The Top 75 Songs of 1991

The Best of 1991 + General Help Wanted

Chapter 1: Hennigan's Furniture Store
Chapter 2: Furniture Store Turf Wars
Chapter 3: Random Sofa on the Moon
Chapter 4: Life After the Riot

Chapter II: Furniture Store Turf Wars

Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.

75. De La Soul
"Pease Porridge"  5:03
De La Soul is Dead
Amityville, NY

The Cook's fulfilled their lifelong dream and opened up their own furniture store. The grand opening was a major spectacle featuring an array of mascots consisting of giraffes and happy bumblebees. There was a major sale and a festival in the parking lot where customers received free pizza. Also, there was a band, tents, games, prizes, and it was a fun happy family affair, sort of a carnival. This was Dan Hennigan's turf however, and he was not happy with the new store opening.

74. Swell
"Down"  3:46
San Francisco, CA

Benny felt as if he now had the right to order Angela around because he worked so hard. She was a pharmacist, anybody can do that shit. Later in the evening, after Benny had worked his 6 hour shift, he told that bitch to fix him some damn dinner. "Bitch, fix me some dinner, I've been working all day." Benny felt that it was bad enough that he had to get stitches over his left eye, but at the emergency room, he had to fill out a bunch of forms which was even worse than the beating Angela induced on him. Angela explained to the nurse practitioner about her violent outburst, and she, of course, took Angela's side and made Benny have to wait even longer. He complained that he was going to bleed to death in the waiting room, then suffered a deep thigh bruise.

73. The Brian Jonestown Massacre
"Psychedelic Sunday"  3:02
Pol Pot's Pleasure Penthouse
San Francisco, CA

Hennigan's people crashed the grand opening sale at Cook's Furniture, and raided the festival with machine guns. They pulled into the lot with their supped up cars, got out with their elegant suits, and opened fire on the mascots, shot out the windows, and destroyed much of the furniture inside. The tents were yanked down flown across the sea to some other land. This town wasn't big enough for two furniture stores.

72. Tall Dwarfs
"Thought Disorder"  4:08
Fork Songs
Dunedin, New Zealand

Bertie Cook was not going to allow this end quietly. The next day, all of the damages had been repaired, and even more extraordinary event took place in the parking lot. Dan Hennigan drove by and saw the spectacle, and sat in his car, calling up some people. Bertie Cook approached his car and confronted him, nobody confronts Dan Hennigan. But, Bertie Cook looks the opposite of a happy giraffe mascot; with her eye patch wicked voodoo persona. She warned Hennigan that powers he knows nothing about had been called upon, starting yelling chants in the lot at his car as if she were raising spirits from Hell. Hennigan left.

71. U2
"One"  4:37
Achtung Baby
Dublin, Ireland

Benny could spend hours in the sales office just trying to get a glimpse down Alexis' shirt. Every time he would walk by the office, he would peak over and stare at her. She was prone to wear loose fitting shirts which revealed cleavage. After the sale, Benny had to take the paperwork into her office and have her process it. During this time, he would stand around, trying to get a peak down her shirt, with hearts floating up in the air. Periodically he would speak to her, although it was awkward. He would mostly sit in there and fantasize about her falling in love with him because of his excellent assistance with a couch that was on sale.

70. Tuxedomoon
"An Affair At The Soiree"  3:39
The Ghost Sonata
San Francisco, CA

73% of the merchandise sold in furniture stores is sold at a mark-up so incredibly high, that the mere sale of these items should be viewed as a scam. On average, a new sofa is the same price as two week's worth of earnings. The material and labor involved with the manufacture of this same sofa equates to less than 10% of that. However, the distribution and storage of the goods can be expensive, particularly because this society decided that it is not a good idea to buy directly from the place in which it was produced. A sofa, which 100% of the world agrees is a pain in the ass to move, goes from the place it was made, into a truck, into another office, into a truck, to a wholesale place, into a truck, a retail place, into a truck, to a home. The retail place also charges a significant amount of money for delivery. This whole process also has had a negative effect on the Earth's environment and economy.

