Act I: Toaster Dispute
Act II: The Invention of Dehumidifiers & Hemorrhoid Medication
Act III: Vaginal Lube
Act IV: The Final Act in History
The 2nd half of the Broadway musical Cabaret, opens with an instrumental music number performed by all of the performers in the musical. The emcee announces that all actors and actresses are also skilled musicians. Because of this, I rank Cabaret as the #1 Broadway Musical of all time. After the performance, the drama begins. And, that just happened.
ACT IV: The Final Act in History
There was scheduled a nationally broadcasted performance by Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns. The performance was to be held on stage in a smoke-filled small venue in Memphis, 2000; a grand stage arena in 1978; a school gym in 1958; and a free performance in the streets 1969. Some have questioned how it is possible for a band to play in four different venues, in four different eras, simultaneously at the same time. There's a lot of shit that goes on in worlds we know little about- shit like this happens all the time, so don't worry about it.
Regardless, it was a major event. The anticipation leading up to this event was intense. Prior to the performance, Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns had been the hit sensation in all of these eras. However, they were somewhat of a mystery. And, for whatever reason, they had disappeared into obscurity in recent months. The people in 1958 were all about sending fan letters- the people in 2000 were all about sending gifts- the people in 1969 were demanding a protest of the war- the people in 1978 were demanding a protest of all forms of government and all things considered conventional.
In 1978, in the wake of the punk movement, The Sex Pistols and The Clash had enjoyed some notoriety. However, it was the performance of Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns that was slated to give people hope, and bring this to the forefront. They were huge, and when they disappeared into obscurity, it was considered a huge shock. Furthermore, nobody had ever seen the band- they were as much of a mystery as the interior of Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory, and people spoke of the band the same way people related the tale of the Chocolate Factory to Charlie.
The same principle follows for all the rest of the years, those generations. When it was announced that Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns were going to do a live performance, news of this was met with awe. They were musicians that you had heard about, but never saw. There had been but one or two sightings of these legends, and that was as newsworthy as spotting an actual confirmed U.F.O. in the middle of a city. Many had claimed to have knowledge of the band, but few actually did- they only knew of the music and heard it in the cafes, the juke joints, the dance clubs, the punk venues, jail.
One person spoke of an important topic of research. "Yea, man. You see, it used to just be Panther Burns, when they was just playing in clubs around the local circuit. And then they got big, had an international hit in several different eras at the same time. People be asking these dudes, how is it you have a major hit in 2000 & 1958? The cats down at Billboard magazine kept on 'em, wanting to do all these interviews. You see, they track album sales, and suddenly there's a glitch in the computer, Panther Burns goes Platinum in 1958. It all just happened at once, suddenly Panther Burns is the top selling artist ever because they mysteriously had a few hits over the course of history. Nobody even knows when they came out or where they came from. Even more surprising, how was this possible? They kept all this a secret, and refused to disclose information. They wouldn't give the interviews. And now, they are The Unapproachable Panther Burns, cause, you can't even approach these cats."
Television conducted a series of interviews with all the people expecting to be in attendance from all of the eras, get their opinions as to how excited they were to see the band. Some younger girls would faint at the mere sound of the name.
In four different generations, millions of people gathered outside the clubs, many had tickets, others remained glued to their TV sets. It was all anybody could talk about the whole day. If the Super Bowl were being held on this day, not a single person would be watching it. Those who could not get tickets threw parties to watch the performance together.
The performance was scheduled to start at 8:00 PM. People's adrenaline started flowing around 7:00 in sheer anticipation. By 7:45, not a single person was anywhere on the streets, all eyes were focused on the major performance by Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns.
At 8:00, it was dead quiet. Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns had not shown up. People waited and waited. The TV refused to go to a commercial. They kept flashing back and forth, all four stages, all four eras, all four regions of the world. People wondered where they would show up first. As the minutes past, the anticipation was growing. Then, some wondered if they were even going to show.
Finally, at 8:09 PM, as people were beginning to worry that something dreadful has happened and the performance would be cancelled, a man walked out onto the 1958 stage, in black and white on the television sets. Everyone leaned forward, got quiet, to hear the important announcement he was about to say. He walked out slowly, made his way to the center of the stage, and up to the microphone for the important announcement.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns.
25. Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns
"Streamline Train" 6:00
The roar of the crowd was intense. Every single possible aspect of enjoying a music performance was taking place right now, on black and white TV. 1958 danced like it was a sock hop, the people in the streets of 1969 watched with all the styles popular in those days, punks of 1978 did the pogo, 2000 in color ranged from just watching, head bobbing- to crowd surfing. People stood on their chairs at home and threw large bowls of popcorn into lamps, crashing them onto the floor. Some just stood up and clapped along with the beat. Everybody all over the world throughout the course of history enjoyed the performance, however they saw fit.
...thus following the magical performance, we now proceed to The End of the World
Herman had lead a sheltered life. His parents had raised him to listen to only boring ass Classical Music. The music that comprised his mind was displayed in his appearance and personality. Like the music he listened to, Herman was a boring ass person.
His dress attire was conservative and consisted primarily of a pair of brown slacks and this light yellow button-down shirt. He wore his hair parted down the middle, clean cut, and a pair of unstylish glasses. Some commented that he looked like George McFly from Back to the Future.
He was studying to be a politician, spent most of his time reading old books- history books, conventional history at that, the type of shit that promoted government and sounded effective alongside boring ass Classical Music. Each day, Herman would go to the library, pick up an old history book, and go to read at this particular cafe, a cafe that also featured boring ass Classical Music.
The employees, consisting mainly of college students, nor the other patrons, consisting mostly of college graduate liberal minded free thinkers, liked the boring ass Classical Music. Many would complain about having to listen to this crap: "What the fuck do we have to listen to this crap for? I feel like I'm on an elevator."
Whenever people came in and actually enjoyed the music, they were considered bad customers; those who complained about the music were considered the employee favorites. The employees were not compatible with the conventional conservatives who enjoyed the boring ass Classical Music. Each had a least favorite, and many would hide in the back during periods where the entire cafe would become infested with old people who like boring ass Classical Music.
Although not old, Herman was one who made the others uncomfortable. People did not wish to deal with him because he was so dull and lifeless, completely unlike themselves. One clerk felt so outside his comfort level, that even thinking about Herman and those like him would cause anxiety.
It was the request of the cafe owner to play boring ass Classical Music at all times. And, he was adamant that only this be played, even though the ones who despised this crap tipped better than those who liked it. The employees would rather ditch the Classical Music, and have the store appeal more to those with some sort of personality.
Herman came in with his history book, ordered a bagel and sat down...eating a bagel, reading, boring ass Classical Music in the background.
While he was there, the unthinkable happened. The owner of the cafe left to go on vacation to a nice resort- he would be gone for three weeks. The employees eagerly awaited his cab to come, for he would soon be on his way to meet his wife with the car at the airport. The cab showed up, the owner gave the last few orders, and left for three weeks.
He hadn't even been gone for 10 minutes when they all decided, fuck this boring ass Classical Bullshit. The cashier went over and changed the music. That was the end of the boring as Classical Music; that was the end of Herman's pursuit for a career in politics.
24. Rage Against the Machine
"Renegades of Funk" 4:35
Los Angeles, CA
When the music first came on, Herman looked around suspiciously- he had never heard music like this before. It seemed loud and annoying to him. But, he figured maybe that's just how young people are these days, and perhaps he should just let them be. Soon, the beat took over, he was tapping his foot underneath the table, started to move his body a little bit. He questioned the clothes he was wearing, developed a fondness for the girl working behind the counter. The book was closed. Herman sat there, just listening to the music- it was still new to him. The others didn't seem to be as effected, they had heard this before, but seemed to be enjoying it. But Herman was discovering a revelation, something about himself he never knew existed. Once it got to the part: "say jam sucka..." Herman sprang from his chair, knocking it down, stood on the table, ripped off that crappy yellow shirt, and transformed into something else altogether.
