Part 1: White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Part 2: A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Part 3: Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Part 4: Holiday Retail Employees Strike
Part 5: This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part 6: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Part 7: Some Bullshit About $230
Part 8: New Year's Resolution: Fire Your Own Voice of Reason
Part II: A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Press play to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
Wars of the Roses
These days, it has become popular to do holiday shopping online. A person can simply go on the internet, select the desired gifts, and even have it sent to the recipient of the gift. This is marvelous because it requires no standing in line, no hassle with stores, and even omits interaction with the person receiving the gift. Because, let’s face it, you don’t really want to see these people anyway. Or, there is that possibility that there is simply not enough time or too many obstacles to see everybody, considering when many of these assholes have moved all the way across to the other side of town, mainly to avoid ever running into you so frequently.
174. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead
"Fall Of The Empire" 2:28
Tao Of The Dead
People mail all sorts of wonderful gift ideas simply by using the internet. Gift baskets containing cheese and sausage have become a popular gift item recently. Another great feature is the ability to simply purchase items of another person’s wishlist on various sites where this feature is available. Many white people will buy every single item on another person’s wishlist and send them the entire wishlist. Value: $3,875, and they haven’t even seen cousin Mary in 14 years. By February, however, they will be millions of dollars in debt just because they are white and wasted so money on useless gifts at Christmas time. Oh well, Aunt Patty got that blender she had been desperately needing for so long. In fact, she received 14,000 of them. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
173. No Joy
"You Girls Smoke Cigarettes?" 2:19
Montreal, QC Canada
At this juncture in life, stores are almost considered obsolete. However, people still go to stores anyway. And many of these people have no idea how to act in public, and impose senseless questions on the misfortunate souls who are forced to deal with these imbeciles simply to put a roof over their heads. Or, in some cases, many of the employees are merely holiday help who are attempting to earn some extra cash so that they can purchase $286,000 worth of shit from Aunt Martha’s wishlist on Linens N Things. With the $383 they earned from gift wrapping at the mall this year, that means this person will only be $285,617 in debt from charging all of the items on Aunt Martha’s Linens N Things’ wishlist.
172. Zola Jesus
Phoenix, AZ/Los Angeles, CA
One marvelous idea for a gift this holiday season is the gift of mail order brides. Rather than go to the mall and buy Uncle Charlie a ton of shit from Bath and Body Works (normally shit the person would rather have for herself but assumes all people have the exact same desires as she), a person can now go online, and the end of Uncle Charlie’s lonliness is simply one click away. For Uncle Charlie, this is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
171. Youth Lagoon
The Year of Hibernation
Unfortunately, there is much trickiness when shopping for a mail order bride as a gift idea. For one, they can be very expensive…even for white people standards. Another obstacle, is selecting the proper shipping method, for, a mail order is indeed a perishable item. As of yet, most mail order brides web sites are not equipped with a wishlist option, and it may be difficult to know exactly what sort of mail order bride your co-worker Luther may be interested in, though this feature is coming soon.
170. Chapel Club
"Paper Thin" 4:45
Gift wrapping the mail order may be difficult also. Some people will simply have the mail order bride sent to their own house, gift wrap the mail order bride, and simply place her underneath the tree until cousin Larry shows up for the holidays. It’s very important to know, however, that the mail order bride present underneath the tree requires watering about as frequently as a live tree itself. Most people simply put the mail order bride in a box with an assortment of power bars and other such necessities so that she will not starve to death should cousin Larry encounter any unexpected delays during the holiday season.
"City on Stilts" 3:49
If you want the mail order bride to be a surprise, occasionally you may have to kick the box, and order the bitch inside to shut the fuck up until she is opened. Some people have stated that tying a scarf into the mouth of the bride and concealing it with duct tape has been an effective means of keeping the bitch quiet. The last thing anybody wants is some hoe making a lot of noise underneath the tree. And considering how much these things cost, the mail order bride is normally a special gift that gets opened last.
168. Secret Cities
While a mail order bride makes a wonderful gift, there have been some issues in the past. Cousin Chester ordered a mail order bride, and was not home when the package arrived. A signature was not required, and FedEx simply left the mail order bride setting on the porch in her packaging crate. Being as Cousin Chester has struggled with crack addiction his entire life, Chester did not exactly live in a peaceful neighborhood. Cousin Chester’s mail order bride was stolen off of his porch, and the perpetrators were never caught. To make matters worse, Cousin Chester did not select the insurance option and had to purchase a different mail order bride. The whereabouts of his purchase remains unknown.
