Part 1: The Original Plan A
Part 2: The Re-evaluation
Part 3: Laundry Chute
Part 4: Desperate Measures
Part 5: Plan DD- Because Plans A-Z, AA-CC All Failed
Part 6: Plan DD- The Ultimate Miracle
Section IV: Desperate Measures
Press play on the image below to hear this set of songs in the exact order.
I had accomplished something! Even though my entire bedroom still reeked with the stench of fat nasty sweaty pussy, I had created something that I could leave behind for the world to remember me—my porno movie, Laundry Chute. However, I was informed that it may not sell, and even if it did, it would be a long time before I reaped any monetary benefits from the masterpiece. This was not going pay the rent. As a result, I decided to resort to Plan P: Work at a movie theater. If I landed the job at the movie theater, I could A: Pay the rent on time; B: promote my porno movie, Laundry Chute. The entire trip to the cinema, I wondered why I never thought of this sooner.
74. Charlotte Gainsbourg
London, England/Paris, France
The interview for the movie theater position did not go well at all. Despite the fact that I had supreme knowledge of film, they claimed they were looking for a certain type of image, which apparently I did not meet. Then, I decided to play my ace: I presented my artistic film, Laundry Chute. And, we watched it together. The woman conducting the interview acted as if she was appalled by the whole thing; then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably. When I asked what she thought of the scene, she could not even answer, and continued laughing. She couldn’t even speak to me. Finally, I got mad and left.
"Gazzillion Ear" 4:12
Born Like This
London, England/New York, NY
As I was leaving, I took notice as to what was playing at the cinema. All of the movies there sucked, and not a single one of them was worth watching. None of them were nearly the brilliant masterpiece as my film, Laundry Chute. Then I noticed one of the movies was a remake of a not only a bad movie, but the sequel of a bad movie. How the fuck could a shitty remake of Halloween II get cinema recognition and Laundry Chute still be on the shelves? The world lacked originality, and remakes were the only things this unoriginal society seemed interested in. That’s when I came up with Plan Q: Rewrite the book Jane Eyre, word for word, same title and everything, but say I wrote it.
"All The Words You Can't Say Right" 3:52
An Exaltation of Laarks
Eau Claire, WI
It would be an unoriginal remake, just like the major success story of Halloween II. There would be slight updates, dear reader, as I would add a couple of scenes. You see, reader, it would be as close to the original as possible. Chapter 2. Reader, I would add a scene in which something explodes. Yes, reader, it would be a massive explosion. Chapter 3. Reader, in this version of Jane Eyre… Chapter 4. Reader, Jane Eyre has some big ass fucking titties in this mother fucker, dear reader. And, the beauty, in… Chapter 5. Let me tell you reader, Mr. Rochester sucks on them titties.
71. Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse
"Dark Night of the Soul (featuring David Lynch)" 4:39
Dark Night of the Soul
Los Angeles, CA + Richmond, VA
The rewrite of Jane Eyre was rejected. Laundry Chute was rejected. And get this shit, my girlfriend dumped me just for making a porno movie, claiming that constitutes as cheating on her. After all I did for her! At first, she claimed she was hurt by the whole ordeal, then resorted to violence, and eventually beat the living shit out of me in a nearby parking lot. Oh well, fuck her. I had suspicions she had been cheating on me for quite some time, and did not even consider that I had a girlfriend when I made the movie. I was only trying to pay the rent, but she claimed that I am not allowed to do porno movies. If I told her she wasn’t allowed to do anything, she would do it anyway…and then hit me. One time, and I almost got the nerve up to do it a second time, I hit the bitch back. Does it count as “hitting a girl” if she hits me first, hits me five times in the face….then I hit her back once….and she proceeds to get me down and hit my 15 more times? I did get that one hit in, once. After suffering 20 blows to her one, you didn’t hear my crying (mainly because I went home and pouted where nobody could hear me) but I remained strong, and vowed that I now had the freedom to do as I wished without her telling me what to do.
70. The Clientele
"Never Anyone But You" 5:31
Bonfires on the Heath
Some homeless bastard was sitting out by the road with a sign that said: “Will Work For Food.” This mother fucker wasn’t going to do any work. Furthermore, his ass wasn’t even going to be buying any food either—he was going to buy a 40 ouncer of King Cobra with the money, at the Gas Station I used to work. Wouldn’t nobody pick his monkey ass up anyway, this son of bitch was even grosser than some of them hoes I fucked for my movie, Laundry Chute. Since I now had the freedom to do whatever the fuck I wanted, and this prick was pissing me off, I decided to float a sign of my own. Plan R: Will Give Happy Ending Body Massages For Food.
