NC-17 Soundtraxxx 100 Best Songs of 2011

The Best of 2011 + The Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part 1: White People Just Be Wastin' Money at Christmas
Part 2: A Mail Order Bride Delivered Right to Your Door
Part 3: Give the Gift of Real Life Sex Dolls
Part 4: Holiday Retail Employees Strike
Part 5: This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!
Part 6: Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and Them Other Christmas Niggaz
Part 7: Some Bullshit About $230
Part 8: New Year's Resolution: Fire Your Own Voice of Reason

Part V: This is Going to Be the Best Christmas Ev-errr!

Press play on the image below to listen to the music while you read.

100. Wooden Shjips
"Rising"  5:09
San Francisco, CA

“Kids,” father came home super excited, he had some fabulous news… “kids, get your things ready we are going to…” he paused. Father could barely contain the excitement. The kids were all gathered around waiting for father’s important announcement. “Kids, get ready to go, we are going… TO TEXAS!!!” Stephanie, age 14, screamed in excitement and shouted a bunch of words nobody could ever understand, except for the words “cousin Mary!” and even had tears of joyful excitement in her eyes. “We’re going to Texas and you get to see your cousin Mary!” The family grouped together and began jumping up and down for joy, shouting words of excitement. Stephanie ran upstairs to pack her bags, and said to her bald headed sister, “this is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!”

99. Belong
"Come See"  5:27
Common Era
New Orleans, LA

I have a lot to do for Christmas this year. Take a look at me now. What you see now is significantly different then how I will appear on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day, I will be wearing a sweater with reindeer decorations on it and a Santa hat. I will be in the kitchen all day, cooking a meal. I have to wrap presents and decorate the house for the guests that will be coming over. When the phone rings, I will answer the phone “ho ho ho” rather than simply saying hello.

98. Seefeel
"Faults"  5:45
London, England

When guests arrive, I will inform each and every one of them about every last thing in my refrigerator. I will not allow one single person to eat anything without offering other items located in the refrigerator. If I even see somebody eating a sandwich, I will explain to that person that we have mayonnaise in the refrigerator. If the person does not have mayonnaise on his/her sandwich, I will get the mayonnaise out of the refrigerator, place it in front of him/her and insist mayonnaise be put on the sandwich. I will continue to pester the person eating the sandwich until he/she concedes and puts more crap from my refrigerator onto the sandwich…whether this dumb fucker wants it or not.

97. M83
"Wait"  5:43
Hurry Up, We're Dreaming
Antibes, France

My job is to make sure that nobody leaves. If somebody were to leave the house for any reason, I act as if I take offense to that. Some of these in-laws, boyfriends, girlfriends or whatever act as if they simply need to get away for a few minutes because being around a different family is too much to handle. I make sure this never happens. Nobody blatantly states they just need to leave to get away for a few. These people insist they are going somewhere to do something. For example, Andi claims she is just going to the store to get a pack of cigarettes. Well, Uncle Harold left a pack of cigarettes here last year, they are not the brand you smoke, they are old, stale, and nasty, but I suggest you smoke them anyway. You are not going anywhere.

96. Cities Aviv
"Fuckeverybodyhere"  3:59
Digital Lows
Memphis, TN

Whenever a child opens a Christmas gift, we all break out our camera, our phones, or any sort of picture taking device or video filming equipment, and observe the child opening the gifts. The moment the gift is opened, lights flash as if this child were a superstar. We all enjoy the look on children’s faces when they open even the most minuscule of gifts, such as shitty toy garments to dress whatever doll is popular this year. Most of us even film the exact same routine that immediately follows…”what do you say?” “Thank you Aunt Martha!” “Go over and give Aunty Mar Mar a big hug and kiss, her old ass might be dead next year.” Then, we go to work, and show all of these photographs to our co-workers, and they do not give the slightest least flying fuck about these damn kids that aren’t even ours. But, they pretend to…we need that.

95. The Go! Team
"Yosemite Theme"  4:10
Rolling Blackouts
Brighton, England

Opening presents is a ritual that brings much joy and happiness to the entire world. Most white people live for this moment, and many of these gifts are often cherished for average time span of 4-6 days. Each household has a different routine for gift opening. Some crackers open all the shit at once, some, one at a time. Normally, some little kid is delegated the role of playing Santa, which means the little mother fucker gets to retrieve the shit from underneath the tree and pass them out to the other white people in the family. Sometimes, children will get into fist fights over who gets to play Santa. Christmas is ruined because little Joey got to play Santa, not little Nicole, who is currently pouting in her room, attempting to conjure demons from the supernatural based on a book of spells Aunt Connie bought for her.