"Good Times" 4:51
Doug purchased a mail order bride for himself and eagerly awaited her arrival. However, when she arrived, the company had committed an error and accidentally sent the wrong one. Not satisfied with the condition of the mail order bride he received, Doug simply put her back in the styrofoam casing, placed her back in the box, and left her setting out on the porch with the words: “return to sender” written on the box. In the meantime, he cleaned his garage…all the while the wrong bride sat inside the box on the porch.
166. Blue Sky Black Death
"Sleeping Children Are Still Flying" 6:01
San Francisco, CA/Seattle, WA
Marvin opted to have his mail order bride sent UPS ground rather than spend the extra money for next day delivery. Ground shipments may take quite a long time, and unfortunately for Marvin, this was one of the occasions. By the time the package arrived, the mail order bride was dead. Inside the box was merely a skeleton embedded in cobwebs. Although the company promptly refunded his money, the smell of the decomposed mail order corpse lingered in his home for months. It was difficult to explain to guests where the smell originated.
165. Levin Torn White
"Sleeping Horse" 4:42
Levin Torn White
Boston, MA/Amityville, NY/Pelton, UK
Due to the fact that some people are ashamed of purchasing a mail order bride, a majority of the packages have to come in discreet unidentifiable packaging. This represents a dilemma for the mail order bride companies, for they are not able to freely advertise their products the same way companies such as Best Buy are able. There has been a huge marketing campaign to take the shame out of mail order bride shopping, but so far, has been met with much failure. It is also difficult for those who wish to purchase mail order brides for Christmas presents because due to lack of advertising, the average person has no idea where to shop for one. They are left asking the employees at Sears in the mall where the mail order bride section is located.
164. Teenage Panzerkorps
"Praying Backwards" 2:46
San Francisco, CA
Unlike shoes, where manufacturers create thousands, even millions, of the exact replica of one particular style, in some cases, there are not many options in the preferred styles of mail order brides. If a particular design is featured in the catalogue, once she is sold out, there are no more of her available; except in cases of… (insert your preferred racial joke of “all these people are exactly alike” here). Victor wanted one this color, this exact size, this exact style…Veronica, page 42 of the mail order bride catalogue, but she was purchased already. But, Victor was prepared, for he knew his next best option was Helen, very close in style. Edgar was not prepared, he wanted Veronica, and then made a snappy decision with Elanor, who happened to be listed on the same page as Veronica. Edgar is not happy and how has herpes. Howard was the one who received Veronica…this is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
163. Tim Hecker
"In The Fog III" 5:01
Vancouver, BC/Montreal, QC Canada
Like all mail order items, there is a possibility the product may arrive damaged. Even though the package has been labeled “fragile”, freight handlers will still carelessly toss the packages containing the mail order brides. However, if people were less conscietious about their purchases, allow the mail order bride companies to advertise and not be so discreet, the packages containing the mail order brides would be forcefully thrown down conveyor belts less frequently. As a result, it is always a good idea to examine the mail order bride for damages upon arrival, or before gift wrapping. Unfortunately, Uncle Clyde sent my Cousin Ernie a mail order bride for Christmas, and when she arrived, some of her limbs had been smashed and started to turn green. Cousin Ernie did not have health insurance, and could not receive a handjob from his new bride until after Easter.
162. Julianna Barwick
"White Flag" 4:53
The Magic Place
Louisiana/New York, NY
Another item to consider is living in a community in which Santa exists. You have to remember, this nigger comes down a chimney and has all of the presents in a sack. This represents great danger. To begin, on the way down the chimney, Santa is liable to smash the bride’s head up against the bricks and end up leaving some dead bitch under the tree. One of the brides got burnt up in the fireplace because Santa left her there. Another mother fucker had been naughty, and Santa left him a bride with gonherria. A blizzard happened one year, and the roof was icy, and Santa’s sleigh slipped off the roof…casualties: 1; the mail order bride for Mr. Carlson. The elves had to quickly make him another one and she looked like a retard. In one instance, these fucking assholes did not leave Santa any cookies, so Santa fucked his mail order bride before leaving her under the tree. Not only did the guy unknowingly swallow Santa’s sloppy seconds on Christmas morning, he also had to raise a child that was actually Santa’s though he swore it was his own.
