2011/10/19

The Top 100 Songs of 1988

The Top 125 Songs of 1988 + At War with Television, Tiffany, and Satan
Part 1: Amanda and Her God Damn Tiffany T-Shirt/Purnell and His Bullshit that Drove The Counselor Crazy
Part 2: Mayhem in the Ice Cream Truck
Part 3: Haunted Golf Course
Part 4: Emergence of The Killer
Part 5: Alone at Last With Tiffany... Television Gang Fight



Part II: Mayhem in the Ice Cream Truck


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



100. Zodiac Mindwarp And The Love Reaction
"Prime Mover"  5:46
Tattooed Beat Messiah
London, England

Paula was still in high school the day she turned 18. The day after she turned 18, Paula's dad, then 41, decided it was time to make some serious changes in his life. He quit his office job, sold all of conservative clothes, bought a motorcycle, and did everything that was required for all of his daughter's friends to think he was cool. He even vandalized the counselor's house on Halloween.
99. Ministry
"Stigmata"  5:46
The Land of Rape and Honey
Chicago, IL/El Paso, TX

The terrified counselor called the minister due to concerns with what had happened with her home. She was the most helpful citizen in this community, and if the children were smart, they would listen to her, value her as a role model, and base their lives according to the standards she dictated at school. After several minutes of listening to this bullshit, The Preacher vandalized the interior of her home, broke all of her dishes, and unplugged her refrigerator spoiling all of her groceries.
98. Wire
"Boiling Boy"  6:23
A Bell is Cup
London, England

A friend dropped by Bill's house, and opted to stay to watch a sporting event. Bill had been in a good mood, and was anticipating this sporting event. However, Bill's friend, Clark, helped himself to a bag of Doritos and ate more than what Bill was comfortable with. Bill could no longer focus on the sporting event, and kept peering at Clark out the corner of his eye, monitoring the bag of Doritos. Clark thought nothing of this, and went on conversing with Bill as if everything was normal. Clark eventually ate the entire bag of Doritos and Bill's whole night was ruined.
97. The Dream Syndicate
"Someplace Better Than This"  3:39
Ghost Stories
Los Angeles, CA

Juanita felt it was about time she got some booty from her husband Cedric. She put on some negligee, and attempted to look sexy for Cedric as she lay across his lap. Cedric went ahead and pulled her titties out and began caressing them. As he was fondling his wife's breasts, he realized he was no longer attracted to her, and was merely going through the motions. He began visualizing a better life, in a new place, one without her.
96. Camper Van Beethoven
"The Fool"  2:37
Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart
Redlands, CA

Cedric had mixed emotions about the way his neighbor named Paula's Dad had been acting lately. Apparently, this cat used to work in an office making decent money analyzing figures for a large firm. Now, here he is tapping a keg at 9:00 in the morning on a Tuesday. He is just sitting there, drinking beer, without a care in the world. Cedric had a revelation, decided he had his whole life to get old, and went and joined his neighbor.
95. Patricio Rey y sus Redonditos de Ricota
"Todo un Palo"  7:26
Un Baion Para el ojo Idiota
Buenos Aires, Argentina

Gary had a summer job driving around an ice cream truck. Today, he didn't feel like working; he thought about calling in sick but realized Harold was already on vacation. He did not do a very good job today. As he pulled down the corner, he noticed there were far too many kids eagerly awaiting him than what he cared to deal with. Gary quickly did a u-turn and fled the neighborhood with a bunch of kids racing after him. He stepped on the gas and finally lost them.
94. Пикник  (Piknik)
"Я невидим"  6:05
Родом ниоткуда
St. Petersburg, Russia

Gary rolled down an alleyway and ducked out in the back of a vacant building. He shut off the engine, and went in the back of a truck to take a rest. Patty spotted the ice cream truck, approached it, peaked in the windows, saw Gary, and then banged on the door. Gary tried to shoo her away, but to no avail. Patty pulled some gadget out of her purse, unlocked the door, got in, hot-wired the ice cream truck, turned on the music, and strolled around the neighborhood with Gary still in the back.
93. Beat Happening
"Indian Summer"  3:05
Jamboree
Olympia, WA

Patty rolled down the same sub-division in which Gary had just fled ten minutes ago; Patty had no knowledge of this. Once on the block, a massive amount of kids and housewives emerged from hiding spots, jumping out of bushes, rising from the ground, storming out of homes, and up from the sewers dressed in camouflage with their faces painted. They bombarded the truck, flipped it over, ransacked the back, and all enjoyed tasty ice cream sitting on the sidewalk.
92. They Might Be Giants
"Where Your Eyes Don't Go"  3:06
Lincoln
Boston, MA/New York, NY

Patty walked past all the children, forcefully snatched the ice cream cones from their hands, and slapped each one of them across the face. With an armload of ice cream cones, dripping luscious creamy ice cream all down her blouse, she picked up the ice cream truck with one arm and pushed it back upright. She ordered Gary to get in. Gary, not being one to fuck with anybody who can lift an ice cream truck with one arm, rushed in the passenger seat and didn't speak a word.

