Part 1: Proper Etiquette Goes Both Ways
Part 2: Life Outside the Store
Part 3: People You Share Your Most Personal Information With
Part 4: The Transvestite Chuck E. Cheese Cares About Your Luggage
Part 5: Love Affairs With Customers
Part 6: Gettin' Mutha Fuck'n Crazy at Pier 1 Imports
Part 7: Just Ain't the Way Shit's Done Around Here
Part 8: Some Customers Can Ruin Your Life
Part V: Love Affairs With Customers
Press play on the image below to listen to the songs while you read.
100. Sly Fox
"Let's Go All the Way" 5:10
Let's Go All the Way
Washington, D.C./New York, NY
I fell in love with you the very first time I saw you. You came into my store and purchased a pack of peanut M&M's. I wanted to tell you exactly how I felt, but I was afraid I would get fired if you didn't love me too. Actually, I wanted to rip your clothes off and have sex with you right on top of the counter; the other customers would have to wait in line. This is common thought pattern in the world of customers.
99. The Fall
"Dktr. Faustus" 5:36
The #1 subject of sexual fantasies is, actually, co-workers. But, #2 is either customers or employees when the person is in the role of the customer. There is a 10-way tie for most frequently masturbated customer situation. The person who comes over to the house to perform a repair, clean the pool, or deliver a pizza is the most frequent in porno films; customers who are either patients or students a close second.
98. The Chameleons
Employees will discuss a customer after he/she leaves and remark on how well he/she looked that day. Every employee has one customer he/she thinks is the hottest. Some employees will rate all the customers on a scale of 1 to 10 based on looks. Then, they act surprised when an employee gives somebody a 10 that they do not find attractive whatsoever.
97. The Smiths
"There is a Light That Never Goes Out" 4:03
The Queen is Dead
Many employees will engage in conversation with customers and find out where he/she hangs out. Then, the employee will go to this spot and hope to see the customer there; that away they are free to interact without the manager peering around to see if any foul play is going on. Customers do this with employees also.
96. Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
"If You Leave" 4:32
Pretty in Pink Soundtrack
West Kirby, England
It is most unsettling when an employee develops an extreme fondness for a customer, has wonderful conversations, feels some sort of a connection, and then that customer suddenly shows up in the store with a mysterious spouse. The spouse ruins everything, all hopes and dreams are diminished, and the employee immediately dislikes the spouse.
95. The Church
People who have to spend the greatest length of time with the customer are the ones who are fantasized about the most. Studies indicate that 73% of all men masturbate to the stylist who cut his hair. That is, unless she is horrendously gross looking and gives a bad haircut. Perhaps 27% of patrons are not satisfied with their haircuts.
94. The Go-Betweens
"The Wrong Road" 4:56
Liberty Belle and the Black Diamond Express
The next most frequently fantasized employees are those who are seen the most often, but in short spurts. Customers see some people just about everyday, and then go home and fantasize about having sex with this person. They wish that someday they could go into this establishment where their dream lover is working, there not be any customers around, and therefore they can have a longer conversation. Even the actual sex fantasy involves some sort of bizarre scenario in which the two can finally be alone together.
"Gather Up Your Wings and Fly" 3:53
Forever Breathes the Lonely Word
Obtaining a phone number or asking someone out on a date is a complicated matter anyway and customer/employee situations are no exception. The mere act of attempting to get the phone number or ask to go on a date is dangerous and could potentially jeopardize everything. Neither customer nor employee has been delegated as to who should ask who for the phone number. Ideally, they just see each other while they are out and it all plays out from there.
92. The Dream Syndicate
"Now I Ride Alone" 4;32
Out of the Grey
Los Angeles, CA
Once either the employee or the customer has been a subject of masturbation, it creates an awkward feeling and, at the same time, the relationship becomes more meaningful. This is no longer simply a customer/employee relationship, but it has escalated to the next level. However, no person will ever come up and confess to the person that they recently masturbated thinking about him/her. There is a good chance that you have been the subject of masturbation by one of your customers or an employee at a place you have visited.
91. That Petrol Emotion
"A Million Miles Away" 2:21
Manic Pop Thrill
Should you notice a customer or employee experiencing changes, or sense that they have been acting differently lately, more than likely it is because they have taken the gigantic leap, and masturbated while fantasizing about you. In an ideal world, this will be a joint experience, and a customer and employee will instantly fall in love, because, without each other's knowledge, they jerked it to one another...and felt the connection.
90. The The
"Angels of Deception" 4:39
Engaging in a masturbatory one night stand is one thing (this is when you fantasize about having sex with a person one time and one time only), but when the fantasies become more frequent and possibly evolve from sexual intercourse to everlasting love, this means that this person is viewed upon as much more than a customer.
89. Throwing Muses
"Soul Soldier" 5:10
However, 87% of these types of fantasies, the subject has no clue whatsoever he/she is being thought of this way. In 42% of the cases, the one who fantasizes has never even had a meaningful conversation with the subject. People then become somewhat obsessed with a person they know very little about, yet create a delusional persona of that person. They become awkward in their encounters with these people, will plan out visits, show up at irregular times, and rehearse conversations before even entering. Some purposely leave items behind as an excuse to have to go back.
88. Talk Talk
"April 5th" 5:52
The Colour of Spring
Even more emotionally stimulating than basic masturbation is the realistic sex dream that occurs during sleep. People can control who they fantasize about, freely create the images in their head, and they seldom seem that real. But, in sleep, there is no control over this, and sometimes the dreams can be extremely vivid. The situation has been created for the dreamer, who has put zero effort whatsoever into visualizing this scenario.
