Part 1: The Original Plan A
Part 2: The Re-evaluation
Part 3: Laundry Chute
Part 4: Desperate Measures
Part 5: Plan DD- Because Plans A-Z, AA-CC All Failed
Part 6: Plan DD- The Ultimate Miracle
Section V: Plan DD- Because Plans A-Z, AA-CC All Failed
Press play on the image below to hear this set of songs in the exact order.
50. The Cave Singers
"I Don't Mind" 3:45
As good as I am at getting myself into trouble; I am equally excellent at devising solutions. After being plagued with an array of traffic tickets, and being unemployed—no problem! I can remedy both of these with one move. Plan Y: Get a job at the Clerk of Courts. Not only is this a decent paying job with great benefits, it would also enable me to some slight tweaking in the computer and have all of my traffic tickets dismissed. Even better, I could have every traffic ticket I have ever received in my entire life completely removed, and save way more than a lousy 15% on car insurance. I drew up yet another fantastic resume, and headed to the Clerk of Courts office to pursue a new career.
49. Camera Obscura
"Careless Love" 4:35
My Maudlin Career
It did not take long to question this career move. While standing in line simply to obtain an application and submit my resume, I noticed the line was full of homeless drunks, District Managers, and some other various people from the unemployment office. In fact, working here might even be worse than the Gas Station. But then I decided to view it as if I was hired here by the temp agency, work here just long enough to ratify all my traffic violations. The lady working at the Clerk of Courts window was even meaner than the obnoxious hag from the temp job I recently worked for three days. Most of the patrons were removed from the premises via security. Once I got to the window, I simply inquired about any opening positions. Without hesitation, I too was removed from the premises via security. Apparently, this was a position in which you had to be related to somebody in order to be considered; the Clerk of Courts office had become a family owned operation. Rather than pout, or strongly develop a plan to pay off these traffic violations, I could not but fantasize about who would win in a fist fight between the Clerk of Courts lady and the woman from the job I held for three days. I knew the woman from the three day job could pack a vicious punch, but the lady from the Clerk of Courts required security. My money went on the woman from the 3 day job.
48. Manchester Orchestra
Mean Everything To Nothing
On the way home, I passed this office building again. I had never been in this place before and had no clue what the fuck went on in there. It was as good of a plan as any I suppose. Plan Z: Get a Job at This Fucking Place, Whatever the Hell That May Be. I walked into the place, and there wasn’t a single person in there. It was so dreadful inside of this place, it gave me the creeps. Right about the time I was plotting an escape, somebody dashed out from behind the back office. “Can I help you?” He was most unpleasant. Obviously, I was the only other person who had set foot in this place all year. I pretended not to be intimidated. “I’m looking for a job. And, I’ve always dreamed of working here.”
47. Lightning Bolt
"Sound Guardians" 4:52
He looked confused. “By the way,” I asked, “what the fuck do you do here anyway?”
“We develop strategies.”
“Get the fuck out of here,” was the only response I could generate. I asked a series of questions about what sort of strategies they actually develop. I asked who their clientele is. He told me how “they” (there was nobody else in sight) gather information from businesses and develop strategies based on those figures. One part of me thought: “You! You’re the District Manager!” And I wanted to wrap the telephone cord around his throat and beat him repeatedly with all of the blunt objects lying around the office. I pictured him down on the ground with me stomping his fucking teeth in, smashing his fucking face with the space heater underneath the desk, and lighting the whole office on fire. I would walk out amidst the blaze, smoke pouring from the windows, this fucking miserable ass strategy developing District Manager tied up in a closet while he fucking burned!
46. The Dø
"At Last!" 4:10
But then it dawned on me that I was the only person who had set foot in this place all year. This fucker doesn’t do anything. In fact, nobody pays him for shit. This stupid son of a bitch doesn’t even have a strategy. He hasn’t adopted any fucking plan, ever, and I have no clue how this miserable prick even obtained the office in the first place. Completely not satisfied with any of his answers, and because I was broke and couldn’t do shit else, I sat in my car and waited for this mother fucker to get off work. I was going to follow this son of a bitch home, and see just how a strategic planner lives. It was about an hour later when the prick left the building, He got in his car, and it was a piece of shit, although slightly nicer than mine. He pulled off, I followed. We were driving quite a distance; this sorry sack of shit lives quite a far distance to work in an office in which nobody visits. The whole trip, I wondered who the fuck ever did go in there besides me. We drove up a huge hill, and I thought, great, this son of a bitch lives in a mansion on top of a hill. But, I was wrong again. Once we got to the top of the hill, he just drove right off. Holy shit, I thought, he has a worse driving record than me now. Times were so bad, that the strategic planners had lost everything, and this one committed suicide. There just wasn’t a market for strategic planning these days.
