2012/01/18

The Top 150 Songs of 1976

The Top 150 Songs of 1976 + The Wicked Wizard of Oz
Part 1 of 6: Dexter the Good Douche Can Save Oz (Tracks 150-126)
Part 2 of 6: Fuck Yea! Dorothy's Back (Tracks 125-101)
Part 3 of 6: The Yellow Brick Path to Love (Tracks 100-76)
Part 4 of 6: Wild Nights in The Land of Oz (Tracks 75-51)
Part 5 of 6: The Oz Revolution (Tracks 50-26)
Part 6 of 6: Presenting...The World's First Ever Left Wing Society (25-#1)

Part I: Dexter the Good Douche Can Save Oz


Press play on the image below to listen to all of the songs while you read.



150. Be Bop Deluxe
"Modern Music"  3:41
Modern Music
Wakefield, England

Dexter could have gone out and looked for a job, but instead opted to sit around his shitty apartment smoking the bag of weed he chose to buy rather than pay his rent on time. The landlord wanted to sell the building, but due to the condition of Dexter’s apartment, the building was appraised for significantly less than he had hoped. Rather than go through the legal process to evict Dexter, the landlord invested in an eject button. As Dexter was sitting around the house, all alone, the landlord pressed the eject button, and Dexter’s apartment was sent flying through the air, spinning, twirling, through the heaven’s, and finally came crashing down in the land of Oz.

149. Flamin' Groovies
"Sometimes"  2:19
Shake Some Action
San Francisco, CA

The crash would have been devastating to most apartments, but Dexter’s apartment already looked as if it had been involved in a serious disaster. A crowd of spectators had circled around the crashed apartment, and upon emerging from his home, Dexter was greeted by some douchy white girl named Glenda. “Are you a good douche or a bad douche,” she asked Dexter.

“But, I’m not a douche at all,” Dexter responded.

Glenda whacked him upside his head with her wand, and with a nasty tone declared: “Ah, you are too- faggot!” She hit him again.


148. Rick Dees
"Disco Duck"  3:18
The Original Disco Duck
Greensboro, NC/Toluca Lake, CA

The munchkins began acting strangely. They cheered, and soon did a dance routine, a seriously douchy dance routine, some of them even acting like a duck.

“What the hell are these little mother fuckers so excited about,” Dexter asked Glenda.

“Your bag of weed spilled out on the ground, and now they are planning on smoking it.”

As they were dancing to “Disco Duck”, Dexter was concerned about his bag for obvious reasons. “So there’s going to be a bunch of stoned little mother fuckers running around? Acting even crazier than this?”

“How the hell else do you think this kingdom ended up looking this way. You fucking douche.”


147. Firefall
"You Are the Woman"  2:41
Firefall
Boulder, CO

“What the fuck are these things anyway, Oompa Loompas?”

“No, they are munchkins, from the land of Munchkinland.”

Glenda proceeded to go into elaborate details about the extraordinary life and struggles of the Munchkins, and Dexter did not pay her one bit of attention. Instead, he visualized the bliss an Oompa Loompa would experience should he ever encounter this female munchkin who was currently ransacking Dexter’s kitchen cabinets and stealing his last bit of aluminum foil. As Glenda continued her story, Dexter’s thoughts evolved into an all-out orgy involving Munchkins and the Oompa Loompas suggesting it would be a top-selling porno, especially in today’s market.


146. The Quick
"Hi-Lo"  2:36
Mondo Deco
Los Angeles, CA

Glenda was in mid-sentence when Dexter abruptly interrupted her, “you ever fuck one of these things?”

“No,” she said adamantly, “where did you hear that?”

Dexter shrugged. With a guilty conscious, Glenda stumbled over her words indicating that these particular rumors that Dexter had zero awareness even existed were untrue. By the time she was finished with her rant, she had accidentally admitted to sleeping with several of them, claiming she was either just drunk, going through a bad post-breakup period, a couple of them were sympathy fucks, one she was just curious and going through a lesbian phase, the film Glenda Does Munchkinland was all to raise money for charity, and it was all a really long time ago.


145. Burton Cummings
"Stand Tall"  3:23
Burton Cummings
Winnipeg, MB Canada

Boq was standing close by when he heard Glenda refer to their love affair as a sympathy fuck. These words crushed Boq, for he felt he and Glenda truly connected that night, last Wednesday. Upon hearing this, Boq retreated to the bathroom of Dexter’s crashed apartment and locked himself in the room. He thought of that wonderful night, and realized it was never going to evolve any further. He attempted to control his emotions as he sang a sad song to himself in the bathroom.

