Part 1: Proper Etiquette Goes Both Ways
Part 2: Life Outside the Store
Part 3: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Part 4: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Part 5: Love Affairs With Customers
Part 6: Gettin' Mutha Fuck'n Crazy at Pier 1 Imports
Part 7: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Part 8: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Part VIII: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Press play on the image below to listen to the songs while you read.
In the pet service industry, the customers are not humans, but animals. The same principles apply; dog customers can be as annoying as human customers and display common traits that annoy employees. A dog with fleas is equivalent to a dirty stinky hippy; homeless people- homeless pets. Some pets, like old people, shit all over the floor. Racism exists, for some places give preferential treatment to certain pets over others. Pet owners, humans, can be bothersome by talking for hours about how Skippy keeps getting out of the fence.
"Flag of Hate" 3:56
Flag of Hate
Ernie was unhappy with the people he had to call customers, and no longer wished to be nice to any of them. Herman entered the establishment, and, as he always did, stood around by the register talking to the other employees, or engaging in conversation with other customers. Most often, Ernie did not agree with the point of view of Herman, who was somewhat liked by the customers, known by many. The other day, Ernie could not stand it anymore, and forcefully threw Herman out of the store.
23. Yo La Tengo
"The Pain of Pain" 5:36
Ride the Tiger
Getting thrown out of an establishment ranges from prestigious to sorrowful depending on the person and the place. The most common form of getting thrown out is in a drinking establishment for being too intoxicated or getting into a fight; this behavior will get a person thrown out from anywhere, but seems to happen most frequently at bars- Bed, Bath, & Beyond a close 2nd- sporting events #3 (poor ushers). Some people get deeply saddened about getting kicked out of a store; tough to find out the lady in the shoe department at K-Mart complained to management for him trying to sniff her shoes while she was trying on a pair.
22. Nikki Sudden and the Jacobites
"When I Left You" 7:42
While in line at City Market, a woman cut in line and asked the busy cashier a question in which the answer was, "right over there"; apparently she wasn't willing to look too hard. Then, she stood at the side of counter, resting her arms on the store's scale, staring at the busy employees, needing more assistance. Finally a guy showed up, she asked a question, he answered, then he asked her if she was feeling any better- meaning: she comes in regularly, and had recently announced to all the employees that she was sick. I monitored her behavior while I was getting my coffee, and could not keep a straight face.
21. Ludwig Von 88
"Houla La!" 2:16
Another common reason for getting thrown out of a store is for damaging the store's merchandise or vandalizing the property. Fat people are prone to knock over entire displays at a store when their big asses strike it as they are attempting to get around a corner. Shopping carts can wreak havoc, particularly when the one pushing it is drunk. The most commonly dropped item at convenience stores- 40 oz bottles of King Cobra, which says a lot about the people who drink it and may explain why they are unemployed and homeless.
20. Pussy Galore
"Kill Yourself" 3:01
Groovy Hate Fuck
Washington, D.C./New York, NY
For the employees of an establishment, it is a sheer annoyance when a customer breaks something. Employees try to be tolerable, but some of these items are difficult to clean up. Also, some customers break items by being careless or being in restricted areas- such as behind the bar. They may pretend like they are being nice, say, "oh, its ok", occasionally they do mean it, for it happens; but in general, when a customer breaks something and creates a clean-up situation, they think in their minds how much of a fucking imbecile this asshole is, and wish he/she would run out in front of a bus. There are ways to be forgiven though.
19. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Your Funeral... My Trial
Berlin, Germany/Australia/United Kingdom
Some lady came into where I work, fairly early in my morning shift, and went behind the bar wearing a stupid cheesehead hat to hand her douchy boyfriend the camera so he could take a picture of her wearing this lame hat, looking like the complete loser she was. While behind the bar handing over the camera- immediately I was annoyed because she was behind the bar- she knocked over some glass candles and busted them on the floor. Casually said, "oh sorry", in which I had no choice to reply, "that's fine, just don't come back behind the bar." She then called me a fucking dickhead, and she and douche left calling me a dick.
