2012/01/18

The Top 100 Songs of 1997

The Top 100 Songs of 1997 + The Extreme Midget Wrestler
Chapter 1: Born a Midget... And Proud of It
Chapter 2: Veronica
Chapter 3: The Battle Royale
Chapter 4: The Main Event

Chapter I: Born a Midget... And Proud of It


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



“Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. And please, silence. Total silence.” The announcer spoke calmly, with a pleasant smile, welcoming the audience to the event. He was coaxing the audience into thinking this was going to be a relaxing evening. “I would like to welcome all of you to Extreme Midget Wrestling. We have in store for you this evening…”

CHANDLER KILLBODY entered the ring and swiped the microphone from the announcer. “Ok, listen up everybody. I would like to talk about an important charity event. All of this you see here tonight is for a major benefit, we need your donations and all the proceeds will go to children who are suffering from…”

SMALL PAUL snuck into the ring with a chair, and bashed the commendable midget over the head with it before he could even finish his important announcement. The midget who was struck with the chair dropped to the ground with blood protruding from his head. On cue, the lights exploded, the music roared, and the crowd cheered.

100. Dwarves
"We Must Have Blood"  2:16
The Dwarves Are Young And Good Looking
Chicago, IL

The calumniator strutted around the ring, pumping his fists to the crowd. Although the audience was still clapping and smiling, a roar of boos were directed at the assailant. As he was parading the ring attempting to provoke the audience, the honorable charity speaking Midget Wrestler unsuspectingly arose from behind him with a bloody head. He ambushed his assailant from behind; picked me up, spun him around, and emphatically body slammed him to the ground. As the calumniator was agonizing on the canvas appearing to be in insufferable pain, the bloody faced charitable Midget Wrestler climbed to the top rope, leaped in the air towering above the entire audience, and fearlessly crashed down on top of the distressed oppressor. Extreme Midget Wrestling was underway, and an illustrious bout was in full swing right from the onset.

99. Blur
"Song 2"  2:02
Blur
Colchester, England

Total chaos ensued. A team of Midget Wrestlers stormed into the ring and ganged up on Chandler Killbody, who maintained an ensanguined forehead. The formidable squad of adversary Midget Wrestlers secured Chandler Killbody’s arms, dealing harsh blows to the stomach, and setting him up for a variety of acrobatic wrestling assaults. Another group emerged into the ring from the other side, thwarting the gang’s assault on Chandler. The introductory offering was a full-fledged brawl featuring dazzling moves, drop kicks to the face, and participants combatively thrown out of the ring. Finally, the referee entered, an extremely cute girl in her 20’s, and order was temporarily restored. That is, until the actual match that was scheduled to begin promptly.

98. The Psycho Realm
"Showdown"  4:33
The Psycho Realm
Los Angeles, CA

I possess the ability to electrify an audience. Before even entering the ring, I flaunt around and intermingle with the crowd; after all, the #1 objective of the show is to provide boisterous entertainment. We vigorously shake hands, give energetic high fives, and I flex my muscles for the members of the audience to grope and admire. It’s those cheers that give me the biggest rush. Outside these walls, shit can get ugly you know, people stare at me funny, act like I’m some sort of fucking tourist attraction or something. But here, I’m a superstar. I made the best of the hand I was dealt. When I walk onto the stage, it’s more thrilling for the audience on a personal level than the most famous QB, or your favorite baseball player. They may have bought tickets expecting to see a freak show, but by the time I make my rounds and into the ring, they smile and think to themselves, “Ok, this dude’s fucking awesome!”

97. His Hero Is Gone
"Monuments to Thieves"  1:53
Monuments to Thieves
Memphis, TN

I too have the ability to fire up the crowd. Except when I enter, everybody boos (laughs). Granted the audience had already been instructed to boo me, but there is a lot of prestige that comes with getting booed by a large audience. Playing the bad guy is hilarious, while they all boo, I get the fun job of talking to shit to all of them… I get to cuss at people, call them all names, and every now and then, I pretend as if their wives girlfriends are in love with me. Being a midget, we have an advantage when playing the bad guy wrestler…all of the bullshit we put up with on the streets, there’s a bunch of shit that I feel like saying to people—but don’t to avoid any trouble. So, when I am entering the ring, I get to yell shit at the crowd, shit I wish I would have said to mother fuckers who bothered me at the store…and I go over the top with it. Despite the boos, they smile joyfully; they think to themselves, “I fucking love this guy!”

