2012/01/18

The Best Songs of 1997

The Top 100 Songs of 1997 + The Extreme Midget Wrestler
Chapter 1: Born a Midget... And Proud of It
Chapter 2: Veronica
Chapter 3: The Battle Royale
Chapter 4: The Main Event

Chapter IV: The Main Event


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



25. Luna
"Fuzzy Wuzzy"  5:48
Pup Tent
New York, NY

The convoy of Midget Wrestling tour buses rolled into town. For the Hollywood version of Midget Wrestling, the sold out event packed an arena. Also employed were the following: a jumbotron, a top notch magician who Paul had known, a vast array of stage props, Paul’s sister the make-up designer with a full dressing room, and beauty queen sensation, Sara Jaymes. This was a televised event in what had been rated The Midget Wrestling Capitol of America. Most people in this community had no interest in ever hosting the Super Bowl or the Olympics; a recent survey indicated that 46% of the city’s population cited Midget Wrestling as their #1 primary interest. Tickets were being sold on this city’s Craigslist for $50,000 and the scalpers were seen on the corner exchanging tickets for briefcases full of money; one woman left her children with the scalper in exchange for two tickets to see Midget Wrestling. This city even had a parade.

24. Teenage Fanclub
"It's A Bad World"  4:21
Songs From Northern Britain
Glasgow, Scotland

Unfortunately, not all was perfect. There was a crowd of protestors in front of the arena attempting to boycott the Midget Wrestling event. Some stated that God did not approve of Midget Wrestling and that people only contracted dwarfism because they were spawns of Satan. Others held signs insinuating that they had the right to call midgets “little people” and another various other slogans including, “we have to be the ones to select which words are appropriate to call these people” and “don’t allow little people to coin their own monikers, we decide that!” A few local businesses put signs in their windows that read: “no midgets allowed!”

23. Primal Scream
"Kowalski"  5:50
Vanishing Point
Glasgow, Scotland

Randy Farley robbed a bank in order to have enough money to purchase a ticket for Midget Wrestling. He had spotted a scalper on the corner, and after the negotiations, he realized he was still $12,000 short. After he made a few calls to try and sell his home real quick before the event, and having no success in this task (a few said they were interested in buying his $188,000 home for $12,000 + a few beers and a couple hot dogs, but they were already strapped for cash because they already had tickets; they were not interested in trading the tickets outright for Randy’s home), Randy put on a ski mask, went into the bank with a gun, and demanded $12,040. It was a desperate situation in which Randy had to fire a few shots into the ceiling, but eventually they gave him the cash. He ran to the arena still wearing a ski mask, carrying a gun in one hand and a bag of cash into the other, looking around for the scalper. Somebody else apparently must have purchased them, and the police found Randy on the corner wearing a ski mask, a gun, and a sign that read “need tickets.”

22. Spectrum
"Owsley"  5:44
Forever Alien
Rugby, England

The first light to come on was the jumbotron, as the sold out crowd roared and rose to their feet. A video played on the jumbotron: a spaceship landed on Earth, and the captain of the ship looked freakishly demonic talking about a plot to over the Earth, displaying the worst acting and dialogue ever witnessed…even worse than those cheesy sci-fi films where you can purchase a 12-DVD set for the exact same price it cost to make the movie, about $6. They claimed they needed the championship belt in order to save their galaxy from destruction. All the lights came on, revealing the ring in the center of the arena. No wrestlers were inside the ring yet, just an enormous hot press machine from the dry cleaners and a scantily dressed Sara Jaymes. Miss Jaymes was in the process of stripping off her shirt, but right at the moment before her breasts were revealed, two evil space creatures entered the ring and seized her. She put up a struggle, but they had their arms wrapped around her waist and lifted her off the ground; she was kicking and screaming, and eventually forcefully stuffed into the dry cleaning press. They closed the lid on her, and excessive steam discharged from the sides. When they opened the lid, Sara Jaymes had shrunk… and been transformed into Small Paul wearing demon make-up.

