2011/10/19

The Top 100 Songs of 2000

The Best of 2000 + The Year the World Supposedly Ended...Again
Act I: Toaster Dispute
Act II: The Invention of Dehumidifiers & Hemorrhoid Medication
Act III: Vaginal Lube
Act IV: The Final Act in History

Act I: Toaster Dispute


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



100.  Circle
"Andexelt"  6:31
Andexelt
Pori, Finland

The band set up to play the music for the back patio of the restaurant. Normally, the music was one person, an acoustic guitar, singing bad covers of songs that were already bad to begin with. When the song started off with a driving drum beat, the patrons knew this wasn't going to be another evening of Dan doing another rendition of REO Speedwagon hits. This sort of music made people behave strangely, they stopped eating and stared in awe. Shortly after the heavy rhythm guitar riff assaulted their ear drums, Beverly picked up her fish taco and beamed it into the face of the person seated across from her.

99. Primitive Radio Gods
"Fading Out"  3:53
White Hot Peach
Los Angeles, CA

Ten years ago, before I got married, I did not drink, did not smoke, nothing. Now, as soon as I get off work, I immediately have to smoke a bunch of weed because my wife annoys the piss out of me. Getting stoned is the only way I can deal with her constant nagging. Two beers, and three hits, I can't hear a word she says. Thank goodness for that.

98. Death Cab For Cutie
"Company Calls"  3:19
We Have the Facts And We're Voting Yes
Bellingham, WA

My problem is that I have always wanted to be a parakeet. In kindergarten, for show and tell, I stood in front of the class and declared that when I grow up, I am going to be a parakeet. Each night before bed, I prayed to Jesus to transform me into a parakeet. I started eating a diet consisting mainly of bird seed hoping that it would turn me into a parakeet. Nothing worked, so I figured that if I died, I would return as a parakeet. So, I killed myself. And now I'm back! As a God damn mother fucking dog! A German Shepherd at that.

97. Two Lone Swordsmen
"Brootle"  4:36
Tiny Reminders
London, England

Shit! It's Tuesday. My wife is going to expect me to have sex with her tonight. I don't see why I always have to be the one to do it. I wish she would go out and get somebody else to, so I don't have to mess with it. It's bad enough that I have go to this stupid store, stand here in line, and take back this damn toaster. I didn't even want this toaster in the first place. I wish she'd get somebody else to do this too. The thought of her ploys she is going to use tonight to make things seem romantic makes me sick to my stomach.

96. New Wet Kojak
Bad Blood"  2:39
Do Things
Washington, D.C./New York, NY

I get to the front of the line finally, and the lady at the counter asks if if there is anything wrong with the toaster. Fuck! I don't know, my wife just sent me here to return the damn thing. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with it. She claimed she couldn't return it unless it was defective. I replied: "Good, just keep the damn thing then, I never wanted that shitty ass toaster anyway. You can just talk to my wife about it, hopefully it takes long enough that I get out of having to fuck her tonight too." And I walked away... without the toaster.

95. Juno Reactor
"Pistolero"  6:14
Shango
London, England

The bitch at the counter called security on me, and they met me as I was walking out the door. I told them I didn't want the toaster, it was just a toaster, fuck it. These mother fuckers forced me back into the store, escorted me to the desk, where the woman working at the counter insisted that I have to receive a new toaster. I asked about the aforementioned return policy, she claimed it didn't matter. Surrounded by security, I had to sign another receipt, and wait for an associate to go back and retrieve a different toaster. He finally returned, and I had to leave with the new toaster. I was thanked and asked to have a nice day.

94. Eels
"Jeannie's Diary"  3:38
Daisies of the Galaxy
Los Angeles, CA

I spent the day studying the girl who sits in the cubicle next to me. I watched her every move that day, and followed her around. I stayed off in the distance, so she did not pay me any attention, while I followed her around, singing a song. I looked through her desk and analyzed the items she kept in there, and in what order. I looked at all of her reports, and the figures she was computing. I listened in on all of her phone calls. I watched what she ate for lunch, and how long she microwaved it. She took off her shoes for a bit, I snuck over to her desk and sniffed them.

