Chapter 1: Hennigan's Furniture Store
Chapter 2: Furniture Store Turf Wars
Chapter 3: Random Sofa on the Moon
Chapter 4: Life After the Riot
Chapter IV: Life After the Riot
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
25. Dog Faced Hermans
"The Running Man" 4:05
Mental Blocks For All Ages
The aliens did not leave however. It turns out they were police officers from the planet Chryslemanathor investigating the murder of Merle Ffkedbverkner. He had disappeared from the planet and his body was discovered on the moon. Jose was being detained on the planet, but his DNA did not match that of the killer's. The alien officers had a photo of the sofa and was interrogating the employees of Hennigan's Furniture whether or not they had seen this sofa. There was a replica in the showroom, exact same sofa, and the aliens wondered how they got it into the store, when it was just on the moon. In the back, there were even more of them. What sort of an operation was this?
24. Helios Creed
"Big Bang" 3:35
San Francisco, CA
The same laws and theories that exist on the planet Chryslemanathor do not exist on Earth. The aliens informed Dan that they were going to need to take all of the sofas into the station at the other galaxy for further investigation. Dan was not willing to cooperate, and in no way was going to simply let these aliens have the sofas. One on hand, the aliens were advanced in terms of technology involving firearms...so it seemed. They did have laser guns, drew them on the crew, and insisted they were taking the sofas. The sales reps had to back off immediately, and were being held at gunpoint.
23. The Fall
"Sinister Waltz" 4:13
Chryslemanathor is the third planet orbiting the star Vickertsny, many similarities to the sun. Therefore, although they were able to conduct interplanetary travel, the planet bore many similarities to the stupidity on Earth. Moving sofas was definitely their area of expertise. First, they had no clue how to even move it. After careful examination, they picked up the sofa, a task which required all four of them, and carried it to the door. At the door, they were as clueless as a group of Amish people attempting to create an Excel spreadsheet. They couldn't fit it through the door, maneuvering it was difficult, tilting it was a pain, and there was no way it was going to fit in the spaceship...let alone the entire inventory of them.
Just For a Day
The crew at the store eventually lost all fear of them; to the extreme they were standing outside making fun of them while they attempted to hoist the sofa into the spaceship. When the aliens dropped the sofa off of the ramp, the whole group laughed out loud at them. The aliens got so irate with the sofa that they drew their lasers out and shot it. The massive guns only put a small burn hole in one of the cushions. People of Earth laughed even more once they realized that that was all their laser guns were capable. One of the aliens shot Rex and all it did was put a little burn hole in his shirt. They all laughed, except Rex, who confronted the aliens and chased after them. They took off in their spaceship and quickly fled the parking lot. Nothing worse than an invasion of pussy aliens.
21. White Heaven
"Dull Hands" 4:54
Stan the furniture salesman assumed he was of high class and enjoyed elite status because he was one of the top sales associates at Hennigan's Furniture. He went to bar, a classy bar, one with dim lights and calm music, where people wore suits and business attire. Jeanelle was seated at the bar drinking a bloody Mary, Stan ordered a gin martini. He scooted close to her, introduced himself, told her where he worked and gave her a business card. Stan then proceeded to go on and on about all of the furniture available at the store, talked for a prolonged period about one brand's selection of recliners, and even broke out a catalogue to show Jeanelle all the great products he sells. Finally, she got up, and Stan was pleading, don't walk away. She did though.
20. David Kilgour
"Splash Your Jewels" 3:12
Here Come the Cars
Dunedin, New Zealand
After Jeanelle walked out, Stan went to the bathroom, looked at himself in the mirror, and gave himself a pep talk, declaring he was the greatest; the guy who works in the bathroom giving people towels and whatnot agreed. Stan tipped him $7, and then splashed on what he considered the finest cologne, $78 a bottle, and 3% of American women agreed that it smelled good. With his brochures and catalogues, he sat at another table with another group of women. He forced his way into the conversation, showed them a photo of an elegant sofa available in the showroom, and declared he was so cool that he could get all of them a discount on it. The women acted as if this was fabulous, showed an extreme amount of interest, and then said they had to all go to the bathroom- be right back. Stan sat alone at the table waiting around for them to come back, watching the band play music. He waited all night. Even after close. They never returned.
