Part 1: White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Part 2: A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Part 3: Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Part 4: Holiday Retail Employees Strike
Part 5: This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part 6: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Part 7: Some Bullshit About $230
Part 8: New Year's Resolution: Fire Your Own Voice of Reason
Part III: Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Press play to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
150. Panda Bear
149. Neon Indian
"Hex Girlfriend" 3:18
This year for Christmas, the Real Life Sex Doll Corporation is proud to announce it now has themes. The first theme to be sold is the Disney theme. Now, you can fuck all your favorite Disney characters and it will look and feel just like the real thing. Although Snow White is #1 seller, you can choose from Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, The Little Mermaid, or any of the 101 Dalmatians. You will be the envy of all of your friends when they walk in and find you having sex with a realistic looking Sleeping Beauty right in the comforts of your living room couch.
148. Portugal. The Man
"Got It All (This Can't Be Living Now)" 3:46
In The Mountain In The Cloud
Wasilla, AK/Portland, OR
When Uncle Fred received the Real Life Snow White Sex Doll, he immediately exclaimed: “this is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!” Uncle Fred liked to talk a lot of shit to his Snow White doll, yelling out things such as: “yea bitch! The dwarves ever give it to you like that!” One time, Uncle Fred was even heard whistling while he worked. However, since he was given the Snow White gift, we see Uncle Fred a lot less frequently these days. Sometimes he disappears for weeks.
147. Tapes 'N Tapes
"One in the World" 2:49
The Real Life Sex Doll Corporation proudly united with the Fleshlight Corporation and created the attachable vagina. With this wonderful invention, the Disney Theme could be taken to new levels. Because an attachable vagina could easily be inserted into a multitude of locations, the Real Life Sex Dolls were no longer limited to female humans. Now, you could fuck Alladin or The Lion King and it would feel just like a real woman.
146. Craft Spells
"You Should Close the Door" 3:15
Stockton, CA/Seattle, WA
Ever since the age of 14, Grandpa Edwards had always indulged into sexual fantasies with Winnie the Pooh. This year for Christmas, the family pitched in and got him everything he wanted. At first, he was baffled when he opened the attachable vagina. He thought it was some sort of a gag gift, and pretended as if he had no use for it (in actuality, he had planned on using it the next moment he had the house to himself.) But, when he opened the next gift, the Winnie the Pooh Sex Doll, he knew exactly what it was for. His other stack of presents consisted of Tigger, Piglet, a 3-pack of Hanes T-Shirts, Eeyore, a belt sander, and Owl, dressed as an erotic teacher.
145. The Pillows
"Sad Fad Love" 3:47
With the invention of the attachable vagina, Uncle Merle was successfully able to have a threesome with both The Fox and The Hound. It was a test of true friendship. Often, Uncle Merle would roleplay and act as if he were about to give The Fox a facial; but at the last moment, The Hound steps in and takes the load. However, because the movie is sad, Uncle Merle would often cry for hours after his sexual experience. Realizing it was too emotionally stressful, Uncle Merle boxed up the Real Life The Fox and The Hound Sex Dolls and took them to Goodwill.
144. The Rapture
"Sail Away" 5:21
In the Grace of Your Love
New York, NY
Another popular choice for the Disney Sex Dolls is the Evil Queen from Snow White. However, this marketing ploy had an obvious targeted audience and the results were often dangerous. Neurotic women would often hang around in stores and await guys to purchase the Evil Queen Sex Doll. These women, many of them the store’s cashiers, would follow the customer home and eagerly await the moment when they are seen out. Usually within weeks, the consumer who purchased the Evil Queen Sex Doll was in an abusive relationship, frequently showing up to work with black eyes, suddenly no longer permitted to hang out with friends, and the Evil Queen Sex Doll disposed of by means of fire.
143. Mind Spiders
"Slippin' and Slidin'" 3:38
Soon, the themes extended beyond that of Disney Characters. The obvious choice to be next was Star Wars. And sure enough, Princess Leia and Padame were the top sellers. There was often much debate as to which character would sell the best. However, perhaps as a gag gift, Chewbacca outsold the two of them combined. Due to the fact that women have enough sex toys, and using these products in the workplace has become an increasing problem, the Real Life Sex Dolls were not intended for women. But, the Chewbacca Real Life Sex Doll became a popular commodity for women as women figured out new and improved ways to insert life-like pulsing vibrators into the attachments that were generally intended for the attachable vagina. We never saw Aunt Helen ever again.
