Part 1: Proper Etiquette Goes Both Ways
Part 2: Life Outside the Store
Part 3: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Part 4: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Part 5: Love Affairs With Customers
Part 6: Gettin' Mutha Fuck'n Crazy at Pier 1 Imports
Part 7: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Part 8: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Part III: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Press play on the image below to listen to the songs while you read.
The Love Mongers
Some products or services require their customers to share personal information- insurance agencies being one of them (it would seem that people would enter these places just to use the restroom and steal the toilet paper). Many times, they are required to obtain information that is so private that not even the guy who goes into the supermarket and relates his/her whole life story to the uninterested cashier even reveals- such as social security number, age, details about the vehicular homicide on their record. This is a dream come true for some people.
"Swan Swan H" 2:50
Life's Rich Pageant
There is certain degree of intimacy after sharing all of your most personal information all alone in an office with someone. I remember thinking once how I'd like to hook up with my insurance agent, but based on the fact that I have had so many speeding tickets, she more than likely considered me a loser- and even complained about me not just to the other women in the office, but to her girlfriends over dinner as well. Plus, she was merely getting paid to listen to my bullshit, thus only pretending to be remotely concerned about anything. I do not know any of her personal information though. Maybe I should have asked for her Social Security Number instead of her phone number and that would justify why she slapped the living shit out me in front of her secretary.
148. Roky Erickson
"Don't Slander Me" 3:21
Don't Slander Me
Dallas, TX/Austin, TX
Some people get defensive if the questions become too personal. And, the definition of too personal varies depending on the circumstances. Customers do not approve of having to give their insurance agent their Social Security Number, or their e-mail address to the service desk at Pick 'n Save when signing up for a Roundy's card, or their address when they want something shipped to their house, or their phone number to the registered sex offender working at the gyro place.
147. Blue Aeroplanes
Every business has at least one customer who annoys the living shit out of all the other employees. This customer is talked about by all the other workers, and ridiculed when jokes arise. The reasons for this range from personal hygiene to poor etiquette to excessive traffic violations. Winston, for example, smelled like he shit himself after a sulphur factory exploded on him. When these people enter the establishment, the employees do whatever means necessary to not have to wait on them. I am this person with my insurance agent- probably several other places as well, probably everywhere I fucking go.
"The Day the Circus Came to Town" 3:26
Paisley, Scotland/Paris, France
Customers who flock in large groups significantly alter the way a business has to conduct itself. To begin, immediately upon entering, the store/restaurant is automatically busy because the party has arrived. Next, customers in large groups can be more demanding, particularly if one member of the group is attempting to show off for the others. One of the members may be the prime definition of douche and thinks he/she is being entertaining by making asinine comments that are often cliches. Then, they all gang up on the one employee- outnumbering the poor waitress, and therefore claiming their imprudence is supported by the majority.
145. The Bible
"Walking the Ghost Back Home" 3:58
Walking the Ghost Back Home
On the flip side, employees who are able to handle large groups, conduct themselves in a manner that is entertaining to them (even if it means going outside the comfort level) can be rewarded with large tips, flattering compliments, a full page of phone numbers, and maybe even get laid. Having sex with a member of a large group is a huge risk; you have already met the family, closest friends, she/he is probably drunk, and it may be complicated to get out of it. Or, you might be one of those dipshits who is ready for commitment after one night. Then, the family is not interested in you because you are a womanizer/slut.
144. The Zinnias
"Sand Dollar #1" 1:58
Unknown, but The Magnetic Fields formed in Boston, MA
When people go on vacation, they then become customers in an entirely different region of the world. These customers, tourists, make a habit of letting the store's employees know that they are from out of town. Because they are on vacation, they tend to act much differently than they do in their natural environment, meaning they may appear nicer and have more pleasant conversations (but often expect this same degree of nauseating kindness in return). Then, they return home, and talk about store clerks they encountered thousands of miles away as if they were now friends or family. Some of these memories last forever.
