Part 1: Proper Etiquette Goes Both Ways
Part 2: Life Outside the Store
Part 3: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Part 4: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Part 5: Love Affairs With Customers
Part 6: Gettin' Mutha Fuck'n Crazy at Pier 1 Imports
Part 7: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Part 8: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Part VII: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Press play on the image below to listen to the songs while you read.
"My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" 3:59
New York, NY
It is possible for a person to become too popular with customers, and this becomes a predicament. Customers will grow to expect too much from these people. Or, customers will grow to adore this person, too many customers will frequent the establishment and talk too long to one employee. The customers start bickering over who gets to speak with him/her, or give too many pieces of advice. Soon, the stalkers begin piling up, and the employee can not go anywhere without being recognized by customers.
49. New Order
"All Day Long" 5:13
Customers will begin to show up at the employee's house. Customers will expect this employee to hang with them at social events. Other people have heard of this person through other customers. Customers have taken over this employees life. Then, customers will inquire as to whether or not that employee did some of the things they had suggested, like did you listen to this band, see this movie, go here, research how to cure Aunt Barbara's genital warts?
Back to the Old School
New York, NY
Sometimes, certain customers will get jealous if a different customer enters the store and flirts with this employee. Female customers are prone to cause a scene, get loud, say things like: "who the fuck was that!" The employee may not even know the lady causing the scene, nor has any interest in the woman who just flirted with him. Male customers tend to sulk, cry, or commit suicide. Some of them will cock block and interfere with the conversation with the new customer.
"Holland (Latent)" 4:41
Holidays in Europe
Some people will hold a grudge on an establsihment for life; declare they will never do business here ever again, and even go to the extent of flipping the building the middle finger whenever they drive by. But then, some of them immediately dislike a person who works for this company, even if they took the position 11 years after the incident, and the employee involved in the argument was fired because he had wronged the customer. Compatibility tests sometimes are 96% compatible; yet they hate each other.
46. Georgia Satellites
"Keep Your Hands to Yourself" 3:27
Intoxicated customers are prone to harass the employees, especially when flocking like sheep in large groups. Many will rudely flirt (sexually harass) the employees they have to speak with. Sometimes it may be complimenting because they state "I love this person"; most men find it flattering, period, even if it is a fat drunk prostitue. Drunk male customers have a fine line they are not permitted to cross when harassing female employees; but they do, shit like grope the waitress, tell the lady at Jo Ann Fabrics she has a nice ass while she is cutting material- 12.4% of the customers at Jo Ann Fabrics are intoxicated men.
45. Skeleton Crew
"Dead Sheep" 3:23
The Country of Blinds
Formed in Switzerland, Supergroup of 3 Americans
Drunk people sometimes have a difficult time grasping the fact that most places do not carry everything and their needs unfulfilled. They will enter a grocery store and interrogate the cashier (who does not do any ordering) as to why they do not carry Pier 1 Imports furniture products...and insist they should, that its smart business, they will make..... HAHAHA look at Francine! (this had been a serious issue, but now that Francine is in aisle 9 putting a toy squirt gun up her vagina, the customer has completely forgotten how the store could make so much money by wisely selling Pier 1 Imports furniture products.)
44. Camper Van Beethoven
"The History of Utah" 2:53
Some places, part of the job description is having to deal with nut cases- such as bars, late night diners, Jo Ann Fabrics, church, the entire city of Asheville. For the employees of these establishments, average people have completely lost their shock value. Very little astounds these people anymore, for they have seen so much craziness, that now, they are able to completely ignore people who think they are outrageous; and have even befriended people who may be considered degenerates in "normal" places.
43. They Might Be Giants
"Hide Away Folk Family" 3:21
Boston, MA/New York, NY
Other establishments very rarely have to deal with drunken schizophrenics. However, occasionally one of these nut jobs will enter the business and disrupt the flow of things. The employees and the other customers will talk about this person as if it were the craziest thing they had ever seen- like when that drunken idiot went into JC Penny, tried on some risque lacey lingerie, and came out of the dressing room to look at himself in a different mirror- posing, turning around to see how his hairy ass looks.
Some customers get completely overjoyed by the smallest things. People will jump up and down and dance in an aisle if they notice the item they were hoping to purchase is on sale for a good value. Restaurant patrons will do cart-wheels across the dining room if they notice an item on the menu they had been craving. People will become so enthused they may even faint if their order comes to an even amount, even if it is an odd number ($38.00-even); if the total comes to $6.66 this causes an uproar too.