91. The Ex
"Welcome to the Asylum"  4:17
Aural Guerrilla
Wormer, Netherlands

Cedric and Paula's Dad were shit-faced drunk at 11:19 AM. They went down the street to Harold's house, who was on vacation this week and not doing shit else. Harold was a nut case who was having marital issues and she finally left him for good this time. Like Cedric and Paula's Dad, Harold too was shit faced drunk, and in his underwear. He did not even get dressed, and went walking around with the other two. They had a key to Bill's house who wasn't home, went inside, and ate all his cereal.

90. Suicidal Tendencies
"Trip at the Brain"  4:32
How Will I Laugh Tomorrow...
Venice, CA

Patty saw another group of kids eagerly awaiting the ice cream truck. She pulled off, and all the children ran up with smiles. However, Patty drew a gun on all the children and demanded that they fork over their ice cream money. As they all cried like little sissies, Patty collected all their money, and even took a few more of their belongings. She took little Adam's bicycle with the training wheels, and pulled all the heads off of Joey's G.I. Joe toys. When old lady Mildred attempted to intervene, Patty stole her wig.

89. Alice Donut
"American Lips"  3:42
Donut Comes Alive
New York, NY

Patty had stacked three scoops of ice cream on top of a sugar cone and placed in this device she created with the stolen toys. Moments later, the ice cream scoops came to life, had eyes, and could speak. It grew too, six feet tall, had legs and arms. The animated ice cream scooper guy opened up the back doors of the ice cream truck with a machine gun and fired shots at the people in their yards. They wreaked havoc on the entire sub-division.
88. Cindytalk
"Circle of Shit"  6:28
In This World
Edinburg, Scotland/London, England

Down the street, they encountered a garbage truck. Patty crashed into the garbage truck, the driver got out to yell at her, but was greeted by three large scoops of ice cream smoking a cigarette and pointing a heavy artillery machine gun at him. The garbage truck driver put up his hands, and was ordered to lay down in the yard. Patty ripped out the music devices from the ice cream truck and hooked them up in the garbage truck, then ordered the driver to get back to work. He had to drive around the rest of the day collecting garbage with ice cream truck music blaring out overhead.
87. Sneaky Feelings
"Take Me There"  3:37
Hard Love Stories
Dunedin, New Zealand

The three drunken friends boxed up all of Bill's dishes and removed all the items from his refrigerator. Paula's Dad had the keys to the Edward's house and nobody was home. They entered the Edward's home, boxed up all their dishes, all the food from their refrigerator, and replaced it with the items they had taken from Bill's house. Then, they went back to Bill's home and replaced all of his items with the crap from the Edward's kitchen.
86. Norma Loy
"666"  4:15
Sacrifice
Dijon, France

Mr. Ice Cream Man, Patty, and Gary hijacked a UPS delivery truck. Mr. Ice Cream Man, with his cigarette and evil grin, held the driver at gunpoint. They opened up the package that was soon to be delivered to Suzanne Johnson, and took out the ingredients- a pair of socks with kittens on them, labeled "urgent". They stuffed the package with a combination of ice cream and broken G.I. Joe toys, then demanded the UPS driver deliver it to Suzanne Johnson. When she opened the package expecting socks, she froze in terror when she discovered the ice cream and broken toys. She screamed, like in a horror movie.
85. Sade
"Haunt Me"  5:48
Stronger Than Pride
London, England

Without the socks with kittens on them, Suzanne Johnson felt nothing but emptiness. She sat in her chair in front of the Muriel, brushing her hair and weeping. Looking into the mirror, nobody else at home, she started singing this sad song, like in a musical movie. Some other people who she had never seen before entered and sang the background vocals. The UPS driver played the acoustic guitar, and he wept too. Herman on saxophone stole the show. Members from the neighborhood applauded. Curtains.
84. The Go-Betweens
"I'm Alright"  3:11
16 Lovers Lane
Brisbane, Australia

There was something about Patty that made Mr. Ice Cream Man's heart flutter. While seated in the passenger seat of the ice cream truck, he kept looking over at her, falling deeper and deeper in love. The truck came to a stop. Right then, and Patty was not expecting this, Gary emerged from the back of the truck with a guitar and began strumming it. Also like in a musical movie, Mr. Ice Cream Man began singing the lyrics of the song to Patty, looking her in the face. Some random people from the neighborhood mysteriously formed in the back of the truck playing the other instruments.
83. The Church
"Antenna"  3:50
Starfish
Sydney, Australia