69. Üstmamò
"Fila-Filastrocca"  3:59
Villa Minozzo, Italy

The atmosphere inside Cook's furniture was a pleasant one, unlike the atmosphere which exists inside Bertie's home. They had musicians in the store, special sales, and cotton candy. The sales reps encouraged couples to fuck on the beds, see if they really liked it. Also, they offered a discount on delivery. Cook, on the other hand, was not entirely sure where the furniture was coming from. While attempting to make contact with the Lord Satan, she encountered some spirits from a ship that had sunk in the vast sea of black death. Mysteriously, she soon had the deeds for a lot, a store, and a ton of furniture. She didn't know shit about furniture though.

68. Throwing Muses
"Two Step"  4:35
The Real Ramona
Newport, RI

When Alexis was 5 years old, she went into to school and declared: "when I grow up, I want to work in the sales office of a furniture store." The teacher's clapped, and she was voted most likely to succeed. She studied hard and worked her whole life to fulfill her ambition to someday work in the office of a furniture store, and did just that. Her personality is all about papers, proper forms, and the intricate details of proper procedure in the office of the furniture store. She considers Benny a loser, mostly because he does not fill out the forms properly, and is eagerly anticipating his stitches to heal so she can catch him out in the parking lot and require him to need stitches again.

67. Nirvana
"Breed"  3:04
Seattle, WA

Another raid took place at Cook's furniture. All of the mascots were once again targeted for assassination, and the mission was complete. This time, they had to be more strategic due to the fact that Bertie had some sort of mystical intimidation to her. After a careful stakeout, Hennigan's people awaited the mascots to go on break, go outside to smoke cigarettes and eat lunch, and they were quickly gunned down and thrown into the back of a truck and taken to the warehouse.

66. Unsane
"Maggot"  3:18
New York, NY

There was some hassle with some of the people working at the warehouse next to Hennigan's. Due to the fact they were dealing with mass homicide, they had to be careful as to not get caught. It turns out some sort of inspection was taking place, and there were some more people on the way. The assassins had to act fast, but due to the circumstances, had to ditch one of the mascots inside an oak coffee table. It was not a major concern; just the job was not complete. They had to rush to get the other bodies they were unable to quickly stash out of there and into the proper incinerator.

65. Primus
"American Life"  4:33
Sailing the Seas of Cheese
El Sobrante, CA

By having a paycheck every week, Benny felt as if he no longer had any use for Angela and her petty ass Pharmacist income. She didn't have to leave him lunch money anymore, and as of now, what he spent his money on was his business, and not hers. Furthermore, he was positive that he made way more money at the furniture store in a week ($8.50/hour) than she would ever see at that stupid pharmacy (salary- $142,000/year). He was living the life of luxury, buying nice bags of pot, records, and eating out. It didn't matter if she did not approve, he was hoping she would break up with him. But she didn't; and he kept trying to convince his co-workers that he trips and falls down a flight of steps each day.

64. The Ocean Blue
"Ballerina Out of Control"  3:55
Hershey, PA

Astrologically, Angela was born on a cusp, which caused two conflicting personality traits. She is completely independent, and it is to the extreme that she despises any person who tries to tell her what to do. Furthermore, she is in great shape, athletic, and voluntarily teaches a women's self-defense class. On the other hand, she does not like to be completely alone. It is just nice to have somebody else around, to talk to about what she finds important, and be intimate with. Benny happened to stumble upon this role by accidentally running out in front of her car.

63. Breathless
"Help Me Get Over It"  5:10
Between Happiness and Heartache
London, England

After lunch, none of the mascots returned. Upon searching for them, they were officially gone. At first, it was a somber moment. The sales people all joined hands in the store, the band played the music, and a few of the sales reps, wearing suits, sang out a somber tune, in harmony. But, doors sprang open, it was Bertie Cook. The music kicked in, Bertie had with her an army of scary looking creatures. They walked from the front to the back of the store, out the back door. The sales reps sang a few more lines, then did an ambitious dance routine in the store, while in the back, Bertie conjured up more demons. The band jammed.

