NC17 Top 75 Traxxx of 2000

The Best of 2000 + The Year the World Supposedly Ended...Again

Act I: Toaster Dispute
Act II: The Invention of Dehumidifiers & Hemorrhoid Medication
Act III: Vaginal Lube
Act IV: The Final Act in History
Act II: The Invention of Dehumidifiers & Hemorrhoid Medication

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

75. PJ Harvey
"You Said Something"  3:19
Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea
Yeovil, England

It was hot in my apartment. The heat I could handle, but the humidity was killing me. I was sitting there on my couch fanning myself with the newspaper. That's when I said aloud, they should have something that you can just plug in and take all the humidity out here. Some guy just popped up from out of nowhere, with a smile, and with something he had just invented- a dehumidifier. He plugged that sucker right in, and now my whole life is better. None of the past kings in the history books had ever accomplished this.

74. Silkworm
"Slave Wages"  3:07
Missoula, MT

We had heard about people complaining about the humidity in their homes. Soon, we noticed that places with high amounts of humidity was causing people to be cranky; and stinky, because they sweat all the time... their clothes stunk like mildewy old people, and the homes were infested with bugs. Then, we noticed all the health risks, Bert's Aunt Jenny ended up dying because her house was too humid. That's when we decided we should build something, that we can just plug in and suck all the humidity out. It was a process, a long strenuous one.

73. Melt-Banana
"Free the Bee"  3:25
Teeny Shiny
Tokyo, Japan

We didn't have much of a social life. And when the wife asked what I was doing with all these various pieces of copper, I told her I was building a dehumidifier. "What the fuck is that?," she asked in horror, as she beat me over the head with a rolling pin. She was just cranky because the house was so humid. Each of us had to keep the house incredibly humid in order to do our study, and all of occasionally had to take a beating from the wives. By the time we were complete, we all had black eyes, broken noses, fractured skulls, Billy was in a wheelchair.

72. Dirty Three
"I Really Should Have Gone Out"  6:53
Whatever You Love, You Are
Melbourne, Australia

It's not as if one just has all the pieces in place to simply build one of these things. Nor know all the processes involved with putting it together. We had to gather massive amounts of data, and do studies on the factors of humidity, with numerous research on what causes humidity in the home, and what means could be done to get rid of it. Once all of that was completed, we had to devise a gadget with electrical components to get this thing to work. All the other guys were out getting blow jobs, we were studying patterns of humidity under the microscope.

71. Acid Mothers Temple & the Melting Paraiso U.F.O.
"Bois-Tu de la Biere"  3:49
La Nòvia
Nagoya, Japan

When we went to market this thing, we had to make the office get so damn hot, they were about to kill us all. All these business guys in suits were waiting for us demonstrate our product, and we wanted to show how effective it was. It was over 100 degrees in the office, they were sweating, coughing, and many of them were starting to hallucinate. Cock roaches were crawling down the walls. Rosco was over there melting, soon just his clothes lie on the floor in a puddle of water. Alex actually had a heat stroke and died. With him dead on the floor, we cranked it on. This had better work, and it did. Soon the room was comfortable, nice perfect climate, Rosco reformed after melting. And when the funeral people came by and picked up Alex, they commented on how nice it felt in the room.

70. Grandaddy
"He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot"  8:53
The Sophtware Slump
Modesto, CA

We were just happy to have finished the product, that was enough work. Then, we were also just happy to have something that would benefit the community, and have our wives and girlfriends a little less abusive. They discussed paying us, and, well, we were happy with that too. There was a lot of work involved, and Billy wasn't ever going to walk again, and the corporation offered us $30, which was not a lot of money, even back then. Upon finding out what we had done, other corporations were calling us up wanting to manufacture it. Soon, an all out war broke out in the streets, people gunning each other down with machine guns. First corporation said we had a deal. Finally, we sold the product for $118,000 apiece.