"The National Anthem" 5:52
6:39 PM, the world was scheduled to end. The direct cause was an offset of the balance in humanity that put too many drastic measures in one sector of the planet- the overload alert had been sounded, and unless something major took place, extinction for the human race was underway. Herman had obtained the CD from the clerk, riding down the street, listening with stereo blasted. The bass riff was driving, causing him to floor the accelerator. When the crash cymbals became utilized for the ride cymbals, a rush of adrenaline took over Herman. He picked up his speed to where the speedometer of his VW Bug was buried- riding through the middle of a downtown city. The light turned red, Herman jerked the steering wheel, spinning the VW out of control, overturning, spinning, tumbling, up and over a curb, and into an office building where a CEO meeting was taking place. At 6:38 PM, Herman jumped out of the VW, unharmed- although there was a loud alarm sounding from somewhere. The business guys at the meeting stared at Herman in awe, who simply picked up one of their reports, and announced, "this is a crock of shit," acted as if he was wiping his ass with it, then threw the document back onto the table. The alarm grew louder and could be heard all over the world now. Nobody knew where it was coming from.
The alarm had sounded at 6:24 PM, emerging from the heaven's- alerting the Earth, 15 minutes until extinction. Although the alarm was loudly audible all across the globe, some did not hear immediately, and most had no clue where it was coming from or why? Some assumed a storm was coming- but there were no clouds. An air strike maybe?
22. The Twilight Singers
"Into the Street" 4:56
New Orleans, LA
Stan knew this moment was coming. He had been tormented with nightmares predicting the end of the world and the exact moment it was coming. When the alarm sounded, he knew the moment of truth had come, and the final moments were upon them. In the midst of what could have been chaos, Stan remained calm. He walked outside and observed the world for what may be the last time ever. It was a decision coupled with two polarizing effects: 1. He wished to take it all in for the last time, and free himself to nature in preparation for when the end would strike; 2. He was looking for clues and attempting to watch how this all was going to unfold.
21. Saint Etienne
Sound of Water
Croydon, England/London, England
Imagine if you will, extinction, and actually being a part of it, alive one moment, then having full awareness that the world is about to end. Once the alarm sounded, Helen realized much about herself and her life. It was as if she had been attempting to complete a test, and with some questions still unanswered, the examiner announces: "time's up", have to stop immediately. As she sat reflecting on her whole life, she could not even recall what she was doing at the time the alarm sounded- definitely not completing the answers of any relevance. She looked at her test sheet, she had not answered many of the questions, and the one's she did complete, she hoped she had answered correctly.
20. Modest Mouse
"Perfect Disguise" 2:42
The Moon & Antarctica
Pedro had spent the past couple years in a bad situation that had only been getting worse. He was working at a job that he did not care much for in the first place. There had been one incident with another employee that led to an altercation. Soon, rumors were spread, most not true, and Pedro was treated harshly by the people in community. For the past year, he had been fighting this battle, attempting to change the beliefs of others, but everything kept crumbling down upon him. When the alarm sounded, Pedro was filled with resentment, bitterness, and rage. He had been so disliked, for so long, for no reason. It was the fault of one person. It was time to no longer care about this person, he had caused too much misery. Maybe tell him off, and get as far away from these people as possible- he didn't want to die here.
19. Jurassic 5
"Jurass Finish First" 4:35
Los Angeles, CA
Had "proper" lifestyle ever been effective? Margaret spent her whole life attempting to be proper, what she defined mannerly, preaching about lifestyles that were poisoning the minds of our children. Her two children had obviously been poisoned and no longer spoke to her. Her empty home was meticulously tidy, and everything perfectly kept. Finally, she decided to cut loose, maybe poison her own mind. When the music came on, she started bouncing around, spinning around. Something peculiar happened- she smiled. Nobody was there to witness it in the home, but as we have heard, somebody always sees. As the music took over, she took the pitcher of grape Kool Aid out of the refrigerator and dumped it all over her carpet, smiling bigger. With a huge grin, she put all of her elegant clean dishes in the dishwasher, filled the spout up with 10W 30 motor oil, and ran outside to feel the joy.