21. The Brian Jonestown Massacre
"Whoever You Are"  4:40
Give It Back
San Francisco, CA

A Midget Wrestler dressed as a back country civilian entered the ring and curiously examined the enormous dry cleaning press. He was simply walking by it casually, brushing his hands across the surface attempting to figure out what exactly this sort of contraption was doing in a place like this. Suddenly, Small Paul in his demon disguise jumped out from behind the device and startled the person. The wrestler dressed as the country civilian look startled, then petrified of Small Paul, and attempted to flee. But, Small Paul grabbed him by his shirt and hit him wrestling-style—forearm across the head, causing him to drop to his knee. Paul proceeded to abuse him with a few different wrestling moves, rammed his head repeatedly into the dry cleaning press, and elbowed him across the head. Once the civilian started staggering backwards, Small Paul grabbed his wrist and flung him against the ropes. When he bounced off, he crashed face first into the dry cleaning press. Small Paul climbed to the top of the device, jumped, and landed an elbow to the civilian’s forehead.

20. The Pastels
"Unfair Kind of Fame"  4:21
Illumination
Glasgow, Scotland

It was a major risk, but the prosecutor was left with no choice as it appeared to be his best option. The goal was guilty verdicts to make his record look good, to earn re-election, prestige, power, and money. In all honesty, the prosecutor wasn’t really that big of a racist, it didn’t matter the race, size, or gender of the guilty verdicts, as long as they were ruled guilty by the jury. The five white guys who assumed they had domain over society were arrested on charges of inciting a riot, disorderly conduct, numerous charges related to harassment, assault (the instigator who removed Luther from the chair, and unintentionally struck Veronica with it), gross sexual imposition for even speaking to Veronica and placing a hand on Jolinda, and because Jolinda, Lamar, and Luther were black, since one had used derogatory racial slurs, all charges were escalated to potential hate crimes (the “hate crime” descriptor was not assessed to Caucasians regardless of their size or stature).

19. Danielson Family
"Me To Datee"  3:32
Tell Another Joke At The Ol' Choppin' Block
Clarksboro, NJ

Luther N. Cox took the stage and the moment he did, the crowd cheered. “We have a very special guest for you tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and talented… Miss Veronica Diamond!”

Veronica came out on the stage amidst applause and Luther N. Cox bowed to her.

“It’s about time you fucking bowed to me. (Talking to the crowd) Did you know he’s the first black dwarf I had ever seen? At least that’s what he thought. He’s like, (imitates Luther) bet you ain’t never seen no black guy with dwarfism before have you? I’m like, midget please! Get the fuck out of here…midget! You ever drive through one of those midget hoods, where all the midgets be out on the corner selling crack and shit? See, we use racial slurs the same way black people do. We’re like, sheeit midget; get your midget ass out of here. It’d been cool if David Chappelle was a midget, and be like “fuck your couch…midget!” Midgetz with Attitudes! That’s our rap band in the hood.

You know, white people call each other niggers now… I hope you all have recognized that. That’s our goal: we want tall people to call each other midgets. Do it right now. Turn to the person next to you and say: ‘Hey! What’s up my midget!’ (The crowd laughed, and many of them actually did it.)

See, it’s cool if we call ourselves midgets, but ya ‘all can’t be calling us midgets. You get fucked up for that! No. You don’t believe me? You noticed that fat mother fucker never came up out of the chocolate lake in Willie Wonka didn’t you? None of them God damn kids ever came back. That’s cuz the Oompa Loompas fucked ‘em up! See, we’re hired hit men. A lot times when you don’t see us, it ain’t because we’re too short, it’s cuz we got undercover jobs we’re doing for the mob and shit. There’s nothing freakier than sitting around your living room eating a Hungry Man TV Dinner, or whatever it is you people eat, then see a gang of midgets bust through the door with guns. That’d scare the shit of mother fuckers wouldn’t it?

Midgets scare white people. Midgets scare me too, probably because I’m white I guess. My boyfriend’s a midget, and he creeps me out. I was so worried that when we first started dating, he made me a mix CD, and I was so worried it was going to be a compilation of all the Oompa Loompa songs. I’d of kicked that little mother fucker’s ass. I hate those fucking…”

The audience was all laughing and enjoying Veronica’s performance when it was suddenly interrupted, the microphone snatched from her hand, and she was shoved to the ground. “You...fucking...BITCH!” Dirty Victor Sanchez had entered the ring in a demonic IRS tax collector disguise. As expected, the crowd booed him.

