Part 1: White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Part 2: A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Part 3: Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Part 4: Holiday Retail Employees Strike
Part 5: This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part 6: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Part 7: Some Bullshit About $230
Part 8: New Year's Resolution: Fire Your Own Voice of Reason
Part VI: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Press play on the image below to hear these songs while you read.
75. Black Lips
"Mr. Driver" 2:50
Most of these traditional Christmas songs have no meaning whatsoever. And the newer ones, they are even worse. I don’t see why there has to be 12 days of Christmas, one is more than plenty. Shit, with 12 days, white people be so in debt, no wonder the economy collapsed. But, by the middle of December, I was so sick and tired of hearing about Frosty, Santa, Rudolph, and all these other Christmas niggers. These are all some strange mother fuckers if you ask me. Freaky sons of bitches at that, and the songs do nothing to help their reputation.
"White Rune" 2:41
The ultimate conspiracy theory is that Santa is actually Jesus who grew older after he was resurrected from the dead. Rumor had it, that after he came back from the dead, he moved up to the North Pole to avoid any more confrontation with the Romans—being crucified once was enough. As he aged, and that beard turned white, Jesus, now named Santa Claus, devoted his life to doing only good things, and giving poor children special presents on his own birthday, Christmas. This prevented the other people from having to go out shopping. That is the ultimate conspiracy, which is far different from the more popular theory, the one supported in the all the songs.
"Behold a Marvel in the Darkness" 3:29
Deerhoof vs. Evil
San Francisco, CA
The most common conspiracy theory is that Santa is actually Satan, with just some of the letters arranged. Many of the songs back this fabrication because it appears as if Santa was originated to instill fear into children. However, the notion was adopted that Santa only encouraged good in people, and rewarded them fully with wonderful gifts; unlike the ideology in which Satan was derived. However, many religious fundamentalists support the notion of American capitalism, which we all know, God supports as well. Santa had a bunch of elves make the toys, which is far worse than outsourcing those positions to China or Mexico. Since Santa refused to shop at places such as Wal Mart, Linens N Things, or Toys R Us—quality American corporations, then, yes, Santa may be Satan.
72. The Antlers
"I Don't Want Love" 3:19
New York, NY
But, if Santa were Satan, according to The Bible, Santa would not give nice presents and gifts to children who had been good. No, he would induce punishment on those who had been bad. If little Eddie decided to do bad things, like pout over some bullshit at the grocery store, he would be condemned into the fiery pits of Hell later that evening…and his little sister, who had been good, wouldn’t receive shit…she just wouldn’t go to hell. Her little monkey ass would have to wait until she died and went to heaven before receiving any gifts. As a result, we might have to rule out Santa being Satan due to the fact that there are contradictions in both stories.
71. Delicate Steve
You better watch out though. This is a warning, not a jingle. You better not pout, you better not shout, and your stupid ass certainly better not cry mother fucker. Why? Don’t worry about the police, your parents, the boogey man, none of that shit. Santa Claus, mother fucker, is coming to town. And if you’ve been bad, Santa will fuck you up…this is a threat, not a jingle.
70. The Beets
"Pops N' Me" 1:45
New York, NY
It was believed that Santa would come down the chimney with a machine gun and blow away entire families if Herbie Jr. had been bad. Santa represented the ultimate element of fear, and was a cat not to be fucked with. Furthermore, this nigger knew everything. He had tracking devices, and technology so advanced he could bust mother fuckers doing bad things all the way from the North Pole. That shitty ass ghost in Paranormal Activity III, Jason, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger…none of them had shit on Santa Claus. Kids that were bad were often slain right in their own living rooms, butchered underneath the tree, and their heads stuffed into the stockings with care.
69. The Limiñanas
"Je Suis Une Go-Go Girl" 4:04
Being affiliated with the ultimate badass, Mrs. Claus became the ultimate sex symbol. She could be seen wearing a tight black leather skirt, torn black stockings, and hi-heeled boots sliding down the North Pole. Mrs. Claus smoked cigarettes, and possessed that ultimate bad girl image. Her heels on her boots were so high, so pointy, that she could smash little kids’ faces in if they were bad…and put cigarettes out on them. Unfortunately, many children began indulging into fantasies about Mrs. Claus and would purposely be bad with hopes that Mrs. Claus would come over and beat them; this would be far better than getting a bunch of lame ass Tonka trucks.
