2011/10/19

The Top 100 Songs of 1993

The Best of 1993 + Perfect Attendance at the High School Reunion

Chapter 1: The Invitation; BBW Lust; 4284 Milaine Drive
Chapter 2: Rock Bottom; BBW Lust 2; The Escape from 4284 Milaine Drive
Chapter 3: Ladies and Gentlemen... Mrs. Connie Hatcher
Chapter 4: The Reunion

Chapter I: The Invitation; BBW Lust; 4284 Milaine Drive


Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.



100. Blur
"Turn it Up"  3:22
Modern Life is Rubbish
Colchester, England

"I was a completely different loser altogether back then. Last time I saw any of those people, shit, I wouldn't even recognize myself." That exact statement was uttered simultaneously by all 20 people who received the invitation. It had been several years since the entire group had been together. There was no set date for the anniversary, not like 5-10-15-20 years, the time that elapsed was not important. It was a high school reunion of sorts, except the entire high school was not invited, simply a reunion of lab class—in the vocational section of the school. 20 students were in this class, and back in high school, this group, all guys, spent 5-7 hours a day with each just in school alone, even more time spent socializing and parties after school. And, an invite was sent out for everybody to meet at a peculiar location- the middle of The Middle. Who sent the invitations: unknown.

99. The Auteurs
"How Could I Be Wrong"  3:53
New Wave
London, England

But, all 20 students received the invite, and all 20 declared they were coming. Strangely, nobody questioned where the invitation came from, and within 24 hours, the mysterious unknown received the memo that all 20 of them had RSVP'd with a definite yes they would be there, as well as 3 teachers. The location was a bit peculiar too, for, not a single person of the 20 had ever been to this place. However, all of them assumed that everybody else knew of this spot, and it was maybe only he, one particular individual, who did not know of the spot. Nor did it matter where the location was, or who sent it...they had all been friends at one time, and it would be nice to get together again.

98. Brainiac
"Smack Bunny Baby"  2:06
Smack Bunny Baby
Dayton, OH

Prior to the invite, not a single one of them had physically seen another in years (the closest was a brief encounter at a store 2.7 years ago). Nobody knows how they all lost contact with one another, just that thing called life. The pursuit of money often detaches friendships for aspects more important...debts, work, relocating to a different state… in some cases, prison, exile, insanity, and death. All of these things happen after high school. Yet people hate being a teenager, and then they hate being old, then like being old, then liked being a teenager. It's a complicated cycle.

97. Element of Crime
"Weißes Papier"  3:25
Weißes Papier
Berlin, Germany

Word had it Haggerty died about 5 years ago, something about an overdose on Christmas day. Most had stayed in touch with Haggerty for a few years after graduation, before he too gradually disappeared into obscurity. Haggerty was one of the many class clowns in this particular lab, and it happened to be full of them—perhaps why they enjoyed each other's company. However, he was not considered that incredibly huge of a "hell raiser" in school and was not one of the stoner kids. People heard Haggerty died, although for most, it was never officially confirmed- most just assumed it was true. He received an invite, and agreed to show.

96. The Cranberries
"Dreams"  4:23
Everybody Else is Doing It, So Why Can't We
Limerick, Ireland

Being lusted over by complete strangers alters the way a person can conduct his/her business. Women periodically experience being the subject of sexual lust in public places. Most men claim to experience this deep human emotion, but by definition, it happens less frequently with men. However, being a male, and being lusted over by a strange woman in public can be equally demanding, because it is expected that men are supposed to react a certain way in these situations; some are able to handle it well, some not as good. Some men think they are being lusted over, and will act is if this is sincerely happening, when in actuality, it is not. These men are referred to as "creeps." If a lusted over male does not respond a certain way, the lusting female may think he is a homosexual or become psychotic.

95. The Fall
"It's a Curse"  5:21
The Infotainment Scan
Manchester, England

Somewhere in society, it has become essential that is should be the male who is the aggressor and make the first advance on the females. However, results indicate that women who aggressively pursue the males they desire are involved in happier, more substantial relationships than those women who simply fell for whatever guy happened to court her with silly lines and free drinks. Women experience numerous advantages when they become the ones who make the first move, with a key feature being creepy guys who normally would irritate the living shit out them are no longer as bothersome. Furthermore, since many men rarely refuse, the risk of rejection drops significantly, and the woman gets exactly what she wants.

