Part 1: White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Part 2: A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Part 3: Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Part 4: Holiday Retail Employees Strike
Part 5: This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part 6: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Part 7: Some Bullshit About $230
Part 8: New Year's Resolution: Fire Your Own Voice of Reason
Part I: White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Press play to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
"If You Wanna" 2:54
What Did You Expect From The Vaccines
You have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work.
Priscilla repeated that same line over and over, in the exact same kind, pleasant, monotonous voice to each member of the African village as she walked around, standing over each one’s shoulder, giving each person a specific set of instructions for packaging their pottery.
You have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work.
199. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
"My Terrible Friend" 3:11
New York, NY
Voontoonki struggled putting the clay bowl into a package. Priscilla walked up behind him, and kindly stated, you have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work. But, Priscillia may not have been saying this at all. The language she speaks is unknown to most, she is a member of some small tribe in Africa. As she walks around and says whatever the fuck it is she is saying, the interpreter states with each sentence: you have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work…Priscilla says.
198. Gang Gang Dance
New York, NY
The white people just showed up mysteriously one day at the village. They brought with them recording devices, cameras, and all sorts of other materials to produce a television series. The tribe had never seen white people, and had not summoned them for any assistance whatsoever. The white people were just suddenly there, and for what appeared no reason at all. It is unknown why they selected this village in particular, or how they even knew of its’ existence.
197. Buck 65
"Whispers Of The Waves" 4:18
20 Odd Years
Mt. Uniake, Nova Scotia Canada
I get mad whenever I see documentaries where white people mysteriously show up in tribal communities. I do not believe the interpreter can even speak the language. You see some random guy from the village, and he starts talking some bullshit in the native language, and they always seem to be speaking fast short words with run-on sentences. “ger mer ner mer de ble en ine dot donc ler ge to dte tel deick dee jfer jer mer gee net…” As the native is speaking, after a few sentences, some fucking white bitch starts talking over him, interpreting what he is supposedly saying: “Tookiwan says, there is a great storm coming, and more than likely the entire village will be wiped out because of famine. We need you white people to send us $8 in the mail so that our people can be saved.”
"A Vanishing Act" 6:09
I do not believe this is what Tookiwan said at all. Somewhere in the midst of this, Tookiwan laughed about something, yet this shit the white bitch was talking about is not very funny. I want to know what Tookiwan really said. It might really be funny. What the fuck do the tribal natives joke about anyway? Often when they speak the native language sentences, ger mer mer mer ner mer…ha hahahaha, they laugh about something. Many of them have puzzling looking smiles, with teeth missing. Their faces are rugged.
195. The Joy Formidable
The Big Roar
Please send $8. You can save an entire village that these fucking honkeys mysteriously embarked upon. For $8, you will feel the joy and happiness of knowing you have affected the lives of a family. And for the $8, you can adpot the family. We will send a photo of Tookiwan, all of Tookiwan’s children- sitting in the middle of a dirt field with flies buzzing around them, and a picture of Tookiwan’s wife, walking through the village carrying a heavy clay pot on her head.
194. Red Fang
Murder the Mountains
Why the fuck are the white people here video taping them? You don’t see the villagers coming over to the suburban community with video equipment taping white people on Black Friday. Look at all these white people. This is a big sale for many of them. You must send $8 so Harold can buy Loretta a nice gift for Christmas.
193. My Morning Jacket
Who are all these white people? Did a group of white people just show up someplace and decide that these people need $8. They took photos, and now are selling the pictures for $8. The $8 will probably never go to these villagers, it’s going to the white people. What the fuck are they going to do with $8? There aren’t any stores around for miles. Here’s $8, go to the mall and buy some shit. Fuck no! There is no mall. There is no place within miles that even accepts currency, U.S. currency at that. The $8 is going to the group of white people who mysteriously showed up, and they are going to go someplace and spend the $8 on shit they think the villagers need. Useless shit, like potpourri.
