Part 1: The World Was Actually a Better Place Without Him
Part 2: Deletion Addiction
Part 3: Submission Requests
Part 4: Night of the Party
Part 5: Aftermath: Shootout at The Cheese Bar
Part 6: Online Dating
Part III: Submission Requests
For best results, press play on the image below to follow the stories with the music.
"For Dear Life" 3:26
Beg to Differ
New York, NY
Myron was travelling down the road in his car at a speed of 45 mph. All seemed fine until he looked out his window and saw a person running beside his car, at the same speed he was travelling. He was immediately startled by seeing a man running at this speed, and then tried to speed up to elude him. The running man kept pace, then banged on his window while he was running alongside the car now travelling at 65 mph in a 35 mph zone. Myron was starting to freak out as panic was settling in; but then, somebody jumped up from the backseat and grabbed hold of the steering wheel. The running man busted the window out.
99. Uncle Tupelo
"Factory Belt" 3:14
George was 53 years old, and had been working in a factory his entire life. It was not his favorite job in the world, but he had to do something to keep a roof over his head. For whatever reason, he never sought out a different job. Each time a person was deleted, he was unfazed and remained working at the factory. If the owner of the factory was deleted, George worked at a different factory, doing the same thing, same lifestyle. He stood there on the assembly line, manufacturing pieces of a product. It all evaporated right before his eyes, within moments, a new factory had formed, and he was in a different assembly line, around different people. He went back to work as if nothing happened.
"Recorder Grot" 2:08
Demolition Plot J-7
With the controls of the world now in the hands of a cat, it wasn't even ten minutes before every single dog and every single human was completely deleted. The world was finally perfect. But, apparently that was a matter of opinion. God emerged into the room and gave the kitty a swift little spanking with a rolled up newspaper, and she hit the rewind button, and cats ruled the planet no longer. Cats being the aloof creatures they are, the cat snuck back out after God left the room and deleted a few dogs and some random people who looked like assholes. When God came back in, the cat acted as if he had been sleeping the whole time.
The lid of the sewer came up and Chubbles the cat peaked his up and looked around. The coast was clear. He leaped out of the sewer and several other cats followed him, they were all wearing camouflage jackets and equipped with various survival gear. All of the cats scurried down the street, taking cover, hiding underneath cars or in bushes. Dozens more felines entered the scene from all of the homes in the neighborhood, jumping off the roofs and out the windows. They all hid. It was total silence, pitch black. Floyd was walking down the street, stumbling, he was drunk again. Out of nowhere, all the cats jumped out at once with a loud meow, scaring the living shit out of Floyd.
"The Lunatic Parade" 4:14
Impact is Imminent
San Francisco, CA
Margaret was sound asleep when a brick busted through her window causing her to wake up abruptly. At a rapid pace, an army of cats stormed into her home, clawing up all of her furniture and leaving stains all over the carpet. They knocked all of her documents off the table and ruined them. Many cats raided the kitchen and ransacked the fridge breaking all the glass and spilling syrup on the linoleum floor. More cats were in the bathroom and they stopped up the toilet and kept flushing it until water overflowed—they did they same with the sink as they stopped up the drain. Cats in the yard toilet papered her lawn. Quickly, they all scurried out. Margaret stood there pouting, her house trashed. Then, she was deleted, and the kittens she had put to sleep returned to Earth.
"Volcano Trash" 3:28
Son of Mustang Ford
Pick ‘N’ Save was closed, but the army of cats gathered out front. Larry had a suitcase, and wearing a bandanna. While the other cats stood lookout, Larry took some tools out of the case and went to work. Sparks flew from the glass, and then a hole had been successfully cut in the window. One-by-one, the kitty cats snuck through the hole Larry created and entered Pick ‘N’ Save. They had to be quick because the motion detectors set off the alarm. Within moments, all the cats escaped from the hole with all of the cat treats the store had in stock. The police had no clues.
94. The Jesus Lizard
Emily and her friends were walking down the street, returning home from the club. The cats had taken a shopping cart from Pick ‘N’ Save and were perched on a hill watching the group… plotting deviant strategies. The group of white girls was being noisy, and they talked about the most annoying topics, such as Sally having to pay for lunch with her debit card because she had no cash- holy fucking shit! When the moment was right, the cats pushed the cart from the top of hill towards the group of unsuspecting white girls. The cart rolled down the hill, gathering up speed, faster and faster. Sounds of shopping cart wheels rolling across the pavement alerted the group, as Emily turned and saw the cart speeding towards her. She froze, screamed, and stood there motionless, simply putting her arms up in front of her. The Pick ‘N’ Save shopping cart plowed her down and all went black.