142. The Asteroid No. 4
"Be Yourself By Yourself" 4:52
Hail to the Clear Figurines
Upon hearing Uncle Fred talk shit to the Snow White doll, the next idea involved having the character speak back. You could not have an actual conversation with the doll, but there was a battery operated pre-programmed voice that would say certain things, often famous lines from the movie in which the character starred. This erotic feature was met with much joy, as sales skyrocketed, and the Real Life Sex Doll Corporate Office received numerous letters in the mail praising the wonderful new feature.
141. Cloud Nothings
"Should Have" 3:09
My friend Scott always wanted to fuck C3-PO. This Christmas, his dreams came true. He received the C3-PO sex doll with an attachable vagina and by the end of the night had C3-PO mounted on the couch and was knocking it out missionary style. Scott received a special treat when C3-PO’s eyes lit up and he began calling out…”ohhh, Master, I do like the way that feels inside there.”
140. Manic Attracts
"You Were The One" 3:20
Eyes Wide Shut
Vancouver, BC Canada
Having sex with Yoda was a bit strange at first, and admittedly, I never quite got used to it. To begin, he’s a bit small, and the sex doll has a little green cock. I had to attach the vagina underneath his soggy green balls if I wanted to do it missionary style. There were also options available to insert the attachable vagina into his green anal cavity or his mouth was another option. I found it difficult to maintain an erection while slamming that green ass from behind. But, things got a little spooky when he started talking perverted sentences to me…in Yoda style dialect. “Use the force, in my ass, cum, you will.” Needless to say, after a few excursions, Yoda was taken to Goodwill.
139. Arctic Monkeys
"Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair" 3:04
Suck It and See
Gradually, the themes extended beyond Star Wars. And then came the specialty store, where customers could special order any movie character they wanted. Once word of this got out, this company made 287 trillion dollars its’ first Christmas. Customers could even program the Real Life Sex Dolls to say whatever they wanted. We walked by and heard Uncle Harvey in the bedroom making bizarre noises. He was groaning…”EEEE EEEE EEEE,” and his partner exclaimed, “my ass is like a box of chocolates.”
138. The Raveonettes
"Forget That You're Young" 3:58
Raven in the Grave
In some cases, consumers would accumulate entire collections. Paul, for example, had every single Oompa Loompa. And, he would stay up all night simply writing Oompa Loompa songs to have programmed in the doll to state during fornication. Going over to Paul’s house was a bit strange lately. There are Oompa Loompas all over the place, many of them with their pants pulled down. You can’t go anywhere without having a bare Oompa Loompa ass in your face. It gets tempting, but it is considered impolite to use another man’s Real Life Sex Doll…especially without permission.
We had no choice but to question the mental stability of Uncle Phil. The family had purchased him the entire Wizard of Oz Sex Doll collection for Christmas. He kept all of them, and seemed thrilled with the gift. However, December 26th, Dorothy was the only one taken to Goodwill. All of us in the family figured Dorothy would be the one he liked best. In most circles, it is considered inappropriate to have sex with Scarecrows but not beautiful women…the two of them together is perfectly fine though. We had to take Uncle Phil to medical clinic to have him examined. The last audible statement he uttered before his lobotomy was, “you have a heart, I have a hard-on.”
136. Dream Diary
"Audrey Of Spirits" 3:21
You Are the Beat
New York, NY
Some people have purchased Real Life Sex Dolls with intentions on playing with them rather than exploring sexual pleasure. In some cases, they will purchase two Real Life Sex Doll characters and create them having sex with each other. My cousin Stan did this. He purchased Gollum from Lord of the Rings, and obviously, programmed him to frequently say perverted sex talk using the word “precious.” Then, he purchased “Precious” from the movie Precious and videotaped them getting it on with each other. What a fucking pervert cousin Stan is for even thinking of this sort of filth.
135. Colin Stetson
"Lord I Just Can't Keep From Crying Sometimes" 4:49
New History Warfare Vol. 2: Judges
Ann Arbor, MI/Montreal, QC Canada
As the specialty Sex Doll store increased in popularity, as did the variety of topics that could be explored. Soon, movie characters were not the only thing being created. Musicians were next, followed by athletes. The other popular sellers were past celebrities. Marilyn Monroe and Betty Page sold almost as well as the original Snow White and Chewbacca. With modern technology and the right amount of creativity, the possibilities were endless; although the religious themes were boycotted and soon banned- people simply did crude and unacceptable things such as making the Virgin Mary extra tight.
