Part 1: The Original Plan A
Part 2: The Re-evaluation
Part 3: Laundry Chute
Part 4: Desperate Measures
Part 5: Plan DD- Because Plans A-Z, AA-CC All Failed
Part 6: Plan DD- The Ultimate Miracle
Section II: The Re-evaluation
Press play on the image below to hear this set of songs in the exact order.
"That Western Skyline" 5:59
Los Angeles, CA
This had been a nice town, I guess until I moved here. It seemed this place was destined for prosperity, but all of that seemed to vanish surprisingly fast—and all at once. Or, maybe I never noticed it. There were a lot of people unemployed. The common quote became: “yea, man, the job market’s tough out there.” It wasn’t like this last week. My roommates were even unemployed, how the fuck were we going to pay the rent? At least my girlfriend had a job, but I am not the type of person to sit around and live off of her earnings. In fact, I never asked her for anything. Although I was getting a little more down on myself, feeling sympathy for the town, I tried to remain positive.
124. Cass McCombs
Concord, CA/Chicago, IL
The worst thing about being unemployed is that searching for jobs becomes not only the #1 priority, but the only topic of conversation. All people talk about is job possibilities. You should try and apply here. Or, apply here. This place is hiring. Many of these are ridiculous, there’s no way I could work at any of them. Not that I am lazy, I am not qualified to do certain things. Furthermore, I haven’t given up all hope yet. It’s not as if I was going to die soon. Plus, looking for jobs sucks. And, it’s time consuming, even more time consuming than actually having a job. Yet, during idle periods, people proclaim that I have nothing better else to do, and utilize this as a time to assign tasks. My girlfriend is notorious for this.
123. Bill Callahan
"The Wind and The Dove" 4:34
Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle
Silver Spring, MD/Austin, TX
Technically, I did put in ample notice, and it was the company who opted out of that. Several of my acquaintances were drawing unemployment, and claimed I could too. For whatever reason, this is something that I never considered. But, I was growing slightly desperate, and at least it would tide me over for maybe a week or two until I found something. Even walking in to the unemployment office was depressing enough. Most of the people there viewed unemployment as a way of life, and there were lots of them—it was as busy as a shopping mall having a massive Black Friday sale. Nonetheless, with no other choice and nothing to lose, Plan D had to be the unemployment office.
122. Ramona Falls
"Going Once, Going Twice" 4:10
They claimed they could help me get a job! How exciting I thought. I had to meet with a counselor, discuss how desperate I was to find a job, told him I would be willing to do most things, my list of qualifications, and a summary of my entire life. As for that unemployment check, he told me that I had to fill out the 26 forms, watch a video, and the case would be reviewed to determine whether or not I was eligible for compensation. Oh, and this process will take 3 months. I did not even bother, for, I could not wait 3 months; my ass would be evicted by then.
121. The Raveonettes
"Break Up Girls!" 4:00
In And Out Of Control
Fuck that unemployment check. I had in my hand Plan E. This was a list of places that were hiring, according to the unemployment office. Guess how many of them I had heard of? If you answered zero, then you are correct and win a prize! First thing I had to do was go home, look all these places up on the internet, and get directions on how to get to them. Plus, if the unemployment office said they were hiring, that should be a definite because they obviously do not want any of these imbeciles in their office any longer and wanted their monkey asses to get a job and stay the fuck out of the unemployment office so the workers here could go home finally and get some sleep.
120. The Very Best
The Warm Heart of Africa
Of the list of options, one of them had been shut down recently. Apparently they had been involved in a scandal involving illegal immigrants and child laborers or something. Whatever, it was none of my business. The others, I had directions, and prepared to utilize my last bit of gas in order to get to these places. It would require some travel, but I felt confident—wearing my nice clothes, a tie, driving a piece of shit with a hole in the floorboard.
119. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
"Little Shadow" 3:57
New York, NY
The first place I went to, the lobby was just as busy as the mall having a huge sale on Black Friday. In fact, all of the same people who were at the unemployment office were here now. It was the exact same setting as the unemployment office—featuring all the exact same people, with what appeared to be the exact same clipboards. What the fuck? Did they all take a bus here? I grabbed an application, and sat down with the clipboard. The same lady who gave me the application was at the unemployment office too—maybe she just got hired. There were at least five people at the unemployment office who were annoying the shit out of me, and I was appalled that they all showed up here too, the same time as me. I am prone to have episodes of insanity where all images and sounds seem to intensify and flash through my mind in 3-5 second intervals. Something about this creeped me out, and I just got up and left without submitting the application.