96. Old 97's
"Salome"  4:08
Too Far to Care
Dallas, TX

Outside the arena, life isn’t always as pleasant. Meeting people for the first time can be irritating, to say the least. It’s never like, “this is Brian, and he works in the entertainment industry, he’s a doctor, or he’s a lawyer, or even he’s a drug dealer.” It’s always, “this is Brian, he’s a midget,” or some sort of an attempt to sound politically correct, vertically challenged or even worse, a little person. People with dwarfism rarely receive customary introductions. The fact they are a midget defines them and exceptionally conventional uninitiated amateurs of society will stare, joke, and possibly even ridicule a dwarf, just because. It does not even matter what personality he/she may possess; the “big person” and “little person” might be 100% compatible for all anybody knows. Sometimes, people just don’t feel like fucking with it, it’s easier to never meet anybody.

95. Labradford
"S"  6:19
Mi Media Naranja
Richmond, VA

Despite the fact that dwarfism is considered a birth defect… despite the fact that their mere physical attributes are considered a “medical condition”… despite the fact that simply being born placed them into an undesirable category… despite the fact they are constantly subject to unwarranted ridicule and discrimination from the majority of society… despite the fact that ordinary citizens are uncomfortable and unsure what to even call them… despite not given a fair chance to succeed whatsoever… despite a constant struggle just going to the grocery store… despite every negative connotation imaginable, The Extreme Midget Wrestlers have utilized all of this to their advantage, made the absolute best of their given situation, and can proudly say they thoroughly enjoy what they do. Can you say the same?

94. Björk
"Alarm Call"  4:20
Homogenic
Reykjavík, Iceland

Flyin’ Brian Valentine was born a midget, but not necessarily born a professional midget wrestler; the latter was the result of a woman. Like all other young men living in this world, Brian Valentine too became interested in sexual relations. Because there were no female dwarves in his proximity, Brian Valentine had to settle with a “regular” sized woman simply by default. While the relationship did satisfy the young man’s intimate desires, Sarah was not exactly a loving girlfriend. She was abusive, frequently made snide comments regarding his height, claimed she “overlooked” his personal needs, and eventually threw a tirade that sent him flying out into the yard.

93. The Spaceshits
"Backseat Boogie"  1:55
Winter Dance Party
Montreal, QC, Canada

Having decided he was no longer willing to withstand this type of malfeasance, Brian Valentine devoted himself to the appropriate means necessary to defend himself against oppressors, bullies, and girlfriend abuse. He studied various self-defense techniques, worked out strenuously, and learned a variety of acrobatic moves to ensure that nobody would aggrieve him. Within several months, he was rock solid, capable of doing hundreds of push-ups, sit-ups, and chin-ups without stopping, and even more dangerously, able to endure pain. If narrow minded rednecks were to antagonize Brian Valentine, a fight would more than likely ensue. People eventually learned the hard way not to “overlook” Brian’s personal concerns.

92. 35007
"Powertruth"  6:14
35007
Eindhoven, Netherlands

His stage name was adopted even before he even took the stage. Some douchebag at one of lamest bars in the city was nowhere near on “the baddest mother fuckers in town” list. However, he induced that he may receive consideration to top the "pussies put properly in their place" list by endeavoring to belittle Brian in order to impress his friends…other douches just like him. After an exchange of harsh words, Brian slapped the douche in the back of the head and ordered him to “do something.” The douche grabbed Brian by the back of the collar and hurled him sailing across the room, “flying” so to say. After he crashed down from his flight into a table, Brian immediately jumped back up, and backed off security with a smile. The douche showed symptoms of intimidation, but the badass security guard was not about to let him go free.

