Part 1: Proper Etiquette Goes Both Ways
Part 2: Life Outside the Store
Part 3: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Part 4: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Part 5: Love Affairs With Customers
Part 6: Gettin' Mutha Fuck'n Crazy at Pier 1 Imports
Part 7: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Part 8: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Part IV: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Press play on the image below to listen to the songs while you read.
Occasionally, a group of employees will go out on the town after work with a group of customers they met that night. These can be fun times, provide lots of memories, and are almost always discussed amongst peers in each group. Should the employees and customers see each other again, there is sort of a bond that has been created, and work becomes more enjoyable. In some cases, the employees of the establishment soon become customers wherever one of the other members works, and get "hooked up".
"Crystal Ball" 5:23
Epicus Doomicus Metallicus
Most establishments have at least one employee who is totally annoying to the other employees, and they all talk dreadfully about this person behind his/her back. Then, a customer will enter, have an unpleasant experience with the dreadful person, and share that experience with another employee. A friendship is now formed. The other employees overhear this, and join in the discussion sharing moments in which the dreadful person has pissed them off severely.
"Domain Of Dreams" 6:41
There's always another employee who all the other co-workers genuinely like, but is simply not into the same things as the others; i.e. different music, movies. A random customer might come in, and through casual conversation, express that he/she has similar interests as the company misfit. Now, this random customer is suddenly a celebrity in this establishment...that's the customer who so and so likes.
122. Sielun Veljet
"Säkenöivä Voima" 3:00
Kuka Teki Huorin
People whose jobs consist of dealing with customers, actually enjoy customers whose gestures are outside the norm- so long as they are friendly and smile. They may not always agree with the person, but it definitely beats the same boring dull routine where every other customer asks the exact same frequently asked questions- or purchase the exact same products- or engage in the exact same topic of conversations.
121. Dead Kennedys
"Triumph of the Swill" 2:17
Bedtime For Democracy
San Francisco, CA
Employees sometimes encounter customers who will share their personal beliefs on life, politics, the problems of the world, and potential solutions to these problems. However, all of these beliefs will be the exact opposite of what the employee believes...outside of work the employee has stated among friends that he/she hates people who think this way. It is an odd situation when the now hated person is an otherwise good customer, and the employee is not permitted to disagree with the person; the employee has to avoid confrontation and pretend to agree, even though this goes against everything he/she stands for.
120. Public Image Ltd.
Compact Disc (Album)
Discovering a disagreeable personality trait in a customer or employee changes the way that person is perceived from that moment on. Encounters with that person are no longer the same, perhaps not quite as friendly as they used to be, even though at one point this was a well-liked customer, or the favorite employee. Perhaps it is best not to share some information with certain people; just because these people are seen briefly, multiple times in a week, does not necessarily mean total compatibility truly exists.
"A Piss In The Ocean" 2:14
The Ungovernable Force
Heated confrontations happen occasionally in establishments. There are times when a customer will be so rude or disrespectful, that an employee will finally lose his/her cool and mayhem ensues. Or, the employee will say nothing, because policy doesn't allow confrontations, and spend the rest of the day thinking about what they should have said. They will hope to see that same customer outside of work, and continue this battle off the clock.
"Americans Are Cool" 1:50
Something To Prove
Many American companies have ridiculous policies and will defraud their customers; notorious for this is auto repair, home improvement, and banks. When a customer feels they have been cheated, they will get as confrontational as the law permits, and spend a significant portion of the day, week, month, year, life, complaining about this place, and vow to get revenge. Some will fantasize about burning down the office, busting out the windows, or even doing physical harm to the owner and his/her family mafia style.
"Word Up!" 4:19
New York, NY
Too may people try too hard to be cool. Drastic attempts to seem like the most spectacular human being on the planet can have polarizing effects- it becomes obvious that the shtick is unnatural. Every establishment has someone who does this. Salesman are guilty of this most often, particularly when they try to act hip for certain customers; as if they are so impressive that the customer will immediately wish to purchase the product. Customers in establishments that also feature social settings are guilty of this too- usually an attempt to attract other customers or maybe the hair stylist.
