2012/01/18

The Top 125 Songs of 1976

The Top 150 Songs of 1976 + The Wicked Wizard of Oz
Part 1 of 6: Dexter the Good Douche Can Save Oz (Tracks 150-126)
Part 2 of 6: Fuck Yea! Dorothy's Back (Tracks 125-101)
Part 3 of 6: The Yellow Brick Path to Love (Tracks 100-76)
Part 4 of 6: Wild Nights in The Land of Oz (Tracks 75-51)
Part 5 of 6: The Oz Revolution (Tracks 50-26)
Part 6 of 6: Presenting...The World's First Ever Left Wing Society (25-#1)

Part II: Fuck Yea! Dorothy's Back


Press play on the image below to listen to all of the songs while you read.



125. Robin Trower
"Long Misty Days"  5:43
Long Misty Days
London, England

Elphaba gazed out her window, monitoring the new white guy who had sent on the mission; that long walk down the yellow brick road. “Who the fuck is this douche?” she wondered. It bothered her that anytime some douche was launched here from the outside world, Kansas, or wherever the fuck it was this douchy cracker came from, landed in the direct vicinity of Munchkinland and that bitch Glenda. Just one time, it would be nice to experience just one of these douchy pricks encounter her first, and hear her side of the story firsthand, not just hearsay gossip provided by that ho and her munchkin lust. What could this miserable prick possibly be up to? And, what has he heard about Elphaba, the supposed Wicked Witch of the West? She would have to develop a strategy to find out his mission, and possibly this time collaborate and bring some good with the whole situation.
124. Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band
"Mainstreet"  3:41
Night Moves
Detroit, MI

Dexter walked the yellow brick road wondering if a TJ Maxx would even be appropriate here. Perhaps this was Main Street in the Land of Oz, and maybe it needed something other than a TJ Maxx; crack dealers and hookers were a major possibility. But, there were two even better considerations he could conjure for the development of the yellow brick road: maybe bright lights with a casino, or simply let it be as is. As it stood now, at least this portion, the yellow brick road seemed tranquil, and a nice scenic route. He thought they should keep the yellow brick road intact, and then open the TJ Maxx on a new Main Street; some place in the vicinity of major intersections within the Emerald City.
123. Guru Guru
"Banana Flip"  6:17
Tango Fango
Germany

“Look at that shit,” Dexter thought to himself. “What a douchy looking scarecrow.”

“Who are you calling a douche?” the scarecrow said out loud.

“Holy shit!” Dexter was taken aback. One, he was shocked that a scarecrow could speak and had life; and two; this mother fucker could read his thoughts.

The scarecrow jumped off his perch and approached Dexter. “Yea, that’s right, I can speak, and I can read minds. I am, by far, the smartest scarecrow you have ever met.”

“How is this possible?”

The scarecrow leaned his head down in front of Dexter and commanded him to knock on the top of his head. Dexter knocked, and it obviously wasn’t hollow. “Yea,” the scarecrow felt he had proved a point, “that’s brains—nigga!”


122. Harry Nilsson
"I Need You"  3:17
That's The Way It Is
New York, NY (1941)-Agoura Hills, CA (1994)

The scarecrow explained how he became so intelligent because he had visited the Wizard of Oz and received an education. Since his visit with the Wizard, the scarecrow had become a fountain of knowledge and was capable of performing large algebraic equations and developing aero dynamical technology. However, he was miserable. Because he knew everything, he discovered that he was once Fiyero and was once adored by both Glenda and Elphaba. The fact that Fiyero is still alive and in the loving arms of Elphaba does not bother him; it’s knowing that being as he is somewhat of a clone, he could at least have had Glenda. But, there is one major problem: sure he has brains now, but his pants are stuffed with nothing but straw. And being as Glenda is somewhat of a nymphomaniac, she doesn’t want anything to do with a dickless scarecrow. Now, all he really needs is the love of one of those two women, and it doesn’t matter witch. (witch, instead of which—get it?)

121. Alice Cooper
"Go To Hell"  5:16
Goes To Hell
Detroit, MI

If The Scarecrow’s dramatic melancholy about lost love and yearning didn’t seem sorrowful enough, something approached in the horizon and the sorrow subsided to anger. “Great,” said the scarecrow, “here comes this piece of shit.” The scarecrow rolled his eyes and shook his head as the ultra expensive limousine cruised down the yellow brick road approaching them. As the car slowly came towards them, the rabbits and other animals did a dance routine and sang about how this person was such a prick. They even did this as he got out of the vehicle. Raccoons jumped on top of the vehicle, and as they sang the line, “You can go to Hell!” they flipped the middle finger of their claws directly in his face.

