Part 1: Proper Etiquette Goes Both Ways
Part 2: Life Outside the Store
Part 3: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Part 4: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Part 5: Love Affairs With Customers
Part 6: Gettin' Mutha Fuck'n Crazy at Pier 1 Imports
Part 7: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Part 8: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Part II: Life Outside the Store
Press play on the image below to listen to the songs while you read.
Baptism Under Fire
San Antonio, TX
Some positions are created with the sole description to make the lives of their customers miserable. The bank manager has the authority to make customer's lives equally devastating as a police officer delegated to writing traffic tickets. These people seemed to have forgotten about how income rolls through their establishment while they stand stone faced and deplete hard working citizens of their pay... and the customer gets absolutely nothing in return.
174. Holger Hiller
"Tiny Little Cloud" 3:22
Oben Im Eck
Hamburg, Germany/Berlin, Germany
There does exist certain people who will go out of their way to ensure their customers are truly satisfied. They do not have the components instilled into them to do evil deeds in order to obtain money. It is these people that the world will always root for; they may not be fairly compensated by their employers, but they achieve small rewards with the pride of knowing that they are truly loved in the community.
173. Kauko Röyhkä & Narttu
"Pikku Enkeli" 3:50
In an ideal world, establishments would never have to resort to instituting policies that would make customers unhappy, or have to engage in practices that unfairly swindle customers into paying excessive charges and fees. However, somewhere in the history of mankind, albeit greedy desires to get too wealthy, or because of unruly customers, there seems to be a lack of trust and the world seems to be trying to rip the other off before they themselves get ripped off.
172. Violent Femmes
Blind Leading the Naked
Due to the fact that discussions of religion are sometimes unwelcome, both employees and customers alike have a tendency to make insincere comments as if they are supporting religion. People like to joke around and laugh about religious remarks. A customer may leave, and state: "Jesus loves you", and both the customers and the employee will laugh about that for hours.
171. Anita Baker
"Caught Up in the Rapture" 5:18
Toledo, OH/Detroit, MI
In another ideal world, being a customer would always be pleasant, for people should be able to enjoy shopping, dining, or leasing a prostitute. Unfortunately, these days, due to numerous conditions, most employees do not like their jobs. If only the company paid more; if only customers had more respect in the establishment...put your clothes back after trying them on, expect a little wait at a restaurant, dress the same way for a prostitute as you would a special date with a classy celebrity.
170. Everything But the Girl
"Come On Home" 3:23
Baby, The Stars Shine Bright
Kingston Upon Hull, England
Sometimes, certain customers frequent an establishment so often that they develop a fondness for an employee of that business. People will go into this place every single day with the hopes of seeing one particular person. That is, until the day when that employee no longer works there. This may cause a sense of unknown sorrow, for there was never an exchange of personal information, and this employee will be gone forever with no clue how to ever find him/her; the customer longs for the day when the employee returns.
169. Emerson, Lake, & Powell
"Touch and Go" 3:41
Many people will go out of their way to share their personal information with an employee of a business in which they shop. Upon entering, they will introduce themselves to new employees, and talk non-stop to the staff about their families, the kids, or how Uncle Merle was killed in a farming accident. In general, the employees do not give a flying FUCK, but will happily listen anyway- because it is their job. The customer thinks they are the nicest people ever.
168. Elvis Costello and the Attractions
"Blue Chair" 3:41
Blood and Chocolate
London, England/New York, NY
For both employees and customers, spotting a person you only recognize in a customer related situation at a place other than the store where they work/shop has mixed results. In some instances though, the experience is rewarding for it is an opportunity to converse about other subjects. Numerous friendships have been formed this way; some marriages; a few menacing by stalking charges.
Beyond the Gates
San Francisco, CA
In some cases, spotting a customer or employee outside the regular establishment can be shocking, for these people only know one another from brief encounters at whatever store is involved. If a customer encountered the same lady working at Walgreen's everyday, the customer may formulate a conception about how the employee conducts her personal affairs outside of Walgreen's (or, ignore her monkey ass and simply regard her as Walgreen's furniture). But, when her most frequent customers witness her participating at the Friday Night Satan ritual, this completely alters the pre-conceived perceptions they once had for that kind smiling woman working in Health and Beauty who recently educated them about the proper usage of shampoo.
166. Cirith Ungol
"One Foot in Hell" 5:10
One Foot in Hell
On the other hand, an unsuspecting regular customer from that same Walgreen's may also be participating in the Satanic ritual, and upon spotting Pam who operates the front register, the two immediately form an everlasting true friendship, for now they have something in common (in this case, Satan). The employee will return to work more fruitful, and discuss the situation with the other employees: "Guess what? I saw Mrs. Stewart last night at my Satan ritual."
