Part 1: Previews of Coming Attractions
Part 2: Muff Stench Hysteria
Part 3: Doctor Visits Shrink
Part 4: Sausage Controversy
Part 5: Customer Appreciation Party
Part 6: Zubar's Curse
Part 7: The Gynecologist's Bad Acid Trip
Part V: Customer Appreciation Party
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
Dr. Pritchard determined it was time for a vacation and began planning where to go. He knew he wanted to be far removed from everything in his life, but wasn't sure exactly where. Whether needed or not, patients, neighbors, and all the people he sought to escape found it necessary to offer suggestions.75. Caroliner
"Hazel Wet Lap" 4:37
Rise of the Common Woodpile
San Francisco, CA
Tabitha inquired about the message on the door that stated the dates the clinic would be closed while having her muff examined. She and Dr. Pritchard conversed about all of the elements involving the closure of the clinic and he explained that his vacation plans were uncertain as to where he was going yet. Tabitha claimed that he just needed to go out and get really stoned and that she had some excellent weed she would be willing to exchange for a free muff exam. "Two tokes of this will send you flying anywhere in the world you ever wanted to visit." She also suggested that Wilmington, Delaware was a fabulous vacation retreat. Dr. Pritchard dismissed any notion of visiting Delaware for his vacation, but her visit was free and she left a baggie of high grade marijuana with the receptionist.
"Rock and Roll" 3:50
Rock and Roll
Dr. Pritchard had been struggling with his age lately as well. He was 43 years old, but many claimed that he looked 53. The grizzled image seemed to happen quickly; within a few months he lost most of his hair and his waistline ballooned rapidly. Perhaps this was definitive of a mid-life crisis. In order to maintain his youth, Dr. Pritchard enjoyed a generous portion of Tabitha's high-grade marijuana and attended a rock and roll concert. After extensive soul searching that accompanies marijuana intoxication, Dr. Pritchard reached the conclusion that music had kept him youthful; and old; happy; and miserable. Following the concert, Dr. Pritchard stayed out all night partying with a group of 20-something hipsters... getting drunk, stoned, talking about music, and grotesque muff disorders.
73. Einstürzende Neubauten
Fünf auf der Nach Oben Offenen Richterskala
There is no job in existence that is completely tolerable when having to work while suffering from a severe hangover. However, a gynecology clinic may be rated the worst possible position to perform with a hangover. Certain smells commonly inflict nauseousness upon hungover people, and a bad muff is equally appalling as spoiled Chinese food. Dr. Pritchard questioned whether or not this job was even worth the salary, and weighed retirement as perhaps a more suitable option than vacation. Due to the struggles with the mid-life crisis however, retirement sounded much older than he was prepared.
He was noticeably struggling with a hangover, and like friends do, many of the long-time patients decided it would be fun to "fuck with" Dr. Pritchard. It seemed as if all the patients telephoned one another and relayed the message that Dr. Pritchard was hungover.
72. Half Japanese
Music to Strip By
Colleen showed up for her appointment and she was dressed in elegant business attire. Upon entering, she "accidentally" slammed the door loudly. She then propped onto the exam table without removing her skirt. Dr. Pritchard mentioned her skirt, but she abruptly interrupted him and claimed she couldn't reach the back zipper; requested he perform the exam by merely raising up her skirt. Dr. Pritchard obliged, pulled up the skirt, and revealed that Colleen was wearing an enormous black strap-on dildo. Colleen laughed out loud by his reaction for several minutes.
71. Laughing Hyenas
"That Girl" 5:17
Merry Go Round
Roberta insisted that the doctor should go on a vacation overseas and find himself a nice mail order bride. According to her, this was becoming popular and the new way to find everlasting love. She declared that he could visit a foreign country, find some random woman struggling financially, and this woman would relocate to America for a better life and one piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Somalia seemed like the ideal location, but any country that had been stricken with famine would be sufficient. These were nice women, and Roberta informed him that she would be always appreciative and supportive because Dr. Pritchard was her savior from inevitable starvation. Furthermore, being a gynecologist, Dr. Pritchard could miraculously cure her ailing muffs which, in all likelihood, had been infested with flies and various other diseases.
