NC17 Top 25 Traxxx of 2002

The Top 200 Songs of 2002 + Making the Best of Bad Situations
Part 1: Petty Concerns
Part 2: Once Disgusted, Take Control
Part 3: Break-ups
Part 4: Go...Far... Believe in Yourself
Part 5: PBHD: Post Break-up Hope Disorder
Part 6: Various Causes and Effects of Fond Memories
Part 7: Unnatural States of Disillusionment
Part 8: The Beast

Part VIII: The Beast

Press play to hear all of these songs in order.

25. Cornershop
"Heavy Soup" 3:23
Handcream For a Generation
All the way from Central London

To this day nobody knows why, but just out of the blue, Agnes arose from the sewing circle and exclaimed: "Fuck it niggaz, let's party!" And so ensued, a record breaking crowd that jump started a whole new revelation!

24. Imperial Teen
"Ivanka" 3:16
San Francisco, CA

At a rapid pace with vigorous aspiration, all feats were conquered, all obstacles obliterated, every daredevil mission accomplished.

23. Division of Laura Lee
"The Truth is Fucked" 3:38
Black City
Goteborg, Sweden

In that rare moment where extreme joy was felt during a time of turmoil, the group gathered together at the bar, slamming beers, jamming to tunes...the group turned restless as the streets grew violent with disobedience.

22. Six By Seven
"All My New Best Friends" 4:18
The Way I Feel Today
Nottingham, England

The shit Kathy complained about was minuscule compared to the adversity Robert was endeavoring. Having to listen to Kathy's bullshit simply added to the large list of Robert's issues. In fact, Kathy is often cited as the primary reason Robert became a serial killer.

21. Wilco
"Pot Kettle Black" 4:01
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
Chicago, IL

On a lighter note, we just found out Aunt Cindy has leukemia. Now we don't have to go to Kentucky. Yay!  How can you call that a lighter note? Get in the car! NOW! We're all going to Kentucky.

20. Queens of the Stone Age
"You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar..." 3:12
Songs For the Deaf
Palm Desert, CA

Heidi, a college student at UWM, decided to continue walking slowly across the intersection long after the signal indicated "don't walk" while gabbing on her cell phone. Chuck counted to three, then plowed her ass down. A few other homeboys got mowed down as well.

19. Cool Kids of Death
"Piosenki o Milosci" 2:55
Lodz, Poland

After wiping out a slew of pedestrians he found "douchy", Chuck insisted the university security vehicle was both out of jurisdiction and equally douchy. What ensued was a high speed pursuit that ended with 7 Milwaukee squad cars and the entire staff of the UWM security team floating in Lake Michigan. The water was deemed unsafe for swimming that day.

18. Ikara Colt
"One Night" 2:19
Chat and Business
London, England

The crowd went raging out of control, it was unlike anything security had ever seen. Then, security joined in, and lost their minds as well. The band played on. In the background, Becca texted Christy: "OMG! This is sooo much fun!" She wished she had been doing this forever.

17. Mallory
"The Way After" 6:00
The First One Hundred Years
Cincinnati, Ohio

16. Mclusky
"Alan is a Cowboy Killer" 4:10
Mclusky Do Dallas
Caerdydd, Wales

Although Herman was a stout Republican, he was an adamant pro-choice advocate based entirely on the notion that all the kids in his neighborhood were useless, ugly, stupid, smelled, annoying, obnoxious, and the little brats were probably on welfare.

15. Sightings
"I Feel Like a Porsche" 8:49
Michigan Haters
New York, NY

Staci thought she was attracted to the bad boy type. She went for broke and landed a date with the most rebellious boy she ever met. Things got too extreme, her whole belief system got complicated, the movie was hard to understand, and when this song came on, Staci jumped out of the vehicle and smashed her head on a mailbox. The bad boy type didn't even stop to check on her. She was fucking annoying.

14. Yo La Tengo
"Nuclear War (Version 2)" 7:41
Nuclear War
Hoboken, NJ

Every night at 2:35 AM, drunk off his ass, Bert would stop at Taco Bell and eat that shit they sold there. 287 straight days of this shit, Bert noticed drastic changes in facial features and behavioral mannerisms. Day 288, he had a 3rd ear. Day 289, he didn't have any ears at all. Day 290, he was a werewolf, but did not have the urge to go out and kill people- unlike those hillbilly werewolves you see in the movies. Day 291, still a werewolf, Bert felt as if it was absolutely necessary to dress up as Santa Clause and deliver Christmas presents to children- it was July, 13th. Day 292, somebody shot Bert, and sadly, he passed away. The chick at the drive-up window from Taco Bell showed up at his funeral, crying...put a book of Taco Bell gift certificates in casket, 5 hard shell tacos from Taco Bell, and an entire case of fire sauce. Day 298, he was back from the dead, still a werewolf dressed as Santa Clause, still eating that shitty ass Taco Bell every God damn night.