69. The Januaries
"U and Me"  3:10
Los Angeles, CA

Larry, the tourist in Milwaukee circa 1946, went to The Wisconsin Cheese Mart and asked a series of questions. The atmosphere in this place triggered something in people's minds that made them ask the exact same questions. Larry: "Let me ask you a question, do you guys ship?" The difference with Larry was that upon leaving The Cheese Mart, we went directly to the local whorehouse. Even though he fell in love with the woman he paid $28 to sleep with, his mind was still altered by The Cheese Mart. "Let me ask you a question," he said to the manager of the whorehouse, "do you guys ship?" And that was the official invention of the Mail Order Bride.

68. The Glands
"When I Laugh"  3:08
Athens, GA

Wilson was the first person ever to get a haemorrhoid. He felt a large lump on his ass and nearly started to panic, for nobody had ever heard of such a thing ever happening. "I feel down there, and I got this big gigantic lump on my ass. And I says to the doctor, you better get down here, I got this big fucking lump on my ass you need to take a look at. He says does it hurt? I told him I don't know, what does it matter if it hurts, its a big fucking lump on my ass, and I wanted him to come down and take a look at it."

67. Spring Heel Jack
"Trouble and Luck"  5:50
London, England

The doctor gets over, and I have him take a look at my ass, it's got a big fucking lump on it. I bare my ass, I show it to him, and the first thing he does is roll up a newspaper, and swat the damn thing with a rolled up newspaper. I says what the fuck did you do that for? He says I don't know, you got big fucking lump on your ass, what the hell am I supposed to do. I don't know, you know, I don't know. It's a big fucking lump on your ass, what the hell do you expect me to do. I ain't ever seen one of these things. I said can't you put something on it, he says what the hell do you want me to put on it? It's a big fucking lump on your ass, I don't know what the hell to put on it.

66. Hey Mercedes
"St. James St."  4:01
Spread Eagle, WI

He kept jacking me around, telling me I had to find something to put on this big fucking lump on his ass. I didn't know what the hell he wanted me to put on it, dish washing soap. Go over there and wash that thing. I get over there, and the guys got a big fucking lump on his ass, wanting me to rub something on his ass. I says I ain't rubbing nothing on your ass, I don't even know what that thing is. So I tells him to come down, I'll knock his ass out, and I'll cut that son of bitch right off of his ass. And that's what I did, he came down, I put on my gloves, knocked his ass out, got out the knife, and cut that big fucking lump right off his ass and stitched back up. Fucker can't even sit down now, he'll be all right in a week or two.

65. Trembling Blue Stars
"Snow Showers"  5:50
Broken By Whispers
London, England

After I cut that big fucking lump off his ass, I tossed it in a jar, figured I'd have a look at it. I called up the doctor down the road, told him to get over a take a look at the big fucking lump I just cut off somebody's ass. You ain't ever seen anything like this. Even he ain't never seen nothing like this, and him, smartest doctor in the whole fucking city. This guy's seen everything. He ain't never seen no big fucking lump on another guy's ass. If anybody could figure what to do with the damn thing, he would. Dr. Schneider walked back to his officer carrying a jar with the world's first ever haemorrhoid contained inside.

64. Bright Eyes
"Sunrise, Sunset"  4:32
Fevers and Mirrors
Omaha, NE

Jack the Ripper was having a difficult time sleeping lately. He was being tormented with these nightmares, that everyday was exactly the same and that life had no meaning. As he walked through the streets, Jack the Ripper was suffering from extreme anxiety, nervous tension, as he sometimes shook with violent convulsion. That no matter what happened, no matter how extreme, the world was still going to remain exactly as it was, and he was beginning to hate exactly how it was, and those living in it. Plagued with voices in head, he struggled with his own personal insanity, and realized that even if he decided to become a killer, everything would be exactly the same as it is now. Jack the Ripper went on a killing spree, and never was caught.

63. Calexico
"Fade"  7:44
Hot Rail
Tucson, AZ

Back in elementary school, Jack the Ripper was often voted most likely to succeed. He was commonly the teacher's pet, and very popular among the rest of the students in his class. It was believed that he had some sort of a glow to him, this aura that made him stick out, made him something special. Perhaps he got too popular too fast. As time past, he wasn't quite as entertaining as he used to be; people used to enjoy throwing banquets and Jack the Ripper would always be invited to cheer everybody, it was always festive with Jack the Ripper around. But, something happened. The insanity set in. The glow faded. Jack the Ripper went on a killing spree and never got caught. He seemed to have disappeared. Also, he mugged some doctor walking back to his lab carrying a jar with a huge fucking lump off someone's ass in it.

