Part 1: The Original Plan A
Part 2: The Re-evaluation
Part 3: Laundry Chute
Part 4: Desperate Measures
Part 5: Plan DD- Because Plans A-Z, AA-CC All Failed
Part 6: Plan DD- The Ultimate Miracle
Section III: Laundry Chute
Press play on the image below to hear this set of songs in the exact order.
100. Noah and the Whale
"The First Days of Spring" 6:39
The First Days of Spring
As I stated previously, during periods of unemployment, people find it necessary to inform you of every single place that is hiring, not considering all of the aspects involved with a company’s hiring process these days. One company displayed on a sign: Now Hiring: Dog Groomer. I don’t know shit about dog grooming, and personally, doing this would suck. Furthermore, knowing what potential employers think of Gas Station Attendant, Dog Groomer would definitely be categorized under that one chance to fuck up your life. I saw the sign, everybody has—it’s been there for years. However, my girlfriend keeps insisting that I apply. She does not drive, I have never had a dog nor any desire to; she loves dogs—I have a car and I constantly have to drive her around, especially since I am unemployed. She had to be somewhere soon, a hair appointment. On the way, we passed the dog grooming place again. “I really think you should apply to for that dog grooming position.” I slammed on my brakes and whipped into the parking lot. She had said this for the last time, and now her ass was going to be late for her hair appointment. Plan H: Dog Groomer.
99. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
New York, NY
I was not dressed for a job interview or even to submit an application, but I went in anyway. Once inside, I could barely keep a straight face and was horribly out of place. There was a female dog groomer, this was her passion. She spoke to the dog while combed its hair, a black lab. No way in hell I could ever groom a dog the way she did. The other dog groomer was some guy I recognized from the unemployment office. The dog he was grooming was fucked up, and the lady who owned the dog was yelling at him the whole time. After I finished filling out my application, the female dog groomer interviewed me on the spot. She spoke to me the same way she spoke to the dogs—when I went back to her office, she told me to “sit.” I guessed if I really wanted the job, I would have to “beg”. This woman asked what I considered challenging questions.
“What do you know about dogs?”
“I know that they bark. And, they like a good grooming.”
“Did you do much dog grooming at the Gas Station?”
“I did do a lot of dog grooming at the Gas Station. In fact, there were days when that’s all I would do, groom dogs, 12 hours a day.”
She explained to me all of the details about dog grooming and flea dipping. She presented me with flash cards with various dog breeds on them, asking me to name them. I simply asked her if I could do mailing labels instead. She said she’d call me in a week.
“How did it go?” My girlfriend asked.
“She said she’d call me in a week.”
Enthusiastically, she responded, “see, I told you that would be a good job.”
98. Micachu & The Shapes
As I sat in the waiting room during her hair appointment, I compared and contrasted the differences between dog groomer and girlfriend groomer, deciphering which one would be more annoying. To satisfy any notion she may be contemplating, I went ahead and applied to be a hair stylist too. Sure enough, she brought up the Gas Station. I told her I had given homeless people makeovers. The hair stylist and my girlfriend took turns making fun of me. That’s when I decided that if I am going to apply for positions I am not experienced, and then I might as well apply for some better positions. While they were making fun of me, insinuating what people would look like after I fucked up their heads, I perused the job section of the newspaper on the table. And that’s when I had the revelation. Plan I: Brain Surgeon.
97. Hidden Cameras
"Silence Can Be A Headline" 5:18
Mississauga, ON, Canada
There is an entirely different criterion for applying to be a brain surgeon, as opposed to applying for a dishwasher position. The procedure is far from ordinary, but I decided I was going to set the world on fire, and approach it the same way I would any other position. I entered the hospital, asked for an application, in which they declared I needed a resume. I was prepared, I had one. There are those people who enter an establishment and ask to talk to someone right away, I did just that. The chief of surgery came down, reviewed my application, and needless to say, he was not impressed.
"Gypsy Hand" 4:19
Songs of Shame
I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Arts, and apparently that is not good enough to obtain a Brain Surgeon position. This fruitcake mentioned the Gas Station; I replied that many of the customers obviously needed some sort of brain surgery, some even need lobotomies, and that this was my calling. He asked if I had any relatives at the facility, and I told him Aunt Gertrude had a neurological disorder. Then, I was allowed to do the talking. I spoke of my great work ethic, my willingness to learn new skills, and how quickly I mastered even the most challenging of skills. I vowed that I would be the best brain surgeon in the city in about month after merely having a 30 minute orientation period, and shadowing another surgeon for the first day—like a waitress. He told me to go apply to be a waitress instead, and heard some other place was hiring a dog groomer. Some other guy from the unemployment office was in the surgical room. They had drilled a hole in his head, some sort of experiment, he was being $40. He was one of the guys who was annoying the shit out of me.