19. Velvet Crush
In the Presence of Greatness
Stan sat at the table, saddened by his failures at scoring with women. The employees were beginning to sweep the floor. Once he realized they weren't coming back, Stan started to cry at the table. The bathroom attendant came over, sat at the table, and allowed Stan to cry on his shoulder. Furthermore, the bathroom attendant also provided tissues for Stan while he cried; Stan tipped him a couple more dollars. The two left together, went over to Vince's house- he's the bathroom attendant. Stan was not impressed with his furniture, insisted they go to his place. At Stan's, Vince was not impressed with the condition of his bathroom. He left. Neither claimed to be gay.
18. The Feelies
"Find a Way" 7:05
Time For a Witness
Stan sat on his bed, lying awake, thinking, still in his suit. He came up with a great idea. The next day at work, he purchased an elegant living room set, a nice dining room table, and a queen sized mattress and had them delivered to Vince- figured it was better than posting a missed connection on Craigslist. When he got home, he found that his bathroom had been cleaned, a nice set of soft towels lying by the sink, the world's softest toilet paper, and an automatic hand towel dispenser. There were samples of cologne on the sink. Stan was uncertain how all of this got here, but then Vince came out from the cabinet underneath the sink. Vince and Stan smiled at each, put their arm around each other. Vince opened up the bathroom door, and there was a large group of elderly people in wheelchairs looking back at them, smiling, waving. Stan took this moment of glory in for a while, smiled, waved back, and smiled at Vince, still waving. The two laughed.
17. Pearl Jam
Jim and his crew were sailing in the ocean when suddenly there was a malfunction in the boat. They worked and worked to repair the leaks, but the struggle was too tough, the ship was sinking. The boat was spinning. A massive wave roared, crashed into the boat, and turned their world to black. When Jim regained consciousness, he was standing on a ledge on the Cape of Good Luck. There was gigantic fish named Garvin floating in a recliner, sipping a drink. For a while, the two stared at each other. Jim's crew approached slowly, floating on handcrafted chairs and sofas. Floyd the Chinese man in blue round sunglasses came up behind Jim, put his arm around him, and pointed out at all the people floating. I knew someday you'd have beautiful life. The fish smiled, waved at Jim. Jim waved back, smiling; Floyd waved; and all of Jim's crew waved back at them. Off in the distance, the music could be heard.
16. Julian Cope
A spaceship in the parking lot of a different furniture store. The aliens got out, with their laser guns, stormed into the store, and took some of the employees from the shipping area hostage. They ordered them out of the store, into the parking lot, into the spaceship, and demanded that they remove the sofa out of the ship because they were sick and tired of having to deal with it. It required some maneuverability, but the crew was finally able to get the sofa out of the spaceship. Once it was out of the aircraft, the aliens shoved Jose out, and took off back to Chryslemanathor.
Dan was curious exactly who came up with the concept of renting furniture as opposed to actually purchasing it. Regardless, he was not going to withstand a rent-a-center opening up on his turf. His crew came to scene, entered the store, and stood at the entranceway while all the employees stared. It was a scene in slow motion, with super heavy, super slow guitar riffs providing the soundtrack. The employees shouted something, and took cover behind some articles of furniture. They pulled out guns and shot the place up. A lamp exploded; stuffing from couch cushions floated in the air; an entertainment center crashed to the ground; the store's mascot ran out in flames.
14. Zeni Geva
"Shoot Me With Your Blood" 7:16
The newscaster reported all the violence in the streets, amidst heavy fired, loud gunshots, and buildings burning in the background. Furniture war violence had escalated to an alarming number as furniture dealers battling for territory made the streets unsafe. It was too dangerous to even go out at night, as furniture sales associates were doing drive-by shootings on their competitors. Things really got ugly when one furniture dealer declared there was going to be an ethnic cleansing as all the customers who purchased items from one store was going to be struck down in the streets. It was far too dangerous to even deal crack these days.
"Good Morning Captain" 7:39
It was a dangerous mission, but an execution of furniture boss Monte Gustafson was ordered. During the span where of 4 days in which a new shopping center was opened containing 16 furniture stores fighting for business, Monte Gustafson was implementing the most shrewd tactics to gain more customers- false advertising, misleading coupons, and slanderous comments about the competitors. First, the employees of his shipping area were disposed of after a moving truck was hi-jacked en route to the Henderson's with their furniture. They waited at the back dock.