69. St. Vincent
"The Party" 4:05
Tulsa, OK/Dallas, TX
I’m not gay, but just to prove a point to both my recent ex-girlfriend and this stupid bum alcoholic piece of shit, I did give some random guy a handjob for a Big Mac value meal from McDonald’s. It worked OK I guess, because he was not interested in the full body massage, he just wanted the happy ending; “a happy ending for a Happy Meal,” he sarcastically remarked. It was the first time I had ever touched a cock besides my own, and I must say it was a bit awkward. Also, I had to stroke it in the drive-up window at McDonald’s. The stupid son of a bitch blew his wad at the first window, and the lady taking the money saw us. At the second window, it seemed every single employee at the McDonald’s was summoned to hand me my Big Mac meal, which I earned by the way. Refusing to feel even more distraught than I already had become from being unemployed and recently dumped, I pretended as if I were the envy of the entire community because I just got a free Big Mac, and I even tossed them the DVD of my film, Laundry Chute.
68. Wild Beasts
"All The Kings Men" 4:00
Claiming a small victory, yet knowing I did not have what was required to perform another handjob, I came up with Plan S: become a Marriage Counselor. I had some Marriage Counseling experience from the Gas Station. However, the representative at the personnel office of the Marriage Counseling place was not impressed. This person was a genuine prick too; it was obvious why the divorce rate was so high. Finally, he suggested that we role-play a domestic dispute, just to see how I would handle it. My advice was to the man in the relationship: dump this miserable fucking slut, go make a porno, and give some random guy a handjob in a car. You will find the freedom is wonderful, and a free Big Mac is excellent compensation; especially considering she never gave you a dime after having to go down on her for hours at a time while she talked on the phone. I didn’t get the job.
67. Dead Man's Bones
"Paper Ships" 2:53
Los Angeles, CA
On occasion, or in my life—often, bad shit all seems to happen at once. A month ago, I had lost my wallet. I did not lose any money and was able to cancel my debit card in time, but that was the end of my driver’s license; all I had was a passport. Not that it mattered, it was about to expire soon anyway. Soon finally passed, and it was now expired. So were my license plates. And my insurance. I had some milk in my refrigerator that went bad too; if only I had obtained that job in expiration date stamping it would have increased my awareness of all this. The good thing about all of this, is that these items expire on the birthday, which meant, Aunt Suzie had sent me a card with some money in it, and now I had enough money to purchase all of these things. The problem is, it was difficult to get one without the other—I needed my driver’s license to get insurance and plates, and two forms of ID to get my license, I only had one. On that note, I needed to get a new Social Security card too. That’s where to begin.
66. Junior Boys
"Dull To Pause" 4:52
Begone Dull Care
Hamilton, ON Canada
The Social Security Office does not hand you a new card immediately, this takes some time—2-4 weeks. Apparently, these things must be difficult to manufacture, and I contemplated seeking a job in Social Security Card manufacturing; but, I didn’t have a Social Security card, so I just figured they would not hire me. My previous license was in a different state, this caused some issues. Also, they claimed that I could not renew my license in this state because my previous state had put a block on it, call this number. I called the number, and the block on that state was due to an unpaid parking ticket in another state- an incident in which my car was towed unfairly. Get this shit, already struggling with money because my ass is unemployed, I had to somehow pay off the parking ticket + the excessive penalties they tacked on, I had to pay a fine to my previous state for them suspending my license over an unjust altercation that was of no concern to them whatsoever, and still somehow obtain a new driver’s license in a new state. All of this with expired tags, expired insurance, and spoiled milk. Plus, I had to travel all the way to my previous state to take care of issues.
65. TV Ghost
"Cold Fish" 4:15
Plan T: Return to Previous State. This included staying with my parents, taking care of my driver’s license situation, taking care of all the pending issues that I left behind when I moved, and there was a possibility that I could do some work at an old job; a friend had informed me they needed some people. Many questioned whether or not this move was permanent, as did I temporarily. But, I knew I couldn’t stay here, I left for a reason. Going to work was lovely, it was great simply being productive, around friends, feeling as if I did something. I used to hate this job sometimes, but being unemployed for the past months, and away from this state for over a year, it was actually great going to work. Some of the loose ends straightened out, but not all of them; with a settlement still pending from the car crash. The license issue, though, became a major debacle.
