Part 1: Dominicus Humanus
Part 2: Hostage Situation
Part 3: Lorenzo & The George Foreman Grills
Part 4: 902 Staghorn
Part 5: Plots Against the Pattern
Part 6: September 9th, 2001
Part 7: September 10th, 2001
Part 8: And Everything Shall Remain Exactly the Same
Part III: Lorenzo & The George Foreman Grills
Welcome to 2001, the year an event or two may or may not have happened. To hear this first selection of songs, press play on the image below:
150. The Dismemberment Plan
"Sentimental Man" 4:16
He opened the package, and there it was. At last, the moment had arrived. The wait was over, and the anticipation had been huge. Now, like the rest of his friends, he too had a George Foreman Grill. All the hard work had finally paid off, his life was complete again. What he could achieve now was limitless, his life knew no limitations whatsoever, and this served as proof.
"Pyramid Song" 4:48
"You gotta get you one of these," his neighbor Lorenzo told him. They're great, everybody is using them nowadays. Yes, you're right Lorenzo, I do have to get me one. And, I will stop at nothing until I have one. If everybody else has something, he had to have it too, even if he had no use for it. His earnings went to the shop owner, to have all the same things that everybody else had, because they insisted that he had to get one. He felt as if: if they had something, and he didn't, he was a lesser person.
"Don't Let Go" 3:01
Los Angeles, CA
He could now enjoy elite status because he had a George Foreman Grill. The neighbors no longer had anything on him, no, not now, he has the George Foreman Grill too. Success could now be defined, he would be the worship of the whole community, and anyone who didn't have a George Foreman Grill was but a peasant. The women adore him, now, he had what it took to lure anybody into his home- everyone else, competitors, had nothing to offer at this moment.
147. The Von Bondies
"Nite Train" 3:30
Lack of Communication
But, he had to have more, more than them, be better than them. He went to the shop owner and did the unthinkable, he purchased a 2nd George Foreman Grill. Lorenzo came over, and all he did was brag to Lorenzo that now he has two George Foreman Grills, that pathetic piece of shit only had one. For his first George Foreman Grill, he cooked steaks, big fat juicy steaks that he got from the shop keeper, the most expensive cuts. The 2nd George Foreman Grill, he cooked the sides. He even cooked shit out of a box on the George Foreman Grill.
146. Burning Brides
"If I'm a Man" 3:43
Fall of the Plastic Empire
When Lorenzo got a new cell phone, he got a new cell phone. When Paul bought a new car, he got a new car. When Adam got a venereal disease from a hooker, he got a venereal disease from a hooker. He wanted what they wanted, exactly. Having what they had was essential, not having something they had meant they had the right to belittle him in the same way he belittles the people who works for him for not having what he has, for not being able to afford it. They can't afford because he doesn't pay them enough to afford it, and few rarely stick around to hear him boast about another product- most of his employees last but a couple weeks before they quit.
145. The Kingsbury Manx
"Et Tu Kittie" 2:25
Let You Down
Chapel Hill, NC
If somebody owned something that impressed others, to the extreme it would be a topic of discussion, he would get depressed, wonder why he wasn't important. He failed to impress anybody with original concepts or brilliant intellect; it had to be items in which he owned. This is what made people interested in him; go to a club, he couldn't dance, he couldn't talk, but he had the new PlayStation 13, and two George Foreman Grills, people will come over.
144. Black Twig Pickers
"Isak's Blues No. 2" 1:46
North Fork Flyer
Because he depended solely on possessing material objects in order to impress people, he devised shrewd tactics to obtain these products. His wealth was not shared, his employees were paid minimum wage, his store was the most expensive shop on 5th & Average. The one thing he had in common-- with all other shop owners being exactly like this; it was a contest to see who score the most impressive gadgets.
"No Defence" 5:20
Hemel Hempstead, England
He had lots of girlfriends. His pick-up lines were talking about the things that he had. His girlfriends-- strictly the types who were impressed about that kind of shit. The car he drove! Women wanted to be with him because he owned his shop, owned his home, owned two George Foreman Grills. Personality wise-- not much, people who really knew him, despised him- hence the turnover in personnel. Looks, looks alone would get him nowhere, but it doesn't get anybody anywhere, he states. Property ownership, that is all women are really concerned with- statistically speaking, he is right.
142. Secret Chiefs 3
"The Owl In Daylight" 3:56
Book Of Horizons
San Francisco, CA
Many of the products in his home, he has no idea how to even use. He is far from computer savvy, yet has a multitude of devices that fall under the category of advanced technology- most have never been used. He sucks at all the latest games, yet has the entire collection for the new PlayStation 49, which just came out today. The mother fucker can't even cook, eats out most of the time, and now he just purchased his 3rd George Foreman Grill.