91. Ulver
"Hymn I - Of Wolf and Fear"  6:16
Nattens Madrigal: Aatte Hymne Til Ulven I Manden
Oslo, Norway

Brian despised this bar, as did the security guard who was only present to keep a roof over his head. However, what this douche didn’t know was that the 6’4” 320 pound security guard happened to be one of Brian’s closest friends. Brian was only present to drop off an item that his close friend needed for work, but had accidentally forgotten. Brian held up his hands, defenseless, ordering the douche to do something, kicking him, provoking him, until finally the douche punched him square in the face. After taking his best shot, Brian laughed at him. Once again, the douche picked up Brian and launched him across the room, this time knocking over a beer bottle. Brian picked himself up off the ground, and looked at security, “Lamar, am I bleeding?” Lamar affirmed there was no blood, so Brian seized a portion of the busted bottle, and sliced himself across the forehead with it—covering his face in blood. “Now I am!”

90. Gluecifer
"Bounced Checks"  4:32
Ridin' the Tiger
Oslo, Norway

Brian Valentine returned, this time with his fists clenched, his face dripping with blood, and a look of serious contentment into his eye that resembled the Samhain Initium album cover. At first, the douche attempted to laugh it off, “good one.” As Brian grew closer, he knew a fight was going down and there was nothing he could do about it. The douche turned around to flee, but Lamar blocked his path. Brian picked up his pace, ran towards him, and the douche immediately attempted to apprehend him to toss him again. However, Brian secured his wrists, and in one quick sudden move, the douche was slammed to the ground. With rapid speed of a world champion boxer, Flyin’ Brian Valentine commenced to beat and stomp the living shit out of this douche until the douche’s face was even bloodier than his. The douche also proved that he could not stand withstand pain as well as Brian either, as he lay on the floor and cried in agony. Lamar quickly grew tired of listening to him wine and threw his ass out on the sidewalk.

89. The 3rd and the Mortal
"Monody"  3:47
In This Room
Trondheim, Norway

{Actual quote from EMWF star Little Nasty Boy} “I was born a midget. It’s not like I went to the clinic and said, ‘Yo, can you make me a midget.’” {Actual quote from 96% of the world} “I’m proud of who I am.” {Actual slogan on t-shirts and stickers} “Black and proud.” {Actual event accompanied with a parade in every city} “Gay PRIDE.” {Numerous bumper stickers and messages} “Proud supporter of __________” {Actual self-proclamation} “Proud Anarchic-Communist…and fuck you if you don’t like it!” {Actual quote from EMWF star Little Nasty Boy} “I’m proud to be a midget!”

88. Elliot Smith
"Speed Trials"  3:01
Either/Or
Omaha, NE (1969)-Los Angeles, CA (2003)

We were the best of friends since childhood, Alex and I. He was regular sized, but we grew up next door to each other. All of our differences were ironed out early, you know, shit like his mom would beat his ass if he said something “mean” about my height "disadvantage" so to say. That shit was all gone by 2nd grade. Alex is the dude who I confide in about anything; hell, we’ve known each other for over 20 years now. It works out you know, Alex is sort of a pussy. He stuck up for me in high school, now I have to stick up for him all the time. Lamar is a good friend, big black mother fucker, dude you don’t fuck it. He knows a lot of people and introduced us to some people…turns out his best friend is had dwarfism too. Alex is a punk, fucked up haircut and shit, with a lot of gay friends. We both always had a lot of black friends, and eventually I befriended a lot people my own height. Throughout it all, Alex is still there, so is Lamar, all of us… we all hung out together. We were punks, niggers, faggots, and midgets…what’s the difference? Society hates us all equally anyway.

87. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
"People Ain't No Good"  5:42
The Boatman's Call
Berlin, Germany/London, England/Australia

The majority of the spectators have no extraordinary features whatsoever. In fact, these people are ordinary at everything. They insist that just because they are ordinary, and their #1 goal is to achieve the exact same image of the tabloid imitation, that they have the right to dictate what defines standards and happiness. These mother fuckers still get enamored simply hearing shitty ass Sweet Caroline at the clubs every single weekend; which was exactly like last weekend. Being as a song as lame as Sweet Caroline has the ability to captivate their simplistic television controlled minds, when beholding another human being who undermines the wisdoms of their convention, the imbeciles will often express their bewilderment; and all these idiots have to offer are a heap of clichés.