18. Primal Scream
There was this notion that the government knew all about when the world was going to end, but did nothing about it. Another indicated the alarm was the result of the government wagering a major war on some other government the people had nothing to do with. Others, simply felt as if the government had prevented them from ever achieving the happiness they wished. And these people took the civil disobedience into the streets. Amidst the alarms that rang loudly through the streets, people took out their anguish on all of those who claim had oppressed thier freedoms. Government buildings were destroyed, police stations, as well as key industries who had become too greedy. Some members of the government participated in the riots as well.
17. The White Stripes
"Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?" 3:22
As the alarm sounded, Ralph's wife Elizabeth immediately went into a fit of rage because he had unproperly folded the towels. Her griping and complaining was no longer welcomed- Ralph left. On the window of his car was a parking ticket, the parking police had given every single car on the block a ticket. Some random person he did not even know criticized the way he was dressed. Ralph was tired of the constant scrutiny, especially if unwarranted from people he did not know nor even like. He ripped up the parking ticket and decided he was spending his final moments all alone.
16. Sonic Youth
"Streamxsonik Subway" 2:51
NYC Ghosts and Flowers
New York, NY
All at once, people were scrambling around in what seemed nothing in particular. Lines of people could be seen darting inside various places, out of others, moving at a rapid pace, rushing around for something. Lines would zoom off of the subway, racing back onto the next train. They would zip into the bar, out of it, into a store. The lines of people would race across the street, single file, into a building, out onto the roof, back down again, up through the floor of a random shop that sold antique Chinese statues. They would run up the street, turn around, run back down. What had to happen? Who knows, something.
15. Poem Rocket
New York, NY
The sky roared, as a gigantic orange cloud with rippling black texture loomed across the sky; until the entire sky was covered with an enormous orange cloud that growled like thunder as it eclipsed the horizon. Once the world was blanketed with this cloud, the world temporarily stopped spinning. Every person on Earth floated up in the air, precisely 15 inches, then stopped. The thunder stopped rolling, the cloud stopped, the alarm stopped ringing...the Earth stood perfectly still, only the sound of dogs barking as everybody feared what would happen next. It was akin to being on a thrill ride, reaching the top, and then awaiting the anticipated drop.
14. Badly Drawn Boy
"Magic in the Air " 3:43
The Hour of Bewilderbeast
The story of Dana and Derrick continues. Derrick had finally lost his mind, went on a killing spree, and with the bodies in his trunk, was prepared to end it all and drive off the cliff. En route, he had a minor fender bender involving Dana...it was love at first sight. Derrick left his crashed vehicle parked on the side of the street, joined Dana, who was persistent with insisting. She felt obliged to buy him dinner for wrecking his car. Throughout the night, Derrick's world had transformed, he was no longer the same person struggling with insanity who killed all those people, on the verge of killing himself. That was last night, it was the greatest night of Derrick's life- a night that should have happened one day sooner.
13. The Black Heart Procession
"The War is Over" 3:52
San Diego, CA
Wayne had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, wasn't given much longer to live anyway. He had been married to Lucy for over 60 years. She was struggling with the notion of going on without him, and reflected on their relationship together. They had been happy, but there were times when they were apart they she regretted. Admittedly, there were times when, well, she just wanted to be away from him. Now, she longed to spend every precious moment of his final days with him. She was not expecting to spend that final moment floating 9 inches in the air- that's where Wayne finally died, slouched over, floating in mid-air over the street. Lucy reached out, and grabbed his hand; shortly after, that is where she died too- the image of an elderly couple, hands joined, slouched over dead, floating upright 9 inches in the air.
12. The Sea and Cake
"The Colony Room" 2:35
Floating 9 inches in the air is something few have ever experienced. Murphy claimed to have done this in 1967, but he was lying. In actuality, it had not happened since 1242 AD, and that miracle was performed by a cat. Nobody knew what to do once they were in the air. Most remained motionless, overpowered by the fact they were now suspended in mid-air. There was a sense of fear, for they were now awaiting the end, whatever doom was about to be stricken down upon them. Without doing anything with their own power, all doors were ghostly opened, and people floated outside onto the streets, until every single person on Earth was standing outside, suspended frozen 9 inches above ground. At this precise moment, all persons were equals.