Mrs. Henderson called and complained because her order had not arrived at the 10:00 AM time she was promised, and it was already 10:04. Gustafson got irate, demanded the drivers would all be fired, screamed at everybody where in the hell they were, and opened up the back shipping door. There was the truck. He assumed his crew walked off, quit, bastards were dead. Monte opened up the back of the truck, and it was he that was dead. The hi-jackers slid a large sofa down the ramp towards Gustafson. He screamed, held up his hands, the speeding sofa struck him, carried him on the arm rest, gained more speed, and smashed him into the concrete wall. Blood spilled from his mouth.
12. The Four Horsemen
"Let it Rock" 5:13
Nobody Said it Was Easy
That action scene in the movies where in quick succession shows cool images of fighting, violence, and explosions: One furniture store, a leather couch is thrown through a window, and explodes. A sales guy opens the cabinet of a coffee table, and explodes. A lady sits in a recliner in the showroom- the recliner grows teeth, chomps her, and gobbles her into the chair, blood splatters everywhere. A man is advertising a commercial regarding a huge sale; his head suddenly falls off shooting massive amounts of blood into the air. An associate pulls the chain of a lamp, creating a mushroom cloud explosion in the furniture store. A moving truck full of explosives crashes into the rent-a-center, the entire store explodes at once.
11. Public Enemy
"Lost at Birth" 3:50
Apocalypse 91...The Enemy Strikes Back
Fuck 'em, they're just a bunch of shitty strip mall plaza chain stores you see everywhere. They don't offer anything new anyway. Dan Hennigan decided it was time to finish this war once and for all. Rex, Shaw, Stan, Dan, Alexis, and a few others aggressively entered the strip plaza war zone to take care of business. With rocket launchers, hand grenades, and a tank, the entire strip of nothing but chains, fast food restaurants, and Wal Mart was all demolished. The furniture bosses who were wreaking so much havoc in the city did not even put up much of a struggle.
10. Butthole Surfers
"Revolution Pt. 2" 7:28
The news went national, and documents were released about how much of a corrupt scam chain stores and strip plazas had become. Furthermore, people were growing tired of seeing the same shit off every exit, the same stores in every single shopping district, the same sales, the same scams. A day of rage was declared; the target- all of those stores you see on that one block with all the rest of the stores. The people carried signs, protests, riots, and all the stores were destroyed and looted. A group of hackers got into the computers, and all consumers were relieved of their debts at 29.7% interest.
"We Will Survive" 6:51
White Light from the Mouth of Infinity
New York, NY
The store was run by Bertie Cook, the only person in China named Floyd, and some happy-go-lucky ghosts from the sea. Cook's Furniture decided it wanted to offer something different to the community, and targeted a different audience. Instead of featuring furniture with the exact same patterns, material, and flowers as everyone else, at Cook's, you could get a black sofa with skull designs. In fact, most of the furniture was black, or a very dark color. They also carried an extensive line of Gothic chandeliers. Of course, their busiest time of the year happened to be Halloween and not Christmas. Oh well.
8. My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult
"Sex on Wheelz" 5:00
With the new and exciting changes, Cook's Furniture had to get rid of their old customers. All of the elderly people screwing on the old style beds, where lifted up and shot out the door, cannon style, rolling down the highway. Truckers would look out the window, and see some old people fucking on a bed right beside them, travelling at a speed of 68 mph. This became a popular event, and a good way to make money when it wasn't Halloween. Unfortunately, many of the beds crashed, sending the old people into flames. But, they still did it anyway. The Sex on Wheelz ride became as much of a thrill activity as parachuting and bungee jumping. Average age of the participants: 74.
7. Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
"Nothing Solid" 7:16
San Francisco, CA
Cook's Furniture featured some strange music for their parking lot festivals now too, obscure bands with a devoted cult following. Seated in the parking lot, on a sofa, was Jose. He had been to the moon, in jail on another planet, and there was a riot in that jail. Jose did not even commit any crimes but was brought up on murder charges. It was more than being in a jail riot; going to the moon and another planet can bring forth changes in a person, and over time, the changes can be drastic. Jose sat on the sofa, in the parking lot, just listening to the great obscure music, reflecting on his own life. Benny came up and sat beside him. They didn't speak a single word to each other, just paid attention to the music, they had more things in common than they realized, but somehow could just tell.
"Violet Execution" 3:58
Jose and Benny immediately became friends, and joined the acquaintance of Rosco. The three were the perfect trio of social misfits and could often be seen parading around town getting into trouble finding themselves in the most peculiar of situations. Luckily, Angela never dumped Benny and she always had to bail them out of the jams they would find themselves in, at the expense of Benny having a black eye- sometimes all three of them would receive a similar beat down.