62. OutKast
"Ms. Jackson"  4:30
Atlanta, GA

Some say the demise of Jack the Ripper was over a girl. He had dated this woman, and they had a child together. But, the two did not get along, and the woman's mother did not approve of her dating Jack the Ripper, as if he was a bad person. Maybe she did not want her daughter to be named Stephanie the Ripper, she was hoping she would marry a Smith, or a Jones, or a Sheblowksi. Regardless, there was constantly drama going on between Jack the Ripper, Stephanie, and her mother. Finally, Stephanie's mom took the baby and declared that Jack the Ripper was no longer permitted to see his own child.

61. The Cutthroats 9
"Move"  3:03
The Cutthroats 9
San Francisco, CA

After being told he could no longer visit his daughter, Lindsey, technically Lindsey the Ripper, Jack the Ripper flipped out. He had a violent confrontation with Stephanie's mom, tore some shit up in her home, and vandalized her horse and wagon coach. That was when Jack the Ripper began his streak his violence, prowling around in the night, stalking random women, and killing them. But others say there may have been something else too. His disappearance remained a mystery. The last he was seen, running through the streets, he assaulted a prestigious doctor, threw him to the ground, stole the jar with a huge fucking lump in it, and was never seen again.

60. Kid Million
"A Terrible Noise"  3:48
American Tabloid
Chicago, IL

It was the voices in his head who told Jack the Ripper to assault and rob that prestigious doctor. Jack the Ripper assumed it had something to do with notion that the doctor had a reputation, which may not have been merited, the doctor was enjoying success and he was the enemy who had mired the lives of others in order to achieve success. But when Jack the Ripper got home and the contents of the jar was revealed, it became obvious why he had been summoned to do this. In the jar was a gigantic lump, and it looked exactly like the huge fucking lump that was on his ass, torturing him, preventing him from sitting, sleeping, this lump destroyed his life, and the lives of all those he decided to take his anguish out upon.

59. Richard Ashcroft
"Brave New World"  5:59
Alone With Everybody
Wigan, England/London, England

Jack the Ripper entered the doctor's office, with his dark circular hat, his cape, cane, evil look in his eye, and returned the jar and apologized; "my bad" were his calm words exactly with a slight smile to ease the tension. The doctor stood face to face with Jack the Ripper, the most notorious killer in history, he wasn't sure what to do, just said that it was OK. Jack the Ripper took off his hat, set down his cane, took off his cape, his belt, and started undoing his pants. The doctor watched with awe, he assumed he was about to be ass raped by Jack the Ripper. But, it was Jack the Ripper who bent over and told him "check it out." Unsure what to do, the doctor was undoing his pants preparing to get his cock out, and that's when he noticed it.

58. Abunai!
"Buzz Bombb"  7:33
Round Wound
Brighton, MA

This was a revolutionary breakthrough for the doctor, who up to this point had only seen a haemorrhoid after it had been removed, just briefly in a jar. He approached Jack the Ripper, and knelt down to his buttocks to get a closer look at it. His secretary popped in, saw the doctor kneeling down with his hand on Jack the Rippers ass gazing at it closely. She simply closed the door and walked back out without saying a word. That's a big fucking lump you got there on your ass, Mr. The Ripper. No fucking shit, it's been driving me crazy. Jack the Ripper wanted him to rub something on it. The doctor wanted to examine it to find out exactly what it was, and maybe figure out what to rub on it.

57. Kreidler
"Mnomerex"  4:01
Düsseldorf, Germany

The reason why Jack the Ripper was never seen again, because he agreed to participate in a study with the most prestigious doctor in the city to observe the symptoms and remedy a cure for hemorrhoids. The doctor would have the opportunity to make a fascinating medical discovery, Jack the Ripper could escape pursuit from the police and not get caught. It worked out great, and the doctor and Jack the Ripper actually developed a wonderful relationship- one night staying up until 2:00 in the morning having a playful pillow fight in the bedroom just before nodding off together.