94. Cranes
"Cloudless"  5:33
Forever
Portsmouth, England

Unfortunately for the sake of humankind, factor #53 as to what shall deem the human race as a failure, is this notion of "when a woman says this... she really means..." The end result: men simply guess that they know what a woman really means, what a woman really wants, and thinks he has all the answers. Meanwhile, other men no longer shed any concern, and due to lack of clear direction, are no longer interested in what a woman actually means when she says something else entirely. They write these women off as inessential due to their lack of sheer honesty. There are numerous reasons why a woman cannot say directly what she really means, and much of this is due to a history of oppression, coupled with being constantly pursued by the dominant male. But, women who take initiative to become the aggressors and pursue the relationships they actually desire, are less prone to say ambiguous phrases that could mean something else altogether. There is less confusion, and the result is a cliché free lifestyle.

93. 3Ds
"Cash None"  3:06
The Venus Trail
Dunedin, New Zealand

One of the members of the class ended up homeless. He has been homeless for several years, and spends his days drunk, walking the streets bumming change, and drinking 40's out of a brown paper bag. Popeye has no clue how long he has even been in this condition. After graduation, he was married for 23 days. Even after the divorce was finalized, there was still some lingering drama over the 23 days of marriage. He retreated to get away from it all, and never came back. He did return, physically, but that was the extent of it. Society was soon greeted with animosity, and Popeye no longer wished to be a part of it, although he would have appreciated some assistance with matter. The rest of the world felt believed nobody owed him anything, and eventually found his behavior intolerable. First there was grudge against the rest of society- a society he no longer wished to be a part of...then the grudge was bestowed upon himself- for all the bad decisions he made.

92. Black Moon
"Who Got Da Props"  4:30
Enta Da Stage
New York, NY

Eventually, Popeye lost touch with society. There were multiple aspects involved, but Popeye withdrew completely. However, he was not the only person in class to lose touch with reality. Another was growing more reserved with each passing year, while his insanity was dipping to a drastic level. Although he was not homeless, not in prison, not dead, he withdrew himself from the world. He had a job, but he despised it, and no longer cared about his production. He had a wife: meaning had, in the past now. He had friends; a long time ago. It seemed he used to like people, back in the day, he was an enjoyable companionship. These days, he does not mingle with anybody, rarely leaves his home; sulks at home, despises his world.

91. Coverdale/Page
"Over Now"  5:24
S/T
London, England

There is not one single aspect in his past that has any appeal to him now. In fact, he does not dwell in his past, rarely even thinks about it. These days, he has changed, and barely a figment of what he once was, back in those days. However, he did receive the invite. He did agree to go to this location, even though it is a major inconvenience, and there is no genuine interest. Something just told him to go, without control; he checked "yes"... he will be attending. The location, he had never even heard of it, had to look it up on MapQuest. It was going to be a far drive. For this person, mess #286, after #285 he had vowed to change.


Prelude to #90

Ralph was a diehard Judas Priest fan. All he ever listened to was Judas Priest- 24 hours a day. His girlfriend, Deborah, was sick of hearing Judas Priest. On the middle of a long drive, Ralph decided it was time to check out Rob Halford's side project- Fight. In the car with Deborah, Ralph was enjoying the CD. Deborah, on the other hand, was not.

"I'm so sick of listening to Judas Priest."

"It's not Judas Priest," Ralph retorted, "it's Fight."

"Well, it sounds like fucking Judas Priest!"

Deborah ejected the Fight CD and flung it out the window...in the middle of nowhere.

The residents of 4284 Milaine Drive, this country road out in the middle of nowhere, stumbled upon a CD that a traveler had tossed out the window. Fight. They had never heard of Fight. They had never heard of Judas Priest. They had never heard anything. But, one trip into town, the purchase of something called a CD player, a random CD found on the street, the dysfunctional backwoods country family discovered rock and roll!

