2011/10/19

The Top 75 Songs of 1988

The Top 125 Songs of 1988 + At War with Television, Tiffany, and Satan
Part 1: Amanda and Her God Damn Tiffany T-Shirt/Purnell and His Bullshit that Drove The Counselor Crazy
Part 2: Mayhem in the Ice Cream Truck
Part 3: Haunted Golf Course
Part 4: Emergence of The Killer
Part 5: Alone at Last With Tiffany... Television Gang Fight



Part III: Haunted Golf Course


Larry was standing on the green, teeing up for the putt. He was dressed in his silly golf clothes, as usual, the clothes he assumed gave him prestigious status in society. There was no prestige wearing these clothes. He squared up for the putt, hit the ball, the ball rolled, rolled, curved, and into the hole. Start the music now...




75. Danzig
"Twist of Cain"  4:18
S/T
Lodi, NJ

The ball popped back out of the hole. Out followed a snake, then an army of demons who then proceeded to attack Larry. He scolded the demons for not playing a fair game of golf, and tried to run. The demons caught Larry, took his clubs and flung them in the forest. They stripped off his clothes and then put them on themselves, laughed at one another, mocking Larry. As Larry stood there naked, the demons clothed him in a Tiffany T-shirt, tied him to the golf cart, and pushed the cart rolling down the hill. It crashed into a tree and exploded.
74. Ludwig Von 88
"Mon Couer S'envole"  3:02
Sprint
Paris, France

The demons ravaged the entire golf course, terrorizing the other golfers. They would say things to scare them, making them miss their shot, they would kick the golf balls away making it difficult for the golfers to find them, balls were thrown into the lake. An immovable fence surrounded the golf course, entrapping the golfers, they could not leave. Suddenly, the golf course became their own private Hell.
73. The Pogues
"Fairytale of New York"  4:37
If I Should Fall From Grace With God
London, England

Fanny got her husband Jack a set of golf clubs for Christmas. Once he opened up all of the golf clubs, in which she had wrapped one at a time, she apprehended the final one, a 6 iron, and beat him with it. Simply put, Fanny was sick and tired of Jack's shit. Jack was beaten to death, stripped of his clothing, re-dressed in a bloody Tiffany T-shirt, then his body was dumped at the golf course. Fanny was finally free.
72. Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds
"Deanna"  3:45
Tender Prey
Berlin, Germany/UK/Australia

Fanny was spotted dumping the body, but it did not matter, it was just her friend Deanna. Deanna was married to Oliver, Jack's friend. Jack and Oliver had the same fate on the exact same Christmas. Fanny assisted Deanna with getting Oliver out of the trunk, and helped dispose of his Tiffany T-shirt wearing dead body right on top of Jack. They dropped Oliver down the hill, he was a few feet from Jack, 2nd shot, they squared up for par, shot #3, Oliver was on top of Jack- the two women scored it a 3, hi-fived, then went home and ate a delicious Christmas dinner.
71. Soundgarden
"Beyond the Wheel"  4:22
Ultramega OK
Seattle, WA

Hole 13, par 5. Melvin was having a decent golf day, by his standards. His drive hooked towards the woods. He found the ball, and squared up for his next shot. A person appeared. Then disappeared. Was it a hallucination? Then re-appeared. A bloody corpse wearing a Tiffany T-shirt. Melvin rubbed his eyes. It was gone. But, now, standing by the hole. Staring at Melvin. He ditched his clubs and took up bowling as his new recreation.
70. L.A. Guns
"Electric Gypsy"  3:48
S/T
Los Angeles, CA

Melvin's boyfriend, Eric, was going through a phase where he decided he wasn't gay anymore. Eric decided he wanted to have sex with a woman, being as he always felt up their breasts anyway insisting that this was perfectly fine because he was gay and gay men are allowed to do this. Melvin, nor Barbara, nor Barbara's husband Polanco appreciated the gesture. They pinned him against the wall, rolling bowling balls at him. Eric decided to take up golf as his new recreational activity.
69. Wargasm
"Revenge"  7:02
Why Play Around?
Boston, MA