68. Nicolas Jaar
"Keep Me There" 5:22
Space Is Only Noise
New York, NY
The image of Santa is that of a pedophile. He watches little boys while they are sleeping, and knows when the little girls are awake. If that isn’t bad enough, Santa gets drunk and purposely goes to the mall just to have children sit on his lap and discuss ultimate gift ideas. Santa, like so many other pedophiles, attempts to lure children onto his lap with candy and other toys for them to play with. However, with Santa, this form pedophilia is accepted in society; but only around Christmas. Whenever people dress like Santa and insist children sit on their laps for a free candy cane in the middle of June, they are arrested and listed in the sex offender registry.
"Hamilton Road" 2:25
Ducktails III: Arcade Dynamics
If Frosty were to come to life today, it would be even more frightening than Santa coming down the chimney with a machine gun. The moment a snowman came to life, kids would scream in terror, and more than likely the overly protective suburbanite parents would go into a state of panic. One snowman came to life in downtown Cincinnati, and the police gunned him down in the middle of Vine Street. This was around the same time the lootings and rioting began after the holiday strike.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…oh what a shock it was to find, that Santa was a gay!
66. Family Portrait
"Interlude 1: Never Should've Been There" 5:29
Santa was standing in the kitchen, wearing his traditional red suit, but with no pants, and a thong bikini. He looked like Santa, still had a beard. In order to resolve another crisis, another Santa came down the steps. He looked exactly like the other Santa, same white beard, fat, everything. Only, this Santa was wearing a red vest with nothing underneath it; his chest oiled up with baby oil. “Ho Ho Ho, faggot,” one Santa cheerfully said to the other. The two Santas embraced in a passionate kiss, interchanging tongues, groping each other’s buttocks. Soon, Santa was undressed from his Christmas suit and mounted reindeer style on the work station.
65. Keren Ann
"Strange Weather" 5:25
Rudolph was one of the first demonstrations of racism. Due to the fact that he had a red nose, his ass was often oppressed and not permitted to associate with the others…he had to sit on the back of the bus. But, Santa was one of the pioneers of Civil Rights, and pulled what rednecks refer to as one of the first ever acts of Affirmative Action. Santa chose Rudolph, who had been repeatedly harassed by the North Pole police, as the one to guide the sleigh. The other reindeer claimed they were more qualified, and Santa only hired Rudolph in order to promote minority hiring. However, Rancino was not more qualified, and he became the venison supper of the Harrison’s Christmas dinner.
64. Charles Bradley
"I Believe In Your Love" 3:55
No Time for Dreaming
Gainesville, FL/New York, NY
As times grew more difficult, Santa sometimes had to resort to eating venison in order to survive. One night, he ducked down behind some bushes with his hunting rifle, saw the glowing red nose grazing on some grass, pulled the trigger, and that was the end of Rudolph. Santa claimed that because he had a red nose, the meat was more tender. He definitely tasted significantly better than Dondor.
63. Thurston Moore
Coral Gables, FL/Northampton, MA
The racism in the reindeer world did a complete one-eighty. As time progressed, Rudolph was the only reindeer with any significant historical value. He somewhat became sort of a ruler, a king, a cliché. All of the other reindeers were completely forgotten about, and lived as peasants in the shadow of Rudolph. Rumor had it that Rudolph eventually sought revenge on the other reindeer and ordered them into camps. He would conduct medical experiments on Vixen and Blitzen while he lived in a palace abusing his power. Furthermore, Rudolph represented in the reindeer community that upper 1%, as he held all the power, and controlled the economy.
62. Asobi Seksu
New York, NY
The other reindeer weren’t shit without Rudolph, supposedly. Rudolph was the face of the kingdom, and on the covers of all the currency. He ordered all of the other reindeer to bow to him, refer to him as Master Rudolph, and created an abundance of laws in order to cripple the free will of the other reindeer. However, it became apparent that Rudolph’s red nose only had value when it was foggy. Furthermore, it was now 2011, headlights were easily available, and the elves had a large quantity of them in the workshop. A rebellion was long overdue.