144. Jefferson Starship
"With Your Love"  3:38
Spitfire
San Francisco, CA

Like Glenda had previously claimed, Dexter too was curious and going through a phase…right this very instant. He had never experienced the ultimate pleasure of having been in bed with a munchkin. Alice, three foot nine, age 62, had caught his eye. He viewed his ejection into the land of Oz as fate, this was the ultimate sign that the two of them were to be together, forever, and he would stop at nothing to win her love. An image of himself seated beside Alice framed in a heart would become the motivation device to inspire him to succeed at anything. At that moment, Dexter vowed that one day, soon, he would be married to Alice and they would live happily for the rest of their lives…though according to current statistics, the rest of his life was going to be much longer than hers.

143. Silver
"Wham Bam Shang-A-Lang"  3:32
Silver
Los Angeles, CA

Feeling the type of confidence he had never felt before, Dexter ignored Glenda and went into his old apartment with intentions on befriending the munchkins. He was extremely kind to all of the munchkins, gladly answered questions about the uses of the devices in his home, allowed them to have anything they wanted, and offered some drinks out of the refrigerator. The gathering was a major success and within the hour, Dexter felt as if he truly belonged in Oz fraternizing with Munchkins. This was the life he had always dreamed of; and to think, it all came true just because he bought a bag of weed instead of paying the rent. Nobody had ever accused Dexter of having lofty expectations.

142. Nyl
"Nyl"  8:06
Nyl
France

Suddenly, the munchkins were overwhelmed with fear as a loud siren roared through the community. The munchkins scattered and hid in the cabinets underneath Dexter’s kitchen sink. The disturbance was caused by Elphaba, commonly referred to by some of these miserable little pricks as the Wicked Hipster of the West. As the munchkins scurried around in a state of panic, Glenda stood calmly as Elphaba flew through the air, spelling out words with the smoke from her broomstick. Displayed clearly in the sky with thick smoke were the words: “Give me back my shoes… bitch!” The munchkins were stricken with fear, Glenda appeared slightly annoyed, and Dexter was confused. “What the fuck is this shit all about?”

141. Phoebe Snow
"No Regrets"  3:02
Second Childhood
New York, NY (1950)-Edison, NJ (2011)

“Ah,” explained Glenda with a shrug, “that’s Elphaba, my old roommate in college. We go way back actually. Hipster BITCH is what she is. She claims to be all righteous and about equality and all that bullshit, but if you ask anybody, she hates white girls. Just so you know, that bitch is green. Our feud started a long time ago. First it was over schoolwork, magic, yes, admittedly, I was a bit jealous that she was so much smarter than I was. Then, a few years ago, just like your trashy apartment crashed down here, some white bitch from Kansas with a dog and her house came crashing through here and it killed her sister. She and I go back and forth, but where friends and shit, but sometimes she’s a real bitch.”

140. Heart
"Magic Man"  5:29
Dreamboat Annie
Seattle, WA

“The bitch stole my boyfriend,” Glenda concluded. “Fiyero is sooo hot! Yeah, like back in college, me and him were like totally going to be a thing. I had it for him so bad. He would come over, and I’d dress in really slutty attire, and grind my booty up against his cock. He turned so gay. I thought he was so gay because I would come out with my sexy gown, and flash him my titties, and that hot cock of his would go limp. It wasn’t always that way. At first, he totally wanted me. But then he came over, and next thing I know, he’s fucking that hipster whore roommate of mine. That fucking ho might be able to do better magic, and might be smarter, but let’s face it, the bitch is green. And now, Fiyero, my boyfriend, is with her, and I’m stuck out here fucking these stupid munchkins. I deserve better!”

“Better than these munchkins? Now, come on homegirl, you know these munchkins are fucking fine as fuck!”


139. The Alan Parsons Project
"The Tell-Tale Heart"  4:42
Tales of Mystery and Imagination
London, England

“Why are the munchkins so afraid of her?”

“Well, they celebrated when the slut from Kansas came in and her house killed her sister. It sounds cruel, sure, but she was receiving preferential treatment because she was in a wheelchair. The mayor had awarded her the only decent parking space in town, and they all celebrated when she was dead because that meant the good parking space was now available.”