41. Tommy Jay
"Lust, Honor, and Love" 4:23
Tom's Tall Tales of Trauma
Some services require the customer to sit in a waiting area while the services are being performed- such as auto repair. While seated in the waiting area, the customer may get into a deep conversation with another employee of the business, most often the cashier. Things could be going great, and the two have even exchanged phone numbers agreed to meet someplace they have in common- a cake decorating class at Jo Ann Fabrics represents 43% of these meetings. All of this can change drastically once the customer sees the bill or the procedure was done improperly or something damaged. 29% of the time, the customer and cashier remain friends and go to the cake decorating class; 39% end in fights in the parking lot.
"AA UU" 3:03
São Paulo, Brazil
Some employees immediately like a customer, and even fall in love with them. However, they are sales associates of products that customers do not purchase right away, and they have to give them brochures and deomonstrations of the product. Unfortunately, the customer has no interest in the product whatsoever, and leaves- the associate seemed nice though. That associate will spend the rest of the day hoping they come back, or call, or show up at the house with a bouquet of flowers.
"Bez Końca" 3:21
The methods in which companies advertise may ruin the lives of the employees. Customers will enter and sing the stupid jingle to the employees- as if they had never heard it, as if they were the ones who wrote it, as if they would be even remotely impressed and not completely annoyed. People will try to disassociate themselves from the commercials of the business, and will instantly hate any person who mentions it. These employees know disliking this person is totally acceptable, because if they were even slightly compatible in any other regard, this customer would know he/she is being an idiot by referencing the commercial.
"Peace Sells" 4:04
Peace Sells...But Who's Buying?
Los Angeles, CA
Employees develop pet peeves that customers frequently do that drive them insane. Certain aspects become so annoying that even seeing another person do it serves an automatic deal breaker- the customer is written off and dismissed as an imbecile. Some of these employees will post singles ads on the internet, and list off traits that the ideal suitor must NOT possess- normally consisting of annoying traits that customers do. They may regard coupon abuse the same way others view alcoholism. Rated the #1 most annoying thing customers do is ask about the merchandise of another store, sometimes a similar store. For example, a customer may enter Walgreen's looking for a product, Walgreen's does not carry the product; the customer will ask some random employee if CVS has the product. The employee wishes to answer: "how the fuck am I supposed to know? Do you think that after working here for 8 hours, that when my shift ends, I go walking around CVS just to see what they have, in comparison to what this store carries?"
Customers will act surprised too if the employee doesn't know. With me at my job, it is cheese curds. We do not sell fried cheese curds. They will ask me if I know who does. I say I do not. Then, they exclaim: "how can you not know where to get fried cheese curds!"
How can I? That is a personal question that does not pertain to my job. I get paid to work at one place, do whatever needs be done at that one place, and when I am off work, I am free to do whatever I please. Shopping around for fried cheese curds is not my idea of recreational entertainment. And quite personally, I hate cheese curds. Here's the deal: you don't have to try cheese curds, they are nothing special; and, you definitely do not have go into a state of panic if fresh cheese curds are unavailable and the world isn't going to come to a dire end if you and your family don't have cheese curds...cheese curds are but a mildly edible tourist novelty, not an elegant food.
I would also like to add: (I had to come back, hit edit post, because yesterday, this happened yet again, but to a different employee.) These people asked her if they sold cheese curds at the airport. The airport is way on the other side of town, to begin with. Then, that is assuming this employee would be a frequent flyer at the Milwaukee airport, and before embarking on her plane she wanders around the airport monitoring what all is sold there. Furthermore, this mother fucker was just at the airport. I would've replied, "weren't you just there? You should know this answer- not me."
37. Skinny Puppy
Mind: The Perpetual Intercourse
Vancouver, BC Canada
Many businesses degrade their employees by requiring them to have to repeat the same line over and over to every single customer; such as "any items of the month" or explanations about bonus card benefits. The employees only do this because they have to, and do not give the slightest shit if any of these things are actually purchased- most would rather not have to do this task. It is worst when customers antogonize the repeated sentence, or, when they scold the employee for not offering the products or explanation.
36. Наутилус Помпилиус (Nautilus Pompilius)
"Шар цвета хаки" 2:58
It is possible for an employee to see thousands of people in a short shift, and not converse with a single one of them. These employees include ticket takers at the movies, ushers at baseball games, and most employees at Pick 'n Save. People rarely inquire about the personal lives of stadium ushes, and thousands simply see them as that old guy standing over there with the flashlight.
