Part 1: Previews of Coming Attractions
Part 2: Muff Stench Hysteria
Part 3: Doctor Visits Shrink
Part 4: Sausage Controversy
Part 5: Customer Appreciation Party
Part 6: Zubar's Curse
Part 7: The Gynecologist's Bad Acid Trip
Part II: Muff Stench Hysteria
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
150. Chet Atkins
"Why Worry" 6:13
Luttrell, TN (1924)-Nashville, TN (2001)
NARRATOR: (VO, cheerful and pleasant like a 50's sitcom) "Meet Jim. Jim is a mechanic at the local auto dealership. For the most part, Jim is a happy man; he likes his job, has a great family, a wife, kids, good parents- all that wonderful shit that defines the real American dream. His family members frequently visit Jim at the shop... sometimes just to hang with Jim. Jim's mother will only allow her wonderful son to perform the necessary repairs on her car-- right here, at the local auto dealership. Jim's dad enters and simply borrows tools to do his own work- they allow this because the community likes Jim, and Jim's family.
Being a mechanic has some peculiar social settings associated with it. While at parties, people will expect Jim to go outside to the driveway and "have a look" at the car if it is encountering problems; some will even sound out the noises the vehicle making and the impersonations are often comical. Friends will even bring their vehicles over to Jim's personal home to investigate any potential troubles. Or, if friends purchase a new car, whether it be an antique collector's item, a luxurious new car, or old worn out piece of shit, these friends will pay Jim visit and show off the new ride while seeking Jim's approval. Jim even reads magazines about cars.
All of the aforementioned daily occurrences take place in Dr. Pritchard's life also. However, he is not a mechanic, he is a gynecologist. But, like with Jim's occupation, friends expect discounts, mom comes to visit, people sound out their problems while insisting he have a look at things during social gatherings. It's all just like being a mechanic. Dr. Pritchard even reads magazines that pertain to his field.
Unlike Jim, Dr. Pritchard is not always happy. He was never married, no kids, and is on the verge of insanity. His clinic isn't exactly normal, and his clientele are far from ordinary. Dr. Pritchard often wishes he held a different occupation. Even though Dr. Pritchard is thoroughly loved in the community, their fondness has made conditions worse.
Here lately, the mental restraints from dealing with his patients have been taking its toll on the troubled hero. A lot of people feel this way with their jobs and that's why they call this problem... Job Related Stress. Job Related Stress can be more traumatic when it strikes... a gynecologist."
"For the Love of Money" 5:12
Methods of Madness
New Haven, CT
Dr. Pritchard's Clinic
Starring: somebody who looks like this as Dr. Pritchard.
A bunch of freaks and weirdos as the patients; ultra-conservative old people as the other doctors; special appearance by a bush tribe in Africa; and a lot of other people.
148. King Diamond
Normally, gynecology clinics are not open the day after Thanksgiving, why this one opened was a mystery. It was as if nobody went to the mall, or, it was as if Dr. Pritchard's Clinic was having some ridiculous sale on Gynecology practices; a coupon for a discounted pap smear should the customer arrive early. Jonathan Pritchard arrived to work hoping it would be an easy day; instead it was the opposite. The waiting room was crammed full with all the degenerates he called his patients. He did not feel like dealing with any of them and visualized the occurrences of various natural disasters that could potentially close the shop early; images of destructive tornadoes sweeping through the parking was the only thing that provided a glimpse of hope.
"24 Hours Ago" 4:57
Hall of the Mountain King
Dr. Pritchard had spent Thanksgiving all alone. He did manage to remain completely stoned from the sweet potato pie that he baked and laced with quality green tobacco. As a result of the delicious pie, he stayed awake significantly later than he should have, ignoring pieces of his life that did not seem to fit while not giving any fuck whatsoever where it all went wrong. He avoided all phone contact with the human race and declared that he was boycotting Thanksgiving due to the fact that he did not agree with any of the principles involved. Furthermore, he did not like his family's cooking and the mere thought of it induced several guzzles of The Knot Irish Whiskey (straight out of the bottle that he kept in the kitchen wrapped in a brown paper bag.) The whiskey might assist with dealing with customers, but his current hangover only made matters worse.
The Poison Boyfriend
Paisley, Scotland/Paris, France
None of these people had appointments, and had been lined up outside in the parking lot ever since 4:00 AM. They immediately stormed inside the door the moment the receptionist opened it at 9:00 AM while bickering, hollering, and fighting for position. Dr. Pritchard was late, as usual, and did not arrive until 9:18. When he finally entered, the scene in the office was total chaos and everybody began yelling inaudible complaints at once. Dr. Pritchard gave the waiting room one glance and then ignored all of the ruckus. Without saying a single word to any of them, he simply walked away, went into the bathroom, and calmly took a shit, while the entire waiting room was in a state of panic. He flushed, walked out, and stated to the nurse that he would be back in the office... without addressing any of the patients.