95. Stardeath And White Dwarfs
"The Birth" 4:16
Every product I looked at, all I could think about were all of the jobs involved with the creation of the product. There would have to be anything from the manufacture of the product itself, the manufacture of the ingredients, purchasing the ingredients, the label, the packaging, and the distribution, all the way up to selling this shit. Somebody inspects these products. Somebody inspects where this shit is sold. With every product I would examine, I began to do some of my own soul searching attempting to decide which of these was best suited for me. Somewhere, out there, these jobs had to be available.
"The Machine Will Tell Us So" 5:46
You Can Have What You Want
San Francisco, CA
Plan J: Learn the art of expiration date stamping. This is a practical trade that seems to be utilized by the most organizations. One who has vital experience in expiration date stamping can pretty much pick his/her place of employment and choose his/her salary. The demand for expiration date stamping has to be extremely high, and there absolutely had to be positions available. After extensive research, I was displeased to find many of these stamps were being done by the usage of a machine—one I had no experience operating. However, I at least had stamped some expiration dates on a few muffins here and there at the Gas Station. I submitted numerous applications to every organization I could think of that utilized expiration date stamping, with my most elegant resumes going to the dairy industries.
93. Mount Eerie
"Stone’s Ode" 5:27
I did not receive one single phone call. In return, I did receive one e-mail asking about my availability. But, later that day, I read on the internet that their expiration date machine had malfunctioned and numerous consumers had died from drinking spoiled milk and eating cottage cheese. They were facing a 453 trillion dollar lawsuit, both the corporations and the crew responsible for expiration date stamping. After careful consideration, I thought that maybe the 453 trillion dollar lawsuit might almost be as bad as dealing with homeless people. Due to the lawsuit, many of the places who may had needed a good hard working expiration date stamper were shut down due to investigation. Furthermore, it made the hiring guidelines significantly more strict when dealing with experienced expiration date stampers; a minimum of 14-20 years previous experience was now required. The guys responsible for the machine malfunction were belittled in the press and eventually committed suicide.
92. Zola Jesus
"The Way" 3:41
Phoenix, AZ/Los Angeles, CA
That still did not prevent me from fulfilling my ambitions. What goes good with milk? Cereal! That’s when I developed Plan K: Cereal Box Designer. While studying a box of King Vitamin, I noticed all of the essential aspects for designing a box. Cereal boxes come in a universal design- all of them, except for that cheap ass bagged shit that nobody ever buys. There is a front cover featuring the logo, some mascot, and a bowl with the aforementioned cereal. One side of every box has the nutritional values, and yet another good skill to learn. The other side usually has some sort of various recipes, creative shit you can do with the cereal, and some of them even have jokes or the answers to the riddles. The back of the box is nothing but pure enjoyment—games, mazes, riddles, jokes, and all sorts of fun and excitement to pass the time while enjoying the world’s finest quality gourmet food—cereal!
91. Modest Mouse
"Guilty Cocker Spaniels" 4:02
No One's First, And You're Next
Plan K required a portfolio, which obviously was not going to include anything from the Gas Station. I decided to design my very own cereal box: Frosted Jesus Hal- O’s. The cover of the box featured none other than the messiah himself eating a bowl of cereal. Not much one can do with the nutritional values, but I did make certain everything was extremely healthy, and assured customers that eating Frosted Jesus Hal-O’s will lead to eternal life in the kingdom of heaven; and you’d have to eat 43,278 bowls of Total to ever achieve that sort of bliss. The other side of the box had various Bible passages that could be applied to cereal. And the back: it featured all sorts of religious themed games. Such as a maze, with little Timmy in the center, and it encouraged consumers to help Jesus through the maze and into little Timmy’s heart. I included some jokes:
How was Jesus able to easily carry the cross up Mt. Zion? He had a healthy Frosted Jesus Halo-O’s breakfast.
Why do all the boxes of Frosted Jesus Halo-O’s feature a $1 off coupon? Because Jesus would turn over the tables at the supermarket.
Who are the 3 people who love Frosted Jesus Hal-O’s the most? The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
And who are the 3 people who love Cheerio’s the most? Satan, Pontius Pilate, and Judas.
