Part 1: Previews of Coming Attractions
Part 2: Muff Stench Hysteria
Part 3: Doctor Visits Shrink
Part 4: Sausage Controversy
Part 5: Customer Appreciation Party
Part 6: Zubar's Curse
Part 7: The Gynecologist's Bad Acid Trip
Part III: Doctor Visits Shrink
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
125. Broken Bones
Jonathan Pritchard never had dreams or ambitions of becoming a gynecologist. Truth be known, he never knew exactly what he wanted out of life. He developed a rebellious nature in high school, and was that genius kid that teachers were overly concerned due to under-achieving and frequent insubordination. His mother basically forced him to enroll in college. Equal parts a rebellion against his parents, and a joke against the rest of society, Pritchard declared that he would pursue a degree in gynecology. Surprisingly enough, his family actually approved the decision. They figured that in the length of time required to earn that degree, he would eventually outgrow his rebellious nature and become more responsible in accordance to the standards of regular society... it was also considered a high-paying job.
124. Lip Cream
"R.I.P. Off" 2:00
9 Shocking Terror
Like most other college students, Jonathan Pritchard dedicated a significant portion of his time partying, drinking, smoking weed, and making bad decisions his friends would ridicule for months. However, he was smart enough to where intense studying was not a requirement to receive adequate grades. He was prone to write outrageous essays and occasionally make eccentric comments in class. Although he later wished he chose a different profession, he did obtain a PHD. The majority of this time was spent conflicted with the struggle as to whether finish school early and accept a degree that required a shorter time in school, or continue with college because working in any office would prove significantly worse.
123. That Petrol Emotion
Dr. Pritchard's "ideal" life differed greatly than the version held by his peers. He had no desire to live in a sub-division surrounded by middle-aged parents and the thought of having children sickened him. The mere sound of kid's voices annoyed him and he despised the word "mommy"; the way people spoke to children annoyed him too. People wrongfully assumed that his PhD and proprietorship of his own clinic indicated the similar set of morals as that of the authoritative oppressing class; upper class white people assumed him a welcome neighbor. That was far from the truth.
122. Element of Crime
"Don't You Smile" 5:19
Try to be Mensch
Unfortunately, the fact that he was regarded as a prestigious doctor and lived in a sub-division, he considered his life a complete failure. Dr. Pritchard would rather have no affiliation with any of his peers. During mandatory conventions and various other meetings, he felt alienated from the rest of the doctors. Conversations with these people were grueling and he appalled their topics of interest, the way they dressed, and the monotonous subjects they found humorous. It was a mutual feeling, for they despised his tactics as well; he was commonly regarded as a failure by the other doctors. Pritchard once caused immense controversy with the medical board over comments he wrote in an essay for a prestigious medical journal. The article insinuated: "Men are most attracted to muffs that bear the closest resemblance to their mother's muff. This notion is based on a complex psychological conditioning process that had been instilled upon them at birth. The muff from which they surfaced into this world will become the protocol in which all other muffs are measured."
Ever since the publication of that theory, Dr. Pritchard was regarded as an agitator and a potential embarrassment to the board of medicine. In return, he ceased attending their functions altogether and made numerous attempts to disassociate himself with those people. He was actually prejudice against other physicians and hated golf as well.
121. Tragic Mulatto
"Monkey Boy" 3:36
Locos Por El Sexo
San Francisco, CA
It had finally reached the point where Dr. Pritchard had no real friends whatsoever, and spent the majority of his time all alone. Even though this was partially his own decision, he was growing tired of these lonely streets, and desired a change. However, by day, he was never alone- he was surrounded by patients and various other incompatible people who wished to socialize with him. There was no true connection with any of them, although he tolerated them, but felt himself becoming more withdrawn from society. And, he had become completely disgusted with sight of most of these muffs he had to examine in his office; it was the same damn muffs day in and day out.