138. Eddie & The Hot Rods
"Teenage Depression"  2:57
Teenage Depression
Canvey Island & Southend, England

Although the end of The Wizard of Oz displayed extreme bitterness, and the finale of Wicked showed some resolve, the feud had lingered, but without malicious intent. The bottom line, Glenda is a white girl, and if there is one thing that is sacred to a white girl, it’s shoes. In the grand scheme of things, the slippers were the primary cause of the ongoing feud… all other subsidiary matters were brought up based on the grudge against the shoes. Furthermore, Elphaba become outraged with the concept that Glenda had lent the shoes to another white girl without her permission; and if Glenda was so attached to these shoes, she would not have lent them out to Dorothy. This was the sort of deplorable shit that white bitches did frequently, and Elphaba loathed this premise. Out of hatred for white girls, Elphaba refused to use her magic to manufacture another pair, and in an interview on Oz News regarding comments Glenda had made about how these shoes perfectly match her outfit, Elphaba was quoted as saying: “then tell that bitch to go buy some new clothes, and match them accordingly with the shoes that are available.”

137. The Bellamy Brothers
"Let Your Love Flow"  3:19
Let Your Love Flow
Darby, FL/Los Angeles, CA

Dexter was uncertain how he felt about all of this. Part of him sided with Elphaba, and Glenda the white bitch was growing increasingly more annoying. It was obvious that she was neurotic and was definitely the type of woman most guys go for based on looks, and spend the rest of their lives miserable from having to spend too much time with her. But, he saw Alice again, and knew this was true love. All he could think about was Alice, and how they would someday be married in the kingdom of Oz. This thought consumed him, and as he found himself falling in love with the old ass decrepit munchkin, he vowed he was going to resolve this matter once and for all in order to win the charm of his true love. But how? He was but a douche who had flunked out of college.

136. Starcastle
"Forces"  6:27
Starcastle
Champaign, IL

Glenda offered a proposal; the mission that would resolve everything. Dexter was assigned to go see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. Once he visited the Wizard, he was to demand that the Wizard open a TJ Maxx somewhere on the yellow brick road. Furthermore, this TJ Maxx was to either carry shoes similar to what Elphaba had designed for her sister, or possibly even a new style that would modify her lusciously polished toes and augment her long slender legs; and maybe, just maybe, the white bitch could score with a boy her own size. If Dexter succeeded in this mission, he would no longer be a douche, and he and Alice would fall in love, be married, and live happily ever after. Driven with the fantasy about how sweet it was going to be to wear out that 3’9” 62 year old munchkin ass when he returned, Dexter set out to forever change the Land of Oz.

135. England Dan & John Ford Coley
"I'd Really Love to See You Tonight"  2:37
Nights are Forever
Dan: McCamey, TX (1948)-Nashville, TN (2009) JFC: Dallas, TX

Boq the munchkin wanted to inquire about the comments Glenda had made about him just being nothing more than a sympathy fuck. He went over to her house, but it wasn’t in his immediate plan to confront her. More than anything, he just wanted to see her again, and possibly have a chance to rekindle the spark that he had felt from their love affair. Boq stood outside her house, singing this song (some random munchkin popped up from behind the bushes and sang backup for the chorus), as he continuously peaked inside her windows watching her undress. Finally, he approached the door, knocked and went inside.

134. Bee Gees
"Love So Right"  3:38
Children of the World
Brisbane, Australia

Unfortunately, Boq did not get laid as he was hoping. He sat on her couch for several minutes just making small talk, conversing about the importance of Dexter’s mission, sucking up to her, giving her a sympathy agreement stating he too could not wait until a TJ Maxx was opened on the yellow brick road. Glenda certainly would look good in a set of elegant heels. After several attempts to flatter her, Boq placed his hand on Glenda’s thigh and attempted to kiss her. Tonight, however, Glenda was not drunk, and rejected Boq’s courtship. She even went to the extreme to throw him out of her house with force, flinging his little munchkin ass out into the front yard. During the violent altercation, Boq’s cap had fallen off of his head, and Glenda flung out into the yard at him.

133. Silver Convention
"Midnight Lady"  4:19
Madhouse
M√ľnchen, Germany

In just a short period, Dexter had returned. It was an odd scene going to Glenda’s and seeing Boq face down in the yard and Glenda tossing a cap out the door at him. If this was her definition of a sympathy fuck, which Dexter had assumed, he would hate to know what she considered forcible rape. Upon seeing Dexter, Glenda immediately grew excited and assumed the mission had been accomplished. However, Dexter had not even been gone a half hour. It turns out, Dexter had some questions. “Who is this wizard; and how to get to his palace? Shit,” Dexter told Glenda, “I have no idea where the fuck I even am. This place doesn’t even have a TJ Maxx, let alone a convenient store where I can stop and ask directions.”