13. The Cripples
"Crip Theme" 4:12
Dirty Head
Seattle, WA

And so Larry sent out an e-mail informing everybody that he will NOT be attending this year's annual Kevin Costner film festival. Part of him wishes they would all experience this instead.

12. Boris
"Heavy Friends" 4:49
Heavy Rocks
Tokyo, Japan

George would often roll down all of the windows in his car and blast his stereo. The vibrating sensation from heavy guitars gave him a rush. However, it instilled fear into the consumers at the mall. In slow motion, they would turn around and stare, secure the hands of their ugly stinky rotten ass children, looking petrified, as George slowly strolled down the boulevard, blasting music, performing a drive-by shooting on The Boston Store: sparks flying from his car, glass busting onto the sidewalks, dead mannequins dropping out of what used to be windows.

11. Deerhoof
"The Last Trumpeter Swan" 8:11
San Francisco, CA

Jeanelle and Carter were stranded in a dark cave on a rocky waterfall. All they ate were live fish that occasionally passed in the stream in which they were abandoned. They had passionate sex and spawned mutations. They ate one of the twins, the other became pregnant from incest with her twin brother. It gave birth to eyeless humanoid creatures that could swim. The mutations ate Jeanelle and Carter.

10. French Kicks
"Trying Whining" 2:59
One Time Bells
New York, NY

Ralph was kidnapped by a psychopath doctor who wished to use him in an experiment. The doctor told Ralph's fiancé, Gertrude, that she and Ralph had been having an affair. Gertrude was saddened at first, but her friend insisted that she needs to go out and mingle, and she hooked up with Dawson later that same evening. Dawson dumped her after a one night stand. Gertrude longed to have Dawson back. She completely forgot about Ralph. Time spent with Dawson: 9 hours. Time spent with Ralph: 3 years, 7 months, 15 days.

9. Devendra Banhart
"Pumpkin Seeds" 3:41
Oh Me Oh My
New York, NY

Ralph longed to be reunited with Gertrude- it was his primary goal because Gertrude was the one woman he loved unconditionally. He envisioned Gertrude sitting at home crying, scheming a plot to assist Ralph escape, and she was all he thought about. The psychopath doctor had inserted a steel rod into his penis in order to make him the ultimate sex machine, and was conducting sexual experiments on him. This was not the kind of love Ralph needed. Furthermore, he never would have guessed that his beautiful fiancé was home fucking Dawson not even five hours after he had been kidnapped.

8. Roddy Frame
"Big Ben" 3:39
London, England

Gertrude managed to beg and plea Dawson into reconciling with her. Dawson did not want anything more to do with Gertrude, but simply gave in because he couldn't tell her "no." This bitch seemed a bit too easily attached after just one night. Two days later, Gertrude told Dawson that she loved him, "I love you so much!" Dawson then stepped out in front of a speeding bus and killed himself.

7. Archive
"Numb" 5:47
You All Look the Same to Me
London, England

Ralph finally was able to free himself from the torture chamber in which the experiments were being conducted. He fled out of the building and the doctor raced after him. In a field, the chase ended when Ralph grabbed the doctor by her ankles, held her upside down, and slammed her head into a bear trap.

6. Ugly Casanova
"Hotcha Girls" 4:59
Sharpen Your Teeth
US: Seattle, WA; Chicago, IL; San Diego, CA; Gainesville, FL

Dawson's funeral was haunted. Macabre paranormal activities lingered in every room. After the funeral, at the ceremony at Dawson's family's house, Gertrude had sex with Dawson's dad. Later, she found she was pregnant, and didn't know if the baby was Dawson's or Dawson's fathers. Hubert, Dawson's father, vowed to raise the child as both his father and grandfather. He also put on a wig and claimed he could be the child's grandmother too.

5. The Walkmen
"We've Been Had" 3:29
Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me is Gone
New York, NY

After a long series of struggles, journey through the wilderness, and exstensive searching, Ralph finally reunited with his fiancé. He had been eagerly seeking this moment for months anticipating there would by much joy and a long embrace- they would both shed tears and be extremely thankful and fortunate that Ralph had escaped and was alive. Instead, he found her pregnant with the father potentially being this old man dressed like an elderly grandmother. Gertrude acted as if she didn't even remember her fiancé, and found it strange that he was even here. In the midst of the debacle, Ralph discovered that this person dressed as an old woman was actually his own father whom he had been searching for his whole life. The father changed his voice to talk like an old woman and said "I could be your mother too." They all laughed.

4. Destroyer
"Self Portrait With Thing" 6:26
This Night
Vancouver, BC

The entire exam was a total disaster. He soon realized that every single aspect of his life had gone dreadfully wrong, and he was still being scrutinized every second underneath the microscope. Looking up and finding himself completely surrounded with strangers clinging to him and asking puzzling questions totally irrelevant to what he was thinking, he finally tuned them all out, had a moment of clarity, and pulled a Grover Cleveland. Fuck it, fuck it all.