62. Flipper's Guitar
"Aquamarine"  6:20
Doctor Head's World Tower
Tokyo, Japan

On his days off, Benny would achieve his goal to do absolutely nothing, sit home, smoke weed, and listen to records. He found company in a cartoon alligator named Renaldo, who showed up periodically with a group of other pals. Together, they resolved the world's problems and made fascinating discoveries in the backyard. They would take long walks, the people in the community would all stop and stare, while Renaldo would smile, wave, and wish them a happy day. The voyages led to the middle of the woods, where a sea creature lived and could change the colors of the sky.

61. Sun City Girls
"Cad Walleder"  8:11
Dawn of the Devi
Phoenix, AZ

I had a dream about the sea creature. He spoke of a great distress. Changed the sky to this color. The ground became this color. There was a pit in the ocean, the void of black death. A merchant ship had set sail, the ship had sank, but was resurrected by the sea creature. Invisible to the human race, dead to existence of mankind, they floated through the seas on expensive hand crafted sofas, with an end table floating next to them, feet propped up on an elegant ottoman. There was a gaze in their eyes. They knew not where they were going. Sailing next to them, standing on recliner, steering with a pole, a Chinese man named Floyd who wears round blue sunglasses, a woman named Bertie, and a fleet of demons.

60. The Bats
"Watch the Walls"  4:30
Fear of God
Christchurch, New Zealand

Alexis called Benny into her office, immediately he was excited, got an erection, and assumed that the purpose of this conference was going to be strictly sexual. Instead, Alexis confronted Benny about the forms he had filled out incorrectly. She lectured him on the proper way to fill out the forms, and explained to him exactly what she expected to be done- leaning over to show him the lines, he glanced down her shirt. After the lecture, Alexis sat Benny in a chair that could roll across the floor, rolled him over to the wall, pressed a button opening a trap door in the floor, and pushed Benny down the chute. She called out to him over the intercom in the cellar that he had to fill out all of the forms correctly and could not come out until after he was done.

59. Pixies
"Motorway to Roswell"  4:44
Trompe le Monde
Boston, MA

Shaw and Rex did not like Benny. The two of them would often make fun of him, and declare that he had to do work like sweep the stockroom. They spread rumors that he and Rosco were gay lovers because they ate lunch together. Dan Hennigan entered an altercation between Benny and Rex that was getting ready to get ugly. Come on, Benny, let's go take a ride. I need you to drive me somewhere. It was cool because Benny got out of having to fill out a form. Plus, he had Angela's car that day (parking issues at her work, he had to drop her off and pick her up that day at 6:00 PM and if he was late, that meant more stitches), her car was way better than his. Benny drove, Dan sat passenger, told him where to go.

58. Fugazi
"Exit Only"  3:13
Steady Diet of Nothing
Washington, D.C.

Benny felt like a badass with Dan. Dan told wild stories about asses he kicked, people he told to fuck off, cussed, Dan did not take any shit. They pulled into a warehouse, Dan insisted they needed to pick something up to take somewhere, Benny had to come in and help. The warehouse was dark and vacant, Benny asked furniture store questions. "In here." Dan opened the compartment of a table and there was the dead body dressed like a happy giraffe. "Give me a hand with this." Benny was confused, but assisted anyway. They carried the dead guy out of the warehouse and into the back of Angela's car- a hatchback in which you could see a rolled up giraffe mascot in the back if you looked for it.

57. Kyuss
"Deadly Kiss"  5:05
Palm Desert, CA

Benny didn't ask directly if that was a dead body, but was fairly certain. It was, however, dressed in mascot gear, gigantic giraffe head, in the costume, no actual body was revealed; it just looked like a dead giraffe. Dan guided him to another place, told him to wait out in the car. While Dan went inside, Benny was looking in the back to see what exactly it was. Then, he heard gun shots, some guy flew out the window dead. Another guy was beat up, and Dan dragged him into Angela's car, threw him in the backseat getting blood everywhere. "Take off, go!" Benny floored the gas pedal. "Not too fast!" The guy in the back drew a gun, and Dan turned around and shot him. "Fuck 'em. Just keep going. Be cool, act like nothing happened.