64. Pissed Jeans
"Human Upskirt" 2:11
King of Jeans
I paid the stupid parking ticket. But, they claimed that it would take several weeks for it to clear. Then, this state required a documentation stating the fine was paid, a receipt of some sort. This was really all I needed, and I would liked to have had it sooner rather than later. I called and requested this receipt. They said they would mail it to me. I requested they fax it to me, they said they could not do it via fax without a signed consent form, and they would instead mail me a consent form to sign, and if I mailed it back to them with my signature on it, then they could fax it to me (she was so nice in explaining this too, as if it were a wonderful service they offered). However, there was hope. There was a document the supervisor e-mailed to me, and I could just print that off. Nice! So, I printed it off, and returned to the BMV to take care of this matter once and for all (this was 7th trip to the BMV which is a major inconvenience). The guy at this BMV claimed this document wasn’t good enough, it was a form 44-2836-A, and he needed the form 48-9834-A4C2. Assuming I knew what any of this shit was, he told me to call the state in which I just paid the ticket and request them to fax me the form 48-9834-A4C2. Fax? You know how long it takes these mother fuckers to fax? I have to mail them a form I-98-226-A14-37 in order to get a fax. “I don’t know what that form is,” he had the nerve to tell me. “Fuck you then!” I said, and left.
"California Goth" 2:24
Set 'Em Wild Set 'Em Free
San Diego, CA/Los Angeles, CA
Well, maybe I was stuck here for a bit again. But, at least I was working, my parents weren’t charging me rent, and with the paychecks, I could pay the rent at my address in the other state, which is where I still considered my residence. However, the manager of this job asked if I could stay longer, for two months, else he would have to hire somebody else. Not wanting to risk losing it permanently, what’s two months I suppose? I agreed. But then came the major turn of events, I began receiving phone calls for all the applications I submitted. This city here, I hate it. But, I do love the people I worked with at this job. Despite the fact I was receiving some decent offers, I nearly stayed…just because I had made that commitment and felt I would be screwing everybody else over. On the other hand, it was all the regular employees, my friends, who encouraged me to go. “You live there don’t you? Shit, sometimes, you gotta do what’s best for you! We’ll live. We love you, but nah, you gotta do what’s best for you.” I consulted with three other people, and surprisingly, they all said that same sentence: “you gotta do what’s best for you.” I told the manager that I could not stay, he understood but was disappointed. Part of me felt as if I burnt that bridge, and unsure if that really was what was best for me. With no license, expired tags, I returned to my other home to field job offers.
62. A Place To Bury Strangers
"Ego Death" 5:43
New York, NY
Plan U bore much resemblance to Plans B and F. It was the temp agency that had me a job. It was a decent job, data entry once again, at some office in an elegant building on top of the hill. The employees at this place consisted of about 20 extremely hot women, and one ugly one; I was assigned to work with the ugly one. She was a mean, nasty, and brutal individual too. And because I was considered a temp, she felt this gave her the right to treat me as nasty as possible. It was as if she had a horrible life, was going through a multitude of personal issues, and simply hired me to take out all of her anguish upon. All she ever did was yell at me. All of the rest of the ladies there liked me, they were pleasant, kind, and we got along great. But, this mean one opposed of me speaking to the other employees. In fact, the only thing that was decent about this place was the fact that I got free food because of a retirement party; and this was essential because I had no money to eat. It was a temporary position with potential for permanent hire. My goal was to endure this lady’s bitchiness long enough to impress somebody else within the organization. Furthermore, I busted my ass to get the job done because this lady was becoming borderline unbearable.
61. Swan Lake
"Warlock Psychologist" 5:57
The job was supposed to take 3-4 weeks to complete. But, I was able to get it finished in 2.5 days, and spent the rest of day 3 learning new assignments, and completed all of them in record time. The mean lady even said she was impressed and struck me with blunt objects from her desk less frequently. There was a moment where I even caught her staring at me, and felt as if she may be a candidate should I decide to make Laundry Chute 2. That was a horrible mistake completing that assignment so quickly. After day 3, I was greeted by the lady at the temp agency. She told me the place called, and that I had done a superb job! So superb, that there was no longer a job and the district manager claimed I was no longer needed. The mean lady couldn’t even tell me herself. What it meant: I worked myself out of a job. And that made me a little more bitter…if after just three days, I had already set new records for standards at this lucrative company, than why the fuck I was the one unemployed? These other mother fuckers all go to work, and don’t do shit, they’re lazy, they lag, they’re stupid, they’re slow, they fucking suck! And my ass is the one in line at the grocery store buying a can of tuna with 89 pennies?