"The Puppy" 3:41
Little Baby Buntin'
Due to Dr. Pritchard's perceived eccentric behavior, his clinic had become irregular as well. Rule #1 of the clinic was that the office was to forever remain free of "Dr.'s Office Music." Dr. Pritchard purposely played anti-Dr.'s Office music... such as Killdozer. Rule #2: The price of any routine visit shall never exceed the average cost of a monthly electric bill; Dr. Pritchard would run various sales if he felt that was earning too much income. The prices for procedures at Dr. Pritchard's clinic was less than half the price charged at other clinics; this was evident given the clientele. Furthermore, Dr. Pritchard refused to share an office with another doctor unless they shared these same beliefs, which none did. All patients referred to their vaginal areas as "muffs."
119. Eric B. & Rakim
"Paid in Full" 3:49
Paid in Full
New York, NY
Dr. Pritchard hoped that his unconventional practices would lead to a limited clientele and only attract people with similar beliefs as he. However, it was the opposite. People felt extremely at ease confiding in Dr. Pritchard; they could comfortably discuss potentially embarrassing personal matters related to their muffs with him. He was awarded consideration for "the coolest doctor in the city" and his clinic boasted significantly more patients than the next three busiest combined. Other doctor's would visit his office, some going so far to insist that his environment was "wrong" and a disgrace to the field; they predicted he would go out of business. This never happened, they were the ones who were wrong.
118. Blind Idiot God
"Tired Blood" 5:00
St. Louis, MO/New York, NY
The disapproval from his peers was bothersome. Other doctors should have realized that unconventional methods had been proven successful due to the fact that his clinic held a significantly higher volume than those continuously clutching to traditional customs. At the very least, the members of the medicine board should accept the fact that Dr. Pritchard conducts his affairs differently and respect this practice as a viable alternative to those with unique needs. Instead, the other doctors constantly attempted to degrade him. They levied his clinic with fines and a rash of insults disgracing his ethics. As a result, Dr. Pritchard decorated his office with a quote from Albert Einstein: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." This did lead to a decrease in complaints across the board.
117. Half Man Half Biscuit
"Reasons to be Miserable (Part 10)" 4:27
Back Again in the D.H.S.S.
Throughout his life, Dr. Pritchard had made several attempts to conform with the standards that defined a somewhat normal life. Prior to his days of melancholic loneliness, he was in a relationship with a woman named Gail for several years; the two were even engaged to be married. However, their relationship was tarnished due to her extreme lack of approval for his profession. During the period of their engagement, Dr. Pritchard wrote a book that was on the verge of being published. The book was titled "Guidelines For a Happy Muff" and it entailed healthy remedies to avoid contracting common gynecological problems. The book featured photos of Dr. Pritchard performing his work, and his fiancé viewed his fingers plunged inside a woman's muff as him cheating on her. Gail unexpectedly retaliated by posing for a series of pornographic photo shoots in which depicted her giving other men hand jobs. His fiancé left him a few weeks before the wedding; the book was published shortly afterwards.
"Squeeze the Trigger" 6:15
Newark, NJ/Los Angeles, CA
After Gail left, more complications began mounting. There were hassles with the I.R.S. because they were in disbelief with his rates and accused him of cheating on his taxes. Seemingly all at once, perhaps because he was now vulnerable, his foes utilized these misfortunes as an opportunity to disgrace his practices. Furthermore, his book was not initially acclaimed by critics due to its' controversial subject matter. The material contained within caused such dissonance that it was eventually met with protest; most book stores refused to carry it. As a result of the lackluster appeal, the publishing company attempted to sue Dr. Pritchard on ground that he had defamed an honorable business. Although the agency was unsuccessful, the lawsuit ruined any notion of Dr. Pritchard ever publishing another book. This is when he grew even more defiant and refused to cooperate with any conventional standards.