94. WU LYF
"We Bros"  6:27
Go Tell Fire to the Mountain
Manchester, England

Each year for Christmas, I buy all the children stupid shit. I have no problem buying clothes for 8 year old boys who would rather have something to play with, such as an assault rifle. The children tell me thanks, but they are ordered to do so by their parents. These kids have no interest whatsoever in the gifts that I purchase them, but are forced to pretend they like them. Every single year, at least one child is scolded by his/her parents for not displaying immense enthusiasm after opening an outfit I purchased from Wal Mart that are outdated, ugly, and holds a price tag of $8.99. Nobody ever says shit to me though. Instead, they are apologetic…sorry Aunt Wilma, this fucking little brat has no manners. The clothes you purchased are wonderful.

93. Bill Callahan
"America!"  5:33
Silver Spring, MD/Austin, TX

Every year, Aunt Wilma wears the most ridiculous looking clothes over to the house for Christmas. I would not fuck Aunt Wilma even if I were sloppy drunk and somebody paid me a million dollars. Then, this grubby ass fat bitch buys all these little lice infested brats clothes, the same style of shit she wears. And when they do not act as if they will suddenly become the coolest kids in their classes after dressing like Aunt Wilma, frequently spotted on the “seen at Wal Mart” website, their parents beat the living shit out of them and I have to listen to them cry. I just sit here and think of excuses on how to leave, but I can’t, there’s one person here who always puts a wrench in the system.

92. The Dø
"The Calendar"  4:06
Both Ways Open Jaws
Paris, France

I am creative. I do not like to mail out ordinary Christmas cards, with the traditional cookies. Each year, I do something different. This year, rather than make Christmas cookies, fudge, or whatever shit people eat at Christmas, I cooked up a meatloaf. And what I did, I sliced up the meatloaf, and put a slice onto a paper plate then covered it up with plastic wrap. I placed the covered plate of meatloaf, with a Christmas card scotched taped to the plastic film, into a yellow envelope and sent them as gifts. I mailed out 237 of these.

91. Unknown Mortal Orchestra
"Jello and Juggernauts"  3:20
London, England

During Christmas dinner, if I notice somebody not eating one of the side dishes, I will confront that person about it. How come you didn’t eat any coleslaw? If they are honest, and state they do not like coleslaw, I will proceed to make personal attacks on that person. I will spend the next several minutes explaining how Cousin Veronica makes that coleslaw every year, and what it means to the family. Throughout the entirety of that person trying to eat the meal, I will question all of the decisions this person has ever made regarding food. I will pass judgment on this person, and assume that he/she is the ultimate prick for not eating Cousin Veronica’s coleslaw.

90. The Horrors
"Monica Gems"  4:29
Portland, OR

I go to my girlfriend’s family’s house for Christmas, and within an hour, I have no interest in my girlfriend. She has at least 9 people in her family that I consider smoking hot, including her mom. I would rather her not bother me while I am conversing with her sister, her cousin April, her Aunt Rachel, and some other random chick that showed up who lives in the neighborhood. However, all of these women think that I am a loser and encourage my girlfriend to finally get rid of me once and for all. And to think, I spend $72,419 on Christmas gifts for these women this year…even bought her Aunt Elaine an engagement ring.

89. Implodes
"Marker"  5:13
Black Earth
Chicago, IL

I opened the present, and pretended to like it. However in my mind: “Potpourri! What the fuck am I going to do with potpourri! What? Are these mother fuckers trying to say my house stinks? Shit, mother fucker, I am a man! And a man don’t even know what the fuck to even do with this shit! What? Am I supposed to pack it in my bong and smoke it? Hell, that’s what they should have gotten me, a mother fucking water bong. I don’t need any of this shit. Why am I even here?

88. White Denim
"Keys"  4:03
Austin, TX

I opened my present and was immediately thrilled. Aunt Bonnie always gets me the perfect gift, and this year she came through again. This shower curtain with blue fish on it was exactly what I was wanting, and it matches my bathroom perfectly. It’s as if Aunt Bonnie is completely in tune with my needs. One year, I would like save up a bunch of money and buy Aunt Bonnie something really nice, something special, because this is what she deserves. Thanks Aunt Bonnie! This is going to best Christmas ev-errr!

