Chapter 1: The Beautiful Landscaping Stone From Outer Space
Chapter 2: The Slight Spread of a Small Growth
Chapter 3: The Miracle We All Feared
Chapter 4: Extraordinary Benefits vs. The Carpet
Chapter 5: The Age of Miracles
Chapter 6: 25 Song Music Montage: The Spread Continues
Chapter 7: The Shingles Clean-up Committee
Chapter 8: FS=N
Chapter V: The Age of Miracles
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
100. Loretta Lynn
"Van Lear Rose" 3:50
Van Lear Rose
Butcher Holler, KY/Hurricane Mills, TN
A woman was lying on a table at a spa; her face was completely covered with shingles. She was an older woman, and her face had been stricken with skin cancer. There were severe facial blemishes, sun spots, wrinkles, and a patch near her nose where her skin had deteriorated. Back in her younger days, she was beautiful and most considered her the hottest woman in town. Another woman working at the spa was reading a magazine. She set the magazine down, and removed all of the shingles. Once they were removed, her skin cancer was gone, all the wrinkles erased, the skin by her nose in perfect condition, and once again, she was beautiful. The shingles would always return, but the cancer would not.
"Kingfish Pies" 4:21
Bamnan and Slivercork
It was determined that an excess of detached shingles would create significant coverage. This determination was made upon realizing the widespread of shingles in both the bedroom of the fat sloppy piece of shit and that the city dump was now completely covered. The goal wasn’t exactly to figure methods to create more of them, but prevent massive spreading. Nothing had been accomplished as of yet in terms to stop the shingles from spreading or a means to keep them from returning once infested. However, people became enamored with the fact that more of them could be easily created.
98. Comets On Fire
"Brotherhood of the Harvest" 4:40
Santa Cruz, CA
They conducted experiments on prisoners who were on death row. Lorenzo Salazar had been convicted of aiding and abetting in a robbery, and was sentenced to death in the state of Texas; he did not kill anybody and was mentally handicapped. He was taken to an examination room to be completely covered, head to toe, with shingles. The sight of a human being completely covered with shingles was startling and the results were shocking. Observers simply stood and watched the process as he lay on the table and the shingles gradually formed and attached themselves over his entire body.
"The Gusher" 3:50
No You C'mon
Once completely covered, the living organism lost all bodily movement. Therefore, should anything become covered entirely with shingles, they would not be able to remove them without assistance. However, the living object will not die either—at least not right away. There had not been a conclusive enough study to see exactly how long a person could remain covered in shingles before passing away of either starvation or other causes of death related to prolonged stagnation; but, there did exist the possibility that the covered subject may never die of anything.
96. Jill Scott
"Talk to Me" 4:47
Beautifully Human: Words and Sounds, Vol. 2
The shingles caused no bodily harm whatsoever, even when totally embedded. It would appear that the subject would suffer from suffocation from being completely covered, but for whatever reason, this did not happen. Nobody ever determined how the organism was able to breathe when covered, but somehow this had to have occurred. For further study, they covered Lorenzo Salazar with shingles, and then dropped him into a pool of water where he sank to the bottom and remained completely motionless ten feet underwater. It was a bizarre spectacle observing a man covered in shingles sunk in the bottom of the pool—in all likelihood, he should have drowned. He was raised from the deep the next day. They uncovered him, and miraculously, he was perfectly fine.
95. Of Montreal
"Lysergic Bliss" 4:04
Satanic Panic in the Attic
In another series of experiments, they took the fully covered Lorenzo Salazar and attempted every execution method legal in the state of Texas. They strapped him to the electric chair, pulled the lever, and sent 50,000 watts of electricity scorching through his shingles covered body. Even while he was seated in the electric chair, strapped in according to procedure, there was but mild convulsions and hardly any smoke coming from the head. Lorenzo survived this particular execution and had zero side effects.
