Part I of VIII: 200-176 White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Part II of VIII: 175-151 A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Part III of VIII: 150-126 Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Part IV of VIII: 125-101 Retail Employees Holiday Strike
Part V of VIII: 100-76 This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part VI of VIII: 75-51 Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Part VII of VIII: 50-26 Some Bullshit About $230
Part VIII of VIII: 25-#1 New Year's Resolution: Fire Your Own Voice of Reason
Part IV: Retail Employees Holiday Strike
Press play on the image below to hear all of these songs in the exact order.
125. The Strokes
New York, NY
It was a huge day. Both Martha and Frank slept fully clothed, even wearing shoes. The moment the alarm sounded, the two of them sprang from the bed, marched down the stairs, and without any hesitation whatsoever, jumped into the station wagon and eagerly travelled to their destination. It was the day they waited all year for; this was the day they were going to purchase the Christmas tree.
124. Cut Copy
"Where I'm Going" 3:34
They arrived at Charlie’s live Christmas trees, which is but a few blocks from their home. Within 5 square miles of their house, there are 19 other places that sell Christmas trees, but for whatever reason, they always come here first. It was still the early morning and the air was bitterly brisk. However, there were already dozens of people here shopping for Christmas trees. Many of them had camped out over night, white people.
"Dawned on Me" 3:43
The Whole Love
Without even looking around at the selection, Frank approached one of the sales people and told him exactly what they were looking for. “Hey. We are looking for one of those silver lined trees, one about 8 feet maybe, nice and fat. But, it’s got to be silver!” Looking around at all the rows of Christmas trees, every single one of them was green. The associate responded, “we don’t carry silver Christmas trees.”
"Blue Eyes" 4:07
Vancouver, BC Canada
Martha looked devastated, as if the world was coming to an end. “Will you be able to get one in, for us?” She pleaded with desperation. Unapologetically, the associate informed her no, they don’t carry silver trees. Martha began to cry, “Christmas is ruined.” Frank interjected, “every God damn year these people!” Martha simply buried her face in her hands, weeping. “Every God damn year!” Frank shouted at the associate, “we come here every God damn year, all we want is a silver Christmas tree, and you guys never have any.!” Martha once again looked up, “Christmas is ruined,” and buried her face back in her hands.
w h o k i l l
The associate had heard enough, and angrily retorted, “you know what buddy? Fuck you! You come here every God damn year, every God damn year, and you ask for shit that we don’t carry. Why not go get a silver Christmas tree at Radio Shack? Oh, that’s right, they don’t carry silver Christmas trees! Well, we don’t either. You come here every year, bitch and moan because we don’t carry the shit you want us to carry, then you complain, and ask for a discount. This year, you ain’t getting’ no discount. Go somewhere that sells a silver tree.”
120. The Feelies
"Change Your Mind" 4:39
Frank was dumbfounded, and simply looked around. “Fine, we’ll just get a green tree.” The associate stepped in and called over some other workers. “No, you’re not welcome here. Get off the property, now! Don’t come back either. You’re banned for life from Charlie’s Christmas Trees and if we see you around here again, you will be arrested for trespassing.” They still looked up dumbfounded. “Go!” The associate stomped at them, and the other workers escorted them off of the lot.
119. Mi Ami
"Hard Up" 5:02
San Francisco, CA
“That’s how you have to deal with these people, fucking freeloaders.” The other people saw what had happened, and they all applauded. Many of them shared stories about obnoxious customers they have to deal with at their work. That one associated decided that this year he is not taking any shit from unruly customers who wine, complain, and ask for services they do not offer. Fuck all of them. And that one associate became an influence, and soon they had all heard of him.
"You and Me" 4:29
It became clear that white people just be wasting money every year at Christmas. Where are all these white people getting all of this money? And, why do the ones with money have to act like jackasses every time they go into the store? The people who work at the stores, the cashiers, the sales associates, the stock clerks, none of them make enough money to earn a comfortable living. Furthermore, most of them do not have any benefits whatsoever, and no health insurance. To make matters worse, the white people treat them like shit, talk down to them, and act as if they do not even matter.
117. Young Widows
"Miss Tambourine Wrist" 4:15
In and Out of Youth and Lightness
It also became apparent that many of the white people with the money actually work for some of these retail places. Many of them work in offices doing very little work. Several of them have obtained the title of "district manager," make approximately $70,000 a year with full benefits, and do very little work. The average cashier, making $14,000 a year handle significantly more work than the district manager who only obtained the position by being a relative or utilizing unethical methods in order to make him/her seem more impressive.
"It's a Must" 4:35
Stargard Szczeciński, Poland
This year, it was time to see what positions were actually more important. The customers thought so little of the cashier’s position, that now, the cashier was no longer concerned with the customer’s petty needs. Furthermore, it was obvious that it was a shit job, with low pay, and no benefits. People questioned why they were even doing this, and at once, all agreed, the position needs major improvements. Kissing the ass of the non-impressive district manager was not getting anywhere.