116. The Legendary Pink Dots
"Jewel on an Island" 4:33
Island of Jewels
Seeing a customer or employee's exposed private parts provide a lifetime of memories; especially for heterosexual males. Whenever a guy gets a glimpse down a woman's shirt, he will remember that moment for the rest of his life; he will remember that customer/employee the rest of his life. Getting a shot down a customer's shirt is relatively common, and it is best if it is a regular customer. Should a customer see down the shirt of a female employee, one he may have had a previous attraction to anyway, that customer will frequent that establish several times a day with hopes that it will happen again.
"Different Ways" 4:33
Land of the Lost
Portland, OR/Phoenix, AZ
Many men who work with customers show up for work every day with the #1 goal of being able to see the exposed breasts of a beautiful woman. In fact, they would gleefully forfeit their pay for that day if it meant being able to look down their favorite customers' shirt. These men know of all the situations in which this opportunity may present itself; signing credit card slips, dropping something, walk by the right moment where she is seated. Pizza delivery drivers simply hope customers just show up at the door stark naked- it happens frequently, but the results may vary- naked old men seldom provide masturbatory fantasies and a leading cause of erectile dysfunction.
"Sweet Dreams" 4:34
The Edge of the World
When a male employee is able to see nipple down a female customer's shirt, she immediately becomes the subject of masturbatory fantasy. Should this customer return, she is greeted with the most friendly of service, and the employee will do borderline ridiculous tasks to satisfy her- such as carry all of her items to her car in the rain. This woman will more than likely receive a discount and sometimes not even have to pay at all for merchandise- Henry the salesman at a Mercedes dealership went into massive debt because of this.
"The Anal Staircase" 4:01
Male customers/female employees do not share this same luxury. Apparently, seeing a man exposed does not have the same effect as looking down a woman's shirt. To test this theory, I went into an establishment strategically exposing myself, making certain that I did so right in front of the female employees who happened to be glancing my way. I was asked to leave, banned from the property, and the manager said she was calling the police. Maybe I'm ugly, or maybe the Christian Bible Store was not the right place to test this theory.
112. The Scientists
"Atom Bomb Baby" 3:00
People who work at strip clubs have sort of a unique relationship with their customers. It is their job to expose themselves completely, and people will pay them money for that. Some of their customers fall madly in love with them, and will spend every last dime they have on lap dance #24. Finding out a person works in a strip club is, well, that. Having a customer who works in a strip club is, well, the employee will ponder about that. It's a whole different world than, say, working at a cell phone kiosk.
111. Lech Janerka
The best situations arise when an employee can have fun with the customers, and this should be a prerequisite. Some people take dealing with customers way too seriously, as do people who are out shopping, dining, or running errands. The fish market in Seattle has become famous for a source of entertainment and a means of having fun with customers. Let's suppose every establishment viewed customers this way; or if the insurance agency adopted a similar theme as Chuck E. Cheese pizza.
"Little Suzy" 4:58
Many of the people holding a position that deal with certain customers are only there temporarily and preparing themselves to move on to higher paying positions with a different clientele altogether. That is why it is important to be nice to young employees; the girl working the cash register at Walgreen's may turn out to be the woman who performs a major surgery on a family member. This is not the ideal time to have been that customer who the employee vows revenge on someday.
109. The Accüsed
"Show No Mercy" 2:23
The Return of... Martha Splatterhead
Employees that give bad service eventually have to become customers elsewhere. This is especially problematic for those who work in industries notorious for bad service. People who work at banks are prone to get charged $35 fees at Wal Mart if there is any trouble with the transaction. Those who handle luggage for the airport are suspect to have their valuables tossed to the ground and purposely damaged. Should an auto repairman have to visit a female doctor, she will more than likely diagnose him with conditions he does not really have, and overcharge him for medications he did not really need.
108. Cryptic Slaughter
"Black And White" 2:07
Santa Monica, CA
The luggage handlers at the airport give such bad customer service that they should not even be regarded as people. It is as if it is their goal is to purposely damage the customer's valuables. In fact, the entire airport has horrendous service, including the despicable lousy excuses for human beings who act as parking security. These people deserve awful service wherever they shop. At the grocery store, the bagger should intentionally shake up all of the 2 liters before cramming them into a bag on top of the bread, then state the store is not responsible.