Well Spent Youth
Frankfurt, Germany/Hamburg, Germany
Tookiwan just went over and took a shit, outside, and then just got back up and returned to the group. He did not even wipe his ass because they have no toilet paper, none of them have ever even seen toilet paper. Do you know how nasty that ass is by now? Send the mother fuckers $8 so they can buy a family pack of toilet paper, that’s what they really need. And, the bitch can walk around and explain to them how to use the bathroom tissue. You have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work.
"Owl Stretching Time" 7:41
Every year at Christmas, white people just be wasting money. Every year, EVERY GOD DAMN YEAR- White people be spending money they ain't even got...on shit they don't even need... for mother fuckers they don't even like. White people often buy useless gifts, and these gifts are for people they feel they have to buy something for. It must be demoralizing to receive such gifts as these. Candles are a fine example of these types of gifts. Yankee candles at that. If there is some cracker that mother fuckers feel as if they have to buy something for, it usually ends up being a candle.
The World Is Yours
Loretta has received 237 candles and has not ever even used one. She has an entire closet full of candles that people buy her for Christmas every single year, and all of them are still in the package. People buy Loretta candles because she is a fat greasy bitch. Her house stinks like shit and is infested with roaches. Maybe people buy her candles because her house stinks so bad, or maybe it stinks because she never lights candles. The house is a mess too. Nobody ever even goes over to Loretta’s house anymore. Having Christmas dinner at Loretta’s house is out of the question too.
189. The Low Anthem
"Ghost Woman Blues" 4:19
She cooks something every year though, and has the nerve to bring the shit over to the family dinner. Nobody ever eats the shit though, its fucking gross. Loretta buys presents for all the kids, and they are useless as fuck. However, they pretend to be nice to her…go tell Aunt Loretta thanks, be nice to Aunt Loretta, play with that shit…at least while Aunt Loretta is here.
188. Iron And Wine
"Godless Brother In Love" 3:50
Kiss Each Other Clean
Columbia, SC/Dripping Springs, TX
The moment Aunt Loretta leaves, whatever shit she bought for the kids is immediately disposed of in the Goodwill pile. There is a whole bunch of crap lying around the house that Aunt Loretta assumed would be nice gifts, but they are all worthless. However, Loretta claimed they were nice gifts, and even asks about how much use they got out of them next year at Christmas.
"Black Metal Scythe" 4:02
Loretta gets pissed off because she cooks some elegant side dish and buys these God damn spoiled ass kids nice gifts every year, and all anyone ever gives her is fucking candles. The whole way home, she bitches to whoever about how she is not appreciated and next Christmas she is not getting shit for anybody. One evening, she stopped by a dumpster and simply tossed the candles in the trash…not knowing she just threw right on top of all the junk she bought for those fucking dumbass kids.
"Natalia's Song" 4:04
The native tribe came over and filmed a documentary about this dysfunctional family. Loretta came over with that shit that she cooked, and wouldn’t anybody even eat it. There was an entire family of starving African children, they looked at the dish, and they wouldn’t even eat it either. Father explained to the children what this dish consisted of…ger mer mer merm mer get mer tner mtere… “Tookiwan says this shit is fucking gross. Whatever fat foolish bitch cooked this shit must have some sort of mental disorder. Hahahaha. People in our village wouldn’t even eat this shit even if the whole village was wiped out by a drought. It is in the same kind of clay pot like we make though. She must have received it in the mail. Sideways. You have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work.
185. Oh No! Oh My!
"No Time For Talk" 4:02
Finally, Harold goes apeshit on Loretta. Loretta, what the fuck is this shit that have cooked again? Loretta, nobody eats this shit. Fuck…nobody even knows what the fuck this shit even is. The only thing I would use this shit for is to hang drywall with. You stink like shit Loretta. Why the fuck don’t you clean your house? We buy you candles every year, that’s a hint.
"Somwhere Strange" 5:45
Lights and Offerings
Fuck you Harold! I buy these kids of yours nice presents every year. And this is what I get in return. You’re a faggot Harold!