87. Parts & Labor
"Rest"  3:07
Constant Future
New York, NY

We go around and see what everybody got for Christmas. Little Jimmy: A Dio CD! Aunt Donna: A garden hose (she sprays the hose right at us.) Little Madison: The palace kingdom of bionic dinosaurs! Uncle Lloyd: a gadget that I have no clue what the fuck it’s for! Uncle Hubert: More underwear. Christina: an assortment of whicker decorations! Grandpa Wilson: And Hickory Farms smoked sausage, my favorite. Grandpa Wilson winks at us.

86. Mike Watt
"Hollowed-Out Man"  2:04
Portsmouth, VA/San Pedro CA

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, could you light a candle? There is no response. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, could you light a candle? Grandpa Herman and Grandma Elizabeth are seated next to each other in rocking chairs. Elizabeth! Could you light a candle? Grandpa Herman looks over at Elizabeth. He is reading the newspaper, she is slouched over in her rocker, with a gift still in her lap. Elizabeth, could you light a candle? She slides a bit down the chair, and then her head suddenly falls off and onto the floor, bouncing a couple of times. From her neck, blood sprays right at all of us until we are covered in blood. In the midst of being sprayed with Grandma Elizabeth’s blood, her springs up and stares right at us with a crazed demonic look.

85. Smith Westerns
"Still New"  4:10
Dye It Blonde
Chicago, IL

Knowing Grandpa Wilson’s infatuation with Hickory Farm’s Smoked Sausage, when I went to the other family’s house for Christmas, I decided to get George a nice huge 24 ounce Usinger’s summer sausage. George was there, wearing a Santa hat, as he gleefully opened the package. There it was, the sausage I bought him. “Hey George,” somebody yelled out from across the room, “show Aunt Margaret your big huge sausage!” George smiled, and held up the huge sausage I had purchased for him. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!

84. Night Beats
"Ain't a Ghost"  2:39
Seattle, WA

Every year, Uncle Carl comes over and stops up the toilet. I caught him coming out of the bathroom and confronted him on the spot. “Carl,” I interrogated, “did you just take a shit in my bathroom?” This had caused a scene, and the rest of the family sprung from their cages to see what was the matter. Carl tried to lie, and at first he said he didn’t take a shit, but then declared that he did take a shit, and this was the place to do it- the bathroom. I opened up the door to investigate. There was a turd still floating in the toilet, but at least it wasn’t stopped up this time. However, it took several flushes, and this turd would still not go down the drain. I made Uncle Carl scoop the turd out of the commode and take it outside; I was tired of his poor bathroom etiquette.

83. Faust
"Dampfauslass 1"  3:21
Something Dirty
Hamburg, Germany

Christmas season is that time of the year where people get to congregate with other people they hardly know, or in some cases, have never even met. Some people utilize this as an opportunity to lie to others in order to sound impressive. Or, others attempt to impress entire households of people they have never met with one-liners about work, alcohol consumption, periodic cuss words, jokes, and other assorted material that lets people know quickly where they really stand on a variety of issues. Others simply remain quiet throughout the duration of the gathering, never starting a conversation, but participating in whatever topics of discussion that is imposed upon them. Every single household has several members in the holiday gathering who nobody knows their name, and people who do not know the names of others. Some families may be very confusing, especially since some aunts and uncles have been married to the same people within the house and have children with each other’s spouses. My advice, don’t try to figure it all out. Just eat your cake and shut the fuck up- it will all be over before you know it, and you won't remeber any of these bastards anyway.

82. PJ Harvey
"Written On The Forehead"  3:40
Let England Shake
Yeovil, England

It is never a good idea to discuss religion or politics in a household in which you do not know one single person there. Although there is the possibility that bashing a certain politician will immediately create allies at the in-laws holiday gathering, but it could also create substantial enemies. It is ok if you know for a fact the person you are speaking to is in 100% agreement, but do not assume Grandma Mable hates republicans as much as you do. It is never a good idea to go to somebody’s house at Christmas time and start talking shit about Jesus and other religious figures. Let’s face it, it’s his birthday, and it’s the day to at least show some respect. On this day, the Atheists are expected to participate in prayer; although many will complain because they do not have their own personal holiday.

81. The Decemberists
"All Arise!"  3:10
The King Is Dead
Portland, OR

When I go to my family’s house for Christmas, it immediately gets quiet. The family has been talking shit about me all the way up to the moment in which arrive…drunk off my ass at 1:24 PM just like I do every year. Even though I am already drunk and it’s only early afternoon, I will continue drinking throughout the whole day. I will interrupt conversations and add my own stupid comments, which are often irrelevant to the conversation. I buy gifts for everybody, stupid gag gifts that nobody besides me finds funny. Most of my family members are uncomfortable with my mere presence and wished that I never would have even showed up. The best compliment I can receive is: “well, he wasn’t that bad this year.”