60. Andrew Bird
Who are these District Managers? And, why is it their goal to make my life so miserable? Every place I went, if somebody was annoying, or bothered the shit out of me, I immediately suspected that person was a District Manager somewhere. I assumed the homeless drunks were all District Managers. I couldn’t help but wonder why in the fuck District Managers preferred so many other people over me, and why I was so despised. There had to be something in the cosmic interlude of the world that made me a less desirable person than anybody else. The only way that I was ever going to have any success whatsoever, the entire world needed to change…and I had to be the one to change it. I figured most of these people got their ideas from television commentators, pamphlets, self-help videos, and manuals written by some other District Manager regarding 250 ways for success. It was my duty to counter this. Plan V: Create My Own Self-Help Success Manual.
59. City Center
"Bleed Blood" 6:31
New York, NY
I have experience at a Gas Station. Meaning, I dealt with the General Public, thousands of people daily, and I knew what was most often considered annoying, and what traits were adored. People struggled to get in and out of a Gas Station without doing something incredibly stupid—5 lousy minutes was all that was asked to not do anything stupid. Maybe they just did not know. So, I decided the name of my self-help success manual “Are You an Annoying Bastard?”…with a tagline of “how to avoid annoying the shit out of everybody for 5 lousy minutes.” For this, I made a list of annoying habits that most people despise. This publication could have been an encyclopedia.
58. Sleigh Bells
"Ring Ring" 3:47
New York, NY
Chapter 1: Do Not Talk Loudly on Your Cell Phone While Standing in Line. In fact, do not talk on your cell phone period while in public. People who do this generally talk about the least interesting topics possible. Some even do ridiculously stupid shit such as blow kisses into the phone. Chapter 2: Know What Music is Considered Lame. One has to obtain the knowledge to know what some people consider the worst songs in history. Just as it is ultimately inappropriate to discuss certain topics in public, such as anal sex and Satan worshipping, it is equally inappropriate to sing, loudly in public, a lame ass song that happens to come on due to horrendous programming. Songs such as Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle, Take on Me by A-ha, pretty much all pop country songs should not even be played in public because they are equally offensive to some as gangsta rap and death metal is to others. Just because this failed economy and pathetic excuse for a government happened to grant domain to brainless stupidity, does not give you the right to sing these brainless ditties out loud when they are playing; and doing so serves as a blunt confession that states: “Hello world, I’m stupid!” Furthermore, studies have revealed that all, ALL, 100%, NO EXCEPTIONS, ALL people who sing these songs loudly are terrible singers and their voices are as annoying as the sound of screeching chalkboards. Chapter 3: Chew With Your Fucking Mouth Closed…Especially in a Movie Theater.
57. The XX
"Heart Skipped A Beat" 4:02
Because I had no money to do anything else, and the rent was going to be paid as soon as that job in my other town mailed my paycheck, I was able to complete this book in just a short time. I viewed it as my job; woke up early, worked an 8 hour shift, stayed later, all night, and had it completed in just over two days. I went to meet the publisher, and encouraged to go wait in his office. What happened in the office? The publisher is the District Manager, and he is on his cell phone, chomping gum into the receiver, blows a kiss to whomever the fuck he is talking to, and sings to her, in the loudest annoying singing voice imaginable… “I’m free! Free falling!” I got up and walked out. Stupid mother fucker.
56. Arctic Monkeys
"Pretty Visitors" 3:41
It occurred to me that a majority of people liked bad music, although I can offer no explanation as to why; must be something else with the television commentators, self-help manuals for success, or maybe radio programmers are too conservative to play anything else other than the District Manager’s daughter. I have no singing talent whatsoever. So! Neither do any of these other degenerate pricks currently littering Top 40 Country Radio. That’s when I came up with Plan W: Become a Bad Country Music Singer. This is a job that requires no brains whatsoever, no originality is needed, and you do not even have to possess any talent. This was perfect for me.
55. The Dead Weather
"Bone House" 3:27
Once again, because I had no money to do anything else, I spent the evening composing a bunch of brainless country songs. Because this required zero intellect whatsoever, and the tired formula is for every one of them to sound almost exactly the same, I had an entire album of songs compiled in approximately 15 minutes. As previously stated, I had a lot of friends in bands, which was not necessarily required because this style of music is extremely easy to play. Ten songs, three and half minutes apiece, one take, one makeover of production, the album was complete in one hour and 12 minutes. Some suggest you have to have a sexy album cover; I went with the photo of me with a strawberry up my ass. The end result, it sounded exactly like everything else in mainstream country.