183. The Black Keys
"Gold On The Ceiling" 3:44
The natives have filmed the documentary, videotaping the argument. One native listens to Harold’s retort for a moment, then interprets the lash at Loretta. “Harold lermer, der mer mer ner keg ekrelg ekr del kler Loretta dre der dlol oeo fer HAHAHA ler ler mer ner ter mer.”
Red Barked Tree
For $8, you can have Loretta. Not just a photo, you get the whole deal. You get her stupid ass kids, because its highly doubtful any of them will ever get a real job anyway. And, as a bonus, you get this pot of shit that Loretta cooked. However, there is no husband. But, you also get 237 candles from Yankee Candle company. All for $8.
"Unter Dem Gletscher" 8:25
Sól I - Der Dorn Im Nebel
Shortly after Christmas, the family received a card containing $8. Loretta, her damn useless kids, that pot of shit she cooked, and 237 Yankee Candles were packaged up and sent off to Ethiopia. Not long after that, the pot full of shit was returned, untouched, with a note that read: “we don’t want this shit. You keep it.” The worst part of the pot of shit was packaging it to return in the mail. It wouldn’t fit in the box. That cracker had to tell them: “you have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work.” Loretta is a mail order bride. Bitch.
180. The Sand Band
"Open Your Wings (Interlude)" 5:49
All Through The Night
The waning moments of Loretta’s life as a mail order bride were met with much sadness. Like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the native tribes’ people did let Loretta join in any of the tribal festivities; they certainly did not let her cook. Having Loretta prepare the food was far too dangerous. Just one of Loretta’s side dishes could potentially stricken the entire village with some unknown disease that could jeopardize the lives of everyone. Der mer mermer ner mer ner mer… Tokiwan says, “Loretta, just stay in the hut ya old fat hag. The children mustn’t be exposed to your food. Your side dishes are contaminated with cholera.”
179. Gruff Rhys
"Take A Sentence" 3:05
Soon, they allowed Loretta to make objects out of clay. As Christmas time neared, Loretta devised the idea that she could make candles out of clay and give them as gifts to the other people in the tribe. She made hundreds of them, and gave them to every person in the community. “What is this?,” the tribes’ people would ask. It is a candle, here, I made it for you. My people give these as gifts to fuckheads they generally do not care much for, but feel they have to buy them something.
178. Long Distance Calling
"Into The Black Wide Open" 8:26
The villagers had seen the documentary about how white people just be wasting money every year at Christmas. But, we do not want these stupid ass candles. And one day, the entire tribe packed up their belongings, and travelled across the great desert, often through treacherous territories, just to find the closest mall. The journey was a long one, but the mission was one of utmost importance. They carried with them the sacred statue of Lord Voowilliku, as the Gods would guide them to the mall.
"The White Bird" 7:10
At the mall, the white lady accompanied them to the customer service desk. Ger mer mer mer mer ner mer mer ner me vlck clk won dee do. Tookiwan says: “We do not want these foolish items. Some fat white lady made them, they are useless to our village. We fear they may be contaminated with cholera, like her casserole. We wish to exchange the mysterious objects in return for $8.
176. Tartar Lamb
"Polyimage Of Known Exits, 4th Movement" 11:59
Polyimage Of Known Exits
Back at the village, Loretta constructed the world’s largest candle out of clay. She carried it around the dirty community on top of her head…all the while her saggy ass titties were dropping out. The candle must have caught the attention of a documentary viewer in upstate Wisconsin. Loretta, with the candle, was purchased for $8. The woman helped Loretta pack her luggage, for the candle was difficult to fit into the suitcase. Tookiwan says: “you have to put it in sideways, or else it isn’t going to work.” But, it finally fit, and before long, Loretta was travelling back to the land in which she came from. The villagers were happy to see her go. She could not wait to show the children the extra large candle she constructed out of clay. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
NC-17 Soundtraxxx Songs of 2011: 200-176 175-151 150-126 125-101 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1 + The Top 25 Albums of 2011
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