132. Far East Family Band
"Kokoro"  9:11
Parallel World
Japan

Dexter had been walking in the wrong direction. Glenda, along with the other munchkins, guided Dexter through a portion of the community that seemed so surreal in comparison to the world in which Dexter had been ejected from, that Dexter assumed was still feeling the effects of that shit he smoked with the munchkins. The flowers were majestic, the architecture was astonishing, and all of the munchkins were now severely euphoric from the baggie of mysterious contents that was in Dexter’s apartment. Through the field, Dexter was led to a yellow brick road. “Just follow the yellow brick road,” they all told him repeatedly. Once again, Dexter embarked on his voyage, this time enjoying blissful sights in which he had never laid eyes upon; it was like the best acid trip he ever experienced. He also found out that some of the poppies growing wildly in the fields provided marvelous effects. Unlike that white bitch Dorothy, Dexter could handle it, and even embraced the feeling.

131. Parliament
"Everything Is On The One"  3:47
The Clones of Dr. Funkenstein
Detroit, MI

Whacked out on Munchkinland mushrooms and the poppies growing wild in the fields, Dexter was frolicking down the yellow brick road having the time of his life. The scenery in this strange land was absolutely exhilarating. Soon, he was no longer simply walking; he was dancing while doing somersaults and cartwheels down the yellow brick road. All of this was simply because he had never been to a place like this, and it was by far the most fascinating place he had ever visited (up to this point, the most fascinating had been Muncie, Indiana—so this isn’t saying much).

130. Seals & Crofts
"Get Closer"  3:58
Get Closer
Sidney, TX & Cisco, TX

However, he did not get very far before he was chased down by security and interrogated. “You know,” the security guard informed him, “last time one of y’all mother fuckers from wherever the fuck it is you people come from came through here, the bitch had a dog. I ain’t got no problem with dogs, nor white bitches, but last time I was off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz, I stepped in pile of fucking dog shit. That little fucking mutt shit all over the place, and that low down good for nothing white bitch didn’t clean any of it up. Then, the wizard didn’t honor any of my requests because I accidentally tracked dog shit all over the carpet at the Emerald Palace.”

129. The Salsoul Orchestra
"Nightcrawler"  3:39
Nice 'N' Naasty
New York, NY

Dexter assured security that he did not have a dog and was traveling alone. However, security informed Dexter that it was his own kind who created this mess in the first place, and offered Dexter some friendly advice. “You take this little magical shovel, this little plastic baggie, and you scoop all the dog shit that Toto left all over the place, and the wizard will see this as a good deed and honor your wishes. However, if you don’t clean up all the dog shit, the wizard gonna indict your monkey ass for 1st degree littering and you’ll spend a minimum of 90 days behind emerald bars.” Dexter agreed to see it through and vowed to clean up all of the shit off the road; it was an easy mission to win the love of Alice. Plus, the scenery here was so invigorating that he too did not wish to see it ruined with dog poop.

128. Gong
"Wingful of Eyes"  6:23
Shamal
Paris, France

After several minutes of discussing where to dispose of the dog shit, Dexter once again set forth down the yellow brick road. He walked what was the equivalent of five blocks through the forest when he heard a mysterious voice, “man, check this mother fucker out. This cat’s fucking stoned.” Dexter looked around to see where the voice was coming from, but there was nobody around. “Ay brother, you wanna get high? I mean real fucking high?” Dexter agreed, but continued to look around confused. “Yo, over here, it’s the trees. You mother fuckers act like you ain’t never heard a tree talk before. That last white bitch got all freaked out last time she walked through here, we didn’t give her shit. You look all right though, eat one of these apples, and you be high as fuck.” Dexter sat down, ate the apple, and sure enough, was high as fuck…floating in ecstasy.

127. Linda Ronstadt
"Hasten Down The Wind"  2:50
Hasten Down The Wind
Tucson, AZ

“Talk to us,” said the tree, “whatch you fixin’ to do? Off to see the wizard, that wonderful mother fucker of Oz?”

“I am going to see the wizard. I am on a very important mission from Glenda.”

“Glenda the white bitch of the North. What’s so fucking important about your mission?”

“I am going to see the wizard and request that a TJ Maxx be opened on the yellow brick road.”

“A TJ Maxx? What the hell for? Shoes?”

Dexter smiled, “yes, that is correct. Shoes.”

