2011/10/19

The Top 50 Songs of 1988

The Top 125 Songs of 1988 + At War with Television, Tiffany, and Satan
Part 1: Amanda and Her God Damn Tiffany T-Shirt/Purnell and His Bullshit that Drove The Counselor Crazy
Part 2: Mayhem in the Ice Cream Truck
Part 3: Haunted Golf Course
Part 4: Emergence of The Killer
Part 5: Alone at Last With Tiffany... Television Gang Fight



Part IV: Emergence of The Killer




50. Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
"Mr. Tuna's Big Old Place"  3:41
Wormed By Leonard
San Francisco, CA

Right in the middle of the yard, it sprouted. A TV that Renaldo had publicly executed rose from the dead. Without any power running to it, it magically turned on, to a religious channel, then to the news; it changed channels by itself about every 2 minutes. There it sat, in one of those grass areas in-between the street and the sidewalk. People in the neighborhood gathered around it, watching it, wondering where it came from. It was rooted into the ground like a tree.
49. The Gories
"I Think I've Had It"  2:11
House Rockin'
Detroit, MI

The Preacherman walked by it, curious himself. He rolled up his newspaper and whacked the top of it violently. Then, he tried to kick it, but it was solid, not moving. He ordered everybody to get away from it, but nobody listened, even though he constantly had to listen to their bullshit. Finally, he just walked away. Piss on them. And their TV set.
48. Ultra Vivid Scene
"A Dream of Love"  4:05
S/T
New York, NY

Lorraine rushed down the steps and out her front door to see why everybody was standing out in front of her house. Usually, nobody ever visits Lorraine; it’s as if she has poor personal hygiene. When she saw everybody in her yard, she got excited...then, music filled the air, and Lorraine sang this song. Nobody paid her any attention, they all watched the TV, but Lorraine felt a special happiness as she sang.
47. Agony Column
"66 Six Guns For Satan"  2:06
God, Guns, & Guts
Austin, TX

The Preacherman was returning to the scene with Mr. Ice Cream Man, the TV had to be stopped, or at least changed to a decent channel. Lorraine stopped The Preacherman, went on and on about how she finally has guests. The Preacherman backed away from her, he was not particularly fond of her personal hygiene. He listened to this bullshit for several minutes, then went onto her porch and trashed it. Mr. Ice Cream Man beat down her porch swing with a bat, grabbed one side, The Preacherman on the other, and they hurled the porch swing into the crowd of spectators watching the TV. They were unmoved, except for Mrs. Bertram, who dropped to the ground after the porch swing ricocheted into the back of her legs.
46. The Fall
"Frenz"  3:29
The Frenz Experiment
Manchester, England

Oliver and Jack were working merrily in Desmond's garden. Oliver was wearing nothing but his Tiffany T-shirt and when he knelt down, you could see his balls exposed. Desmond was happy. A band magically appeared; Desmond stood up, and sang, like in a musical movie. As he sang, Oliver and Jack kept working in the garden. Mr. and Mrs. Helston spotted Oliver's balls, and giggled. Desmond was still singing. The Helston's waved, all three waved back.
45. Half Japanese
"Snake Line"  2:09
Charmed Life
Coldwater, MI

Annabelle and Sherman were sitting on their balcony enjoying a cocktail. Annabelle was wearing an 1870's style dress and holding a parasol over her; Sherman was sporting his Cleveland Cavaliers jersey he thought made him look elegantly handsome with his baggy pants. Annabelle bet Sherman $37 that she could jump off the balcony, onto the trampoline in the yard, and bounce back up onto the balcony. She leaped, hit the trampoline, shot back into the air, past the balcony, way into the sky, and never returned.
44. The Feelies
"Away"  5:28
Only Life
Haledon, NJ

Sherman smiled, and got out of his seat. The musicians played on the rooftops. Sherman envisioned that he would leap onto the trampoline, and bounce up to his lover, Annabelle, and they would joyfully float through the heavens, smiling, holding hands. He put down his blunt, and walked over to the edge of the balcony. Sherman jumped. Sherman actually missed the trampoline and he fell flat onto the ground, creating a cloud of dust. Once the dust settled, there was a massive hole in the lawn, the shape of Sherman with his arms spread out. He, too, never returned.
43. Pere Ubu
"Say Goodbye"  5:00
The Tenement Year
Cleveland, OH

People lined up for miles to the hole in which Sherman created, with each of them carrying either a television or a set of golf clubs. It was rumored that dropping your most treasured possession down this hole would bring good luck. How did they know this? The TV that sprouted from the ground told them so. And each of them tossed their belongings down a hole. It was going well until Barney launched a bag of Doritos down the hole. Bill suddenly sprang up from the hole, ordered Barney to hold on to these Doritos, they're too valuable.
42. Suicide
"Devastation"  4:02
A Way of Life
New York, NY