61. Beady Eye
Different Gear, Still Speeding
Hence came the operation, Occupy The North Pole. Disgusted with the clay figure animation series, a flag was created depicting a clay version of Rudolph being squished by a Coca Cola Polar Bear. Santa attempted to maintain some order, but it was no use. Rudolph’s palace was overthrown, and Rudolph was exiled from The North Pole; he now lives in South Carolina, is a raging alcoholic, and known simply as Rudolph the Redneck Reindeer. Each year at Christmas, an election is held as to who guides Santa sleigh, and should fog occur, an elf—the one who was crowned Employee of the Month for December, rides on top of the head reindeer with a special lighting device made in the workshop.
60. Cymbals Eat Guitars
"Definite Darkness" 4:53
New York, NY
Word had it on the streets that Santa had gone soft in his older age. There were numerous children who had been bad all year, yet they were still getting presents for Christmas. Several years ago, however, Santa had a mid-life crisis and ordered the elves to manufacture a sporty hot-rod sleigh in order for Santa to be able to attract younger, naughty girls. The ploy worked to some degree, and before too long, Santa had a younger, hotter, Mrs. Claus…although many suggest that she was a genuine bitch and it was she who wore the pants in the family. Furthermore, Santa lost many of his freedoms, and had to be home by a certain hour each night, even on Christmas. He even had to get rid of his Evil Queen from Snow White sex doll.
59. White Fence
"Your Last Friend Alive" 2:52
...Is Growing Faith
Los Angeles/San Francisco, CA
The new Mrs. Claus was fed up with the overly kind tactics being employed by Santa, for she felt that he was being far too lenient on the bad children. She came down the steps one Christmas Eve and found Santa loading up his sleigh. Once again, the sleigh was being filled with gifts, too many gifts, for too many undeserving children. She immediately thought to herself: “fucking white people! Every year, white people just be wasting money at Christmas time…my sorry ass two bit good for nothing husband included.”
58. Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
"Brain Gallop" 5:03
Stockton, CA/Portland, OR
Mrs. Claus stormed into the room and asked: “Santa! What the fuck are you doing?” She yanked the list out of Santa’s grasp and looked at it. “No, fuck this shit! I’m delivering the mother fucking Christmas presents this year—not your monkey ass! Now, I’m going to make a list…and I’m gonna check it twice…nice kids are going to get something, and these naughty little mother fuckers ain’t gonna get shit!” Santa merely replied, “ho ho ho.” Mrs. Claus grabbed her own crotch and shouted, “yea, ho ho on this, nigger!”
57. Tom Waits
"Hell Broke Luce" 3:57
Bad As Me
Anticipating a household of gifts from Santa, instead, it was Mrs. Claus who came down the chimney. Rather than leave presents under the tree, she stormed into the children’s bedroom and kicked their beds. “Get your asses out of bed! Get up!” She ordered all of the children in the Davidson household out into the living room and stood them up in a line. “Where’s my fucking cookies?” she asked with an angry tone.
56. The Babies
"Run Me Over" 2:41
New York, NY
Now y’all little mother fuckers ain’t getting shit for Christmas! None of you little sacks of shit have been anywhere near good this year. Lisa, quit crying! I don’t give a fuck that you’re only six years old, it’s time for you to learn how to behave. You can’t go crying whenever you don’t get what you want. Lisa continued to cry. Give me my fucking water hose. Mrs. Claus yanked the water hose from down the chimney and sprayed the children until they were soaking wet and shivering. Next time your asses will know how to behave in the grocery store.
55. Tim Cohen
"Don't Give Up" 2:52
San Francisco, CA
Mrs. Claus invaded the bedroom of little Austin Junior. She jumped up on his bed, got on top of him, and woke him up. He was excited to see Mrs. Claus. However, Mrs. Claus yanked the pillow from underneath his head and remained on top of him. “Your little ass got an F in your math class! Explain.” The child attempted to say something, and Mrs. Claus interrupted, “shut up nigger! I know when you’re lying. You got an F because you’re too fucking lazy to do your homework. You little son of a bitch!” Mrs. Claus pressed the pillow firmly against Austin Junior’s face, and kept pushing with both hands—suffocating Austin Junior. The child began flopping, flailing, and gasping for breath. Mrs. Claus let up, and stated, “you get grades up, I’ll be back with the X-Box you wanted. Until then, you ain’t getting shit.”
