Chapter 1: Hennigan's Furniture Store
Chapter 2: Furniture Store Turf Wars
Chapter 3: Random Sofa on the Moon
Chapter 4: Life After the Riot
Chapter I: Hennigan's Furniture Store
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
"Great Radio" 4:36
The Power of Pussy
New York, NY
What did you really want to do? Sit around all day and listen to music? You didn't want to go work—ever; you hated work. You didn't feel like cooking, you didn't even feel like getting up to leave the house to get something to eat; you wished you didn't even have to eat. You never really wanted to go anywhere… that required too much effort. And, you despised anything that would be considered productive. You wished you were an inanimate object, you prayed that in your next life, you would return as a recliner. Recliners, comfortable chairs, those people have it made. You don't even own a recliner.
His girlfriend was not one to be fucked with, she didn't like anybody, didn't like him either, just felt as if she had to have a boyfriend, and this loser fit the bill because he wouldn't tell her what to do. She told him what to do. The piece of shit didn't even have a job. She stormed open the door, discovered he still didn't have a job, and there he was, sitting around, listening to music, smoking weed. She nagged him constantly, get a fucking job, slapped him around. Today… still no job. He received his daily beating, and had to sleep in the closet again.
98. Guns N' Roses
Use Your Illusion II
Los Angeles, CA
My life makes no sense whatsoever. My girlfriend doesn't like me, none of my friends like me; my parents don't even like me. However, they all insist that I come over and spend quality time with them, even though I am not interesting. When I get there, all they do is yell at me, tell me I need to get a job, do something with myself. I don't understand why they insist on doing this. My girlfriend should just break up with me- I broke up with her, and she hit me in the face and said I wasn't allowed to break up with her. My parents are pro-abortion advocates now. My friend Arnie comes over every single day- uninvited. None of them want to do what I want.
97. Daniel Johnston
"Fate Will Get Done" 5:09
I finally decided to go out and get a job. My friend Arnie, my girlfriend, and my parents all came over at once, and all they did was yell at me for not having a job. I finally decided to take a stand, and I ordered them out of my house. However, this isn't my house; it's my girlfriend's house; and if she threw me out, I'd have to go live with my parents. Taking a stand backfired, again, and now I have to sleep in the closet with tape over my mouth. I'm so sick of this shit. Once I get a job, I no longer have to take any of this shit.
96. 三上寛 (Kan Mikami)
"黒崎平野 (Black Point Hirano)" 2:44
I'm the Only One Around (俺が居る)
Looking for a job was a task I would rather not have to deal with. I just wish somebody would give me a job, and then I would show up for work every day and do whatever they tell me. Maybe it's not even the work that bothers me, I don't like filling out applications. I wish I had a stamp with all the answers in it, and then I wouldn't have to write out all this shit. I hate filling out forms period, my taxes, none of that shit. Sometimes people will mail me a form and expect me to fill it out and mail it back to them. I never do this, because I hate filling out forms; now people call wanting to know where the form is- Fuck if I know, I just threw it in the trash.
95. Organized Konfusion
"Prisoners of War" 4:36
New York, NY
How I met my girlfriend: I was walking over to a friend's house to buy a bag of weed. I had to cross the street, and I did not feel like waiting for the sign to indicate walk. So, I ran across the street. There was a car coming, but, she in no way came close to me. She rudely honked at me, and I turned around and flipped her the middle finger. She slammed on her brakes, pulled over, and got out of her car to confront me. This happened quickly, and as soon as she pulled off, I took off running. She chased after me, caught me, jerked me by my collar, slammed me to the concrete and threw me in her car. We've been together ever since.
Looking in the newspaper for jobs sucks. Half of this shit I don't even know what the hell they are talking about. Then I go there, and they tell me to fill out a form, and I tell them that I just want to start working and I don't need to fill out any form. And the secretary gets all shitty with me, and says I have to fill out a form. And I say, fuck off bitch, I'm not filling out a fucking form; now tell me what you want to do. Then she comes around the counter, slams my head down on a table, and assaults me with a rolled up magazine, and beats me over the head with it. I told my girlfriend to go kick her ass, and instead, she kicked my ass again and made me sleep in the closet with tape over my mouth. This shit is getting old.
93. Beat Happening
"Left Behind" 2:54
Getting a job is an incentive for me to breakup with my girlfriend. The moment I get a job, I no longer have to take her shit. As soon as somebody tells me you're hired, I'm telling her ass, you're fired. It was her idea that I get a job. In fact, it was her idea that we are together. I used to have an apartment, but, I haven't been back ever since she picked me up and made me be in a relationship with her. I probably owe rent, and my girlfriend keeps yelling at me to go and pay it, close my lease, but I don't want to fill out any forms. Now I just hope she forgets about it.