Fight became known as the only rock and roll band ever- it was all they knew. The Fight CD, was simply referred to as "the CD", it was the only music in the house. And- it was an obsession. There were 9 people living in this house, near a town that boasted a population of 53, and in this household- Fight Fucking Rulez!!!

It was a long drive to the reunion, and it was unknown who sent the invitations or who picked this location. Helton had drive hours out of his usual route, and got lost on some country road- Milaine Drive. Unfortunately, his car broke down. There were no other cars around, no shops, and his phone did not have any reception. He walked, and after several miles, finally reached 4284 Milaine Drive. Helton walked up to the house to see if they could be any assistance.

The family was actually delighted to see Helton- he looked much different than the rest of these hillbillies. Grandma claimed he looked like a member of Fight.

"You listen to Fight?" asked Uncle Harold.

He shrugged, "no, I guess not."

"What the fuck is wrong with you boy?" exclaimed Peanut Claiborne from the next. "Man, Fight invented rock and roll."

Everybody looked at Helton strangely.

Harold stared him in the eye..."its rock and roll, pussy!"

"Yo," said Grandpa, "play this nigger some Fight."


90. Fight
"Contortion"  4:35
War of Words
Phoenix, AZ (And supposedly, Rob Halford lives in Phoenix now)

The intro of the song is slow and creepy. "Just wait," ordered Peanut Claiborne, "this shit gets intense." Grandma intervened, "I like this part." Helton just sat in the chair, the whole family gathered around him. After 51 seconds, when the guitars kick in, the family started acting strangely. "Do your thing Harold," as Harold air guitared and thrashed around the room. Peanut Claiborne stood on the coffee table and pretended as if he were singing, with the rest of the family shouting out the background vocals. Soon, a mosh pit erupted around the coffee table, with grandma leaping off the sofa and into the rest of the family. They carried her around the room, and tossed over the counter crashing her onto the kitchen floor- while Harold air guitared the solo. By the end, Peanut was singing right in Helton's face, with the stretch out..."all I see is Reeeddddddddd" being the finale in which Peanut accidentally spit in his face.

89. Primus
"My Name is Mud"  4:47
Pork Soda
El Sobrante, CA

Vastine was sentenced to 3 years for aggravated burglary. The man had some obvious mental issues, but was hardly a bad person. He was married, and in the divorce settlement, his ex-wife milked him for everything he was worth, including his prize possession- a 1947 antique blender that his grandmother left him. Not like he had any sort of antique blender fixation, rarely used it, the antique happened to be an inheritance from his grandmother who helped raise him. One night, Vastine put on the ski mask, and broke into his ex-wife's house to retrieve the antique blender. She happened to come home during the ordeal, frightened to see a man in a ski mask in her home, she shot at him, and kept shooting, until one of the bullets ricocheted off the lamp and hit her in the leg. She claimed it was his fault, and he did not have the book smarts to redeem himself. However, he received an invitation, and was mysteriously released from prison.

88. Cypress Hill
"Insane in the Brain"  3:29
Black Sunday
South Gate, CA

During the time of high school, two best friends were major stoners, and showed up for school stoned every single day. In fact, the two of them were responsible for getting every single member of the class stoned at one point during school. As years passed, the two friends grew apart from one another. One of them remains a major pothead, bounces from job to job still, divorced, hardcore alcoholic. The other, shortly after graduation, gave up this lifestyle, although there seemed to always remain some attachment to it. It had been years since the two potheads last seen each other- one was looking forward to it, one wasn't.

87. Unrest
"Soon It Is Going To Rain"  7:11
Perfect Teeth
Arlington, VA

Martino approached the event with sadness. He did not have very many friends in high school. However, he considered the classmates from lab class his closest acquaintances, somewhat his only friends. Outside of class, he did not associate with anybody. And after graduation, he lost contact with all of the classmates, and spent several years not associating with anybody. He did not even associate with the cashier at the grocery store. They asked how he was doing, he wouldn't answer. Did not even offer a response to the paper or plastic interrogation- they simply put his shit in plastic because it was easier. Martino always thought of those guys, and how he used to talk. One day, he started talking again. Now, he won't shut the fuck up; now he wants to go to the event and talk to people. And talk he will. In his car, there isn't even anybody in there—yet this mother fucker still is talking. To who? To whom! That's a knock knock joke he just told himself.