11. Sigur Rós
The orange cloud roared with thunder again, and seemed to be sinking. People expected that they would float higher, but instead, the sky fell down to them lowering at a slow rate. The thunderous noise grew louder as it got closer to the ground, and once it finally hit, the gigantic orange cloud expanded even further, seemingly exploding with intense speeds, spreading across the ground, covering the buildings, into the houses. The human life on Earth stood motionless, 9 inches in the air, unable to even move. For whatever reason, no other animal was floating, birds were not even flying. The wind gusts were violently intense, blowing people in the face, shimmering their clothes, hair, yet they were stationary, not moving a single inch from the spot in which they were suspended. The orange cloud raced through them all at once, to where all each individual could see was a chaotic orange, shimmers of black, and intense wind. It did not blow the people away, nor any other forms of life, but all inanimate material objects were swept away in the wind, floating down the boulevard, and off into the nothingness void that hovered overhead.
Suddenly, it all stopped. They people remained suspended, now 16 inches in the air, still unable to move. The orange cloud remained in the sky, but all seemed tranquil for the moment.
10. Lemon Jelly
"The Staunton Lick" 5:22
All houses were now completely vacant. Music sounded from the clouds. Every single animal on Earth emerged onto the street, some into the homes that had been occupied by humans, sniffing around. Once they all got onto the streets, and saw all the humans floating in midair unable to move, they stood upright, joined hands with a partner, and danced in the street. It was a 4:00 dance routine with animals dancing freely in the streets, spinning each other around, waltzing, booty grinding, swinging and swaying. The scene was a reflection of pure merriment, lots of smiles, in unison with the song's beat.
"A Rose" 5:41
The Death of Quickspace
Last night, Derrick and Dana held hands and walked for miles. Life had been a sesspool of misery for both of them, although Dana had been remarkable in her ways of dealing with things; Derrick had been as well, up until yesterday. Some predicted that had they not met, Dana may have had done the same thing as Derrick. Their birthdays were one day apart, a complication delayed Derrick's birth. He was supposed to be born the exact same time as Dana, they were to be soul mates for eternity, and rated 100% compatible in the registry. Without each other, the world was abominable. But they finally found each other, shortly after a killing spree had to take place... they had found where they belonged, in a world that made sense now, they just hoped it didn't take too long to get here. Even so, their time spent together were cherished as the greatest moments of their lives.
"Major Havoc" 4:25
Come On Everybody Let's Rock
New York, NY
In quick succession, little miniature orange clouds wearing sunglasses came down to the ground to where the humans were standing/floating. The first miniature orange cloud approached Edward, stared at him for a few seconds, then wrote some things down on a clipboard. Edward was valued as a good man, the nicest guy anybody ever knew. After jotting the notes on the clipboard, the miniature orange cloud placed a pair of sunglasses on Edward. Inside, Edward was viewing a video of his own personal life; it was a clip of the worst thing he had ever done. After viewing the clip, the cloud floated up above Edward, and struck his ass with lightning- zapped him right on the ass. Edward yelped in pain, and smoke was coming from his buttocks. "Ouch!" he kept saying, but not in intense excruciating pain.
"Internal Wrangler" 3:03
Larry was a piece of shit. He got floated out into the middle of the street, and the miniature clouds observed him. His clip was a bit longer, for he had to view several of the worst things he had ever done. After his viewing, he was zapped with far more severity than Edward. His face was left blackened, and smoke emerged from beneath his clothes. He was floated back into place. One by one, the clouds approached each individual, repeating this process, showing them a clip of the worst thing he/she had ever done, then zapping him/her with lightning- in the ass.
6. Belle & Sebastian
"Women's Realm" 4:36
Fold Your Hands Child You Walk Like a Peasant
Word travelled as to what was happening, and as each person stood frozen suspended in the air, they began to reflect on what they had done. Many felt as if they could visualize the worst thing they had ever done, and knew they deserved some sort of punishment. However, in numerous cases, the worst thing they had ever done came as a shock to some. In lots of cases, the unsuspecting person did realize that what he/she was doing had been deemed as wrong on judgment hour. Some were even arguments in which they assumed they were in the right because they had some supporters within their own circles. If any person attempted to dispute the case, the lightning would zap again, with more force. People learned not to argue with the miniature clouds.