120. Vyto B
"Tricentennial 2076"  3:38
Tricentennial 2076
Chicago, IL

Lunchkit emerged from the limousine and approached Dexter and The Scarecrow. Despite being obviously loathed by all of those around him, Lunchkit walked with a swagger, and even did a dance routine with limo driver; it was difficult to determine which one was douchier. Lunchkit was fat, bald, and had no moves whatsoever, but he dressed as if he was slender and the hottest guy on the planet. He proudly introduced himself as “Lunchkit, the richest man in Emerald City.” The Scarecrow refused to even talk to him and turned his back when Lunchkit extended his hand. Dexter remembered the name…this was that fat rich cracker the trees had told him about.

119. Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
"Breakdown"  2:42
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Gainesville, FL

He summoned Dexter over to look at something on his vehicle. “You see that,” he said pointing to all the brown splatters all over his sunroof and back windshield, “that’s monkey shit. These God damn flying monkeys fly over and shit all over my $250,000 car. Yes, that’s right, I paid $250,000 for this car, and my limo driver can’t drive worth a shit. He’s such a bad driver, that he isn’t even required to parallel park—we just block a lane with the emergency lights flashing. I’m so rich, the cops don’t dare fuck with me either, they don’t say shit, as I block the whole road for no reason at all. And while I have an entire lane blocked, if somebody hits this precious ride, they will be in debt for life- because functioning tires are only reserved for special people! What’s that? Scarecrow? You jealous? Yea, I’m ugly, I have no personality, I’m stupid, I’m lazy, and I have a small cock. If you were as smart as them brains indicate, you would come work for me, and you could still get all the babes despite having hay for a penis. Now, this is what I want you to do: go inside Elphaba’s house, and get me the name brand of those slippers. And, let me know what basketball players from your world endorse those slippers.”

118. Brick
"Dazz"  5:41
Good High
Atlanta, GA

Just then, another vehicle emerged on the yellow brick road and slowly cruised into the picture. It was a pimped out yellow wagon with all of the windows darkly tinted. The back window rolled down revealing Cutty sitting in the backseat, a deep voiced black man wearing a pink suit. “You still talking bullshit about those slippers,” he said coolly. Cutty got out of the car and his entourage also emerged from all four doors. He made certain that Lunchkit saw the shoes he was wearing, pink pimp shoes from the mall. Every member of his entourage wore similar styles as they all circled around Lunchkit showing off their elegant style and dance moves. Cutty had the ability to transform shoes into different styles with a magic stroke of his cane. The entourage surrounded Lunchkit, “so what’s this shit? You think basketball players from wherever the fuck it is this white boy comes from wears Ruby Slippers? You mean these slippers?” With his cane, he transformed Lunchkit’s elegant dress shoes into a pair of shiny silver slippers similar to those worn by Dorothy. Every member of the entourage laughed at once, got back in the car, and left.

117. ABBA
"Dancing Queen"  3:51
Arrival
Stockholm, Sweden

Although they were slightly uncomfortable, and even though they were not ruby, Lunchkit was excited to finally be able to wear a pair of the infamous slippers. The shoes immediately made Lunchkit want to dance, and dance he did as the bunny rabbits and munchkins played a song specifically for him to dance to, a song that reminded all of them the way he could now dance with his limo driver… ABBA’s classic hit, Dancing Queen. As the song played, and Lunchkit danced up and down the yellow brick road, a bunch of random people, rabbits, and munchkins showed up from out of nowhere and lined the streets throughout Lunchkit’s lovely dance routine with his limo driver. Lunchkit even shook his breast at the limo driver, who spun around and rubbed his backside against Lunchkit’s front side…and Lunchkit wrapped his arm around the limo driver’s waist and pulled him in closer.

