Part 1: Previews of Coming Attractions
Part 2: Muff Stench Hysteria
Part 3: Doctor Visits Shrink
Part 4: Sausage Controversy
Part 5: Customer Appreciation Party
Part 6: Zubar's Curse
Part 7: The Gynecologist's Bad Acid Trip
Part VI: Zubar's Curse
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Dr. Pritchard’s Vacation: London… for one full day. He boarded a plane, went to a Sumo (a band he assumed would be Japanese) concert at a small venue, and hung out with some new friends afterwards. However, he was plagued with periodic strange hallucinatory effects that he was unsure of the cause and they appeared randomly without warning. Nonetheless, one fun night in London was a fabulous vacation. His new friends found it amusing that an American gynecologist was "tripping on acid", which everybody was convinced had happened.
49. Bird Nest Roys
Auckland, New Zealand
Once he returned home, the "acid" only intensified. The effects were always temporary and never lasted longer than two or three minutes. However, there was no way to predict when the next one would happen. Dr. Pritchard had mixed feelings regarding this, and therefore did not deem it a serious condition. They were sometimes extremely intense and the timing was not always ideal. On the other hand, it was basically a free high that sometimes provided marvelous effects. Unfortunately, he nearly panicked while shopping at the mall and all the customers inside Hallmark appeared to be drowning in quicksand.
48. Guided By Voices
"Adverse Wind" 2:09
ORSON WELLES NARRATION: (VO) “Usage of LSD may cause intense laughter for what seems like nothing at all. It is fine laughing out loud about nothing at home, but mall shoppers may think you are insane. As a gynecologist, this effect can be dangerous.”
"Spandex Enormity" 5:28
U.S.A. For M.O.D.
New York, NY
Jezebel was considered to dress ridiculously. She made her own clothes with random non-matching patterns from materials she gathered from the dumpster at Jo-Ann Fabrics. The overweight, oddly dressed freak entered the exam room for her gynecology appointment wearing an orange dress highlighted with bright yellow flowers; the flowers had smiley faces. Her panties were also this exact same pattern… she wore brown socks. Dr. Pritchard carefully examined her muff when all of sudden her muff turned orange and also held this exact pattern. A bright yellow flower with a smiley face sprouted from her muff hole and explained to Dr. Pritchard all of the possible symptoms regarding Jezebel’s muff. Dr. Pritchard offered his feedback to the flower that had sprouted out of her muff and retorted with several other possibilities. Jezebel questioned Dr. Pritchard who he was talking to; she found it utterly disturbing that he was conversing with her muff.
46. Big Black
"Bad Penny" 2:33
Songs About Fucking
Stephanie entered the office claiming that she was late on her period and discussed options for either having the child or terminating the pregnancy. After a prolonged discussion, she mysteriously disappeared. The conversation never happened, it was but an illusion, but it seemed so real. So real, that Dr. Pritchard was unaware that it was just an illusion. He wasn't sure if he blacked out and she just got up and left. How did the conversation end? He pondered this for a long while; even after it he searched the waiting room for her.
"Heaviness of the Load" 3:06
Gluey Porch Treatments
All of the patients transformed into something dangerously evil. There was a huge party of 13, all old women, simply hanging out in the reception area discussing current affairs. They were frequent visitors and did this regularly (Dr. Pritchard’s clinic bore some similarities to a barber shop). Dr. Pritchard became suspicious of their behavior as if he had never been aware of this. He asked them a set of mysterious diabolical questions in which they could not answer. After they failed to answer the absurd questions he asked them, he told another group of regular patients that they were a group of terrorists plotting to destroy the clinic; he asked other patients to keep an eye on them. Patients found this peculiar, for they knew these ladies and knew they were innocent of such accusations—they assumed he was only kidding.
DR. PRITCHARD: "Don't eat it! It's been poisoned. Don't drink the coffee either."
44. Echo & The Bunnymen
"Lips Like Sugar" 4:53
Mrs. Watson was in the process of having her muff examined. Everything was completely normal until her muff transformed into the image of a face. It was a blur at first, but the face soon looked positively realistic and spoke to Dr. Pritchard.
