Part 1: Previews of Coming Attractions
Part 2: Muff Stench Hysteria
Part 3: Doctor Visits Shrink
Part 4: Sausage Controversy
Part 5: Customer Appreciation Party
Part 6: Zubar's Curse
Part 7: The Gynecologist's Bad Acid Trip
Part IV: Sausage Controversy
Press play on the image below to hear this selection of songs in this exact order.
100. The Cure
"The Kiss" 6:15
Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me
Unlike being a server at Denny's, where it is deemed appropriate to make crude sexual remarks to customers in order to generate better tips, a gynecologist has to refrain from any such comments. Customers are off limits for any sort of dating attraction, and the gynecologist has to view an otherwise gorgeous muff the same way a building inspector views a rusty pipe. There may be a situation in which the doctor may be attracted to somebody prior to becoming a patient, but once she has scheduled an exam, that attraction has to cease immediately. Due to the fact that Dr. Pritchard runs and unconventional practice, however, he has been exposed to some awkward moments. The day after Debbie Conway turned 40, she asked Dr. Pritchard a favor: "Rate my muff on a scale of 1 to 10." He was honest and scored it a 7.5. She since shaved her bush and had her clit pierced... dropping her score to a 6.
99. Public Enemy
"Raise the Roof" 5:19
Yo! Bum Rush the Show
One thing Dr. Pritchard's clinic does have in common with other clinics is the office has anniversary parties as a token of customer appreciation. However, the parties at Dr. Pritchard's clinic offer a bit different variety than those presented at other clinics. Rather than cookies and juice, Dr. Pritchard brings in a keg and a DJ. The patients are permitted to bring their friends and family members. Dr. Pritchard also creates a new T-shirt each year, which have become a popular commodity. Last year's shirt depicted a muff with a smiley face on it which read: "My muff is a happy muff!" The logo for Dr. Pritchard's Clinic was displayed on the sleeve of every garment.
98. Napalm Death
These parties have a tendency to showcase completely outrageous behavior; the police frequently have to intervene. Furthermore, the patients are prone to get excessively intoxicated and undertake embarrassing acts of drunken craziness in the gynecology office. Afterwards, some are recognized by other patients who were also in attendance at the party; the ladies will laugh for hours in the waiting room during their next visit reminiscing on each other's wildly extravagant behavior. Numerous friendships have developed as a result of these wild affairs, and the bond strengthens after they share personal information regarding the history of each other's muffs.
97. Public Image Limited
"Open and Revolving" 4:02
It is common for a group of people to meet at an establishment where a mutual friend is employed. The same goes for being a gynecologist. Unlike working at Denny's, where the server discusses current events while Millie and her congregation eat Moons Over My Hammy, the congregation plans neighborhood cookouts while Dr. Pritchard is examining Millie's muff. Gynecology appointments are a group social event and some of the attendees bring snacks.
"I Wanna Be Your Man" 4:10
Hamilton, OH (1951)- Dayton, OH (1999)
People go out on the weekends and meet new acquaintances all the time. On numerous occasions, a degree of physical attraction develops between two complete strangers- hence an entire section of Missed Connections on the Internet. Then, either by fate or chance accident, they surprisingly encounter one another where one of them works. Cindy had no idea that Randy worked at Denny's, and after they made out passionately for hours at the dance club, seeing Randy at Denny's was a pleasant experience; after they had sex in the Denny's bathroom, Randy surprisingly discovered that Cindy worked at the Unemployment Office. Similar incidents have happened to Dr. Pritchard. Many weekend encounters appear shocked when they arrive for their visit, just to discover the person they were booty grinding with on the dance floor is now examining their muff. "Wow, if I'd have known you were a gynecologist, I would have just gone ahead and had you stick your hand up my skirt then."
95. Sort Sol
"A Knife for the Ladies" 2:51
Everything That Rises Must Converge
Like so many other positions, such as being a server at Denny's, when a customer develops an attraction for an employee, that person will purposely eat at Denny's every single day. Also, the repeated encounters will enhance even more curiosity as to what this person might simulate outside of Denny's... such as at a party or in bed. Development of this attraction for any doctor can be extremely expensive as a doctor's visit typically costs substantially more than most of the menu items at Denny's. Even more tragic, not only does the attraction run the risk of bankruptcy or somebody being deemed as a stalker, but the attraction could result in the subject being wrongfully considered a hypochondriac. Furthermore, from the gynecologist perspective, the curiosity quickly subsides after the first visit because the doctor is being paid to basically conduct all intimacies in which generates curiosity in the first place.