As if I was the one who did her wrong; as if she should have had preferential treatment for breaking something; like I was thinking, "you know, I didn't really like that candle and was thinking of a way to get rid of it; I was just thinking how I was in the mood to sweep up broken glass- you win a prize!" If I would have went behind the bar and broke something at any other bar, I would have been thrown out with excessive force, possibly in the full-nelson. I was once informed by co-workers that we do not have to take any shit because we have a river right behind us and a sausage factory two doors over.
"Grudge Hill" 3:34
Dunedin, New Zealand
There are customers who think they have serious shock value, yet the things they do that are "shocking" are unoriginal and people do the exact same thing several times daily. Assuming that all the employees would find this act amusing, once they discover that nobody is laughing, they assume that they have offended the staff with their lewd behavior; it's obvious these people do not listen to Axemen or most other music in this section. I kindly inform them that they are just not original, and that they probably do not have what it takes to ever offend me.
17. Cocteau Twins
"Little Spacey" 3:26
There are traits to look for that indicate as to whether or not the customers/employees have noticed you. They notice your haircut, and comment on it; maybe even compliment it, suggesting that now you finally look so-so, whereas before the new haircut you looked like a fat greasy pile of shit. In some instances, you might hear that people have discussed your new hairstyle, and how it looks...people you do not know outside a customer/employee relationship.
16. David + David
"Welcome to the Boomtown" 5:33
They know your name, yet you've never been introduced. It may become puzzling just how exactly this person found out your name. Some employees have to wear name tags, and the customers refer to them by their name- yet the employee does not know the name of the customer. The customers see the employee outside of work and greet him/her by the name on the name tag; the employee does not know how to greet this person in response. But then, they wonder how/why the customer remembered his/her name without seeing the badge, the employee does not even recognize this customer.
15. АукцЫон (Auktyon)
Вернись в Сорренто (Return to Sorrento)
St. Petersburg, Russia
You may enter your favorite store, or be greeted by a customer, and he/she compliments you on how well you've decorated your bedroom. They may state how well the colors match, and the furniture is elegant; they may even say how much they like the smell of your sheets and pillow cases. However, this person has supposedly never been over to your house. You don't know this person's name, and completely clueless how he/she knows where you live.
"A Screw" 5:40
New York, NY
Unfortunately, the amount of money a person spends in an establishment often determines how well he/she is liked. A complete asshole could be deemed as a "high-paying" customer who tips well, and therefore will be treated with enormous respect. Awesome individuals who spend little money often get neglected, even if this person is potentially the soulmate of one of the employees. The neglected individual may grow to dislike the high-paying customer, view him/her as a cock blocker, and talk trash about him/her to the other employees.
13. Beastie Boys
"No Sleep Till Brooklyn" 4:07
Licensed to Ill
New York, NY
Hotel employees may hate their customers and never even see them or have to speak with them. Housekeeping at the hotel has to put up with some disgraceful duties and loathe whoever it was that made them have to do this. A customer may spend the night at a hotel and shit the bed. The cleaning crew will hate whoever did this, and will wish hateful things upon this person like: "I hope whoever did this rots in Hell for all eternity!" Come to find out, it was Aunt Peggy.
12. The Chills
"Kaleidoscope World" 3:46
Dunedin, New Zealand
Employees at vacation resorts and theme parks seemingly have good relationships with their customers. The customers come to these places for recreation, and the employees should encourage fun and excitement; yet another job where dressing as a mascot may be the required uniform. But, these too have similar issues. The woman at the Guess Your Weight/Age game was adored by millions. However, she grew frightened that suddenly a mass amount of customers was able to guess her weight, age, color of her panties, bedroom furniture. At social events, when she told people her occupation, try guess what they wanted her to do. She became so disgruntled that she guessed everybody to be much older than they were, and simply guessed "fat" for the weight.
St. Petersburg, Russia
Some customers find sheer enjoyment by writing on the bathroom wall of an establishment they enter quite regularly. They will attempt to devise anthemic slogans, share political/religious opinions, promote their favorite bands, slander high-paying customer, or criticize the policies of Jo Ann Fabrics. Other customers leave responses, not knowing who wrote the original post. These customers are expected to be original or else their statements will be painted over. In 2007, a study revealed that 76% of the bathrooms at the offices of insurance agents had been severely vandalized with graffiti.