18. Gorky's Zygotic Mynci
"Meiron Wyllt"  2:49
Barafundle
Carmarthen, Wales

“Don’t like Oompa Loompas huh? Bitch? Well, you still owe 482 million dollars in taxes for DVD sales. People think you little Oompa Loompa mother fuckers made that movie so good, then you owe taxes for all money that it ever made… Even the Tim Burton remake that only had one of you!”

Small Paul re-entered the ring. Veronica looked frightened and was attempting to back away from Small Paul in his frightening demon disguise, when another bad guy wrestler also entered the ring, in a suit and tie, smoking a cigar.

“So, you people killed the fat boy in the chocolate river huh?”

“No, it was just a joke.”

“We don’t believe you.”

They grabbed Veronica by her wrists and pinned them down to the canvas, and then tied her wrists together. She kept her arms up in the air, and the two began rolling her towards the edge of the ring. “We’re going to make a blueberry out of you!” The two of them in unison began singing, “Oompa Loompa doompa-dee ditch, we gonna make a blueberry out this midget bitch!.”

The lights faded.

17. Robert Wyatt
"Heaps of Sheeps"  4:57
Shleep
Bristol/Louth, England

The next match started off relatively normal; featuring a good guy vs. a bad guy who wasn’t really that bad of a person. It had been a fairly clean match (for Midget Wrestling standards anyway) and even had a referee…a sexy referee also played by a risqué beauty queen. However, much to the surprise of all three in the ring, two little green aliens entered the ring with laser guns. First, the two aliens fired lasers at the two wrestlers, then beat the both of them over the head with the laser guns. Then, they bounced the two wrestlers off opposite ends of the ropes, violently crashing them into each other. The two aliens jumped down on top of them and pinned them. Rather than give them a three count, the referee disqualified the two aliens. Upon being disqualified, they attacked her, shot her with the laser gun, and then tied her wrists to the ropes. They kept asking her where the belt was they needed for the galaxy, while slapping her. She tried to kick them, but they tied her feet up too, and put a ball gag in her mouth (a survey revealed that 58% of the men in the audience found this incredibly sexy; 92% for the women). After looking around the ring for items, they exited the ring and left the sexy referee tied to the ropes.

16. The Ladybug Transistor
"This Order Is Tall"  4:26
Beverley Atonale
New York, NY

Meanwhile, those involved in the brawl at the bar had serious charges they were facing; assault, and various other crimes—some felonies. One good thing about Midget Wrestling, when in comparison to other sports such as the NFL or NBA, when star players get arrested, it does not generate headline news. There is no disciplinary action pending from the league office, and the players are not facing suspension. Furthermore, due to the nature of the perceived crime, and given the circumstances, the leagues of midget wrestling are supportive to those who had been arrested. Rather than immediately assume the accused are automatically guilty, like those television viewers do whenever a football player is arrested, the league will fight and employ any means necessary for the charges to be acquitted.

Jacob Crosley refused to even listen to the options presented by the prosecution, but rather made his own demands. Either A.) Drop all charges immediately, and we all walk away from this. Or B.) We will counter attack with demands that all other participants involved in the brawl be arrested and charged with assault as well. Furthermore, because only one side of the feud was arrested, the side that contained African Americans and persons with dwarfism, we intend to file a discrimination suit against the state. Also, all authority representatives responsible for the arrest will be facing individual lawsuits, and we will request these individuals be removed from their appointed positions—including you (the prosecuting attorney).

15. Prefab Sprout
"Steal Your Thunder"  3:42
Andromeda Heights
Witton Gilbert, England

Based on numerous testimonials from witnesses, and because the prosecution purposely threw the case in order to gain five different guilty verdicts without facing a discrimination suit, Jolinda, Lamar, Luther N. Cox, Flyin’ Brian Valentine, Small Paul, and Chandler Killbody each had their cases completely dismissed on the grounds of self-defense. The five white guys were all found guilty. Although they did not receive any jail time, they received probation, excessive fines in which their parents paid for them, community service, and were banned from the aforementioned establishment for life. While it did not necessarily make headline news, the verdict marked major progress in terms of Civil Rights and the aforementioned establishment became known as the one place in Milwaukee where the douchy ordinaries were not granted domain, and no longer permitted to dictate standards for free thinking society.

