Chapter 1: The Most Famous Restaurant in the Galaxy
Chapter 2: Worst Case Scenario; A Party Gone Awry
Chapter 3: Merle's First Day on the Job
Chapter 4: Vultures and Empty Saviours
Chapter III: Merle's First Day on the Job
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
50. The Flaming Lips
"Talkin' Bout the Smiling Deathporn Immortality Blues (Everyone Wants to Live Forever)" 3:49
Hit to Death in the Future Head
Oklahoma City, OK
"Yo- listen up niggaz!!!" Merle was prepared to make a huge announcement to all of his friends and family attending the celebrations... "I got a job!!!!!" The crowd cheered, it was indeed a special day, and this was worth celebrating. "Yo homie," Claude said with a happy smile, "what'ch you gonna be doing?" Merle answered, "I'm gonna be driving around... in the company vehicle (this was met with "ooohs and aaahhhs" from the audience)... scooping up dead animals off the road."
49. Distorted Pony
Los Angeles, CA
Inside the office of the RCC (Roadkill Clean-up Committee) was a fast paced hectic environment. Merle arrived for his first day on the job at 3:00 AM, just as he was scheduled. There were several other groups already there, and the bustle was in full swing this early in the morning. This was to be a busy day, as team members were assigned specific areas, given clipboards, photographs of dead rodents, and various other urgent sets of orders. Everybody was moving as quickly as possible, some even running through the warehouse area. The foreman specified the urgency of this mission, particularly today, a good job needed to be done.
48. Beat Happening
"Tiger Trap" 6:53
You Turn Me On
The foreman, Greg Landes, called Merle back into his office- he needed to fill out his introductory employee paperwork- tax information and all of that. While filling out the forms, Merle looked around observing Greg's office. Apparently the company had won numerous awards, Outstanding Customer Service, Friendliest Roadkill Removal Crew 7 years straight. There was a photo of Greg Landes standing beside a man in an elegant suit, they were holding up a trophy, in Greg's other hand, a dead skunk; both men were smiling. Greg's office was a mess. There were various notes, photos of dead animals, and the extra shovel behind his seat. Greg entered, smoking a cigarette, urged Merle to be a bit quicker..."you guys need to get going, you have a deer."
47. Tom Waits
"Black Wings" 4:38
Merle was assigned to ride with Socko High, once considered the baddest mother fucker in North Dakota. Socko had done time in the state penitentiary for manslaughter. He was sentenced to 15 years, but ended up serving 19 due to some infractions within the prison. Needless to say, Socko High is not affiliated with the term "good behavior"; Socko was on parole, reporting probation for life. He constantly had an intense look on his face, his hands were rough, his arms lean, his tattoos were of piss poor quality and generic. Rumor had it, the tattoo artist who inked his forearms was the victim in which Socko was finally sentenced. Socko was voted least likely to ever wear eyeliner, and kindness to him meant not killing you. "You ever done this shit before?" His voice was raspy, and the tone was as nasty as the fur and bloodstains scattered on the vehicle's floorboard. "No," Merle was honest. "Well, you can't fuck up in this business!"
Love of Life
New York, NY
Socko analyzed the clipboard, slowed down, and turned on the brights. He was searching. "OK, there it is." Up ahead, there was a dead possum in the middle of the road. Socko stopped the vehicle and turned on the flashers. Both got out of the vehicle. "OK," Socko explained, "this is the first one on our orders. The shovels, right here. And, there's gloves right here...you always want to wear gloves. Now, what you do, is you take the shovel, and get it wedged underneath the thing. Sometimes you'll have it where one of their legs is sticking up, or sometimes, they will already be stiff. I'll show ya' what to do when its' stiff. The worse is when it has been smashed in, mother fuckers keep running the damn thing over and it's almost impossible to scrape up. This one's still pretty fresh."
45. Royal Trux
"Lightning Boxer" 5:58
Untitled (3rd LP)
Socko maneuvered the shovel underneath the dead possum, and with a quick slide, had the possum scooped onto the shovel. He hoisted the dead animal off of the ground, and while carefully instructing the Merle, tossed the dead possum into the back of the truck. "Now, when you've got it out of the road, you have to fill out this paperwork. You have to check off whether or not it was flattened, estimate how long it had been dead. You have to estimate the weight, that is important...that thing weighed about 10 pounds I guess. You ain't got to put it on a scale, just guesstimate. Then, you have to check it off, and sign it. Later, I'll show you what to do if we get to one and its gone already. The completed papers go here, and it’s important to keep organized. The last thing you want is to go down the same road twice, looking around for a dead pigeon you scooped up earlier in the day- its just a waste of time."
44. Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
"Hummingbird in a Cube of Ice" 4:05
Mother of All Saints
San Francisco, CA
Socko pulled over on the next block where a dead bird was lying on the side of the road- upside down, legs up in the air. "Birds are easy, and don't ever waste too much time on a bird. If the thing ain't smashed, then you don't even need a shovel. You just put on the gloves, pick the thing up, and toss it into the back. Just make sure you fill out the paperwork. For the weight, most birds are light, so just enter one pound. And brush the feathers off the gloves before getting back in the truck."
New York, NY
"You got any questions?" Merle thought as if he should ask a question, "yeah, where do we take them all?" Socko responded: "OK, I can tell right now that you and me ain't gonna get along. The problem with you is that you ask too many questions. If we're going to get along, and do this shit together, you gotta stop asking so many fucking questions! What the fuck do you care where this shit's going? Ain't none of your damn business. What? You trying to set the world on fire with this shit? You trying to be Mr. Roadkill Cleanup Man? No. The proper response should always be... no. I ain't got no fucking questions."
42. The Nation of Ulysses!
"50,000 Watts of Goodwill" 4:05
Plays Pretty For Baby
Delvin was driving down the road and spotted a dead deer on the side of the road- he was not the one who struck it with his vehicle. However, he grew excited, pulled over his vehicle, and approached the dead deer with a set of shears. Delvin walked over to the dead deer, jabbed the shears into the side of his neck, and proceeded to cut off the deer's head- it was a 12 point buck. Blood spilled onto the road, all over Delvin's clothes, as he struggled to finally get the head completely detached. Holding up the head by its’ antlers, he opened his trunk and carefully stored the dead deer's dismembered head into his trunk. The deer had done nothing to deserve this.
"Psalm 69" 5:30
Delvin drove to the local taxidermy office, carrying the deer's head inside the building, then proceeded to boast about how he shot a good one, and the struggle that ensued. The taxidermist was impressed, he had always dreamed of doing taxidermy. For a fee of $500, in which Delvin gladly paid on credit, the head of the deer was preserved and mounted elegantly onto a wooden frame that now hangs in Delvin's living room. This was duly noted at The Grand Scheme of Things Board Meeting, the film clip of Delvin cutting off the deer's head was reviewed carefully, and Delvin is disregarded as a complete piece of shit throughout the rest of the universe. When time comes to review the worst thing he had ever done, followed with the appropriate punishment, he will see this clip, and suffer a severe lightning strike.
40. The Disposable Heroes of Hyphoprisy
"Television, The Drug of the Nation" 6:39
Hypocrisy is the Greatest Luxury
San Francisco, CA
Meanwhile, the latest television program to be broadcast this evening was the results of the election. As it turned out, the politicians with the most support from corporate sponsorship, the oil industry, banks, church, & TV had won; the people who voted for them had no clue what they even stood for, just thought they presented themselves well on television, and the commentators and commercials claimed this candidate was ideal, was looking out for you, was concerned with your money (meaning: his money).
"Christmas Song" 8:34
Shot Forth Self Living
Los Angeles, CA
They said it was the deer that had become overpopulated. They said on TV that it was the marijuana that was causing the disturbance, and more tax dollars were needed to put an end to it. They spoke of the importance of our economy (meaning: their economy) and all this assistance was going to be implemented to help Wall Street. Finally feeling they had had enough, the people took to protest, and finally declared war on Wall Street and that one businessman in which there are 487,000 replicate clones. The TV insisted this was not good for America, immediately took the side of Wall Street- the goal: save Wall Street from evil.
The biggest task assigned to Merle & Socko was the removal of a deer. Greg radioed their vehicle and urged them to, "get your asses down there fast!" A scene was beginning to take precedent, and this was now an emergency. All of the other orders on the clipboard, including the gopher who had been neglected for two weeks now due to an erroneous misplacement of the paperwork and was starting to decompose...all that had to wait. There was something serious taking place with this deer, orders from an unknown source, no matter, just get there now! Socko floored the gas pedal, and legally raced across the highway at a speed of 143 mph.