Due to the nature of their practice, a gynecologist is prone to be victimized with outbursts of jealousy and rage. Enraged husbands will accompany their wives to the clinic, and display hostility towards another man fondling his wife's muff. Some men have incited radical claims that any other man touching his wife's muff is completely impermissible, thus declaring their qualifications for performing the procedures. These men escort their wives into the exam room, and then command Dr. Pritchard, "Just shout out what I have to do." Dr. Pritchard normally honors this request, particularly since the day Mr. Adams entered the office with a rifle. Most men, particularly these types of overly masculine guys, have no clue what they are even examining. After a series of discomforting mistrials, they simply give up hope and state: "here, you do it. But no funny business!" The doctor is expected to perform the examination with a gun pointed at his head.
93. Meat Puppets
"Bad Love" 3:14
It is most unpleasant to discover a good friend's wife has contracted a venereal disease. This happened frequently in this town, but was most unsettling when Rachel Conway visited with noticeable genital warts. Dr. Pritchard had attended a banquet with her husband Herbert, who tried to reach Rachel during the event. Herbert made several more attempts to call his beloved wife, but she never answered. Rachel claimed that she fell asleep and could not hear the phone ringing; she was not home when he returned be she claimed to be at the grocery store purchasing some cough medicine. It is against the law to disclose patient information to anybody; Dr. Pritchard has knowledge of numerous deceitful acts in which he is forced to never reveal, no matter how close the friendship.
92. Revolving Paint Dream
"7 Seconds" 6:27
Off to Heaven
A homeless guy frequently enters the clinic with the purpose of bumming change from the patients. His decision to do this at a gynecology clinic is anybody's guess, but these derelicts are prone to show up anywhere. The stories he has created for the need of this change is irrelevant to gynecology. None of the patients were remotely concerned about his need for bus fare, particularly when 8 months pregnant. He has been belligerent in the past, and all the patients hated him. One day out of the blue, he entered the waiting area and insisted that he needed 47 cents in order to have his muff examined; and that he's pregnant. He attempted to induce a sympathy trip for the well-being of his unborn child.
91. Pell Mell
"Alligator Stomp" 4:16
The Bumper Crop
Everybody has endured an extremely tiresome day at work. After having worked long strenuous hours, tired people opt to go straight to bed the very moment they return home. One night, Dr. Pritchard worked frantically, non-stop without a break, rescuing a woman experiencing complications with her pregnancy. The procedure for delivering the child safely lasted until 4:30 AM. He did not arrive home until after 5:00 AM and his clinic was scheduled to open at 9:00 AM. Too tired to take a shower before bed, Dr. Pritchard collapsed into a dreamlike state within minutes. A few hours later, when the alarm sounded, he woke up to a mess. There were dried up particles of afterbirth on his pillow and his entire bedroom reeked of rotten muff.
"The Motorcade Sped On" 4:00
New York, NY
Just like the barber shop, the gynecology clinic can be a social place in which the patrons discuss philosophies about current events. Some women enter and simply hang out in the reception area despite not even having an appointment. Whenever something major happens in the news, people will flock to Dr. Pritchard's Clinic to discuss the situation with the other patients. Dr. Pritchard contemplated the idea of required appointments in order to prevent loitering in the reception area, but the women countered with fabricated problems involving their muffs, and then lingered around for hours after their 5 minute exam. He could not even control women barging into the exam room during procedures; "Dorothy! Did you hear that the President has been shot?"
"Blow Your Speakers" 3:43
Fighting the World
When Dr. Pritchard first opened his own clinic (mainly in response to the constant criticism he received from the committee) he devised clever advertising strategies to inform potential clients of a new clinic. His ads featured rock music along with a variety of other unconventional tactics that mainly served as a parody of other ads at the time. These included a blind taste test similar to Coke vs. Pepsi, humorously bashing other clinics in the same manner Burger King disgraced McDonald's, referring to gynecology clinic that employed traditional practices as "The Leading Brand." In addition, Dr. Pritchard's Clinic promised better quality at an even better price.