14. The Geraldine Fibbers
"Butch"  6:10
Butch
Los Angeles, CA

Presenting…Midget Wrestling Ballet. Two Midget Wrestlers entered the ring in ballerina costumes and appeared as if they were doing ballet moves (albeit bizarre ballet). However, when the midget wrestler in the pink tutu tip toed towards the wrestler in the white garment, and gracefully jumped in the air…the wrestler in white caught him by the waist and then slammed his ass down on the canvas. After slamming him, he did a ballet move of his own, leaped into air, clicked heels, and landed elbow first into the pink ballerina’s chest. This went on for 6 minutes, and was extremely violent. While one of them would be twirling in the center of the ring like a ballerina, the other would fly off the ropes ballet style and drill the mother fucker. The match ended with the one in pink bouncing the one in white off the ropes, and while he was spinning gracefully after getting bounced from the ropes, the one in pink smashed him in the face with a garbage can lid; he pinned down the blood stained tutu and won the match.

13. The American Analog Set
"Where Have All The Good Boys Gone"  5:37
From Our Living Room To Yours
Fort Worth, TX/Austin, TX

A Midget Wrestler who gets in trouble with the IRS. Totally unexpected, Brian received a letter from the IRS that claimed he owed $7,000 in back taxes. This was totally impossible because he could not even recollect ever receiving that much money from the IRS. Furthermore, it’s not as if his tax money was doing anything to benefit him in their society. The IRS presented a questionable claim; Flyin’ Brian Valentine, the star champion, had claimed nearly the exact same earnings as Dirty Victor Sanchez, the obvious bad guy wrestler who had never won a single bout. The amount owed was fabricated as the IRS determined that the wrestling champions in these rehearsed performances of stunts and theatrics should, obviously, make more money than those who win less…like the NFL. In all of America, the only people who still claimed professional wrestling to be an actual sport rather than a performing art, just so happened to be the IRS. According to the IRS, Batman was real, and Christian Bale made significantly more money because Batman proved victorious over the Joker, even though Heath Ledger won the Academy Award.

12. Cornershop
"Good to Be on the Road Back Home"  5:45
When I Was Born for the 7th Time
London, England

Luther N. Cox stood in the ring dancing like a stripper. An attractive woman entered the ring and handed Luther N. Cox a one dollar bill. He stuffed the bill down the front of his pants and proceeded to give the woman a lap dance.

(Make way for a lady!) Two female Midget Wrestlers entered the ring, chased Luther N. Cox, and wore his ass out. One of the women snuck up from behind him and cracked him with a chair. They ran the other woman out of the ring, shouting obscenities at her, calling her a good for nothing ho, and other names like that. The referee attempted to restore order, but once again, the two female midget wrestlers tied her wrists to the ropes and ball gagged her (with females committing this assault, the numbers rose; 87% of males found this hot, 99% of females (supposedly, the one female who did not claimed to have had this happen in real life and found the experience to be a disappointment—unlike the time she was tied up and ball gagged in an Amish Village.))

11. Wu-Tang Clan
"Triumph"  5:38
Wu-Tang Forever
New York, NY

With the referee still tied up, the bars were raised…literally—Cage Match! Because there are no rules in a cage match, which this time resembled a jail cell, the referee remained tied up and was raised along with the bars. The bout featured two Midget Wrestlers dressed in orange jump suits vs. two Midget Wrestlers dressed as police. It was a most brutal cage event, and an assortment of weapons was also brought in for the fun. The police had the convicts cornered, but the criminals fought through the barricade, beat down the police with their own Billy clubs, and left them handcuffed to the jail cell. They untied the referee and carried her out of the cell. The bad guys got away. The crowd was cheering for the criminals anyway.