Eric showed up at the golf course with a bowling ball and decided it would be more fun to try to roll a bowling ball into the hole. It was a lot of fun. But, the golf course was haunted, by several demons, ghosts in Tiffany T-shirts. The violation brought forth a different ghost, each time was sure to resurrect something. Eric and his bowling ball brought forth the ghost of Larry, still smoldering, Tiffany T-shirt still blackened from the fire. Eric's bowling ball turned to fire, flew back at him, and burned his face off. Take golf more seriously you fucking sissy!
68. GG Allin
"Dope Money"  2:47
Freaks, Faggots, Drunks & Junkies
Lancaster, NH (1956)-New York, NY (1993)

Charlie sold his golf clubs so he could buy drugs with the money. After that fix was cured, he would hang out at the country club and do sexual favors to the other guys for money, to cure his fix. Eric appeared as a ghost. Charlie sensed a hallucination, saw the reality, and knew it was time for a fix. He offered to suck Eric's cock for $8. Eric obliged. His sacked swelled to a flaming bowling ball right when Charlie had it in his mouth, Charlie should have taken up tennis.
67. Savage Republic
"So It is Written"  3:06
Jamahiriya
Los Angeles, CA

There were mysterious photographs taken. In the background, we can see images of ghosts, disfigured, wearing Tiffany T-shirts. These people had never been seen. Soon, people were too frightened to golf there. After a couple holes, it would get quiet, the wind would blow, mysterious images glowing in the trees, a Tiffany T-shirt blowing across the fairway. It was time to leave. Fuck golf.
66. Cheap Trick
"The Flame"  5:36
Lap of Luxury
Rockford, IL

Lloyd had not been the same since Jamera left. He loved. Then, she got on his nerves, and he started thinking about all the pussy he could be getting if it weren't for her. He broke up with her, she left for good, sad. Lloyd embraced a new, exciting lifestyle. It never came. None of the other women were interested. Lloyd was suddenly all alone. He wanted Jamera back. But, she was gone, long gone, dating some guy named Peter. She was happy. He wasn't. Lloyd stayed home, alone, singing, like in a musical, vacuuming the floor, reminiscing about Jamera, and going bowling.
65. Eric B. & Rakim
"Follow the Leader"  5:24
Follow the Leader
New York, NY

Lloyd couldn't bowl worth a shit. His score was a meager 58 after nine frames, those around him found him annoying, and his date was watching the clock to see how much longer she had to endure this date with Lloyd- it became obvious why Jamera never came back. Pedro could bowl like a mother fucker. With the grace of an endangered bird, and an array of stylish trick shots, Pedro unleashed a 262 in the next lane. Lloyd's date was impressed, so impressed that she left with him.
64. Candlemass
"Bearer of Pain"  7:23
Ancient Dreams
Stockholm, Sweden

The rain poured down. It was a dark, scary night at the golf course. Jack came to life. So did Oliver. So did Larry. So did that sissy Eric. So did the demons. They emerged from the grounds, ruining the greens, and walked towards the clubhouse. Eric decided he wasn't a sissy and was still pissed at Larry for killing him. Larry's life back from the dead was short, for Eric pushed him into the lake...though Oliver docked Eric 2 strokes for that move. The evil gang, all wearing Tiffany T-shirts, burned down the clubhouse, and stood in the flames laughing. The Preacherman surfaced from the flames during the guitar solo, playing guitar amidst the blaze that slowly spread through the whole golf course.
63. Янка Дягилева (Yana Dyagileva)
"Деклассированным элементам"  6:19
Деклассированным элементам
Novosibirsk, Russia  (1966-1991)