"Animal Tristess" 4:32
Another procedure that raised substantial controversy was the sex-change operations conducted in Dr. Pritchard's Clinic. The procedure alone was a cause for outrage in the community as several citizens even boycotted his clinic. However, not only did perform do these procedures for a discounted rate, but he also shamelessly advertised the operations on TV and radio. As with all other advertisements for his clinic, the commercials for the sex change operations were also humorous and featured rock music. One series of ads suggested that males suffering from impotency may benefit from having a happy muff instead; while another targeted men without reliable transportation indicating that women never have to walk great distances to work... in due time, the operation would save money as opposed to paying bus and cab far. The most/least popular ad featured a man at a bar; he looked into his wallet and realized that he did not have enough money to buy alcoholic beverages; the next clip revealed him entering Dr. Pritchard's Clinic then exiting as a beautiful woman; back at that exact same bar, a large group of male patrons bought several drinks for him (now her).
"I Passed by the Building" 3:44
A number of Dr. Pritchard's patients were previously men. Because the advertising campaign was an enormous success, ordinary people were receiving transgender operations for non-essential reasons. It was common to witness a patient in the waiting room with obvious men's appearance-- full beard, men's clothes, no trace of feminine attributes whatsoever. The receptionist called out Mrs. Pearson; the man in the waiting area set down the magazine he was perusing and followed her back to procedure area to have his muff examined.
86. Ludwig Von 88
"Fistfuck Playa Club" 2:17
Doris, now aged 58, had been engaging in extreme forms of masturbation for 36 years. Her muff hole had become so large that she could now effectively masturbate with a bottle of shampoo. However, it was still "tight" (as she referred to it) because the bottle of conditioner could not fit in her muff along with the shampoo. She required Dr. Pritchard's masterful gynecological skills for removing the products out of her muff. Her pubic hair looked fabulous though, voluptuous, silky smooth, and full of vibrant body... nice smell too.
85. Live Skull
New York, NY
Leslie did not take proper care of her muff; for that matter, she did not take care of herself period. She was a wretched soul whose mere presence frightened people. Rumors had circulated that she practiced witchcraft and quite possibly a demon. Her muff had the most awful smell in history, and Dr. Pritchard frowned whenever she scheduled an appointment. It was so bad that Dr. Pritchard conjured various excuses to avoid examining her wretched muff. She stunk up the entire waiting room and the dreadful stench still lingered in some of the chairs. One sniff of this muff made Dr. Pritchard nauseous; inserting his fingers into the "muff of death" was horrifying.
Following the post-Thanksgiving epidemic, Leslie scheduled an appointment with complaints that her muff smelled like pumpkin pie. She didn't bother to notice that Dr. Pritchard was significantly nicer to her on this visit. Like any good doctor would, Dr. Pritchard was blunt honest with the assessment.
"Honestly Leslie, your muff normally has such a severely foul odor that the other patients have even filed complaints. In fact, one of your past visits, the entire waiting area turned into rotted skeletons right after you left. It was perhaps the worst smelling muff I had ever witnessed, and I've smelled a lot of muffs. I would suggest that you view the scent of pumpkin pie as a cure rather than an ailment."
Leslie countered with some pro-feminist righteousness, declared that's how a muff was supposed to smell, and demanded he prescribe something to make her muff smell as did before.
84. The Go-Betweens
"Bye Bye Pride" 4:07
Many people are embarrassed to visit a gynecologist and remain uncomfortable throughout the exam. This is a particularly common dilemma young girls experience when they visit the gynecologist for the very first time. Teenagers requesting birth control is also an uncomfortable conversation. Isabelle was 14 years old and delayed her first gynecology visit because she was utterly embarrassed to expose her muff for a complete stranger to stick foreign objects. Following the epidemic that was now nearing crisis, Isabelle had no choice. She woke up on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and discovered that her panties were soaked with turkey gravy. Due to her lack of experience in this area, and since Uncle Harvey adamantly denied spilling the serving platter into her laundry basket as a sick joke, Isabelle concluded that the turkey gravy had to have spilled from her muff and she questioned whether or not this was a normal orgasm. "Do all girls cum turkey gravy when they have wet dreams?"
83. Tom Verlaine
"At 4 A.M." 3:34
Wilmington, DE/New York, NY
The hysteria surrounding the food scented muffs diminished almost as quickly as it originated. Women began eating better smelling foods and were noticeably healthy as a result. Furthermore, the frequency of sexual activity among the citizens of this community rose 856,419%. Some were no longer affected by the turkey aroma and continued eating the same shit they had always eaten; the frequency of their sexual activity remained at a constant 0. After the aroma vanished, many women were disappointed that the effects had worn off and resorted to desperate measures to replace the odor. The ladies in the community conducted extravagant potpussi (pronounced similar as potpourri) parties where one woman would eat a certain food in order to generate a specific smell; the other women would then take turns sniffing the woman's muff and attempt to guess the fragrance. It was a trivia game and the answers needed to be written down on the answer sheet. Whoever answered the most aromas correctly was declared the winner and awarded a gorgeous set of Tupperware bowls.