5. The Kingsbury Manx
"Blue Eurasians" 6:59 + "Hawaii in Ten Seconds" 1:43
Chapel Hill, NC
The clouds reached everybody, and the entire population had been shown the worst thing they had ever done, and zapped for it. Under supervision of the clouds, a few of the people were permitted to move again, people whose worst wrong was rated the biggest piece of shit. They were examples. If for one second they thought they were being singled out because they were special and permitted royalty, they were zapped- hard. Every single person had to watch, as if to know the rules. If their feet touched the ground, they were zapped- there was no touching the ground ever. One attempted to go inside his house- zapped the moment he reached the door- a dog was living there now. The humans had been stripped of all their possessions and were no longer permitted in any of the buildings. Each had been given a set of clothes, determined by the clouds as to what they thought would look the best, and they were transformed with a blink of the cloud's eye.
After the rules had been laid out, the clouds all formed a row, in front of all the humans, singing a chant. During the calming, soothing chant sang by the clouds, another burst of orange wind flowed through the humans, and through the Earth. Finally, they were removed with the ability to speak , not a single one of them could utter a word. The other animals could all talk, sing, and joined in with the chant of the clouds. After that, the clouds all left, the sky returned blue.
"Kit and Holly" 5:04
After the clouds left, a couple again attempted to touch ground and return home. They were zapped from far above and carried away. The rest knew this was a brand new era upon them. At first it was mind boggling to not have the ability to speak. Then, it seemed strange watching the world from above as the all the rest of the animals now seemed to have way more freedoms than they did, it was weird listening to them talk too. For the first while, they moved around gingerly, studying what they can and can not do. One person thought to himself that he was going to start again, gotta keep on running- and this person moved with swift grace through the sky, able to glide and turn in circles.
3. Yo La Tengo
"You Can Have it All" 4:37
And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
Some found the new way an actual improvement. They no longer had to work at a crappy job. Being able to float and fly had numerous perks, and some were practicing and getting good at it. No more talking meant no more arguing, and watching a combo of dogs and cats perform Yo La Tengo songs was actually enjoyable. There was no longer any such thing as a boss, a governor, a police force, or any figure of authority. There was nothing in any given day that they absolutely had to do. Also, since they could not touch ground, they were no longer required to eat or sleep. There was 100% satisfaction with the clothes as well.
"Up With People" 5:59
Nixon Album Rank: #1 (#4 for the 2000's)
However, some of the people had been politicians, bankers, lawyers, police officers. They had lived in mansions, had massive amounts of wealth, and assumed people thought they were important. As of now, they were nothing special. Some of these were shooed away out of yards by the other animals, who treated other humans with kindness and affection- some who had been considered degenerates by the bankers. A lot of these types of people lingered by their old homes, mansions, and scoffed when other humans would float by. If they attempted to chase them away, they were zapped with ferociousness and sent into hiding.
#1. The Helio Sequence
At last, Marco had always been a free spirit, as had so many others. The discomfort would have to come to vanish, for, there was no way to change things now. The world had ended, and this was its' conclusion. It's best to enjoy what it is, maybe do things right this time. Marco put his arms into the air, and swooped them down to his sides in a super fast motion. This motion soared him higher into the air, and he soared higher and higher. He was joined by a few other free spirited souls, and they soared way high over the landscape, towering over the buildings, freely across the sky.
END CREDITS: Lambchop
"You Masculine You" 5:59
END CREDITS: Lambchop
"You Masculine You" 5:59
Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
All characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.
Band info and images by rateyourmusic.
Playlists created a 8tracks
The originations of dehumidifiers, trash bags, vaginal lube, haemmorrhoid medicine and all other products is a complete parody and definitely in no way a factual account of history.
For accurate info about Tav Falco & The Unapproachable Panther Burns...
Bottom Image by: Pokon21 Common Image
Top Image by: Rennigen
End Credits Image by: The Telegraph UK