56. The Jesus Lizard
"Seasick"  3:11
Chicago, IL

Gigantic waves crashed against the back of Cook's furniture store. The shipping dock flooded with waters from the black sea of death. Bertie opened up the back doors, people floated in on sofas, coffee tables, and Floyd, the Chinese man with blue round sunglasses. In the back storage area, another gang of Chinese men had entered, with briefcases, weapons of mass destruction. They handed out assault rifles, machine guns, rocket launchers, all this to the people who had drowned in vast pit in the sea of death. With a swift kick to the door, the army marched through the furniture store. Everybody stopped and stared, except the elderly couple that was fucking on the king size mattresses on special. The army cocked their rifles and prepared for battle.

55. Drive Like Jehu
"Good Luck in Jail"  4:04
San Diego, CA

The backseat of Angela's car was a bloody mess. Blood had spilled all over the backseat and onto the floor, in broad daylight, reminiscent of the famous scene in the movie Pulp Fiction. Fuck it, don't even worry about it. Dan ordered Benny to pull into a car wash, quickly. In the car wash, Dan dragged the guy he just shot out of the car, stood him up against the wall, and told Benny to stay by him and make sure he doesn't fall- can't look suspicious. He put some quarters in, and soaked the back of Angela's car, spraying out all the blood. He sprayed the dead person off completely, and put him back in the backseat. "Go to the spray and wash," once the outside of the car was cleaned, and inside where they could not be seen, Dan ditched the guy he just shot inside the spray and wash.

54. АукцЫон
"День Победы"  4:08
St. Petersburg, Russia

Benny kept quiet. He did not care about the guy that got shot, he was worried that Angela was going to be pissed because her car was soaking wet because Dan drenched it with the car wash sprayer. Furthermore, it was approaching 6:00 and there was still this dead giraffe mascot in the back. While Benny was driving, worried about if he would be able to pick up Angela right at 6:00, and what he was going to tell her about the car getting so wet, Dan was still laughing, cracking jokes. "Ah, fuck her, just tell her it rained. Tell her that you love her, and you cleaned it for her, because you care."

53. Cows
"I'm Missing"  3:57
Minneapolis, MN

Dan told Benny they had another stop to make- pull in right here. Come on, inside, we have to be quick. They parked right in the front of the door, no parking. Inside, nobody was around. Dan looked around, searched, went through the cash register. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a little wiry guy with a mustache jumped out from behind the counter and attacked Dan; his wife attacked Benny. The woman was beating the crap out of Benny, had him down kicking him, talking shit. After a struggle, Dan shot his guy, then shot the woman, splattering her blood all over Benny.

52. NoMeansNo
"The Fall"  5:28
0 + 2 = 1
Victoria, BC  Canada

Benny was covered in blood, out of breath. Dan was calm, there were two dead bodies, and he put his gun away. Come on, quickly. They had to be fast, gun shots were heard, they had to get out and take off before anybody spotted them. Dan pushed Benny out the door, and gave him a lecture about how important it is to lock the door after doing a hit, it prolongs the investigation. Outside, locked outside now, the car, Angela's car, soaking wet with a dead giraffe mascot in the back, got towed for parking illegally. Benny was covered in blood that had splattered all over him, and they were standing on a busy street corner at rush hour.

51. Vermonster
"Black Sally"  15:51
Instinctively Inhuman
Boston, MA

It was now after 6:00, Benny had not shown up. Angela was fuming mad, and declared Benny was in deep shit. She tried calling, got no answer. And she stormed out of her parking lot, walking up to the bus stop. Angry. And lucky.

Benny had no idea where he was… all he knew was that he was covered in blood, standing on a busy intersection in the middle of the day, and his already abusive girlfriend's car was towed with a dead body in it. And his boss, was pushing him around, talking some bullshit about the police, shooting the police if necessary. Benny didn't give a fuck about the police; he was worried about Angela finding out. They were going to walk, go into a public bathroom, let Dan do the talking, go the bus stop, then go get the car out of impound. "No big deal," says Dan. Right as they turned the corner, there's Angela, heading to the same bus stop. As stated before, And lucky...meaning, that after Angela was finished beating the shit out of Benny, there was now a legitimate excuse as to why he was covered in blood.

NC-17 Soundtraxxx SONGS OF 1991:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1

Top Image by: CDC
Bottom Image by: Malina mix

1 comment:

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