Chapter 1: The Great Thomas Pilsbury Film
Chapter 2: Sex Vs. Violence
Chapter 3: Extravagant Footage From the Motherland
Chapter 4: Animal Rights Activation
Chapter II: Sex Vs. Violence
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
75. Sam & Dave
"Hold On, I'm Comin'" 2:33
Hold On, I'm Comin'
At last it was unveiled, Ned elected to sponsor Thomas Pilsbury's film project and circulate the film nationwide. Also, Ned was approaching the world with more vigor since now he realized exactly where it was all of these little creatures were coming from; perhaps he should have known all along. Last but not least, Ned was going to announce to everybody about his mating rituals with Thomas Pilsbury and what he had learned.
74. Merle Haggard
"The Longer You Wait" 2:22
Swinging Doors and the Bottle Let Me Down
Bonnie worked as a secretary in Ned's office. She hated Ned, but still showed up for work every day because she needed money to pay her bills. When Ned informed her of a new assignment to promote a video of rabbits having sex in the forest, Bonnie showed an unwillingness to cooperate and threatened to quit once and for all because she was sick and tired of putting up with Ned. Ned went in his office and cried.
73. Violeta Parra
"Gracias a la Vida" 4:34
Las últimas composiciones de Violeta Parra
San Carlos, Chile (1917)-Santiago, Chile (1967)
Tillman was so excited to finally be freed from that deranged human family and their little wire cage that she went into heat. As a celebration, her boyfriend was going to take her into this yard and make sweet love to her for about 48 seconds. It was Ned's yard. When Ned saw the bunnies mating he grew very compassionate, smiled sweetly, and watched attentively as the pretty flowers sprung up all around them all. The flowers smiled.
72. Willie Nelson
"Seasons of My Heart" 2:34
Country Favorites: Willie Nelson Style
Ned's backyard became a romantic retreat for bunny rabbits. Before too long, rabbits were showing up every day to mate in his yard. During the sex acts, Ned would stand beside the mating rabbits and strum an acoustic guitar and sing for them to enhance the mood. Thomas Pilsbury would show up with his video equipment and soon had a whole collection of rabbit mating films.
71. John Lee Hooker
"You're Wrong" 4:25
It Serve You Right to Suffer
Clarksdale, MS (8-22-1917)-Los Altos, CA (2001)
Fundamentalists within the community had a huge problem with the video series being taught in schools. They did not view the films as educational, but rather as rabbit porn. Thomas explained to them that studying the mating habits of rabbits was beneficial for humans. He did not state exactly why this was so essential, but the parents assumed it was logical, and then proceeded to tell other people that this was beneficial to humans as well. They didn't exactly state why either, but everyone just assumed everyone else was right.
70. The Butterfield Blues Band
"Never Say No" 2:59
Bonnie finally packed up her belongings and told Ned that she was quitting, just weeks before the video was scheduled to be released. Ned begged her to stay, and offered her a raise and lifetime supply of free railroad ties. She told him off, said a bit of cruel things to him, and walked out bitterly. This was the saddest moment in the life of Ned, and he felt his life was now ruined.
69. Carla Thomas
"Comfort Me" 2:42
Ned did not know where secretaries came from either and how no idea that he could just put an ad in the paper and hire a new one. Bonnie had been working there for a long time, and was already employed when he inherited the company. But, Ned was now full of logic, and assumed you could produce secretaries the same way rabbits are produced. Just like the environment he created in his backyard, Ned put on some romantic music, took off his clothes, and allowed all the railroad tie laborers to sodomize him with intentions that it would produce a new secretary.
68. Krzysztof Komeda
Poznań, Poland (1931)-Warsaw, Poland (1969)
Thomas Pilsbury met with a group of biologists who were interested in possibly studying the films. He brought the films into their office, and a large group of highly educated scientists sat back in chairs viewing the film of the rabbits doing the nasty. They watched attentively, making careful observations, and sometimes jotting down notes on their clipboards. After the film, the group turned their attention to Thomas, and asked a series of questions. This was good stuff, and Thomas insisted he had an entire library of rabbit mating films.