"Fuck or Die" 1:00
Don't Be Swindle
Following the conflict regarding the whole book debacle, coupled with human nature following a marriage engagement gone awry, Dr. Pritchard discontinued insincere politeness to members of the board who did not approve of his practices. They would offer suggestions for a more traditional environment, and he would blatantly tell them to "fuck off!" Other doctors expressed their disapproval of the music featured in his office; he belittled their music selection by insinuating their patients had all become morons as a result of the brainless shit they had been succumbed to while waiting hours to see Dr. Thompson. Ironically, the same patients who annoyed him were the decisive factors in the victories that essentially left the medical board defenseless. These patients stuck by him and unleashed tirades of their own against other doctors "inspecting" his clinic.
114. Μωρά Στη Φωτιά
"Το παυσίπονο" 2:39
Veria, Greece/Thessaloniki, Greece
Agnes Pritchard, Dr. Pritchard's mother, stopped into the clinic for her monthly visit. Their topics and tones of conversation resembled that of other common mother/son relationships, only their discussion occurred while the son was examining his mother's muff. As usual, Agnes expressed concern for her son, and worried about his depleted mental condition. She advised him to seek a therapist, or else his problems would never be resolved. He responded by informing her that her muff was perfectly happy.
"Ερωτευμένοι Σχιζοφρενείς" 3:36
Πάρτυ στον 13ο όροφο
Dr. Pritchard avoided any confrontation with his mother, even though this worrisome routine was growing increasingly common. Although he felt the constant advice to seek therapy was intrusive, he would never disrespect his mother. After she narrated her long list of complaints about her son, and about how he used to be, and about how nobody should ever lead a miserable in life, she finally successfully encouraged him to consult with a psychiatrist; even though he felt as if he did not need to see one.
THE VISIT WITH THE PSYCHIATRIST:
"Snake Pit" 3:54
Ticket to Mayhem
Dr. Pritchard feared entering the psychiatric clinic and considered it the most abominable thing he had ever done. In actuality, according to guidelines that signify healthy/sane mental conditions, this visit was long overdue. Therefore, his fear of even entering the Mental Health Clinic may have been akin to visiting a dentist knowing beforehand that a root canal would be imminent. The receptionist handed him a clipboard with a questionnaire to fill out. He officially hated these things too and made a resolution to extinguish them at his office. People in the waiting area seemed normal at first, but upon further observation, they were severely mentally disturbed and it was apparent that he was in a Mental Health Clinic. "Have I become like these people", he wondered. They finally called his name.
"No Religion" 2:59
Houston, TX/San Francisco, CA
Since Dr. Pritchard had a PhD of his own, and despised the majority of his peers, Dr. Pritchard never visited a doctor's office; most certainly not a psychiatry clinic. This particular psychiatry office functioned in the exact same manner in which most other doctor's offices operated-- the complete opposite of his Gynecology Clinic. At first, he questioned whether or not he should have went into psychiatry, but then recalled the other patients in the waiting area and thought differently. Perhaps they would be even loonier than his current clientele... or would they?
110. Minimal Compact
The Figure One Cuts
Being as Dr. Pritchard presumed he had no mental disorders whatsoever, the opening minutes of the session were deliberately awkward. Furthermore, because he specialized in unconventional medical practices, he did not approve of the methods demonstrated in this office. Dr. Pritchard was extremely uncomfortable lying on the couch with another man seated over him staring unpleasantly while jotting down secretive assessments on a clipboard; he not only questioned how this method became standard, but why this procedure even exists. The shrink, Dr. Flabato, offered only a curt explanation, while examining Dr. Pritchard's records, and flipping through the pages. Finally, he asked, "Do you wish things had been different, Dr. Pritchard?"
Dr. Pritchard: "Yes, of course I wish things were different."
Dr. Flabato: "How? Different how?"
Vancouver, BC Canada
Dr. Pritchard: "I wish the entire spectrum of life was different. Sometimes, I wish I were a different species altogether, and the traits that define human nature be significantly altered than what they are now."
(The moment he said this, he regretted having said it based on Dr. Flabato's now perception of him, as indicated by Dr. Flabato's facial expression and the fact that he noticeably jotted some notes with more intensity.) "I guess I just wish my daily routine wasn't exactly the same day in and day out." (He regretted saying that too.)
108. In Tua Nua
"No Solution" 4:18
Binn Éadair, Ireland
Dr. Flabato: "I hate to inform you, Dr. Pritchard, human instinct is exactly that. And, you too are a human being, and follow this exact same path of instinct. Had you grown weary of the fact that you were born a human being, and unsatisfied with that regard, I am sorry Dr. Pritchard, but nothing can be done to change that. Perhaps there is something else that is troubling you? Something in your past that may have led you to believe things could be different in your life?"
Dr Pritchard: "Maybe it was Vance."
Dr. Flabato: "Who is Vance?"
107. The Bolshoi
"Crack in Smile" 6:09
Dr Pritchard: "Just some guy. I did not really know him that well, only met him a couple times; I don't even recall his last name. He was the boyfriend of this woman I interned with during college. She and I saw each other every day and she spoke of him frequently. But, there were problems in their relationship. Vance was a loser, and it was just a matter of time before she dumped him.
Everybody else employed at this clinic assumed we were together... some even referred to her as my wife. Perhaps there was an attraction there, but we never did anything because of Vance. By the time she finally dumped Vance, I had started dating Gail, who I eventually engaged. After the engagement, most assumed that this other girl was my fiance and not Gail.
However, she eventually met some other guy... they moved in one direction and I moved in the complete opposite direction, and haven't seen her since. So, I wonder, if it weren't for Vance, maybe I would have delved into a relationship with Darlene instead of Gail. Then, my life would be different. You see, I acted differently around Darlene, she brought a different side of me that few have experienced."
Dr. Flabato: "How often do you think of this Vance?"
Dr. Pritchard: "Never, until just now. For whatever reason that just came into my head."
106. Vanessa Paradis
M & J
St-Maur des Fossés, France
Dr. Flabato: "These random thoughts just pop up into your head, Dr. Pritchard? Mysteriously? Without you putting any effort into it?"
Dr. Pritchard: "Yes, they're just thoughts."
Dr. Flabato: "They're delusions, Dr. Pritchard. You have become delusional."
Dr. Pritchard: "They are merely thought processes, Dr. Flabato. By your rationale, any time a person thinks of anything, they are but delusions."
St. Petersburg, Russia
Dr. Flabato: "Thinking of matters that do not exist, Dr. Pritchard, are delusions. And, I'm afraid your condition is much worse than you realize. You have eradicated this delusional fantasy that you would have this ideal life if your paths had not crossed with this Vance character. Delusions, Dr. Pritchard, your life has become filled with delusions, so filled that you now think this alternate life exists and it is complicating your perception of reality. Apparently, these delusions have gotten so far out of control, they just mysteriously 'pop up' as you so elegantly put it."
Dr. Pritchard: "I just had another thought just pop up, maybe you might think this is but a delusion too."
Dr. Flabato: "What sort of thought, Dr. Pritchard?"
"No Time" 2:13
Stealing From Helpless Children
Dr. Pritchard: "I have this theory that there are far more advanced races in the universe living right now. These other species have developments that we could never even conceive, let alone ever devise. So, I have to ask myself, what qualities about Earth would make us appealing to another race on another planet... an advanced race. I would have to say the music, first and foremost. The people on Earth have devised numerous instruments to create a symphony of sounds that could serve as the soundtrack for any situation in the universe. (smiles) Me, I prefer the music that is the soundtrack for other worlds other than our own."
Dr. Flabato: "Another delusion! And this delusion just popped up into your head? Mysteriously? Dr. Pritchard? And now it appears that you are so distraught that you are aggressively seeking support from other delusional creatures, creatures from Outer Space nonetheless, in which you have fabricated in your troubled mind."
Dr. Pritchard: "It did. But that's not all of it. Based on the perception of these fabricated creatures, so to say, from outer space, that there is the possibility that Earthling females are the most beautiful in the universe. And, that it may be possible...
103. Steaming Coils
The Tarkington Table
Granada Hills, CA
"...that a race of grotesque aliens from another planet could invade Earth with sole intention of having sexual intercourse with the women of Earth. This race may be a friendly race, you see, as they had heard rumors across The Universe that fat white women from the planet Earth are the best lovers. They will offer in exchange some of their own women for male Earthlings to enjoy sexual experiences. These aliens insist that we should experiment with these women, because in their perception, they are not incongruous at all for it was how they had been accustomed. As a token of commitment, they display the filthy green slimy muffs of the women residing on their planet assuming that the people of Earth would be even remotely impressed.
However, we are not impressed in the slightest least bit. We want nothing to do with this exchange and kindly reject the offer. They, in turn, become belligerent, and assassinate some random guy from Earth. Afterwards, the alien attempts have sex with the guy's wife.
The alien takes this woman to bed, but she blatantly refuses any of his services. The poor alien is deeply saddened by the rejection, and ponders numerous strategies to court this woman for sexual gratification. After a number of complete failures, the wife officially exclaims that this extra terrestrial being, from who knows where, is never going to stick that nasty alien cock into her savory muff.
Being as this an advanced race with numerous advancements of their own, the alien informs the beautiful woman that he has the ability to transform his cock into anything she wants.
In response, she says she wants her dead husband back.
So, the alien transforms his cock into her husband, in exact form, 5'10", exactly like he was before this creature ate him. Furthermore, he is able to talk, think, everything as before... he's alive... but attached to this alien's scrotum.
The woman is so excited to see her husband that she touches his face and kisses him passionately. This is extremely arousing to the alien, sort of like a blowjob... and the alien eventually ejaculates just from this woman kissing her own husband.
This has a happy ending for all parties. She keeps the alien for she now has her husband back; the alien receives constant sexual pleasure from an Earthling woman; and the husband never died. The only exception is, is that everywhere they go, the husband is attached to the alien's balls."
Dr. Flabato: "And I suppose all of this just magically popped up into your head? Just now? Dr. Pritchard?
Dr. Pritchard: "Yep."
Dr. Flabato: "Delusions!"
"At the Gallow's End" 5:49
Dr. Flabato: "Dr. Pritchard, there is no legitimate reason for you to have any anxiety whatsoever. You get paid lucratively to lazily sit around in a climate controlled office, and look at women's muffs."
Dr. Pritchard: "Not all muffs are worth seeing."
Dr. Flabato: "I'm not finished, Dr. Pritchard. Some people spend their entire earnings just trying to see one muff, while you earn a respectable salary to observe several of them daily. You have a good job and, for whatever reason, your patients seem to like you. That's all that matters. Any sort of unhappiness you are experiencing is a direct result of the delusional state of your mental condition. I suggest you focus on what's important, Dr. Pritchard, what actually exists. I am going to prescribe you medication and make a recommendation that you be temporarily committed into an institution for further treatment."
101. The Gerogerigegege
"Anal Beethoven" 4:30
Being a doctor has additional perks other than high pay.
Dr. Pritchard: "Thank you, Dr. Flabato. I too am going to prescribe you some medication, and recommend that you seek further evaluation as well."
Dr. Flabato shook his head in disgust. The two doctor's each wrote the other a prescription... although Dr. Pritchard's was irrelevant because Dr. Flabato did not even have a muff and was obviously not experiencing irregular complications with his pregnancy. Dr. Pritchard also recommended that Dr. Flabato visit Dr. Tressleman, who was easily Dr. Pritchard's least favorite O.B. in the city.
Top Image By: Owning Pink
Bottom Image by: Dr. Despres