Merle and Socko pulled over to the deer they had been assigned. When they arrived to the scene of the crime, there were also two police cars, a fire truck, and a tow truck. The police were the ones who had called the RCC, the road was blocked and traffic was potentially being slowed down. The head of the deer had been removed. Surprisingly, the police knew Socko—both from working scenes like this and from the parole office and they were friendly towards each other. "Some sick bastard," Officer Watkins informed Socko, "came in and took his head. I'd like to see somebody take that bastard's head and have it stuffed."
36. Paul Weller
"Above the Clouds" 4:13
Removal of a deer is sometimes painstaking enough because they can weigh several hundred pounds- dead weight. But, when the head had been chopped off by some degenerate loser, it makes the process much more difficult because blood spills profusely from the neck. The group examined the deer planning on how they were going to lift it into the truck. Although this was routine work for these individuals, there was a degree of sadness for the grotesque outcome the deer had to endure. No person ever mentioned it, but a moment of silence was held in observance for the deer; coupled with extreme disgust for the person responsible for chopping off the head.
35. The Afghan Whigs
"Let Me Lie to You" 4:36
Wanda was the doe who was the daughter of the 12 point buck who had been struck by the vehicle, then had his head mercilessly removed. There had been some danger lurking in the woods, and the family of deer had to escape hastily. The father deer ensured the safety of the others first, but by the time he had to flee, it was too late. Seeing her father getting struck by the car was painful enough, but having to observe some other maniac enter the picture and remove his head made her cry. The Grand Scheme of Things Board Committee has scheduled Delvin to hear the thoughts of Wanda while he was removing his head in a dream two weeks from now. It will also play a huge factor in discounting the human race as a complete failure.
34. Paul Westerberg
"Waiting For Somebody" 3:28
Music montage: Most of the time was spent cruising around in the company vehicle searching for roadkill. It was still dark outside, and many of the streets were deserted. Socko would flip through the paperwork, driving down the streets, searching for a dead animal on the side of the road. Sometimes, the paperwork would have the wrong address, and the crew would have to search extra hard. There's one...a skunk. Drive around. There's one... a rabbit. Drive around. There's one...Timmy (the car had avoided Lassie). Drive around. There's one...a crow. Drive around. There's one...a chicken.
33. Yo La Tengo
"Some Kinda Fatigue" 4:34
May I Sing With Me
And so she asked me, why? Why, Jim? Why Jim do you feel the way that you do? Why is it, Jim, that have these opinions? And I looked at her and replied, "Nigger please, my name ain't Jim! Who the fuck's Jim? Bitch, get the fuck out of here. Jim. I don't even know anybody named Jim. And this bitch is talking some bullshit about some nigger named Jim. Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
32. Soul Asylum
"Runaway Train" 4:27
Grave Dancers Union
There were so many people living in this community, that they decided it was necessary to build new houses in areas that were once peaceful sanctuaries for wildlife refuge. However, which each sector of suburban sprawl, each new subdivision of houses that look exactly same- to be occupied by people who all act exactly like alike and support the life on Wall Street, each one meant that there was overpopulation of deer and other animals. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, raccoons, and other animals found themselves displaced in nature. Their happy homes destroyed, and they were left a little out of touch with no place to roam. The humans who destroyed their homes even set traps to insist they do not enter this land ever again. The governor signed that ever so important bill to increase hunting. These animals were forced to live their lives on the run, being stalked by Wall Street supporters, as they searched for a new home in this world.
31. 4 Non-Blondes
"Dear Mr. President" 4:43
Bigger, Better, Faster, More
San Francisco, CA
At The Grand Scheme of Things Board Meeting, the counselors of the universe decided it was not the deer that was overpopulated. Rather, it was the humans that was so overpopulated and seemed to be the primary cause of the most of the problems. The deer never dropped a missile from the sky. Unlike the television set, The Grand Scheme of Things Board Committee did not support Wall Street, viewed that as a source of the problem. When speaking of overpopulation, it was the 437,000 businessman replicas there seemed to be too many of. With careful precision, the committee gathered all of the displaced deer from the suburban sprawl debacle, enlarged them to 7 foot tall and indestructible, and placed them all, thousands of them, on Wall Street to show the humans what a real occupation was all about. The deer, the giant raccoons, the giant squirrels held the day of rage, and within an hour, Wall Street was demolished. The Grand Scheme of Things Board Committee scratched that item off their list, and moved to the next task.