67. Tim Buckley
"Song Slowly Song" 4:16
Washington, D.C. (1947)-Santa Monica, CA (1975)
When people get too involved with a project, they have a tendency to dream about this project during sleep. Dreams are often weird anyway. Strange music and experimenting with LSD both can enhance vivid dreams and cause them to be stranger than they already are. Thomas Pilsbury hit the trifecta, he tried LSD for the first time, listened to some dreamy music, and had some intensely strange dreams about purple rabbits mating in the mushroom forest.
66. The 4 Seasons
"Working My Way Back to You" 3:04
Working My Way Back to You
Penny was Vern the rabbit's girlfriend, but he was cheating on her with Biscuits. After Biscuits was captured and killed by the owl, Vern realized that he made a mistake and was genuinely in love with Penny. Vern was plotting schemes to win her back, but Penny saw Vern on the videotape fucking Biscuits in the same place they once shared a magical moment. But, Vern knew of some bloke from across the way who could supposedly interact with humans and was en route to scoring a two pound bag of carrots for her.
65. France Gall
"Et Des Baisers" 2:20
Paris, France (1947)-Senegal (present)
Many people watch films for the sole purpose of entertainment, and that a film considered educational is boring. While many film critics delve deeply into plot structure and character development, others simply want to view something easy that will make them laugh. Ned held a screening of the rabbit film, but never told anybody what it was about, and they all assumed they were watching a real movie. After several minutes of watching various scenes of rabbits doing it in the woods, alongside Pilsbury's commentary, they laughed uncontrollably for the remainder of the film. It was a big joke to them.
64. The Incredible String Band
"Good as Gone" 3:28
Also popular in films about animals is the sub-plot in which one species eats another species. Lester Conway went out into the wilderness and was the very first person to ever videotape a coyote chasing down a rabbit and eating it. Although there was some temptation to help the rabbit, he wanted to capture wildlife in its natural state so he could show the world just how this side lived.
63. Chico Hamilton
"The Dealer" 6:24
Los Angeles, CA
Lester's tape was morbid, but it captivated audiences. When he first showed it to somebody, they found it boring at first. But, when the coyote entered the picture, chased down the rabbit, and devoured it, they were intrigued. The favorite part of the film was when all the blood splattered out the rabbit’s body and into the fangs of the coyote. They found it so cool, that many wanted to watch it again.
62. The Shadows of Knight
"The Behemoth" 2:36
Back Door Men
Chicago, IL/New York, NY
The fundamentalists in the community were enamored with Lester Conway's film, it needed no explanation, and it was nice to see other animals living out God's will. Furthermore, Lester eventually had to reject funding sponsorships for more projects because he was overwhelmed with work. Just the other day, he was flown 1st class into Cambodia to film a pack of hyenas mow down a gazelle. When he returned home, his mailbox was stuffed full of fan mail.
61. John Renbourn
A huge reason why so many Americans are obese is because they are more interested in the eating habits of other animals rather than their mating habits. If they would spend less time eating and more time fucking, than maybe they would be in better shape. But, eating is not a sin, having sex with rabbits is, even if you are happily married to the rabbit. Lester Conway became Thomas Pilsbury's nemesis.
60. Tim Hardin
"Green Rocky Road" 2:19
Eugene, OR (1941)-Los Angeles, CA (1980)
The rabbit that Ned had been conversing with refused to tell him his name, and insisted anyone named Ned must be a pile of shit just like him. Finally, Ned figured out his name was Popco, named after the famous actor who starred in the rabbit version of Dracula in 1842. Popco was never very pleasant towards Ned, even after he had scored him a two pound bag of carrots. It was mainly because Ned talked too much, and asked foolish questions- this time complaining about Lester Conway's video series and if Popco had ever known anyone who had ever been eaten by a coyote.
59. Perrey & Kingsley
"Cosmic Ballad" 3:29
The In Sound From Way Out!
New York, NY
In order to keep up with the stiff competition that Lester Conway was bringing with his animal series depicting various species of animals getting eaten by another one, Thomas Pilsbury decided he needed to do something in order to make his presentation all the more suitable. The first thing he decided to do was make his educational video more like an actual film. He pieced together several segments of film to create various story lines and had some of his friends do voiceovers. However, these guys weren't trained for this, and Larry as the voice of Biscuits did not fit well. The voices were as bad as possible.