"Forbidden Reality" 5:32
The Upcoming Terror
Some people do develop hardcore serious crushes on ushers at the baseball game and tell all their friends how they hope to hook up this weekend with the usher from the baseball game. Ushers periodically become lustful objects of desire. Parents encourage their children to marry someone with prestige, like a doctor, lawyer, an usher, a fruit stand owner. Upon hearing that a person went to a baseball game, and got the phone number of the usher, they are the envy of all their friends. Ushers are so fucking badass!
34. Tall Dwarfs
"The Big Dive" 3:06
Throw a Sickie
Dunedin, New Zealand
One position has been created with the sole intention of greeting and obtaining information from the customer- this position is called a receptionist. These employees have to sit at a desk all day and inform customers to have a seat and wait until whoever they need to see is available. Some customers do not have a seat, and stand around by the desk talking to the receptionist about personal issues. Receptionist Judy, started dating an usher, who did not like strange men talking to Judy, and thus would cock block, and escort the customer to his seat in the waiting area- this is his area of expertise.
33. Big Black
In the daytime, some places get overrun with old people, and some establishments have decided to strictly cater to old people. Once old people become the dominating clientele of a demographic, that marks the beginning of the end for that business. Old people will dictate primary aspects of a business such as music volume, handicapped accessibility, and overall design of the store. Unfortunately, these are not long-term customers and one good flu epedimic could wipe out the entire clientele. It's often best advised to periodically spray the entrance ways with old people repellent at least once a month in order to avoid infestation; make certain to spray around the cracks and in all the corners as well.
32. Happy Flowers
"Daddy Melted" 3:44
Now We Are Six
Hospice centers are but one organization that has been overrun with elderly people, but one of the few that has enjoyed success- unlike Bill Knapp's. At the Hospice Center, the customers are going to die any moment now, and that's actually why they are there. Employees really do not need to get to know the customers, and a lot of them only mumble utter non-sense just before expiring. Dealing with sad family members though can be heartbreaking. As we have discussed, some people are stupid, and some people expect some businesses to do everything; and thus will bring Granny into Pier 1 Imports, set her in a whicker chair, and leave her to die there thinking they offer Hospice services as well.
31. Died Pretty
"Just Skin" 6:34
As for funeral homes, the bulk of their customers are already dead. However, there are numerous other personnel that they have to deal with, even though they may not be the primary customer. To begin, many of these places have to go out in a van or a hearse to retrieve the dead body from Hospice, Pier 1 Imports, or wherever it was the person died. The employees at these establishments, as well as family members of the deceased are secondary customers. All involved have common traits that the other will find irritating- just like being a cashier.
30. Nanci Griffith
"Banks of the Ponchartrain" 3:46
The Last of the True Believers
Seguin, TX/Nashville, TN
Just like the server at Denny's, crowds of people will gather around and stare at the employee who has to pick up a dead person. Many will inquire to ask what happened. The funeral home employee will respond, and then ask the initial inquirers if they would like to purchase any items of the month. They ask other questions, deal breakers some of them. Many times, they have to deal with the police, sign papers, in Milwaukee, they are subject to get a parking ticket while loading the deceased person onto the cot.
"Human Pony Girl" 4:59
While carrying the dead woman out of Pier 1 Imports, they accidentally dropped her as they tripped over a whicker basket- the employees sat there eating cookies, complaining, suggesting they have to pay for that potpourri dish now. The cashier at Pier 1 Imports had a sex dream about the guy carrying the dead woman out of the store...the baseball usher had had a sex dream about the deceased 37 years ago while she was a scantily dressed Jo Ann Fabrics manager.
28. Prince and the Revolution
There are those at the funeral home who only have to deal with the deceased. It is there job to strip off all the clothes of the dead person, and spread them out butt naked on a table. Then, they have to make the corpse beautiful for the funeral. This is their customer, and they have no choice whatsoever to delve into their personal history, as the employee is all alone with the customer, naked (sometimes both parties get naked), as the employee treats the dead customer the same way a hair stylist treats his/her customer. Same conversations even.
As with all occupations, customers sometimes resemble certain people in the employee's ordinary social life. For the person whose job it is to beautify nude corpses for funerals, they may go out on the town and see people who remind them of the customer. Like a strip club, for example, Dynamite DD Debbie might have the same style of nipples as Mrs. Smith who died last Thursday. This can make dating difficult.
26. Van Morrison
"Tir Na Nog" 7:18
No Guru, No Method, No Teacher
The job can also be emotionally sentimental. In came the usher at the baseball game, who passed away of old age shortly after his shift ended. After looking into his past history, this was a good man; a man who touched the lives of many, was always considerate, and once upon a time was that cool customer who everybody adored. The funeral home cosmetician wept, and made certain that only the best work be done on this great man- so his friends and family shall always remember him the way he deserves.
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