Chapter 1: Hennigan's Furniture Store
Chapter 2: Furniture Store Turf Wars
Chapter 3: Random Sofa on the Moon
Chapter 4: Life After the Riot
Chapter III: Random Sofa on the Moon
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
50. The Bevis Frond
"White Sun" 3:29
New River Head
Dan paid for the tow, got the car out of impound, but there was still some tension. "How the fuck did my car get all wet?" Angela bitched at Benny the whole way; Dan, the badass he is, kept quiet. Which was unfortunate—he he should have spoke because he made Benny sit in the backseat. Angela looked back at Benny, yelling at him, then slammed on her brakes and came to a screeching halt. "Who the fuck is this asshole?!" She pulled over, ordered everyone out, opened up her hatchback trunk, and dropped the dead mascot out on to the street. "Who the fuck is this? You shot him, you deal with him." She kicked all three of them out of her car, told Benny he better be home by 10 because they hadn't had sex in 3 days and he was not getting out of it tonight, then sped off— leaving Dan, bloody Benny, and a dead mascot giraffe on the side of the road.
49. Massive Attack
"Unfinished Sympathy" 5:08
Dan called some people, they were coming to pick them up. On the side of the road, they sat the dead mascot giraffe upright so it looked as if he were just sitting in-between them- the group of three on the curb, Dan, bloody Benny, and a dead giraffe mascot still looking happy. The person finally showed up, Dan and Benny got into the car. They just left the mascot sitting there. And, he sat for days, people just walked by him not saying a word, assumed he was drunk- homeless. The next day at work, Benny had to make up excuses how he had both a black eye and a hickey.
"Dead Pictures" 2:24
Dunedin, New Zealand
Angela's car was still wet, so she took Benny's piece of shit to work and made him have to walk. She even declared that if Benny's pile of crap broke down, that he was going to get the living hell beat out of him. It was a nice day for a walk; Benny was joined with Renaldo the cartoon alligator. Renaldo was happy, Benny suddenly thought of the images of the people Dan shot yesterday. It got intense, as if he could see them, but Renaldo smiled, said some cheerful things, and gobbled up the images...let out the cartoon laugh. Benny laughed too.
47. Died Pretty
For the first time in his life, Benny was awarded with a raise, and a position that required very little work. However, this was met with opposition from the rest of the crew. Shaw and Rex insisted to Dan that Benny was useless and needed to be let go. Alexis declared she was on the verge of killing Benny and his days of being alive were numbered. Dan quieted them all. Because of Angela, he could not off Benny. Rather, he wanted Benny to not want to leave, give him enough incentive to stay, that way all that he knows will remain a secret, that was the plan all along. Now was the time for Benny to live and be strong, sure there was some sketchiness, but this was the life- more money + less work.
46. Les Thugs
"Is It the Right Way" 4:59
Rosco gave Benny a ride home. It was a pleasant ride, for they celebrated Benny's promotion by passing around a bowl in the car for the ride home. For the ride home, they had some killer tunes, funny conversation, and Benny introduced Rosco to Renaldo. Rosco could not see Renaldo, but attempted to introduce Benny to Snedigar, a spider who made a web in Rosco's car. Benny could see Snedigar, Snedigar was real, and had some friends. Snedigar could see Renaldo, they got along great.
45. Kim Doo Soo
"The People in the Riverside Village" 5:14
Snedigar the spider developed a contact buzz. He crawled up to the corner of the rear window, perched on his web, and strummed an acoustic guitar. The group looked back and smiled pleasantly. As he strummed the guitar, he sang a song, soft and sweet, what a great voice. Renaldo had some pals that did some background vocals, and the vehicle became a haven of psychedelic imagery, two happy people, a smiling cartoon alligator, a singing spider, and a few other cartoon creatures.