58. Horace Silver
"The Jody Grind" 5:50
The Jody Grind
Then, he came up with his best idea yet. In order to compare and contrast, he decided it would be a good idea to film humans mating, and show it alongside with the sequences involving rabbits. Unfortunately, the only people who were willing to do this on film were Ned and this laborer named Herman. It wasn't ideal, but it would have to do. When he demonstrated this version to committee, a serious drama with talking rabbits, and Pilsbury monotonously explaining the similarities of rabbits and Ned with Herman, he was met with hostility and security was called.
57. Boudewijn de Groot
"Verdronken Vlinder" 2:26
Voor de Overlevenden
He began to wonder how Ned had so many rabbits in his yard and in the yard of Pilsbury, there were none. Thomas did not pay much attention to Ned, was more interested in his funds than him personally. And, the one time they did have sex; it wasn't as if he were a homosexual or anything...Thomas just had to demonstrate what was going on. Ned claims he talks to this one rabbit, but Pilsbury simply assumed he was a flake who had been using LSD. His Aunt Margaret used to speak to her cat, but she was a flake (in actuality, Aunt Margaret really could speak to her cat.)
56. Blues Magoos
"Sometimes I Think About" 4:14
New York, NY
Vern was going through a rough phase out in the forest. It wasn't long ago that he was tapping two asses a day, now one of them dumped him and the other was eaten by an owl. This made Vern reflect on his past. Maybe neither of those two was supposed to be the one. He once had a girlfriend named Willie Jean, but she took off down to New Orleans. Sometimes he thinks about her, and wishes things were different around here. He contemplated a new way to win back Penny, left a few little pebbles in the mulch under the bushes, and hopped off to mall to shop for a new lamp for the burrow.
55. Paul Revere & The Raiders
"I'm Not Your Stepping Stone" 2:51
Popco called Ned a whiny little bitch after listening to him complain for several minutes about Herman wasn't giving him enough support emotionally. In fact, he had heard rumors that Herman was also getting some from a couple other laborers on the side. What the hell did Ned care? Those same laborers sodomized him in the attempt to create a new secretary. But still! Ned was way too passive, and Popco insisted that he need to tell this Herman to fuck the straight right off- now.
54. The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band
"I Won't Hurt You" 2:22
Los Angeles, CA
Thomas Pilsbury did not have the persona required to ever film another animal getting eaten. Once Biscuits was captured by the owl, he shut off the camera. To him, it would seem immoral to actually film that sort of thing. But, filming animals having sex, that was perfectly fine. He wondered how awful it would seem if Lester filmed his one girlfriend getting eaten by a pack of wolves. Seeing another animal suffer physical pain disturbed him.
53. George Benson
Pittsburgh, PA/Englewood, NJ
Lester Conway did not have the persona required to ever film to animal species having sex. To him, doing this seemed immoral and downright gross. However animals have sex is their business and nobody else's. Whenever he would see two animals mating, he would turn off the camera and look away. He wondered if Pilsbury had ever filmed him giving that guy from gym class a blow job. The thought of two species mating disturbed him, and he thought that if anybody were to ever be fascinated with this that they must have serious mental issues, a pedophile, and a threat to society...his children.
52. Roy Harper
Manchester, England/Clonakilty, Ireland
Lester was enjoying enormous popularity, and Pilsbury was not. He had quit the accounting firm, and was dependent on funding from Ned, who was acting a bit flaky these days. It seemed as if all were lost, and the prestigious award he was hoping to win for his wonderful achievement in film was now going to go to Lester. There would be no banquets either. As Pilsbury pondered about this, he stood on a street corner, strumming a guitar, singing, while false hopes and Lester flashed on the brick wall behind him. Audience: Vern, same thoughts and reflections.
51. John Coltrane
Hamlet, NC (1926)-Huntington, NY (1967)
Pilsbury contemplated the notion of American-izing his film and adding excessive violence to the sexual content. That perhaps he and Lester should not be conflicting with one another, but joining minds, show his film of a two animals getting it on, followed by one of the animals getting chased down by a pack of cheetahs. But then, the idea came to him. Maybe it isn't sex that bothers people...its rabbits. While Lester is out filming other species other than rabbits hunting and eating one another, he needs to go out and film other species mating...no more rabbits. He went to Ned for financing, and off he went.
Top Image by: Miss Macross
Bottom image by: Nano-Reef