70. The Bats
"Block of Wood" 3:14
Christchurch, New Zealand
Dr. Pritchard visualized himself in less-than-ideal vacation resorts to rule out certain destinations. FLASH IMAGES: The themed festival seemed horrid, and Dr. Pritchard suffered severe anxiety in the midst of any overly crowded attraction; a look of disgruntlement directed towards the suburban family snapping photographs; the spiritual retreat featured a gathering of people wearing white robes joining hands in prayer—they had all seen the light, except Dr. Pritchard, who looked completely distraught with the entire affair. Images of Disneyland, or any place that attracted too many damn kids, began as sunny and sweet, but gradually were stricken with nightmarish visions reminiscent of Hell... the kiddie ride caught fire as Dr. Pritchard was in a torture chamber with kids and moms pinning colorful balloons to his chest. A retreat in the middle of nowhere, far away from everybody, had some appeal... the desert. Travelling abroad was a definite interest.
69. Danielle Dax
"Sleep Has No Property" 4:32
The last time Dr. Pritchard had sex was with a patient named Beverly in the exam room. Beverly was not attractive at all, but Dr. Pritchard had become desperate when she entered the clinic. As he later explained in an interview regarding examining the muffs of beautiful women for a college student who assumed gynecologists had the best job in the world: “It's never the hot gorgeous women that want sex. No, when they come in, you have to resist all temptation… and it’s usually unexpected. These babes just get you so worked up that you will go for anything. I had three hot females in a row, all showing off their lusty figures, and as a human being… dealing with this shit for over an hour, natural human stimulation gradually settled in. Beverly was the next patient… some fat overweight hag who was always overly flirtatious and making crude jokes and what not. Next thing you know…” FLASH IMAGE: Dr. Pritchard having sex with an old hag on the exam table. Surprisingly, he added to another friend, “I have no desire to get laid on my vacation. That’s the bad part of my job... I need to get away from muffs entirely.”
68. Lubricated Goat
Plays the Devil's Music
Dr. Pritchard also filled in occasionally at the abortion clinic. Abortion day was always a day filled with sheer eccentric madness, particularly for Dr. Pritchard. This city, like every other city, was overly infested with abortion protesters and roadside billboards denouncing abortion. In splendid Dr. Pritchard fashion, he countered these protests with controversial actions that caused immense uproar. The protesters did not purchase the sidewalk in front of the abortion clinic, although many of them claim otherwise. Therefore, he delegated some good friends to utilize the sidewalk space in front of the clinic to protest various other issues that did not pertain to abortion. One morning, the protesters were met with poster board signs, depicting extremely grotesque images that warned people about the dangers of fishing. The word “fishing” was captioned in horror movie style font, and conveyed the horrifying stat:
250,000 earthworms are killed year because of FISHING!!!
FISHING stops a beating heart!!!
Another protested restaurants that waste too much food… declared: IT"S A SLICE OF TOAST... NOT A CHOICE!!!
67. Violeta De Outono
"Sombras Flutantes" 6:26
São Paulo, Brazil
He also launched what he referred to as the “before/after campaign.” The notion of this declared that babies are only cute for a couple years. Therefore, babies should never be regarded as miracles—but rather, future assholes. The before photo was a cute little baby / the after picture was an undesirable douche. Furthermore, it was not as if there weren't enough people in the world already and we needed even more of them. He designed a billboard that featured a fat dirty woman at the welfare office. The caption read: Who pays for child #7? We do! American families can no longer afford this!