165. Poison Idea
"Made to Be Broken" 2:53
Kings of Punk
The usage of profanity can serve as an icebreaker. Some employees are expected to behave in a certain etiquette that may not be consistent with his/her natural mannerisms. But, upon hearing Mrs. Simms refer to that inconsiderate gentleman in line in front of her as a "fat fucking cockface who smells like fucking nasty shit", the employee now thinks much higher of Mrs. Simms for he/she can act more naturally.
164. Legião Urbana
"Eduardo e Monica" 4:31
Some people are, simply put, genuinely stupid. Unfortunately for the whole planet, these people are required to work somewhere, and many of them hold positions dealing with customers. And if they are not dealing with customers, they have to at least purchase some key essentials somewhere in which other people also have to frequent. Genuinely stupid people will telephone the store at the least opportune times and ask ridiculously senseless questions that do not pertain to what is currently relevant in the environment, such as... "how late ya open?" (You could have looked that up online.) Many of their complaints are their own fault, and these assholes are often the causes of long lines and delays.
163. Alaska y Dinarama
"Un Millón De Hormigas" 3:20
No es Pecado
One common trait of the genuinely stupid person is talking excessively about utter nonsense—if they were smart, they would periodically shut the fuck up and listen to somebody else for a change. But, they do not realize this, nor are they aware of their own surroundings. The genuinely stupid person is unable to figure things out for his/herself and will ask inane questions regarding typical subjects that a lab monkey could figure out, such as where is the bathroom (when it is in an obvious location) or what exactly is tuna fish? When dealing with these people, the others often struggle to avoid saying anything rude… such as, tuna is a canned meat product with a smell that resembles your panties.
162. Patricio Rey y sus Redonditos de Ricota
"Fuegos De Octubre" 3:42
Buenos Aires, Argentina
You can't help but wonder why certain people choose particular establishments in channel all of their personal matters onto that place's employees. Then, you have to wonder how many other establishments this person does the exact same thing. And, if anybody living anywhere near the region has any sincere interest in this person's personal matters. More than likely not; therefore Fred has to discuss his personal struggles with erectile dysfunction with Mona, some woman he barely even knows, and just happened to be cashiering that day at Auntie Em’s Pretzels.
161. Leevi and the Leavings
"Kiinalaisessa Pesulassa" 3:22
Perjantai 14. Päivä
Some customers will enter a place of business and express changes they would like to see implemented, products the company should offer, or suggest a different way of providing services. When these changes are not enacted, these customers will still bitterly shop at this establishment while resenting the fact that everybody else seems happy and the company is doing well. Why wouldn't they shop somewhere else, where the changes they want implemented are already in place? Why? Because this asshole is too God damn stupid to realize that there are other options available, and assumed this other business sold defective merchandise based on a testimony from somebody equally stupid.
"Brate Mich auf Offenem Feuer" 3:42
Melchior (Aufmarsch der Schlampen)
Some people enter a store/restaurant so often that they are on a first name basis with every single person in the place. Furthermore, every employee knows all of his personal business too. Some random guy in line at the bank was like this, and said goodbye to all the other employees before leaving, and even tried to tell me about his health conditions and how he wants to go fishing. Every single person at Waffle House is like this, hence Waffle House is the 3rd largest cult following in America.
159. Dayglo Abortions
"Religious Bumfucks" 1:45
Feed Us a Fetus
Victoria, BC Canada
Many customers discuss their own personal religious beliefs with store's employees. They will hand out pamphlets; they will invite the workers to attend their church; they will leave the store by saying: "have a blessed day!" Things I've heard: "You know who I love?" ..."Who?"..."Jesus."; "Tony, I heard something bad about you the other day. I heard you weren't committed to serving Jesus. We have to work on this."
158. Shop Assistants
"After Dark" 2:36
Will Anything Happen
It is the opinion of some people that certain stores should never be permitted to close; that the employees working at these establishments should be willing to stay as late as forever… because these employees are obviously low paid losers, cannot afford to do anything else, and that their only friends are the good paying customers who linger around after hours. These customers will take their time inside a store that is closed, and even request special services that are a major inconvenience to the store's personnel. There is no way possible that these employees would desire to leave, or loathe this pathetic low paying job, and wish malicious abominations towards the inconsiderate fuckface prolonging their agony by keeping them hostage in this God damn, mother fucking, shitty ass, dog shit smelling, fucking disgraceful piece of shit fucking God damn shit reeking fucking degenerate ass vile of a wretched definition of HELL (Pick ‘N’ Save).