44. A Tribe Called Quest
"Jazz (We've Got)" 4:10
The Low End Theory
New York, NY
Furniture store sales associates are not exactly known for throwing intense parties. This one was nothing but furniture sales associates, plus Rosco and Benny. It was but a gathering of co-workers for an after work get together, a few drinks. They all sat around in their work suits, talking about furniture sales, and Rosco got them all stoned. Most of them were not regular pot smokers, so they just sat around, chilled out, talking dryly about the furniture sales and customers- the way furniture sales people do when they are stoned.
43. Talk Talk
"After the Flood" 9:39
Kirkpatrick had never smoked before. He sat on the sofa in the home. In the midst of smoke, the sofa was carried off into the store. People walked by, stared at him, the sofa. He didn't know how much it cost, who made it. Furthermore, it dawned on him that most of these people were not interested in the furniture. Nor were they interested in his sales pitch. His life had become a sales pitch. Now, stoned, there was nobody to pitch it to. The sofa swallowed him into a pit, surrounded by blackness; he fell into nothing, with several articles of furniture floating around him. He sat in the $899 recliner, climbed back to the top. It was his turn for another hit.
42. The Legendary Pink Dots
"The Grain Kings" 8:18
The Maria Dimension
Rosco and Benny got pulled over on the way to dropping Benny off for having a cracked tail light. It turned out that Rosco also was driving on a suspended license, had marijuana in the car which smelled of pot, and had a pending warrant for an outstanding ticket. Furthermore, Rosco had a hit of acid he was going to take this weekend, a felony, the police took them to jail. Neither had ever been to jail. Benny was worried he would be linked to the dead giraffe, a series of shootouts, and even worse, Angela yelling at him. They were still stoned when they got thrown in the cell, wearing an orange jumpsuit.
41. Temple of the Dog
"Four Walled World" 6:55
They were put in a cell with 32 other hardened criminals, a couple murderers, a rapist, and them, just because the one hit of acid is so harmful it categorizes a person with an armed robber. Needless to say, the two did not exactly command a lot of respect in the cell. After a series of threats, Benny and Rosco sat in a corner, hoping somebody would come bail them out. It was dreadful enough. But, all of the other inmates complained about the food, maybe they were expecting gourmet catering. They all threw their dinner trays out and started a full-scale riot. With Benny and Rosco just watching, the other inmates burnt up the blankets, busted out the lights, knocked down the cement wall which covered the bathroom stalls, and threw bricks at the guards.
40. Big Audio Dynamite
"Innocent Child" 5:59
During the riots, Benny thought of Angela. Before, he was afraid to call her because he did not want her to yell at him, or hit him anymore. But, while fires were blazing, bricks being thrown, Benny realized that he was not an inmate. He would rather be at home with Angela than in here with a riot going on. It got worse after the riot squad came in, beat everybody down, slapped wire ties tightly on their wrists and the inmates had to clean up the entire cell, the courtyard, under S.W.A.T. team surveillance, which was worse than Shaw and Rex. For whatever reason, Benny thought about extensively about Angela for the first time ever, what she was like growing up, as a kid. Maybe he should pay more attention to her.
"What You Give" 7:15
There was a test. Because he was not a hardened criminal, they granted him a few phone calls. He called Dan, who threw a fit, and was concerned about what all the police knew and what he had told the police. Benny explained to Dan that everything was cool, Dan said he would come. He called Angela, who threw a fit, declared he was a loser, was going to get his ass beat, and he can sit and there rot for all she cares. Arnie griped, but acted concerned, said he was coming, a true friend. If Benny had a true friend in the world, anybody that cared about him, they would be here, and get him out of the cell. He couldn't call Renaldo. During a confrontation with a riot squad member who had shoved Benny to the ground, his name was called- he had been freed, all charges dropped. It was... Angela.
38. Band of Susans
The Word and The Flesh
New York, NY
Something about being in a jail riot changes the mentality of people. It might not be immediate, but it is something that is remembered forever. And, if one was never a hardened criminal to begin with, a riot in a jail cell falls under the category of something never to be involved in ever again. Over time, one will reflect on the events of the jail riot and wander how exactly they got there in the first place. Decisions will be questioned, alterations will be made, and the person involved in the riot may gradually experience an entire change in lifestyle, a whole new way of thinking altogether.