94. The Concretes
"You Can't Hurry Love" 2:03
Lorenzo was placed in a gas chamber. His body lied still on the floor, completely covered in shingles, while the gas filled the room. They placed him on a table and gave him a lethal injection. A sight that was most macabre was seeing a shingles covered man swinging from a noose after being dropped from a gallows’ pole. Perhaps the most enticing was the way they leaned him up against the wall, totally covered with shingles, and blasted him via firing squad.
93. Beastie Boys
"The Brouhaha" 2:13
To the 5 Boroughs
New York, NY
The Texas executioner took a break from his busy schedule, participated in the studies, and fulfilled the lifelong dream of stabbing a sword through a person’s heart. However, the perceived victim was covered with shingles, and the sword was ineffective. They plunged an axe into his head. He was taken to a factory and squished on a conveyor belt by a colossal pressing machine. The gasoline fire burning all night proved ineffective, as did the vat of molten metal. Enormous blades, choppers, and meat grinders could not perform the task and some were broken as a result of the experiment. When they placed his shingles covered body in a guillotine, the blade went completely through, but the head did not fall off. It took a great deal of effort and delicacy to remove him from the guillotine, but he was fine.
Who Is This America?
New York, NY
As shingles were spreading into the majority of people’s homes and into most places in the community, people grew outraged with the usage of shingles for testing. The fact that they had created more prior to stopping the spread angered the citizens. They protested the government and demanded that no more be created until they could be controlled. Furthermore, there were suspicions that they were being devised to be used for military and warfare purposes.
91. Tom Waits
"Shake It" 3:54
After people realized that areas covered with shingles could not be harmed, they did use this to their advantage. Smaller people covered with more shingles held a fighting advantage over bigger stronger people with no shingles. Witnesses reported numerous instances of women with enormous shingles coverage beating down massive men with pool sticks for unwanted advances. The WWF wrestling champion had a patch of shingles that covered his forehead; he entered the ring with an arrow protruding from his skull.
90. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Abattoir Blues / The Lyre of Orpheus
Berlin, Germany/London, England/Australia
Shingles became classified as a protective covering, homogenous with the shell of a turtle or Captain America’s shield. They appeared to have only one primary purpose, and that was to prevent the carrier from any harm whatsoever. Shingles possessed some unexplainable aspect enabled them to detect all inflicted ailments and rejuvenate the body into its most healthy form. The only drawback of this, aside from making the subject stationary, shingles knew no limitations.
89. Patti Smith
Chicago, IL/New York, NY
Perhaps they always suspected danger, or maybe they perceived the Earth inhabitable. The problem on Earth is that all living creatures are expected to someday die. Furthermore, there are far too many aspects on the planet Earth that may cause death, including the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the food we eat. In order to prevent starvation in many species, something has to die. When the desire of an alien growth is to kindly serve as protection and prevent death and illness, coupled with the fact that so many dangers reside in ordinary living conditions, the only way to achieve this goal is complete coverage.
"Cathedral 2 (Your Feet on the Floor Sounding Like the Rain)" 3:13
San Diego, CA/New York, NY
New evidence transpired involving a murder case in Birmingham, Alabama. Although it was considered a controversial move, the woman’s body was abstracted from her grave and re-examined. Authorities from the Coroner’s office raised the casket from the ground, opened the lid, and revealed the body inside was completely covered with shingles…as was the entire casket. It was a complete mystery how the shingles managed to form in a closed area six feet underground. Even more mysterious was the notion that this woman had been dead for several months; after they removed the shingles there was no sign of decomposing and she looked perfectly healthy. She was still dead, but the scars from the embalming process had completely healed.
87. Ikara Colt
The most powerful earthquake ever recorded shook the Richter scale with a magnitude of 9.7; it occurred undersea and sent a massive tsunami crashing into Japan. Disaster struck without warning, and the waves crashed through a heavily populated city demolishing skyscrapers, factories, and the neighbor’s expensive bird feeder. The waves ripped through the city. Houses came crashing down. Power lines were destroyed that erupted into flames. Massive amounts of water flooded the streets. Within minutes, Michael Bay was planning a movie. Water levels were 12 stories high. Cars were seen floating aimlessly through the streets crashing into obstacles. Camera crews filmed people gasping for breath in a state of panic.