82. Sacred Reich
A typical recurrence in Dr. Pritchard's life is the catastrophic paradox known throughout The Universe as Consistentbullshitialism... which in Layman's terms, means the moment one problem disappears, a new one emerges. In general, Dr. Pritchard is innocent but is constantly victimized by other people's ignorance. Next up...
Dr. Pritchard performrf sex-change operations on the 14th of each month. That month was particularly busy due to the Canned Food Drive; a special coupon was featured in the Sunday paper where customers received 25% off transgender operations for donating canned goods for the needy. While the charity event was an enormous success, the clinic was so busy that it represented one of those nights in which Dr. Pritchard left the office exhausted and went straight to bed immediately after work. When he did laundry that weekend, he had completely forgotten about the dismembered penis he accidentally stashed in his pocket because he was too rushed to properly dispose of it at that time. He found the detached penis in the dryer along with $3, his red lighter, and a ink pen.
"Scattered by the Wind" 5:12
Once a penis has been removed, it does not magically disappear into a sector of The Universe where surgically detached penises orbit around Uranus. Penis disposal is a complex process that requires careful articulation. Dr. Pritchard carefully placed each extracted penis into a jar of anatomical preservatives and then packaged the specimens into Styrofoam coolers perfectly sized for this specific duty. The boxes of preserved penises were sent to a laboratory for either proper disposal, permanent preservation, or scientific evaluation.
...At least this what Dr. Pritchard assumed.
The driver who transported the penises decided he could earn some extra cash by selling these penises to interested parties. One such party was Marco's Sausage, who paid a lucrative reward for a shipment of penises to be used for making sausage.
Unfortunately, this whole ordeal went awry when the driver, Marcus, did not apply his emergency brake when he entered the sausage factory discuss the details of the shipment with Marco Thompson. To make matters worse, he left the back door of the truck open because he assumed the packages would be quickly unloaded. The unattended truck rolled down a hill and crashed into a Christian Book Store. Upon impact, the back of the truck burst through the store's front window and spilled the jars of preserved penises onto the sales floor of the Christian Book Store.
Mrs. Woodson was en route to the checkout stand to purchase Summer Grilling With Jesus (the cover showed Jesus holding a spatula flipping burgers over a grill) when the truck crashed and spilled the contents directly in her walking path. The clumsy bitch slipped on a slippery penis, smashed her head on the best-sellers end cap, and fell to the floor... all of the books from the end cap fell on top her. Poor Mrs. Woodson was nearly unconscious, lying in a pool of detached penises, and covered in books with excellent titles such as The Lord's Guidance Down the Path of Tax Evasion... her wig hung from the corner.
The police conducted an investigation that officially revealed the planned destination of the penises as well as the original location in which they were procreated. Fortunately, Dr. Pritchard's name had been cleared... there was no evidence that he had any knowledge of this situation... the troubled driver's testimony dismissed any linkage of Dr. Pritchard to the crime. In fact, because this situation could effect his employment status, the driver hoped that Dr. Pritchard would never even hear the news of this tragic incident.
"Angry Neurotic Catholics" 2:48
New York, NY
The customers and employees from the bookstore were obviously outraged and assembled a protest committee. This was sheer madness and they were determined to officially put an end to it. Furthermore, Mrs. Woodson had been hospitalized with head trauma. It was so severe that she claimed that she no longer needed that "stupid Jesus book" and had discovered a new revelation. The Christian Protest Committee blamed Dr. Pritchard for performing this sinful procedure in the first place. They barged into Dr. Pritchard's clinic carrying signs and shouting protests exclaiming that the atrocities being conducted in this clinic caused Mrs. Woodson to be possessed by Satan.
79. The Gun Club
"Yellow Eyes" 6:31
Los Angeles, CA
Donald Bernstein was the ordained leader of the protest committee. Upon entrance, he stormed his way to the receptionist desk and slammed the penis onto the counter. "Look what Mrs. Woodson slipped on in the Christian Book Store!"