157. The Woodentops
"Last Time" 4:10
All the time- every single day- everywhere: People insist on entering an establishment and do not have the ample time required to be in that place. They let it be known that they are in hurry. These customers make unreasonable demands, insist that they are far more important than any of the other customers, and expect the employees to work at a much faster pace than he/she has ever worked in order to satisfy their needs. Then, these same customers get in their cars and drive painstakingly slow, cause traffic delays, and it becomes obvious that their own person sloth is what created the need for every other person's haste.
156. Dorsal Atlântica
Antes Do Fim
Rio De Janiero, Brazil
Customers engaging in physical brawls with other customers are increasingly common in many areas, especially when alcohol is involved. There are numerous instances in which some customers disagree with other customers that intense fighting ensues. This is relatively common in bars, but places such as Target, Jo-Ann Fabrics, and any establishment that offers Senior Citizen Discount Day has been greatly affected as well. Early morning shopping on Black Friday has become so dangerous, that is common to see 60 year old women later in the afternoon with black eyes, talking about some bitch she fucked up at Wal Mart over a DVD Player that was on sale for $22.99 if they arrived before 5:00 AM (regular price of the same DVD Player—$23.99).
155. The Cynics
"Road Block" 7:06
Blue Train Station
Street festivals featuring beer, music, etc... huge brawls are common. But, street sales, that's another story. Customers will bicker with other customers about what they purchased from the discount rack, what one person found on a special one-time-only sale, and who got the very last remaining item. Sometimes, this happens when the temperature is 92°- Mrs. Adams whacked Mrs. Pucket over the back of her head with her Pier 1 Imports bag, Mrs. Evans jumped in, beat Mrs. Pucket's face in with these shoes she was trying on- it all escalated from there. When the police arrived, Mrs. Evans had Mrs. Pucket in the full-nelson, and Mrs. Adams was upper-cutting her in the stomach, demanding that she "talk"... Who gave you that coupon? Bitch!
154. No Trend
"Angel Down We Go" 4:56
Tritonian Nash-Vegas Polyester Complex
Customers sometimes become hostile towards the employees. If a customer becomes dissatisfied, they will threaten the store's employees with violence. This is somewhat tolerable if a great injustice had taken place, and it was expressed to the right person. However, most times it is not, and customers grow violent for minute reasons, and take out their frustrations by grabbing Margaret in accessories by the back of the head, and tossing her into the rack where the new style of purses were supposed to be, but had sold out. Margaret didn't order any of this shit, and this God damned twit is getting all bent out of shape over rubbish.
153. Youth of Today
"Take a Stand" 1:41
Break Down the Walls
New York, NY
In many cases, the employees will retaliate against hostility with more hostility. If a customer makes a threat, he/she will return even more diabolical threats. Margaret from accessories picked herself up from that sales rack, stormed over to sporting goods and grabbed a tennis racket, tracked down her assailant, and proceeded to beat her senselessly right in front of her children in the aisle that contained the garbage bags, lunch bags, and all that other shit that people frequently ask about; that's even where an extra display of that disputed purse was...too bad this "dirty slut" (as Margaret referred to her)no longer had any use for it. Margaret even dragged her by the hair into the bathroom, and pissed in her purse, then dumped the soaked contents on her face.
"Goodnight Irene" 2:20
The Texas Campfire Tapes
Dallas, TX/Los Angeles, CA
When certain people frequent an establishment too often, they assume the status of “privileged customer” and think they have the right to make special demands, odd requests, and become too involved in complicated matters that should be of no concern to them. Even though they spend money in the store, they are still not well liked. Eventually, these people get banned, and any attempt to enter will result in criminal trespassing. Sometimes, they come back and apologize because they are sad, sad because they can't shop there anymore. Fucking bastards.
151. Robyn Hitchcock and The Egyptians
Element of Light
Several customers utilize some establishments for their own personal needs. These people hang out in coffee shops for hours working on their computers- having spent $3.16. The selection of places people choose to only use the restroom is a puzzling one. How many people enter an insurance office just to use the restroom- then piss all over the seat and vomit on the floor? Some people become harshly angry when a business doesn't provide personal services- such as furnishing rolls of quarters to fucking scuzz buckets who haven't done any laundry in months, or charging their cell phones, or if the clerk will take care of some dry cleaning errands and maybe watch the kids for a few. People simply don't request this shit at insurance offices. Insurance office employees have no idea how lucky they have it. But, I am sure they too have a story of some customer they once had to deal with; frequently asked questions; customers who constantly bitch about how much their rates soared after their 3rd D.U.I.
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