10. The Feelies
"Tomorrow Today" 5:34
The Good Earth
As for me personally, I attempt to get in and out of a place without drawing any attention to myself; my goal is to be completely ignored and nobody even notice that I was even there. Unfortunately, I do not think I have had very much success with this. People have said that they saw me in their store several weeks ago, even though I do not remember them; and I question what I did wrong. Perhaps everybody has a good memory, and I don't.
9. CCCP Fedeli alla Linea
"Emilia Paranoica (Remiscelata)" 7:46
Album title; will take up all the space
I have never entered an establishment and gone so far as to introduce myself or attempt to pry into the personal lives of the employees. In fact, I rarely engage in deep conversations with the store's employees and never flirt with bartenders; if the music in the store is good, I will talk about that. I do not interact with other customers, speak to other people in line, or inquire to patrons at restaurant about the food they are eating- and I hate it when people do this to me.
8. The Bevis Frond
"Wild Mind" 6:56
The business in which I have visited the most in history is Shake It Records in Cincinnati, OH. This is the only place in my history of existence where I was known and knew all the employees on a first name basis (though I was known as "raffling his car Tony"). Everyone who worked there, I considered extremely cool, had a major crush on the one female employee, the owner once helped me write an essay for college about downloading, and co-owner Jim is actually how I discovered The Bevis Frond. That said, they get my vote for my all-time favorite store. All of the dumb assholes that I have written about thus far, I was that particular dumb asshole at this place. Much of the music in this entire blog came from this place, so if you like it, check 'em out.
7. Corpses as Bedmates
"Gus Black Box" 4:46
The place I frequent the most (as of right now) is City Market, where I get coffee every single morning. I go in there every single day, and I do not know the name of one single employee there. I do, however, recognize their faces, and my ex-girlfriend and I talked about them once and went so far as to rank them on who we found most attractive- most of the employees are young attractive females. Somehow, a few of these know my name, know where I work, and have made a few inquiries about my personal life. One asked: "who was that girl you were in here with the other day" (this was back when I was in a relationship with Jennifer Triolo). I'd have to say I'm considered a douche for the most part, just because I go there everyday.
6. The Jesus and Mary Chain
Some Candy Talking EP
East Kilbride, Scotland
Based on what I've been told, I do not think I am perceived as a typical employee by customers. On that note, I think that I am both extremely loved and hated. Throughout my history, I would say that I have had conversations with well over a million people. In that time, I have received blunt sexual advances, and handled multiple death threats simultaneously. Some places I have worked, I have had very little "normal" interactions, and co-workers have questioned what I do to these people.
New York, NY
I suppose if I had to pick a place where I've had the most interaction with customers, I would go with Roadrunner Market in downtown Asheville. While working here, I was somewhat of a popular commodity and made a lot of friends (and enemies). It seemed like I didn't have to pay too many cover charges in Asheville while working here, and I eventually knew just about every single person in all the places I hung out. I heard stories about people talking about me; while out seeing a band one night, I was talking to some girl, she asked where I worked, I told her. She then asked if somebody worked there named Tony, and I told her that I was Tony. She then stated, with a different look on her face: "Oh. All my friends talk about how hot you are. I was expecting you to be cuter," and then walked away from me. I had mixed reviews about this, obviously...so I decided I should someday write a commentary about customers.
Completely inconsistent with the fanbase of customers I have accumulated over the years, for no reason at all, some people absolutely despise me (in my opinion, no reason anyway). Therefore, as a customer, I try to be as nice as possible. I do not like to ask questions anyway, or order people around, so whenever I do have to ask or order something, I address it with, "may I pretty please...". Unfortunately, as of lately, I have found that this draws too much attention to myself (apparently nobody else does this) and sometimes people will intentionally (and adamantly) reply "no" and purposely be as mean as mean as possible about it. I have been attempting to change the way I ask for things, but it has become a habit. I think I will just tell people that "I am Mars, The God of War, and I want a fucking pack of cigarettes."