86. Built to Spill
"Three Years Ago Today"  3:56
Ultimate Alternative Wavers
Boise, ID

Clements got thrown in the joint three years ago himself. He actually committed a series of horrible crimes, and even plead guilty to these on his own terms, his first time in court; he felt he just wanted to get it over with- did not wish to have a long drawn out court case, or a jury, or even a lawyer. So, he was sentenced 276 years—an affidavit was signed for him to have to stay there the entire duration of the sentence even if he died in the middle of it. Because he did not wish to go back to court ever again, he did not even file an appeal. His crimes made headline news, but his trial lasted but 8 minutes, three days after he was arrested. The day Vastine was released for the event, they went ahead and released Clements too- told him to ride with Vastine. Hell, he was doing 276 years, they were sure they'd find him by the time his sentence was up. Clements wasn't even invited to the event. Vastine didn't know why he was even there, and ditched him at a gas station. When Clements went into the bathroom, Vastine rushed back to the car, and bailed as fast he could.

85. Superchunk
"Mower"  3:45
On the Mouth
Chapel Hill, NC

Upon leaving the bathroom, Clements was summoned over by the store's clerk and given a specific set of directions, the coordinates of a map, a car jack, and a tire iron. The journey wasn't intended to last very long, although there were a few twists and curves- along with a stop at a nearby tree to obtain another mysterious clue. Clements looked down at the map, looked over, and there was Vastine- 12 paces to the left, with a flat tire. Upon seeing this, he went over, put the car on the jack, fixed the flat tire, got in the car, and he was again reunited with Vastine. It was awkward at first, but neither spoke of it- figured it was for the best. They had to stick together for the duration of this trip.

84. Grifters
"Encrusted"  2:19
One Sock Missing
Memphis, TN

Van Pelt had been taking care of his elderly great grandmother for the past decade and a half. When I say elderly, I mean it. This old hag is like 114 years old- her actual age is unknown. When Van Pelt first started taking care of her, she was already in her nineties, he figured this was only going to take a few weeks. Six months into, and he was thinking, "damn, man, she still ain't dead?" Should be any day now. But, any day never happened, and here she is 114. She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't do anything but lie around in this bed- and Van Pelt has spent the past decade and a half taking care of her. Needless to say, he has not fulfilled his dreams and ambitions. Then came the invitation, he could not miss this event. He wheeled his great great grandmother over to another relative’s house, and left her on the porch with a post-it note attached to her head: "Yo, I have to be gone awhile. It's your turn to watch her monkey ass." And off he went to the reunion.

83. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
"History of Lies"  3:43
Extra Width
New York, NY

Since graduation, there had been numerous rumors circulating about most people in class- however, most of them proved to be not true. Once upon a time, Potts was supposedly dead- he showed up at Perkins restaurant. Durham was supposedly doing time for heading a drug cartel; he was at the same Perkins restaurant. Therefore, many disregarded the notions that Haggerty was dead- along with many of the other rumors that circulated. However, those who fraternized with Haggerty after graduation believed it to be true. Somewhere along the lines, he became a different person. It was as if when the one stoner kid gave up all the drugs, he took his place and began experimenting with them- although he never socialized with the other one- they had been too incompatible in high school to affiliate themselves outside of class. Despite the fact they grew into compatibility, they never hung out together- even though they frequented the same establishments.

82. Family
"El Bello Verano"  2:22
Un Soplo En El Corazón
Donostia-San Sebastián, Spain

Stanley headed out en route to the reunion. However, 6 blocks into his journey, he realized he had forgotten his razor. He contemplated stopping at a store to get a new one, pulled into the parking lot, and realized that he did not want to dish out $8.99 for a new one- a shitty piece of crap at that. So, he turned around, went back home, and retrieved his razor out of his bathroom, and set forth back on the road. Because he had gone astray from his recommended course of destiny, this one movement altered the world forever- although he was not aware of this. But, had he went inside that store, Lamar would have had to wait in line longer. Because he didn't Edgar was out quicker. The trip home meant he stopped at a filling station one exit before was expected, and by hitting one stop light, it caused a dump truck to slow down. Unfortunately, the world was slightly off balance still.