66. Cryptic Slaughter
"Freedom of Expression" 3:19
Santa Monica, CA
Dr. Pritchard rented the enormous billboard space on the freeway that was next to the billboard that read: "ABORTION KILLS CHILDREN!" His billboard offered a different perspective: "ABORTION: A SAFE AND INEXPENSIVE WAY TO END AN UNWANTED PREGNANCY" The billboard also featured a group of women smiling merrily, with one of them being a nun. Protesters were outraged and demanded that it be removed immediately. However, Dr. Pritchard countered by stating that he had equal rights to advertise his products as the religious protesters do with their campaign. It would be unconstitutional to grant domain to religious groups based on a matter of opinion. American freedom was unconditionally guaranteed to the protesters and the court ruled that Dr. Pritchard’s billboard had to be taken down; he was also heavily fined for obscenity. The anti-abortion billboard remains to this day.
65. The Connells
"If It Crumbles" 3:44
Protesters had joined hands and were conducting a silent prayer when Dr. Pritchard arrived. He observed this bizarre ritual for a moment and found these people morbidly disgusting. Suddenly, in unison, the prayer ended, and the hostile mob shouted vehemently at the abortion clinic—as if the building could understand a single word they said. A random eccentric man entered the malevolent crowd and decided it was the appropriate moment to perform a puppet show; directly in front of the abortion clinic amidst and unruly group of abortion protesters.
The plot of the irrelevant puppet show consisted of cute little bunnies shopping for a going away present for the Princess who was relocating to Oklahoma; the puppeteer announced to passing pedestrians that the protesters were angry with the outcome of his storyline because these people felt that Oklahoma was an unsuitable environment for a Princess Bunny. People faked a loud laugh and tipped the puppeteer generously while completely ignoring the complaints of the abortion protesters.
64. Tar Babies
"Loose Convictions" 2:21
A woman screeched her car into a parking space that she created on her own convictions and nearly committed numerous acts of vehicular homicide with the dangerous onslaught directed towards the abortion protesters. She angrily stormed out of her car carrying a newborn baby in her arms.
ANGRY WOMAN: (to the protesters) "Listen here you mother fucking freaks! This baby is not a miracle! This baby smells like a turkey sandwich. If you all love babies so much, then one of you take it!"
The crowd grew silent, pedestrians froze in their tracks, and the puppet master stopped the show. Everybody stared at this woman, stared at the child; somebody cautiously approached and sniffed the baby.
63. Happy Flowers
"Jenny Tried to Kiss Me at Recess" 2:23
My Skin Covers My Body
LEAD PROTESTER: (to the woman, comforting) “This is a child of Jesus. Jesus loves this child, and Jesus loves you."
ANGRY WOMAN: "Fuck you! Then you take the little cock sucker! And you and Jesus can explain why your whole house stinks like a God damn turkey sandwich!"
"Cow Jazz/Car Chase" 3:42
Taint Pluribus Taint Unum
Just as things were about to turn violent, RANDOM HOMELESS GUY and GREGOR the violent criminal happened to stroll through the crowd and witness the scene. They eagerly approached the madness and saw the child that was causing the outrage.
RANDOM HOMELESS GUY: (to GREGOR) "Oh look pooky, there's a beautiful baby we could adopt."
GREGOR the recently transformed woman agreed.
61. Green on Red
"The Killer Inside Me" 5:40
The Killer Inside Me
Los Angeles, CA
GREGOR drew a gun and violently jammed it into the face of LEAD PROTESTOR.
GREGOR: "Give me $10 mother fucker!"
LEAD PROTESTOR hastily retrieved his wallet with trembling hands, withdrew a $20 bill, and fearfully handed it to GREGOR. The dangerous criminal snatched the bill out of his hand and stared at him coldly. Maintaining the cold stare, and the gun pointedl in his face, GREGOR fumbled through his pockets and retrieved a $10 bill of his own.
GREGOR: (beaming LEAD PROTESTER in the face with the $10 bill) "Here's your change...faggot!"
Immediately after this transaction, he gave the $20 bill to the woman, and then jammed the gun into her face.
GREGOR: (shouting angrily at ANGRY WOMAN) "Bitch! Give me my fucking change! Now bitch!"