86. The Weakerthans
"Leash"  3:07
Fallow
Winnipeg, MB, Canada

Cliché spewers are profoundly irritating for a multitude of reasons. The fact that they even feel the need to make a comment is annoying enough. It’s as if people are expected to behave exactly how they do or else they may be prone to have clichés shouted at them; and we’ve already determined that these people are nothing special and far from spectacular. But, the aspect that is most annoying is the fact that they actually think they are saying something original, doing something that has never been done, something intelligent, something clever…something that represents significant shock value.

85. Lambchop
"Superstar In France"  4:47
Thriller
Nashville, TN

Further studies have concluded that ordinary people who direct clichés at those with extraordinary features do so for obvious reasons; and not much studying needed to be conducted to resolve this matter because these people are not very complex. Of course they are going to think their comments may be shocking to others…they are still astonished to hear Sweet Caroline at the club. Of course they are only going to offer cliché comments…they have no special qualities to devise anything original. Of course they think of themselves as remarkable, their parents thought so, and just like it said in the instruction manual, sheltered them accordingly so they would have limited exposure to creative endowment in order to prevent insecurity or a non-conformist. {Never heard before confession} Proud to be ordinary.

84. Boubacar Traoré
"Dounia"  6:36
Sa Golo
Kayes, Mali

There is no such thing as Midget History Month. As of yet, there has not been a midget civil rights activist such as the great Martin Luther King, Jr. A dwarf President seems out of question at this juncture in society, particularly since studies have revealed that extraordinary intelligence is on the decline. Don’t even consider the back of the bus—for a midget to emerge on the bus period requires more bravery than the average pedestrian will ever possess. There are no affirmative action laws in existence requiring companies to hire people with dwarfism. However, studies have proven that people with dwarfism test significantly higher in aptitude tests and are able to triumph over way more adversity than the ordinary Sweet Caroline fans who were given domain over society.

83. Françoiz Breut
"Ma Colère"  5:32
Françoiz Breut
Cherbourg, France/Brussels, Belgium

Unlike being born with the medical condition known as white Christian conservative heterosexual American male, dwarves do not even resemble their own parents. In that regard alone, there may be some similarities to being born without vision or being hearing impaired, but, those with dwarfism are fully functionable and can effectively communicate. On the other hand, a person with dwarfism may share more numerous significant similarities to an average sized male than another male of similar size…yet the two average sized persons are considered the same species rather than with the one with dwarfism even though similar size is the only common attribute. Doug the midget has the exact eyes as Glenn the average sized accountant from Lexington, KY and the two even have identical taste in films, favorite pizza toppings, and favorite color…yet Glenn is lumped into the same category with that asshole who sits across the office whom he has nothing in common with whatsoever just because neither of them have dwarfism.

82. Stereo Total
"Furore"  2:53
Monokini
Berlin, Germany

What is a perceived medical condition anyway? By definition, a medical condition is something that requires intense medication, the patient may be at risk of dying anytime, suffering, and these symptoms may be contagious. It is very easy to spot somebody with a medical condition; many of them appear dilapidated, depressed, or possibly even disgusting… like this person. However, I do not feel this person shows any symptoms of having a “medical condition.” In fact, he looks like a cool mother fucker to me. I would rather hang out with him than the people suffering from this ultra-disturbing medical condition.

81. The Van Pelt
"The Good, The Bad & The Blind"  4:30
Sultans Of Sentiment
New York, NY

One study was conducted using a blind person who had tested at near genius level IQ; he was to interact with people who he knew nothing about beforehand. For the first study, he was required to mingle at a tavern populated entirely with midgets. Not knowing that any of the friends he made were “vertically challenged” the blind subject frequently engaged in intellectual conversation, thoroughly enjoyed himself, and wondered what exactly was being studied in the first place…everything seemed, as he put it, “normal.” (He actually suspected that everybody else in the room might be blind intellectuals like himself.)

80. Delerium
"Duende"  5:23
Karma
Vancouver, BC, Canada

Then, the blind person was taken to douchy bar on Water Street in Milwaukee and required to intervene with the Sweet Caroline fans. Having already been befuddled with asinine comments such as “holy shit, this guy’s blind!”, “dude, do you like Stevie Wonder?”, to “that’s so cool that you’re blind,” once Sweet Caroline was played and the crowd responded the exact same way “you’re supposed to,” the blind person began experiencing symptoms of brain hemorrhaging and needed to be escorted out of the premises. They asked him only one question to conclude study: “In your opinion, which group would you diagnose with having a medical condition?”

