports of this happening and dozens of people complained that they now a small patch of shingles in their home; most of them sizing out at a few square inches. Television did an investigative report on the subject and interviewed all of the home owners about their primary concerns. Although the program was borderline unwatchable due to all the commercials, the exact same set-up as every other program with the exact same typical questions being asked by the commentators who had dull personalities, more people did tune in for this event to see this development unfolding in the homes of others…mainly just to see the images of the shingles that had formed on the walls of otherwise clean and sanitary homes. The tears of the teenage white girl from Milwaukee who had her favorite blouse from Forever 21 ruined (which meant her life was ruined as well) because shingles reappeared daily was painstaking to watch for numerous reasons. It was a somber moment, the interviewer paused quietly, as she broke down into tears.
129. Guided By Voices
"Everybody Thinks I'm a Raincloud (When I'm Not Looking)" 3:21
Half Smiles of the Decomposed
Some people felt that if they could study the source of the condition, more conclusive research could be developed. However, the stone could not be located. People had heard stories of this remarkable stone; the driver of the vehicle was interrogated, as was the landscaping business owner and the Henderson’s. Nobody would confess to stealing the stone and therefore was never divulged; rather than state that it was needed to conduct valuable research, the one who stole it was portrayed a violent criminal, facing charges of grand theft, and a reward was issued for any person who could assist with his/her detainment. Of course nobody would manifest under these conditions, and now not one single person on Earth knows of its whereabouts.
128. Ted Leo & The Pharmacists
"The Angels' Share" 3:47
Shake the Sheets
Unfortunately for the human race, the stone happened to fall in a world dominated with capitalist Republican ideology operated and controlled by television. Both the driver and the business owner were perceived as diabolical menaces that jeopardized the well-being of society by not reporting the incident to the authorities immediately. Most of the same people who voiced these opinions were proud supporters of the tea party movement, also claimed the government should have limited power, have utilized unjust tactics to secure their own finances, and would never have believed anything came from outer space in the first place. Even though they would have done the exact same thing as the driver and business owner, they chastised them as criminals because that’s what it said on TV. All of sudden, they knew right away the stone came from outer space, knew of all the effects, felt the mighty government should be delegated this much power because they are the only ones who could ever resolve anything (not themselves, even though they knew all along the stone came from outer space), and their precious tax dollars should be used to have these demons jailed for life.
127. Mission of Burma
"Fake Blood" 3:32
Furthermore, the television and other profit seeking businesses sought ways to capitalize on this event while they could. It was widely accepted that they were going to remedy this nuisance relatively soon, and in order to profit from this phenomenon they needed to act now. Companies adopted a policy called “Shingles Insurance” where home owners could pay a high monthly premium in order to cover the cost of expenses to replace shingles contamination. The goal was to reap all of the monthly payments, and at the time only a few homes had been affected, stall on performing the repairs, and soon “they” would have a resolution to the crisis that would be inexpensive and perhaps free. It was yet another insurance scam.
126. Old Crow Medicine Show
"Wagon Wheel" 3:52
Thanks to effective advertisement on television, commercials depicting helpless couples who had gone bankrupt because the wall in the dining room had a one inch patch of shingles, that supposedly had been linked to flu causing contaminants (untrue), and the repairs were going to be in the neighborhood of up to $350,000 (in actuality, repairs could cost $2,500 which is expensive). They even escalated the percentage of homes which had been infested with shingles…the actual figure at the time of the ad was 4.3%, they claimed 43%.
Immediately after the advertising campaign, the phone lines were ringing off the hook as people had to have this insurance. The sales of shingles insurance skyrocketed through the roof as profits rolled into the insurance company’s bank account.
And not long after that, the phone lines lit up with home owners making claims of their houses being infested with shingles. They did claim 43% in the commercial. Although the patches were small, some consisting of only one or two shingles, that 43% proved prophetic rather than false advertising.
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