San Francisco, CA
Outside, the parking police was writing Mrs. Claus a ticket and a tow truck was being attached to the reindeer. “I know you ain’t fixing to tow my reindeer!” The parking police claimed she was parked in a forbidden zone and the sleigh was being towed and she would have to pick up the reindeer from impound. “Hell no!” Mrs. Claus simply flew off and went straight to the police department. All of the Christmas decorations were ripped down, and none of their children received any gifts whatsoever.
53. The Feeling Of Love
"666 Blank Girls" 3:21
Get me that nigger Rudolph. She whistled, and then called Rudolph on his cell phone. Apparently, this little mother fucker was about to be employed again. I got a job for that drunk mother fucker. She told the other reindeer not to worry, his drunk ass was going to be in the back. Sure enough, Rudolph showed up, staggering drunk, and Mrs. Claus attached him to the back of the sleigh. Fucking police department, I’ll show them mother fuckers!
52. White Hills
"Upon Arrival" 5:18
New York, NY
Mrs. Claus pulled up to the next block and parked the sleigh right directly in the fire lane. She got off the sleigh, and turned Rudolph around so that he was facing away from the sleigh, at the road that was behind them. After she had Rudolph facing traffic, she kicked the mother fucker right in the ass as hard as she could. After Rudolph was kicked, his red nose started flashing. There mother fuckers! There’s my emergency flashers. Being free from getting ticketed by the police, Mrs. Claus could be heard wreaking havoc in all of the households amidst children crying because they were not receiving any toys this year.
51. Der Blutharsch And The Infinite Church of The Leading Hand + Aluk Todolo
"A Collaboration II" 10:48
This woman died in a car accident, Debra Adams. However, she was an organ donor. She was young and her organs were in good condition. They were able to save her heart and use it for an operation. Two people were in need of a heart this Christmas. One was Victor Rogers, age 71, multi-millionaire. The other was Lucy Stephens, age 10, her family not exactly rich. The heart was given to Victor Rogers, the rich man, who basically bought the heart, and left little Lucy to die.
However, this was met with much protest. Victor was in the upper 1%, Lucy was not. But, Lucy was only 10, and this meant she had not had the opportunity to live. Most people felt that Lucy should have been awarded the heart, not some old rich guy. It was debated in the media.
Victor Rogers, however, eventually sided with the supporters of Lucy. He changed his mind, and paid an enormous amount of money for, count them, three operations. First, Debra Adams’ heart was to be removed from Victor Rogers. 2nd, Victor Rogers was to have his old heart back into his chest. 3rd, the heart of Debra Adams was to be placed in little Lucy Stephens.
All operations were a success.
The very next Christmas, Victor Rogers’ heart finally gave way. He was on his deathbed, for he never received another heart donation. In a last grasp of breath, he prayed for a new heart.
The words: “you had your chance…nigger” shun brightly in his hospital room.
The room trembled, and Debra Adams rose from the dead, a zombie. With her grotesque looking face and evil smile, she approached Victor Rogers and informed him… “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but you turned around the very next day, and gave it away to someone special.”
Mrs. Claus entered the hospital room with little Lucy, who had been bad. “Bitch! You’re still harping on about last Christmas! Get your monkey ass out of here!” Mrs. Claus proceeded to beat Debra Adams of the head with a frying pan and knocked her back down into the hole in which she came from. She ripped the heart out of little Lucy, “and take your fucking heart with you!” She threw the heart down into the pit, and then shoved Lucy down the hole on top of them. She walked over to the bed in which Victor was lying and pulled the lever raising Victor Rogers upright. “And take this nigger with you!” She pulled the lever and Victor was ejected from the bed and into the hole where flames erupted into the room.
What the world had suspected, God had always been a woman. Satan was a woman too, and went under the moniker Mrs. Claus.
NC-17 Soundtraxxx Songs of 2011: 200-176 175-151 150-126 125-101 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1 + The Top 25 Albums of 2011