143. Twa Toots
The Peel Sessions
Many tourists attempt to have fun and live it up no matter where they go. As a result, these people show up to shop at local shops and make silly jokes regarding the souvenirs or other products foreign to them. To the employees, they see this shit everyday, but recognize they are enjoying themselves. They're nice, take a group photo to be shown at a family slide show- the time Grandma went to Milwaukee, got drunk, and appears in the photo completely shit faced wearing a cheese head hat while humping the statue of a cow.
142. Billy Bragg
"Honey, I'm a Big Boy Now" 4:05
Talking With the Taxman About Poetry
Barking, England/Burton Bradstock, England
Customers growing enamored with items in a souvenir shop where that particular item is not sold nationwide is annoying, but tolerable due to the fact that it is relatively uncommon in many places. However, if a customer becomes enamored with a common product that is sold at stores regularly full of commoners, than that is downright deplorable. If one gets astounded by items at a convenience store, such as a giant pickle or a slushy machine, then, seriously, that person needs to get out more. Everyone in the store hates this person, even the priest in line buying Twinkies.
141. Bruce Hornsby and the Range
"The Way it Is" 4:58
The Way it Is
Many customers enter an establishment and tell jokes to the employees. Although some of them are not funny at all, customers are an excellent place to hear good jokes. It's best when an elderly customer tells a joke that has the "f" word in it. Some lady in a restaurant asked for "the tiniest box" to put half a sandwich in. The server attempted to conjure something clever, and stated "the world's tiniest box was..." The lady bluntly interrupted and declared "right here", and pointed to her crotch. No shit, the clever server had met his match. Her box was, in fact, rated "small" but did not quite hold the record for "world's tiniest."
"Walk in the Shadows" 3:35
Rage For Order
There are some customers that employees are afraid of; they find these people creepy. When these customers enter, an employee will walk over to the other and say something along the lines of, "oh my God, this guy here really creeps me out." Then, the creepy customers do things the employee finds shockingly disturbing, such as speak to her, place an order, discuss how well he did at bowling last night, follow her home.
Die-hard metal fans are intriguing customers. Not to generalize, but they are easy to spot- if a person has long hair, a denim jacket with the sleeves cut out, a skull tattoo, and a black Cannibal Corpse T-shirt, it's probably safe to assume that that person is a fan of heavy metal music. 87% of all metal heads are the most pleasant people to deal with, and as customers are super friendly, caring, and understanding. Maybe this is due to the fact that these individuals get enough shock value out of their music that nothing in Walgreen's is so appalling that they have to act like a douche from just the mere sight of Raisinettes in a box.
"Somebody's Out There" 4:05
The Sport of Kings
Toronto, ON Canada
Many people would like to do something, but they do not know what. They wish to mingle with people, but do not know where to go to make friends, or maybe even meet a lover. When this happens, these people will go to a store and wander around aimlessly down all the aisles looking at products they have no intention on purchasing. These customers are looking for other customers, or maybe even true love with a store's employee. It's just a matter of time before two lost souls find true love in the cookie aisle- a bearded male customer in biker attire and the guy stocking the Oreos.
137. New Model Army
The Ghost of Cain
Some customers discuss their deepest personal problems with cashiers, bartenders, dog groomers, and other workers in establishments not related to psychiatry. Maybe this is because they do not have insurance; or, maybe they think these people offer the best advice; maybe nobody else will listen to their petty bullshit relating to their divorce, their gambling addiction, how they lost their job, or how Aunt Gertrude was run over by a bus.
136. This Mortal Coil
"Morning Glory" 2:57
Filigree and Shadow
Bartenders are the ones who have to listen to the most personal problems from customers, convenience store clerks a close second...psychiatrists might crack the top 10. People are not permitted to consume alcohol at the Dr.'s office. When people get depressed, they tend to indulge in drinking, smoking, and other bad habits. When they get drunk, they start telling all their problems to the bartender, because all of their friends have abandoned them...and the friends are now getting drunk at a different bar and complaining about the depressed person to that establishment's bartender.
135. Look Blue Go Purple
"Cactus Cat" 3:27
Dunedin, New Zealand
Part of the job of dealing with customers does involve the ability to temporarily delve into a state of melancholy and show sympathy for those in need of it. Because, no matter how lame these problems may seem, there will be a time when it is the employee struggling with personal matters, and it will be a random customer who says the right thing that helps resolve the employee's personal issues. We all need a best friend sometimes.