Under the Sign of the Black Mark
Sheer madness was still unfolding in the waiting office. Apparently, the community had been stricken with some sort of a strange epidemic. All the patients were complaining about pains and various other discomforts; they regarded the severity of the urgent situation as a medical emergency. The receptionist attempted to decipher through all the craziness taking place, but it became such a frenzy that a riot nearly erupted. It was like this last Friday too... and pretty much every other Friday since the joint opened.
144. Lääz Rockit
"Self Destruct" 5:38
Know Your Enemy
Dr. Pritchard stood anxiously by the office door. He was attempting to devise a strategy to escape this lunacy; he could not stand to be employed in this line of work for even 5 more minutes. Part of him wished that he could move the Gynecology Office to a nice resort on the beach, that away it could possibly be struck by a Level 5 Hurricane. Smoking was not permitted in the office, but he did it anyway; he simply opened the window and blew a portion of the smoke outside. As he fantasized about climbing out the window and speeding away in his car while picturing the stupid looks all the confused customer's faces who had no clue why he left, he simply flicked his ashes into a glass specimen jar. Perhaps he needed a therapist, but he did not wish to stop smoking weed. Then he remembered that he kept a spare bottle of The Knot in one of the cabinets.
143. Mucky Pup
Can't You Take a Joke?
The patients finally crashed the gates, stormed to office area, and frantically pounded on Dr. Pritchard's door. He opened it calmly just to be bombarded with a hostile mob of frenzied patients complaining about an emergency involving their vagina ("muffs" as they are referred to as in Dr. Pritchard's clinic.) Mrs. Peterson happened to be the lucky one he saw first. He pulled her into the office and requested everyone else to return to the waiting area and assist with putting up the Christmas decorations in the office... even though he knew they would not listen. "What the fuck's wrong with you people? Go away!" His command might have sounded angry, but they ignored the antagonism in his tone and proceeded to shout out their vaginal problems all at once. He calmly slammed the door in their faces and tended Mrs. Peterson.
142. Cosmic Psychos
Mrs. Peterson sounded as if she were in dire pain. "Oww, Dr. Pritchard, my muff is hurtin' bad. I think the cancer got me. I think I got the cancer of the uterus, I got cancer all over my muff. You're gonna have to look at it." The 53 year old woman stripped off all of her clothes without being asked to do so, and sat herself in the chair, butt naked, with her legs propped up in the hoists. "Just look at my muff Doctor, it's hurting bad."
"Do Ani" 4:11
Posłuchaj to do Ciebie
The 48 year old obese Judith entered next: "Dr. Pritchard, I think it must be something I ate. I got up this morning and my muff smelled like a turkey sandwich, I didn't even stick nothing up there this time. Here, smell." She extended her finger for Dr. Pritchard to smell it; he tried not to gag. Judith didn't get on the chair, she raised up her skirt, and told Dr. Pritchard, "just look down there and see if you can tell where the smell is coming from."
140. The Ex
"Butter or Bombs" 4:12
Too Many Cowboys
Mrs. Kelly sang in the choir at the church. She noticed that Dr. Pritchard was not well these days and declared that Jesus could help. During her vaginal exams, she reminded Dr. Pritchard that he needed to attend church more often. He went to church one time, and that's how he officially met Mrs. Kelly. One week later, the kind woman from the church choir was in his office having her muff examined. Coincidentally, Mrs. Kelly, like Judith before her, was also complaining that her muff smelled like turkey. However, unlike Judith, Mrs. Kelly was not suspect to have sexual experiments with a turkey leg. And yes, Dr. Pritchard agreed with her that her muff did in fact smell like turkey.
"Troops of Doom" 3:18
Belo Horizonte, Brazil
Dorothy and Margaret battled ferociously at the door as they were both attempting to enter at the exact same time. During the scuffle, Dorothy slapped the 55 year old Margaret, ripped open her blouse, kneed her in the face, and then shoved her to the ground; she hastily rushed into the office while Margaret was crawling across the carpet in agony. "Doctor, got something wrong with my muff! It's got some weird fluid oozing from it, I need you to look at it right away. I gotta get to the mall, and can't be standing in line with no fluid running out of my muff. It's getting all over the damn place." Her purse was filled with tissues that she had used to wipe away the turkey scented vaginal fluid that had been oozing out of her muff.
138. Black Sabbath
"Eternal Idol" 6:33
The Eternal Idol
Dr. Pritchard was clueless as what caused this dreadful epidemic. In all of his years of practicing Gynecology, he had never even heard such a thing, let alone how to remedy it. He did not care either, and was not overly concerned. Perhaps this was a sign that the world was coming to an end; this was the wrath of God forbearing punishment onto the Earth by poisoning the sinful muffs to smell like leftover Thanksgiving turkey on Black Friday... that God was now willing to mysteriously do whatever it takes to keep these women out of the mall to waste money on other white people for his son's birthday. Unfortunately, Dr. Pritchard wished they were at the mall as opposed to bothering him with this foolishness. The mysterious epidemic was also punishment to him for his rambunctious lifestyle.