"Tropical Disease" 6:47
I woke up in the morning feeling sorry for the strategic planner. It was just before he died that I was thinking about killing him myself. The times have gotten that bad? People are so distraught over financial woes that they are ending their own lives because it is the only alternative. Unfortunately, I too have been feeling a little demoralized. That very same thought has crossed my head. Here, this guy ended up just like me, and I wondered if he even had a driver’s license. The more I thought about the notion that I had just witnessed a suicide, and did nothing about it because I could relate, the more depressing I found the situation.
44. Karl Blau
"Nothing New" 5:02
The entire alphabet was complete, and I still had accomplished nothing. Ideally, Plan AA would involve some sort of criminal activity. Unfortunately, that was not going to happen. To begin, I do not even own a gun. Secondly, I am not intimidating, and would require the assistance of the Clerk of Courts lady to pull off a bank robbery. Third, believe it or not, I have too many morals to ever resort to theft. While I have committed such acts of atrocity such as giving some guy a handjob for a free Big Mac, and the whole porno movie, Laundry Chute, ordeal, the cheating on my girlfriend, I simply could never bring myself to steal or rob. In fact, I would rather die of starvation than resort to taking another person's hard earnings when they have full intentions on using it to better themselves. Hell, I cannot even bum change from strangers on the street.
43. Antony & The Johnsons
The Crying Light
New York, NY
As I thought of morals, I began to regret some of my decisions. It wasn’t the actual filming of the porno movie, Laundry Chute, that bothered me, it was the fact that I not only cheated on my girlfriend, 9 times, but videotaped it as well…and I’m sure she probably saw it. I thought about what it would be like if she had done a porno movie. Actually, that would be kind of hot. But, I thought about it from her perspective. That was a stupid thing I did. With my very last available text message, I texted her a sincere apology…I would have called, but I didn’t have any available minutes. I have no idea if she ever received this message, because, like I said, that was the end of my cell phone account and I did not have the money to gather a new one. Apologizing to her seemed more important than potential job offers at the time.
42. The Antlers
New York, NY
Things were getting that bad. All I did was walk around all day, looking for work. Unfortunately, I had run out of places to turn for answers. The only person capable of saving me, I had abandoned years ago, and I’m sure the whole ordeal of applying to become a Minister didn’t help matters. I had to think of something practical, something useful. Surely there was something that was not fazed by the crumbling economy and still had some use for a person like me. Unfortunately, it seemed I just kept getting rejected.
41. Reigning Sound
"The Bells" 2:29
Love & Curses
Once upon a time there were a list of jobs that I would not do, and this list was dwindling. No matter the circumstances, I would rather starve than have a job putting animals to sleep at a kill animal shelter. I would rather not work around toxic substances such as Nuclear Waste, asbestos, coleslaw, or sulfuric acid. Unfortunately, due to that infamous handjob, I was even blacklisted from working at McDonald’s- citing hand sanitation as the primary reason for disqualification. Apparently, the feud between McDonald’s and Burger King only exists in advertisements. The managers of Burger King, Wendy’s, and every other fast food restaurant knew of the handjob, and the porno film, Laundry Chute. One manager, however, claimed to have at least liked the porno video. I felt as if he owed me $13 for viewing the video, but it made me remember all the porn videos I had downloaded for free off the internet—what comes around goes around. But leaving the fast food restaurant, it hit me: straws! The straw industry is still thriving. But, one good cocaine bust, and the straw industry could go under. And who else? The companies who put “In”, “Out”, “Push”, and “Pull” signs on doors. There was hope yet.
40. David Gray
Draw the Line
Plan AA: The Ol’ In Out. I did refrain from referencing A Clockwork Orange on my resume, and resisted the temptation to mention that I am a huge fan of Gary Larson, and how Midvale School for the Gifted has made the industry flourish. But, what qualifications could an employer possibly be looking for in order to assign certain doors the value of “in” or “out.” I practiced my interview, why do want to work here. Because I like to make people happy! The #1 step, very first primary goal towards happiness in the customer service industry, is to ensure that the customer gets in out of the door without any hassle. Now, once they are inside, the odds they can get in and out of the store without doing anything stupid is slim, but, if I can assist with that ever-so-important first step, it’s a step in the right direction, and can improve morale and customer thought processes. And maybe, they just need signs like this all over the store, and then getting in and out of the cereal aisle would be as simple as getting in and out of the entranceway.