"Lil Norge" 3:31
Best of Gloucester County
Right in the middle of the Holiday shopping season, every retail worker in America announced they were going on strike. Apparently the world had thought their position was useless, so they decided to see how useless it really was. Perhaps there was no longer a demand for it. Perhaps anybody could do this job. Perhaps it really wasn’t that important. The mall was closed. The stores closed. Linens N Things- closed. Wal Mart- closed. Yankee Candle Company- they were all closed. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
114. Toro Y Moi
Underneath the Pine
All of the places were scheduled to stay open until 10:00 PM, but they were all suddenly closed at 5:00 PM as all of the workers ordered everybody to leave and the stores were locked up. This was troubling. But, the next day, they were scheduled to open at an average of 9:00 AM, but they were all closed. The parking lots were full of white people, peaking into the widows, lingering around by the front door. By 9:30 AM the world was in a state of panic. In a few places, namely Cincinnati, Ohio, riots erupted and many of the stores were looted.
113. Future Islands
"Where I Found You" 5:44
On the Water
Greenville, NC/Baltimore, MD
The Cincinnati riots made national news. Within moments of that, the corporate executives of these retail businesses ordained that all of the cashiers were fired and they were now hiring. However, nobody applied, because many cashiers, stockers, and sales associates had already held press conferences and nobody was interested in working these positions any longer. It was too shitty of a job for anybody to ever apply for, even in this economy. For the most part, particularly with the mass rage being conducted against the upper 1%, most people who would even consider applying for a cashier position took the side of the workers, and silently vowed they would do whatever it took in order for them to win their battle and receive their benefits.
"Keep In Orbit" 4:01
Waving at the Astronauts
That meant, the district managers, the corporate people, and even the owners had to come in and do all of the work. However, they did not have to take a pay cut. Furthermore, these are people who had supposedly worked hard for their positions, so this should have meant that customer service was going to improve dramatically since the district manager is now the cashier. Things went perfectly fine for the first 19 minutes. Within 20 minutes, many of the corporate executives were snapping at customers who appeared to be talking down to them or attempting to belittle them. Most had no clue how to operate a cash register effectively. Lines were growing longer. Regular customers who did like many of the cashiers were beginning to complain because these people had no personality whatsoever. Then, after barely an hour of dealing with customers, most of them irate, the corporate executives began wining and complaining because they had gone over an hour without a break.
111. St. Vincent
"Strange Mercy" 4:29
Tulsa, OK/Dallas, TX
The average cashier has to work nearly three hours without a break. Many are not even allowed to drink beverages while standing at the register. Personal situations such as text messages, phone calls, or answering e-mails have to wait until the very end of the day. These corporate people had been used to having prolonged conversations with spouses without having to work for their $70,000 annual salary. Apparently, the job was far more difficult than they thought. One day without having to be able to deal with their personal projects while at work was enough to put most of them in a state of shock. Standing all day was torture. Not getting a break was horrendous. They had to do all the closing duties themselves. Furthermore, there was nobody to do all of their work for them, they actually had to do it. They had to stay and work late. Despite the fact they were still getting paid a lucrative salary, and had all the keys to do managerial overrides and whatnot, they were miserable and complained. They could only imagine how miserable a person would be doing this work for $14,000 a year without benefits.
110. Giant Sand
"Monk's Mountain" 7:36
Blurry Blue Mountain
The day after that, several key executives announced all stores would remain closed for one day, all of the cashiers were going to be re-hired, and there would be talks to see what sort of demands could be met. The negotiations went significantly better than expected, for the most part. Cashiers are by far more intelligent than most corporate executives, and coincidentally, do not regard these people as even people. They are more intelligent because they interact with daily life and more in-tune with regular society, rather than the few people from the country club resort. Furthermore, most have no desire to own a house full of junk like the corporate executives, so money is not that important.
109. The Cave Singers
Here were the demands. All cashiers, sales associates, and stockers were to receive the exact same health care and vacation benefits as the corporate executives. Also, full-time cashiers were to receive a minimum salary of $25,000 a year with annual raises that could earn up to $50,000. With this, there was to be no increase in prices whatsoever- dealing with customers was difficult enough. Instead, all of those earning more than $40,000 annually would have to be bumped down to the nearest ten thousand…meaning, those who made $47,556 annually, would now make just 40,000. Any person making over $60,000 would be bumped down $50,000, with a few exceptions and that would have to be voted on and decided by the committee.
108. Kurt Vile
"Ghost Town" 6:24
Smoke Ring for My Halo
The corporate executives were displeased with this. They felt as if they earned their $71,000 by talking to their spouses for hours on the phone, and there was no way possible anybody could ever live on a mere $50,000. However, they were reminded of that one atrocious day they actually had to work, and asked how difficult it would be to live off a mere $14,000 a year. They would mumble a few statements, and all of their arguments made them look even more idiotic than they already were. Furthermore, they were losing profits by not being open, the stockholders took the side of the cashier, and the executive managers ruled in favor of the cashiers.