Deanna and Fanny were spooning together on the couch watching a movie. Strange noises came from the kitchen. There was nothing there. That creepy wind blew in from the window. It sounded as if something was creeping around upstairs. Nothing. Maybe it was just the scary movie making them feel this way, but they were watching The Breakfast Club again. It was frightening. They held each other tight. The door burst open, loudly, they screamed! It was Fred with a bag of shit he got from the store. Who the fuck is Fred? Wrong house. Sorry.
62. The House of Love
"Christine"  3:28
S/T
Islington, England

Christine ran out into the rain with a fly swatter. She chased after Fred carrying that bag of shit that he purchased from whatever fucking store he was just at. Fred was supposed to be over hours ago. Now, he was spotted running out of Deanna & Fanny's house. Christine beat Fred down with the fly swatter in the middle of the street. She accused Fred of killing Oliver and Jack. She pried open the sewer cover, and then rolled Fred down into the hole in the middle of the street. She did, at least, replace the lid...hint hint! Next time you kill somebody and dispose of the body down the sewer, replace the fucking lid will you!
61. The Woodentops
"Heaven"  4:09
Wooden Foot Cops on the Highway
London, England

Just as the golf ball popped back up out of the hole, Fred popped back up out of the sewer- not replacing the lid. It made a weird noise, that kept repeating. Jimmy came out of his house strumming a guitar. Fred started singing. After the first verse, Kurt came out of his home, playing bass, Pedro the bowler lived on this street, drums. Fred replaced the lid as he sung, what a voice! A voice so good, Deanna & Fanny watched in awe, singing back up when needed ("Heaven.") Fred approached Christine, removed the fly swatter from her hands, and as he sang, the fly swatter turned into a bouquet of pretty flowers. Christine was forgiven, because she had replaced the lid on the sewer. So was Fred. 4:09 later, it was like it never happened.
60. Died Pretty
"Out Of My Hands"  4:20
Lost
Sydney, AU

The rain had stopped. The sun was up. Oliver and Jack were heading home, home to Deanna and Fanny. However, they were stopped, by Mr. Ice Cream Man. He held them at gun point, smoking a cigarette. Killer Klowns sprung from the branches of the trees and onto the streets. They demanded their Tiffany T-shirts. Mr. Ice Cream Man gave the two $14, then slapped them upside the head.
59. The Sugarcubes
"Birthday"  3:59
Life's Too Good
Reykjavik, Iceland

Desmond was working in the yard. Something about these two seemed vaguely familiar. It reminded him of 1783, back when he died. He returned as well. Some say you can easily spot a person who has just recently returned from the dead, perhaps by the look in his eye, her eye, the walk, the speech, the Tiffany T-shirt. But, these two men were stripped of their Tiffany T-shirt. Desmond waved at the two men. It seemed so strange, they waved back. Momentarily, they forgot about Deanna and Fanny. A new friendship was formed. A common interest of coming back from the dead trumps liking the same pizza.
58. Circus of Power
"Machine"  3:19
S/T
New York, NY

The three new BFF's decided to throw a party, also invited, Eric, Fred, and some demons from the golf course. It was toast! A celebration. Here's to coming back from the dead! The party was festive and getting loud and crazy. That is, until an army of Ice Cream Sandwiches emerged from the freezer with rifles. Don't ever discredit coming back from the dead, believe me, I know. The party fought back, and the Ice Cream Sandwiches were destroyed.
57. The Wonder Stuff
"A Song Without an End"  4:08
Eight Legged Groove Machine
Stourbridge, England

Desmond hated TV, obviously, and hated golf also. Larry, Oliver, and these other bastards were given a hard lesson on life, and the dangers of golf, and how it is plaguing the world. The school counselor burst in with a rifle. These sons of bitches were wrong. Golf is great and comes from God. People who play golf have class. That, these people were once decent, then what? Satan? Drugs? Heavy metal music? You should all be like me, and play some golf!
56. Leevi And The Leavings
"Amalia"  3:15
Häntä Koipien Välissä
Helsinki, Finland

