2011/10/19

NC17 Top 50 Traxxx of 2000

The Best of 2000 + The Year the World Supposedly Ended...Again


Act I: Toaster Dispute
Act II: The Invention of Dehumidifiers & Hemorrhoid Medication
Act III: Vaginal Lube
Act IV: The Final Act in History
Act III: Vaginal Lube


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



50. Avey Tare & Panda Bear (Animal Collective)
"La Rapet" 7:52
Spirit They're Gone, Spirit They've Vanished
Baltimore, MD

The world was a cold, dark place- sort of a desolate wasteland. The population was gathered in but small groups, disgusting looking creatures. Many resorted to cannibalism, simply walked around grunting inaudible noises, dirty wretched faces, feasting off the limbs of their neighbors...Aunt Peggy. This is what the world was like before the invention of vaginal lube.

49. The Mooney Suzuki
"Oh No" 2:45
People Get Ready
New York, NY

William's wife Agatha was in a terrible mood, beginning to get violent. William was supposed to have sex with her, but he did not want to this evening. He sat down with his wife and kindly explained to her the problem. With a calm gentle voice, he honestly confessed to his wife: "Honey, I just don't enjoy having sex with you. That pussy is just to dry. And, simply put, well, I get more enjoyment just going out into the driveway and running my dick across a pile of gravel...like I always do." They had a strong marriage and he assumed they could be honest with each other, talk things out.

48. Jucifer
"Code Escavado"  3:24
Calling All Cars on the Vegas Strip
Athens, GA

"Too dry?!" Agatha exclaimed obviously displeased, "then you need to eat this pussy- nigga!" Agatha jerked William by his head and slammed his face into her crotch. "I'll show you dry, mother fucker." It was a feeling William knew all to well, pinned down onto the floor, Agatha forcefully grinding that pussy into his face, twisting his nose to the point it feels like might break, pubic hairs tweaking the nostrils, in the teeth. She grinds into his face harder, yelling out, "still dry- nigga!", and finally, the worst part, she has an orgasm. Her legs tense up, thighs squeezing around his ears, air tight- deafening, he can no longer hear her yelling, as she grinds harder, yanking harder on his hair. Soon, that pussy is no longer dry as she shoots her vaginal juices inside his mouth, refusing to let go until it is all finished.

47. The Heroine Sheiks
"You Never"  3:36
Rape on the Installment Plan
New York, NY

After she blew her wad, she looked over at her husband and said, "fuck you nigga! It's wet now, and you ain't gettin' none of it. Now get your raggedy ass out in the driveway. Talking some bullshit about my pussy being too dry," and stomped off to bed. She came back out temporarily just knock William over the head a few times, then went on to bed. William just went out in the driveway and ran his cock through a pile of gravel, like he does every evening around this time, cursing his wife the whole time.

46. Goldfrapp
"Lovely Head"  3:50
Felt Mountain
Bath, England

The problem with women's cum, is that it is much thicker than men's. Due to the fact that women never release their tightening grip during oral induced orgasm, the male is sometimes left with glops of thick cum stuck to his chin. Furthermore, because women forcefully grind their coochies into the male's faces, the immediate reaction for the male is to check for facial damages, such as a broken nose or ligament damage to the tongue. Many men often experience a temporary loss of hearing after the female has clinched her thighs tightly around the ears. Because Agatha made William go out into the driveway and run his cock through a pile of gravel again, William suffered from having tiny pebbles and concrete dust stuck to his chin from Agatha's cum. It is sometimes difficult to remove.

45. The For Carnation
"Emp. Man's Blues"  8:12
S/T
Chicago, IL/Louisville, KY

Big, strong, muscle men are the ones who have it made- they have the right to boss women around, and the women seem to enjoy that facet. William did not meet this description. He was skinny, frail, and women bossed him around. He was repeatedly raped by women much bigger and meaner than he, as they chased him down in the street and forced him to, as they put it so romantically, "eat this pussy you little mother fucker!" Same end results, William nearly getting his face completely crushed, loss of hearing, etc. One day, a group of women cornered William in the alley, gang raped him. In the process of having to eat all these nasty tuna smelling sloppy twats, William came up with an idea-
"I am going to invent a product called vaginal lube."