"Wilco (The Song)" 3:00
Wilco (The Album)
Unfortunately, Plan K failed. And, I have no reason why. My friends found the box entertaining, clever, and extremely artistic. But, apparently, none of the major cereal organizations were hiring. One had even gone out of business. Cereal sales were down. Plus, the major cereal brands were content simply being futile, unimaginative, and basic; they were happy with the exact same logos they had been employing for years. Like with my Plan A position, I had to wait for somebody to die. I guessed it would be Cap’n Crunch first—old ass mother fucker! King Vitamin didn’t look too good these days either. Unfortunately, I did not have enough change left in my room to hire an assassin to finally take out Toucan Sam. That sorry sack of shit! I stopped eating cereal as a means of protest, and turned my creativity to a new project.
"If It Is Growing" 2:44
Under general circumstances, it is extremely embarrassing to run into an old friend at a store while being unemployed. It’s the same routine, hi, how have you been, just work…where do work? An answer of “nowhere” is #1 sign of being a loser. Things were different these days. It was growing increasingly common to see reunions of friends at the grocery store discussing how they are all unemployed. Many have discussed places they could be working, places they’ve already applied, and many had left town seeking employment, and many were having relationship issues due to unemployment. Also, it wasn’t like the old days where having a loserfied dead end job meant you were a bum, that was those days, this is these days, and these days, mother fuckers are just happy to have a job anywhere. Commonly heard: (with a shrug) “hey, at least it’s a job.”
88. Throw Me the Statue
"Dizzy From The Fall" 3:25
I was at the grocery store by myself, having to shop extensively for the ideal dinner in which I could only spend $1.36 worth of change (thank goodness for the U-Scan aisles for that!). Two people I did not know bumped into each other in the baking goods aisle, where I had no intentions on purchasing anything. It was the same routine, hey, what’s up, what are you doing these days? The guy told the couple he was speaking to: “I’m a minister at a local church.” His friend looked at him and shrugged, “hey, at least it’s a job, shit mother fucker, these days you should be happy to even have a job.” I realized I wasn’t going to be purchasing any chocolate chips, vegetable oil, or cake mix. And, I wondered what in the hell I was doing in this aisle in the first place. Then, I thought it had to be fate; that, I was supposed to hear that conversation. I walked around the grocery store devising Plan L: Become a Minister.
87. Foreign Born
"Can't Keep Time" 3:48
Person To Person
San Francisco, CA/Los Angeles, CA
My experience as a Minister is zero. Furthermore, I had not ever been a member of any church, and was not positive whether or not I even believed in any of that. I would not call myself an Atheist, slightly more than Agnostic, but I definitely had some issues with organized religion. But at the same time, I do not support the oil industry or the methods employed by oil tycoons to obtain billions of dollars, yet I worked at a Gas Station. The fact of the matter is: lots of people hold positions in which they do not necessarily support the means in which they earn their paycheck. It’s not as if Gas Stationing was ever my passion. I would say things that I did not really mean sincerely to the customers just to be nice; and there were times when I refrained from saying harsh comments simply because that is what customer service entails. When working with customers, most people become something else other than their true natural selves—just for work. I figured I could do the same, but just as a Minister. It would be better than dealing with some of the dumbasses who frequented the Gas Station.
86. The Love Language
Raleigh, NC/Wilmington, NC
As I soon found out, the position of Church Minister also requires a great deal of experience. I rode around to several churches attempting to fill out applications; I had with me a nice resume and the box of Frosted Jesus Hal-O’s from my Cereal Box Artist Portfolio. Sure enough, they mentioned the Gas Station, deeming that did not constitute as valid experience even though there had been discussions of religion with the customers. But, I countered stating that I had a degree in Arts. The man conducting the interview discussed Biblical passages and what was considered essential to being a qualified Minister. To this, I went back to my degree; “well, The Bible is a book isn’t it? In college I was required to offer vast interpretations of numerous books and other forms of literature, I think I can handle talking about just one.”
85. Harlem Shakes
"Unhurried Hearts (Passaic Pastoral)" 3:36
New York, NY
Needless to say, I was not awarded a Minister position, and left the church unemployed. However, the current Minister did offer me some kind words of encouragement, and advice to lead a better life. The Minister was a good man, and I questioned whether or not I actually did have the ability to give the advice he gave me. Then, I wondered how he would have dealt with the homeless people selling crack in front of the Gas Station. I pondered how this man would have conducted himself in lots of situations. Although I was in no way about to join the church, for this was not something in my repertoire, I do have to acknowledge the Minister was a good man, and perhaps his words did resonate something. But for now, I am still a loser, a sinner, and possess a mind full of borderline diabolical thought processes.