"Burning Skies" 7:33
The Destroyers of All
Auckland, New Zealand
Be extremely careful when selecting the weight of a mail order bride. It may seem like you are getting a great bargain by choosing a mail order bride who is fat as fuck, for these are products whose prices decrease significantly as the weight rapidly grows higher, but, in actuality, it may be more expensive in the long run. It is in the shipping rates where they get you with the obese ones. You see, a bride who weighs 120 pounds may run you about $150, and the shipping rates may only be $42…and that’s for next day air express. On the other hand, a fat beast who weighs 350 pounds may appear to be on sale for a generous $13.99! However, she can only be sent expedited freight, and the shipping costs alone can be up $200. Plus, some places charge an additional fee for the fat ones because they have to package her in more expensive material and leave excessive food in the crate to feed her big ass.
160. The Psychic Paramount
New York, NY
Another misfortune is the fact that most people only order mail order brides exclusively from other countries. These people think that their own country is above and beyond any person wanting to be a mail order bride; no, these people in this country are able to perform all of these facets on Craigslist. However, there are mail order brides living on your own block. Unfortunately, it is deemed wrong to advertise these products, so not a lot of people know this. But the trick for obtaining a mail order bride within your own community is to log on to websites based in other countries. For example, one person living in Alabama had been shopping on russianbrides.com and was not having any luck whatsoever- the shipping rates were outrageous. However, he logged onto americanbrides.ru and ended up purchasing the lady who lived in the apartment just underneath him. And to think, he had spent years masturbating thinking about the day she would come over to visit. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
"Daughters of Bilitis" 3:24
Shopping for a mail order bride is similar to shopping for a used vehicle. You have to be skeptical as to why some items may be on sale, because many of them are discounted for a reason. A smart shopper will know to check for such items as expiration date, medical records, and possibly even a background check. It is advised to periodically do some research on certain models in Consumer Reports magazine and monitor any certain trends that may be occurring. In one circumstance several years ago, many mail order brides were recalled due to malfunctions with Mad Cow Disease.
158. Wo Fat
"Descent into the Maelstrom" 8:26
Noche del Chupacabra
Uncle Herman is extremely hard to shop for, especially when selecting a mail order bride for his gift. He is not like Uncle Rosco who will fuck anything that moves and will be happy with any old bride that represents the best value. All year, I would go out with Uncle Herman just to see what he likes. Come to find out, he is extremely peculiar…possibly explains why he is single. I’ll have him rate a woman on a scale of 1 to 10 and the results are often contradictory and sometimes downright shocking. For Uncle Herman, I found it was best to merely stuff his stocking with a mail order bride gift certificate and allow him to make his own selection. Plus, I did not really want to spend too much on his monkey ass because he never gets me shit for Christmas. One particular site did happen to be running a sale on retards in the price range I was hoping for, but you know Uncle Herman, some retards he gives a 10, and some he only gave like a 6 or a 7. Now, he can pick out his own.
157. Lower Heaven
"Done Nothing Wrong" 5:43
Today Is All We Have
Silver Lake, CA
Some companies utilize unethical tactics similar to those of the fast food industry. At McDonald’s, the food on the picture looks absolutely amazing. The burger is perfect, fat, plump, and juicy…with everything intact. Then you get the burger, and it is all flat, soggy, and looks nothing like the picture. Mail order brides are the same way sometimes. Aunt Peggy had ordered Rosalee Richardson from Cambodia for my cousin Floyd to be his Christmas gift. In the photograph, she looked perfect, fat, plump, and juicy…with everything intact. However, when she arrived, she was all flat, soggy, and didn’t look a damn thing like the picture. Because Aunt Peggy was a last minute Christmas shopper, my cousin Floyd is stuck with some droopy whore who can’t even see out of one eye. Oh well, they refunded her credit card, and Floyd got to keep the blind bitch…used it as an excuse to get a dog.