3. Spacemen 3
"O.D. Catastrophe" 8:54
Sound of Confusion
Even since the age of 18, while working at Kroger in Cincinnati, I have had periods where I could not go anywhere without being spotted by customers- Asheville especially. There would be times when I would feel awkward going out because I knew too many people would talk to me because they knew me from the store. Some of these remembered me from several weeks back and would get irate if I didn't remember them.
I went out one night to see my friend's band, and some girl who I did not recognize came up and asked where she knew me from; I already knew her answer but claimed we met in Morocco in 1976. No, it was Roadrunner. She was there with another customer I did not recognize, and claimed her friend thought I was "hot", and suggested I should go talk to her. I almost told her that I thought she was hot instead, just to be a dick. But, I didn't, and went over and talked to this girl. Come to find out, she had been riding her bike by my work just to see if I was working, then went in while I was off to ask about me (my co-workers had grown tired of this, and rudely said to her, "why? Are you part of his fanclub?).
For whatever reason, I went and talked to this girl, actually grew to like her, grew to love her, and spent nearly 2 years of my life with her...her name was Jennifer Triolo. Because Jen was a customer, and somewhat of a stalker at that, I could say my life is in a current state of flux/borderline disaster #64,917 all because of a customer. So now, thanks to a customer, who is no longer around and I may never see again, I reside in Milwaukee, WI where she is somewhat from and I have no business being here. Strange how this happens. I've been planning on moving ever since.
2. Sonic Youth
"In the Kingdom #19" 3:25
New York, NY
My favorite customers are people with a twisted sense of humor- no matter how offensive (good luck trying to shock or offend me; I appreciate those with the ability to provide something different or unique), and people who are into music and movies. Smoking hot women are always welcome. I have had numerous in depth excellent conversations with customers about music and movies, and people have entered my places of employment just to talk about bands, or have me burn them a mix CD. Actually, I wouldn't mind owning my own store, that plays great music such as Sonic Youth, and people just come in and hangout and talk about topics out of the ordinary. Special thanks to all the Asheville peeps who came into my store 4 minutes after Michael Jackson died just to tell crude Michael Jackson jokes.
"Angel of Death" 4:52
Reign in Blood
Los Angeles, CA
The best customers will agree with this list of best songs of 1986 in this exact order. Or, maybe intertwine a few here and there, like maybe think Sonic Youth should be #1. Bad customers will suggest putting in a song that absolutely does not fit in the top 25, such as "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi, question why it didn't make the list, even stoop so low as to poorly sing the wretched song even worse than it already is, or claim that I have never heard it; "you gotta know Bon Jovi". Bad customers will claim that I "have" to have something from The Queen is Dead at #1 because everybody else does- no, I'm not doing things exactly like everybody else, and this isn't an assessment as to what is most popular...The Smiths did at least make the list. Dumb customers will be like: "Really? Slayer? Who's that?", or get even dumber and ask what kind of music it is, inquire what they're supposed to do with it- "can I play it at Jo Ann Fabrics?" I suggest going to Benji's Deli and asking the server "what is pastrami?"
"The Carny" 8:04
Written, Designed, and Music Compiled by Tony J. Neal
None of the original songs were ever intended to be used in this type of format.
Descriptions in no way shape or form intended to be a truthful reflection or interpretation of the song or the artist in reference.
All characters and themes completely fictitious and any similarities to actual people living or deceased are coincidental.
Band info and images provided by rateyourmusic
Playlists created on 8tracks
Other images by 7Digital.com
Special thanks to Shake It Records, Roadrunner Market, The Wisconsin Cheese Bar, every place I've ever worked, every customer I've ever had, Jennifer Triolo, City Market, Walgreens, every place I've gone into as a customer, even want to thank customers I don't like, homeless people, the guy who told me of a person named The Marauder lives next door takes people into his building and kills people and that I'm next, stores I don't really go into that much, Jo Ann Fabrics, and Pier 1 Imports. And especially, thanks to all the bands who wrote at least one good song in 1986, and anyone who reads this!
Top Image by: http://www.penncentersystems.com/images/apparel3.jpg
Bottom Image by: http://www.personal-present.net/images/istock000000614670small.jpg