137. Deep Purple
"Mitzi Dupree" 5:05
The House of Blue Light
Dr. Pritchard's life outside the clinic is not one considered moral to the easily offended; often considered extravagant to those who cite "thrill seeking" as an endearing quality. A few years ago, he had sex with a slutty stripper during a several day drinking binge. The stripper was an easy target who had been around quite a bit; the type that was easily enamored with the concept of free drinks. Due to the fact that she had been drinking in excess, she knew little about Dr. Pritchard and was unaware that he was a gynecologist. The following day after he fucked her, she made an appointment at a Gynecology Clinic she randomly found in the phone book. Come to find out, it was Dr. Pritchard's clinic, and the cause of her muff irritation was a sexually transmitted disease. Knowing that this STD was contagious, following her visit, Dr. Pritchard prescribed himself the necessary antibiotics as well. The slutty stripper showed up again with her panties smelling like turkey gravy. Fortunately, he knew that an epidemic was rampant, and therefore he did not need to prescribe STD medication to a turkey... or any of her family members for that matter.
See How We Are
Los Angeles, CA
Unfortunately, Dr. Pritchard was not gay and possessed a healthy sex drive. As with every other profession on the planet, he too found some of his customers sexually attractive. Lindsey was the patient he considered the most appealing and had delved into several erotic fantasies involving her. She had recently turned 21 and Dr. Pritchard eagerly anticipated discovering her at a bar so the two of them could share a bottle of The Knot Irish Whiskey together. Everything she wore to her appointments was incredibly sexy and her body was what Dr. Pritchard considered perfect. He found it increasingly difficult to not get aroused while examining her muff; business casual slacks do not effective conceal an erection either. Even when Lindsey's tight muff smelled like turkey, it still looked fabulous.
"Losers Town" 3:02
Portland, OR/Phoenix, AZ
All of the patients congregated in the waiting area to discuss the pressing concerns of the epidemic. They were sharing the symptoms they were experiencing while showing each other their muffs. The ladies smelled each other's muffs in order to determine if the stench of turkey resembled the scent emitting from their own muffs. Many of the women were baffled about the smell Mrs. Henderson's muff, claiming they sensed a hint of mashed potatoes in there. Eventually, every patient was prancing around the waiting area in their panties, cracking sick jokes about the odorous condition of their muffs. "I'm just going to tell Harold... you want some leftover turkey? (Forcefully grabs her crotch) Then chow down on this... nigger!" The lady who said this was a middle aged white woman; the black ladies in the office laughed the loudest. They were all close friends.
134. Hüsker Dü
"No Reservations" 3:44
Warehouse: Songs and Stories
To his knowledge, there had never been an outbreak of muffs inflicted with the smell of turkey in the entire history of muffkind. For all he knew, this was common; the doctor had never paid any attention to the smell of muffs during Thanksgiving; perhaps another reason he should boycott the holiday. Dr. Pritchard had no idea how to diagnose the problem, and finally informed the patients that this condition was completely normal and even an improvement with several of them... their muffs will return to its previous wretched state in a few short days. For his miraculous prescription: he told them that if they were that concerned, they could spray Lysol on their muffs.
133. Circle Jerks
"Status Clinger" 2:44
Hermosa Beach, CA/Los Angeles, CA
The patients were not overly satisfied with the diagnosis. They suggested that this catastrophe was something more serious, and that "they" (whoever "they" is) should make some sort of "muff medicine" that he could prescribe to them to cure this ailment. He told them that the Lysol was the appropriate "muff medicine" and it could be easily purchased at any Walgreen's without a prescription. However, the questions kept coming until Dr. Pritchard grew impatiently frustrated and declared the office was closed; he insisted they all had to leave. He couldn't take these people anymore, although none of them left right away.
"It's the End of the World as We Know It" 4:07
Dr. Pritchard lit up a cigarette in the office, right in front of all them, which caused an entirely new series of complaints. A few of the other women also lit up cigarettes and the waiting area became filled with smoke. Maybe, he thought, that these series of complaints was but a behavioral reaction caused by the turkey stench emitting from their muffs. There also lingered the possibility that every single woman in the world as we knew it had a muff that smelled like turkey- except vegetarians, and there muffs smelled like broccoli casserole. With that notion, he devised the solution that could potentially rid his office of all of these odoriferous buffoons. They rapture was coming... this is how the world would ultimately end. And now, Dr. Pritchard's clinic would be rid of all persons who celebrated the ludicrous holiday known as Thanksgiving, and that included the vegetarians too.