79. Third Eye Blind
"The Background"  4:57
Third Eye Blind
San Francisco, CA

No matter a person’s interests or physical attributes, an overwhelming majority of society desire companionship. There are a few reclusive exceptions that may disqualify this condition from being classified as “human nature,” but, it is such as common aspiration that the success of a person’s life may be defined by the ability to achieve fruitful companionship. One of the worst circumstances to ever be faced with is developing an extreme fondness for another person but being unable to ever pursue this ambition due to uncontrollable limitations. Most people experience this at some point in their lives; people with dwarfism, however, the available options are severely limited and gradually diminish more frequently over time.

78. Fila Brazillia
"Pollo de Palo"  6:29
Luck Be a Weirdo Tonight
Kingston upon Hull, England

This girl doesn’t like me because I’m skinny. This guy doesn’t like me because I’m fat. Brandy doesn’t like Daisy because she has red hair. The girl at City Market doesn’t like me because I obviously have deep-seeded psychological issues and she thinks I’m a weirdo. In fact, nobody likes me period for a multitude of reasons. She is so out of my league. People can eat more, lose weight, color their hair, visit a shrink, conceal a few kids under the couch, lie about their profession, and convince anyone that starring in those pornographic films paid for college. It’s impossible to hide a distinguishing height characteristic. Some people like fat chicks, there are porn sites devoted to redheads, some people prefer different, and big black cologne scented cock has become a welcome commodity even in the straight white communities. What would the reaction be to a re-make of the movie “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” with the role of Dr. John Prentice being assigned a dwarf rather than a black man? Oh, and people pay good money to fuck crackheads.

77. Stereolab
"Rainbo Conversation"  4:46
Dots And Loops
London, England/Bordeaux, France

Sometimes, the view from below is astounding; and I’m not talking about being constantly at eye level with hot babes in miniskirts. I’m talking about in the ring. I have to confess, while I do enjoy winning the matchups, at times, it is just as much of a thrill to be slated to lose to Flyin’ Brian Valentine. It’s a rush, dangerous, maybe even the ultimate thrill ride for those of us who take joy in self infliction. We are cool about everything in the ring, you know, I get to beat his ass for the first 10 minutes. Then, as planned, he comes back. We can all execute this stunt flawlessly these days; it’s one of premier events. After a series of blows to the head and a few moves, maybe being bounced from the ropes and clothes-lined, we get to lie flat on the canvas, pretend to be nearly unconscious, and just listen to the crowd roar. Then Flyin’ Brian jumps up the top of the ropes, and (laughs out loud), and seeing this, (laughs again), seeing this fucking midget go leaping off the top rope, and this dude can get airborne…we lie motionless on the canvas and watch that face with the cameras flashing as he swoops down on top of us…BOOM! (Claps his hand) and the crowd just loves it while the referee slams the three count. Yea, we pull it off quite regularly, but sometimes, I have to admit, when I see him coming and after the stunt is complete, it’s hard to keep a straight face.

76. Godspeed You! Black Emperor
"East Hastings"  17:58
F♯A♯∞ (Infinity)
Montréal, QC, Canada

“Who the hell would ever want to watch wrestling? Wrestling is fake!” No shit mother fucker, so are movies.

Fake wrestling vs. real wrestling. This is no contest. Actual wrestling has been delegated strictly to high schools and the Olympics, and sorry, nobody is interested. Sure, it is an actual sport that requires a great degree of physical strength and strategy, but, baseball is on, people would rather watch that instead. The winner: Fake Wrestling.

Nobody is in a fantasy wrestling league. Everybody already knows that professional wrestling is staged, the winners are already decided, and the body slams and other vicious hits are “fake.” However, like it or not, people still watch the event and enjoy it. Which leads us to the next battle royale: WWF/WWE/Big People Wrestling vs. Midget Wrestling. TNA Wrestling is disqualified from this discussion; if you do not have any clue why people watch TNA Wrestling, they have a product called Viagra that may be of some use to you (or apply to above statement: she doesn’t like me because I can’t get it up).