54. Monsters Of Folk
"Losin Yo Head" 4:38
United States/Omaha, NE/Louisville, KY
I disbanded Plan W on my own terms, and never submitted the record. In fact, I threw it in the trash. Simply put, I have too much pride to embark in this sort of flagrant stupidity. Sure, I may have filmed a porno with myself and bunch of nasty women who permanently ruined the smell of my bed, but in no way was I going to participate in the downfall of intellect in modern society. My worst nightmare would be for one of these songs to be played overhead at the grocery store with some imbecile singing along in a horrendous voice while he/she pushed the shopping cart. Furthermore, I fucking hate celebrity fixation, I don’t give a flying fuck what celebrities are wearing, I despise tabloid magazines, and award ceremonies are the biggest crock of shit on Earth. I was worried I would actually win an award; which meant I would have shown up dressed how I am now, refused to walk on that stupid red carpet, and there’s a good chance I would have shown up stoned. Actually, I would not have shown up at all. The most punk thing I ever did: I never sold out! I never sacrificed my own artistic standards to appeal to the stupidity known these days as “the masses.”
53. The Warlocks
"Static Eyes" 5:45
The Mirror Explodes
Los Angeles, CA
Because of bad mainstream music, District Managers, tabloid magazines, and television commentators, people are so stupid nowadays; there are warning labels on everything. This has to be costly, and yet another reason why companies have to spend too much money and have gone bankrupt. For dinner tonight, my broke ass could only afford a frozen pizza which was on sale for $1.99. There was a warning label on the pizza: Do not consume frozen. Who the fuck attempted to eat a frozen pizza while it was still frozen? In fact, how is this even possible? Somebody tried this shit, and either got sick or broke their teeth out, one of the two. Then, they wrote a letter to the company, disregarding their own stupidity, implying the company has unsafe guidelines for eating frozen pizza. The fat, brainless District Manager felt they should employ safety standards and put warning labels on the product—excessive spending authorized by yet another experienced imbecile. My warning label would have read: Mother Fucker, This Ain’t Ice Cream!!!! Plan X: Develop Warning Labels.
52. Kurt Vile
"Overnite Religion" 5:15
Get this shit: I didn’t have any money to do anything else, so I spent the evening designing warning labels for various products around my house. Ever since I filmed my porno movie, Laundry Chute, the cats will not stay out of my room. So, the cat was my first experiment. WARNING: This little shithead will sit right directly on whatever you are working on or reading without notice or permission. Cats aren’t exactly fond of having something taped to their fur, and are prone to bite and run away shattering speed records along the way.
While chasing the little bastard around the house to try to tape the warning label to his tail, and while the bastard was chasing me around the house trying to bite or scratch me, I took notice of every single object in the house…part of me feels the cat knew he was instilling creativity for every place he would run and stop, a new idea was formed. By the end of the evening, I had created warning labels on just about everything in the house. WARNING: THIS PRODUCT MAY CAUSE LAZINESS on the couch. WARNING: IMPROPER DISPOSAL OF THIS PRODUCT MAY CAUSE UNWANTED FOUL ODORS on the toilet paper. WARNING: CONSUMING BREAD AFTER IT HAS BECOME MOLDY MAY CAUSE A YEAST INFECTION, I toyed with the notion to be ironic and place that label on something other than a loaf of bread, something irrelevant, like the vacuum cleaner. WARNING: CONTENTS MAY EXPLODE IF DETONATED WITH DYNAMITE on the coffee filters. NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A SEX TOY on the cucumbers, the candles, the egg beater, the cat, the peanut butter, and the Plug Ins air freshener. For the hammer, I drew pictures of stick figures performing various dangers such as striking somebody over the head, usage for crucifying, and children juggling hammers while on a trampoline with the red circle and slash through it "Ghostbusters" label.
51. Rain Machine
"Desperate Bitch" 8:46
New York, NY
En route to finding places to submit my warning labels, what I had been hoping to avoid finally happened. I was pulled over by the police for not wearing a seat belt. The officer appeared nice, as if he were going to let me go with a warning. Then he asked for my driver’s license, which I didn’t have. He also commented my plates were expired. I didn’t exactly provide proof of insurance either. If all that crap wasn’t bad enough, he threw in some other ticket for not registering my vehicle in this state after 30 days. To make matters worse, this car was such a death trap, that while he was writing out the tickets, it stalled and would not re-start. It was prone to do this periodically, my battery was dying and it leaked every fluid possible. This time, fortunately, it was just the battery. The officer was nice enough to give me a jump, but gave me another ticket for operating a malfunctioning vehicle, and another ticket for an improperly registered malfunctioning vehicle. At least that was finally over with. I finally had my package of traffic tickets that I could show other officers if I were pulled over again. The tickets set a court date and it bought me extra time to get this taken care of. Although it was another potentially disastrous issue looming in the horizon, it did grant me permission to drive with expired everything for a few more weeks.
Top Image by: Tony J. Neal
Bottom Image by: Los Angeles Times