3. Bluebottle Kiss
"Invent the Summer" 4:09
Revenge is So Slow
Sydney, AU

Milwaukee, WI, winter 2011, after reaching yet another low, this one perhaps ranking in the top 10, isolated from everything he ever knew and loved, the escape was far from over. Realizing his troubled life had spiralled completely out of control, and his problems too enormous to ever solve given his present situation, he slept in the car for three days; all the while "Inventing the Summer", plotting to get that place he knew he belonged, to be with that woman he knew he always loved. But did they exist? Did he?

2. Badly Drawn Boy
"Silent Sigh" 4:45
About a Boy Soundtrack
Manchester, England

As it stood, "it" had finally eaten the heart from his soul. He had to stop living here. That occasional song craft perfection was the only thing that could save him. And the ghost of Grover Cleveland.

#1!  Liars
"This Dust Makes That Mud" 30:07
They Threw Us All in a Trench and Stuck a Monument on Top
New York, NY

The beast is coming!

The police had to stop, vandals spray painting graffiti on the bridge. But, these were not ordinary vandals. Rather, these were distinguished older people in their 50's. What were they doing spray painting graffiti? They had spray painted the words: "The Beast is Among Us; The Beast Has Returned."

They grew confrontational with the police. Victor stepped in, solid white eyes, evil looking. "You must understand the way of The Beast, we are in great danger."

The police threatened jail. "Please, take me to jail, at least we will be safe from The Beast."

Once upon a time, I grew desperate. It was nearly bar close, things had been fine, but I desired intimacy: you know, I just wanted to get laid. There was but one single girl on the dance floor, all alone. I approached her. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond was playing. Gross! I hate this song, yet pretended to like it anyway. This was an act of desperation, for whatever reason, this girl seemed suitable enough to take home. This is the moment of my life that I am least proud of. I can still picture her face, arms straight down- perfectly aligned with the side of her body. Only moving her feet, she would yell out the line: "Sweet Caroline!" She even looked me right in the eyes to do this...I acted as if I was into this song too, even though it was only because I had ulterior motives; even though this in my top few least favorite songs in history.

Through time and space, somehow, the Gods reflected on my life and realized this was a moment in which I was most ashamed. I can not even think back on this moment, without despising even myself for stooping to such an enormous low. But, the Gods altered everything. With various tools and wires, Sweet Caroline was changed and altered to "This Dust Makes That Mud," the #1 song of 2002.

Her movements did not change, same dance move, same face, still yelling lyrics, arms perfectly aligned with the side of her body. But, mine did. I could move to this song, and I was the only one present who could. Every person moved from the dance floor and circled around me, watching- with my dance partner had previously been enamored with Sweet Caroline.

There was a killing in a farm house in the middle of nowhere. Although it was far removed from civilization, the gruesome murder was video taped. For nearly 30 minutes straight, an investigator watched a 23 second clip of the brutal slaying on repeat. A woman seated at a table, sewing. A person entering the room with an axe. He swung the axe and into the side of her head. The clip was repeated for eternity. However, the face of the killer was not easy to detect. The investigator watched the clip over and over again, attempting to identify this maniac swinging the axe into the woman's head.

"The CD is NOT skipping!"

After 8 minutes of intense enlightenment, there were symptoms of trepidation on the dance floor. After the song had eclipsed the 8 minute mark, which was extremely long for a song in this place, the finale was the same riff, same beat, looped, repeated, over and over again, for nearly half an hour. It would not stop. Yet, somebody was dancing. I was dancing. My partner, she was... I guess you could call that dancing.

The graffiti sprayers obviated the outside world due to intense fear. They knew the time was looming.

In the video, the investigator saw something he had not noticed. A set of glowing eyes. It seemed to be staring right at him. He swung the axe again, but stopped. The loop of the video was now concluded. The glowing eyes staring right into the eyes of the investigator. The investigator gazed at the video screen, moving closer attempting to get a good look at the killer.

"The CD is NOT skipping!"

Something happened to that girl. Same face, same dance moves. Different eyes. Something was happening.

The investigator moved his face even closer to the video screen, studying the facial features of the axe murderer, attempting to decipher who it could be. They eyes stared back, as if studying the investigator. Right as the investigator had his face nearly touching the video screen, the murdered swung the axe again. This time, the axe came out of the television screen and into the face of the investigator. The murderer walked away.

"The CD is NOT skipping!"

The people on the dance floor became hysterical. This riff had been repeated for nearly 20 minutes. Something was happening. This had caused something, evil was brimming.

Her eyes glowed as she looked right at me. And then she charged at me. There was nothing I could do, no escape. I blacked out.

The beast had returned!

END CREDITS: Destroyer
"This Night"  5:58
This Night
Vancouver, BC  Canada

Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal

None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
All characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.

Band info and images provided by Rateyourmusic
Playlists created on8tracks Radio


Top Image by: Graphic Design Class
Bottom Image by: Janitor Fish

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