"Feed Me" 6:00
The Ideal Copy
Rather than gleefully preach that the world was finally coming to an end, the distraught gynecologist attempted to calm the situation that was increasingly growing out of hand. He suggested the patients should view this problematic epidemic as a blessing; maybe an assortment other foods could effectively compliment the smell. As a kind gesture, Dr. Pritchard developed a chart indicating foods would have a pleasant aroma, as well as a list of which foods to avoid. Coleslaw was definitely a food that they should avoid at all costs. The clinic adopted a new slogan "a muff that smells like raisin toast is a happy muff."
130. Faith No More
"We Care a Lot" 4:02
San Francisco, CA
In the midst of total chaos, Dr. Pritchard finally raised his voice to the mob. Once he garnered all of their attention, he asked them why they even cared if their muffs smelled like turkey? It suddenly grew quiet as everybody looked around at one another searching for the answer. Martha shrugged her shoulders, and declared, "fuck it." In unison, they all agreed; indeed, this could be a blessing. Ultimately, the patients were either no longer concerned with the sudden stench of their muffs or considered other options in which they could explore; half wanted muffs elegant fragrances while others wanted as horrendous smelling as possible to initiate revenge on their husbands. Conclusively, they all left at once.
"Nations Prosperity" 4:31
M.A.N. (Military Affairs Neurotic)
Although order was restored in the clinic, Dr. Pritchard's personal life was still plagued with a multitude of complications. There had numerous issues mounting, and his job rarely ended at the clinic. On the way home, he was pulled over by the police for speeding again, and this one would be costly to his insurance premium. The arresting officer absolutely despised Dr. Pritchard because he had seen his wife's bare muff and had even touched it. The jealous cop had repeatedly insisted that there were extraneous affairs taking place between the two of them as a result. The officer not only ticketed him, but searched his vehicle and required him to conduct a drunk test.
"Behind the Mirror" 4:32
Once he returned home, there were several messages on his answering machine (set in 1987- these things were in their prime) from other patients with various complaints about their muffs. As the machine played the dozens of messages, many of them saying, "Dr. Pritchard, my muff stinks. If I could make an appointment for you have a sniff of this thing, I would greatly appreciate it," Dr. Pritchard questioned his role in this life, and was losing grips with his sanity due to his stressful job, the people he had to deal with, and his increasing list of personal issues.
127. Death Angel
"Mistress of Pain" 4:04
San Francisco, CA
Jenny and Sara knocked on Dr. Pritchard's door; they were a mother and daughter combo who lived next door. Dr. Pritchard invited them inside and hoped this visit would not entail any work related issues. After a brief discussion regarding how Bernie from across the street was unjustly dismissed from the Cheerios factory, sure enough, the conversation quickly switched to a detailed discussion regarding their muffs. Both of their muffs were omitting a bizarre odor, but it was not the stench of turkey. The mother and daughter had smelt each other's muffs prior to visiting the doctor at his home, and declared each one had a different distinct smell.
The mother and daughter removed their panties to enable Dr. Pritchard to have whiff of their muffs, and he sniffed attentively while the two women were spread out on the sofa. He asked them what they had eaten for Thanksgiving dinner and they claimed that they had no idea what it was. They had gone over to their Aunt Marlene's house, who was a dirty ass hippy vegetarian, and the two girls could only describe the dish as "some rotten bullshit." Dr. Pritchard had his face buried in their muffs attempting to distinguish what exactly the smell was when the recently unemployed Bernie from across the street arrived and witnessed the spectacle.
"Shark Attack" 3:46
Bernie entered Dr. Pritchard's home without even knocking. He knew exactly what was happening because he claimed that his sister's muff had a worse odor than normal; "I mean her muff usually does stink, but God Damn! I don't know how it smelled like turkey, that was weird." Bernie also took a sniff of Jenny and Sara's muffs and agreed it was a much different smell than that of his sister's, and that each of their muffs smelled differently as well.
Perhaps, this was the beginning of a strange epidemic; a definite symptom the world was nearing it's end. They should have eaten brownies. Or, a nice slice of blueberry pie. Coincidentally, Mrs. Hennings arrived with a pie. She did not have insurance, and offered the pie to the doctor in exchange for gynecological services. Sure enough, Dr. Pritchard, Jenny, Sara, and Bernie all agreed that Mrs. Henning's muff smelled exactly like the banana cream pie she recently prepared for the doctor to enjoy.
Knowing her muff now had a succulent scent considered delectable to all the world, Mrs. Henning's felt special and youthfully rejuvenated. She dashed out the door, and within seconds was seen driving away in her vehicle dressed elegantly in a pair of tight black pants, heels, and a low-cut shirt.
Top Image By: Gynecologist in Boca Raton
Bottom Image by: Prolog.org