86. The French Kicks
"The Trial of the Century" 4:14
The Trial of the Century
New York, NY
It had been concluded that shingles would spread more rapidly in areas in which danger is significantly present. The tsunami wave, considering the area in which it struck, should have been the most deadly disaster in history. However, a marginal 36 people were reported dead. Contrarily, there were millions of survivors. As the waters eventually cleared the streets, massive amounts of bodies were discovered at the bottom of the flood covered in shingles; some were even at the bottom of collapsed buildings. Of the millions of people who somehow became totally covered with shingles during the catastrophe, there were no injuries whatsoever—even though some people blatantly remember feeling excruciating pain, reported being buried under debris, and recalled being close to drowning after plunging under the water.
People Are Like Seasons
A reporter who could not even properly pronounce the name of the Japanese city was sent to cover the aftermath of the disaster and offer his expertise in this field. The cameras captured an image of a dog sitting on the side of the road and half of her face was covered with shingles. Some people found the image utterly disturbing and downright frightening. The dog looked so sad and helpless, and the fact that her face was halfway covered with shingles made her appear freakishly scary. However, the shingles had rescued her as busted glass blew into the side of her face, stabbing her in the eye, and causing massive lacerations. Her eye is fine, although it is prone to become re-covered with shingles.
84. Chuck Prophet
"Age of Miracles" 4:12
Age of Miracles
San Francisco, CA
As shingles were continuously spreading across the planet, there were reports of numerous miracles involving health and cures of otherwise terminal illnesses. Scott suffered a broken spine when he was but a teenager and had been paralyzed from the neck down. For the most part, he was bed ridden and required feeding through a tube in his neck. It was a joyful, tearful moment when Scott made a surprise at his family’s doorstep. He was walking perfectly fine and the hole in his throat had healed completely. Hugs, kisses, twirls, cart wheels, and crying ensued…Scott was no longer a pain in the ass.
83. The Black Keys
"The Lengths" 4:55
Little Lindsey with leukemia became stricken with shingles as well. Her cute little bald head was suddenly covered shingles one morning, and her family feared that it contributed to her bad luck. Each day, they had to pluck all of the shingles off of her bald head. After a week of this, they had to pluck the shingles out of her hair that was forming. A hospital test concluded that the cancer was NOT in remission, but completely gone and there was no sign she ever had any ailments whatsoever. Once her family member discovered this, they made the bitch pluck out her own God damn shingles out her head. Then her sister became jealous that her new hair had more vibrant body than that nappy head she had.
82. Reigning Sound
"If You Can't Give Me Everything" 2:42
Too Much Guitar!
Memphis, TN/Asheville, NC
At this rate, there would be no need whatsoever for health care insurance, pharmaceuticals, or even physicians. Being as many of these agencies dictate politics and has become a major topic of debate, it would appear that a major crisis had been resolved. However, these corporations are in dire need to reap billions of quarterly profits. That said, they not only perpetrated rumors that shingles ran the risk of long term dangerous effects, but they donated massive amounts of money in order to annihilate shingles completely.
81. The Icarus Line
Los Angeles, CA
The world had been plagued with numerous environmental risks. It wasn’t just the human race, but it was animal life and plants as well. Perhaps a distress signal had been transmitted throughout the universe that this race needed protection; the stone was sent to declare war on all the hazards harming the environment. Aside from species’ that were endangered with various health risks, the other portions of the world that became the most prominently infested with shingles were places that created the most pollution. Enormous smoke stacks were soon completely covered with shingles, and chemical plants had to stall operations due to the fact that shingles had hindered production.
80. Read Yellow
"Modern Phobias" 3:27
Radios Burn Faster
Warzones became a major target for shingle development. As tanks rolled through the streets of Palestinian villages, blasting houses and exploding entire communities, the flames eventually subsided into shingle coverage. While most of the world still only had patches of shingles here and there, places that were prone to battles and shootouts had major areas largely covered. The media enjoyed reporting wars and battles, and the scenes would often be in urban desert areas, machine guns firing, smoke filled streets, and most of the houses having large patches of shingles completely covering some of the walls. Soldiers would often shoot civilians; they would drop to the streets, and soon be covered with shingles. While not 100% effective, the shingles did drastically decrease the number of casualties.