116. Climax Blues Band
"Couldn't Get It Right"  3:19
Gold Plated
Stafford, England

Now, if only he could make them ruby, all would be perfect. Maybe, the wizard could make them ruby. That was the best idea Lunchkit could think of, join Dexter and the scarecrow down the yellow brick road and possibly pay the wizard to make the slippers ruby. However, he was not welcomed by the group, and he could barely walk in these heels. He tried to dance in them, but the others soon found him annoying. Furthermore, both Dexter and scarecrow grew concerned what would happen if Elphaba spotted them now walking with Lunchkit. After not even a block though, Lunchkit had to sit down and complained that his feet were hurting in the heels. His limo pulled up, and Lunchkit got in the back of the limo. He offered Dexter and Scarecrow a ride, but they politely rejected. Lunchkit vowed to return.

115. Natalie Cole
"Heaven Is With You"  4:07
Natalie
Los Angeles, CA

All of the random people who had participated in Lunchkit’s douchy rendition of Dancing Queen mysteriously disappeared except for one, a girl named Drunken Daisy. As it turned out, Drunken Daisy also wished to see the wizard for she too was struggling with personal issues, love issues at that. Back in 6th grade, she developed a crush on this boy named Poignant Pete. However, Poignant Pete wanted nothing to do with Drunken Daisy. As a result, Drunken Daisy temporarily dated some other guy just to make Poignant Pete jealous. That didn’t work, so she dated another guy, and then another, and then another. By now, she had slept with every single person in the Land of Oz except Poignant Pete, who now wants nothing to do with her because he feels she is a douchy slut. Heartbroken and ashamed, Drunken Daisy wants to erase her past history, and obtain a pair of ruby slippers in order to win the love of her dream boy: Poignant Pete.

114. Graham Parker
"White Honey"  3:36
Howlin' Wind
London, England

First, the scarecrow and Drunken Daisy went into elaborate details suggesting the Emerald City was a piece of paradise. Then, they got the bright idea to ask what his purpose was in the Emerald City. And sure enough, the moment they asked that question a strange look overtook the face of Dexter, music played, rabbits chimed in with horns, and Dexter began singing a song dedicated to his new munchkin love. Throughout the song, as colorful images of that munchkin Alice flashed through the sky, it became obvious that Dexter had other interests rather than seeing the beautiful sights within The Emerald City.

113. Hawkwind
"Back On The Street"  3:00
Astounding Sounds, Amazing Music
London, England

Like the rest of these douches, this asshole Dexter was seeking a love affair out of his league as well. Douchy Dexter, Drunken Daisy, and this Dickless Scarecrow all joined elbows and frolicked merrily down the yellow brick road. Along the way, they sang, danced, smiled, and looked so cheesy and cheerful that the average person hoped the three of them would be mowed down by an oncoming truck. Their mission was essential though, it would bring Peace on Oz. The trees knew this, and they too joined in happily with the song and jolly smiles.

112. Ted Nugent
"Free-For-All"  3:22
Free-For-All
Detroit, MI

Poignant Pete was an even bigger douche than Dexter. He had been feeling depressed because he was the only person in the Land of Oz who had never slept with Drunken Daisy. In fact, he had never slept with anything human. His only sexual experience was this time he had anal intercourse with a rusted tin man who at the time was immobile and inanimate. But now, upon having heard about the comments from Drunken Daisy (a munchkin who participated in the song raced over to the fast food restaurant in which he was barely employed), he had a new feeling of confidence. In fact, he did not even care if Drunken Daisy reached the wizard and had her past history erased. To him, she was always beautiful. His song and dance routine was an upbeat rocking number, as he vowed to win the love of Drunken Daisy before she even reached the wizard.

111. Boz Scaggs
"Lido Shuffle"  3:44
Silk Degrees
Canton, OH/San Francisco, CA

Not far behind Douchy Dexter, Drunken Daisy, and the Dickless Scarecrow, another group had emerged and was following on the mission. This group was led by Poignant Pete as he was accompanied by Yule, a member of Cutty’s entourage giving him advice on how to cease to be such a douche and possibly become a playa… because with Drunken Daisy’s experience, she would have no use for anybody who suffers from premature ejaculation. Poignant Pete’s clothes were transformed into something more stylish: a leisure suit, shiny shoes, and a pimp hat. Poignant Pete was gradually becoming Pimpin’ Pete.