10. Jonathan Fire*Eater
"No Love Like That"  2:55
Wolf Songs for Lambs
Washington, DC

Tag team event featuring Small Paul and Dirty Victor Sanchez vs. Two Good Guys. The referee said she wanted a good clean fight, but instead received the opposite. She made several attempts to prevent the cheating, and even went so far as to scold them with harsh words for using illegal techniques such as biting, choking, poking in the eye, and tossing banana peels into the ring while the wrestlers were running across the ring preparing a vicious move. While the good guy wrestler in the corner was arguing with the referee, Victor Sanchez grabbed his partner from outside the ring and bit his ankle while Small Paul clobbered him over the head with a book. Since the referee wasn’t doing anything, the good guy raced around the ring and engaged in battle with Dirty Victor Sanchez outside the ring. The referee put a stop to the madness outside the ring as Small Paul was annihilating his opponent. Dirty Victor Sanchez tagged in, and the good guy attempted to run to his corner to tag out. However, Dirty Victor Sanchez had a tight grasp on the back of his tights, and Small Paul unleashed a pit of poisonous snakes near the corner causing the other good guy to run away. Unfortunately, after he raced away from the pit vipers, the other one was unable to tag, and Dirty Victor Sanchez won his first bout.

The funniest match of excessive cheating available on the internet.

9. Modest Mouse
"Cowboy Dan"  6:15
Lonesome Crowded West
Issaquah, WA

Despite all the oppression that those with dwarfism receive in everyday society, they are not considered a minority or a “tax write-off.” Also, due to the nature of their sport, it is difficult to classify this condition as a “disability” either. When people apply for jobs, there is questionnaire at the end that asks personal questions regarding race, gender, and age…they never ask “are you a midget?” Those with dwarfism receive zero tax benefits, and have to pay the exact same amount of taxes to live in a society that does nothing but ridicule and belittle them. Most would rather keep the money and govern their own society. But, if they have to pay equal taxes, then they deserve equal rights and equal treatment in society.

8. Yo La Tengo
"Deeper Into Movies"  5:23
I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One
Hoboken, NJ

As for the rest: Midget Wrestlers, their friends, the so-called “punks, niggers, faggots, and midgets” are forced to devote a portion of their small paychecks so their oppressors can live comfortably. At best, a few are able to slip through the cracks and enjoy massive success, while most others simply enjoy the status of “cult hero.” And they may be perceived as misfits on the city bus, but inside the ring, a select few ordinary people gradually become converted and heed some influence from the eccentric cult hero.

When surveyed, 97% of the audience claimed that all of the Midget Wrestlers were far more memorable than the programs they had watched on TV prior to selling it at the pawn shop in order to afford the tickets (average ticket price every place else is $15; 99% of those claimed the experience was more memorable than going to Applebee’s; the one who answered “no” has imaginary conversations with the employees at Applebee’s and claims the environment to be exactly like in the commercial.) Of the people who did not attend the event, which was 97% of the world, 43% of them are sitting at Applebee’s right now quoting a daytime talk show host t their friends. There has never been a midget daytime talk show host… been a shitload of fat ones though.

7. Prolapse
"Visa for Violet and Van"  5:57
The Italian Flag
Leicester, England

Throughout the night, a wide range of high flying acrobatic wrestling moves were exhibited. Wrestlers bouncing off the ropes, soaring into the air, body slamming each other, and transforming people into midgets with the usage of a dry cleaning press. The music was loud, fast, and furious; the audience was pumped and energetic. Being as this was the Hollywood-ized version of this event, it was being televised and broadcast at a local Applebee’s. The patrons who had been eating whatever that shit was they ordered, became unruly, began diving off of tables, and some hooligan bashed Aunt Wilma across the face with a basket of riblets.

6. Multiple Cat
"Contact"  5:13
Universe Shall Mean the Self
Quad City, IA

Despite the fact that Midget Wrestling achieves a sell-out crowd for every performance, the likelihood of any of the performers ever becoming renowned celebrities is extremely thin. This day and age, in order to become famous, you have to be as ordinary as possible; and the more ordinary you are, the more famous you will become. People who are grotesquely ordinary both mentally and in appearance will be awarded prestigious celebrity positions even if they are not qualified.