81. Palace Brothers
"Riding"  4:23
There Is No-One What Will Take Care Of You
Louisville, KY

Helton ended up being stranded in that town at 4284 Milaine Drive for quite some time. His car was broken down, and with no auto repair shops in sight, he was stuck. In the meantime, he had to make the acquaintance of the residents of 4284 Milaine Drive, and things were getting uncomfortable. This family was unlike any group of people he had ever been exposed. They seemed nice enough, but it appeared as if he were being lusted over by some of the women living here. Unfortunately for Helton, these women were not attractive at all- with many of them missing teeth, old, and out of shape. These women couldn't even get laid at a ghetto Wal Mart. Furthermore, they made him do some work in the field before Grandpa would go fix his car- allegedly he was an exalted mechanic capable of repairing anything.

80. Seam
"Dust and Turpentine"  4:10
The Problem With Me
Chapel Hill, NC

Grandpa had what was referred to as "the tool" that could fix anything. Spectators had watched this tool perform numerous miracles in the past, and Helton was hoping this thing was guaranteed for another one. Helton had heard about this "tool" all day, and was told he had nothing to worry about. It was a kind gesture for grandpa to agree to utilize the tool and perform a miracle today, but Helton simply wished that it would happen sooner than later—and right now would be nice. But, there was work to do, and Helton was the house guest, the first one ever not from the local town. They showed him some of their most recent discoveries, such as shampoo and the contraption that plays the Fight CD. It was growing increasingly difficult for Helton to keep a straight face. He made an offbeat joke that you can use that shampoo in cooking- thinking nobody would take it seriously.

79. Massimo Volume
"Insetti"  2:12
Stanze
Bologna, Italy

Finally, the moment had arrived. "Don't forget the tool," Gail reminded Grandpa. And Grandpa did no such thing; he carried it with him a metal tool box, with the words clearly written on it: "The Tool." They rode to Helton's abandoned vehicle via tractor, as Helton had to sit on Grandpa's lap; Helton was suspecting that Grandpa was copping some cheap feels. Aside from getting fondled by a 70-something year old man, the trip was pleasant enough, and Grandpa informed Helton that Grandma was preparing a special dinner tonight in his honor, and he should be on his way after dinner. That was nice. Grandpa pulled the tractor up to Helton's car, jumped off, and went to perform a miracle. The countryside was scenic. The air was clean. In other circumstances, it would have made a nice retreat.

78. Seefeel
"Filter Dub"  8:46
Quique
London, England

Grandpa articulately went to work, masterminding the first few steps. Opened Helton's door, popped the hood, checked around, and opened the hood. After a quick examination, he opened the box containing "the tool" and revealed its contents...a set of jumper cables. He attached one end to Helton's battery, the other end to the tractor. Then, he perched himself back atop the tractor, revved the gas, waited, listened. The moment seemed right, he walked back over to Helton's car and attempted to start the engine, assuming another miracle had been performed. Helton's car still did not start- the battery was fine all along. Angrily, Grandpa slammed Helton's door, removed the jumper cables, and slammed the hood.

"It's ruined. Your car's a piece of shit."

Anticipating there was going to be an actual miracle tool, not just jumper cables, Helton was dumbfounded that the jumper cables was the only attempt. "There wasn't anything wrong with the battery."

"It's ruined! If the tool can't fix it, then it ain't working."

77. Type O Negative
"Too Late: Frozen"  7:51
Bloody Kisses
New York, NY

Back at the house, the family tried to comfort Helton because his vehicle was ruined beyond any possible repair. A solution would come soon enough. But in the meantime, Grandma had prepared a special dinner… spaghetti with a magical ingredient. Roger did not realize that Helton was joking, and told Grandma that he likes to use that shampoo stuff for cooking. Grandma had poured a half of bottle in with the sauce and assumed this was going to be a special dinner. Helton was unaware that she had put shampoo in the sauce, and upon tasting it, was unsure what the taste was.

"Eww," declared Gail, looking over at Helton, "hon, this is awful."