93. The Gun Club
"Emily's Changed" 3:12
Pastoral Hide & Seek
Los Angeles, CA
When Emily regained consciousness, she was in the back of the shopping cart, her legs propped up and hanging off the side. A figure she could not make out was pushing her in the cart through Pick n Save, which was crowded. She could hear voices, and felt the motion of the cart. It approached the check-out lane and the figure hoisted her out of the cart and plopped her onto the conveyor belt. The cashier spoke to the figure as the belt carried her down to the scanner; she picked up Emily, scanned her, and slid her down to the bagging area. Emily rang up for $13.99 but was on sale for $8.99 with the Roundy's card. The bagger placed Emily in a plastic bag and the figure carried her out of the store.
92. Steaming Coils
"Singing Notice" 3:12
Los Angeles, CA (unconfirmed; Mutant Sounds blog)
Barbara was seated in her bedroom brushing her hair. She opened the drawer to retrieve something and a humongous jack in the box surprisingly sprang out of the drawer. It was a creepy looking jack; it was 6' tall, long and skinny, with a scary clown face. It had no arms or legs, but it kept springing up and down, chasing after Barbara. She tried to run, but it kept bouncing towards her, and finally cornered her in the bedroom. Because it had no arms, it could not harm her, simply kept bouncing up and down. It followed her everywhere she went.
91. Vaya Con Dios
"What's a Woman Without a Man" 3:50
At home, Barbara was looking at a picture of her boyfriend. She was sick of this loser. The jack in the box sat on the couch. Her cat stood on the upright bass, and another cat entered to play keyboards; another cat outside on drums—they were all smoking cigarettes. Barbara looked at the photo, and began singing. Some of her friends had been hiding in the closet and they opened the door to sing back-up vocals. The bedroom door opened, and more cats entered, playing horns. Jack in the box grew arms and lit up a cigarette and watched the performance. Those cats could really blow those horns.
90. Robyn Hitchcock
"Glass Hotel" 3:29
The photo of her boyfriend was smiling, but upon hearing the song, grew somber. Inside the photo, he picked up an acoustic guitar, strummed a pleasant melody, and sang back to her from the frame. She stood there listening to the song for a moment, and then tossed the photo out the window. Outside in the yard, the photo kept singing, playing the acoustic guitar. Finally, he emerged from the photo, and sat on a ledge and finished the song, and then walked away.
"Down the Hall" 2:37
Chapel Hill, NC
Barbara called the police to try and have the jack in the box taken away. The cop attempted to apprehend the jack in the box, but he kept bouncing out of his grasp. He chased it around for several minutes, then grew tired and called for back-up. The jack in the box never fled the scene, remained close to Barbara and kept bouncing non-stop. Once the other officers arrived, they surrounded him, but he sprung over them. They chased him around for nearly an hour and never could catch him. He was bullet proof too. Finally they declared that she was stuck with him and left the scene of the crime.
"Lenin's Will" 3:04
Factory Smog is a Sign of Progress
Mr. Jack in the Box had a song of his own. A few jack in the boxes sprung from her dressers, equipped with guitars, bass, springing up and down playing the instruments. The same cat was out back playing the drums, because these yahoos could not accomplish that. Mr. Jack in the Box sprang up and down singing to Barbara, who did not understand a single word he said and looked confused during the song. The band of jack in the boxes remained in the room with her, all bouncing up and down.
87. Lawnmower Deth
"Satan's Trampoline" 3:03
Ooh Crikey It's...Lawnmower Deth
While Barbara was in the shower, the jack in the boxes went out into the yard where a group of random kids were playing. The jack in the boxes surrounded the kids… once fully surrounded, they began playing music to them. It was scary at first, but then, the ripping roaring fast thrash metal that kids love kicked in. While they jammed, Mr. Jack in the Box was leaping up and down, super high, super fast. The little kids thought this looked fun, and began jumping up and down too; they sprang in unison with the music. A trampoline appeared, and the kids kept soaring higher and higher. Soon there were 50 kids on the trampoline, and one cat playing the drums. Granny even came over and joined in on the action.
86. Chet Atkins & Mark Knopfler
"Tahitian Skies" 3:19
Neck and Neck
Chet: Tennessee (1924-2001); Mark: Glasgow, Scotland
On a downtown street corner on a nice sunny day, the photo of Barbara's boyfriend was perched on a ledge off the sidewalk (still in the frame, propped up with the cardboard prop on the back.) Inside the photo, the boyfriend was playing the guitar which could be heard by all the pedestrians passing by on the street. Standing beside that photo was a photo of some guy named Archie—this being a black and white photo from a different period altogether. He too played guitar as it became a duet. The crowd of spectators watched in awe and enthusiastically applauded after the song.
85. The Bevis Frond
"Your Mind's Gone Grey" 4:21
Any Gas Faster
Dillard had heard rumors that people were getting deleted. He thought of how great his life would be if his wife got deleted, and he prayed each night to the angels to get rid of her big bucket of chicken eating ass once and for all. After a few days, Dillard was certain that her ass was about to be deleted… and he would be free. Gradually, she was growing more transparent. Once he could almost see through her, and she was fading in and out, he found himself in a jolly mood, and bought a round of drinks for everybody as he sang a song in celebration of that bitch he had been married to finally disappearing. But, it was he who was deleted, and they all had to pay for their own drinks.