110. Warren Zevon
"The French Inhaler"  3:49
Warren Zevon
Chicago, IL (1947)-Los Angeles, CA (2003)

The Dickless Scarecrow was a genius. He was extremely book smart and possessed far more intelligence than the alleged wizard. However, being too smart can sometimes lead to a certain degree of despair. The wizard, Lunchkit, the feud between Glenda & Elphaba seemed ludicrous to him. Furthermore, having telepathic ability was as much of a curse as it was a blessing. Sometimes, what people think to themselves are best left unheard. He had heard numerous insults. Also, he had witnessed firsthand the sort of stupidity that goes through people’s minds. Even though he was the brains behind the operation, and eagerly gave great advice, he wished he was not telepathic, and more often than not, completely tuned it out. It would be better if everybody else wasn’t such a douche. There were also some legal ramifications and ethics involved, so The Scarecrow developed the ability to ignore other people’s thought processes.

109. Eloy
"The Sun Song"  4:55
Dawn
Hannover, Germany

One of his claims to fame was a cleaning product that The Dickless Scarecrow had invented. This product not only cleaned any surface in which it was sprayed, but it also cleaned the towel that was used to wipe up the surface. Furthermore, it also cleaned the hands that held the towel; it could clean anything. But like all geniuses, The Dickless Scarecrow was prone to do stupid things. After extensive research, he developed an amazing hair growth product that would provide a beautiful head of hair to any person no matter how long they had been bald. But, he made a terrible decision with this product—he used it on himself. It is bad enough that The Dickless Scarecrow has a terrible sense of style anyway, and is perennially ranked in the Top 10 Worst Dressed Individuals in Oz; his hairdo makes it even worse.

108. Thelma Houston
"Don't Leave Me This Way"  3:41
Any Way You Like It
Leland, MS/Los Angeles, CA

Truth be known, and what the original makers of The Wizard Oz didn’t want audiences to know, the entire fiasco was, in fact, a wet dream. Somewhere during the entire “there’s no place like home” spiel, Dorothy and The Scarecrow were making out pretty heavy in the palace of the wizard. Even though he did not have a cock, or a brain at that point in time, The Scarecrow had Dorothy’s dress pulled up and was in the process of pulling her panties down when she suddenly disappeared. This is how those ruby slippers came off her feet in the first place. Although The Scarecrow was majorly disappointed, it was Dorothy who was the most upset. Instead of receiving mind blowing oral sex from a scarecrow without a brain, she woke up with soaking wet panties surrounded by her old ass Auntie Em and the rest of those honkeys from the farm. Dorothy spent a good portion of her life studying meteorology while attempting to conjure up another tornado just to return to Oz so The Dickless Scarecrow could mow down on that muff.

107. Sweet
"Lost Angels"  4:04
Off The Record
Harefield, England

The Land of Oz has no sense of time and there is no set date in the Land of Oz. In fact, even though Dorothy hailed from the kingdom of Kansas circa 1939, it was actually but a few years ago in the land of Oz. Therefore, travelling to Oz is equivalent to travelling into the future. Douchy Dexter had never met Dorothy and comes from a time in the much distant future than Dorothy’s family of farmers. And now, some other person from Corpus Christi, Texas just landed in Munchkinland. This chick recently graduated college, class of 1976. There’s some serious shit going down in the Land of Oz now. That’s visitor #3 total, and the second this week.

106. Eagles
"Life In The Fast Lane"  4:47
Hotel California
Los Angeles, CA

When Christina woke up this morning, it was August 22th, 1976. That particular August 22nd, there was a major party in which she attended and things got out of hand fast. First, there was a violent dispute over a drug deal that had gone awry. A group of cocaine users attempted to encourage Christina to snort lines with them and participate in a gang bang. The altercation grew violent, for Christina, in general, does not take shit from anybody. A huge fight erupted, and then the house was raided by the police. In the midst of a shootout with the police, Christina fled the party with 12 pounds of various illicit drugs and a briefcase full of unmarked $100 bills. The owner of the merchandise put a hit out on her and the two were in hot pursuit in a high speed chase down the highway. Travelling at a speed of 125 mph, Christina went for broke: she cut the steering in an attempt to make a daredevil escape from her pursuers. Her vehicle spun wildly out of control, tumbling down a cliff, and surprisingly into the Land of Oz.

105. Shadowfax
"Song For My Brother"  9:41
Watercourse Way
Chicago, IL

It was the very first time the munchkins had ever seen a 1976 Dodge Dart. Furthermore, being as there was a briefcase filled with cash in the backseat, they assumed she was enormously wealthy and possibly sent here by the forces of Lunchkit. Unlike Dorothy and Douchy Dexter, Christina was not exactly welcomed by the munchkins or Glenda. She was in a daze after being in the accident, but the munchkins attacked her vehicle and held her prisoner. They tied her up and ransacked her vehicle.