MRS WATSON’S MUFF: "You know Dr. Pritchard, I got lips like sugar. Why don’t you pucker your lips and enjoy one of these sugar kisses."
43. Yo La Tengo
"It's All Right (The Way That You Live)" 4:10
New Wave Hot Dogs
Stephanie entered for her actual appointment and was positively in the room this time. However, she was extremely confused by the questions Dr. Pritchard kept asking her, and repeatedly assured him that she definitely was not pregnant. Dr. Pritchard insisted on conducting a pregnancy test anyway… she wasn't pregnant.
42. Aztec Camera
"Killermont Street" 3:17
East Kilbride, Scotland
In reality, Dr. Pritchard walked around for several hours appearing as if he were pretending to be steering a car, smiling, talking about nothing. According to Dr. Pritchard, it was a nice evening and he went for a nice drive, rolled around town, and saw many of his friends, waved to the neighbors in their yard, and even stopped at the Gilbert's for a couple hours. Fortunately, the Henderson's, who do not even know Dr. Pritchard, were out of town and never discovered the fact that a strange gynecologist sat on their porch discussing senseless topics with a hallucinatory illusion of the Gilbert family.
41. Crystalized Movements
"Death Rats/Overture" 6:27
The receptionist finally demanded that Dr. Pritchard see a doctor. And, so he did. He went into the doctor's office and discussed his problems with the doctor. However, this too was an illusion. The office he entered was his own, and the supposed doctor was Mrs. Sanderson who was propped up on the exam table with her muff spread. Dr. Pritchard didn't even look at it, and simply kept on discussing his personal problems and symptoms he was experiencing to Mrs. Sanderson.
40. Sad Lovers and Giants
"Ours to Kill" 4:44
The Mirror Test
Meanwhile, the bush tribe was in a state of despair due to the fact that Zubar their spiritual idol had been stolen by an American gynecologist. They conducted a dance ritual around the fire, speaking in bush tribe dialect, seeking advice from the Gods as to have Zubar returned to their possession. Zubar still held powers from afar, and they hoped that Zubar would instill the miracle that could ultimately return the statue back to its rightful owners. The visions within the smoked informed the tribes’ people that they would have to travel outside the commune and seek assistance from the evils of civilization. It would be dangerous, but it was their only hope for survival.
"Die Grünen" 2:44
Tink of SE (State Champs)
The tribe prayed together, united and walked...Zubar would guide them. They traveled many miles and finally arrived to a town. It was awkward at first, as they had never seen anybody outside their own community. Finally, they encountered a a woman named Nancy who could speak their language. She regretfully informed them that the idol was in a place called America, and to retrieve it, they would have to travel across the great Ocean by means of a flying craft called an airplane.
"Addressee Unknown" 3:45
"Bone of Contention"
New York, NY
Nancy's tribe, the Dooshuckits, has had numerous encounters with white people and learned many of their disturbing behavior patterns. She warned the Yakowoowoos, of the evil deeds they committed, and shared her knowledge of this place called America—their Zubar was a device called a television and their spiritual guidance came in the form of money. Furthermore, The Dooshuckit’s king, Grunu, had an altercation with a gorilla poaching white man. Grunu was assigned to protect the sacred gorilla, and therefore shot the white man with a poisonous dart, stripped him of his valuables, and the tribe cooked him over a fire and ate him.
NANCY: "de kus weklt gfkdw click thew vde eotld toe."
37. The Chills
Dunedin, New Zealand
As a token of kindness, and since The Dooshuckits had no use for any of this bullshit anyway, Nancy gave the Yakowoowoos all the belongings they had stolen from the nasty tasting gorilla poaching white man, which included currency in the sum of $8000 USD. She spoke of an airport, the plane, and directions. The Yakowoowoos thanked Nancy, and performed their deep meditation ritual as to where to find Zubar. From the fires, the great Zubar appeared, and displayed his whereabouts, and the exact location of the white man who stole him. By the graces of the almighty miracles that had been instilled upon them, the Yakowoowoos knew exactly how to locate this strange foreign land of horrible tasting creatures.