93. King Biscuit Time
"Niggling Descrepancy"  3:47
No Style EP
Edinburgh, Scotland

I arrived home, with the toaster. My neighbor actually stopped me, "whatcha got there?" The son of a bitch took the toaster out of my hand, examining the box, rolling the box around in his hand looking at the picture and reading the description. It's a fucking toaster! "Ah, that's a nice one, a real nice toaster ya got here." Yea, I said, well I got it for you. "For me." Yea. It's a present for being such a nice neighbor. He was overjoyed and darted inside with the cherished gift. A fucking toaster.

92. Alpha
"Eion"  3:49
The Impossible Thrill
Bristol, England

The wife had lit candles to provide romantic qualities, and was wearing some sort of black lingerie that was supposed to be sexy. She would purposely bend down, exposing her breasts that he had seen ten million times already, woke up next to them this morning. Many guys would like to be in this position right now, but not him, he had to do this shit every week for the past 12 years- them titties lost their appeal. She wrapped her leg around his, kissed him, filling the air with romance...the way married couples do. She licked his ear, and whispered in a sexy voice, "did you take back the toaster?"

91. Skull Kontrol
"Long Wave"  2:26
ZZZZZ...
Washington, D.C.

I did return the toaster. And the new one, I gave it to the neighbor. All of the candles went out at once. Her voice was no longer sexy. "What the fuck did you that for!" He fucking took it out my hand, kept going on and on about how nice it was, so I just let him have it. The bitch then re-lit a candle stick and came after me with it, holding the flame up to the sleeve of my shirt, lighting it on fire. She's lucky it didn't burn me, but this shirt is ruined. It cost more than that damn toaster.

90. Amon Tobin
"Four Ton Mantis"  4:46
Supermodified
Rio de Janiero, Brazil/Montreal, QC Canada

The wife darted out of the house, wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie and expensive perfume. She marched over to the neighbor's house, bare ass cheeks flexing with each step on the sidewalk. With her long sexy legs, her freshly manicured bare sexy feet, she kicked down the neighbor's door. They were sitting in the living room, minding their own business- startled when the door crashed down, the wife standing there in skimpy lingerie with one of her titties hanging out. "Where the fuck's my toaster?"

89. SubArachnoid Space
"B"  6:52
These Things Take Time
San Francisco, CA

Several years ago, Dave was an unemployed, uneducated pile of shit. The dumb son of a bitch didn't know a damn thing about anything, and could be seen frolicking around town acting like a complete dumb fucker, annoying the living shit out of everybody, asking a series of ridiculous questions. The stupid cock face did not even know how to order a sandwich at the local cafe. Finally, he took a job off craigslist, at a factory, manufacturing toasters. He had officially become somebody, and had something that defined him.

88. Les Savy Fav
"Rome Written Upside Down"  4:01
Rome EP
Providence, RI/New York, NY

The sorry ass sack of shit would go places, and go on and on for hours talking about toasters. Because he didn't know anything else prior to the job, the toaster factory was his primary source of education. Since most people do not know all of the angles involved with toaster manufacturing, Dave assumed that he was both intelligent and interesting because he knew a shit ton about how toasters are produced. Toasters was all he knew.

87. Sleater-Kinney
"The Ballad of a Ladyman"  3:11
All Hands on the Bad One
Olympia, WA

Dave would hang out at the toaster factory long after his scheduled shift was over; he would even come in on his days off and just linger around off the clock, chatting with his co-workers about toasters and various other happenings at the factory, drama, gossip...Larry in heating elements was not a very good employee and everybody made fun of him, talked about him after work, complained- he was a total piece of shit because he was not a super duper toaster maker. Unlike Dave, who was listed as #8 most important person on Earth.