107. Drive-By Truckers
"Cartoon Gold" 3:16
But, more demands were made. You see, money is not the only thing that concerns the average cashier. All full-time cashiers were awarded the right to do managerial overrides and make “important” decisions, this should never have been an issue because they are the ones who receive a blunt of the complaints. The motto: “the customer is always right” had to be disbanded immediately. Instead, every cash register now has a sign over it that reads: “we have the right to not serve you if you are a pain in the ass for any reason.” There was to be more frequent breaks. Bad decisions from the district managers had to meet the approval of the stock clerks and cashiers. Furthermore, they were to be treated as people… no more having to wear stupid smocks, bad uniforms, or inform customers of the exact same thing over and over again. Conversations with customers were to improve drastically with this notion, and studies have shown that 83% of all customers enjoy discussing personal matters with cashiers and store employees. This is what they were to talk about, not the bonus card plan or items of the month.
106. The High Llamas
"The Ring of Gold" 4:11
As it turns out, most retail employees enjoy the company of Mexicans. Another demand was they wanted more Mexicans and by far a more diverse workplace. They didn’t wish to sound stereotypical, but it appeared Mexicans were always friendly and did a lot of the work others wanted no part of. Furthermore, they fought that Mexicans also receive benefits and a pay increase. They also demanded that every store have at least one immigrant who cannot speak English on hand for two reasons…one, to assist customers who also do not speak English, and two, should a customer be ruled a pain in the ass and have his/her service refused, the Mexican is to put all of his/her merchandise back on the shelf and the customer will have to either leave or do it all over again. Why a Mexican who doesn’t speak English? Because as the Mexican is putting away the merchandise, more than likely the pain in the ass customer is going to complain the whole time…a Mexican does not have to listen to her/him.
105. Ja, Panik
DMD KIU LIDT
All demands were met. The stores were opened. Aside from the district managers, and corporate office people who had to take a slight pay decrease but still earned ample salary, 89% of the world prospered from this. The employees of the store were happier and more eager to assist customers. Because they had more frequent breaks and no longer had to tolerate unruly customers, their service skills improved. Furthermore, because other customers no longer had to deal with the other morons in the line, their shopping experience improved drastically as well.
104. The Fall
"I've Seen Them Come" 6:07
Paul was working as a cashier, and was suddenly much happier. Abby approached the counter. It was a busy day, there was a long line behind Abby…Christmas was nearing and this was going to be the best Christmas ev-errr! Paul greeted Abby who did not speak back. Instead, Abby was squawking away on her cell phone about something significantly stupid that nobody wished to hear…some bullshit about some loser named Brad coming over drunk again…she hadn’t seen Brad in awhile. Paul looked up at the sign that read: “we have the right to refuse to serve you if you are being a pain in the ass.” Abby hadn’t even taken her merchandise out of the cart and was holding up the line. The customers looked irate at Abby. Paul called over Julio, who apprehended Abby’s cart, and put all of her merchandise back on the shelf.
103. Eleventh Dream Day
"That's What's Coming" 6:11
Lexington, KY/Chicago, IL
The moment Julio took her cart, she immediately hung up the phone and tried to apologize. But, it was too late. She followed Julio around pleading with him not put all of her stuff away and that she was pressed for time. However, Julio did not understand a word she said. A manager intervened and told Abby that if continued to harass Julio, she would be banned from the store. Angrily, she retrieved another cart and hastily gathered all of the stuff again, this was the third store in a row now that had done this to her. Again, she went down Paul’s aisle and had the nerve to gripe and complain about him calling to have her stuff put back. Abby got irate and even shouted at Paul. Paul, the nice guy that he is, listened to her for every bit of 45 seconds, then called Julio back, and had her stuff put away again. Abby would eventually learn.
102. Wild Flag
"Glass Tambourine" 5:09
However, on December 21st, the workers went on strike again. They were fed up with having to listen to Christmas music, every single day, non-stop, 8 hours, ever since Thanksgiving. In fact, the music period needed to be changed. This strike lasted a whole 29 minutes. By 1:28 PM EST there was not a single Christmas Carol being played on any store anywhere. If people wanted to hear that shit, they would have to play it at home. In fact, the world seemed relieved the moment all of the Christmas Carols were finally turned off and decent music played. The music in the stores was now to be selected by the employees.
"Nothing But Heart" 8:12
Margaret went to a store and made it all the way through without being a complete imbecile. Generally, she was a prime candidate to have all of her shit put back, and learned real quick that her days of having each individual item double bagged in paper had come to an abrupt end. Just when she thought she had finally made it all the way through a shopping excursion without having all of her shit put back, she got the front of the line, and then complained. “Why aren’t you guys playing any Christmas music in here?” The cashier had become so disgusted with hearing, “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” he simply called Julio. Margaret took her punishment in stride this time, and complained to Julio for 15 minutes about how they ought to be playing Christmas music. But, there is no more Christmas music in the stores…this is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!
NC-17 Soundtraxxx Songs of 2011: 200-176 175-151 150-126 125-101 100-76 75-51 50-26 25-#1 + The Top 25 Albums of 2011