92. The Cannanes
"Christmas Tree" 2:40
I got hired, right on the spot. Going around door-to-door talking to people about joining the Jehovah's Witness church and handing out free Bibles! These people all hate me worse than my parents do. I got fired on the first day, apparently it was discovered that I wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. Supposedly some people called and complained, said I used profanity, talked about stupid fucking bullshit like Christmas that wasn't supposed to be celebrated, which I don't even like. Somebody tried to say they could smell pot on me, but I had sprayed on deodorant, so there was no way they could have smelled it.
91. A House
"I Wanted Too Much" 2:29
I Am the Greatest
I just want everybody to stop bothering me. I wake up, and they immediately start yelling at me, telling me I have to do crap. My girlfriend calls every morning and makes sure am I out of bed. One day she came home for lunch, and found me sitting at home, asleep, not looking for a job, then she hit me, and made me go look for a job. She was talking some bullshit about how I need to be more responsible, and these plans for a wedding and all that shit. Fuck that. She makes me wake up way too early too, the other day she declared I had to be out of the house by 9:00. 9:00 is way too early to even wake up, much less leave. That would mean I would have to get up at 8:52. Fuck that.
"Flying Saucer Over Mongolia" 3:16
Cyclops Nuclear Submarine Captain
New York, NY
I spend the whole day, walking around, looking for a job. I'm getting up earlier, the other day I was out of bed at 9:56, and out of the house by 2:00 PM. This day seemed to have more hope than usual. One day I went out looking for a job, and every place I went to was closed already, and it was only like 7:00 (PM). When I look in the paper, I don't even consider the jobs where you have to start at like 6:00 AM, it’s just something that I don't do. Jobs that say professional seem a bit out of the question too. But, I keep searching, starting to become obsessed with getting a job myself- this way I no longer have to take any crap.
89. The Dylans
"No Coming Down" 5:14
The most promising prospects for employment are in the general labor section of the newspaper. However, most of these companies I have never heard of, and I wonder how they stay in business, how they make money, and what kind of customers they actually have. I told my girlfriend I was applying for some jobs, and she hit me, and said those weren't really jobs, and that I have to find a real job. Like what, a lawyer? I applied to be a lawyer, and they didn't have any applications. I've gotten several jobs, but she says that I am not allowed to work there. One place even offered me my own business, selling fire extinguishers, and it paid like $250,000 a year they said.
88. Happy Rhodes
Poughkeepsie, NY/Woodstock, NY
I can't work in a kitchen, I can't do fast food, I don't like wearing uniforms, and I don't want to wear a suit, and I can't do hardcore physical labor, I can't work in an office, I can't work in the rain, I don't have a clean driving record, I don't have a good credit score, I will not pass a drug test, and I have a petty arrest on my record. I could never be a cop, a fire fighter, an ambulance driver. I don't want a job answering phones. I discovered I don't want a sales job either. And, I pretty much failed at being a Jehova’s Witness Biblical Evangelist.
Thanks to everybody else, I was now getting depressed because I didn't have a job. It was now all I wanted, and all I could think about. Mainly because, that once I got a job, people would stop harassing me to go get a job. That's really all I wanted, but then I started thinking about some shit I could I buy, and how I could break up with my girlfriend, tell Arnie to stop coming over, and maybe start a whole new life. Maybe that was all I needed, a new job, a new set of friends, and that would change everything.
86. Into Paradise
Hi, I'm Arnie. My friend Benny is a fucking loser! The son of a bitch doesn't have a job, doesn't do shit. Somehow, he has a girlfriend, and she is a special lady. She is so good to him, sweet, kind, nice, friendly, always encouraging him to better himself. But, he doesn't listen. Not to her, not to me, not to the rest of our group. He's a pile of shit. I go over to his house every day, and he doesn't do shit. It would be nice if Angela would dump his ass, and then maybe I could hook up with Angela. But, I wouldn't do that. I'm a friend, and I have to keep him steered in the right direction.
85. Eleventh Dream Day
"Dream of Sleeping Sheep" 3:15
Lived to Tell
Lexington, KY/Chicago, IL
I dreamt that I was a greeter, that I would say hello to all the patrons when they entered the store, I would smile, say welcome, as they enter the store. Then, something turned sour. The faces didn't smile back anymore, they transformed into something bizarre, inhuman. Upon the transformation, I would slap them, hard, across the face. After the strike, they would change back to being human, smile, welcome me to the store, and then drop dead. The bodies started piling up in front of the store.
"Shoot You Down" 3:13
Dan Hannigen, owner, Hannigen's furniture store. I am a no non-sense employer, hardly equal opportunity. The last cashier stole money out of the register. I busted him, roughed him up, then gave a chance to pay it back. He never paid me back. This is the way we do things; this is how it works when you have a furniture warehouse. The little prick was tracked down, found in some neighborhood, and the truck driver shot him down in the street—threw him in the back of furniture truck, took him to the warehouse, and disposed of him in a used sofa that was disintegrated. Time to hire somebody new.