In Gut's House
New York, NY
The idol of Zubar had been cursed, and therefore the hallucinatory effects did not remain pleasant. As the curse began to induce nightmarish illusions, the doctor was experiencing the irritation associated with mental insanity. They did remain temporary and without warning, which made things appear normal for brief periods. MRS. CARTER persistently complained that the razor bumps on her freshly shaved muff had caused severe skin irritation.
MRS. CARTER: “Bill just going to have to deal with me having a bush, because I can’t deal with this bullshit. Not today. No. Look at muff! Just look at! All this red patches make it look I have acne or something. A bush looks better than this. Hell, the son-of-a-bitch doesn’t never go down on me no how.”
Dr. Pritchard finally lost his patience due to the effects of Zubar.
DR. PRITCHARD: (angrily) "Jesus! Just throw a bag of frozen peas on there and that'll cure it."
35. Faster Pussycat
"Shooting You Down" 3:49
Los Angeles, CA
The patients were not making life any easier. Lisa worked at a department store and spotted Dr. Pritchard there shopping for presents... he already hated shopping for Aunt Suzy.
While browsing the “useless shit” department, he began experiencing the harmful effects. People browsing this useless shit transformed into horrific demons and chased after him. Dr. Pritchard hastily ran away in a state of panic and raced up the escalator, shoving other shoppers out of the way. The demons cornered him; the world shifted, and he was suddenly in a household full of demons. They strapped him to a chair and demonstrated all of the functions for the items he had deemed useless, but in a diabolical manner. They removed the lid off of a whicker basket and a man emerged with duct tape covering his mouth. After he had been exposed, they proceeded to decorate him with various items they had purchased from this department.
When the spell finally wore off, Lisa was standing in front of him requesting that he enter the fitting room with her so he could examine a problem she was having with her muff… offered a 40% store discount for his services.
34. Pussy Galore
"Biker Rock Loser" 1:40
Dr. Pritchard experienced love at first sight. Their eyes locked, and he was certain that this was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He courageously approached her and they embarked on a romantic excursion back to her place. She quickly led him to her bedroom and they made love all night long.
However, it too was but a hallucination.
When Dr. Pritchard returned to normal, they were in the act of making love, and this was officially Dr. Pritchard's first experience with homosexuality. Dr. Pritchard became nauseous when he realized that they were in missionary position; Dr. Pritchard's bare legs were propped up on Leonard's shoulders.
"Trimdon Grange Explosion" 6:48
The Mekons Honky Tonkin'
Porgy entered the clinic and she too was a demon. The 64 year old patient lifted up her skirt, raised her leg, and fire roared from her muff. Porgy slayed all the rest of the patients and the waiting area became inferno. Porgy stalked the clinic, shooting fire from her muff, destroying everything in sight. Dr. Pritchard locked the office door and hid underneath his desk. Porgy pounded on the door; Dr. Pritchard heard the fire blowing from her muff and the agonizing screams from the patients in the waiting room smoldering in the flames.
Finally, he courageously opened the door and charged after Porgy with intentions to destroy this fire breathing muff. Unfortunately, there was no stopping this demon—beating it repeatedly with a broom proved hopeless. Dr. Pritchard screamed in fear (similar to that of a woman in a horror movie) and raced out of the clinic.
The patients followed him outside and wondered what caused this disturbance. It was odd viewing Dr. Pritchard hiding underneath a car for no reason. These effects finally wore off, but the curse revealed the real Porgy… she was at home on her couch finishing a crossword puzzle; the clinic was fine.
"Bop 'Til You Drop" 2:12
Halfway to Sanity
New York, NY
Dr. Pritchard raced around town in a state of frenzy. People attempted to stop him and ask atypical questions about their muffs or other weird frequently discussed topics.
Robert: (stopping DR. PRITCHARD who was obviously in no condition to talk) Hey! Dr. Pritchard. I got this really super duper swell idea a month calendar. We can call it “Muff of the Month” and it’ll a show a different happy muff for each month of the year. And best yet, it’ll advertise your clinic. Insurance companies adopt this ploy all of the time.”
"Nights Before" 5:10
The psychiatrist suddenly appeared in Dr. Pritchard’s living room with his clipboard.