The entire forest erupted with laughter. “Man, I tell ya: white bitches and their shoes!”


126. The Residents
"Hitler Was A Vegetarian"  18:26
The Third Reich 'n' Roll
Shreveport, LA

“Dig this, did you know them two hoes been feuding forever over mother fucking shoes?” asked the tree.

“I heard about that.”

“Did she tell you she filmed a porno movie for a charity event?”

“She did. How was it? Fucking hot I bet huh?”

“That depends on what you’re into. We’re trees all up in this mother fucker, some white bitch getting gang banged by a bunch of small pricked munchkins doesn’t exactly get our branches swaying. But, do you know what the whole charity event was?”

“No, she didn’t say.”

“It was to raise money, to get this, open up a shoe store. For a minute there, Glenda and Elphaba were somewhat getting along. Elphaba had been exiled and it was Glenda who helped get her somewhat welcomed back into society, as good as she could get I guess.

Anyhow, they opened up this shoe store, right, and it had the best selection you could imagine. And those ugly ass slippers them bitches had been fighting over, and they are some ugly ass fucking shoes…”

The whole forest agreed, and chimed in “that’s right,” all at once.

“It was a shoe lover’s dream. But then, …ok, you see, there’s two other crackers you need to know about. The first one being Sir Lunchkit. Lunchkit’s this rich white dude who owns practically everything in the Emerald City. Lunchkit ends up buying the whole shoe store, and next thing you know, the prices are jacked up so high that nobody can even afford to buy them without suffering a major setback.

Elphaba didn’t find any justice in that. You see, Elphaba is one of these left-wing bitches, down with the rich! and all that shit. Glenda had been saving up her money to get her a pair of these slippers that suddenly cost $299. And Glenda, she’s one of those girly-girl types who’s always gotta look good, always gotta be dressed in the latest fashions; which Elphaba is not… she’s one of those liberal minded brainy types. Feminist, so to say.

Declaring Lunchkit’s store a means of capitalist greed, Elphaba put a spell on Lunchkit, and turned his cracker ass into the exact same paper that currency is made from. And, she closed the store.

Being made from paper currency obviously must suck ass. Elphaba also created a wind storm, and Lunchkit was basically left blowing aimlessly down the yellow brick road. Mother fucker even got stuck in one of my branches for a few hours.

Glenda finally found him, and transformed him back into his regular state. But, the store had been shut down, and Lunchkit was scared shitless of Elphaba that he refused to open the store back up. That meant Glenda was not able to get a pair of those slippers, even after all the munchkin cock she had to suck to get the store opened in the first place.

As a protest against capitalist greed, Elphaba refused to open another store.

The other one you need to know is Zinquist, Emerald City’s version of Senator McCarthy. For obvious reasons, Elphaba was deemed a Communist, and under constant scrutiny from the police and other sections of the government. Glenda turned Elphaba in to the authorities, and stole the slippers while she was being interrogated by the feds.

There’s not a fat greedy white man on Earth can match wits with an intellectual green woman with ultimate magic powers. The entire regime was temporarily dismantled and Elphaba was once again freed, and this time with an array of supporters. Some people now actually want Elphaba to run for governor. However, Glenda still has her sister’s slippers.”

“Sounds like a lot of drama to me.”

“But,” a tree from back in the forest added, “isn’t TJ Maxx cheap? Plus, it is Glenda who assigned the mission. Maybe, just maybe, the goal is to get a shoe store opened, one that doesn’t charge outrageous prices, and then Glenda will return the slippers.”

“I think you have it right,” agreed the main tree. “So here’s the deal little brother, more than likely, you and Elphaba is going to be on the same side. But, she ain’t gonna be cool to you just yet. That last bitch from Kansas killed her sister and even tried to kill Elphaba, so there’s probably a good chance she doesn’t trust you right away. But, if you can talk to her, let her know what exactly you are hoping to do, and she will probably work with you rather than against you.

On the other hand, talking to her might prove difficult because Lunchkit and Zinquist are going to try to put a stop to it, and possibly even put you in prison based on politics. You just stay cool, stay high, keep clear, and all will be well. Don’t tell nobody shit. Work with Elphaba, beware them other two crackers, and as for the wizard, well, he ain’t shit. But, good luck. And, may the force be with you.”

One of the trees from the back shouted out, “nigger please! This ain’t Star Wars!” The head tree laughed, and then the whole forest laughed merrily. Dexter laughed too, even though he didn’t get the joke.





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