156. Dengue Fever
"Cannibal Courtship" 4:35
Los Angeles, CA
When purchasing a mail order bride from another country, it is very important to be at least moderately familiar with the culture of that region. My cousin Lisa purchased a bride named Kenuwasunalekwatzoonowilk who came from a deserted island in Pacific for this guy named Kenny a few Christmases ago. Kenny was some random mother fucker who always showed up at the house for Christmas every year. People always assumed he was dating my step-sister’s cousin in-law by marriage, but it turned out, she had never even met this nigger. The next year, the bride showed up for Christmas, but without Kenny. She had made an exquisite dish that was bursting with unique flavors, and nobody knew what it was. It turned out, we were eating Kenny. Damn, that shit was good. So now, every year, we purchase Kenuwasunalekwatzoonowilk a new person to cook up for Christmas. This year, we got her a big fat Greek retard named Loretta who was on sale for a mere $8, and we got a free candle that was even bigger than her. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
155. Times New Viking
"Somebody's Slave" 2:45
Be reluctant to any gimmick that says “Buy Now.” My uncle Harry did this. The website claimed that if he ordered in the next five minutes, he would also receive a free Chia Pet. As usual, uncle Harry jumped on this bargain. As it turned out, Stephanie from Madagascar was on sale immediately because she was getting ready to start her period. Apparently, she gets a bit grouchy when she is on her period—to the extreme, she hacked up a few dudes from the shipping department at MadagascarMarriages.com with a power saw. She was grouchy anyway. But, being crammed in a box and sent FedEx ground while on her period only made matters worse. Uncle Harry assumed he was going to be getting a submissive woman who would do all of his household chores; not to mention the free Chia Pet. Because she arrived on her period, already grouchy, and because the cheap ass didn’t shell out the extra $12 to have her sent next day, Stephanie from Madagascar shoved the free Chia Pet up Uncle Harry’s ass and it’s now he who does all of the chores, and the house belongs to her. The Chia Pet is still doing fine, and she is working on marketing the new gift called Chia Harry’s Hairy Ass.
New York, NY
Scams happen also. There is the obvious one of you paying with your credit card, and the bride place does not even exist. But, there is another one that goes around too. The mail order bride company will arm the bride with an assault rifle and provide her with another return shipping label. Once the oversized package is opened, the mail order bride will open fire and kill the person who purchased her. And, since they wisely shipped her in a crate that was too big, she steals all of the valuables within the home and all of the presents underneath the Christmas tree. The mail order bride then drags the crate containing all of the valuables back out onto the porch, assesses the return shipping label, and climbs back inside. The next day, UPS picks her up and back to Ukraine she goes…with a whole schlew of new belongings. Because she was shipped in a discreet package, the police never even suspected this mail order bride. Be aware if your bride comes in an oversized package. This happened to me once.
153. Handsome Furs
"No Feelings" 7:00
Montreal, QC Canada
One year for Christmas, every member of the family purchased by Uncle Hank a mail order bride. The sorry sack of shit hadn’t been laid in 12 years, and next thing he knew he had 23 wives and a new screwdriver set. Hank was one of these crackers who did not like to hurt people’s feelings, and always pretended he liked whatever gift anybody gave him. Now, the poor bastard had to run off and become a Mormon. To make matters worse, having one wife is expensive enough, and these mail order brides were all white bitches. Every year at Christmas, these white bitches just be wasting money…buying presents for each other, Uncle Hank, and all 23 of them mother fuckers who bought Hank a bride, and all their families, and each other’s families, and various other mother fuckers… every year at Christmas, Hank accumulates $32,487,490,213,522 in credit card debt.
152. Memories Of Machines
"Before We Fall" 5:11
A good way to get out of debt is sell your own wife online as a mail order bride. My Uncle Sherm was tens of thousands of dollars in debt, some of this due to Christmas expenses, some due to his cocaine addiction, and some because of his gambling. He successfully relieved a portion of this debt by selling his golf clubs on E-bay, and my Aunt Vicky on whitebitches.de online. He received $182 for the golf clubs, and $23 and 19 cents via Pay Pal for my Aunt Vicky.
151. The Twilight Singers
"Dynamite Steps" 6:44
New Orleans, LA
Lucy purchased me a mail order bride for Christmas this year! I hinted that that’s what I wanted, and Lucy came through for me. And to think, she is only a relative my marriage. Lucy is a smart shopper too! She perused a European site and found me a bride from right here in America. And guess what? My bride turned out to be my long lost cousin Francine… and we are in the state of South Carolina, so it is all legal! I’ve always had a crush on Francine. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
NC-17 Soundtraxxx Songs of 2011: 200-176 175-151 150-126 125-101 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1 + The Top 25 Albums of 2011
Top Image by: Romanian Girl.net
Bottom Image by: Demotivational Posters