86. Elliott Smith
"Stupidity Tries"  4:24
Figure 8
Omaha, NE (1969)-Los Angeles, CA (2003)

Larry did not like working at the toaster factory, and making toasters was never his passion. He was desperate for income and obtained the position the same way Dave earned his, off craigslist, in an ad that declared hiring 25 people, start immediately. He did start immediately, and had a decent track record. Well educated, but the office he worked closed down- he was good with numbers and computer savvy. Not good with toasters though. Soon, Larry was fired, and was unable to get another job because he failed as a toaster maker. Larry is now homeless.

85. The Delgados
"Reasons For Silence"  3:28
The Great Eastern
Glasgow, Scotland

The neighbors looked remorseful, so sad- resembling the day their dog Foster died in a tragic skiing accident. Patty tried to hold back the tears as she got up off her couch and into the kitchen to retrieve the toaster. The neighbor explained that the husband had given him the toaster as a gift, it was a kind gesture, and he was pleading that his act of kindness was much more pleasant than her kicking down the door taking it back. Patty stood in the kitchen and cried, rubbing the toaster's side, kissing it goodbye. It had been the nicest thing anyone had ever done for them.

84. Pinetop Seven
"The Palm Acres Parade"  3:56
Bringing Home the Last Great Strike
Chicago, IL

Foster was a chaser, they broke him of chasing cars finally, should've known the miserable prick was going to take off chasing skiers down a mountain. The neighbors couldn't ski worth a shit anyway, they tried it out 21 years ago, had fun, and decided to come back and have another go at it, bringing Foster this time. A skier zipped by, a good skier, unlike these neighbors, and Foster started barking at him, then took off chasing him in the snow down the slope. Foster got going much faster than he was capable, and not being able to stop, started to slide, flipped, tumbled over and over, crashing into a pile of snow, rolling down the slope covered in snow, building up snow into a snowball that became so enormous it crashed into the lobby destroying it. An avalanche followed.

83. Splattercell
"Hedewa"  6:19
Oah
Amityville, NY

Like everybody else in this world, Dave would often have dreams about his work, some of them nightmares. Out in a green grassy field in the middle of nowhere, underneath gray cloudy skies, was an isolated toaster out in the wilderness. It had been pressed down, to make Pop Tarts. But, it did not pop back up. Shit, had Dave forgot to set the timing sensor on one of the 2,419 toasters that came down his line. Flames emerged from the toaster in the wilderness, causing a massive fire. Finally, the toaster popped up, shooting up a gigantic explosion, two burnt pop tarts, and a 50 ton gorilla prepared to destroy the city. The gorilla threw the toaster, miles and miles it flew across the wilderness, shooting flames and destruction along its path- crashing into the window of Melvin, Larry's boss, who was about to discover Dave forgot a sensor. That fucking jackass!

82. Le Shok
"Mind Your Own Business"  1:26
We Are Electrocution
Long Beach, CA

One of Dave's favorite things to do was to go around town to all the stores and see if any of the toasters he made were on display. Once the brand he worked for was located, he would look inside the toaster, check out the little heating element inside, and smile to himself- wow! I did that, and now it is on display for the whole world to see. Dave felt as if he were a celebrity. Sometimes he would show other customers in the store his accomplishment. Upon hearing this, one guy grabbed the toaster, took a shit in it right in the store, then put it back on the shelf, and walked out. Dave just watched, too stunned to say anything.

81. King Black Acid
"School Blood"  5:38
Loves a Love Song
Portland, OR

As with any job, Dave sometimes suffered the sadness and despair that comes with a bad day at work. Somebody, an irate customer, had written a letter to corporate that read: Dear Toaster Company, I bought one of your toasters- its a piece of shit! The foreman read the letter to all the workers, claiming they needed to improve the quality of production, or else this one letter was going to put the company out of business- gave the whole spiel about how one customer tells 100 other potential customers-blah blah blah. Dave could not believe what he was hearing. He went home and sulked, sat in his chair, clinching his fist- drank himself into a stupor. He needed this job.