37. The Wedding Present
Alexis wore an extremely low cut shirt to work, her bra didn't fit, and if the timing was right, you could get a full shot and see the whole thing. She looked great. Benny walked by her office, and thought differently this time. First off, she was too concerned with forms for him to take her seriously. Furthermore, it wasn't her that bailed him out of the riot. It occurred to him that Angela would kick Alexis' ass if need be, and now he did not have to take her shit- the only person allowed to beat him up from here on out was Angela. And that shirt, it did not even turn him on anymore; he questioned why she had to wear such revealing clothing to take filling out forms so seriously.
Huge day! Levinson and Brothers released a new line of lamps today and they arrived at Hennigan's Furniture. The survey indicated that 99% of the participants found these to be in the top 5 nicest lamps in history. Except for Mrs. Felix, age 76, who claimed the lamp was a piece of shit. Dan chucked the lamp at her head, got her in the full-nelson and wrestled her out of the store. Put the lampshade over her head, set her by the curb where she was immediately struck by lightning; and now illuminates the living room of Peter and Edward Foster.
35. Звуки Му
"Пробковый Пояс" 5:13
She wrote her boyfriend a letter: Dear Jose, you're a piece of shit. But, I love you. I want to lick your balls, then chop them off, and put them in a meat grinder. And feed them to your fucking kids, you welfare bum. I love you so much, Judith. Jose was not fond of the message, and moved out, moved away, far away. He went by Hennigan's, applied for credit, got approved, bought a sofa, and moved to the moon. There he sat, on the moon, with his sofa. The mother fucker didn't make any of his payments. Hennigan's people went all the way to the moon to repo the sofa. Turns out, Jose had the cash in an envelope, claimed the post office never came to the moon.
34. Smashing Pumpkins
"Window Paine" 5:52
On average, 6-14 movies are released each year with some sort of reference about a space craft that landed on the moon. The reason for this is because several really have landed on the moon. Turns out, all they were really after was Jose's sofa. A spaceship landed, encouraged Jose about a pot of gold over there by the crater, just being friendly, he could have it. While he was out searching for the fictitious gold, a bunch more aliens dashed out of the spaceship and quickly stole Jose's sofa while he wasn't looking.
Jose's sofa was taken to the planet Chryslemanathor and into the apartment of Vxvvklertxlyn and Merle Ffkedbverkner. Because the homes on this planet were not exactly designed for the ease of moving a sofa into the living room, the sofa was a pain in the ass to get into the house. After several minutes of struggling to get it into the door, Merle decided they needed to flip it up long ways and try to scooch it in that way. They made several attempts to contort the piece of furniture and get it in several different directions. Tired of the struggle, and having to listen to Vxvvklertxlyn's constant nagging, Merle whipped out his laser gun and shot the sofa, putting a burn hole in the couch cushion.
"Good as it Gets" 5:05
Another survey indicated that 100% of all women would murder their husbands if provoked. When they were asked to list the top 3 reasons to justify murdering their husbands, #1 was cheating on her with her sister. #3 was jeopardizing the life of their children. Coming in at #2, meaning worse than threatening the children, was putting a burn hole in the couch cushion. Vxvvklertxlyn snatched the laser gun from Merle, blasted his stupid drunk ass, and a few hours later, Jose was again seated in the same sofa on the moon, just now with a burn hole in the couch cushion, and a dead Chryslemanathorian.
31. Field Mice
Alexis dumped her boyfriend, they were dating together for 4 days, living together the last 3. They went out to eat at Perkin's, he stayed over at her house, and the next day sold all of his furniture at a rummage sale, earning $71 (still owed $4,863 + interest) but he was in love. It just wasn't working out, she told him to pack his shit and move the fuck out. He didn't have any shit to pack; he sold it all for $71. Now he's in the store, shopping for furniture again. Alexis saw him in the office, wept. A couple sales reps came over strummed a song. While the loser was looking at furniture, making purchases, Alexis sang while she watched him from the cash office, then mysteriously popping up on various pieces of furniture in the showroom, walking right behind him. He could not see her though, because he was a fucking asshole.