80. Boubacar Traoré
"Minuit"  4:15
Mali Denhou
Kayes, Mali

Later that evening, Grandpa Collins made microwave popcorn. Yay! The kids were ecstatic, they had never had such a luxurious treat as microwave popcorn—although they had heard about it. Suddenly, Grandpa Collins was the most popular person in the family. They stormed into the kitchen and assisted Grandpa Collins with making the microwave popcorn, and watched in awe as the bag inflated in the microwave. After it was finished, the kids sat quietly, watching Christmas movies, enjoying the gourmet treat of microwave popcorn. Every ten minutes, they would thank Grandpa Collins; “thank you Grandpa Collins for making us microwave popcorn.” Little Angelica hugged Grandpa Collins, “oh Grandpa, I love you so much! Thank you again for making us microwave popcorn.” Little Ricky called his friends from Grandpa’s landline—“guess what, my Grandpa made us microwave popcorn!” Even as they were leaving, with the whole family standing on the porch waving at the car as it backed out of the driveway, they waved back, thanking Grandpa for making microwave popcorn. This is going to be the best Christmas ev-errr!

79. Akron/Family
"Another Sky"  5:13
S/T II: The Cosmic Birth and Journey of Shinju TNT
New York, NY

Some relatives see other relatives they haven’t seen in years, such as Cousin Mary who had been residing in Palestine, Texas. Although merely seeing these people brings much joy and happiness, the conversation pieces are rarely stimulating. Most often, they stand around outside, and upon haven’t seeing each other in 9 years, they simply discuss where they are working, remember when we did this, have you seen this nigger, I saw this person 6 years ago, that friend of your Uncle Howard is dead, I am not the same person I was 9 years ago. But, it sure was nice seeing you again, and I will probably not see you again in 7 years, but if I saw you at some random place such as Pick ‘N Save in 5 years, I would not recognize you…and you may even get on my nerves. But, I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life.

78. Spokes
"Torn Up In Praise"  4:54
Everyone I Ever Met
Manchester, England

For all practical purposes, Great Grandpa Charles should have been placed in a home years ago. But, he is still around. However, he is totally oblivious to all of those surrounding him. Somebody went to the extreme to introduce Debbie’s new boyfriend Pete to him several hours, and he no longer remembers him. Oh look, somebody got Great Grandpa Charles a present, let’s listen in on his thought patterns as he opens it.
(As Great Grandpa Charles opens the present, he has the same blank look on his face, and has that disorder where his mouth constantly moves up and down at a rapid pace; up above him, is another image of Great Grandpa Charles, the one that shows his thought processes.)
Both expressions on Great Grandpa Charles is the exact same. As we listen to his thought processes, all we can hear is static white noise. He opens the present, socks with kittens on them, but has no clue what they are. The white noise is temporarily interrupted with the voice of Aunt Connie, in a echoed harrowing tone that resembles an acid trip, “those are socks, socks, socks. They’re from Aunt Charlene….ene ene ene.” The white noise returns. Great Grandpa’s face remains the same. He already forgot the socks, it’s been 9 seconds.

77. True Widow
"Doomser"  9:06
As High As the Highest Heavens and From the Center to the Circumference of the Earth
Dallas, TX

Stephanie’s sister, Anni, developed leukemia at age 10. Miraculously, she is still alive and the leukemia is in remission. The family prayed every day for her, and the prayers were answered. Although she is completely bald, she is active, frivolous, and has what is considered a spunky personality. She is so frivolous, that she just fell down the steps. It was a hard tumble, one that sent her crashing onto each step and into the ceramic nativity scene. All of the family gathered around in shock, hoping little Anni was going to be ok. It was obvious that little bald head was going to need a few stitches, but she would be ok. As the ambulance took her away, they all had to pray for again, hoping she would not have any lingering effects from the concussion.

76. Cage The Elephant
"Flow"  7:44
Thank You, Happy Birthday
Bowling Green, KY/London, England

It had been a good Christmas. The season ended, people threw away all their decorations, bought new ones that were now on sale. The seasons changed, and people soon forgot Christmas, cousin Mary, and all the others they had not seen or heard from since, and won’t until next Christmas. Little Joey and his sisters found a quarter on the ground in the middle of July however. It’s the right thing to do, they thought. With the quarter, they walked over to nearest pay phone and made the call. “Grandpa! Thanks again for making us microwave popcorn!”

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts