2011/10/19

The Top 125 Songs of 1975

The Best of 1975 + The Red Alert
Part 1 of 6: (Tracks 160-131) The Age of Eventually
Part 2 of 6: (Tracks 130-101) The Night They Always Remembered
Part 3 of 6: (Tracks 100-76) The Invasion
Part 4 of 6: (Tracks 75-51) The Fascinating City
Part 5 of 6: (Tracks 50-26) The Nearby Tavern
Part 6 of 6: (Tracks 25-#1) The Desolate Wasteland


Part II: The Night They Always Remembered




Press play on the image below to hear the playlist.



130. Scorpions
"Dark Lady"  3:29
In Trance
Hannover, Germany

It was dark; the rain was pouring outside, the lightning struck, the thunder added yet another creepy dimension to this evil night. There was a ghostly spirit creeping around the house, the noises were frightening. Neither did anything about it, Ralph refused because Stephanie insisted he had to do everything. Stephanie was just lazy. Ralph was drunk. Soon, the ghost was drunk too.

Because neither would do anything about it, the ghost made its way to the kitchen, helped itself to whatever was in fridge, and drank the rest of Ralph's beer. The ghost also refused to do any chores for Stephanie.

She was a woman who had unknowingly been killed the other day. A government sponsored air raid had taken her life prematurely. Back then she was happy, today being dead, she was supposed to be miserable. As she sat on the sofa drinking the remainder of Ralph's shitty beer, gazing over at the two other bums passed out on the floor, she noticed a letter on their table addressed to her. It was odd that she would have mail here, but then again, something mysterious did advise her to haunt this particular household.

Sara opened the letter and carefully read the contents; folded the letter back into the envelope and shoved it into the pocket of her black coat that matched her black pants and black boots. She sat there in deep thought, sipping that shitty beer, pondering an important decision. Once finished with the beer, she shoved the bottle underneath a couch cushion and walked out the door.

The street was dark and it still rained; however she was not affected by the rain... this shit happens when you're a mother fucking ghost. She stepped right out in front of a speeding vehicle that suddenly lost control, crashed into a tree, and exploded... she completely ignored the car crash. With the fire blazing from the overturned vehicle providing a light, she reached her destination. It was an empty parking lot in which something new was being built.

She studied the construction site and was soon joined by Wendy, the bitch that died in the car crash. This is it. This is what we have to do.



129. Jane
"Make Me Feel Better"  4:10
Lady
Hannover, Germany

Mark and Steve escaped the stressful hustle and bustle of everyday life by retreating to Mark's basement to play records and smoke weed. They were periodically joined by others, some of them considered fairly cool, some obvious douchebags. That night, there was none... nobody around on that desolate street, just a car that exploded outside in the yard.

They ventured outside to investigate and considered calling the police. However, there was nobody in this vehicle. Unless the body had completely disintegrated, this car appeared to have been rolling without anybody in it. Somebody must have forgotten to put it in park. At the very least, they needed to inform the fire department because this shit was burning up the tree.

Just as they were readying to go back inside to call the fire department, the blazing vehicle started its engine, backed itself off the curb, and drove away with flames bursting out of all the busted windows and underneath the hood. When the vehicle disappeared off in the distance, much to their disbelief, two women dressed entirely in black stood there next to the burning tree. 

Sara and Wendy completely ignored Mark and Steve as they extinguished the fire burning around the tree. After the fire had perished, the burning vehicle returned and stopped at the curb. The two ladies opened the doors, hopped in the backseat of the fiery vehicle, and sped away down the street.

After they filed the amazing story to the police, they did not believe any of it, searched for the vehicle, but found nothing. Later that day, somebody else filed a report with the police claiming that a burglar entered their home, drank all of the beer, and stashed one of them underneath one of the cushions. Both stories were soon disregarded.


128. Parliament
"Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication"  4:59
Mothership Connection
Detroit, MI

People in the community stood around the construction site reading the sign that read: Coming Soon... A Store!!! They stood there gazing at the sign in awe for a short while and then could no longer contain their excitement. A joyful celebration ensued. People joined hands, jumped up and down, smiled, and shouted, "A store is coming! A mother fucking store! We're getting a store! We're getting a store! We're getting a store!"

A strange person mysteriously arrived at the gathering and was immediately the focal point of attention as the scene grew silent. He soon had a following of spectators as they followed him down the street. The strange man walked over to a pole dedicated for bulletins and stapled the announcement to the pole—and then disappeared. It was an important announcement… 
TONIGHT: Concert of the Year!!! Numerous performers... and shit’s expected to get out of hand. 
Seeing the stranger was mind blowing enough, witnessing the disappearance was some sort of a supernatural event that created a commotion…but news of the concert changed everything. Jerry, the mother fucker who rocked out and trashed his own den, read the announcement out loud as the crowd of observers cheered and began partying in the streets. This was going to be the greatest night in history.

The community rejoiced, danced, laughed, smoked a bunch of weed, and fucked a bunch of random strangers. People need to do this shit periodically.


127. Grateful Dead
"The Music Never Stopped"  4:36
Blues For Allah
San Francisco, CA

The wonderful joyful night seemed to last forever, and in memories, it really did. People spoke of this magical night for centuries and finally decided to host another one of these events every year. Surprisingly, people who had never even visited this community deemed the extravagant celebration sinful and it was declared illegal and shut down by the police.

Even though the next one could never happen, they still recalled the first one, spoke of it fondly, and declared it the best night of their lives. This was the day they always remembered and it lived on forever... even after the tavern that held the concert was mysteriously shut down due to complications with property taxes. Those people who had never visited this community assumed that they held dictatorship over this property and the owners had to pay fees in order for it to be protected by the enemy. Since they could no longer afford to pay the fees to the oppressor, it was shut down and not occupied by anybody... nobody prospered from this.

One night a group of people walked by and heard music playing in the abandoned parking lot. There was no sign of people, no means to play the music, and everything appeared dark and desolate. Yet the lights of the tavern mysteriously clicked on and the music played from somewhere.

People from all over the community came by to witness the miracle. It occurred to them that nobody had the right to consider anything about their lifestyle sinful and the oppressors had no right to collect taxes on their property. Without anyone's knowledge or permission, another extravagant celebration erupted... and nothing could be done to stop it.

126. Frank Zappa
"San Ber'dino"  5:58
One Size Fits All
Baltimore, MD/Los Angeles, CA

There were too many routines and we had become sick and tired of all the fucking routines. Get up, go to work, go out, go home, go to bed... all a fucking routine. Even those who had chosen a criminal lifestyle in order to avoid unemployment, such as crack dealers, prostitutes, and aggravated assault thieves, each had a routine they followed as well. 

Well, I was fucking sick of it. Sick to death of this shit! And I declared that I wasn't going to follow routines ever again.

"NO ROUTINES!" That was my motto.

I woke up in the middle of the night, ventured into the kitchen and fell asleep on the stove. When I finally did wake up, I cooked breakfast... spaghetti and taco shells. I boiled the taco shells, but not the spaghetti... fuck all these routines.

Instead of going to work, I drove down whatever street did not have any cars on it. Once I realized that avoiding traffic was a routine, I purposely drove down the expressway to become part of the city's largest traffic jam. Rather than wait in traffic, I got out of my car and ran up and down the exit ramp haphazardly so that it would not look like a routine. Some other bastard did the same. When the traffic began moving, I hopped in his car, he hopped in her car, and she sold her car in exchange to be transported out of there via helicopter.

I abandoned my car at a fast food restaurant in exchange for a case full of invalidated gift certificates. She and I got in his car and wound up in some unknown part of the world that had a city. We parked in the middle of town and went our separate ways and vowed never to see each other again. I went in somebody's back yard and gleefully played on their slide. The owner of the home came out and shot me in the stomach. Rather than go to the hospital, I crawled around the streets bleeding to death. I refused to die however, because that would be a routine.


125. Burning Spear
"Red, Gold and Green"  3:12
Marcus Garvey
Saint Ann's Bay, Jamaica


Every single person on the planet Earth is regarded as a misfit somewhere. When the country club gave out a free round of golf to the members of the local biker gang, many of the ruthless vigilante bikers felt as if they did not belong on the golf course; their supped up motorcycles did not appear suitable replacements for the standard golf carts. 

The members of the country club commented to one another: "this used to be a nice place."

Ted simply could not bear the thought of ever getting a haircut. In fact, he had no idea what the inside of salon even looked like. Fucker knew his way around the local hardware store though... and would complain to the store's employees, people he considered his dearest friends, about the policies of chain stores.

Harry awoke and realized he was completely surrounded by white people. There were white people everywhere. White people at the grocery store... white people at the bank. Had it always been like this? Harry himself was white. What a mother fucker!

Everything in Barbara's life was presented to others with such passion that her friends claimed she was "overly dramatic."  That is, except for her relationship with her 17 year old nephew Harvey... that was kept a secret.

It is considered a terrible misfortune to ever be aggressively courted by a much older family member. The results can often be catastrophic. People who lose their virginity within their own family rarely find true happiness; either they hate the incident and traumatized for life; or they loved it but considered weird for having slept with a family member. Some say they were in violation of the law, and more often than not, the children turned out to be retards.

Some people are noticed immediately. This is not necessarily always a good thing; neither for the spectators nor the attraction. Their presence alters moods, all wish it were different. Many people are unsure how to handle being the constant focus of attention, particularly when the attention was never requested. These people often enter a place for nothing special and then discover all of the other patrons and employees staring for no reason in particular.

The malcontents and the misplaced in society were the ones most delighted about the announcement. Music events are always the best places to cut loose or blend in anyway. There was some sort of mystique in the air, and people who were generally reluctant to break the routine felt as if there was something special about to take place... something that could not be missed. 

However, 17 year old Harvey attempted to join a ruthless biker gang and puttered around a golf course on a piece of shit used motor scooter he found for $30. Unfortunately, he sucked at golf and was not an experienced rider. He hit the ball into the sand trap, rode his scooter to the ball, and the scooter crashed in the sandpit and exploded. 

Upon hearing the explosion of the miniature little scooter, every person on the golf course behaved like Barbara, screamed for dear life, and ran in a state of panic to the concert venue. Harvey stayed to practice his putting skills. He was shot and killed by an unidentified sniper and the mystery was never solved. However, Harvey still haunts this golf course... and lots of crazy shit has happened since. 


124. Elvin Bishop
"Fooled Around and Fell in Love" 3:00
Struttin' My Stuff
Tulsa, OK

Benny had a major attraction to Gail because of her glamorous tits and that fine ass of hers. He struggled talking to her but jacked off thinking about her every night. One night he saw Gail at a bar, bought her a bunch of drinks so that he could get her drunk and then take her home and fuck her; taking advantage of her while she was drunk seemed the only rational way to score with his dream woman.

Gail was drunk off her ass and could barely walk. Benny walked her to his house and felt relieved knowing that she was not going to remember any of this. He copped a few cheap feels en route to his trailer and took her inside where she passed out cold on the bed.

The moment she was unconscious, Benny went to work. He carefully took off all of her clothes, which required some effort because she was drunk and sound asleep. Even when he tried to awake her, she was not responsive and offered little cooperation. As he was undressing her, his cock was rock hard as he was eagerly anticipating fulfilling his ultimate fantasy.

She was fully naked except for her socks. Benny pulled off one of her socks, saw her painted toe nails, and then suddenly everything changed. For some reason he pictured her painting those nails, the smile on her face while she was doing so, and tried to idealize her decision to paint those nails that night. It obviously had some purpose.

He looked over her drunken naked body and no longer saw a sex object. Instead, he saw a human being... a bright intelligent young woman with dreams and aspirations for an endearing future.

Suddenly, Benny no longer wished to have sex with her and his arousal had completely vanished.

He then proceeded to put all of her clothes back on to her and this was even greater painstaking task that took nearly an hour. It took him over 20 minutes to put her bra back on as he struggled with putting the straps back over her shoulders... the end result was a bit messy. Once he had her fully dressed, even her dirty shoes that was tracking mud on his bed, he tucked her in, shut off the lights, and went out in the living room and slept on the floor.

123. Orleans
"Dance With Me"  3:03
Let There Be Music
Woodstock, NY

The next day, Gail awoke to find herself in a strange room. She emerged from the bedroom to find Benny sleeping on the living room floor. He obviously did not tell her that he contemplated date raping her. Instead, he spent the entire day trying to please her.

First, he cooked her breakfast, but she wasn't extremely pleased with his selection. Rather than take offense, he smiled and took her out for breakfast anywhere she selected. He paid for it.

Benny did not talk about himself at all. He listened attentively to all of the details concerning Gail's life. She was in college and studying to be a Music Professor. This was marvelous and Benny offered her full support and positive encouragement.

They went shopping and he drove her to run all of the errands she needed. In the process, she told him her entire life story that he continued to support, provide encouragement, and offered assistance to the problems plaguing her. She was short on cash to pay for something she needed to buy and Benny paid for it.

Later that night, they danced... a nice warm slow dance.

The next day Benny called her and they met for lunch. He inquired about all of the happenings in her life and offered some ideas that he had conjured to resolve some of her personal issues.

The next day, Gail called Benny. She needed some advice on some issues... needed to talk about things, some companionship.

Benny and Gail are now married. He supported her all through college and she is now a Music Professor... he's still working construction. She makes more money than him and he is fine with that. As a result, he picks the kids up from school and does most of the household chores. He continued to be supportive and Gail recently was promoted to Dean of The Music Department after being voted Best Music Professor in the state for seven years in a row.

122. Amazing Rhythm Aces
"Third Rate Romance"  3:22
Stacked Deck
Memphis, TN

For their 20th anniversary, Glenn took his wife out for a fancy steak dinner at Waffle House.

Glenn and Katrina enjoyed a wonderful day together frolicking through the park, having a picnic, and gazing into each other's eyes with romance. Of course, Glenn was acting this way because he "accidentally" cheated on her the other day with a transvestite.

The strongest appeal when dealing with human attraction is the ability to feel completely comfortable around another person and be able to conduct one's business in a completely honest fashion, without any alterations to one's natural personality whatsoever.

Glenn was honest and accidentally revealed the contents of how he slept with a transvestite. Katrina was honest as well. She accidentally busted a bottle of Waffle House steak sauce and simply by mistake accidentally stabbed Glenn in the chest with it. At least they were honest with each other.


121. Guy Clark
"That Old Time Feeling"  4:16
Old No. 1
Monahans, TX/Nashville, TN

Companionship had been the only thing Roberto ever wanted. Every night, he would go out, get drunk, get other women drunk, and shack up at a roach infested hotel for a one night stand. None of the women he ever met seemed suitable enough to withstand a long-term relationship. 

Everything changed in one day... when he brought home Marshmallow, an Irish Setter he rescued from the animal shelter. To him, a dog is a man’s best friend. 

Roberto stays home most nights with Marshmallow; nights out consist of going to the park with Marshmallow. Roberto will not be attending the event tonight; he and Marshmallow will be playing on the couch.

In order to even be considered for friendship by Roberto, you must first meet the approval of Marshmallow. Roberto and Marshmallow have accrued a multitude of magnificent memories together. They had been to South Carolina together and witnessed a young woman falling down a sewage drain. She was stuck and nearly drowned; she would have if Marshmallow and Roberto didn't pull her fat ass out of there.

Who could forget the time when that drunken groundhog fell into the swimming pool? They will both go on about that for hours. 


That happens quite a bit... you go over to visit and both Marshmallow and Roberto talk non-stop sharing stories about all the adventures they had been in together. One night Marshmallow slept on the porch. To hear him talk about it, it was crazy. According to that damn dog, it snowed 3 feet that night.


120. Jane Birkin
"Where Or When"  3:21
Lolita Go Home
London, England/Paris, France

Mildred had an outgoing social personality, but for whatever reason had a difficult time meeting new people. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with her, she simply never found herself in ideal situations to make new acquaintances. She stopped for breakfast at the local café, all alone, and spotted another woman seated at a table all by herself. Thinking it would be a friendly gesture, and without invitation, Mildred placed her tray on the table occupied by the other solo young woman and sat across from her. The young lady froze in terror, looked horrified staring across to Mildred, and hastily gathered her belongings and moved to another table. Mildred was again all alone.

Leonard saved up his money and purchased himself a nice new coat. However, the coat was so nice, that it was dry-clean only. One day, Leonard ended up stranded and had to walk home in the rain. His poor coat was drenched when he arrived home, and after it dried, it smelled awful. Unfortunately, Leonard could not afford a new coat, and the temperature dropped significantly, leaving Leonard with no choice but keep wearing the coat despite the smell. Because of the smell of the coat, which Leonard soon grew accustomed to and could no longer smell it, people avoided Leonard and were uncomfortable in his presence. Anytime Leonard attempted to meet new people, they abruptly ended the conversation, and told all of their friends about how bad he stunk. That walk in the rain was a life altering event for poor Leonard.

Mildred 
was still seated at the same table, now all alone, scoffing that stupid twat who rudely got up and left her for no apparent reason. That brief encounter with that strange woman temporarily altered her fate; that one action held adverse consequences.  

It was now Mildred who was joined by a stranger…Leonard, and his stinky ass jacket. The moment Mildred took one whiff of that coat, she completely forgot about the previous twat, stared at Leonard in extreme fright and froze as if she had just witnessed the most horrifying nightmare imaginable. She clutched her face and screamed with intense fear similar to that in those bloody gory B-horror movies.

In a state of panic as if she was defending her life from a deranged psychopathic coming at her with a bloody ax, Mildred hastily scooped up her lunch tray and hurled all of the items onto Leonard... which included a salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing, a half eaten chicken rosemary sandwich, and an opened packed of mustard. Mildred ran out of the café screaming, scared for her life. The contents contained on that lunch tray-turned assault weapon ruined Leonard's only jacket even worse.

119. Aerosmith
"Sweet Emotion"  4:34
Toys in the Attic
Boston, MA

The headlights came on and the blazing vehicle slowly pulled onto the street. It cruised down the street coolly, obeying traffic signals, and stopping for pedestrians. People marveled at the blazing vehicle driving down the street, one couldn't help but notice.

Downtown, the cool portion of town was invaded by a group of intruders. This was the part of town where the outcasts of society sought refuge from the asinine culture of ordinary life. There were no crying kids here. Douches weren't welcome.

But a group of them came anyway. They talked to people about ridiculous shit that nobody gave a flying fuck about. They were concerned with issues in which these people had no interest. Those celebrity lifestyles from the tabloids, those great sales at the generic stores, and all that diatribe on the television set. They imposed their beliefs onto others who were not interested. They were noisy, laughed loudly about shit that wasn't funny, screamed obnoxiously at nothing, and acted like ignorant tourists... their whole generation was imbeciles.

They left the bar and walked to the convenient store to purchase a selection of ordinary items that they would consider a major decision as if this were the greatest event they had ever been a participant. As they were strolling through the parking lot, a blazing car sped in front of them and peeled sideways to block their path. Immediately they panicked, cried loudly, screamed, and made a series of inaudible noises that meant nothing to nobody.

Two women dressed in black emerged from the fiery vehicle with machine guns and opened fire on the group. The guns were loud, fast, deadly, and the group of ignorant tourists from The Crying Generation was gunned down in the parking lot. A group of 11 year kids quickly entered the scene and chopped them up with hatchets. The kids left quietly; the two women got back in the car and drove away.

The crowd of citizens watched in awe at the fiery car cruising down the street. They followed it and joined the mission. Explosive fireballs shot from the windows and destroyed the downtown municipal building. Upon explosion, the citizens of the town darted inside and looted the building and destroyed all city ordinances. This was the beginning of freedom.

It was reported that the blazing vehicle took out several key facilities on that night. The town would be forever changed.

118. The Who
"Squeeze Box"  2:42
The Who By Numbers
London, England

Truth be known, I never wanted anything to do with Angela... but I felt sorry for her. She said things to me that meant the deepest of heartfelt compassion... although I assumed she was lying. Angela claimed to be so in love with me.

What could I say? She simply entered my house without even knocking. I had tried to avoid her, but she always showed up in my room. She did nice things for me, bought me things, and claimed to be an avid fan of my work. It would have been wrong for me to reject her even though there were underlying issues that suggested I should leave her well the fuck alone.

Next thing you know she was on top of me. In my opinion, this could almost qualify as rape, but I did not exactly say "no" nor did I express any sort of resentment. She seemed so happy and appeared to be enjoying herself. Just to be nice, I simply let her do whatever she wanted.

After she was satisfied, which went on all night, she snuggled beside me with a smile and kissed me. I don't even recollect what happened... I simply pretended nothing was going on and went to my happy place.

Angela said that she would see me tomorrow and left. I walked her to the door, she kissed me goodbye, and walked out. Just as I opened the door, my boss was standing there looking angry. She had been knocking the entire time, and asked, "Who the fuck was that bitch?"

Amanda shoved me into my room, onto my bed, and cussed me out while she removed my clothes. Next thing I knew, I was back in my happy place. The happy place was disrupted when she told me that she was "so in love with me" after having a mind-blowing sensual orgasm that I did absolutely nothing on my part to have induced... I simply laid there and pretended to be sound asleep. 

It should also be known that I'm pretty much considered a loser by most of the world. If you have a mind-blowing explosive orgasm as a result from having sex with me, then there is more-than-likely something severely wrong with you; we're talking serious psychological issues here.

117. The Manhattan Transfer
"Java Jive"  2:48
S/T
New York, NY

Rick and Leonard's bizarre fascination with old TV shows from the 50's led to them opening a sock hop right in the middle of crime-stricken Cincinnati neighborhood Over-the-Rhine. They encouraged employees and patrons to speak to the local crack dealers and prostitutes in the exact same fashion Ward spoke to The Beaver.

With the extra cash he made from selling crack in the Cincinnati neighborhood Over-the-Rhine, Youngblood went in and ate at the 50's inspired sock hop. A lady there spoke to him the same way June spoke to Beaver. Youngblood took her home and made sweet love to her; she never spoke like June again.

They arrived the next day to that sock hop... there was a group of vocalists singing a 
nostalgic song that had all of the patrons smiling happily while they swayed in their seats. Some shit about coffee and they acted out the scene as they slid cups and shot coffee across the cafe.

Youngblood and Peggy sat at the counter and the vocalists approached them and sang on either side of Youngblood while he perused the menu. While they were singing, they poured him coffee, a milkshake, and a 
monstrous plate of cabbage and greens. Youngblood smiled, downed the coffee, and escorted the singers out of the parlor.

As expected, Youngblood made sweet love to the entire band. What a lot of people don't know is that after that one extravagant night with Youngblood, The Manhattan Transfer developed an alter ego then formed another band called Motörhead.


116. The Four Seasons
"Who Loves You"  4:21
Who Loves You
Newark, NJ

As so many do with engaging in sexual fantasies with co-workers, many others often wonder what it would be like to see some of their co-workers stoned on weed.

Gilbert Wilson had no desire to be considered "cool" by his co-workers. He thought they were all stupid. Homeboy ate lunch by himself and never attended social events. Every once in a while, he spoke, though people rarely understood the concepts he was attempting to convey. Martha understood. But, he didn't like her either.

There was an event scheduled that evening... some sort of gathering with everybody who worked at the store. Gilbert was there. So was Martha. And the manager. And some other fucker who everybody found intriguing except Gilbert. And supposedly the manager. Amanda had mentioned that she hated this stupid asshole.

But she was acting fucking weird. She cornered this little fucker and insisted that he had to obey her orders even though he wasn't on the clock. He was being reluctant and tried to reject her. Rather than accept her rejection, Amanda complained, questioned why he was being such an asshole, questioned why she couldn't just have him, slapped him, constantly tried to touch him inappropriately, offered him a wad of cash, cried, and finally just beat the living shit out of him and dragged him into her car.

Some other car followed them.

Martha told Gilbert that she believed that the other car was Amanda's husband- a real fucking asshole supposedly. "You should see their kid... a genuine fucking loser that kid is."

After Martha referred to Amanda's child as a "genuine fucking loser" Gilbert saw hearts floating in the air. This was true love and he had never experienced it ever in his life. He asked Martha if she would like to go back to his house and smoke a bowl. She clutched her chest in disbelief... she had been in love with Gilbert for a long time.

That night, they bonded. They played it cool...content with "someday" rather than tonight, it's best to wait it out and create music to make a person feel comfortable first... then, go for that ass.

In a strange twist of events, it was Gilbert who went for that ass. They had achieved what so many other co-workers could only dream of...they saw each other incredibly stoned, and fulfilled that sexual fantasy. Amanda never smoked any weed with her favorite employee though. Now it's too late.

115. Bee Gees
"Nights On Broadway"  4:34
Main Course
Brisbane, Australia

Paul had one thing going for him: he was not some prog rock listening pretentious freak who thought he was way cooler than everybody else because he knew a thing or two about notes. He was just like everybody else. Therefore, he was a hot commodity at the trailer park.

George, age 42, frequently made dirty comments to underage girls. On the rare occasion in which they would say something in return to him, a whopping 6 times in his life...George would tell, and re-tell, time and time again until everybody was sick of it, exactly what the underage girl had said... never anything too extraordinary and 97% of the world's population had more flirtatious encounters with random cashiers at the local grocery store. This sort of behavior is what led to the aforementioned Gilbert eating lunch by himself.

Larry over in accounting based his happiness of any particular evening on whether or not he could score some action with the ladies. At work, he associated with his male co-workers. But after work, he wanted nothing to do with men. He had no time for places that had way more men than women, sausage fests, and considered all men potential cock blockers. The moment he clocked out, all species of the male gender annoyed the shit out of him.

Morton somehow managed to convince somebody that he was always extremely busy resolving important issues. People knew not to bother Morton because he was busy working to resolve the important issues that were making life better for everybody. However, nobody ever saw him working; he just sat by himself reading the newspaper at the café. This mother fucker wasn’t busy doing anything.

Stan, that other fucker over in Human Resources, felt that he was way more charming when talking to the ladies whenever he was good and stoned. It is true that he did enjoy enormous success rate when flirting with the ladies while super stoned. On the contrary, the women he flirted with only seemed appealing because he was stoned at the time. The women he was scoring with were normally serial killers, religious fanatics, or other women with various symptoms of severe neurotic issues.

These five people, who had never seen each other before, went out on the same night. They met each other by accident at the construction site where the new store was being built... and something just happened. Without much introduction, they walked downtown together. Something was bound to happen.


114. KC And The Sunshine Band
"Get Down Tonight"  5:21
KC And The Sunshine Band
Miami, FL

The five of them entered some unknown Nearby Tavern with a swagger, then stood and stared observing the scene. This was The Dance Club, it was 26 years ago. It was the greatest night of their lives and that one memory they shall always cherish.

They ordered drinks and made their way onto the dance floor. None of these fuckers knew how to dance... didn't even know how to dress. Somehow on this night they looked exquisitely stylish. And then the miracle happened... these fucking white boys could dance.

Within minutes, they were surrounded by the citizens of the community. Not long after that, Stan was fucking some girl on the table... then soon joined by her husband. Stan and her husband French kissed passionately, curling their tongues around each other, while the wife took turns sucking both of their dicks.

Morton finally got busy doing something... Hilda. He wasn't even inside her for 10 seconds when all of her friends, all over the age of 50, ravaged him and took turns straddling him to the beat of the song. They swung him around and grinded their bare booties up against his exposed shaft, allowing it to slip inside while they danced to the beat.

George, 42, was soon seduced by the same group of 50 year old women... there were no underage girls permitted here. The ladies shoved the two men side-by-side up against the wall and took turns grinding their booties against their exposed shafts, inserting it inside them, thrusting vigorously while inducing orgasm without even facing them. A Jamaican man stood in front of them, passed around a water bong, and groped the ladies' tits and rubbed their clits while they thrust their pussies up against George and Morton.

Larry found himself in the middle of a sausage fest. He was down on his knees with a slew of erect penises in his face. He eagerly sucked all of them until a dozen guys came all over his face. With a dozen massive wads of cum still seeping down his face, Maureen straddled over him and fucked him intensely while she licked the cum off his face. Another woman snorted a line of cocaine off of his bare chest and sucked off the same dozen guys that blew their wads in Larry's face. Larry ended up fucking her too.

Paul had already fucked everybody in the trailer park, so he didn't need any sexual satisfaction. Rather than participate in the massive drug induced orgy, his ass was up on stage with the band playing the trumpet. Jamming with the band on stage while a captivated audience was going fucking crazy... this was his greatest night in history. People need to do this shit periodically.

113. Earth, Wind & Fire
"That's The Way Of The World"  5:46
That's The Way Of The World
Chicago, IL

While every sinful activity known to mankind was taking place at The Dance Club, one man in a striped gray suit sat at a table by himself. He simply sat there with a smile watching everything, enjoying his ice cold beer. It was the best beer he ever had. All he wanted was that one beer. Once he finished it, he walked outside all alone.

It was dark outside and he gazed across the horizon at the dark sky. An airplane flew overhead; there was a bright flashing light that lit up the whole sky and a massive explosion deep within the trees. Although that forest obstructed his view, and The Fascinating City was quite a distance away, he could see the fire burning, he could hear the screams.

He was the one who saw it. He was the only witness.

It was daylight then, but that explosion ignited darkness. A man emerged from the forest wearing a similar suit as he was wearing at the time. Only this man was on fire. His face smoldered. The sole witness grew urgently somber, raced to his assistance, but the fellow in the similar suit dropped face down to the ground with his body smoldering. He was unsure what to do, tried to remain calm, but acted swiftly as well. He removed his gray coat and draped it over the burning man also wearing a gray coat in attempt to extinguish the flames. When he raised the coat to check if the flames had gone out, the body had perished... nothing there but smoke.

There was nothing he could have done. He was powerless. He tried to enter the forest, but the region had been quarantined. He tried to call the authorities, but there was no answer. Sirens sounded, apparently somebody had done something.

He spent the next 26 years pondering what he could have done differently. And the 26 years after that. And the 26 years after that. And 26 years beforehand. After that incident, time seemed to have no sequence... all elements of the past, present, and future seemed to play a significant role at once.

He dreamt of a ship that night... sailing away from a red circle in the sea.

That sky lit up and then turned to darkness as he walked away in silence. The flames soon perished, the bodies faded, and everything turned to black. He suspected that this was the prequel to a series of bizarre events that would unfold in the aftermath. After that, most of the world remained exactly the same... for 26 years.

112. Yvonne Fair
"Stay a Little Longer"  3:24
The Bitch is Black
Virginia, USA

That night, I tried everything in my power to reject Amanda. She suspected that it was because I wanted to be with Angela. I did not like Angela either.

Amanda kept trying to touch me, but I scooted away. She put her hand on my leg and I pretended nothing was happening. Once she began rubbing my crotch, I stood up to leave.

She wouldn't let me leave. She followed me outside and then dragged me to her house. I sat on the far end of the couch and was obviously uncomfortable. Even though I did not speak to her, she scooted closer to me and tried to kiss me. I was unresponsive to her kiss and declared that I had to leave because I had things to do.

That's when she finally lost it. She stood up quickly, grabbed my arm, and demanded that I stay. It was awkward. I didn't know how to respond and she grew furious.

"God damn it! Will you stop fucking running away from me. God! What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"Nothing, I just have to leave."

"OK, stop," she was pleading in desperation. "OK, look. It's... Ok. Fuck! I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I'm sorry, I'm bad at this. I just, I like you. I really like you. OK. I'm in love with you."

Those words nearly made me vomit. But she looked so desperate that I dropped my defense. She had me pinned against her wall, but her touch was gentle. "Please. Will you just give me a chance?" It came off as both a desperate request and a command. Maybe I felt sorry for her, I don't know. She tried to offer me everything, promised that it wasn't strictly about sex, vowed that she knew for a fact that I would like her too once I gave her a chance, and claimed she loved everything about me. Then concluded with: "Just let me have sex with you."

111. Harmonium
"En Pleine Face"  4:51
Si On Avait Besoin d'une Cinquieme Saison
Montreal, QC, Canada

There were millions of women in this world that I was attracted to, but only two were attracted to me, and they were both equally neurotic. I wasn't attracted to either of them.

The reality of the situation was that Amanda was married... even though she said that she was getting a divorce. Plus she had a kid, and it was one of those bastard ass mother fucking brats that cried all the God damn time. I hated those fucking kids and apparently I wasn't alone. There were reports of these bastards raping their school teachers and supposedly most of them fucked their own moms. I wasn't willing to delve into that subject and wasn't sure if I even believed it. At the same time, I was not willing to get too involved in anything serious with a woman who potentially fucked her own son; at very least spawned one of these demons.

I never met her husband, but I assumed that he was a jackass. All of them were.

Simply put, I did not trust Angela. She lied about everything and that might be why I didn't believe anything Amanda was saying in regards to this alleged divorce she was seeking. I didn't believe either of them actually liked me... let alone loved me. I had no clue what I did that had any appeal to either of them... and wished that whatever it was had any appeal to somebody else. Why couldn't somebody decent at least be moderately attracted to me? Just these two fucking freaks.

Amanda was just desperate. She had recently moved here for a promotion and probably just rediscovered herself. I just happened to be single and in a position where she could take advantage of me. Angela liked everybody. There were 50 zillion guys constantly around her... and all of them fucking douches. Why can't she just run off with a few them? Why do I have to be 50 zillion and one?

I just wanted to run off some place and be by myself.

110. Commodores
"This is Your Life"  5:54
Caught in the Act
Tuskegee, AL

I sat there on my couch wondering where it all went wrong. Suddenly, there was a strange man sitting beside me on my couch... some fucker with long hair and mustache wearing a gray pin striped suit. He seemed harmless, didn't say anything, and just sat there drinking a beer I had never even heard of. He offered me a beer, without saying a word, and I took a drink. It was some good fucking beer! Let's hope he's not trying to have sex with me too.

To my right, I was suddenly joined with two women dressed in black. They sat beside each other, both of them sipping a beer, one had her arm around me, yet neither looked over at me. The four of us just sat there quietly sipping a beer, listening to music, not speaking to each other. She did caress the back of my hair gently for a few seconds, then stopped, and rested her hand on her chin with her elbow propped behind me.

OK, I would gladly exchange these two for Amanda and Angela. However, those thoughts soon subsided. I didn't know who they were or how they got in here. They were obviously in my life to represent something, and that was probably something horrible. So I just sat quietly, hands in-between my legs, holding that icy cold bottle of mysterious beer, staring at the wall.

The walls turned black. The ceiling turned black. The floor turned black. All was black. The man in the striped suit looked over at me and smiled eerily. I tried to ignore it and turned over to look at the women... they were staring off into space and their faces were covered with blood.

He tapped me on the leg and stood up. The ladies, no longer covered in blood, stood up, patted me on the shoulder, and the three of them walked out of the door and shut off the lights.

My life had spiraled out of control.

A mysterious man showed up at my window. "So did mine," he said with a smile, "give up the routine." Those words were like magic, and I made a commitment to do so. After all, Amanda was dead and I was almost killed too.

109.  Pavlov's Dog
"Song Dance"  5:01
Pampered Menial
St. Louis, MO

Howard was released from prison today. He had been wrongly accused of a series of violent crimes, robberies, and a massive killing spree. Prior to being convicted, Howard was but some dork who played violin in the symphony. However, after serving 5 years for crimes he did not commit, he was no longer a dork. The prison time altered the way he played the violin, and he had no trouble finding people to jam with him.

Some people just cringe at the notion of successful celebrities, they don't want to hear them, they don't want to see them, and they are often disgusted with today's latest fashions. 

Whenever people like Andrew feel as if those around them aren't doing enough to make the world a better place, they take matters into their own hands, and do things themselves. They are motivated by anger, but they claim to not be angry.

Howard struggled with anger issues. There was obviously some resentment towards society after having served 5 years for crimes he didn't commit. Andrew was angry that Howard had to serve those five years.

This routine had to stop. "So," he said, "supposedly there's a black circle on the face of The Earth and a red circle way out in the Ocean. There's a black hole in The Universe. What are the odds that the black hole in The Universe coincides with the black spot on the face of The Earth?"

They took matters into their own hands and set forth to make history.


108. ZZ Top
"Backdoor Medley"  9:52
Fandango
Houston, TX

Since getting dumped, Harold officially declared that he was done with women for good. All of his relationships had ended miserably, and he decided he never wanted to go through the pain of a failed relationship ever again. 

However, he soon grew tired of being single and wished he had the companionship of another. Due to his past failures though, he suppressed these feelings. Anytime he had the opportunity to meet somebody, he would disregard the situation, imply to himself that it would just end in failure anyway, and then just go home and spend time by himself. Although he was longing for an everlasting relationship, he deemed himself unworthy and rarely went out anymore.

Mike tried to buy Gretchen’s love, but she took the gifts she received from him to Goodwill. All of the things that he bought her, she gave away to some other person. He felt betrayed by all of this. It did appear to be cold-hearted, but simply put, Gretchen despised Mike. However, he still insisted on buying her shit, even though she wanted nothing to do with him. Mike is one of the most miserable people on Earth.

In a span of one day: Gretchen took some shit Goodwill. Harold went to Goodwill and bought some shit. Mike went to Harold's house, saw the shit, and accused Harold of fucking Gretchen. Distraught that he stole his woman, Mike entered Harold's house with a gun and tried to kill him. Harold fled, drove away in his car, went to a tavern to hideout for a while hoping that Mike would come to his senses, and then mysteriously met a woman named Gretchen who he had never seen before. Mike went to the tavern to have a beer and calm down and discovered Harold and Gretchen seated at a table together. Mike flipped his lid. The two took off in Harold's car. Mike chased after them, shooting at them. There was a high speed pursuit, Mike shot Harold's tire, the tire blew, the car spun out of control and crashed into Goodwill. Mike chased after them, crashed his car into Goodwill, and an entire shelf full of shit that he had purchased for Gretchen came crashing down on top of his car.

Mike jumped out of the car and looked at all the merchandise in disbelief. 

Harold jumped out of his car, shouted, "See! I told you that I got that shit at Goodwill!" and took off running.

Gretchen emerged from the vehicle now dressed in all black clothes. She stared down Mike and dared him to say something.

Mike did say something. "You fucking bitch!" He pulled out his gun and pointed it at Gretchen.

A car that was on fire crashed into Goodwill and two other women dressed in black emerged from that vehicle armed with machine guns aimed at Mike.

Mike stood his ground. "Fine then!" he said while grabbing handfuls of the gifts he had purchased for Gretchen. "I bought all this shit, I'm taking it back." He loaded his trunk with the merchandise that he had previously paid for at full price, got in his car, and left.

Gretchen joined the other two women and they went out for their next mission. Harold's car exploded, backed out of the rubble of the demolished Goodwill wall, and then followed the other blazing vehicle.



107. Ted Nugent
"Stranglehold"  8:24
S/T
Detroit, MI

"That kid's going to rule the world someday."

"What?"

"Yea man, you shouldn't have fucked his mom."

I was walking down the sidewalk. An airplane flew overhead, something dropped from the compartment; there was a massive explosion up ahead in the distance.

(2:25) The world seemed to be moving in slow motion. It was twilight, it was evening, it was day, it was night. The moon moved abruptly, the sun—it was gone; something else was drawing nearer in the brightly lit night time sky.

I was walking down the sidewalk. A car that was on fire cruised past the street beside me. Another car followed it, also on fire.

There were a group of ladies dressed in business attire taking photographs of the construction site. A date had been set for the Grand Opening.

The first fiery car vehicle drove by slowly, monitored my possible destination, then sped away into the eccentric setting that had become an unknown enigma obscuring reality. The 2nd blazing vehicle pulled beside me traveling the same speed I was walking. The window rolled down; Amanda was in the backseat.

"I saw the madness. I tried to escape, but I did not know what to do."

The man in the gray striped suit leaned over her and put his face into the window area. "I saw the terrifying events unfold. I wanted to do something, but I did not know what to do."

The windows rolled themselves back up, Amanda and the man stared forward, and the blazing vehicle sped away. There was another man in a gray suit behind the 2nd blazing vehicle, on water skis, being pulled by the burning car. He was drinking an exotic drink in a cocktail glass, smiling joyfully.

"And I was part of it. All of it." He waved and continued enjoying his skiing expenditure up the concrete with a smile.

A ship sailed down the middle of the street. "Don't mind him," said The Captain, "he's just gone astray. We have it all under control."

"Wait! Wait!"

Two guys ran down the sidewalk. They had found the link to the passageway they were seeking. The ship stopped and the two guys boarded it. They waved as they rode away on board the sailing ship. "I just got out of prison!"

A strange woman stopped me and spoke sternly, "what is this store?"

A crowd of people waited at the bottom of the hill, staring at me, seemingly waiting for me. I simply walked through them and tried to ignore them. They were all women, all elegantly dressed, and each of them faced me as I passed; one-at-a-time they repeated the same message.


"Hey," grabbing my shoulder trying to gain my attention, "there are people trying to kill you."

106. Rush
"Rivendell"  5:01
Fly By Night
Willowdale, ON  Canada

Luther spent the whole day sitting by the lake. He enjoyed it so much that he spent the whole next day there as well. And the day after that. And the day after that. Now, there is just a skeleton sitting by the lake, covered in cobwebs.

I approached the lake and had a seat next to the skeleton covered in cobwebs. This was indeed a beautiful spot. It was an Enchanted Sanctuary. Once upon a time, it seemed nothing evil could ever come here.

The skeleton turned his head and spoke to me, "it's going to be all right, little lady; everything is going to be just fine."

I clutched the skeletons hand and we looked out upon the lake. Birds were chirping, ducks swam, deer ate gourmet delicacies that grew abundantly just for them, and the spider who now resided on the skeleton sat calmly on her web reading a magazine. I was trying to catch a glimpse as to what the spider was reading and the spider offered to show me but kindly explained, "Spider shit. You wouldn't understand."

"My husband killed me," I don't know, I needed to confide in somebody. This skeleton seemed good enough. But talking seemed inappropriate at this moment. 

A visitor arrived from another planet and sat with us. We simply lied back and relaxed on our lounge chairs, looking over the lake, the forest, the mystical beauty held in this Enchanted Sanctuary. 

The visitor was obviously from some other galaxy... you could tell he wasn't from around here. I looked over at Luther; he was no longer a skeleton. He seemed normal, super chill, this was 26 years ago.

The land turned to black. The lake was gone. Everything was a dead desolate wasteland. Luther was a skeleton, I was still dead, and the visitor seemed unchanged. We just sat there with our Paradise beach chairs resting on the blackened soil of the disaster site, The Blackened Pits of Death. This is today.

A purple flower sprouted from the arm rest of a lounge chair in which we were sitting. This was tomorrow.


105. Nazareth
"Please Don't Judas Me"  9:48
Hair Of The Dog
Dunfermline, Scotland

I felt so betrayed...  killed by my own husband. Well, I did file for divorce, so fuck him.

The one I fell in love with rejected me, I guess fuck him too.

The Enchanted Sanctuary of Miracles had turned into the blackened pits of death. Fuck whoever was responsible for this.

They say that a place called The Fascinating City once blossomed here. It got bombed? Fuck whoever did that shit.

Where was I in all of this? Blind, that's where I was. I went to school. I got married. I had kids. That's what I was supposed to do. That's where I went wrong. I followed that same routine that they claimed that everybody was supposed to follow. That's who betrayed me. Fuck all of them. Fuck that whole systematic way of living.

How did I not see this sooner? I suppose I wasn't allowed to see it sooner. It was never taught to us. But how did some other people see through it. Like him. That fucker. He rejected me. Fuck him.

Maybe he rejected me because I was an integral part of the routine that he saw unfit for the meaning of a life that is far too short. Fuck me. I betrayed myself.

But I was on my way out of it. I saw the light so to say. Was that wrong? I wanted out of the routine; I wanted to reconsider the process; I just wanted to be me. That was not allowed.

Fuck that. Fuck all of that. Fuck that process. Fuck that routine. Fuck everything I ever learned. Fuck everybody who tried to teach me anything. And fuck everybody who taught them everything. Fuck how this whole thing began in the first place.

(Pause)

And fuck your stupid ass spider shit... the spider glanced from the magazine and peered up at me and stared back sternly... faggot!

The spider simply shook her head, rolled her eyes, and went back to reading the magazine. "Bitch!" Didn't even bother looking up from the magazine when she said that. Fuck that spider.

104. Styx
"Suite Madame Blue"  6:34
Equinox
Chicago, IL

The spider crawled onto my foot and looked at me, "spread your legs... bitch."

I looked at the little whore, "why? Are you trying to fuck me?"

"I'm a black widow, I can fuck you up!"

"Ha! I'm already dead."

I spread my legs and spider crawled up my leg and weaved an elegant web in-between my bent knees. She sat in the center of the web, crafted a glass monitor, and we both gazed into the looking glass at the contents being revealed.

There was a planet far away from here. There was another moderately closer. This was The Enchanted Sanctuary of Miracles. The two planets collided. A species called The Human Race was spawned.

We watched further. The Human Race multiplied. There was an amazing city that prospered. There was a unique place in The Universe.

(2:48) The Lake was a deep electric blue and the sky was colorful. Species of all sorts gathered around the lovely lake. And then came the miracle. Followed by the splitting of the land. A fascinating city blossomed. There were all sorts of lovely people smiling on a beautiful day. Thousands of them, and each of them uniquely brilliant.

(3:38) An airplane flew overhead, something dropped from the compartment, there was an explosion.

(3:46) All the fascinating people were burned alive. Their faces blistered. They screamed in pain. The army of the great empire invaded other lands. They ravaged the streets with guns, tanks, missiles, explosions. The military of the great empire shot people, bombed houses, bullied other men in suits, slapped another leader in the face, spit on the floor, and pissed in the lake. The great empire ruled the world as buildings crumbled. An ugly man in an ugly suit counted wads of money. This was their prize.

103. Neil Sedaka
"Bad Blood"  3:09
The Hungry Years
New York, NY/Los Angeles, CA

There was massive anticipation surrounding the opening of the new store... to the extreme it reached the point of hysteria. However, they never said exactly what the new store was going to be, this was kept secret and intended to be a surprise once it opened.

Even though nobody knew for sure what this store was going to be, there was much speculation as to what the store would be. Each person in the community had their hearts set on what they hoped it would be.

We need an electronics store.

A record store.

A clothing store.

An all new store unlike anything that ever happened before.

This was coupled with uncontrollable fears that the store could be something awful. A Wal Mart. Some stupid ass place that sold a bunch of worthless shit. A coleslaw company. Residents of the community woke up from dreadful nightmares, screaming, drenched in sweat, afflicted with terrifying fear, deathly afraid from the most horrendous premonition that seemed so real in the most dire blood curdling nightmare imaginable... this store could be a Kohl's. "No. No," they screamed in their sleep, "Noooo!!!!"   

People even got into heated arguments over what they wanted out of this store and some families were divided. They bickered over what type of store was more essential. Jo-Ann Fabrics was far more needed than Pier 1 Imports. No, mother fucker, nothing is more important than Pier 1 Imports!

Fuck that! Jo-Ann Fabrics.

Gang fights erupted in the streets over what it should be, even though nobody knew any of the details as of yet.

Numerous rumors had circulated involving this store. People had heard from reliable sources that executives from Jo-Ann Fabrics had been scouting this property. Others claimed that Pier 1 Imports had key officials involved with creating a grand deluxe superstore. Somebody claimed that Jo-Ann Fabrics and Pier 1 Imports had merged and this extravagant new store was going to be a wondrous marvel from the The Universe that featured products from both Jo-Ann Fabrics AND Pier 1 Imports. That would be like dying and going to heaven.

Regardless, the community soon realized that it was either going to be a Jo-Ann Fabrics or a Pier 1 Imports. Only time would tell. But tensions raged and people placed bets as to whether it was going to be the most awesome Jo-Ann Fabrics in history, or the mind-numbing absolutely spectacular Pier 1 Imports that would change the course of history.


102. The Blue Effect
"Hypertenze"  12:33
Modrý Efekt & Radim Hladík
Praha, Czech Republic

The explosion rattled the buildings and the streets shook violently. I had no idea the cause of this; I just knew that it was happening. Outside I could hear the screams. Walking home was even more frightening.

For reasons unknown, I had numerous premonitions that I was going to die soon. There were too many indicators and I knew my tragic death was waiting soon. 

However, I survived the first assassination attempt. I heard that gunshot and immediately dropped to the ground. After the second gunshot, I covered my head, and then busted glass and candles poured on top of my head. When everything cleared, I saw Amanda lying dead on the floor.

I had no idea who did it at first. It was until later that I realized that it was her husband and he committed suicide shortly afterwards. Those gunshots haunt my dreams. I hear them when they aren't there. I see them on the streets. Everywhere I turn, somebody is aiming their gun at me. It's just a matter of time before I meet my fate.

That job at the store sucked anyway. An assassination attempt is justification enough for me to switch jobs. It did not take me long to find a new job either because I was willing to do anything at that point. People are fairly responsive when you say you will do anything.

And everything I did. I found employment at a bar working the late nights. My shift did not end until after 2:00 AM, and even then we had to do several cleaning duties. Some nights we had to work until 4:00 AM.

That was fine by me. Working at a bar has its benefits. There are lots of people here. I've met a lot of new people; talked to some pretty girls... they seem to like me.

But, there's drama every night also. Mother fuckers get drunk and start shit all the time. People even try to start shit with me and I don't fuck with anybody. Some dude claimed that I was trying to fuck his girlfriend, some other asshole got bent out of shape because he didn't like the drink I made, and a whole group of women threatened me over something I said... it was just a joke, but I'm not one to fuck with an entire bachelorette party.

Walking home at night was scary. I would often here cats hissing and was growing afraid of my own shadow. I felt like I was being followed. One night I was being followed... by 16 different people and I didn't know any of them. The bus was freaky too.

While leaving the work the other night, a mysterious half-eaten bucket of Church's Fried Chicken was discovered in the back room. The presence of another created a chilling feeling that bordered terrifying. The fog outside made matters even creepier; as if we were being watched; stalked; followed. We ask: "how many people are trying to kill me?"



101. Fela Kuti
"Expensive Shit"  13:13
Expensive Shit
Abeokuta, Nigeria (1938)-Lagos, Nigeria (1997)

The day finally arrived when the new store was scheduled to open. The front entrance was heavily concealed with a large canvas so that nobody could see the contents. This was a huge day and every single person in the community gathered around and awaited the official Grand Opening. Numerous bets had been placed as to whether or not it was going to be a Jo-Ann Fabrics or a Pier 1 Imports. After the announcement, all things would be officially finalized.

A man in a business suit finally emerged onto the parking lot and greeted the humongous crowd that had gathered around the site of marvel. The moment he walked out, everybody cheered loudly, clapped their hands, and a few chanted "Pier 1 Imports, Pier 1 Imports."

He stood in front of the canvas and readied the announcement. People's hearts raced as they clutched handkerchiefs and kept their fingers crossed.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much fine people. Thank you all for coming out today. (Shouting enthusiastically) Are you ready for a new store!!!!"

People cheered! Screamed! "Are you ready!!!" He shouted again as the crowd roared.

"I present to you..."

It grew deathly silent as the moment intensified,

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is with great pleasure that I present to you... Thhheeeee great!!! (pause)..."

The name of the store was revealed simultaneously with the canvas being removed to display the brand new store. 

"... Piggly Wiggly."

The canvas was ripped down in one swoop and there was a brand new Piggly Wiggly grocery store with a man in a suit wearing a gigantic pig mascot head. The man wearing the pig head shook his head up and down to provide full animation of the extraordinary new store. Cameras closed in and offered an extreme close up of the pig face bobbing up and down; the pig face looked creepy, to say the least.

People in the community were a bit surprised. But just as they made their way down the hill and into the parking lot towards the announcer, the new store, and the man wearing the pig head, an unknown person dressed in a black skirt with black boots was perched on a rooftop; she cocked a rifle and fired it at the store.

Upon the first gunshot, people screamed and transpired into a state of panic. The sniper shot again, and kept shooting. She shot out all of the windows of the new Piggly Wiggly. It appeared she was attempting to shoot the man wearing the pig mask and he darted inside the store. The mob of people raced towards the store in a state of total chaos. The sniper fired shots into the crowd and there was an uproar of frantic people who screamed loudly.

They stampeded their way across the parking lot and into the new Piggly Wiggly to escape the armed assailant who knew no limitations. The person armed with the rifle shot out all the windows, shot out the door, and shot out the illuminated glass letters bearing the Piggly Wiggly logo across the store.

It was utter chaos as fear coerced the raging mob. The gunshots would not stop. Shoppers once hopeful of a gigantic Jo-Ann Fabrics super sale were now screaming, shouting, and had turned completely insane. Bullets continued being fired from an unknown source. The mob ran down the cereal aisle, all of them, most noticeably some guy wearing a gigantic pig costume. The bullets struck the merchandise and blasted entire boxes of cereal onto the sparkling tiled floor. Somebody tripped and fell in a pile of raisin bran and the mob stumbled over her.

For no reason, a person tried to steal a box of instant oatmeal but it was shot out of his hands by the sniper. People were slipping and sliding in oatmeal, cereal, and Kellogg's Corn Flakes.

Cans of 7-Up exploded, decorating the brightly lit elegantly displayed grocery aisles with enormous streams of the clear decaffeinated soda pop.

The unruly mob went into a state of utter hysteria and began destroying the merchandise themselves. The scene raged out of control as the fearful rioters of potential shoppers ripped open bags of trail mix, cake batter, flour, and wheat germ, then spilled the contents onto the brand new elegantly polished floor. They were busting jars of peanut butter. Somebody threw a can of green beans at an aisle sign and dropped it to the floor... which exploded upon impact even though it did contain anything flammable. They opened the cash registers and looted the candy and tabloid magazines, while busting out the lights and the signs that indicated the number used to identify the specific register lane. A group of people leaped over the customer service desk and began wreaking havoc.

The news crews were waiting outside. A terrorist attack has struck at the great new Piggly Wiggly.

You could hear screams in the background... gunshots... a dissatisfied murmur in the trees... "Piggly Fucking Wiggly."

People sat glued to their TV screens in a state of dreadful fear.

A group of people watched the madness on a black and white security monitor. There it was. The man in the Piggly Wiggly mascot costume opened up a gallon of chocolate milk and tried to drink it. However, it spilled all over the mask. It pulled up the mask in order to drink the chocolate milk properly so that it would actually enter his mouth. They watched closely, staring, awaiting. Who was this man? Right as he raised that mask to expose his/her face... Oh my God, it's...

The screen went blank. Fade out.






















On Deck: Black Oak Arkansas
"Ace In The Hole"  3:42
X-Rated
Black Oak, Arkansas










Top Image By: Classquest
Bottom Image By: Corrie Del Mezzogiorno

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