Add an army of Ice Cream Sandwiches that came back to life. The counselor received another lecture, and had to witness another dance routine- this one only 3:15 as opposed to the 9:07 she had to endure at her home. Desmond and the guys were impressed, they sat on the sofa, smiling, cheerfully swaying and clapping to the song. Occasionally, they would chime in with a few la la las here and there.
55. Death Angel
"Bored"  3:29
Frolic Through the Park
San Francisco, CA

Patty called up The Preacherman and invited her over to the ice cream truck. First, Mr. Ice Cream dumped her shortly after they had sex in a lawn. The 7'3" Ice Cream Sandwich wore it out in some random guy's kitchen, then a bunch of midget Ice Cream Sandwiches ran a train on her, and now the 7'3" was shacked up with some slut from the next neighborhood. What was her problem? Satan? The Preacherman listened to this bullshit for several minutes then ransacked the back of the ice cream truck, spilling sno-cone flavors all over the floor, and even got out and flattened the tires.
54. World Domination Enterprises
"Ghetto Queen"  2:46
Let's Play Domination
London, England

The counselor witnessed The Preacherman destroying Patty's stolen ice cream while Gary just sat and watched. As The Preacherman left, the counselor insisted she had it coming for quite some time because she did not listen to her, and did not make wise career choices, unlike her. Patty got this bitch in the headlock and wrestled her to the ground. Mr. Ice Cream Man, still wanting to be just friends, came out and kicked the counselor while she was down. Patty held her hostage and took the counselor with her tied up in the truck.
53. Гражданская Оборона (Grazhdanskaya Oborona)
"Иуда будет в раю"  2:01
Боевой стимул (Combat Motivation)
Omsk, Russia

The golf course was still haunted by one ghost, Larry. As a ghost, Larry was not frightening, but annoying. He glowed in the trees, with his Tiffany T-shirt, he would scold other golfers for the way they stroked, or how they dressed. Morgan couldn't take this bullshit anymore. At hole 13, she pulled a gun out of her bag, put the gun in her mouth, and shot herself. The next thing you could see was Morgan chasing Larry around the woods, throwing golf balls at the back of his head.
52. Steve Earle
"Copperhead Road"  4:30
Copperhead Road
Ft. Monroe, VA/New York, NY

Patty, with the counselor as her hostage, went to the Adamson's home where they made moonshine and sold it for a decent price. However, this wasn't the typical moonshine distillery; it was in the exact same subdivision with the other white people. But, you needed a secret knock to get in. Patty knew the knock. She purchased a bottle with the money she stole from the children who were anticipating ice cream. From her purse, she pulled a small vessel, broke it, and poured it into the glass of moonshine. The counselor had to drink the moonshine or else.
51. The Style Council
"The Garden of Eden: A Three Piece Suite"  10:30
Confessions of a Pop Group
London, England

It was a pleasant day, really. Killer Klowns smoking weed with Mr. Ice Cream Man. Desmond, Oliver, and Jack working in the yard, grilling burgers, cheerfully. Deanna and Fanny, sitting on the back porch with their feet propped up on each other, The Preacherman, walking around, waving at the neighbors, Christine and Fred with hearts floating in the air after being awarded a prize for good citizenship because they each replaced the lid on the sewer. Lloyd was entering, a new visitor. Underneath the house of moonshine, shun an orange light; smoke was coming from the windows. Something extraordinary was taking place.





NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX Best Songs of 1988:  125-101  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1





Top Image by: Catch It Kansas
Top Right by: LASR
Bottom Left Image by: Flickr
Bottom Center Image by: Cheapass Gamer
Bottom Right Image by: Dominic DeVille

1 comment:

  1. Did you know that you can make cash by locking special sections of your blog or site?
    All you need to do is open an account on AdscendMedia and embed their content locking tool.

    ReplyDelete

Popular Posts