39. Jay Reatard
"I’m Watching You [Album Version]" 3:46
Watch Me Fall
Memphis, TN (1980-2010)
There was one major problem with Plan AA; I had no clue where to go apply for this position. I inquired every single store in the area about the signs on their doors, and none of them knew anything. I researched it on the internet, and still found nothing. In fact, the greatest mystery of all is not the origination of the universe, is not the concept of God, but rather, who in the fuck puts all these damn signs on all the doors. There were rumors that we were being watched by terrestrial beings from another planet, and they observed the human race struggle with the inability to get in and out of doors. And each week, a group of aliens come down from space, and strategically place signs on random doors that customers seem to struggle with; the strategic planner did not commit suicide after all. He was an alien and was simply returning home by driving his spacecraft off of a cliff.
38. Dirty Projectors
"No Intention" 4:17
If only I were an alien, I would not be in this mess. I was so downtrodden, that I felt extremely out of place in the whole entire universe. All of my money was gone. At this point, it was hopeless. I became so angry with the world as I walked down the streets. Each company I passed, I was 100% certain that I could do a majority of the work better than anybody else in that building—with a few exceptions of course. Lazy people had jobs. Stupid people were rich. People without any talent whatsoever had celebrity status. And me, I had nothing; which, according to Bob Dylan, also meant that I had nothing to lose. But, I was out of ideas, and my mind no longer had the ability to function properly.
"Psychic City" 5:09
See Mystery Lights
It wasn’t that long ago it seemed as if I had lots of friends. These days, I felt inferior to every person I encountered. To make matters worse, my car was almost out of gas, and I had no means to travel any place that would require relocation. But, I refused to appear down on myself, and I refused to resort to bumming money from strangers. Whenever I did see a friend, I acted as if everything was perfectly fine. I appeared upbeat and positive, even though that was nearly impossible at this point. No matter what happened, I still was going to enjoy my life and hang tough hoping all of my dreams would come true.
"Street Diction" 5:29
Unfortunately, food became an issue. I had no food at my house, and no money to buy any. Furthermore, I was getting hungry, and figuring out what to eat consumed much of my thoughts. It reached the point where pretty much any meal sounded gourmet to me. I walked down the street thinking about eating, what to eat, and it all sounded good. As a stack of pancakes sounded more and more like a luxury meal, the more I contemplated stealing something. Or, jacking some mother fucker who I used to despise and steal all of his money. My morals were gradually going out the window. I thought about if I could get a job dealing crack, prostitution, anything at this point.
35. Lady Magma
"All My Money" 3:03
New York, NY
I gave up. Plan BB: Become a Martyr for Capitalism. At any point, one of these places could have allowed me to work for them for minimum wage. But, that was deemed a terrible deed, impossible. Therefore, I went home, grabbed a notebook, an ink pen, and left again with no intentions on ever returning. I was going to walk the streets and basically starve myself to death. Shortly after I died, it would be determined that starvation was the cause of death, and people would question how this situation happened. The other thing that was long past overdue, people would question the ethics of capitalism. I was known in this town, once upon a time loved, and considered a good worker. I had a good family, friends, a college degree, and nobody would have guessed that I would die from starvation because I could no longer afford to buy food.
Rainwater Cassette Exchange
In my notebook, I was going to illustrate all of the graphic details depicting starvation. This was what I was going to leave behind for the world; I would be found dead, with a notebook, outlining all the elements of starvation. The beginning phases consisted of thinking about nothing but eating food. There were pains in the stomach, followed by sheer weakness making it difficult to even move. I felt faint, and could do nothing but sit down, and when I did walk, it was basically a wobble where I had to hold onto to things in order to stay upright. Finally, I got sick and vomited black vile, it was as if my body finally began to consume itself, my own organs, but had an allergic reaction. In the midst of the night, I finally collapsed.
33. Super Furry Animals
Dark Days/Light Years
Somebody woke me up. Of all people to find me collapsed from malnourishment, it had to be my ex-girlfriend. She was angry, ordered me to wake up. “I’m pregnant.” I was still in a state where I was nearing death, so therefore not thinking rationally, “congratulations!” I told her as I tried to go back to sleep and die. As she was sitting next to me, talking about how pathetic of a loser I was, she picked up my notebook and flipped through the pages reading the details of how I was killing myself on purpose. “What the fuck are you doing!?!” There was not one of sympathy in this tone. “No. Fuck this shit! You’re going to die as a result of me strangling you, not starvation. I’ll kill you off later, but right now, we have to talk about this.”