118. Coconut Records
"I Am Young" 3:11
Los Angeles, CA
My next journey was destined to be a long one, one that would require a vast majority of what little gas I had remaining in my tank, but it seemed prosperous. I made the long journey, followed the directions verbatim, and when I reached my destination, all that was there was a desolate grass field in the middle of nowhere. The moon was more heavily populated than this region of the world. I made several trips up and down the street examining the addresses, and yes, the address did match this empty field in the middle of nowhere. I got out of my car, walked around the field, and searched for something. I deemed this as a sick ass joke the unemployment office played on me.
117. Memory Tapes
"Plain Material" 4:48
I had no choice but to disregard the unemployment office as a potential scam. There was no way possible any of that just happened. Things were beginning to look bleak, and then came Plan F. I should have thought of this sooner—temporary services! The temp agencies were always hiring. With barely enough gas to get there, I arrived to temp agency, still elegantly dressed. This was much better than the unemployment office. The people were friendly, it was less crowded, and the agent working my case was marvelously attractive. My goal was to be so impressive, that I could be hired permanently by the temp agency, and be surrounded by nothing but beautiful women all day. In fact, working at the temp agency office may even be considered that Plan A dream job.
"Only Sequences Change" 4:44
The Music Scene
New York, NY
At the temp agency, they give you a series of tests to determine if you are good at anything or not. Once upon a time I was, in college, at my old old job, but I had spent the past several months as a Gas Station Attendant. Therefore, I did not test as superlatively as I would have hoped. It had been awhile since I performed many of these tasks, and some of them I ran out of time or missed the question; such as mailing labels. I do not perform mailing labels on a daily basis. And, if I owned a company, if somebody could breeze through mailing labels effectively, I would deem that person as having no personality and perhaps not good with customers. I, at least, had personality. Furthermore, it’s not difficult to perform mailing labels; just some people have to hunt through all of the options to find out where it is.
"Remember Severed Head" 2:59
Montreal, QB Canada
When I told the lady at the temp agency that my previous job was as a Gas Station Attendant, she put my file away, switched from a black ink pen to a red one, and retrieved a different folder. She then approached the situation differently. I had to explain to her that I was not a naturally gifted Gas Station Attendant, and it was not what I studied in college. I told her about all of my experience prior to the Gas Station, the real job I once had, my college degree, and begged and pleaded with her to go back to the other folder and the black ink pen. She said that I had an advantage now, because I had customer service oriented jobs, and could be qualified for multiple positions, and not to worry.
114. M. Ward (W/Lucinda Williams)
"Oh Lonesome Me" 6:06
Newbury Park, CA/Portland, OR
I left the temp agency with same amount of confidence I had when I left the unemployment office. Furthermore, they made me submit a drug test, and there was no way I passed it. Oh well, at least I had good night of masturbating thinking about the agent who talked to me about potential job prospects. That was sort of a bizarre fantasy too; it is difficult to comprehend a woman with enormous success, dressed as elegantly as she was, wanting to have anything to do with an unemployed bum. With my prospects dwindling, I had no choice but to fantasize about the temp agency shutting down, and her and me getting it on at the unemployment office with me telling her she was qualified for multiple positions. It was my only hope.
Surprisingly, the temp agency called back, the very next day. My job search was over! Finally! She said I would be working for a company performing data entry, which I did test 100% on the exam by the way (although I soon realized the average score for data entry is 99%). It was a large company, and they recently installed some new software, and they needed a group of people to enter all of their old databases into the new one. It was easy work, and paid well too. I will start Monday, at 6:00AM. Today was Thursday, which meant I had the weekend off.
112. Mos Def
"Quiet Dog Bite Hard" 2:56
New York, NY
That weekend, I did not search for any jobs, and even went so far as to tell people about the wonderful position I had obtained. People were happy for me, it was a great day. Because I had deemed myself as no longer unemployed, I treated myself to an expensive meal (which meant going to McDonald’s and getting the order “large” sized: $5.43), did some things I had been putting off, and suddenly I was important again. My swagger had returned. Fuck the gas station!