84. Julian Casablancas
"Ludlow St." 5:45
Phrazes For The Young
New York, NY
I’ve never been one to knock another person for what they believe in on a spiritual level. The debate of religion is one that has been constant ever since its incarnation. There are people who believe everything in the religious doctrines, and there are those who believe it is entirely a crock of shit; I have no right to say either way. But, I will have to admit that a strong argument had to have been made in order to persuade all of these people to believe in such faith, even though so many others claim to have sufficient evidence that it is but a fluke. Religion is not the only aspect of society that prospers from people believing in the teachings, but the most accepted. Another facet in which people turn to for spiritual guidance is Tarot Card Readings. Less people have studied all the meanings of Tarot Cards than those who have studied The Bible. Tarot Card Reading offers little in terms of proof. You can’t help but wonder how this became so popular, and few actually believe its validity.
83. Neon Indian
"Deadbeat Summer" 4:03
Plan M: Become a Tarot Card Reader. Once I committed myself to becoming a Tarot Card Reader, people asked if I knew how to do it? And I replied, “Does it really matter? Do you think the experienced Tarot Card Reader sincerely knows for sure what he/she is doing and is going to give a 100% accurate prediction for the future?” So, I set up a stand, and established the fact that I was in business for myself. For the most part, people simply walked by and made fun of me. Finally, for a joke, some drunk guy gave me $5 to do a Tarot Card Reading on him. This was most fortunate for me because he was so drunk that he did not pay a single bit of attention to what I was telling him; insisted on talking about other things. Once I realized he was this intoxicated, and not paying any attention, I just made up nonsensical meanderings until he left. This $5 was nice! However, I did not get one single other customer. Most other people insisted that the economy was so bad, that they no longer could afford the luxuries they used to indulge upon, such as weekly Tarot Card Readings. By the end of the night, I was once again bombarded by homeless people trying to get that $5 out of me, and I simply had a going out of business sale…free Tarot Card Readings for the homeless. I stacked the deck, flipped over the card Death, and announced: “All you mother fuckers are going to die…soon.” They froze; I walked away calmly, smiling, $5 richer.
82. Bear In Heaven
"Dust Cloud" 5:58
Beast Rest Forth Mouth
New York, NY
What am I good at? Not much of anything, really. What do I enjoy? What are my hobbies? Somewhere along these lines, there has to be a way for me to earn a living by doing what I am naturally good at, what I enjoy. While analyzing how I spend my time, and deciphering whether or not this would be something suitable to earn an income, it occurred to me that I spend a lot of time viewing pornography on the internet. Like every person, there are particular sites that I prefer over others. But, in my current state of being unemployed, I had no choice but to view pornography a bit differently this time around. There are some sites dedicated to just one person, people such as Hanna’s Honeypot. Hanna, assuming that is her real name, does a series of erotic photo shoots, uploads those pictures on to the internet, and simply collects money from people who wish to become a member and pay good money to see these photos. This is easy work, I thought, anybody could do this. And thus came Plan N, open my very own porn site.
81. Smith Westerns
"Girl in Love" 3:01
Unfortunately, I am not very attractive. In fact, I am quite ugly. Also, I have a small penis. But, there are men out there who prefer women with smaller breasts, or fat chicks, and some even are dedicated to women with hairy armpits. I figured somewhere, out there, there had to be a niche waiting just for me; and I had to figure out how to cater to that audience. Most of the women I attract are either drug addicts, grotesquely obese, or genuinely neurotic. So that’s I went with, erotic nude photos of myself that would be psychedelic, feature some sort of food, and end with me being murdered on the bed. My roommate, a heterosexual male, was beyond a little disturbed to have to take these photographs, but he did it anyway. The first picture, I was completely clothed. The 2nd photo showed me smoking a bowl, with my shirt slightly unbuttoned. By the 10th photo, I was completely stoned, underneath a glowing green light, with a strawberry up my ass. Photo 14, I was totally nude, lying spread on the bed, next to a bloody axe.