56. Milk Cult
"Hawaiian Motorcycle Joyride - Act 2"  2:57
Project M-13
San Francisco, CA

Back in those days, seeing a haemorrhoid was as alien as seeing a creature from 12 galaxies over. Dr. Schneider had no choice but to approach the big fucking lump with sheer caution. For all he knew, he did come from outer space, there had never been anything like it before. Luckily, he knew the other doctor who chopped off the other one was still doing fine, the patient was still good, but there was still no way to determine where this thing came from, what caused it, or even worse, when it could strike again. This could be the start of a deadly outbreak that could end the world.

55. Euphone
"Bad Ascending"  2:26
Hashing It Out
Chicago, IL

Dr. Schneider spent much of each day just staring at Jack the Ripper's bare ass. He became enamored with it, and nearly obsessed over it. At night, he would lie awake in bed just thinking about Jack the Ripper's ass, and the bug fucking lump that was stuck to it. It consumed most of his thoughts. While grocery shopping, he would suddenly be struck with an idea that this product may eliminate the growth, this one caused it, this one irritates it. Shopping for toothpaste became a hassle. Anything he saw, he had no choice but to wonder if that was in fact the medical breakthrough that remedy the big fucking lump on Jack the Ripper's ass.

54. Amen
"Mayday" 3:03
We Have Come For Your Parents
Los Angeles, CA

Of course, not all experiments worked right away, it was a long painful process. Unlike doctors today who get to experiment on people who respond to ads on the radio for large sums of money, Dr. Schneider had to conduct his failed experiments on the most infamous killer in history. Even though they had a nice relationship, cuddled periodically, Jack the Ripper was still prone to violent outbursts if something hurt. The time Dr. Schneider poured bleach down his ass crack nearly caused another killing spree. Jack the Ripper had pushed him down, knocked over some things and yelled at him. "You need to be careful mother fucker! And remember whose ass you're messing with!" Jack would go on tirades about the whole world sometimes.

53. Hot Snakes
"Salton City"  3:46
Automatic Midnight
San Diego, CA

It did become an outbreak. Soon, dozens of people had huge fucking lumps on their asses. Although they had to maintain the amnity of Jack the Ripper, many of the patients were sent to Dr. Schneider for examination. He would line them all up in a row, with the bare asses bent over exposed for full view, and examine each on closely, pinching the lumps, comparing and contrasting the similarities in the patterns. Dr. Schneider had a series of questions he asked each of them, about their asses mostly, and how well they take of it. None had ever been to another planet. Jack the Ripper was the only killer. Personality wise, they bore few similarities.

52. Queens of the Stone Age
"I Think I Lost My Headache"  8:40
Rated R
Palm Desert, CA

In a series of accidents, Dr. Schneider found the cure for hemorrhoids, with Jack the Ripper being the first patient to have the issue successfully cured. Without a big fucking lump on his ass, Jack the Ripper no longer suffered from delusions, the voices went away, and he changed his name to Jack Archibal. He was permitted to walk the streets freely, and no longer resembled that notorious killer. Together, they celebrated, threw a concert in middle of the streets, heavy riffs from Queens of the Stone Age somehow rocked the streets of 1842 Bloomington, IN where neither Jack the Ripper nor Dr. Schneider had ever set foot.

51. Godspeed You! Black Emperor
"Lift Yr Skinny Fists (Part 1)" 6:06
Lift Yr Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven
Montreal, QC  Canada

It was a happy day for the world, they now had a magical cream they could rub on their asses. However, the term "haemorrhoid" had not yet been cured. The tube sold at the market read: "Schneider's Cream.  Cures that big fucking lump on your ass!" Because it was a new product, it came with instructions, drawn images of an ass, with directions indicating to apply a generous amount into palm, and gently work into the big fucking lump on your ass, gently working it in until all is absorbed. Leave bare ass exposed until product dries. The big fucking lump should deteriorate in approximately 3-5 days.

NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX SONGS OF 2000:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1

Top Image by: Tapiture
Bottom image by: Common Image

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