80. Subzone
"Flood (Get Out)"  5:57
Paranoid Landscape
Northern California

They announced they were going to use different springs other than the ones they had been using- the springs that push down then pop the toast up when ready. The new springs did not fit into the assembly kit as easily as the old springs. Tension began to mount as accusations were being made over who ordered these springs in the first place. Production was slowed and workers were getting into heated arguments. Turned out, somebody had ordered the wrong springs, maybe the wrong ones were accidentally delivered, so they just went with it. Two workers ended up getting into a fist fight, a fit of rage over toaster springs. The entire plant left work angry, gathered in groups taking sides, complaining over who did what. If the mother fucker orders these springs again, I'll shoot the son of bitch- I will, you watch.

79. Doves
"The Cedar Room"  7:39
Lost Souls
Manchester, England

Patty begged the wife to let them keep the toaster. It was such a nice toaster, and a nice gesture that would have made them feel so good inside. The wife still refused and was ordering this stupid cunt, Patty, to give back her fucking toaster. Patty held the toaster in her arms, and claimed that she was not going to give it back to her, it was a gift from the husband and she obviously was just jealous that he didn't get her a toaster. The wife lunged at her, and she dodged the toaster away from her. They argued back and forth over the toaster, as to who it actually belonged to, meanwhile the husband was sitting at home watching basketball.

78. Super Furry Animals
"Nythod Cacwn"  3:47
Mwng
Caerdydd, Wales

The wife chased after Patty, and Patty ran away carrying the toaster. She ran around the coffee table, and the wife chased after her, running in circles around the table calling each other names, shouting various arguments over the toaster. Finally, the wife leaped over the table and tackled Patty, got her down to the ground. Even though she was overpowered, on the floor, with the wife on top of her, Patty would not let go of the toaster. She held the toaster beneath her belly while the wife attempted to force it out of her grip. Patty soon had to huddle down into defensive position because the wife started slapping at the back of her head and in the side of the face. Give me my damn toaster, bitch!

77. Jackie-O Motherfucker
"Your Cells Are in Motion"  9:10
Fig. 5
Portland, OR

Patty's husband ran next door to get the other husband. When he got there, his wife was on top of Patty trying to wrestle the toaster from her grip, hitting her in the face occasionally. The irate husband insisted that Patty should keep the toaster. The wife jumped off of Patty and pursued the husband, who immediately ran from her and another chase pursued around the coffee table. She caught the husband from behind and jerked him down by the back of his shirt. Patty used this as an opportunity to get up and run, but the wife quickly caught her and wrapped her up from behind. In a daring move, right before the wife was able to get a grip on it, Patty tossed the toaster over to the husband. Right away, the wife went after him. Patty and the husband began tossing the toaster back and forth to each other, running around elusively, keep away, involving a toaster, and a wife prepared to kill both of them.

76. Sunn O)))
"Rabbit's Revenge"  14:01
ØØ Void
Seattle, WA

Smoke rose from the vents, the whole living started to cloud up as the vent from the register opened. Up rose Dave, in his arms, another brand new toaster. He smiled, calmed the group down. Dave informed the group they had made an excellent decision going with this toaster, and demonstrated how every single mechanism in the toaster worked. With sheer excitement, pointed out the coil part that gets hot, and declared "I am the one who put that there." Dave insisted that Patty be able to keep that toaster, it was a nice gift. Then, he presented the wife with a gift of his own, a toaster, the last one ever made with the old spring. He looked at the husband, frowned, "and you, heard you didn't even want the toaster," Dave shook his head in disgust, "get a fucking life!"



NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX SONGS OF 2000:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1




Top Image by: The People's Cube
Bottom image by: dreamstime

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