Chapter 1: The Beautiful Landscaping Stone From Outer Space
Chapter 2: The Slight Spread of a Small Growth
Chapter 3: The Miracle We All Feared
Chapter 4: Extraordinary Benefits vs. The Carpet
Chapter 5: The Age of Miracles
Chapter 6: 25 Song Music Montage: The Spread Continues
Chapter 7: The Shingles Clean-up Committee
Chapter 8: FS=N
Chapter IV: Extraordinary Benefits vs. The Carpet
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
125. A.C. Newman
"Most Of Us Prizefighters" 2:31
The Slow Wonder
Vancouver, BC, Canada
Even as the small patches of shingles spread sporadically across the globe, most people remained unafraid of them. They were considered an irritating annoyance, but offered no reason to be intensely terrified; although some white girls in the community were downright petrified of them. People attempted to avoid them, obviously, but they still went about their ordinary lives. Grown men were exemplified to never be afraid of them, similar to insects.
124. Panda Bear
"Untitled 05" 3:01
An intriguing discovery was made at Martin’s house—when he went to the restroom, he spotted a patch of shingles in his toilet. Even after he flushed the toilet, they remained attached to the porcelain. He eventually had to brush them out with a toilet cleaner and then flush them down the drain. Prior to this, he had only seen a couple patches in passing, and they were not anywhere else in his home. Martin had never touched a shingle in his entire life. In terms of cleanliness, on a scale of 1 to 10, Martin’s toilet was rated a 5.
123. The Sadies
"Translucent Sparrow" 2:59
Toronto, ON, Canada
A group of kids were skipping school and hanging out in the in sewer—it’s a popular hangout these days. “Look over there,” the fat one in the front center exclaimed pointing his finger excitedly, “it’s a rat!” His tail was the only visible feature that could be seen; the rest of his body was completely covered with shingles. His tail was still moving and it was obvious that he was still alive. However, he could not move, and could only wag his tail. The tail moved swiftly too, as if in a state of panic trying to knock the shingles off of his body. Somehow, the little guy’s face and eyes had become completely covered.
Los Angeles, CA
Due to the fact that he was a rat, and people have been conditioned to believe that rats are evil and poisonous, the sewage department employees did nothing to rescue the rat, primarily because they did not wish to touch him. They did, however, capture the shingles covered rodent (while wearing hazardous prevention rubber gloves) and place him in a box. People were too afraid to remove the shingles, and feared that a live rat may attack once it was free. One guy felt it was necessary to put the rat out of his misery and beat it forcefully with a hammer.
Another survey indicated that 97% of voters would rather be covered with shingles than with rats; when presented with the scenario that the shingles were impregnating their victims and an alien would burst out of the chest similar to the scene in the movie Alien and it had been scientifically proven that Mr. Rat from The Wind in the Willows was an accurate portrayal of ALL rats, 92% still indicated they would rather be covered with shingles than rats.
"Freedom Park" 4:35
20,000 Streets Under the Sky
Upon getting beat with a hammer, the tail stopped wagging, but it too became completely covered with shingles. As it stood, this rat became the first known living creature to become totally covered with shingles while still alive. Furthermore, he was one of the first non-human animals to be discovered with shingles attached to the fur. What people did not know: massive amounts of wildlife had become attached with shingles. Numerous insects were living underneath patches of shingles; the shingles were not always attached to the ground, but to an ant that happened to walking in the area where one sprouted. Other animals were able to scratch them away with their hind claws in the same fashion they scratch fleas.
120. Hot Snakes
"This Mystic Decade" 3:06
Audit in Progress
San Diego, CA
In a public demonstration, a man walked out onto a stage with his hand completely covered in shingles. He held out his hand and raised it into the air for the entire crowd to see. Once he had everybody’s full attention, he lit a blowtorch and held his shingle covered hand directly under the flame. This spectacle alone caused most spectators to flinch and most people thought the man was mentally insane. Then, he drew sharp blunt pointed object from his pocket, a razor sharp ice picker, and stabbed it completely through his hand…even stuck it to a sheet of wood. Afterwards, he withdrew the sharp ice picker and appeared completely free of pain. He slowly detached all of the shingles, plucking them one by one and then tossing them off the stage, and revealed that his hand was perfectly unblemished.