44. Broadcast
"Echo's Answer"  3:12
The Noise Made by People
Birmingham, England

Denise's pussy was so God damn dry, that she would take off her panties and do the splits across the kitchen table to clean up spills. She was an average sized woman, not tall or mean enough to even force William to munch on that carpet. Her husband was a muscle guy, the ruler of the home, he wasn't about to eat that pussy. The first minute of sex hurt for her, because there was no such thing of vaginal lube. Halfway through the second minute, she would start to moisten up, but her husband would blow his wad and be finished. "Man, bitch," he'd say after they were done, "that's some dry ass pussy." He would just roll over and go to sleep. This made Denise sad, and she walked around somber, singing sad songs, wishing that her pussy would somehow, someway, get wetter, quicker... just like the laundry.

43. AIR
"Highschool Lover " 2:42
The Virgin Suicides
Versailles, France

Denise went to the kitchen and sat on a stool pouting, while studying her vagina. She started to sob, then broke down crying. It was a hard intense cry that caused shortness of breath and a painful lump in the throat- Denise went through an entire pack of tissues. That's when the idea hit her-
"I am going to invent a product called vaginal lube."
I am going to create a product, a tube of some sort, that I squeeze onto my pussy and make it dripping wet in seconds.
She began the plot right away, but unfortunately found that mustard was not a very good idea. It was cold, messy, burned a little, and made her pussy stink. The yellow stains in her pubic hairs weren't easily explained either.

42. Gorky's Zygotic Mynci
"Fresher Than the Sweetness in Water"  2:25
The Blue Trees
Carmarthen, Wales

Tabitha's twat was constantly soaking wet. As a result, she had become pretty much a hardcore sex addict. She constantly had the desire to shove something in there. Nobody would ever marry Tabitha because she could never be faithful to one person. She had sex every night, sometimes several times daily, and would periodically oral rape William just based on principle. The other day, when she routinely pinned him down behind the local bakery, he noticed that her coochie was already wet before she put in his mouth. After she was done cumming, and finished hitting him, and finished her spiel about how if he told anybody that she was going to stab him with the switchblade she pulled on him, William politely asked her how that pussy got so wet in the first place. What was her secret? After a couple swift uppercuts to the stomach, curiosity dawned on her.

41. At the Drive-In
"Non-Zero Possibility" 4:02
Relationship of Command
El Paso, TX

Tabitha had never even heard of a dried up pussy, the concept of vaginal lube seemed foolish to her, and there was a greater need for something far more important- vibrating panties. William went to great lengths to explain all the dried up coochies he had been forced to moisten, and insisted that with most of the women in this village, there was hardly any difference between their pussy holes and their assholes. He also explained that he was unable to conduct the study in this village because the women were extremely cruel to him, and that he needed help. Tabitha agreed to, but only on the condition that William go down on her a minimum of 5 times a day.

40. The Dandy Warhols
"Big Indian"  3:34
Thirteen Tales of Urban Bohemia
Portland, OR

Tabitha was able to gather dozens of volunteers to participate in the experiment. Soon, he was surrounded by dry vaginas, eagerly anticipating the magical substance that would qualify as vaginal lube. At first, the future was frightening because many of the initial tests were complete failures. Motor oil was not very effective. The grease gun seemed to cause major irritation with both the male and the female. Mayonnaise was relatively effective, looked like post-orgasm fluid anyway, but, it was mayonnaise and people simply could not get over that fact.

39. Quintron
"Peter Pan"  4:05
Unmasked Organ Light-Year of Infinity Man
Bitburg, Germany/New Orleans, LA U.S.

It was Denise who made the earliest discovery, a petroleum based substance she discovered. Although messy, she could smear the substance onto her pussy and it made it much easier to slide objects in and out. She eagerly anticipated her husband coming home. He arrived, she spread her legs on the couch, and had it lubed up with the petroleum based substance. Her husband stuck that little thing of his in there, expecting it to be all dry like usual, but it slid in there with ease. The initial feeling of this rocked his world, it was the greatest joy he had ever experienced. It immediately put him in a good mood, he turned the volume up, it made him want to scream and shout! He lost the desire to be a cannibal.