Winter, 2009, I had to drive my then-girlfriend Jen to the airport. A snow storm happened, the flight was cancelled...and just getting to the airport is a whole another story (and a long one). But, Jen had one suitcase in which she needed to check in, and asked me if she should take her lap-top on the plane. I told her she should because it might get damaged. Jen insisted it would be ok, and put her laptop in the front pocket of her suitcase. The clerk watched this whole ordeal, and even listened to our conversation; there was nobody else in line either. She watched Jen put her laptop in that front pocket- the back of the suitcase was flat, and obviously the back of the suitcase. Jen handed this seemingly decent woman the suitcase, and she proceeded to pick it up, and purposely slam it face down on the conveyor belt. What a bitch! It was as if she was purposely trying to destroy the laptop, right below the sign that states the airport is not responsible for damaged items. If I'd have known where she was parked, I would have left her a note stating I was not responsible for her busted windshield. Everybody has similar stories to this one.
Lo Spirito Continua
A server or bartender may seem nice, and may even seem like they actually like you. This will change drastically if you as customer stiff on the tip. Customers who do not tip hard working employees are subject to violent encounters and extremely bad service the next time they visit that establishment. It's different if the service is absolutely awful, but if the service is at least adequate, and the customer does not tip, the service will be intentionally awful from that moment on.
106. Noitalinna Huraa!
Maybe the airline industry is still bitter because of Ronald Reagan firing the strikers. Or, maybe they too watched the Seattle fish video and think that throwing luggage is a means of having fun with the customers. Unfortunately, it is not working and people are growing belligerent. Perhaps it is the airline industry who need to adopt the Chuck E. Cheese moniker, and have friendly mascots take the luggage while making balloon animals for the travellers.
"Amor Inimigo" 2:00
Cadê as Armas?
São Paulo, Brazil
What type of a person would go into Chuck E. Cheese and start shit with one of the mascots? Or, who goes into Chuck E. Cheese sloppy drunk and starts telling all of their problems to a Chuck E. Cheese mascot? How many customers go home and fantasize about the Chuck E. Cheese mascot? Perhaps Chuck E. Cheese has always been the answer all along.
104. The Cramps
"How Far Can Too Far Go?" 4:10
A Date With Elvis
New York, NY/Hollywood, CA
There are establishments in which some people are not welcome. Actually, this is pretty much most establishments, but most are not permitted to enforce this policy. But, there are places in which people go in order to get away from people who are not like them. Employees who work at such places are expected to befriend all the customers and not allow "normal" people into the establishment, and definitely not grant them domain. Visitors of an establishment are expected to know their place.
"Legion of Doom" 3:27
New York, NY
There are people who enter a place and expect everything to be altered to there liking; they will request the music be changed or turned down- no matter who else is enjoying it. These people demand the channel of the TV be changed to whatever they wish to watch, even though every other person is interested in the game that is on. Why wouldn't they go to a different place that is featuring all of their requests. You don't go into a movie theatre and expect them to show something else.
102. The Durutti Column
"Royal Infirmary" 4:20
Circuses And Bread
It is always pretty much the same type of customer who requests the music be turned down, or something more "suitable". However, these people know nothing about music. How would they feel if people showed up in their place of employment, dressed in Chuck E. Cheese mascots, demanding she change her contemptible mainstream garbage to something more "suitable" while demanding a discount for their purchases? This has to happen, soon, or we all are going to die.
"Munic / Other" 11:48
Return of a Legend: Munic and Elsewhere
Even the Chuck E. Cheese mascot has personal issues he/she has to deal with, and sometimes finds it difficult to deal with customers constantly treating him/her as if he/she is merely a plaything. The mascot may have been pulled over by the police and harassed on the way to work. How do you feel when this happens to you? Grant the Chuck E. Cheese mascot the right to be human, and to feel more emotions than pure non-stop cheerfulness; or do your part ensure this actual human being is able to sustain a respectable lifestyle. No- Jesus isn't always the answer, for most Chuck E. Cheese mascots are transvestites, and according to your standards, the Lord does not like transvestites.
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