The channel changed to a blank screen. A man entered, walked right up to the screen. He was in a room all alone. They could only see his face now. He was in black and white. The man in the TV looked around, as if he were looking at the spectators. "You are all in great danger. A great terror lurks, lurks among you. He is here now." They looked around. There he was…a strange man, wearing dark sunglasses, walking on a sidewalk that appeared to floating on top of the regular sidewalk. "Beware. All of you."
41. Razor
"Edge of the Razor"  4:14
Violent Restitution
Guelph, ON  Canada

The man in the sunglasses walked over to Francis's house. She was not present, but they all knew Francis. Everybody rushed the man with the sunglasses, but he was not affected, not by the stones pelted at him, nor by the names they called him. Any attempt to detract him was a failure. He entered the house of Francis, knocked down the door; the man disappeared out of sight. The spectators heard a loud rustling from inside, the screams of Francis, a loud banging, and then silence. The man in the sunglasses walked back outside.
40. A.R. Kane
"Dizzy"  3:47
69
London, England

The TV screen changed channels. It displayed Francis in her living room searching underneath the couch cushions for loose change so she could buy a pack of cigarettes. On the screen, the crowd watched as the killer entered, busted through the door, they watched the struggle, and then the murder of Francis right there on the television screen.
39. Tracy Chapman
"Fast Car"  4:57
S/T
Cleveland, OH

Sandy had wanted to leave this neighborhood for years. Also, she had a crush on Bernard, and had one for years. They dated periodically, on and off, it was one of those types. After they watched Francis get killed, Sandy got her acoustic guitar and strummed as she approached Bernard. She sang to him, like in a musical. As she sang, Bernard was mesmerized, escorted her to his car, and they escaped. The TV screen became a music video, depicting Sandy singing to Bernard, years from now, escaped the neighborhood, feeling as if she belonged. But, the killer went to the store where Sandy was a check-out girl, cut off her head, and tossed out into the camera...the head flew out of the TV and rolled into the road.
38. Galaxie 500
"Tugboat"  3:55
Today
Boston, MA

Reginald also sought to get away. He did recently. On TV, he was on his boat; he escaped the life that was plaguing him. The ship was smoothly sailing. The killer was under water. He pulled out a device and rammed it into the boat. The boat sank, and water spilled from the TV into the yard. Out of the TV came Reginald, and the killer, who sliced up Archie and his wife Helen for no reason.
37. Guns N' Roses
"Patience"  5:56
G N' R Lies
Los Angeles, CA

Lloyd was strolling through the subdivision he had never seen before, strumming his acoustic guitar, singing, singing a song for his lost love Jamera. Then he stopped, there was a crowd of people, all watching TV. As he approached the crowd, they all began singing (just a little patience, yea yea) like in a musical movie. As he watched the TV screen, he sang out loud, strumming. There was Jamera, on the TV screen, getting fucked in the ass by her new lover Pedro. The killer entered their bedroom, drew a knife, and lunged it into Jamera...right before the knife made its mortal wound, the screen went to a commercial.
36. Leonard Cohen
"Tower of Song"  5:38
I'm Your Man
Montreal, QC  Canada

The killer stepped through the TV screen. A band appeared on the screen, playing a song. Now, like a musical, the killer sang, to the group. The women in the crowd, even though in great danger, sang the "ooh ooh, da-do-dum-dum" parts. Give the killer credit, he had style, and his performance mesmerized the crowd. The way he was dressed, that voice, the croon, and the way he moved. Suddenly, the women wanted to be killed by this lunatic, this tragic hero, this sexy villain. His dance routine in the street, albeit a slow sleek one, caused a stir or bewilderment.
35. Bailter Space
"New Man"  4:26
Tanker
Christchurch, New Zealand

The counselor was drunk off her ass on moonshine. After the smoke cleared, she was transformed into a sultry vixen. As she entered the streets, she wowed the audience with just the way she walked. The killer saw her. The TV man told her to kill this bitch. The Killer ordered the TV to "shut the fuck up", changed the channel with his remote control. The Killer and the counselor embraced in a kiss, he grabbed her ass. Francis came back to life, so did Jamera and the others. Everybody watched, wooed, whistled.
34. Deathwish
"Demon Preacher"  5:21
Demon Preacher
Brighton, England

The TV informed them of a new danger, a new killer that was going to come, take over, and kill everybody. The Preacherman listened to this bullshit for several minutes and decided he had heard enough. Ditto for the killer. The Preacherman showed up with Mr. Ice Cream Man, a gang of Tiffany T-shirt wearing bandits, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. They all opened fire on the TV set, smoldering it, sparks shot from the screen, it disintegrated, leaving only the TV man, wearing a Tiffany T-shirt. The killer approached, the TV guy ran, and jumped down the hole in which Sherman had fallen.
33. Happy Flowers
"I Crush Bozo"  3:19
I Crush Bozo
Charlottesville, VA