111. Future of the Left
"Arming Eritrea" 2:58
Travels With Myself And Another
The woman at the temp agency called me that Sunday—I assumed it was to tell me how cute I was, and since I now had a job she wanted to go out with me. Instead, she was apologetic. The job had been cancelled. This company had been losing money, and they put all of their last investments into upgrading this software in order to improve sales. However, a water mane busted, and it flooded the building. Because they had spent all of their money on the software upgrade, they could not afford to call a plumber to come and fix the busted water mane. She apologized again, and said that the job would return as soon as the company was able to scrounge together enough money to fix the busted water pipes. I did drive by the place to see if she was lying, but sadly, her story checked out. There was somebody floating face down in the gazebo courtyard…the company did not even have enough money left for somebody to come retrieve her.
110. Wye Oak
To say the least, that was a major inconvenience. To begin, it cost me several days of job hunting that would have been useful. Furthermore, I had spent a little too freely, although hardly lavishly. It’s not like a made any major purchases, but I did buy a bottle of cola that set me back $1.57, and spent $2.19 on a cup of coffee thinking I had more money coming in soon. Luckily, while searching through the laundry, I discovered two folded up one dollar bills in the pocket of a pair of pants. And, I had about $6 in loose change lying around my room. Then I got a huge break, somebody paid me $20 to drive them from a parked car to a location near the river where they would be fishing.
109. Mission of Burma
"SSL 83" 2:50
The Sound, The Speed, The Light
The longer I was unemployed, the more lucrative potential jobs became. All I thought about was jobs that I could do, and there were a lot of things that I was capable of doing. Unfortunately, I did not have experience in many of these positions. I began growing irate with the emphasis employers put on prior experience, and began to attribute that to the failing economy. It would seem to me that there would be far more advantages in hiring somebody with previous integrity as opposed to a previous failure who had once performed this exact same position but with moderate results. Well, this person did this shit for 15 years, but the company closed. Well, apparently that person was not that incredibly great if the company still closed. The Gas Station was booming while I was employed there.
108. Sleeping States
"Gardens Of The South" 4:13
In The Gardens Of The North
As I was unemployed, I become less tolerant to incompetent employees at places that I visited. Too often, I witnessed employees, making decent money at that, performing poorly at their respected positions. Each time, I would think to myself, I am positive that I could do that job better than this person; and here he/she is getting paid, living comfortably, and here I am struggling to get by, growing more miserable. I was also getting fed up with companies only hiring people who had friends or relatives currently employed. Without any qualifications whatsoever, these people get hired, do piss poor work, decrease the standards of the company, and soon, the company is out of business. How is nobody seeing this during this economy?
107. Dan Deacon
"Woof Woof" 4:44
All available positions seemed to require previous experience. The question then became, where does one gather this experience? By getting hired by a company in which a relative works? This means that whatever position a person initially takes as a means of getting hired by a relative is what that person is stuck with for life… even if they loathe the position, even if it is a skill they are not naturally good at, a position they have no interest in, and are basically incompetent to even perform the duty, much less elevate higher standards and accomplish something groundbreaking. This is why most companies are struggling in this economy. They settle for moderate due to the fact it is comfortable to hire a family member who is non-threatening to the average minded district manager, rather than strive for greatness.
106. Cold Cave
"Life Magazine" 2:57
Love Comes Close
Part of me wants to see this system fail completely and an entirely new structure be implemented. Ideally, this would happen before the 1st of the month when my rent is due, but it is doubtful that will happen. Just as I was excited to find $2 in the laundry, the government scrounged up all of the loose change from tax payers in order to bail out these corporations who failed because their hiring standards are obtuse. I cherish the day when I see the front of page of the newspaper reads: Capitalism Finally Fails…the government has no more money to bail them out, and tax payers are no longer willing to fit the bill to pay off the non-brilliant corporations who failed to strive for new and improved quality standards.