119. Guitar Wolf
"Violent Letter" 2:22
The sewer rat was believed to be dead from the beating he received from the man with the hammer. However, one of the foremen decided to take him to a lab thinking he may be of some use to the Shingles Clinical Studies Program. As the lab tech gradually removed the shingles, the startled rat became hysterical; when surveyed, 96% of rats responded that they would rather live in the sewer than in the physical presence of dirty plague-infested humans. Unfortunately, man and rat are unable to effectively communicate, and the rat assumed he was under attack. The moment he had been freed from the shingles, the rat attempted to infiltrate the lab techs. The scientists had to tranquilize him, and once the sedation took effect, the rat dozed off mumbling some song about boating.
118. Special Patrol
"Paint Your Name" 4:09
The Golden Mean
Paul insisted that Becky go camping with him; he claimed it would be relaxing, but he mainly just wanted to fuck her. When they awoke in the tent, the beautiful Becky had contracted a small patch of shingles on her lovely ankles. She was the type of girl who valued the beauty of her appearance, and claimed Paul ruined her for life for making her go camping with him. Patches of shingles would constantly appear on her long lovely legs and she went into a state of depression. Paul blamed himself for this debacle, understood the pain and anguish she must have felt, and delved into depression himself as he contemplated ways to make her feel better.
117. The Casual Dots
The Casual Dots
People who acquired shingles had no choice but to become acclimated with them returning to the portion of the body in which they had originally attached. On the bright side, they had become increasingly more prevalent in society, as it was not uncommon to see a person in line at the grocery store with a small patch of shingles on his/her hands or legs. Furthermore, some people viewed them positively because they knew that as long as the shingles were attached that they were protected from all harmful ailments in nature throughout the duration they were connected to the skin. During instances in which danger may be present, most people allowed their shingles to remain attached; a great way to prevent mosquito bites, burns, cancer, and shingles the medical condition (not to be mistaken with shingles the growth coverage from outer space that cures shingles the disease).
116. Madeleine Peyroux
"J'ai Deux Amours" 2:53
In a fancy café in downtown Paris, the patrons wore elegant suits and drank expensive bottles of wine. The performer on the stage had a beautiful voice and dressed in exquisite clothing. Her luscious painted toes were augmented in her sparkling high heels and nobody even noticed the small patch of shingles on her foot. In fact, there were 73 people seated at tables, and 14 employees in the restaurant; 12 of the patrons and three of the employees had a patch of shingles on them. Most people merely concealed the patch of shingles with their socks, a satin glove, or a pair of sleek looking boots. 97% of all people who had contracted shingles, the patches were extremely small and only appeared near the hands and feet. 43% of the cases had only one shingle. 0% had reported multiple patches.
115. Preston School of Industry
"Her Estuary Twang" 3:23
Stockton, CA/Seattle, WA
Unfortunately, shingles did not seem to follow any particular pattern with their formation. They seemed to show up anywhere and there was no way of knowing whether or not any place was at risk of developing shingles, or how great that risk actually was. There were no indicators where they could strike next, such as, to prevent contracting shingles, try___________. Or, if you do this____________, you are high risk of contracting shingles. Nobody could fill in the blanks as they would appear or not appear without any rhyme or reason.
"Tow Truck" 4:01
As usual, shingles became the #1 hype in the media. Unqualified people would hold press conferences on television to share their shitty opinion about how shingles should be handled. The news discussed the incident constantly, and before too long, people were sick and tired of hearing about it. Just as they had with so many other issues ranging from shark attacks to SARS, the media had created hysteria with the spread of shingles. They developed catch phrases, spread rumors, instilled fear, and claimed they were looking out to keep your children safe. Any new developments will be heard here first… but first, a word from our sponsor.
"Xian Undertaker" 6:17
It'll Be Cool
The congregation assembled and asked Jesus to come down and save the world from this lingering shingles epidemic. But, many thought the shingles came from God, and this was the miracle that he had sent because the shingles kept people from harm. The only way to reach salvation was to become completely covered in shingles; this was the hand of God applying the shingles as a means of saving the true Christians from the rapture. People then prayed to become covered in shingles, and the religious nuts refused to scrape the shingles off their bodies. The statue of Jesus developed a large patch of shingles that covered half of the face; this was a macabre sight that had a chilling effect.