Lloyd pledged his love to Jamera, swore he would never lose her again; got down on his knees and begged for forgiveness. I love you Jamera, you have a great set of tits. The Preacherman listened to this bullshit for several minutes, and then decided he had heard enough. Mr. Ice Cream Man got this little twerp in the full nelson and The Preacherman gave him several upper cuts to the stomach. The Killer joined in, as all three had him down kicking him. Killer Klowns scooped him up, then dropped him down the hole.
32. The Residents
"Main Titles"  3:42
God in Three Persons
Shreveport, LA

Patty realized that she liked the killer. He informed him that this hoe he was getting ready to take home and nail was nothing but a slut counselor who goes on about how everybody should be enjoying shit banquets like she does. The Preacherman concurred. The killer was in disbelief. Patty wore off the spell, and the counselor was transfixed back into her bitch ass self. Nooo! The Killer screamed. Patty gave him moonshine, his head shook, orange smoke came out his ears.
31. Звуки Му (Zvuki Mu)
"Бойлер"  6:16
Простые Вещи
Moscow, Russia

The Killer fell madly in love with Patty. Furthermore, his personality was fixed, he was no longer a serial killer, no longer a threat, no longer of any interest to some TV viewers, a major interest to others, as he lustfully pinned Patty against the tree, ripped open her blouse, pulled up her skirt, and wore that shit out with everybody watching. Some of the audience lost interest because this was unsuitable for children; The Killer lost interest in Patty after he was done hittin' it.
30. Felt
"On Weegee's Sidewalk"  3:38
Train Above the City
Birmingham, England

Mr. Ice Cream Man and The Killer were having a cigarette together, talking about some bullshit they heard the other day at farmer's market. The topic got onto Patty, both of them was like, "shit man, you know, I just want to be friends and shit, I don't want no relationship." And that's when the idea struck them! They did a wonderful dance to this instrumental as they gathered all the necessary materials...which included a bottle of moonshine.
29. Tall Dwarfs
"The Slide"  3:47
Dogma
Dunedin, New Zealand

Patty was at the local playground, plotting her next scheme. She mixed some shit from the ice cream truck with that moonshine, dumped the shit in front of the slide, and created a nice batch of quicksand. Little Timmy Junior went down the slide, merrily, yelling "weee" and plopped right into the nice batch of quicksand, and the little mother fucker sank to the bottom. Mr. Ice Cream Man and The Killer approached Patty, she was hoping 3-way.
28. Straitjacket Fits
"Fabulous Things"  3:40
Hail
Dunedin, New Zealand

Sure, just to be nice, Mr. Ice Cream Man and The Killer obliged to a 3-way. Afterwards, the poured moonshine down her throat. After the smoke cleared, she looked just like Jamera. They had used another potion to bring Lloyd back from the hole (it had brought Sherman back too, but they didn't need Sherman so they tossed his ass back down). This loser thought Patty was Jamera, they got it on, and the little prick blew his wad in 38 seconds. Afterwards, Patty was no longer interested in him, but he kept following her around with stupid shit that he bought from K-mart.
27. The Waterboys
"The Stolen Child"  6:56
Fisherman's Blues
London, England

The spell combined two potions that only Patty knew how to use. Little Timmy Junior rose from the hole, dressed like Sherman, covered in quicksand. He was able to float, able to fly, and he lurked the night, the way a child wearing a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey normally does at this hour. The little brat didn't want his mommy or daddy, no, wanted revenge. As he floated through the streets to Patty's house, music played, and some old man followed along narrating. He floated up through Patty's vents, prepared to unleash his vengeance upon her. Patty saw him coming up from the vent, quickly opened her bottle and splashed some liquid on the vent, turning it into quicksand...that was the end of Little Timmy Junior.
26. Forbidden
"Follow Me"  7:02
Forbidden Evil
Hayward, CA
Annabelle landed. She ripped off her 1890's style dress, all she was wearing was a Tiffany T-shirt, nothing on underneath, bare foot. Something happened in that journey through the heavens, but nobody knows what. She did not return the same person. As she walked through the neighborhood, actually looking kind of sexy and evil at the same time, dogs barked at her, cats hissed, the animals scurried away. Margaret was told her little dog Elroy to shush, and then looked up at Annabelle. Petrified. She screamed, like in a horror movie. It woke up The Preacherman, who heard this bitch screaming for several minutes and decided it was bullshit. He darted out of his house, grabbed Margaret, and whipped her hiney with the dog leash. Then, he saw Annabelle, and thought to himself, what the fuck's a fine woman like that doing wearing a Tiffany T-shirt? Annabelle paid him no attention, and went back to prowling the streets.






NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX Best Songs of 1988:  125-101  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1


Top Image by: Emporio Armani Sunglasses
Top Right by: Regional Express
Bottom Left Image by: Chapps
Bottom Center Image by: Brentlewin Photography
Bottom Right Image by: Kate's Playground

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