38. Summer Hymns
"New Underdressment" 7:26
Voice Brother and Sister
Athens, GA

The product worked wonders for Denise, but unfortunately her husband suffered an allergic reaction, and, sadly, passed away this morning. Denise saw this a blessing in disguise, for now she was able to achieve two tasks at once, make sex more enjoyable, and get rid of certain men altogether. She put on her most risque outfit, and headed over to social club. There was some guy there named Walker who Denise could not stand. She went over and talked, insisted they should not be arguing all the time, that it is better to love than hate. All the while, rubbing up against him.

37. The Hives
"Hate to Say I Told You So"  3:22
Veni Vidi Vicious
Fagersta, Sweden

Feel how wet my pussy is for you. He felt the lubed vagina, then could no longer resist temptation. Out back, he lifted up her dress and tapped that ass from behind in the standing position. This was a nice position because it felt good, and Denise did not need to look at him. It came out abruptly, and there he was lying on the ground, shaking violently with convulsions, foaming at the mouth. His head began to shake, and blood spilled from his eyes. Finally, he could no longer breath, and, sadly, passed away. Denise shrugged, pulled up her panties, and went on about her business.

36. Ghostface Killah
"Nutmeg"  4:25
Supreme Clientele
Staten Island, NY

In rapid succession, Denise went on a killing spree, fiercely disposing of all the guys who had done her wrong. Back behind a building, she had some guy pinned up against the building, humping him, kissing his neck, when suddenly he shook uncontrollably, eyes rolled back in his head, then slid down the wall- dead. She had some other guy down, on top of him, riding cowgirl, Denise was having an intense orgasm while the guy had blood squirting out of his ears... until sadly, he passed away. In another alley, she was fucking the shit out of some dude who ripped her off at a store, she humped hard, fast, and then his head exploded Scanners-style. After they would sadly pass away, Denise talked shit to them:
(while stomping the cadaver in the face) "See what I mean, see what I mean... you mother fucking cry baby!"


35. The New Pornographers
"Fake Headlines"  2:45
Mass Romantic
Vancouver, BC  Canada

News had spread there had been a series of killings in the city. People would search the city looking for the corpses because that was a great source of food back in the days before vaginal lube. But the police still had to track the killer, and were looking for clues. The one thing in common was all the bodies had a mysterious petroleum based lubricant on their penises, which apparently did not taste too good either because the cannibals had left them behind. In order to track the killer, they had to harass people on the streets, looking for the mysterious vaginal lube of black death.

34. Ryan Adams
"To Be Young (Is to Be Sad, Is to Be High)"  3:04
Heartbreaker
Jacksonville, NC/New York, NY

What did you do today?
"Oh, not much, just went down this office and had them rub a selection of products on my pussy to see how effectively it would lube it up- benefiting society."
The woman shook her head in disgust. You kids today, and your vaginal lube, (mocking unhappiness) boo hoo hoo, I don't have any vaginal lube. (stern) You don't know what suffering even is. You should have seen what the world was like before the invention of trash bags, now that was genuine suffering. Vaginal lube. Begone with you.

33. Comets on Fire
"Rimbaud Blues" 3:46
S/T
Santa Cruz, CA

The days before trash bags was never pretty, commonly referred to as The Dark Ages, primarily for that reason. Even in the earliest days, litter was everywhere, empty beer cans and cigarette butts piled up out in front of the caves people lived in. Garbage would just pile up in the streets, and in alleys. People would just throw all of their litter out in the woods, and that was considered proper disposal. Garbage bags saved the world from extinction, as did the invention of toilet paper. The dinosaurs never had toilet paper or garbage bags, and look what happened to them.

32. The Warlocks
"Song For Nico" 6:08
S/T EP
Los Angeles, CA

Throughout the course of history, the invention of toilet paper temporarily delayed the need for vaginal lube. Even though toilet paper had not yet been invented, women still displayed the same mannerisms with their vaginas as they do today. Due to reproduction that is natural in humans, women would frequently experience uncontrollable sexual urges. If that pussy was dry, the male was still expected to lube it up orally. And as we all know, women are prone to experience orgasm during the oral process, leading to intense grinding in the face, and massive clinching with the thighs. Before toilet paper, the smell of this process was excruciating beyond torture.