32. Sonic Youth
New York, NY
She left, and brought me back some water and a small portion of food. Holy shit, it tasted good. I still felt sick, but she brought me back to her house, and did not say much until I was nursed back to health. Then, heaven happened! My ex-girlfriend took me to Cracker Barrel. You have no idea how great Cracker Barrel is when you are nearly starved to death. In the midst of all of this, she felt as if I were an unfit father. Furthermore, she still hated me and had full intentions on murdering me within the next month or two. There was no way in hell she was having this baby. And, because I was such a loser, because I cheated on her, because it was all my fault, because if I had at least one redeeming quality she might actually have the child, I was the one who had to pay for the abortion. I had to either come up with the money myself, or else she was going to my family for the money, and even sue me for the procedure costs and other assorted damages. Suddenly, those traffic tickets did not seem like that big of an issue. To make matters even worse, she declared that I also owed her an additional $11 for the Cracker Barrel meal.
31. Dinosaur Jr.
"See You" 5:48
They say the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. What that means: people do have some resemblance to their immediate family members, and even many of their personality traits. I, on the other hand, must have been born in a windstorm, because the apple fell worlds away from the tree. My family is nothing like me, meaning they are good people. The people in my family do not support abortion whatsoever, and the fate would be worse than death if they found out about all the circumstances leading to this one. And because of that notion that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, is a major reason why she wouldn’t just have the baby and put it up for adoption: the fear the child would be too many of my similarities.
30. Volcano Choir
"Island, IS" 4:12
It was wrong, but I had several reasons for justification. I knew the Strategic Planner had either committed suicide or was from outer space. Nobody would be going into that building anytime soon, and it was doubtful anybody even knew what it entailed. Late at night, I snuck out and broke into the Strategic Planner’s office. I raided all of his desk drawers, the closets, everything I could find. In the bottom of the of the bottom desk drawer, in a yellow envelope, there was exactly enough cash to pay for the abortion, the $11 I owed her, money for a pack of cigarettes, and enough cash to buy some groceries until I get some more steady cash flowing in. He was dead, gone, and I was his last human contact. If I didn’t take the money, it was going to be forfeited to the government to plan a war. Granted, it would appear that I am not using the money for the best of purposes either.
29. Alela Diane
"To Be Still" 5:27
To Be Still
Nevada City, CA/Portland, OR
She could not afford a child, nor could I. Furthermore, jobs were too difficult to come by in this economy; there was no way she could ever leave her position to go on maternity leave. Furthermore again, this is these days…the position she has doesn’t even offer maternity leave, nor health insurance, and there is no way she could ever afford any of the child’s doctor’s bills. The baby was more than likely conceived back when I had a job, and it was foreseeable that I was going to better myself in the near future. I never got the opportunity to be a martyr for capitalism, but as I was driving to the abortion clinic in a vehicle that barely ran (and stalled out on the way there) I viewed this aborted child as the martyr for capitalism.
28. Yo La Tengo
"The Fireside" 11:25
Once we reached the abortion clinic, we were greeted by mindless imbeciles, District Managers, the sheer stupidity who had easy lives and decent employment despite not being brilliant, innovative, or anything remotely resembling genius… who had nothing better to do with their lives but meddle in other people’s affairs and protest abortion as if it had any sincere value to their own lives. These derelicts had the nerve to chastise my ex-girlfriend as if she were an unholy criminal due to the fact she was having an abortion. She had done nothing wrong to deserve any of this; it was me who was the piece of shit.
A person yelled over a megaphone: “Abortion kills children!” My ex was escorted inside the building by security, and I calmly approached this person and responded, “so does intervening in other people’s affairs.” He took a nasty tone, and asked how intervening in other people’s affairs in any way shape or form kills innocent children. I told him to research any given war the United States had participated in, smiled, it’s the heroes who kill the most children.
I lit my cigarette, and blew smoke in his face, and calmly asked: “Quick quiz for you: what is my name?” He did not know.
“Of course you don’t know, you’re too stupid to do any significant research on anything.”
I proceeded to tell him that I did not support abortion either. But, what was even worse, was the fact that people like us were technically not permitted to have children, or ever have our own family. I discussed with this clown the state of the current job market, and all of the aspects that more than likely lead to it. I spoke of corporate greed, I spoke of lack of health insurance, lack of benefits, lack of pay, lack of time to ever raise a fucking child in this economy, more lacks once the baby is born, and the growing fear that the child just might end up like him. Child conception is no longer a miracle, fuck, there are 7 billion of them as we speak. Population control comes from God. And, it’s not like it’s that fucking hard to conceive another one. If he would like, someday she would have a child, but he would have to get off his lazy fucking ass, and go protest something useful…such as insurance, the companies who pay too low, or the greedy miserable fucks who represent 2% of the population but control 90% of the income, and hire dumbfuck District Managers like himself to ensure anybody who thinks differently outside of this pathetic system of government and economics fails miserable.