The patient-filled waiting area had been relatively noisy but grew dreadfully silent following Donald Bernstein's outburst. Mrs. Hannah arose from her seat and curiously peaked at the object in reference. When she saw the penis plainly exposed on the receptionist desk, she erupted with laughter and was soon on the floor, laughing uncontrollably with tears in her eyes.
"It's not funny!" Donald Bernstein declared.
The other women in the waiting area gathered around the receptionist desk to observe the cause of such commotion. Within seconds, the entire waiting area was laughing hysterically at both the penis and Donald Bernstein's acrimony. "You walked all the way here with that dick in your hand?"
The patients assembled against the protest group and cracked numerous jokes involving Donald Bernstein walking down the busy street carrying the penis. Many insisted that Bernstein was now a sinner because promenading the streets with a penis in the hand is an act of homosexuality. Because of his wrathful emotions, Donald Bernstein was going to burn eternally in the blackest pits Hell.
Bernstein attempted to defend himself by implying that he wasn't the one going to Hell... eternal damnation awaited whoever the sinner was that the penis previously belonged to... as well as whoever cut it off.
Bruno Douglas (6'4", muscular, former city-wide fighting champion) stood up and declared the penis was previously his. "Do you have a problem?"
"Sunset Superman" 5:44
New York, NY (RJD: Portsmouth, NH 1942-Houston, TX 2010)
Bruno faithfully loved only one person in this world and that was his wife. Unfortunately, Denise was in a car accident that tragically left her paralyzed from the waist down. The poor woman was no longer capable of having sex. Although her body had been severely altered, her mind remained perfectly intact and still possessed all of the superior qualities of the woman Bruno fell in love with. He comforted her, took care of her, and maintained their relationship would still be strong. In order for sexual activity to never be an issue, he had a sex change operation to ensure he would never cheat on his wife... and ease her from any feelings of resentment or insecurity.
The scene in the waiting area was nearing combative ugliness. Bruno Douglas engaged in a heated argument with Donald Bernstein that elevated the tension. Sides were drawn as the mob of angry protesters sided with Bernstein and the patients stood behind Bruno. Throughout all of this, Dr. Pritchard was in the back treating a patient and unaware of the intensity raging in his reception area. Right when things were about to turn violent...
77. Nasty Savage
"Stabbed in the Back" 4:05
The random homeless guy entered the clinic with Gregor Kent, the most notorious street criminal in the city, and armed with a gun. Gregor was a fierce menace whom the whole town feared. He had served hard time in the joint, robbed banks, and killed several people... the police were even afraid of him. Hostility between the group of protesters and the patients immediately came to an abrupt halt after Gregor flashed his gun and ordered everybody down on the floor.
Once everybody was down on the ground, the homeless guy went around with a bag and collected all of their money. As he was gathering the money, he appeared to be counting it. Finally, he stopped robbing people's cash, even though there were still several people in the waiting room left unscathed. "OK," he told Gregor as he handed him the money, "we have enough."
At that moment, Dr. Pritchard emerged from the back office. Gregor pointed the gun directly into his face, and ordered him to march to the back office. Dr. Pritchard put up his hands, backed into the office, and Gregor followed him. The random homeless guy drew a gun and ordered everyone to be cool: "Just shut the fuck up, and all will be well." Every person in the waiting room remained completely silent while lying on the ground... Christians, weirdo patients, and a homeless guy with a gun. This lasted over an hour as everybody was beginning to worry; Dr. Pritchard was presumed dead.
76. Blessed Death
"Incoming Wounded" 4:32
Destined For Extinction
Old Bridge, NJ
Dr. Pritchard and Gregor finally emerged from the back office together; Dr. Pritchard was perfectly unharmed and Gregor was now a beautiful woman.
Gregor: (to the homeless guy) "How do I look now sweetie?"
Random Homeless Guy: "Ahh baby, you looking good!"
The fierce criminal and the random homeless guy embraced passionately and proceed to lustfully make out in the reception area, all the while pointing their guns at the crowd, who now looked both confused while attempting to contain their smiles.
After a long kiss, they thanked everybody for donating, and made their way to the exit.
Dr. Pritchard: (hollering out to the couple) "Oh, I need that coupon."
Random Homeless Guy: "Here honey, go give the nice man the coupon."
Gregor politely handed the coupon to Dr. Pritchard and the two left the office hand-in-hand as a happy couple.
Top Image By: Bushy Beavers
Bottom Image by: Swellco