Subvert the Dominant Paradigm
In many cases, The Real Life Sex Dolls would often be available before the movie came out. For example, just a few weeks before Toy Story 6 was released, stores such as Pick ‘N Save and Jo Ann Fabrics were running a sale on Toy Story 6 Sex Dolls. As a promotional item, many stores would offer free Toy Story 6 Sex Dolls with a purchase of $14 or more.
133. Clams Casino
"The World Needs Change" 2:25
As with all items, each and every Christmas, certain Sex Dolls would become the hot item that everybody had to have. No, it wasn’t the Cabbage Patch Sex Doll, there’s a ton of those at Goodwill right now. They did not always coincide with other popular items, and it was sometimes difficult to foresee what was going to get popular. The Fuck Me Up the Ass Elmo did not sell very well at all; nor did the John Madden 12”. This year, it seemed everybody wanted the Paranormal Activity III sex dolls. Most store’s shelves were cleaned of this product by December, 2. But, Melvin got one… this is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
New York, NY
Since the new and improved Sex Dolls looked so real and lifelike, it was often difficult to differentiate real photographs from fictitious photographs. Shortly after the Sarah Palin Sex Dolls were released, it appeared the possible presidential candidate had been involved in numerous sex scandals with the photographs circulating over the internet. But then again, there were numerous alleged scandals involving ex-President Abraham Lincoln supposedly having a sexual affair with all four original members of Kiss.
With the usage of technology similar to that used in video games such as Face Maker and that used by police departments to create images of potential suspects, Real Life Sex Dolls could be created to look like anything. There was no longer a need to make a famous person, although those still sold relatively well. Once again, the possibilities were endless. This was considered one of the greatest inventions in history.
130. Balam Acab
"Oh, Why" 4:12
Some people would come into the store and make an appointment with the specialty design customer service assistant. Sometimes the session would take nearly an hour, but with all of the available options, people were able to create their most ideal partner. Shortly after the appointment, the request would be sent in, and the perfect partner would be delivered in 5-10 business days. Many people would purchase a new one about every month and have an entire closet full of what they considered the most suitable lovers…depending on the mood.
129. Crystal Stilts
"Invisible City" 4:47
In Love With Oblivion
New York, NY
One popular commodity was to create Real Life Sex Dolls in the form of people the customer knows on a personal level. People could have Real Life Sex Dolls in the exact same image of their neighbors, co-workers, family members, random people they passed on the streets, and other commonly explored subjects of sexual fantasies. In some cases, just regular people in the community would be a better seller than even Marilyn Monroe. One of the girls working at the local City Market has had 3,647 Sex Dolls created to look exactly like her, and she has no idea of this. Survey has shown, however, that 91% of all women claim to be offended should another man create a sex doll in her image; somehow, 96% of all women claim to be offended if a sex doll NEVER be made in her image.
128. Antònia Font
"Minutos Musicales" 3:34
Other people like to special order Real Life Sex Dolls as gag gifts. In these cases, people will have a Real Life Sex Doll specially made to look like the person who the recipient of the gift despises…most often a co-worker, a boss, or that least favorite singer (there are right now 22,409 gag Justin Bieber dolls on the rack at Goodwill…unused.) To make the joke even funnier, the gag gift buyers will even program the Real Life Sex Doll to say things they know will infuriate the person who the gift is for.
Montreal, QC Canada
Clothing stores have prospered from the invention of the Real Life Sex Dolls. These days, people will enter clothing stores just to buy new clothes for their sex dolls. Some men get even more of a thrill from certain clothing styles than the doll itself. Clyde, for example, cannot afford a new Real Life Sex Doll. But, he keeps things spicy by buying sexy clothes to dress his Real Life Sex Doll to explore all of his fantasies. Granted, his initial gift was the Chewbacca Sex Doll. But, Chewbacca looks great in a skimpy leather mini-skirt, a sexy thong, a low-cut blouse, and boots. Clyde has even put make-up on his Chewbacca doll and taken the drag queen wookie out in public.
This year for Christmas, I went to the Real Life Sex Doll and had a Real Life Sex Doll modeled after me. Now, I will know what it is like to fuck myself. And, if need be, I may have some techniques to work on. Or, who knows, maybe I will fall in love and consider myself the best lover in the world. You may never see me again. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
NC-17 Soundtraxxx Songs of 2011: 200-176 175-151 150-126 125-101 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1 + The Top 25 Albums of 2011
Top Image by: Naked Disney Toons
Bottom Image by: Sexy Cartoon Women