105. Jacuzzi Boys
The world lacks revolutionaries and visionaries. Or, maybe the revolutionaries have been oppressed. There should have already been a full-scale assault on this current system, especially now since it is failing and so many people are miserable. But, some people equate happiness to sitting in an office, not having to accomplish anything brilliant. They can simply type memos, answer phones, follow policies, and take a lunch break with the relative who hired them. This is the life they always wanted. They are comfortable being average, and in no way would attack the system that is seemingly perfect and rewards average minded people with such luxuries as a brand new George Foreman Grill. Only a terrorist would to that.
104. Blk Jks
Johannesburg, South Africa
I really had to think of something spectacular. Despite the fact that I had numerous skills, it seemed I was only qualified to be a Gas Station Attendant because that was what I had done for the past several months in order to put a roof over my head until I found something better. Nothing better ever came, and now, the Gas Stations are not even hiring. It would appear that I am useless. Nothing I ever did in life prior to working at the Gas Station mattered anymore, it was so long ago. Gas Station Attendant! That trumped everything I ever did, or immediately disqualified me from ever bettering myself. Not sure which.
103. The Black Heart Procession
"Iri Sulu" 4:30
San Diego, CA
The hiring process is a joke too. Very few people are their natural selves in job interviews or when submitting an application. Studies revealed that 82% of applicants either lie or exaggerate in order to attempt to appear impressive. Furthermore, these companies have created dress codes and other standards of etiquette; along with a few other narrow minded characteristics they assume leads to success. A person with an IQ of 89 will get a job over a genius if the 89 IQ shows up to an interview wearing nicer clothes his/her parents paid for; some interviewers are judgmental based on how a person hold’s a pen, how they sit in a chair, left or right handed, the selected hair style. They base these determinations from a manual that was written by an imbecile who claimed to make these studies; he was only hired because his uncle worked for that publishing corporation- which is now bankrupt.
"Some Misunderstanding" 7:57
To counter all of this, I decided to do some soul searching, and that my next position I was going to set the world on fire. Furthermore, I was somehow going to try to get a job doing something I had never done before. The key ingredient though, was my own happiness. In my life, there were a lot of asses I was expected to kiss, but I was not impressed with any of them. Therefore, I was no longer willing to kiss an unimpressive ass. In addition, I was prepared to walk out of interviews if I did not like any aspect of the person conducting the interview. And, I was going to ask the questions, not the interviewer.
101. Sunn O)))
"Big Church (Megszentsgtelenthetetlensgeskedseitekrt)" 9:43
Monoliths & Dimensions
Plan G: Do NOT get a job. This was but a one day plan; with intentions that it would alter the thinking patterns, and maybe be an investment for the future. I applied for positions in which I knew I did not want, and was not qualified to obtain. I showed up to the interview dressed however I pleased; I lied on the application, and created falsified resumes. For my first interview, with a look of disgust on my face, I brushed off the seat before I sat down. I looked around the office distraught, and shook my head upon glancing at the photos in the office. After the first question, I rolled my eyes, stood up, and said, “Sorry, I read on your website that you pride yourself in innovation, and that’s what I was expecting. I’m just not seeing it here.”
My 2nd interviewer had the nerve to ask me why the company should hire me. “Well, I definitely couldn’t be any worse than the rest of the employees I’ve seen here so far.” I then seized this moment to chastise and ridicule every single aspect of the company, brought up unfavorable reviews in which the company had received for poor quality products, spoke negatively about all of the other people I had encountered—himself included, and concluded with: “you know what, this place is just going out of business anyway, I’m looking for something a little more stable,” and I walked out.
3rd interview, he asked me a question, and I answered with a question. I then proceeded to grill the interviewer with questions about integrity, innovation, and standards. I asked how many people within the company obtained the positions due to being a relative or friend. I asked a series of questions about management all the way up to the CEO. I questioned their intelligence, why they have not accomplished what the competitors had achieved, I questioned the fairness of the customer policies, how the CEO expects others to present themselves in his presence (or if he refers to people as “subordinates”). After a half an hour of me asking questions, I told him to cross my name off the list, I have no interest whatsoever in working here. Furthermore, I will not even be a customer of this pathetic organization, nor will anybody in my family.
Interview #4 was a heated confrontation that resulted in shouting and me being escorted out of the building by security. I read they too went out of business.
Top Image by: Charles Schulz
Bottom Image by: Mamas Latinas