Professional Wrestling is a spectator event that consists of theatrics, acrobatics, and the ability to pull of daredevil stunts. Many wrestling matches often depict storylines, themes, and sometimes various movie scenes; therefore, a certain degree of acting is involved with professional wrestling. Furthermore, since the most vicious hits are “fake,” further acting is required as well as highly advanced training to perform these stunts without getting seriously injured or killed…which the risk is always there. Also, because it is a show, the participants have to be entertaining and appealing to the eye. As far as appealing to the eye is concerned, big people wrestling holds the edge as far as sex appeal is concerned. Wrestlers such as The Rock and a multitude of others have mass appeal to women and men who are into this sort of image.

Also, big person wrestling wins in the category of performing things the average person could never achieve; i.e. most people could lift a dwarf, only a select few in history have ever successfully body slammed the 500-700 pound Andre the Giant. With the exception of the Andre the Giant body slams, (which, let’s face it, being as Hulk Hogan is pretty much the only person to achieve this stunt multiple times, this stunt requires extra precautionary measures for both parties) the only other aspect in which big person wrestling holds an edge over midget wrestling is the ability to disguise the protective measures incorporated with the highly dangerous stunts.

The acting in midget wrestling is better than the acting in big person wrestling. Because of a more lucrative budget, big person wrestling has the ability to portray more advanced storylines that can be depicted on television. But inside the ring, midget wrestlers play their characters flawlessly. Furthermore, where they lack disguising their defense measures to make the stunts look more real, they are experts at pretending to be in excruciating pain.

The acrobatics in midget wrestling is, surprisingly, better than the big boys who became celebrities. This is one area in which midgets actually possess a height “advantage” against some of the biggest strongest people in the world. Not only do their moves require a great deal of quickness and agility, their size allows them to perform some radical moves that the big wrestlers could not achieve, such as spin kicks through the ropes.

Bashing a person over the head with a heavy blunt object is a stunt that has always had mass appeal. Midget Wrestlers incorporate this aspect far better than the regular wrestlers. Not only do they perform this stunt more regularly, and somehow make it look seriously real, they even have matches featuring a garbage can in the middle of the ring in which the participants beat each other with the objects from the garbage can (trash back and sticks brawl). However nobody has died from this a complete mystery.

Perhaps the best aspect of midget wrestling is the fact that they do not have mass sponsorship from television. Because the matches are not televised, the shows are not intended for children and receive an R-rating. Participants are permitted to curse freely, shout obscenities including fuck and whatever else at anybody—including the hot female referee; and, they encourage the audience to shout profanity. Furthermore, loud rock and hip hop music play during the matches. Many are conducted at smaller venues, and have the equivalency to attending an underground punk show; WWE is more like the mainstream pop arena concerts.

Most wrestling matches feature a duel between a “good guy” vs. a “bad guy.” In many cases, particularly in the matches in which the bad guy wins during the beginning but the bad guy comes back to triumph, these matches attempt to portray struggle… and some have even gone so far as to imply serious political issues such as racism and other oppressive aspects in society. While the big people accomplish this the best to their ability (let’s face it, these guys are not exactly Meryl Streep & Morgan Freeman in the ring), the Extreme Midget Wrestlers hold an advantage for these types of storylines because their entire life has been a struggle with oppression.

Also, because they are midgets, and because life outside the ring is too serious sometimes, they are also better at providing comedic entertainment. None of them woke up yesterday and suddenly realized they were a midget around 5:00 PM, they were born a midget, they are proud of it, and the more fun they have with it, the easier it is to pay bills with the ordinary people’s money—who purchased the tickets with the cash they earned by performing tasks benefitting the standards they set for society. However, once the Midget Wrestlers are paid lucratively, none of them will visit an insurance office to cheer on Stan sitting in his cubicle denying people’s claims; Stan is too ordinary to ever achieve an audience.




NC-17 Sountraxxx Best Songs of 1997: 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1

Excellent interview featuring the line: "I was born a midget."




Nice example of Midget Wrestling, featuring quality entertainment as previously mentioned, and the cute referee.

All out craziness!

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