31. The Microphones
"The Pull" 4:54
It Was Hot, We Stayed in the Water
Anacortes, WA

Men would flee cities and drown themselves to avoid oral sex with a female- because she stunk like dirty hippy shit and occasionally the tongue would accidentally slip into that other fly infested hole. But after toilet paper was invented, it relieved the disgust affiliated with oral sex. Gradually, the population of humans began to multiply and they were gradually able to rule the land. Before that, they ranked #14 in relevance. The Chortomapus actually ranked #1. But, they never had any toilet paper, and could often be seen licking each other's asses, the way dogs do now. Eventually, The Chortomapus died off- diphtheria. Dogs today have a much shorter life span than humans. Just like dogs, humans that lick dirty asses everyday rarely live past the age of 14.

30. Acetone
"Bonds" 5:58
York Blvd.
Valencia, CA

In order to maintain the population of the village, and because it was rumored that God told all these mutha fuckas to go out and populate the Earth, the king required that couples engage in sexual activity in order to reproduce at a regular basis. LaTroy had been chosen this time to reproduce with Veronica. In a battle for his own rights, because he wanted nothing to do with the king or Veronica, LaTroy fled the kingdom and lived all alone out in the woods. This was the better life anyway, out here smoking herbs and discussing recent patterns in philosophies with the Chortomapusses.

29. Six By Seven
"One Easy Ship Away"  3:05
The Closer You Get
Nottingham, England

The king's men would stop at nothing in the hunt for LaTroy, and he was finally captured and brought back; forced to reproduce with Veronica. He took one look at the dried up pussy with particles of turd hanging from that ass, and he chose death before dishonor, stabbed himself with a sword, and, sadly, passed away. LaTroy was a major inspiration to many men, who would opt for suicide before having to go down on a random unlubed, ass not wiped, nasty woman just for the king. If that pussy couldn't get stimulated on it's own, than the male was committing suicide- that was the way of life before toilet paper.

28. Mojave 3
"Prayer for the Paranoid" 4:23
Excuses For Travellers
London, England

The human population was on the verge of extinction, emphasizing the stink in the middle of the word. Most of the world lived in a state of sorrow, as they could foresee the end of the world coming any moment now. The men of the world was hoping it would end soon, so they would not have to do down on another woman ever again. Men scattered throughout the world, living alone, smoking cigarettes, consuming large quantities of hard alcohol, there own britches smelling equally wretched as the female's they had been forced to lick. While so many gave up, some still clinched to hope- that a miracle would happen and save the world. They prayed, and pleaded with one another to not give up hope.

27. Billy Bragg & Wilco
"Airline to Heaven" 4:51
Mermaid Avenue II
Barking, England + Chicago, IL

Archie Hampton climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to avoid having to munch on Betty Anne's twat for reproductive fornication. There, he was visited by God. She came down and asked Archie what he was doing way up here on Mt. Sinai. Archie spoke honestly to the Lord, Betty Anne has a dry pussy and that asshole stinks. I don't want to have to go down on her, I'd rather die up here of loneliness and starvation. God, being the feminist that she is, took offense to Archie's remarks. She ordered him to go down on her, and that if he could bring her to orgasm, and withstand the wrath of a Godly orgasm, then he would be rewarded with a gift. Archie lifted up God's gown and began his fiasco of eating that vagina, which smelled a heck of a lot better than that rotten stench of a dirty crotch Betty Anne had.

26. The Waxwings
"It Comes in Waves" 8:50
Low to the Ground
Detroit, MI

After 40 days of intense licking, God finally had an orgasm that nearly squished Archie's head and left him permanently deaf for life. The cum that shot from her vagina caused The Great Flood, that purified the Earth. She was gone, but the rewards, as promised, were there. Archie came down from Mt. Sinai with the gifts that God had given him- a family sized pack of toilet paper and a book containing the guidelines for proper techniques when giving oral pleasure- something Archie obviously did not know shit about (page 1 declares: "This should take 10 minutes, not 40 days.") Unlike that other asshole, Archie did not drop these gifts, nor get mad and break them. Betty Anne wiped her ass, and Archie brought her to orgasm in 12 hours and 13 minutes- so assholes never learn. The world improved enough that soon in the future, vaginal lube was successfully invented by Denise, William, and Tabitha combined. With the invention of vaginal lube, people were no longer cannibals, but the world still sucked.



NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX SONGS OF 2000:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1




Top Image by: Destructiod
Bottom images by: Google of "Happy Women"

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