83. Tumor Circus (Jello Biafra + Steel Pole Bath Tub)
San Francisco, CA
Shaw is the foreman in the warehouse at the furniture store. He is one mean dude: been in out of prison several times, gets into a fight every weekend, just a cruel, mean nasty human being. The only person meaner is Rex, who also works at the furniture store, back in the shipping and receiving warehouse. They load up the furniture, deliver it to the customer, and sometimes it gets confrontational. Some lady once claimed it wasn't the sofa she ordered, Shaw get irate with her, her husband intervened, and Shaw beat him down with the lamp his wife was indicating did not match the sofa she ordered. They have ruined living rooms.
"Perfect Skin" 7:38
It seemed like a good idea to ship a load of hand crafted furniture by means via boat. The boat sailed across the ocean, the furniture being made in China, en route to the United States. Hannigen had some folks in the ocean, a cannon was launched and the furniture boat struck. The bandits raided the ship, and looted all the goods from that shit onto the other one. In the distance, a dog and a cat were fighting; the dog had snuck up on the cat and attacked it. This was the ocean, neither dogs nor cats can swim, nobody knew where it came from. All the furniture was now en route to Hannigen's. The original ship still haunts the sea of death.
81. Forced Entry
"We're Dicks" 3:13
As Above, So Below
Mountlake Terrace, WA
Shaw and Rex had little tolerance for new employees in the shipping area, and had even less tolerance for the employees in the store front. A sales clerk made a mistake, wrote down the wrong address as to where a dining room set was supposed to be delivered. Shaw confronted him in the sales area right in front of a customer. Then jerked the sales guy by his necktie and dragged him back to the shipping area, threw him in the back of the truck to be delivered. The trucker delivered the furniture to the right address, ditched the sales guy at the wrong address, the one that he had written down in error.
80. Monster Magnet
"Pill Shovel" 4:01
Spine of God
Red Bank, NJ
A truck load of high grade furniture was scheduled to be delivered on May 14th. May 15th, there was no sign of the truck. It seemed as if nobody knew where it went. It was an overnight shipment; the trucker was popping speed all night. Hannigen had been following the truck for miles, hours, awaiting the right moment. A bush man from a tribe in Africa was perched behind some bushes off the freeway, shot a dart into the truck's tires, causing a blowout. The truck spun wildly out of control, turned over, and crashed. The furniture was loaded up into a convoy of smaller moving trucks, the semi towed from the road, and the driver abandoned into the haunted pit in the black sea of death.
No Pocky for Kitty
Chapel Hill, NJ
Of the billions of people in China, Floyd was the only person in China named Floyd. Upon hearing that his ship had been ransacked and the furniture stolen, Floyd decided he was going to wager war and stop at nothing to get the furniture back. He sailed around the ocean, with an fleet of ships, looking for clues. They found clues, the haunted ship in the vast pit of Black Death. Floyd and his men knew where to go and began developing a strategy to retain the missing goods. This was going to be an all-out war. Men were willing to die over the stolen furniture.
78. Dinosaur Jr.
I was so sick of looking for a job. And even more sick of everybody harassing me, calling me a loser, my girlfriend bossing me around, treating me like a don't exist. I was growing desperate, needed work anywhere. Then, the miracle happened. My life had changed; the one thing that was going to indicate good things were coming; what I had always hoped. I got a job at the furniture store. Good things were coming my way. This was exactly what I needed. I had gained control of my life for the first time ever.
"Don't Fade IV" 3:30
Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge
A woman wanted to buy a bed. She lay on the bed in the store, and lifted up her shirt. They were the perfect set of breasts. I got on the bed with her, and fondled her in the store. We had sex on the bed, she bought the bed, I got a raise. This never happened. It was a dream. The bed turned into a water bed. Floating full of dead bodies, a haunted ship, while we still fucked. My girlfriend came in and dunked my head into the water, I was kicking and screaming trying to get rescued. Hey fella, want to buy a vacuum cleaner? How about an end table? The associates stood and watched while my girlfriend drowned me in the bed that was on sale.
76. Type O Negative
"Prelude to Agony" 12:15
Slow, Deep and Hard
New York, NY
The first day at work is always spooky. Meeting people for the first time, getting shown around. Here is the living room, the sofas, entertainment centers, the shipping area. Shaw. Rex. Some hot chick named Alexis in the sales office. A bunch of sales guys in suits. Rosco, my partner. We had the duty of carrying sold furniture to the shipping area to be shipped out; we had to deal with all parties. This was my career. I was going to work here for the rest of my life. No more Angela bossing me around, no more Arnie, I could host Thanksgiving on my own terms, on this furniture. Dan Hennigan seems nice. Curses a lot, makes him even cooler.
Top Image by: Guns Save Life
Bottom Image by: Beyond Interior