84. The Terminals
Christchurch, New Zealand
After Dillard was deleted, his wife was suddenly beautiful. She had a wonderful outgoing personality, and was adored by the whole town. Soon, she married Renaldo. If wasn't even two weeks after the honeymoon when this fat pathetic bitch developed a two buckets a week fried chicken eating habit. As if her deteriorating looks and loss of personality was bad enough, she became lazy and would leave chicken bones lying all over the living room… often amidst a pile of greasy breading crumbs underneath the cushions. Renaldo was sick of this shit, came home with a bucket of fried chicken, but had poisoned the chicken. The fat hog tore open the bucket, but all the chicken inside of it was gone. So was Renaldo.
83. Laughing Hyenas
"Life of Crime" 2:29
Life of Crime
The next target for robbery was PetSmart. One night, the army of cats strategically broke into PetSmart and this time, even figured out a way to dismantle the alarms. Once in PetSmart, they took all the money out of the cash register, took all the treats, stole all the cat toys, pissed all over the dog toys, drew mustaches on the dog models on the dog food bags, freed all the parakeets eating but one or two of them, and let all the hamsters go free. They even mixed in fish that weren't compatible with each other.
82. Death Angel
"Disturbing the Peace" 3:53
San Francisco, CA
The army of cats had secretly taken over the entire neighborhood. During the night, they would prowl around the streets, causing mayhem in the entire community. One evening, they opted for a sting operation, and ran down the street throwing eggs at all of the people's houses. They blared loud music in all of the backyards as they drained all the residents' swimming pools. There was nothing the police could do, for they even raided the police cars and clawed up the backseats, shooting paint pellets at the squad cars.
"Spagetti Western" 5:43
El Sobrante, CA
The fat hog was scarfing down yet another bucket of chicken, it was her third bucket of the night. “I don't know why I am so hungry.” The cats busted into her pad, opened the front door, and kept it open. Hundreds of cats entered with a variety of tools and large sheets of wood. Working together, the cats held up the wood, nailed them into the floor, did some cutting, measuring, and before too long they had built a wall that completely surrounded lardass and her chicken. After the wall was complete, fatty was too lazy to try to stop them, they left her enclosed in the wall, and the locked the front door.
80. The Fall
"Bill is Dead" 4:33
Old lady Mabel fell and broke her hip. While she was in the hospital, that bitch Margaret who was supposed to be watching her place, took all of her kittens to the pound and had them put to sleep. But now, Margaret was deleted. Mabel's front door opened, and the three kittens entered her home. She was so happy to see them, and they happy to see her. They nuzzled each other's noses, she petted them, and they rubbed up against her leg. This was the greatest time of their lives. They were all smiling so happily.
79. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
"Foi Na Cruz" 5:40
The Good Son
It was peak hour at the cafe, lunch time. There was a piano player and a band that played while people ate or waiting in line. This wasn't typical, just today. Nobody noticed the band. Nobody noticed anything. Throughout the next 5:40, some people standing in line would suddenly disappear, new people would suddenly form, the cashiers would change shapes, and the design of the store changed periodically, at one point the store was completely gone except for the band. Every few seconds, the entire interior and clientele would transpose to something completely different.
"Rust in Peace...Polaris" 5:37
Rust in Peace
Los Angeles, CA
God was sick and tired of all this shit talk about a so-called rapture. She wondered who came up with this crap in the first place, and was growing increasingly annoyed with the people who kept insisting the hour was upon them. Finally, she grabbed the controller, and decided to go ahead and put forth the rapture. With a few clicks, all of the people who believed the rapture was coming actually were able to experience it. However, those who found the rapture a crock was unaffected, and simply got to watch a bunch of random people catching on fire, getting struck by lightning in the one cloud that hovered over them on the otherwise sunny day, and have miniature nuclear bombs dropped on them.
77. Reverend Horton Heat
Smoke 'em If You Got 'Em
Without all of these rapture believing people, the world suddenly enjoyed prosperity. And, so did the rapture believing people, for it was what they had always been hoping for. God put all the freaks in their own little kingdom, and decided that it would be a good idea to visit this place called Earth and set the record straight once and for all that there is no such thing as a rapture, hell, or any of this other bullshit they kept insinuating was going to take place any moment now. One person at the press conference questioned the validity of the tale which claimed that Jesus once turned water into wine. God smiled, blinked her eyes, and turned all of the houseplants into marijuana- then disappeared. It was some good pot too.
"One Foot in Hell" 6:13
Twisted Into Form
Take a few moments and think about all the assholes who have ruined your life; ponder on how your life might improve if certain people had been deleted. You can submit your requests to have people deleted to the following address:
Delete This Fucking Pile Shit
PO Box 6444896745
Shorewood, WI 53211
Please include a brief summary as to why this person should be deleted. Thank you.
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