“She may have a child someday, but I’m not, because I fucking hate you! I hate your fucking church! I hate your fucking government! I hate everything you stand for, I hate this entire fucking world. This place is so miserable, that if I had friends from another planet, I would be ashamed to even invite them here. It might not be that bad, in fact, I wish more people would have abortions and get rid of half these mother fuckers... and I wish your parents would have aborted you.”
27. Fuck Buttons
Worst of all, I hated myself. I don’t care if people hate me, most people do. But, it’s her. She doesn’t deserve to be hated; she claims she doesn’t care about those losers, and has a strong enough stance that she will be unfazed by the stupid ones who protest.
They called her name, and in she went to take care of the martyr for capitalism.
I had to sit in the waiting room for a long time until the procedure was over. With a last ounce of hope, I devised Plan CC: Work at the Abortion Clinic. I utilized the time to discuss tasks I could perform, cleaning up the procedure rooms, talking kindly to customers, pepper spraying the losers out front. She was a sweet woman; we shared a lot of laughs together. But, in the end, Plan CC would have to be put on hold as well.
I took my ex home and she declared that she never wanted to see me again; and that the only time she would ever see me was when she dropped by in a couple months to kill me off once and for all—she still had some tweaking to do with the murder plans. I felt sad for her as she got out of the car. The only thing I could visualize was me holding up a trophy claiming the prize: World’s Biggest Loser!
26. Wooden Shjips
San Francisco, CA
Finally came Plan DD. We had learned a lot from this period of being unemployed. The main thing we figured out was that I was a loser who had never accomplished anything. We learned that I think that I am so special, and the rest of the world is a piece of shit. That I blamed everybody else in this world for the current condition we find ourselves in, and worst of all, I blamed myself.
Sorry, reader, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Murphy. You see, allegedly there is a law named after me…Murphy’s Law. This implies that anything that can happen, will happen. Reflecting on my life, this had been the truth. No matter what I do, worst case scenario usually plays itself out.
We’ve also learned the notion as to what comes around goes around. I watch free porn on the internet; people watched my porn video, Laundry Chute, for free. Being named Murphy, I should have realized this long ago.
But, what’s a job anyway. Some bullshit you gotta do in order to keep a roof over your head? Some bullshit people endure just to put food on the table? How many people actually like their jobs? I know I’ve never liked any of my jobs, and perhaps that is why my head is so fucked up now (well, that and the fact I have been through so many worst case scenarios). As of right now, I am damaged beyond repair. There is no way I am ever going to fit in with the think INSIDE the box mentality of the District Manager. Having a job just means that I am going to be hated by an unimpressive ass that I was supposed to kiss. And hell, who am I to say they are all wrong and I’m right? I don’t have any of the answers.
However, my name is Murphy. And there is a law named after me. And, because of my name, certain aspects of life will certainly hold itself true. But, there is also a flip side to this. Wasn’t it coincidental that the money for the abortion just happened to show up? A coincidence that it was my ex who saved me from starvation. A coincidence that money would pop up right in the nick of time that I needed it most? A coincidence that I spoke to a Minister?
What I needed to now was to translate this negative energy into positive energy. That Murphy’s Law, anything that can happen, could also be anything good that could possibly happen, will happen. What comes around, goes around. That, should I commit myself to doing good for people, eventually good things will happen to me. And since I refused to allow myself to accept handouts from strangers, I am not going to even expect anything in return…ever, just the basic essentials that already have shown up right when I needed them the most and I haven’t been thankful enough to even notice.
I did receive that injury settlement. I could have purchased a new car, but I decided to get a new life instead. With the money, I did not purchase one single thing, banked it, and only spent money on rent and food as needed. Or, for my new business…
I had spent my whole life pursuing affairs that were not meant to be; I had spent my whole life trying to be something that I am not. Plan DD: What Comes Around Goes Around. For Plan DD, I turned my life over to the powers that be, the Cosmos, God, whatever that may be...that power we have no control over whatsoever. I accepted the small essentials that kept me alive, and rather than go to work, I set out to help those in dire need. I'll never get rich, but it beats being a total loser.
Top Image by: 00elen
Bottom Image by: Kotaku