"Waving Scientist @ Frog King" 3:58
Back to the Mono Kero
He's a compulsive liar, tells people he's an expert at a wide array of topics, because he owns the product and read the back of the box. Lorenzo got a samurai sword as a gift, he needed one too. He lies and tells all these girls who come over that he's a black belt in karate and highly trained in martial arts, the pansy runs to the police over any sort of confrontation whatsoever. He tells everybody that he has the all time record for this game for PlayStation 82, which comes out tomorrow.
140. Spring Heel Jack
It occurred to him that he wasn't the first person on the block to have a George Foreman Grill, so now maybe it is time to shut them up. Soon, he had a George Foreman Grill in every room. There was a George Foreman Grill in the yard decorated for Halloween. There was George Foreman Grill in the bathroom, in case somebody wanted to cook cheeseburgers in the bathtub. He had a George Foreman Grill in the garage, in case it rained, the cookout could be moved indoors. Several George Foreman Grills remained in the box.
139. Action Figure Party
"The Clapper" 4:55
Los Angeles, CA
That weekend, he went shopping. He drove around town, all over town, on all the corners of 5th and Average, and purchased every single George Foreman Grill he could find; filled his whole trunk full of them. In each shop, he would attempt to swindle the clerk into giving him a discount. And if they jacked up the prices, he would buy it anyway. Nobody else was to ever have another George Foreman Grill, he was the only one, and the world would love him, and be jealous at the same time...like they supposedly do now.
138. Rae & Christian
He spent days talking for hours about how great the George Foreman Grill was, told people how they had to have one. Marjorie agreed, she wanted one too. But, there was no place to get one. Every store was sold out. Because Marjorie could not obtain a George Foreman Grill, she assumed nobody liked her. It was obvious now why her own children could not even stand the sight of her. The worthless bitch did not have a George Foreman Grill. She went into a state of depression and had her pharmacist prescribe pills that few could even afford, would be illegal to others- there wasn't even anything wrong with her.
137. Bardo Pond
"Two Planes" 7:26
Lorenzo came over, there were George Foreman Grills everywhere. By this point there were thousands of them. He had stacks everywhere, he was stashing them into cabinets, underneath desks, underneath the obsolete Nintendo64 #81, which came out last month. It was as if Lorenzo got creeped out by the whole ordeal, there were George Foreman Grills hanging on the wall, in the fish aquarium, one hung from the ceiling next to the chandelier. Lorenzo said that he should not go overboard with the George Foreman Grills, not everyone else is. It was a scary sight of obsession.
136. Chicago Underground Quartet
"Three in the Morning" 5:18
No Lorenzo, I'll do as you say. He took off work, withdrew his money. He went out and purchased all the exact same furniture that Lorenzo had, purchased the exact same car, same year/same shit in the glove box, purchased all the exact same clothes that Lorenzo wore, and even had some people come over and fix the exterior of his home to look exactly like Lorenzo's. The garden was decorated exactly like Lorenzo's, he even moved the shed out back to the exact same spot Lorenzo had his shed. By the end of the week, the two homes looked exactly the same, there was no way to tell them apart, same car in the driveway, same driveway.
135. Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire
"Fatal Flower Garden" 4:44
The Swimming Hour
Lorenzo was irritated that he replicated his own home. Although Lorenzo was happy with his home, he changed it, because he did not want it to be exactly like his. Lorenzo went out and bought expensive plants, put them in his garden. Got a new car. Painted the garage. He was sitting inside cooking Peking Duck on the George Foreman Grill, watching The Price is Right on his 197" flat-screen TV, enthusiastically rooting for any person who bid $1 more than the previous person, when he saw Lorenzo acting suspiciously. He called people on his new phone, repairmen, laborers, so the home could again look exactly like Lorenzo's.
Record in Red
His store looked exactly like the other stores. It sold the exact same products as the competitors, it sold what they said he was supposed to sell. They were displayed exactly like the other stores, displayed how they said it should be displayed in Chapter 9 of Dominicus Humanus. The employees were required to wear a uniform, just like the ones the other people had to wear- cheap uniforms, itchy, made the employees look like degenerate bastards who could not afford a George Foreman Grill. Except he wore the finest clothes to work, the clothes Lorenzo picked out for him, the same clothes as the other shop owners, conservative, conventional, outlined in the manual, Chapter 3, Proper Dress Attire.