30. The Ex + Tom Cora
"State of Shock" 6:06
Scrabbling at the Lock
Wormer, Netherlands + Yancey Mills, VA (1954)-France (1998)
A bulldozer demolished the lot across the street. The concrete crumbled and faded to dust. There came a loud rumbling, like an earthquake, it shook the whole furniture store, knocking over one of those new lamps that just came. Up from the ground rose Cook's Furniture. It forced its' way through the parking lot, loudly, destroying the parking lot. With careful precision, the front doors of Cook’s were aligned with the front door of Hennigan's. Both automatic doors opened at once, in from the black sea of death came Floyd the Chinese man in blue round sunglasses, Bertie Cook, an army of demons, and a woman with a 15% off coupon to purchase one of those new lamps.
29. Борис Гребенщиков/Аквариум
Русский альбом (Russian Album)
St. Petersburg, Russia
There was a row of $3299 king size beds at Bertie's. Each bed featured an elderly couple having sex atop of elegantly patterned comforters and bed shams. The aisle way separating the rows of beds transformed from hardwood floors to flowing water, the black sea of death. In from the back room rowed people floating on furniture, steering the vessels with poles, floating through the long row of old people fucking on king size mattresses. They rowed from the back store room, past the beds, and to the automatic doors that opened immediately entering Hennigan's.
28. Saint Etienne
"Stoned to Say the Least" 7:41
Fox Base Alpha
Shaw and Rex came from the stock room. Dan Hennigan faced them with his arms crossed. More gunmen entered from the stock room of Hennigan's. The lights dimmed, the music came on, and strobe lights began flashing underneath black lights. The sales people danced around the store room. Dan Hennigan looked Floyd right in the eyes, they stared each other down. After a bit of staring, Dan snapped his fingers, and danced to this song right in front of him. Floyd just watched. After Dan did his dance, stared down Floyd, Floyd then started busting the moves in front of Dan, while he watched. Sales people from both sides circled around them clapping. This kept up for the duration of the whole song. A group of aliens entered, joined in the dance off, challenged by Rex and Shaw.
27. Cul De Sac
"Death Kit Train" 6:52
The moment the Saint Etienne song ended, both sides circled around each other, fists up, ready now to fight instead of dance, a few moments of silence. Now playing: "Death Kit Train" by Cul De Sac, over the store's intercom. Not the type of violence one might expect from a square off between the two most feared furniture makers in the universe. It was a stylishly choreographed fight scene, dazzling moves, people flipping one another. The sailors from the black of death had poles they were steering with, now fighting with, spinning the poles, swinging them at the opponent, sometimes striking him/her down, sometimes the opponent would jump, flip over the pole, and kick one of the sailors, flying through the air, onto a nice mattress, springing into the air, swinging the pole at the next person.
26. Ali Farka Toure
Kanau, Mali (1939)-Niafunke, Mali (2006)
After all that shit, this song came on. Everybody looked confused about what to do next. This was not dance music, not fighting music. Rosco entered, told everybody it was an African guitar genius, packed a bowl he made out of one of the new lamps, passed it around. They lights remained dim, as all the people who were once fighting just sat on the beds, or on sofas, listening to the music. All agreed, this guy is a fabulous guitar player, and the vocal harmonies were excellent. They all looked around each other, shaking their heads in approval at one another. Some of the sales reps played air guitars, others just nodded along with the percussion. After the song, Dan offered them all their furniture back, but they said he could have it in exchange for a quarter ounce of Rosco's weed and a few Ali Farka Toure Cd's. They agreed, shook hands, smiled, and the happy sailors rode back to sea of black death where it is now known to be constantly still, the Cape of Good Luck.
Top Image by: Crossrd
Bottom Image by: Malina mix