5. Oasis
"All Around The World"  9:20
Be Here Now
Manchester, England

Carrie Underwood, by being completely ordinary in ever regard, was awarded a recording contract; and she can’t sing, play instruments, or write quality songs…as if she’s an artist. Ordinary people become contestants on American Idol and poorly karaoke songs that were already bad to begin with. Television shows such as Jersey Shore and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia become hits despite the fact that none of the cast members have any superstar qualities. Daytime talk show hosts, news commentators, sports announcers, political commentators, and even “stars” of reality TV were awarded their positions just because they appear so ordinary… and are of no threat whatsoever to ever say anything outside of the norm. They are just regular average minded people exactly like the ones who appear in magazines such as Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, or whatever else is kept near the checkout stands that people see regularly, but rarely purchase (we have to wonder how these publications are making enough money to print so many magazines to be thrown away each week, and why they are so content wasting valuable resources such as a Rain Forest.) The people depicted in these magazines have looked exactly the same for well over 25 years (at least, that’s just all I can verify).

The media is channeling all forms of medium to the most ordinary people, including the writers. Ashley Fox was awarded the position as an NFL columnist for ESPN. Not only does she know nothing about football, she can’t even write—she’s borderline illiterate (began a recent article with “John Elway is a baller”). Her work is so bad, that a significant portion of the comments about her articles discuss how lame she is, how poorly written her articles are, refer to her as an amateur, and some become so infuriated they call her names and resort to sexist comments (she is really making life difficult for feminist writers). Ashley has since countered by having her friends and relatives post ridiculous comments, and their postings are almost as bad as hers. Her fan base is absolutely ridiculous, with one asinine meathead (an obvious relative) leaving a comment:

I really love the way you explain everything Ashley. It is an article very nice structured The syntax! I like the facts and the what you say about Elway and Manning! but the best of this article is that is so easy to read! It is like you are talking to us! Very light, very organized. You are a great professional. My Congrats..even if you do not read this.

Seriously? We have been reduced to this? An expert analysis that is so ordinary that people who leave comments refer to her on a first name basis; or, the people who leave comments are significantly better writers and more knowledgeable about the topic.

4. Portishead
"All Mine"  4:02
Portishead
Bristol, England

Two Midget Wrestlers disguised as frightening evil Oompa Loompas rolled Veronica back into the ring; Veronica was inflated, fat, and blue just like Violet in the movie. The mean Oompa Loompas tormented her and rolled her back and forth to each, kicking her in the air and bouncing her. After pestering her for several minutes and calling her ridiculous names, they tied her hands to the ropes and ball gagged her (When surveyed whether or not they found evil looking Oompa Loompas exhibiting bondage implications with somebody who had been inflated to resemble a bouncing blueberry, one person found it incredibly sexy; extra security has been placed in this person’s aisle and no one is sure if this person is a man or a woman). The two wrestlers climbed on the top ropes at opposite ends of the ring, leaped high into the air, and flying elbow dropped onto Veronica; the impact caused her to explode and disintegrate into massive amounts of blue slime and juice splattered all over the ring and into the audience.

3. The Sea and Cake
"The Argument"  5:03
The Fawn
Chicago, IL

Suddenly, the lights dimmed. Two little alien dudes entered the ring with lasers and shot the evil looking Oompa Loompas and disintegrated them. Small Paul and Dirty Victor Sanchez also entered the ring. The aliens took the microphone and demanded that Flyin’ Brian Valentine enter the ring and relinquish his belt or else the world was going to be destroyed. The crowd grew silent, but Ashley Fox offered some commentary: “Flyin’ Brian Valentine is a baller. This isn’t Gorilla Monsoon coming to town, this is Flyin’ Brian freaking’ Valentine.” The aliens looked at her dumbfounded. They pulled out their lasers and shot her ass, dropping her to the ground with smoke rising from her body. Muffled claps and cheers were heard from the audience, but the aliens fired another shot into the sky. The crowd remained quiet as the lights remained dim while the aliens awaited in the ring for Flyin’ Brian Valentine; talking trash the entire time.

2. The Dandy Warhols
"The Creep Out"  7:34
The Dandy Warhols Come Down
Portland, OR

Announcer: “Ladies and Gentlemen…the world Midget Wrestling Champion, Flyin;! Brian! Valentiiiiiinnnnnneeee!!!!!!!!