30. Julian Cope
"The Mystery Trend" 4:18
I don't recall that ever happening. I do remember a lot of things, trivial things, things you would not think would matter. I recall a lot childhood memories, I remember going to the store with my mom, the store had a concession stand that served frozen slushy drinks- I wanted one in the cup of a baseball team. I recall times I spent by myself. Sometimes, I feel as if I can remember everything; although sometimes I feel my memory is distorted...sometimes I do not recall what I even looked like then. However, I do not remember that ever happening. And, you make it sound as if it were important.
Merle & Socko finally approached the gopher that had been erroneously neglected for two weeks. The body had begun to decompose and the smell was atrocious. Socko felt as if he needed to break-in the new guy, and let Merle do this all by himself. As Merle was attempting to gather the dead gopher onto the shovel- a car passing by honked the horn and stopped. "Hey Merle! What's up brother!" It was Lloyd & Christina, two of Merle's closest friends. "Hey! Not much, just doing the work thing." Merle approached the vehicle still holding the shovel with the foul smelling dead rotting gopher corpse on it while he chatted with his friends in the car. They asked about his work, he theirs, and they made plans to go out later on and have a couple drinks.
"Symphony of Destruction" 4:07
Countdown to Extinction
Los Angeles, CA
This possum was still fresh, Greg had just radioed in the order and Socko & Merle were in the area. Upon stopping, getting out, gathering the shovels and gloves, an enormous crow landed and stood by the possum, pecking at it. Socko attempted to shoo the crow away with the shovel, but the crow stood its ground. Soon, more crows entered the picture, showing no fear whatsoever to Socko and Merle. Being the hardened criminal he is, Socko declared war. However, Ichibod, leader of the crows, had an equal reputation in the crow community. Ichibod organized an attack coupled with a defense strategy to prevent the humans from confiscating their dinner privileges. Socko swung the shovel at the group of crows, who gracefully avoided the swing, and a pack of crows attacked him from behind.
Finally, Socko and Merle retreated and left the possum. "Ok," explained Socko calmly, "that happens from time-to-time, and when it does, you put an X in the top corner of the paperwork, and write in crows- that lets them know that we were not able to retrieve the animal."
27. The Jesus & Mary Chain
East Kilbride, Scotland
Socko and Merle pulled into the McDonald's, parked around back. It was morning now, and the sun was shining. "Finally," Merle said, "breakfast—I am fucking starving." Socko gave him a dirty look, "we ain't eating here." Merle was confused, "dude, but I'm hungry, what the fuck are we doing here then?"
"This is where we drop everything off."
26. Current 93
"Hitler as Kalki" 16:28
Thunder Perfect Mind
I went out on a date with Pamela, she was a friend of a friend of a friend, possibly a cousin. It was a blind date, I had never seen her. Something told me that she might have been neurotic. She spoke with passion, intensity, as she related the one story that defined her- the most important event that ever took place in her life.
"I was driving down the road," Pamela did not smile, this was serious, "I'm just minding my own business. I remember, I did not like the song that was playing, and pushed to skip the track. When I looked up, there was this gigantic rabbit coming after me. This rabbit was enormous, it was coming from the other side of the road, crossed over the lane, and this thing was so big, that it could barely hop. I looked right at it, wondering what in the hell it was doing. It kept coming and coming, I figured it saw me. I tried to slow down, I hit the brakes, but the car would not slow down. The car would not slow down! I tell you. The humongous rabbit ran into me- I felt the thud, and I felt it bounce underneath my car.
There was nothing I could, Jim, nothing, I tried. Jim, have you ever seen or read the book Watership Down?"
"Jim, this gigantic fucking rabbit was one of those rabbits from Owsla. This was an evil rabbit, that had done much harm to the rabbit community. This rabbit, this gigantic fucking rabbit, was going to destroy a pack of other rabbits, Jim, rabbits trying to be free. And that's why I could not stop. It was as if he were being chased by The Black Rabbit of Death, Jim. Don't you see Jim, he was being chased (she grabbed my arm with force, stared into my eyes, and spoke with fury- a demonic voice as if she were suddenly possessed, even spitting in my face)...he was being chased by The Black Rabbit of Death. And I was the one assigned to accomplish this mission. Do you get it Jim? It is I Jim, I am The Black Rabbit of Death!"
"My name isn't Jim."
She stared at me coldly, "then get the fuck out of here!"
Top Image by: Amazing Top 10
Bottom Image by: Chiller TV