The major dilemma that plagued society was the fact that shingles had numerous useful benefits. In a recent survey, only 17% claimed that they wanted shingles to be eliminated entirely. With that sort of popular opinion, few attempts were made in the early stages of shingles to completely destroy the growth. On the other hand, there was a fair share of attempts to preserve the shingles. Many people did not remove them right away from their skin, their homes, their gardens, or, even their children.
"She Knew Her She Knew Me" 1:18
Bangers vs. Fuckers
San Francisco, CA
Of those in the 17% who wanted shingles to vanish completely, some downright despised them. People would throw violent fits upon spotting shingles in their home or on their skin. These people were prone to stomp them, kick them, scatter them with force, or take excessive means to destroy them. Some people would attempt to light an entire patch of them on fire or crush them with the heaviest objects they could slam on top of them. It was even more infuriating when all of these methods resulted in failure.
110. The Ponys
"I'll Make You a Star" 5:44
Laced With Romance
Morgan Phillips met Phillip Morgan at an indie show in Portland. As it turned out, both of them not only had similar sounding names, but had a patch of shingles in the exact same spot that was the exact same size. They viewed this as a sign of fate as they laughed all night about how they matching patches. The two also had numerous other characteristics in common, including taste in movies, literature, and these two fucking assholes actually put sauerkraut on their pizza…both of them. If there was any indication whatsoever that shingles were a miracle from God, it was the fact that these two finally got together; thus, nobody else had to put up with their sickening gross ass sauerkraut on pizza bullshit.
109. Ann McCue
"Milkman's Daughter" 5:20
Campbelltown, AU/Nashville, TN
There was only one report of a home with multiple patches, and that was in the case of the fat blubbering piece of shit who had presumably died after snacking on one. This derelict had been collecting them and it became widely accepted that after consumption, the shingles spread into his entire body (no person had eaten one since—not even in downtown Milwaukee where there are some really stupid mother fuckers running around.) Every other home that had reported shingles contained only one singular isolated patch. However, in recent weeks, the sizes of the shingles patch were growing larger in many cases; several homes had upwards in the two square feet range in the corner of the ceiling.
108. The Bloodthirsty Lovers
"Now You Know" 5:37
The world finally had cause for alarm. A significant portion of the homes in the world had been infested with shingles, albeit a minor case. It was time for the world to get their shit together and finally do something to stop this from becoming an epidemic. Even though the shingles had spread to where the majority of people had at least spotted them, there was no resolution in sight to stop the widespread infestation. Groups of activists had officially decided the people in the community needed to do their part in order to control a potential hazard. The “what if it never stops” notion became embedded in the minds of those motivated by fear.
107. Mark Lanegan Band
"Methamphetamine Blues" 3:17
However, the vast majority continued their daily routine as usual, perhaps because they had no choice…bills needed paid and they could not miss work on the account of a few plantlike substances sprouting here and there. The annoyance was something that was merely dealt with as needed. Buildings continued to be erected while people operated a jackhammer in the middle of the freeway. As the concrete was being demolished, patches of shingles being destroyed (then returning), and the manufacturing factories operating at full speed, most assured they would figure out something soon enough.
Colour The Small One
Adelaide, Australia/London, England
The dependency on “they” has always been a questionable attribute. Most people have no clue who is working with “they” or even as “they”, but have full faith that “they” can save them from anything. “They’ll think of something.” Who are they? “They got doctors, scientists, somebody will figure out something. They always have, and they always will. They just have a way to figure out everything—even the weather; they said it was supposed to snow. They can cure diseases, they will find a cure for cancer, a cure for AIDS, they will someday stop war, and soon, they will not only control the spread of shingles, but figure out a way to use them for the good uses those things have.”