"It's a Wonderful Life" 2:59
It's a Wonderful Life
There were shops that made money selling items he could not carry in his store. It was suggested that he get one of these stores, that's where the money is! So, he started buying other businesses, shops he did not know anything about. He knew nothing about auto repair, yet purchased a repair shop; he knew nothing about the pizza business, bought out a pizza place to taste like every other pizza; he didn't know jack shit about music, yet purchased a radio station, several of them. Once he bought a new shop, business, industry, he applied the exact same standards as in the manual, conservative, conventional, cheap uniforms, cheap products, low wages, expensive prices.
132. Crooked Fingers
"Doctors of Deliverance" 5:15
Bring on the Snakes
Chapel Hill, NC
His donuts weren't even any good, he cooked them on The George Foreman Grill. The donuts made with the exact same recipe as in the manual- conventional, conservative. All employees had to make the donuts exactly the same, exactly like this conservative method, any person does otherwise, will be fired from their minimum wage job and it would look horrendous trying to obtain another job- the author of the book can intervene on this. All the conventional donuts shall be sold at all the conventional shops, because he owns several of them, they will all feature his products, his donuts, all that follow exactly like the manual, like Lorenzo.
"Fisherman's Wife" 4:30
Soon he wished to have Lorenzo's wife. He wanted Lorenzo's kids. He wanted everybody else's kids too. He attempted to lure them into his home with his George Foreman Grill collection. And if that didn't work, he could belittle their parents, Lorenzo's wife, because they did not have a multitude of George Foreman Grills, because their donuts weren't sold at all the shops he governed, they did not have what he had. Because he had obtained the music industry and the media, he could preach the Dominicus Humanus doctrine, all would have to obey, and cherish the lifestyle of 5th and Average. This was the role of the television commentator, all the announcers, the commercials.
After he completely had a firm grip on every single George Foreman Grill manageable, and the company who produced them, he put the George Foreman Grill back on the market, for $24,813. It shun brightly in his shop, they all wanted it. He promoted the George Foreman Grill on his television stations, in his tabloid magazines, it was the object of envy, the only thing that mattered; only those with pristine characteristics could ever obtain something so valuable: those who opted to be exactly like Lorenzo, winning contestants on American Idol, and manufacturers of other brainless non-offensive other shop owners paid to have played on his radio stations- alongside nothing competitive nor too disruptive.
129. Antibalas' Afrobeat Orchestra
"N.E.S.T.A. (Never Ever Submit to Authority)" 7:18
Liberation Afro Beat, Vol. 1
Then came the time that nobody could afford a George Foreman Grill, the only other people that had them were those shop owners who were exactly like his shops, like Lorenzo's. With the money he generated from selling a few George Foreman Grills here and there, he could spend on other items he was supposed to have. But then came the uproar on 5th and Average. The people in uniforms felt as if he had stolen from them, so they stole back. In the midst of civil disobedience, his shop was looted. But he had security, who's sole purpose was to protect his George Foreman Grills.
Things We Lost in the Fire
The trend would continue. The people in uniforms felt as if he had stolen from them, so they stole back. They could no longer afford the George Foreman Grill, yet they were the one's making it, selling it, repairing it. He had done nothing for the advancement of the George Foreman Grill, simply purchased them all. The patrons on 5th and Average stopped paying their bills, the wages he was paying them were no longer efficient enough to support the prices he was charging them. And, his donuts sucked. His stores sucked. The music on his channel sucked. Nobody was even sure how this illiterate fuck was able to obtain so much in the first place.
127. Lupine Howl
The Carnivorous Lunar Activities of Lupine Howl
Dominicus Humanus declares there can never be a successful rebellion against him. He did not have to pay any taxes whatsoever, the governor's gave him tax breaks, it appeared he was that important. Yet, when his businesses began failing because the shop employees could no longer give him anymore money, the government cut him a check- taxpayer dollars, a bailout, his television program deemed it necessary. The heroes would be willing to go to war, kill other people, die for it, to preserve his George Foreman Grill, and to ensure another group shall never have it. Any disagreement would be deemed as unruly, unpatriotic, sac-religious, potential cult leader, sex offender, white trash imbecile who does not support America.
126. Acid Mothers Temple
"Occie Lady" 8:31
Neo Geocentric World
Lorenzo came over, there was a funny smell in the house. He was cooking something in the George Foreman Grills, all of them something special. He invited Lorenzo in for dinner. He invited Lorenzo's wife, Lorenzo's kids. But, they had not yet come home. Where were they? Lorenzo did not know, probably be home soon. But they won't. He knows where they are. He had dismembered them, cut them up into pieces, and was cooking small portions of Lorenzo's wife and kids on all the George Foreman Grills. He raised the cover, there was Lorenzo's wife's head cooking in the George Foreman Grill. Finally, he had everything.
Top Image by: Lisa Weidknecht
Bottom Image by: PinkBlueLovesCute
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