80. Pearl Harbor
Something About the Chaparrals
Los Angeles, CA
Unfortunately Part 2: I only earned a lousy $5 as a Tarot Card Reader. In order to upload these photos, one has to purchase a domain from domain people; internet sites have become like real estate, and hold certain value. This was not nearly as easy I had thought. Due to lack of cash to invest in my business, I had to disband Plan N, albeit temporary because I still had the photos. The other problem, my roommate is also my best friend, and does the type of shit best friends do to one another. Like every good friend would do, he sent the photo depicting me with a strawberry up my ass via text message to every single person he knew, and before too long, my reputation was worse than it already was. From working at the Gas Station, I already knew too many people in town, but now, I was more known for the strawberry photo than the Gas Station. However, people were not surprised by the photos, and some insisted that I would fuck anything that moves. That is not true. But, I do have one blemish on my record, maybe two, or three, several actually, about 20-30 or so. Like I said, I attract obese women, neurotic serial killers, and crack heads. Every now and then, they come a bit too strong and it takes me a little time to get rid of them—just by the time I do, we had already had sex, and in a couple occasions, she had moved into my home. I figured I could use this to my advantage, and saw yet another opportunity to get my monkey ass a job.
"They Will Appear" 6:28
Set 'Em Wild Set 'Em Free
New York, NY
Plan O: Laundry Chute. Yes, for Plan O, I was going to make a porno movie featuring myself, and a bunch of creepy ass women. For this, I did have experience. And, I was good at too, because most of these women I did not really want to have sex with; and some of them were downright disturbing. Once I found myself in these particular situations, normally after being shoved down onto a bed and pounced on, I would just pretend nothing was happening and go to my happy place. All the while it would be going on, I would be too entrenched into being in my happy place, or thinking of an escape route, an excuse for having to leave when she was done, or other excuses should anybody ever find out about it. Next thing I know, we had been doing it for over an hour, I haven’t paid one bit of attention, and the fat neurotic psychopath has fallen in love with me. I had been trying to practice the art of premature ejaculation, but now, I decided it was a blessing.
78. A Sunny Day In Glasgow
"Close Chorus" 6:24
The synopsis for Laundry Chute was going to feature about 8-10 scenes involving me, and some nasty bitch from downtown—I had a few lined up. These were going to be chicks nobody else would fuck unless they were suffering from alcohol poisoning. It would begin with me courting a woman with the worst cheesiest lines possible; her falling for them; then us going back to my place. During the sex scene, there was going to be live music—a lot of my friends played in bands and were eager to get some notoriety (and they were friends, meaning, they would be entertained watching me fuck Trudy). But you see, I had ulterior motives…in the film, the moment she had an orgasm, I was going to stuff whatever lover I was doing into a laundry chute where she would slide down to the bottom. At the bottom of the laundry chute was a mean little troll who would drag her into a dungeon and you hear are screams with blood splattering. What’s sad, I thought of this hoping it would really happen the time I really did fuck Trudy off camera.
77. Sunset Rubdown
"Silver Moons" 4:45
Montreal, QC Canada
My friends had ulterior motives too, this was entertainment for them, and it became more of a dare than anything. Due to the dare, there was no way I was able to back out of it. Within hours of the incarnation, filming was scheduled for that night because people had called people, and soon it became well known. Luckily, I did not have to have an orgasm, and that night, I fucked nine women. Generally, this would be something to brag about, but, not a single one of the nine was a woman you want anybody knowing about. In fact, by the end of the night, I felt so gross, used, abused, and downright nasty. I took a 42 minute shower, and soaked myself in Hydrogen Peroxide. It was a rough night sleeping too; I had nightmares all night and often woke up terrified. You do not even want to know what my sheets smelled like.
"The Ephemeral Bluebell" 5:46
Vignetting The Compost
Immediately, this was the worst thing I had ever done, but fuck it, I needed the money. Veronica was calling me the entire next day insisting we were in a relationship now; and apparently, I was in a relationship with Agatha too. Sonya kept calling declaring that I owe her money. Mandi showed up at the house again. Pauline was trying to say she was pregnant—her ass ain't pregnant—and that was all I fucked…her ass. Susie and Sherry got into a huge fight over the ordeal where one was threatening to kill the other. Wanda was wanting to re-do her scene claiming that the camera made her ass look fat. Sandi wanted to meet with her agent, but guess what, that crack head doesn’t have an agent. Despite the fact there was a series of intense drama that followed, no biggie, I had been avoiding them for months anyway—I was used to it, but, the film was complete. I had the movie, and Laundry Chute was burned to DVD.
Top Image by: Healthy Paws
Bottom Image by: SilverMilfs