104. Solid Ground
"Solid Ground"  6:51
Made In Rock
Stockholm, Sweden

Meanwhile, in 1943, Dorothy left home and travelled south to the state of Oklahoma where a low pressure system coupled with the prediction of a high scale tornado warning was in effect for the duration of the evening. The funnel cloud had formed and Dorothy stood there eagerly awaiting the tornado. There would be no dispute over ruby slippers this time, as Dorothy removed her shoes and elected to go barefooted hoping The Dickless Scarecrow still had a foot fetish. As the tornado neared, Dorothy closed her eyes and kept repeating, “There’s no place like Oz.” The wind blew her hair back, lifted her up off the ground, spun her around viciously, and before long, Dorothy once again landed in Oz.

103. The Upsetters
"Black Vest"  4:43
Super Ape
Kingston, Jamaica

The scene was a bit peculiar this time around. Last time she was the very first ever visitor to Oz and was met with fascination. This time, however, a 1976 Dodge Dart and Christina had just landed barely a half hour ago. When Dorothy arrived, Christina was tied up to a fence, and all of the munchkins were, to say the least, trashed from having ingested a large portion of the drugs from Christina’s briefcase. “Hey everybody,” said one munchkin in an obvious state of euphoria, “look, the white bitch is back.” The munchkin passed out face down in the grass and all the other munchkins laughed uncontrollably. Dorothy approached Christina and asked her if she were a good witch or a bad witch. “Bitch!” screamed Christina, “get me the fuck out of here.” Dorothy observed Christina tied up to the fence, and for whatever reason thought she looked extremely sexy. She resisted the temptation to engage in her first lesbian affair with this futuristic Goddess from 1976 and untied her.

102. Bill Conti
"Gonna Fly Now [Theme from Rocky]"  2:48
Rocky
Providence, RI

Unaware they were being followed by who is now known as Pimpin’ Pete and his posse of hip dudes, and two other visitors from the strange world, one of them now being that white bitch whose dog was responsible was for the periodic piles of dog shit Douchy Dexter had to stop and clean up, the three heroes, Douchy Dexter, Drunken Daisy, and The Dickless Scarecrow marched down the yellow brick road with tenacity. There was nothing that could stop these three for the accomplishing their mission meant true love and peace on Oz. For a 2:48 phase, their walk became a swift jog, as they threw punches while jogging, stopped to do push-ups, jump rope, and various other exercises. Douchy Dexter even dashed through a meadow, and dropkicked a rusted tin man and put a dent in his abdomen, sending him rolling and clanking noisily down the yellow brick road; he was left lying on his back in the middle of the yellow brick road.

101. Galaxy
"Day Without the Sun"  14:06
Day Without the Sun
Jacksonville, FL

Even though her mission was to engage in sexual activity with a scarecrow, Dorothy had the good girl image of 1943 in comparison to Christina’s slutty bad girl appeal from 1976. Dorothy had never seen anything like Christina and never would have guess that she nor the Dodge Dart came from the same land as she did. In Dorothy’s world, as of 1943, the world was at war, the Dodge Dart had not yet been invented, cocaine was merely something in soft drinks, the rest of these drugs were unheard of, and Christina’s home, San Francisco, had not yet achieved the cultural status involving drugs, music, and homosexuality that it currently enjoys today. Dorothy assumed she may be from Oz, but did not remember seeing anyone like her on the last visit.

Christina was positive Dorothy was from Oz, for, she was a white bitch similar to Glenda. She had, at least, seen people who had looked like Dorothy, but only in old ass movies starring people such as Groucho Marx. However, there was some appeal as Christina did have a thing for all objects considered “retro.”

After she was finally free of the restraints, Christina attempted to start up the Dodge Dart, but to no avail. Dorothy explained to her that she had been here before and there was a possibility that somebody might be able to help her, the Wizard of Oz maybe. They observed the scene and the munchkins were all pretty much passed out or behaving strangely from being so stoned. Christina grabbed her briefcase and followed Dorothy down the yellow brick road.

“I guess we have a lot to talk about.”


Cover photo by http://livingbehindthegates.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/gates-of-emerald-city.jpg
Bottom Image by: The Wave Files

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