60. Suicidal Tendencies
"Join the Army" 3:37
Join the Army
The time had arrived for a customer appreciation office party. Like so many other parties, there were gift exchanges, beverages, festivities, and kegs of beer, lots of weed, plus a charade of 50+ year old patients proudly displaying their happy muffs for the other patients to exclaim ultimate approval. It was a celebration of success shared between groups of individuals who opt to do things differently. During these parties, they took immense efforts to do things as differently as possible. As a token of appreciation, the highlight of the party featured an array of ongoing jokes targeted towards boring gynecologists. Once intoxicated, the patients made prank phone calls to other gynecologists… creating fake appointments for fabricated, absolutely ridiculous complications.
59. Guns 'N' Roses
"It's So Easy" 3:23
Appetite For Destruction
Los Angeles, CA
Dr. Pritchard cherished these parties and was a rare time that he actually enjoyed his job. Even though these people annoyed the shit out him, celebrations like this represented victory… all the battles he had fought with society, these people had his back. Of course, these people were a bunch of freaks. And so Dr. Pritchard was the toast of the celebration. They downed shots together and drank to a multitude of topics. To a happy muff! To abortions! To sex change operations! To muffs that smell like Helen’s pot brownies!
"Don't You Know" 4:07
As usual, the party lasted well into the night and gradually spun wildly out of control. Being as they were now good paying clients, RANDOM HOMELESS GUY and GREGOR were regarded as a welcome addition to the party. They imported with them the featured products of their own business… several bags of high-grade cocaine. Many of these women had yet to experiment with cocaine, but once Millie snorted a few lines, she became the life of the party. Millie insisted that her muff was so happy that it could snort lines. A collection of $100 was raised as a bet that challenged whether or not Millie could indeed snort a line of cocaine into her muff. Somehow, Millie’s muff miraculously vacuumed the entire line of coke, and Millie was awarded the prize.
57. Grateful Dead
"Hell in a Bucket" 5:39
In the Dark
San Francisco, CA
Shortly after midnight, a key member of the medicine committee (and staunch rival) arrived to the party. The music was loud and the patients were all drunk, stoned, or high on coke. Although uninvited, DR. TRESSLEMAN entered the sheer craziness with a gift. While he was searching the clinic for Dr. Pritchard, he happened to witness Bruno seated on a table with his muff expose; beside him was Teresa with her muff exposed. They were both drunk and Bruno's wife was in front of them in her wheelchair, rolling back and forth, taking turns giving both Bruno and Theresa oral pleasure. She claimed that she was conducting an experiment differentiating her husband's muff and the muff of a natural woman. Her husband's was determined significantly better, although she might be a little biased.
DR. TRESSLEMAN: (to Dr. Pritchard) "So, this is what the infamous Dr. Pritchard office parties are like?"
56. Able Tasmans
A Cuppa Tea and a Lie Down
Auckland, New Zealand
The party resembled the Midnight Cowboy psychedelic party, featuring video screens displaying bizarre images, clouds of smoke, loud music, and the patrons were free to do as they wished; simply replace the cast of Midnight Cowboy with mostly middle aged women and their husbands joined with a few post-op transsexuals and a few young ladies wearing their slogan T-shirts displaying phrases such as “My Abortion Saved This Beating Heart.” Denise and her husband Arnold passed DR. TRESSLEMAN a joint, and he surprisingly took a hit… followed by another hit, followed by a generous helping at the “dessert” table. Shortly afterwards, he was associating with the other members of the party, some of whom had heard of him, and talking about the most ridiculous concepts that could be imagined from an overly conservative gynecologist heavily intoxicated on hallucinogens. There were no troubles though, for he informed the party that he was hoping to change his ways… and had brought Dr. Pritchard a gift… this was a celebration for him too.