5. My Bloody Valentine
"Come In Alone" 3:59
Benny and Angela were at the grocery store, Pick N Save of course, picking up some items for a gathering they were having this weekend. Angela made Benny push the cart, but Benny had no clue what they were even getting. Angela had a whole list of things she needed, and was looking down the list to see if any of these items were in what aisle. She was older than Benny by nearly 6 years, taller by nearly 6 inches, and more mentally stable by roughly 647%. Maybe if Benny was more mentally stable, she wouldn't boss him around so much. She looked beautiful though, looking at that list, cussing out loud about random shit. Angela decided where to go next, pushed Benny in that direction, then put her arm around him. He smiled; he had never been more comfortable. That one moment changed him more than the jail riot, though it was probably attributed to that particular incident.
4. The Orchids
And I dreamed again, the other night. The strip malls had been exploded. They had all been replaced with new ideas, new opportunities, and the world was suited to my liking. Everybody was happy, even Angela. Me, her, Rosco, his new girlfriend, Jose, and his new girlfriend, and the whole rest of the world...we all awoke to a brand new day, and enthusiastically approached it, joyfully emerging from our living room doors, excited to be out and doing something. For, as of now, with the new ideas being implemented where the old ones were destroyed, there was plenty to do for everybody, and we spent our money judiciously on recreation rather than material things that had no use. We all laughed, had fun, played music, and sang together...get yourself high... feed your soul... set yourself free.
3. Teenage Fanclub
"The Concept" 6:06
Although they all eventually outgrew their mischievous nature, the trio of misfits still constantly found themselves in bizarre situations in which they had no control over. It seemed that no matter what they did, how hard they tried to avoid things; some sort of trouble always seemed to plague them. Eventually, it caused significant problems in all of their relationships. For the most part, they did have a lot of fun, enjoyed a lot of fun activities in life, but the massive amount of issues that would pile up would become too problematic at times. The stress of ordinary life would bog them down; for they knew they would never fully fit in with it. They each would have periodic bouts with anger, depression, and resentment for the world. Sometimes, they did not wish to participate in any of their activities whatsoever, just more strip malls, financial problems, and troubles with the police over petty occurrences that offended no one.
2. Mercury Rev
"Chasing a Bee" 7:10
Yerself is Steam
And then one day came the invention of the absorption couch that had a significant impact on society; an impact so revolutionary that it completely changed the world and ended all wars. There was something about that cigarette sized burn hole from the alien’s lasers that caused some sort of phenomenal reaction. Once people sat in this sofa, their entire worlds were juxtaposed with alternate parallel universes. They no longer needed a television set to think for them; no, simply by sitting in the sofa, they were able to travel freely to other regions of the universe. However, many of them chose to watch television from other planets, but at least the shows were significantly better.
#1! Primal Scream
"Damaged" 5:39 & "I'm Coming Down" 6:01 (tie)
"Damaged." Angela dumped Benny. It was what he always wanted. But two days after that, he realized it was the worst thing that ever happened. So he went back to her house, and in an attempt to win back his love, purchased her a gift, even had it gift wrapped the best he was able- which wasn't all that great. Curious what the package was, and being as he never really bought her anything, she tore it open to see what it was. Inside, a brand new lamp! Top of the line, just got released today- handcrafted by a Chinese man named Floyd in the sea of good luck. When you turned it on, the light bulb was in the shape of a heart, and it said "I Love Angela" on the lamp shade.
”I’m Coming Down” The magic worked. Angela shook her head, wondered how the hell this loser came up with such a ridiculous idea, and then smiled. Benny smiled back. A Chinese man emerged from the kitchen, stood behind Benny, looked at Angela, smiled, and waved. Angela stood up, looking confused. The whole group of sea men emerged from the kitchen, floating on chairs, and a gigantic fish drinking a Pina Colada. They smiled. Finally, Angela smiled back. Benny stood by Angela; they put their arms around each other, laughed. They looked up at the group of furniture merchants from the sea of good luck, who were all smiling, looking around, waving at them. Benny and Angela stood close beside each other, smiling, waving back. It was beautiful.
END CREDITS: Mercury Rev
Yerself is Steam
Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
All characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.
Band info and images provided by rateyourmusic
Playlists created on 8tracks
Top Image by: Old Mountain Farm
Bottom Image by: Flickrhivemind
Many scenes influenced by David Lynch.