DR. FLOBATO: (Sternly to Dr. Pritchard) "Delusions, Dr. Pritchard. Dr. Pritchard, you have become so delusional that you are unable to separate delusional transcripts fabricated within your mind from reality." (The psychiatrist stared coldly at Dr. Pritchard.) "Look at my muff, Dr. Pritchard." (The shrink removed his slacks and revealed Dr. Pritchard his muff) "Take a good long look at it, Dr. Pritchard, and tell me the first thing comes to your mind."
30. The Sun City Girls
Horse Cock Phepner
Dr. Pritchard tried desperately to appear normal; he maintained a constant deviant grin that he assumed might conceal the fact that he was sweating profusely. He laughed loudly and suspiciously whenever anybody questioned if there was anything wrong. The answers were growing increasingly hesitant due to a nearing constant state of delusion. Mysterious objects such as flying toasters constantly appeared to attack him. His behavior was becoming completely bizarre as he would repeatedly flinch, duck, or talk to an imaginary objects; only to offer an even more bizarre explanation to his odd series of actions.
People found him disturbingly peculiar. The scenery around him had become completely altered surrounded with puzzling hallucinations; such as DR. FLOBATO riding down the hill in the back of shopping cart with a stern face, the street resembling a bowling alley with clones of JEZEBEL in her orange dress for bowling pins—glowing bowling balls rolling by but going nowhere; PORGY raised her leg and shot flames out of her muff… JEZEBEL still smiled while she perished in the flames. Margaret kept asking for his assistance to zip a gorilla suit.
29. Гражданская Оборона
"Жёлтая Пресса" 2:18
The voices ordered Dr. Pritchard to initiate hostile action. He stopped at transgender surgery lab and gathered a bucket of dismembered penises.
Armed with the bucket of penises, he aggressively approached the abortion clinic and confronted the protesters. Dr. Pritchard merely stared at them; they stared back—it was a showdown in the middle of the street.
ABORTION PROTESTER: "What's your problem bucko?"
28. The Godz
"Criminal Mind (Rock and Roll Heart)" 4:25
Late in the night, Dr. Pritchard broke into the clinic of a board member who attempted to degrade his philosophies. Dr. Pritchard was equipped with several photos of random muffs and an assortment of picture frames. He framed each of the muff photos and hung them on the wall; then created a banner that read: "Our Happy Customers!” It looked similar to the wall of photos often incorporated by restaurants that enshrine famous people who have eaten at that establishment. After he completed the elegant wall of fame, Dr. Pritchard decorated the exam rooms with creepy looking mannequins lying in uncomfortable positions on the exam cots. Lastly, he erected a display case with a sign that read “FREE VIDEOS” and filled the racks with the latest pornographic videos from the bestiality category.
27. The Bevis Frond
"Once More" 7:30
DR. TRESSLEMAN had been monitoring the entire process. Dr. Pritchard’s suffering gave him sadistic relief as he foiled his arch nemesis; t his plot was working even better than he hoped. He plotted to make matters even worse by employing impostors to enter Dr. Pritchard's clinic with unreasonable claims and allegations.
IMPOSTOR: “What kind of a doctor are you? I need a little more sensitivity regarding the drainage seeping from my vagina. I will be contacting the Better Business Burea on this matter.”
DR. TRESSLEMAN even paid a person to state they were actually from the Better Business Bureau. Knowing that type of insanity could not last much longer, DR. TRESSLEMAN took full advantage of Dr. Pritchard’s deteriorating mental condition. This would finally be the end of Dr. Pritchard and the practice of gynecology could finally be restored. Dr. Pritchard could only sit on the sidewalk, shielding his eyes from the invasion of wookies coming from Outer Space. Mrs. Youngblood stood behind him with Chewbacca.
26. Dead C.
"Max Harris 2" 13:36
Dunedin, New Zealand
Dr. Pritchard was losing control of reality. Finally, he collapsed in his own waiting room. Fortunately, his patients were devoted and they knew something was terribly wrong.
However, DR. TRESSLEMAN had sent impostors and they were threatening to close the clinic. Tension was escalating, and the patients took it upon themselves to distract the impostors threatening a lawsuit. DR. TRESSLEMAN sat in his truck in the parking lot, laughing at the madness he had caused.
Top Image by: Flickr
Bottom Image by: Mucawana Tribe Girls