Sign "☮" the Times
FLASHBACK: THE LIFE OF DR. TRESSLEMAN: He had been Dr. Pritchard's nemesis since college. In general, DR. TRESSLEMAN not only practiced what was considered proper etiquette, but preached that it was the only way possible to conduct oneself professionally. He was offended by foul language and followed every rule according to procedure, and most doctors agree with this mentality. In college, he wore his pants up to his chest and rejected all forms of wild college behavior; he preached proper protocol to his patients who were never enamored with him; finally, he was elected to the Medicine Board and aspired to someday be President of the Board. However, his clinic had suffered drastically recently and was continuously out-performed by Dr. Pritchard’s clinic; apparently patients do not always agree with the proper protocol mentality. Many potential patients would prefer to snort cocaine up their muffs as opposed to listening to a monotonous doctor preach about proper lifestyle. Therefore, for DR. TRESSLEMAN to even attend this party in the first place was strange enough; with a gift was bizarre; smoking marijuana down shocking; even more peculiar was that he was now on a table passionately making out with Harold and caressing his muff.
"Red Hill Mining Town" 4:54
The Joshua Tree
Dr. Pritchard opened the gift that contained what was perhaps a priceless artifact. It was a primitive tribal Idol that possessed both some enchanting charm as well as a certain degree of creepiness. The Idol was elegantly constructed, hand crafted, and artistically painted; it seemed so preciously delicate that the doctor did not even want to touch it.
53. Ace Frehley
"Into the Night" 4:14
New York, NY
After the gift exchange, Dr. DR. TRESSLEMAN seemed like a different person altogether. He appeared relieved of an enormous tension, although he only rejoined the party for a short period and abruptly exited without saying goodbye to anybody. The rest of the party continued its extravagant zaniness well into the morning until either everybody had left or were passed out in various peculiar spots throughout the gynecology office. Margie was sound asleep in the waiting room, on her knees, with her head underneath one of the waiting chairs… it appeared that she passed out while searching for something she dropped underneath the chair.
52. Celtic Frost
"Rex Irae (Requiem)" 5:59
Into the Pandemonium
The following day, Dr. Pritchard examined the idol DR. TRESSLEMAN had given him. He removed the Idol from its packaging and decoratively displayed it on the book shelf of the exam room. The moment the object was placed on the mantle, Dr. Pritchard felt extremely euphoric, far more intense than any hallucinogenic drug could ever work, and quickly needed to sit down.
FLASH: A small village in Africa was burning to the ground… huts on fire and people in sheer panic. The sand dust circulated for no reason at all and swept across the plain. It appeared that an invisible figure was engulfed in the dust that rolled across a vast nothingness, transforming the colors from a dull brown to a deep crimson. All of sudden, the exam room was a place of heavenly tranquility. The window opened magically and a swarm of blue bumblebees entered and covered the lamp on the end table; another swarm completely covered Mrs. Gibson, who was now lying peacefully on the exam cot. The toilet flushed, and all of sudden, the blue bumblebees soared across the room and down into the toilet following the flow of the flush. And just like that, everything was back to normal… Mrs. Gibson was gone; the window was shut.
51. The Flaming Lips
"Love Yer Brain" 5:01
Oh My Gawd!!!
Oklahoma City, OK
These feelings of euphoria returned periodically without warning and for inconsistent periods.
FLASH BACK AND FORTH: periods of bizarre hallucinatory effects; DR. TRESSLEMAN)
ORSON WELLES STYLE NARRATION: (VO) “Yes, the idol was indeed constructed for everything that DR. TRESSLEMAN claimed. It embellished the spirits of the undead, the heavenly Gods, and powers to foster an abundant harvest; all the essentials required for survival in a world without technology.
What DR. TRESSLEMAN failed to mention was that he stole this idol from the peaceful tribe at gunpoint. Upon fleeing with the scene with their precious artifact, the tribe's witch doctor put a hex on Zubar that would dreadfully curse any person who possessed it. DR. TRESSLEMAN had read about all of this, and conducted the entire deceitful ordeal to put a curse on his rival, Dr. Pritchard.
He had, himself, previously been the one who was cursed… for he was the one who stole it. The jubilation he held the previous night was because the curse had been lifted; his strange behavior was the effects of the curse. Zubar, as DR. TRESSLEMAN hoped, would bring imminent doom to the unsuspecting Dr. Pritchard.
Top Image By: Tumblr (Big Hairy Pussy)
Bottom Image by: Hackney Gaz\zette