Patty pulled the truck over and got out. A bunch of kids ran up to the truck. Instead of getting ice cream, Patty removed all of her clothes and lied naked in the yard. Mr. Ice Cream Man got out, melted, and the liquid-y cream took life, and slivered all across Patty's body, into her vagina. The band got out and sat on top of the truck, playing the instruments. Patty sang, in a man's voice, while lying in the yard getting fucked by liquid ice cream. The children watched, singing the background vocals. Mr. Ice Cream Man solidified, lit a cigarette, and Patty and Mr. Ice Cream Man enjoyed the after sex cigarette in the yard.
82. Meliah Rage
"Bates Motel"  3:53
Kill to Survive
Boston, MA

Debbie called The Preacher to complain about the world today, it seemed Satan had truly taken over when she looked out her window and saw a woman lying in her yard having sex with what appeared to be three scoops of ice cream. After listening to this bullshit for several minutes, The Preacherman started up chainsaw and destroyed everything in Debbie's home. He went into her bathroom, rolled up the throw rug she had in front of the toilet, and then tried to flush it down that very same toilet. The toilet got stopped up and overflowed, first spilling water onto the floor, then blood.
81. Caroliner
"Keel Over and Cursing"  4:35
The Cooking Stove Beast
San Francisco, CA

Shortly after Mr. Ice Cream Man wore out that ass, he no longer had any interest in Patty. He spotted a group of Killer Klowns sporting ironic Tiffany T-shirts and wished to join that gang. Feeling used and abused, Patty once again took to singing, this crazy singing voice. This time however, not broken hearted, but while creating a new enemy...bringing to life the 7'3" Ice Cream Sandwich with a smiley face, a rocket launcher, and a Tiffany T-shirt.
80. King Snake Roost
"Acid Head"  2:39
Things That Play Themselves
Adelaide, Australia

Bill was not happy when he got home and discovered all of the Edward's shit in his fridge. All he wanted was to make a ham sandwich with the 99 cent ham he bought, but instead was all this crap. He didn't even remember getting this garbage, and had no idea how to cook any of it. The Edward's assumed some person on welfare took all of their good food and replaced it with this crap. They removed all of Bill's food from the fridge and fed it to neighbor's dog. Mr. Edwards called the police.
79. Mekons
"Poxy Lips"  3:13
So Good It Hurts
Leeds, England

The police didn't arrive. A 7'3" Ice Cream Sandwich did, wearing a Tiffany T-shirt. Mr. Edwards tried to run, but 7'3" Ice Cream Sandwich chased after him and caught him in the kitchen where Doris Edwards was griping about these mysterious dishes in the cabinet. He forcefully yanked the racks out of the fridge, then shoved the Edwards' into the refrigerator and slammed the door shut. When he opened the door back up, Mr. and Mrs. Edwards were both Ice Cream Sandwiches also.
78. Partibrejkers
"Ona Kaže Ljubav Pokreæe Ceo Svet"  4:20
Partibrejkers II
Belgrade, Serbia

The police arrived to Bill's house, and he kept insisting that it was Clark who did, because, the no good fuck, ate all of his Doritos last week. He invited the police in for investigation, and when the police opened the door, there was nothing, not one morsel of food. Finding that impossible, Bill opened the door again, and this time it was full of miniature Ice Cream Sandwiches wearing Tiffany T-shirts and sporting machine guns. They busted out of the fridge and opened fire on Bill and the police.
77. Raga Rockers
"Trygge Her"  3:16
Forbudte Følelser
Oslo, Norway

Bill was badly wounded, but not yet dead. Clark came by with a bag of Doritos. He just walked in, as usual, and was gunned down by a group of terrorist ice cream sandwiches wearing Tiffany T-shirts. The bullets spun Clark around, and he lie there next to Bill. "See," Bill said to Clark with blood gurgling from his mouth, "that's what you get for eating all my Doritos in the first place." Then, the two held hands and lay with a smile.
76. NoMeansNo
"Brother Rat / What Slayde Says"  9:07
Small Parts Isolated and Destroyed
Victoria, BC  Canada

The Ice Cream Sandwiches went to the school counselor's house, and sat in her living room. They each discussed with her about how her values were insignificant, and that perhaps it was she, this whole time, that was the problem with society. That, the real problems were the ones who listened to her, conformed to her beliefs, and lived life accordingly to impress her. It was time that those who chose to defy her beliefs be given an equal opportunity to have some say in their world. As this was going on, for 9 minutes and 7 seconds, many of the other Ice Cream Sandwiches were doing a dance routine in the living room while they lectured the counselor.





NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX Best Songs of 1988:  125-101  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1


Top Image by: Grub Street New York
Top Right by: One Good Scoop
Bottom Image by: DeviantArt

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