Everybody seated at the table had puzzling looks on their faces as they ate the food; except for Harold, who was at his seat scarfing it down without exhaling. Grandma was attempting to swallow her food, and then sudsy bubbles blew from her mouth.

"You really eat this shampoo shit in food," Roger finally asked Helton.

Helton did not know what to say, "I am so sorry, I was just joking—I didn't think you would take it seriously."

Grandpa slammed down his fork. "That's what this is, a big joke to you? After all we've done for you, you're playing jokes?"

Harold finished his plate and was scooping seconds.

Helton poorly attempted to explain himself, but the words were not coming out properly. The entire table was staring at him as if he had just committed the most atrocious crime known to man. Harold was still eating. Bubbles were floating in the sky.

Peanut Claiborne stood up with his plate, and scraped the remnants of his plate of spaghetti onto Helton's lap— unsuccessfully. Helton jumped up, and the spaghetti spilled all over the floor.

"Now look what you did!" Roger yelled about the mess of spaghetti on the floor. This finally got Harold's attention.

Grandpa stood up and jerked Helton by the arm, and the rest of the family ganged up on him. Helton attempted to struggle, until Harold entered with a rifle. The family ordered him into the bedroom.

"We're getting something out of this."

76. Les Thugs
"Horror Toys"  7:11
As Happy As Possible
Angers, France

In the bedroom was Aunt Henrietta, who had some sort of psychological disorder and was confined to the bedroom. The family shoved Helton into her room and held him at gunpoint. Crazy Aunt Henrietta leaped from her bed and attacked Helton, ripping off his clothes- she was grotesque, ill built, and stricken with insanity to the extreme it was petrifying. After she forcefully undressed Helton good enough, she pounced on him, raping him while making some sort of demonic laugh- and her pale white skin. The family stood around and laughed, until Aunt Gail finally ordered her off.

Once crazy old Aunt Henrietta was pulled off, Gail pulled down her pants and buried her muff into Helton's face. He tried to get free, but Harold put the gun in his face... "eat it! You pussy! That's my wife there, you better be good to her."

Gail was in her 50's and lacked personal hygiene. The taste of her old worn out muff was not appealing, and somewhere in the midst of this Helton wondered if Harold had his cock in there recently. It nearly made him vomit, but he attempted to pretend nothing was happening and just go to his happy place- hopefully it would be over soon.

That is, until Grandma decided she wanted in on the action too. She stripped down butt naked, got on top of Helton, and attempted to insert his penis into her old ass wrinkled up vagina. Unfortunately, Helton was unable to sustain an erection.

"Get that thing hard- you faggot. Grandma likes you, and you need to like her back."

Helton tried to think about other things hoping to make it erect, but was currently occupied with satisfying Gail's rotten muff and she was nearly reaching orgasm on Helton's face.

"If that thing don't get hard, I'm going to shoot it off!"

It got slightly erect, as Grandma was able to insert it somewhat, and work herself onto it.

Gail was on the verge of an intense orgasm. Harold was shouting. The family was watching. Aunt Henrietta was laughing eerily in her bed.

Harold cocked the rifle.

Gail erupted with a violent orgasm, that shot shampoo laced cum all over Helton's face. She began howling, making bizarre noises, and behaving strangely. Some members of the family laughed. In the midst of her orgasm, Helton was able to push her off of him...and the orgasm was so intense, that she flailed wildly, tumbling into Harold, causing him to drop the rifle.

Helton hastily jumped up and grabbed the rifle. Members of the family fled. He cocked the rifle and fired once at the members of the family- he missed and they backed off.

Then, Helton jammed the rifle up Grandma's pussy, and pulled the trigger. Upon firing, there was a loud boom, and Grandma's head spun around like a windmill. Once her head stopped twirling, smoke poured out of her ears.

Helton raced down the steps and out the door. The family raced after him. Grandma chased after him too, butt naked, with smoke still pouring out of her ears.



NC-17 SOUNDTRAXXX SONGS of 1993:  100-76  75-51  50-26  25-#1




Top Image by: Flickr (Alterations by Tony J. Neal, without permission)
Bottom Image by: Pothole Texas

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