134. Bad Brains
"Return to Heaven" 3:19
I Against I
A significant portion of customers are forgotten about the moment they leave the establishment. This is not intended to be offensive to the customer, its just that some employees see so many customers, that it is impossible to remember them all. However, customers remember the employee more frequently than employees remember customers. Sometimes, an employee will have a massive appeal to a customer; but the customer is completely forgotten about in minutes.
"Она Может Двигать" 3:44
Десять стрел (Ten Arrows)
St. Petersburg, Russia
The customer will spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about this employee, and can't seem to get this person out of his/her mind. Yes, there is a chance that somebody is thinking of you- just as you always hoped, just like you talk about with the other employees. Then, the customer encounters the sought after employee outside the establishment. In a bold move, the customer approaches- on neutral turf- the magnetism exists, it's true love. The employee, too, is lonely. Customer: "Hey! Do you remember me?" The employee has no clue who the fuck this asshole even is.
132. Love and Rockets
"Kundalini Express" 5:48
Some customers take offense to not being remembered. They figure that since they remembered the employee, the employee's name, looked the person up on Facebook, google, and followed the person home a time or two, that the employee would definitely have to remember the experience they shared together...a pack of cigarettes, a Pepsi, an exchange of change, hand contact, eye contact...remember? No! There were 437 incidents exactly like this that day.
The Age of Quarrel
New York, NY
Some customers do not want to be remembered (FYI- this is me 95% of the time). The goal is to get in and out of the establishment without any single person ever even noticing. They will use the u-scan checkout lanes in order to not draw any attention to themselves and to avoid speaking to anybody. These customers get annoyed when an employee asks: "may I help you", and find it even more annoying when an associate comments on his/her dress attire, haircut, or any other personal attribute. Worst phrase: "back again"...meaning they were remembered last time they were here- that was 3 weeks ago.
"At Sea" 4:19
Thinking of Empire
San Francisco, CA
Ideally, employees would only remember those who are starved for attention, and completely forget about those who wish to be ignored. But, some employees develop a fondness for customers, see this person outside, and engage in conversation about whatever is popular in current events- baseball. The customer has no idea who this sorry sack of shit even is, why the fuck he/she is talking about baseball, and how in the hell did this person find out about the purchase they made at a store. Call the police.
"Vitrine Viva" 2:21
Vivendo e Não Aprendendo
São Paulo, Brazil
Some customers are super cool. When they leave a place, all the employees discuss how cool that person was. Then, they all hope that he/she comes back soon so they can talk again. Just seeing these people makes the day better. These people leave an everlasting impression on all the store's employees, the other customers in line, and if they are a tourist, now have prestigious status in cities far from home. Make it your goal to be this person.
128. Thee Mighty Caesars
"I Was Led to Believe" 2:12
A lot of times, customers lie. Not only do they lie about the damages of products they received with hopes and intentions of getting a refund, they lie about their personal matters- perhaps to impress the people working at the place. Joe told the lady at Walgreen's that he was the Corporate VP for a major airline, and that he owned a 2.7 million dollar resort home. Then, the Walgreen's lady left work and stopped to eat at Waffle House- and there was Joe, washing dishes...lying about the $2 service fee the Waffle House ATM charges.
"Ace of Diamonds" 4:44
Customers with disabilities are noticed and often remembered. Some people are overly nice to people with disabilities. It's never a good idea to discuss a person's disabilities or ask derogatory questions such as: "what the fuck's up with the wheelchair?" People with speech disorders are the hardest to deal with- not that they are bad people, it is difficult to understand what they are saying, and you never want to be rude and ask them to repeat themselves- for the 9th time. Some people deal with this by simply replying "yea" every time; or saying: "you talk like you got a dick in your mouth."
St. Petersburg, Russia
What does it take to be that one customer that everybody loves? Being attractive helps. Customers who are more attractive tend to receive better service than ugly people. People who stink always get bad service. Maybe this is why some people get super dolled up just to go to the grocery store, or the mall. Skimpy skirts, cleavage, headed to Walgreen's to get film developed.
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