The music came on loud, and the display of colored lights circled the ring.

As the music was playing, Flyin’ Brian Valentine made his way through the audience, who cheered, snapped pictures, and gave high fives and pats on the back. Without hesitation, once they entered the ring, fast paced action ensued. Immediately, Brian snatched the laser guns from the aliens and beat them over the head with them. A handful of other wrestlers joined in and assisted with both sides. One of the good guys had an alien in a choke hold with the laser gun as Brian bashed them in the stomach. It was an all-out rumble that lasted well over 5 minutes. During this rumble, Small Paul had snatched a series of valuables from the good guy wrestlers (who carried them into the ring with them) and was collecting them into the corner (of course, after beating them over head with the hard blunt object.) Gradually, other participants would temporarily enter the chaos and carry somebody off; these people were also disguised as various good characters and evil caricatures. Until, all that was left was Small Paul and Flyin’ Brian Valentine with his championship belt.

Both of them showed off their best moves in rapid pace brilliance, exchanging mesmerizing blows and performing daredevil stunts. Small Paul attempted to snatch the belt from Flyin Brian, but he clutched it tightly. There was a tug of war over it, and Brian refused to release it. As Brian held the belt with both hands, defenseless, Small Paul utilized all of the other belongings he had collected and beat Brian down with each of them. Brian was down on the ground, clutching the belt, it was his most important possession, something he had worked for himself, and he was not about to relinquish it to a traitor working for aliens.

Brian stood up, took a few more blows, then turned around and bashed Small Paul across the head with the belt. Then he whacked him again with it. Then again. He swung the belt back and forth, striking Paul into the head, knocking him back into the corner, then finally down onto the ground with blood coming out of his head. The bloody Paul stuck his head through the ropes and reached out for the audience, as if asking for help. Instead, they all booed him. Brian apprehended Small Paul in the headlock, carried him to the top rope, held him straight up in the air, and they flipped off the top rope, soaring high into the air, then crashing onto the canvas.

However, upon landing, there was a massive explosion.

#1! Spiritualized
"Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space"  3:41
Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space
Rugby, England

The smoke finally cleared, Brian was sitting on the canvas and Small Paul had disappeared; he had been transformed back into Sara Jaymes. The dry cleaning press was once again on the stage. All the other Midget Wrestlers took the stage, ambushed Sara Jaymes, and stuffed her into the press iron. They shut the lid, steam emitted from the sides, and when they opened the lid, Veronica emerged. The crowd cheered loudly and gave a standing ovation.

During the process in which all of the Midget Wrestlers were taking a bow, Sara Jaymes emerged from a dumpster with Alex. When this happened, the crowd booed and threw beer cans at the two. Sara climbed out of the dumpster and hoisted out the nice end table. The crowd was still booing them. Miss Jaymes crashed Alex over the head with the end table. She did not know Alex was not a trained wrestler. It killed him, and she went to prison for murder.

END CREDITS. Prolapse
"Bruxelles"  5:54
The Italian Flag
Leicester, England

Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal

None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.

Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
Most characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.
Usage of actual historical figures not intended to be historically accurate.
Band info and images provided by rateyourmusic
Playlists created on 8tracks
There is no intended affiliation with any Midget Wrestling Committee of any sort.
All wrestling matches contained within are fictitious and fabricated. Any circumstance based on actual events or real people are not intended to be authentic...there is NO Midget Wrestling ballet, no champion named Flyin' Brian Valentine, and Sara Jaymes is not in prison for murder (at least not to my knowledge).
Midnight Cowboy reference written by James Leo Herlihy and/or Waldo Salt.
Toxic Avenger reference written by Lloyd Kaufman and Joe Ritter
Oompa Loompas created by Roald Dahl
"Fuck your couch" reference by David Chappelle & Charlie Murphy (see below)
Special thanks to Extreme Midget Wrestling Federation and all other leagues of Midget Wrestling

©2012




NC-17 Sountraxxx Best Songs of 1997: 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1

The 1:07 mark of this video is when I officially fell in love with the referee.


Fuck your couch!



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