105. David Byrne
New York, NY
While the initial stone that dropped from the sky remained unfound, scientists did ponder exactly where it came from in the first place. Looking up at the stars, and gazing through a telescope, the possibilities were endless. In this galaxy alone there were numerous choices as the probe orbited Mars, the moons orbited Jupiter, solar flares flew from the sun, and countless other unknown particles drifted uncontrollably through space. Nobody even knows what is happening in Andromeda, the next galaxy over…but the photographs insinuate that it is a festive place.
104. Juana Molina
"Sálvese Quién Pueda" 5:58
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Due to the fact that the shingles had spread throughout the entire region and was not quarantined to any one particular remote area, theories were developed that perhaps more than one of these stones had landed in the Earth’s atmosphere. Just how many of them that had landed was totally unknown and was anybody’s guess. Furthermore, researchers wondered if more of them were to be coming, when, and how often they would drop. Most wanted at least one more to drop in order to not only witness the phenomenon, but to also be able to study it and develop more precise determinations. A series of heavy duty telescopes and tracking devices had been placed on strict 24/7 monitoring.
Lay of the Land
Many people assumed that the shingles would simply die off once winter arrived. However, that notion was laid to rest when a group of researchers discovered a patch of shingles attached to an iceberg in Antarctica. The sight of this patch was dreadful. Not only are there raising concerns for the climatology conditions in Antarctica due to possible effects of global warming, but there are periods in Antarctica where it is totally silent. The patch of shingles happened to be discovered during a completely silent period and the silence alone was eerie enough.
"Byss & Abyss" 6:04
Not every single region of the Earth is inhabited at all times, and there are numerous places in which humans have not set foot in ages. A few of these areas had been greatly affected. There is a house in Cincinnati, Ohio just off Columbia Parkway that had never been completed and never claimed one resident. The house, however, can lay claim to a seven square foot patch of shingles in what would be the dining room. In an office park in Bullhead City, Arizona, one of those sketchy places that sell mystical vacuum cleaners and hire anybody in the General Help Wanted ads in the newspaper had finally gone out of business…nine years ago. There is still a “for lease” sign in the window, and nobody has shown any interest in it whatsoever in years. It would be difficult to lease now because the entire back wall is covered in shingles. On Narvassa Island, almost directly in the center, is the exact location of the two closest large patches of shingles in open space. One patch is nearly 50 square feet and the other is about 30 square feet; they are 17 inches apart from each other. Should they expand to touch, it would be the 2nd largest patch of shingles in the world.
"Dominoes-Celebration for the Gray Days" 6:44
Once upon a time, the river was polluted. Despite the fact that it was so polluted, fishermen would continue to get drunk and fish there anyway; they always caught fish although they were possible mutations. The fish population in this river had been decreasing significantly over the years as the water became more and more polluted. Most thought it diminished entirely when not one single person reeled in a mutated fish for over a week.
This river was so polluted, that there was a green film that was easily visible across the top layer. The water looked dirty brown and could almost be mistaken for diarrhea. People estimated that there were probably close to 30,000 bodies that had disappeared in this river, mostly drunks, dead hookers, and other various murders that people had committed (this was an urban legend; the actual was figure was only in the range of 12-15 with about 50 or so that had already decomposed or been eaten by the mutations scientifically referred to as catfish). On average, a dare would have to consist of $2,000 in order for a drunken hillbilly to take a drink of water from this river.
Although the chemical company continued to contaminate the river on a daily basis, it suddenly did not seem to appear as polluted. Then, one bright sunny day, it appeared so beautiful that pedestrians could look into the crystal clear water and see the bottom with ease. Even though there were no fish swimming in it, the water actually looked pure and contaminant free. A test was conducted, and it was mysteriously rated better quality drinking water than all brands of bottled water on the market.
As this remarkable spectacle became sort of a tourist attraction among the residents of the community, one of the citizens with a keen eye noticed that the bank of the river where the water crested temporarily and the exposed land was completely covered with shingles. Then, they noticed that the entire bottom of the river where they could see was covered as well. A diving expedition was conducted, and that was the #1 largest coverage of shingles. They travelled by boat, and with divers surveying the bottom of the river, for hundreds of miles that crossed three states, the entire river was completely covered with shingles; as was all the plant life, marine life, dead hookers, and all of the fish that once resided in these waters.
Top image: http://blog.arlomidgett.com/wp-content/zam-burrs.jpg