87. The Housemartins
"Lean on Me" 4:29
London 0 Hull 4
Kingston Upon Hull, England
No matter who it is, the day after a sex dream, the dreamer will look differently at the subject. It is particularly awkward in a customer/employee situation. For, the topic of sex is rarely discussed in a business setting- people normally discuss the weather or baseball rather than favorite sex positions. The next time the customer shows up (or see the employee in which the dream was about) there is a sense of awkwardness; sometimes baffling to the other.
86. Hüsker Dü
"Hardly Getting Over It" 6:07
Candy Apple Grey
On several occasions, people will question the validity of the dream. They will wonder if the dream is a premonition of the future and may come true. Sometimes, the dreamer may now think that he/she actually stands a chance with the person in which the sex dream was about. They become more frequent customers, provide better service, it has the similar effect of seeing a glimpse down a shirt.
85. Гражданская Оборона
"Я Иллюзорен" 3:27
Игра в бисер перед свиньями
Studies indicate that 89% of all sex dreams, the subject is in fact also attracted to the dreamer; 52% of sex dreams, the subject has also had a sex dream involving the dreamer. You should make it a habit to tell the subject of your sex dream all about the dream and go into all the details. Then, inquire if that person has ever had a similar dream about you. The odds are in your favor, and if this involves a customer/employee situation, it will make shopping all the more pleasurable.
84. Butthole Surfers
"Whirling Hall of Knives" 4:44
People will fall in love with an employee/customer even if they don't know his/her name. Or, people may assume the customer's name based on what the name tag indicates. One employee wore a name tag with the wrong name on it. A customer fell in love, to the extreme it evolved into obsession. They had mutual sex dreams, then went out on a date. It did not go well, because the customer kept calling him the wrong name.
83. The 2 Live Crew
"We Want Some Pussy" 2:47
2 Live Crew is What We Are
Riverside, CA-Miami, FL
There are occasions when a customer and employee will actually physically engage in real life sex. Many of these tend to be alcohol related, and most only end up being 1-4 night stands. After the intimacy, there is change in perception in the customer/employee...especially if one of them got pregnant...it's really fucked up if the one who got pregnant was the male.
82. Hallow's Eve
"Goblet of Gore" 5:47
Death & Insanity
Should a customer and an employee hook up and get involved in a serious relationship, business relations can turn ugly should the relationship turn sour. The customer can pretty much consider him/herself banned from the establishment, and all the other co-workers who were once friends now regard the customer as a genuine prick. The employee lost a good paying customer for life, and the customer may file unwarranted complaints with the Better Business Bureau.
81. Steve Earle
Fort Monroe, VA/New York, NY
When an employee begins to feel affection for a customer, sometimes it will make the employee wish he/she had a better job. The employee will sometimes think that the customer is not interested in him/her because the place of employment is not very prestigious. They will dream that someday they will leave this establishment, hit the road, and find that harmonious lifestyle that the customer would find impressive.
80. Robert Cray
"Smoking Gun" 4:09
Knowing that the #1 subject of sexual fantasies is co-workers, some customers get intimidated by other employees who their crush may be attracted to. Despite the fact that these people have done no harm to any person whatsoever, these customers will develop a strong hatred for workers of this establishment just because he/she is jealous that the person on the register might fantasize about this co-worker more often than the customer. This co-worker is considered a cock blocker.
"Иди же с нами" 10:07
I fell in love with the girl who works at the Dollar Tree. There was just something about her; I had to keep going back. I grew obsessed with her, she was all I could think about. Before too long, I was going to the Dollar Tree every day, buying stuff that I didn't need. Soon, my home was filled with useless junk that only cost $1. But, I loved her. I would have given $1 to spend the night with her.
78. Sonny Sharrock
"Broken Toys" 6:38
Ossining, NY (1940-1994)
My name is Allison, and I work at the Dollar Tree. I am new to the area, I still do not know very many people. Sometimes I smoke weed, out of a bowl that I made for $1. One night, I got really stoned, and just started thinking about this boy who always comes in- every single day. It's sort of weird the stuff that he buys, he always has some story as to why he needs it. I dreamt that night that we had sex. The next day, I asked for his phone number.
77. Ελένη Καραΐνδρου
"Autoshediasmos sta dyo Themata" 8:02
Ο μελισσοκόμος (Soundtrack to The Beekeeper)
I went over to his house and it was creepy. He had candles lit in every room- the candles came from the Dollar Tree. His house was filled with items from the Dollar Tree; there were stacks and stacks of Dollar Tree items. The stories were lies. I opened the closet, and merchandise from the Dollar Tree spilled out of the closet crashing onto the floor. He emerged from the kitchen, staring at me cold- his eyes flickering in the candles. His plot was discovered; I was frightened- I feared for my life. He was holding in his hand a frying pan, which too cost only $1.
"Evil Spell" 4:23
Saint Bruno, QC Canada
My name is April, I am a cashier at the local restaurant. This one guy comes in here, he is sooo hot. I know exactly what he wants, every time, he doesn't even have to say anything. I know exactly what he wants outside of this place too- he wants me, and I know just how I am going to give it to him. Or so I thought. One day, he came in, and asked Jessica for her number, they're going out. Bastards. I started studying witchcraft; I put a spell on him so he would like me instead of her. It worked. But then... as for Jessica, I killed the stupid bitch and it made it look like he did it. HAHAHAHA! Stupid fucking customers!
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