79. Pink Grease
This Is For Real
Pretty girls developed ways to make shingles more attractive. They would decorate the shingles with nail polish, jewels, and glitter. Furthermore, women who had diseases such as vaginal warts would contract shingles on their pussies. Due to the fact they were now free of any risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, promiscuity increased. A guy could take a girl home, pull off her panties, and expose her shingles covered pussy. It was considered sensual foreplay removing the shingles as it provided a totally erotic female orgasm. There were reports of intense amounts of cum flowing from women’s vaginas during oral intercourse when shingles were involved.
78. The Crystal Method
"Born Too Slow" 3:00
Legion of Boom
Las Vegas, NV/Los Angeles, CA
The armed robber raced out of the bank carrying a bag of cash with his gun drawn. Rather than wearing a ski mask, his face was completely covered with shingles. A squad of police cars circled around him and a shootout ensued. One cop emerged from his vehicle, drew his gun, and unloaded his gun into the bank robber. The bullets pegged him in the face as he spun around and dropped to the ground. He immediately rose to his feet and fired back at the officers. Amidst the lengthy shootout and hot pursuit that covered the course of seven blocks, car windows were busted, tires were blown out, cars spun around and crashed, and the finale ended in an alleyway where both sides exchanged shots and the robber escaped over a fence. Nobody was hurt.
77. MF DOOM
"One Beer" 4:19
An airplane traveled across purple skies. The latch opened and a person totally covered in shingles was moved to foot of the door and shoved out without a parachute. In the sky, one could see an obviously human figure covered in shingles free falling from the sky. From above, the view was spectacular as the body seemed to float. As the figure gathered speed, the scenery became more euphoric. The buildings on either side seemed to take on a dizzying blur, while a small child observed the event waving her hand slowly out the window as the figure passed by her room.
A crowd of spectators had gathered around the predicted landing spot, and the landing area had been designed to look like a living room. There was a space of carpet, a man seated in a recliner reading the paper while drinking tea, and an empty sofa with a coffee table in front of it. Suddenly, the human figure crashed down into the constructed living room stage prop, bounced twice, and finally dropped still on the ground. The gentleman seated in the recliner yawned, looked at his watch, set down his tea, folded the newspaper, calmly arose from his chair, walked over to the human figure, and detached all the shingles while calmly yet mildly irritated saying phrases like, “you’re four minutes late again Belvedere, I’m afraid your tea might have gotten cold. And, I won’t be warming it up for you; you will have put it in the microwave yourself.”
After the shingles were most of the way detached, the man who dropped from the sky, stood up, apologized for being late, and then calmly sat on the couch and sipped his tea. The audience applauded.
"Now It Last" 3:16
Let It Die
Amherst, Nova Scotia, Canada
All was calm and disturbingly quiet in the city that had been ravaged with the tsunami. The water had been fully eradicated and much of the city had been restored. However, it was a Friday night in downtown and the streets were as equally quiet as those eerie moments in Antarctica. Furthermore, the streets were completely deserted.
As we panned through the city observing the scene, many of the windows were still broken and a few had been boarded up entirely. Much debris remained on the ground from the ruins of the buildings that had collapsed. There were construction sites where heavy machinery equipment was being used for reconstruction.
Many of these buildings had large patches of shingles growing from the sides. There were shingles growing in the middle of the streets. A bird was sitting in a nest completely covered with shingles. In one home, the entire floor was totally covered with shingles. The seat of wrecking ball crane was occupied by a person completely covered in shingles. Several other bodies lied in the road totally covered, just like the bodies lying on the floors in the stores, in the beds, in the schools, in hospitals, and everywhere else. All living organisms in this city had become covered with shingles and could do nothing but lie completely still in the exact spot in which they became covered.
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